Chapter Text
Evan isn’t the type of person to write poetry, even more so not the type to share it. But as Dr. Sherman always says, looks can be misleading. And so Evan found himself shakily making a twitter account to share his poetry - he had made the mistake of letting it slip to his therapist that he sometimes wrote stuff to cheer himself up, and so she had suggested he starts an account to put it out there - to boost his confidence, and maybe have a few people read his words.
Which Evan found quite stupid, really, who cares about what he has to say? It’s not like anyone besides his mom pays attention to him, and she’s always at work or class. In a way he knows there’s Jared, however he only hangs out with Evan for car insurance. So it doesn’t count.
But then again if he didn’t do this and Dr. Sherman asked him in his next session whether or not he made an account, he would give himself away with his horrendous rambling and everyone would be disappointed in him and he would become the biggest failure on earth.
So here he was.
Contemplating what username he should pick.
…After serious overthinking (staring at his screen for 10 minutes straight) he settles on: ‘Willow_Oak_Maple’, which are some of his favorite trees. Evan briefly wonders if it’s weird that his username will consist fully of trees, is there some kind of twitter username unspoken rule that he should know about? What if people think he’s super weird and it’s especially weird that his account is about poetry, but his username suggests it’s about trees? What if-
Evan takes a deep breath and makes the account. It doesn’t matter if he tweets something or not, he at least has something to tell Dr. Sherman now. Small steps.
—-
His last appointment before the start of his senior year went…not horrible, but not good either. Dr. Sherman was happy that he at least made the account, but not so that it’s just sitting there unused. Evan can’t help, but feel a little frustrated, his poetry isn’t even good, why should he post it? He’ll just embarrass himself, like usual. And then someone at school will realize it’s his account and tell everyone that the weird Hansen kid has an even weirder twitter account. Absolutely not.
Yet he can’t help, but feel a little disappointed in himself, too. Has he been writing the letters to himself? No. Has he been interacting with people other than his mom? Not really. Is he getting better? No. Maybe he could post one poem. Just one.
Before he changes his mind he opens twitter and types a poem from his notebook into a tweet:
‘I am one with nature and the world.
Your eyes are piercing cold.
My unsaid words are covered in mold.
The trees up the hill are wisely old.
I ask the willow for some advice,
The wind shakes it’s branches twice.
It smiles at me nice,
I understand it’s kindness without a price.
Your eyes are piercing cold,
I am not wisely old.
But the willow up the hill told
A secret for me to hold.’
He clicks ‘post’ and shuts his laptop as his mom walks into the room.
‘’Hey, honey! I have a little break before I have to go to class, I thought we could quickly do something together?’’ Heidi asks with a tired smile. Evan knows that a little break means that she’s supposed to go back after around an hour. An hour she shouldn’t be wasting with Evan, but rather relaxing.
‘’No, um, it’s okay. I know you’re busy and you’ve had a long day and I shouldn’t be taking up your time that you should be spending resting, like why would I do that? I’d be a horrible son to keep you from rest!’’ comes stumbling out of Evan’s mouth and he feels guilty as Heidi’s little smile turns into a frown.
‘’Evan, honey. You never waste my time! What makes you say that? Have you been talking about this with Dr. Sherman?’’ she questions and Evan shakes his head: ‘’No, no! It’s okay! You just should be using this time to rest!’’
Heidi looks at him with a tired expression.
After a few seconds she decides to change the topic. ‘’Have you eaten?’’
Evan just nods quickly, not wanting to upset her even more, even though he knows he hasn’t yet.
That seems to satisfy Heidi, though, she brings him into a tight hug. He does his best to hug back, his cast making it more difficult than it should be.
She speaks into his shoulder: ‘’That’s good. Well, I’ll have some dinner and then go, alright? I love you, remember, I’m always a phone call away if you need anything!’’
‘’Love you too, mom.’’
Then she pulls away and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek, and with that, she leaves.
Evan opens his laptop, realizing he should probably properly shut it off, he’s surprised to see that he has three notifications.
OfSmokeAndPaint liked your post
OfSmokeAndPaint replied: Thats sick (Here’s me sharing kindness without a price)
OfSmokeAndPaint followed you
…Evan was not expecting to have someone notice him already. Let alone react positively to it. Should he follow back, or would that be weird? He clicks onto the profile. It seems that OfSmokeAndPaint is also a poetry account, well mostly, sometimes they tweet only short sentences like ‘’its so hot outside im gonna kms’’ Honestly? Mood.
He reads one of the poems they have written:
‘And if I am to die tomorrow,
Lay me on the ground with dirt.
For I am not one to complain,
My soul is stained beyond belief.
I will not rest easy,
You will see my reflection in the darkness.’
He quite likes it. It’s sad, really sad. But in a way Evan can relate. He likes the post and follows OfSmokeAndPaint back. Maybe he isn’t as alone as he thinks he is.
