Work Text:
Dina wakes at the soft, pained sounds of someone crying. She stirs, slowly coming out of sleep, she’s so tired and her body fights against it, she feels like her mind is full of cotton, the sounds coming to her muffled and distant.
She reaches a hand to the middle of the bed to feel for JJ, but he’s not there. Right, they left him in his own crib for tonight. Dina groans quietly, knowing that she’ll have to get up. She briefly wonders if she should wake Ellie up so she can take care of him. But she quickly decides against it, Ellie needs to sleep more than she does.
The more she wakes up, the more she realizes that the crying is not coming from the opposite side of the room. it’s coming from beside her.
Very suddenly Dina’s fully awake and scooting close to Ellie. Even in the dark Dina can see Ellie’s forehead drawn up in her distress, her cheeks stained with tears and she’s drawing in quick little breaths. Her lips parted as she softly whimpers.
Dina gently grabs Ellie’s shoulder, she can feel the warm skin beneath the thin and worn material of her sleep shirt. Ellie winces at this touch and it makes Dina’s heart hurt.
“Ellie,” Dina says loud enough that Ellie will hear her, but not too loud to startle her further. “Baby, you’re fine. You’re in bed with me. In our house.”
Ellie’s eyes screw up and she mumbles something that Dina can’t make out. Dina gently shakes her, she can’t stand knowing that Ellie’s nightmares are torturing her and she’s letting it happen.
Dina shakes harder and Ellie finally wakes up, eyes springing open, her entire body attempting to sit up. Dina keeps her down on the bed with the hand on her shoulder. She leans down to kiss her forehead, between her brows where the worry lines had been deepest.
“You’re okay, Ellie. I’m right here. We’re safe,” Dina says, she takes Ellie’s clammy hand and puts it over her own heart. “I’m right here.”
Slowly but surely Ellie’s breathing steadies and she wipes at her eyes and her cheeks with the back of her hand.
“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice rough from sleep and crying.
And oh, how Dina hates that Ellie gets like this. Embarrassed that her nightmares won’t let either of them sleep. It’s not her fault and Dina would say it to her over and over again if she thought Ellie would believe it this time.
Instead, she lays back down on the bed and brings Ellie with her, pulling her closer so Ellie’s halfway on top of her, hugging the side of her body. “What was it this time, Ellie?” she asks because she wants to help, she wants to reassure her that everything is okay.
If it’s the dream about Joel there’s very little she can do or say, but she can hold Ellie close and whisper reassurances until she falls asleep. If it’s the dream about the theatre she can tell Ellie that they’re all fine, JJ is in his crib sleeping soundly, Dina is right next to Ellie, her heart beating, lungs expanding with each breath.
“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Ellie says, words half muffled by the skin on Dina’s sternum.
“Ellie-” Dina tries.
Ellie lifts her face off Dina’s chest and she says, “I’m fine, really. Go back to sleep.” She gives an unconvincing smile. She very briefly presses her lips against Dina's before she lays back down, cheek resting against Dina’s chest.
Dina exhales noisily. She wants to protest, there’s not an ounce in her body that believes that Ellie is actually okay. She wants to help Ellie, but she also knows that Ellie won’t let her.
Ellie’s hand finds her hip, sliding beneath her tank top to rest against the warm skin, this at least soothes Dina a little bit. She can’t bear to see Ellie hurt even one more day, if she could take all of her pain and make it her own, she would do it in a heartbeat.
But she can’t.
The next best thing she can do is offer Ellie someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on or whatever else she might need. If only she ever did anything other than suffer quietly.
Dina tries to stay awake, waiting for Ellie’s breath to even out as she falls back asleep. That doesn’t happen. Ellie’s fingers on Dina’s hip shift every once in a while, eventually lulling Dina to sleep.