—
Connor was not looking forward to his senior year, at all. If it was up to him, he’d be either dead or spending the rest of his life in his room. But obviously it’s not up to him, why would it be? Not with fucking Larry always towering over him and controlling every choice he could possibly make.
So he tries to avoid the man like the plague.
There’s only like a week? Possibly less, maybe more, Connor’s not good with time - until school starts again. And Connor is set on spending the remaining days of ‘freedom’ doing nothing, but staying holed up in his room, by himself, with no one to disturb him. It doesn’t matter if Larry curses him out for being lazy, he can do whatever the fuck he wants.
While scrolling through his ‘For you’ he stumbles across a poem. It’s quite nice, Connor likes the rhymes, he could never be bothered to do them himself, though. He likes the post, comments and follows the user. Who knows, they might never tweet again, he’s found that a lot of his favorite poets have quit due to not enough attention. Which Connor finds bullshit, obviously you’re not going to blow up overnight.
Zoe shouts behind his door: ‘’CONNOR! DINNER!’’ To which he shouts back: ‘’I’M NOT HUNGRY!’’
He kind of is, but it’s better to ignore it than sit at the table with Larry. He would rather do a lot of things than be in the same space as Larry. He can just get a snack later, when everyone’s asleep.
Soon he gets a notification that Willow_Oak_Maple liked his post and followed him, he finds himself grinning a little bit. He briefly questions whether or not he should message them, but decides against it. Instead he lays down on his bed and thinks about how easier life would be if he was someone else.
___
First day of senior year, Evan is not ready. He spent all night worrying over every way it could possibly go wrong, so he barely got enough sleep and now he’s going to be tired all day and it’s going to suck even more than usual. Not that he has days that don’t suck. Wait, that’s kind of bad to say.
He’s supposed to be positive. Okay Evan, today’s going to be a great day! Here’s why: Because it’s your first day of senior year, meaning you have an opportunity to make new friends. (Not that anyone would want to be friends with you, but have hope, not too much hope or you’ll cry.) And today all you have to do is be yourself, but also confident. Being confident is important. But be yourself! That’s the most important part! But if you don’t like yourself, you should probably try. Yeah. Be yourself. Don’t hate yourself. Those kind of don’t go together. JUST! Be normal.
Heidi walks into Evan’s room as he’s getting ready for school: ‘’So you just decided not to eat last night?’’
‘’I wasn’t hungry.’’
‘’You’re a senior in high school, Evan. You should be able to order food yourself, you can even do it online now, no need to talk!’’
To which Evan mutters: ‘’You kind of need to, you know, when the delivery man comes and you’re standing there all awkward and trying to give change and then it falls out of your hands and…yeah.’’
Heidi sighs, Evan bites his lip.
She continues: ‘’I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman this afternoon.’’
‘’I thought I had an appointment next week.’’
‘’You do, but I thought you could use another one. You know, with school starting and all.’’
Evan doesn’t like that. Well maybe he could tell her that he posted a poem…
‘’Have you been writing those letters to yourself? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a good day and here’s why…’?’’
‘’I started one.’’
‘’That’s good! Those letters are important, honey. They’re going to help you build your confidence!’’
‘’I guess.’’
Heidi takes his hand: ‘’I just don’t want you to have another year without friends.’’
Evan nods: ‘’Me neither.’’
‘’I feel this is going to be a great year for both of us, just be positive, honey! Oh- I have an idea! Why don’t you go around and ask people to sign your cast?’’
‘’Oh…okay.’’
‘’I’m proud of you already,’’ she kisses his cheek and exits his room.
Evan really hopes that today is going to go smoothly.
___
First day of senior year, fuck. Connor could swear that it felt like he had more time left. But apparently not. Well, not like it matters, he’s not planning on going today.
Cynthia thinks otherwise, of course: ‘’It’s your senior year, Connor, you’re not missing the first day.’’
Connor groans: ‘’I already said- I. go. tomorrow.’’
And of course fucking Larry has to get involved. ‘’He doesn’t listen, look at him, he’s probably high.’’
Zoe mutters: ''He's definitely high.'' Which earns an eyeroll from Connor.
'’I don’t want you going to school high, Connor!’’
‘’Perfect, then I won’t go! Thanks, mom!’’
And with that he storms out of the kitchen and back into his room. It’s not long until Larry goes into his room, throws his bag towards him and tells him to get to school. In reply Connor just flips him off, but Larry threatens to ground him (again). In reality, Connor couldn’t care less, but he’s tired and cranky so he angrily takes his bag and goes to the car.
Zoe had almost already left, and grumbles something when he enters the car.
He would’ve loved to drive his own car, but he’s obviously banned from doing so. Again.
He resists the strong urge to flip her off for the sake of not starting another argument. Connor doesn’t actually hate his sister, it’s…complicated. And this is not the time to get into the details.
She starts driving and Connor rests his head against the window, he didn’t bother putting the seatbelt on.
It’s going to be a long first day.