---
When Dina wakes up, Ellie’s not cuddled up to her like she was when she fell asleep. Dina sleepily reaches over to Ellie’s side of the bed to make sure she isn’t there either. The sheets are cold. If Dina had to guess Ellie has been up and at work as soon as she deemed it not too early to get out of bed.
Dina props herself up on her elbows to peek over at JJ’s crib. He’s still sound asleep so Dina drops down on the bed with a groan, stretches her arms over her head.
She wishes Ellie would stay in bed with her, wishes they’d wake up next to each other. She wants to hear a raspy ‘good morning’ whispered to the nape of her neck, she wants to be sleepily kissed and cuddled until Dina has to remind both of them that they absolutely have to get up or all of the animals will starve.
And she does get that. Sometimes. When Ellie’s nightmares are quieter, and she doesn’t startle from every sound. When her smiles are easier and when she responds to Dina’s teasing with more than a half-hearted quip.
But it’s winter and Dina has noticed that during winter, when it snows, and when it storms the nightmares don’t stop.
Dina gets up, goes through her routine to prepare for the day. She washes her face, gently wakes JJ up to nurse him and then she dresses herself and him with as many layers as she can without suffocating either of them. She climbs down the stairs with JJ at her hip.
She peeks into the kitchen hoping to see Ellie there. Unsurprisingly, she isn’t there. The kitchen is clean and empty, she hasn’t made herself breakfast, but that’s not surprising either. Ellie can’t cook. She’d tried, she really had, but after the fifth burned pot and almost burned down house they had agreed that Ellie wouldn’t be the one preparing food for them.
She leaves JJ in the crib they keep in the living room so they can keep an eye on him even when they’re doing work around the house and the farm, and she begins preparing breakfast. When she’s done and she has plated their food and served it on the table Dina decides that it’s time to look for Ellie.
First she checks the backyard, thinking that maybe Ellie’s taking care of the sheep or collecting the eggs their chickens have laid, or maybe even weeding the few plants they have been growing. Dina scans the backyard quickly, but there’s no sign of Ellie.
“Ellie,” she calls out.
She waits, but there’s no response.
“Ellie!” she calls out again, louder and more frantic. Her heart suddenly in her throat.
Dina closes the door and then she’s in the kitchen and then in the living room and out the front door before she can even think it through.
Ellie’s right there, leaning on the railing. She’s staring at the wind chimes - the ones they brough over from Joel’s house - as she listens to them sing in the wind.
Dina breaths out a sign of relief. Of course Ellie’s there. Where would she go?
She must’ve not heard Dina come out because there’s no reaction from her, she keeps leaning on the railing, staring out the void.
“Good morning,” Dina says, exhaling slowly to try to get her heartbeat under control.
There’s no reaction still. No Ellie turning around, smiling back at her and walking over for a kiss good morning.
“Good morning,” Dina tries again.
Nothing.
Dina walks over to her quietly, she places a hand on her shoulder, and she says as softly as she can, “Ellie.”
Ellie startles then, her whole body jumping with it. She finally turns around and Dina feels the stiffness in Ellie’s shoulders relax as soon as she sees Dina’s face.
“Good morning,” Dina says for the third time.
This time Ellie ducks down to press her lips against Dina’s in a quick kiss. When she pulls back there’s the smallest smile pulling at her lips, the one Dina has been craving this entire morning.
“Good morning,” Ellie says. “I’m sorry I must’ve gotten lost in thought or something.”
“It’s okay,” Dina says and then she’s leaning in for another kiss.
Ellie’s smile widens against her lips, but then she’s kissing back in earnest. Her lips are cold and cracked, but there’s nothing else Dina would like to do in this moment other than be here with Ellie.
“I love you,” Dina says because she wants Ellie to know it, to feel it in her bones, to know that she is not alone. She wants to say, ‘I love you and I know that’s not enough, but I don’t know what else to do.’ and she can’t say that so she hopes the ‘I love you’ is enough.
“Love you too,” Ellie says, and Dina doesn’t believe her when she says ‘I’m fine’ or ‘don’t worry about me’ but this she believes from the bottom of her heart.
“Breakfast is ready,” she says because she doesn’t have her jacket on and she’s already losing feeling in her toes from the cold. She wants to be back in their house with Ellie right behind her.
---
Ellie eats like she does every morning, mechanically and slowly. She chews for way too long and each swallow looks like it hurts.
The dark circles under her eyes are even darker and she keeps yawning.
Dina wonders whether she managed to sleep at all.
She tries to keep her eyes mostly on her own plate.
---
The rest of the day is much of the same.
Ellie takes care of the farm work while Dina looks after JJ and the house. They don’t spend much time together besides for lunch and dinner. Dina tries to initiate conversations with Ellie, but all she gets is one worded answers that take too long to form.
---
Later, when they’re in bed for the night and Dina can feel Ellie stare holes in the ceiling, she turns on her side. Looks at Ellie’s side profile, her wide-open eyes, the line of her nose, the shape of her lips. And she can’t help but distantly think that she’s just as pretty even when she’s suffering like this.
Dina takes a deep breath, gathers all the courage her body has to offer, and she says, “What’s wrong, Ellie? Please, talk to me.”
Ellie’s breath stutters and her lips part. “I’m oka-”
“No, no more of this,” Dina interrupts. She sits up, leans on her palm as she stares down at Ellie. “Don’t tell me that you’re okay. I can see clear as day that you're not. Please, don’t lie to me. I just can’t- I can’t do this anymore.”
Ellie’s eyes move away from the ceiling to scan Dina’s face, she doesn’t move other than that. “I’m tired. Can we go to sleep now and talk tomorrow?”
“But you’re not going to go to sleep, are you?” Dina says bitterly. “You’re going to stare at the ceiling all night and you’ll be gone before I wake up. Just- just talk to me. Please? I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
Ellie sighs and then she’s sitting up, back against the headboard, the fingers of her hand so close to Dina’s. “I’ll be okay. I promise. Just give me some time.”
She says it in such a weird way, the smile on her lips is the fakest Dina has ever seen it be, the frown between her eyes deepens and it looks like it hurts to say it, like she’s trying to convince herself too.
Dina takes Ellie’s hand in her own, squeezes it and she hopes that Ellie takes it as a small comfort. “Just tell me what’s gotten in your mind all day, what keeps you so distracted. And we’ll take it one step at a time. Just me and you and JJ,” she says, and it feels like she’s begging.
Ellie moves her hand away from within Dina’s, instead she hides her face in her hands, rubs over her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it, Dina. It hurts just to think about so what makes you think that I’d want to say it. Just leave me be.”
“Just fucking talk to me,” Dina says, voice shaky and raising. “I don’t know how to help otherwise.”
“You can’t help me, Dina,” Ellie says and she’s pushing the covers off her legs. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”
As soon as the words are out of her mouth Dina’s reaching over, her hand fisting in the material of Ellie’s shirt. As if she lets go, if she lets Ellie sleep downstairs, she won’t ever see her again. “Don’t. It’s cold.”
“I’ll be okay,” Ellie says.
Dina winces at the words. Lately, it feels like that’s all Ellie ever says to her and Dina can’t bear to hear it one more time.
“Don’t leave me alone,” Dina begs, she can feel her eyes water. She won’t let the tears fall, she’ll stay strong for Ellie, if that’s what Ellie needs of her. If that is the only thing she can offer.
Ellie nods and she doesn’t say anything else. She throws the covers back over her legs and lays down.
Dina follows, laying down as well. She doesn’t close the distance between them, but her grip on Ellie’s shirt doesn’t loosen.
“I miss you, Ellie,” Dina says after a while, she doesn’t have to wonder if Ellie’s still awake to hear it.
“I know,” Ellie mumbles. “I’ll be better tomorrow.”
---
They go to bed, and it begins again.