Chapter Text
Something was wrong. Kayn knew it was, he'd known it for some considerable time, but he insisted it was no big deal.
It started with forgetfulness here and there; drinking binges and waking up the next day without remembering anything, alcoholic amnesia... normal, right? Wrong. Kayn was sure he hadn't drunk before or after the concert last night, but he had woken up with that horrible hangover feeling. The dry mouth, the upset stomach, the pounding headache.
He staggered out of the dark room and had to lean on the wall to keep from falling to the floor. His balance was completely lost and his stomach churned. He took a deep breath and opened the door. The sun illuminating the corridor flooded the dark room and made Kayn clench his eyes shut tightly, using his arm to cover his face. Yone, who was calmly reading a book sitting in the living room armchair, raised his blue eyes towards the corridor leading to the bedrooms when he heard the sound of the door opening, just in time to see Kayn take the first step out and dismount onto the floor with a thud.
The producer closed his book, placed it on the coffee table and stood up, moving towards the rapper with quick steps, helping him to his feet without question, holding him under the arms for support.
- Take a shower and eat something. I'll make you some strong coffee. You stink. - the white-haired man teased, helping Kayn to the bathroom, then pushing him into the shower and going out to get a towel for him, then returning, leaving the clean towel there and closing the door.
Kayn didn't even manage to respond to the provocation. He took off his shirt and brought it up to his nose, twisting his features as he understood Yone's comment: he was filthy. How had he even managed to sleep like that? He looked at himself in the mirror, destroyed, with deep circles under his eyes, exhausted, his hair completely disheveled. Scratches on his arms. What the fuck had happened? How much had he drunk? He couldn't remember putting a single glass of alcohol in his mouth and yet...
He surrendered to the shower. It was better to think about it when he was better.
After an invigorating bath, he felt a little better, but his stomach was still missing something. He made his way to the kitchen where he found Yone serving breakfast. He prayed inwardly that he wasn't torturing him with that damn natô* he used to make from time to time. He hated those damn stinky beans and it was the least he needed at that absolutely confusing moment. Luckily there was nothing like moldy beans on the table, but a breakfast that looked more like a good lunch from his point of view. Rice - probably Japanese, considering it was Yone who had made it, which tasted strangely sweet, but was better than natô -, boiled vegetables, grilled fish, sliced mango and a glass of tea which the producer had just poured.
Yone sighed and denied it as he looked at him, frowning in disapproval.
- I meant take a shower, get dressed and then eat, Kayn.
Kayn looked down, the towel seemed to cover well what needed to be covered.
- I'll just have a quick bite to eat and then I'll put some clothes on. Don't worry about it, Yone. There's nothing here that's absurdly different from what you also have... - He said, choosing to ignore it and sit down to eat, already diving into his food without waiting for an answer.
Yone rolled his eyes and pulled up a chair next to him, resting his elbows on the table and staring at the pink-haired boy in silence.
- Oh, shit... What have I done this time? Is it the damn clothes? Do you really hate seeing my nipples for a few minutes? I'm just hungry as hell! It's like I threw up all my organs tonight... There's nothing left but despair, dizziness and the desire to die, Yone, take pity on me! - he whimpered.
Yone sighed once more.
- What's your deal with Ezreal, Kayn? - the man asked without hesitation.
Kayn almost spat out all the tea he had just drunk.
- Pff... What?! I... Ezreal? Are you kidding, yone? It's no big deal! We're friends, just like you and me! I just happened to be a fan of his before I met him, so as well as being a friend I'm a bit of a fanboy too, pff, no big deal, you know. It never got in the way of our performance..." he explained, trying to hide his nervousness.
None of it was a lie, of course. He had nothing to do with Ezreal, unfortunately. Ez seemed to see him as a friend, like all the other guys at Heartsteel. A big "no big deal". If Ez gave him a hard time, if he looked at him crookedly for two seconds, if he smiled too closely, that would be another story...
- Hm. - Yone nodded and leaned back against the chair. - You don't seem to remember anything you did tonight, again. Kayn, you're way out of line with the drinking, even if in concept we're a group of "bad boys", in practice it doesn't go down well in the media. I can't protect you if you're rushing to burn yourself at the end of every gig. As good as your vocals are, and your bass is impressively good, I can't make it work if you don't help us.
- Um, I know, I'm sorry, Yone, I'll try to control my impulses to mess up next time, but... if it's not a problem to ask, what does my embarrassment have to do with Ez?
Yone stood up with his hands on the table and sighed.
- You tried to kiss him. Nobody saw, he came to tell me. He didn't want me to tell you, because he knew you were too drunk and probably mistook him for some girl, I don't know. But I know, Kayn, that you've changed your habits a lot since you joined the group, although the drinking has increased... Maybe you're feeling sexually repressed? I don't know. In any case, it would be good if you could solve these problems without involving Ezreal, and in a discreet way. Preferably not in a dark corner of an after-party where you could end up being caught by someone eager to cash in on a controversial photo and a second-rate tabloid. That's all I have to say. You can finish your breakfast.
The producer moved away from the table for a few minutes to pick up a cup and the bottle of coffee and put them both on the table in front of Kayn, then left towards the living room once again, probably to get back to his book.
Kayn looked at the clock on the wall, it was just after ten in the morning. Shit.
He was more than late for the rehearsal with Sett, Ezreal and K'Sante. It made sense that the house was so quiet. The vocal practice would be in the morning, and in the afternoon Aphelios and Yone would join them for the performance rehearsal. He spotted K'Sante by the water fountain near the rehearsal room, he was filling his water bottle, Sett, next to him, seemed to be amused by their conversation. He sneaked into the room, trying not to be noticed. If he was going to get a hard time, then the more minutes he could delay it, the better.
Kayn wasn't scared, make no mistake. He just didn't want to end up fighting with someone in the band. They'd only been together for a short time, they'd only released one album, they hadn't really established themselves yet - so it made a lot of sense that Yone would be so worried about the image they were giving off to the public... Kayn had a problematic history in this regard: his last band hadn't ended well. He'd been kicked out even after dedicating almost ten years of his life to that job, even after so many years as a trainee, only to arrive and lose everything overnight because of a petty argument.
Someone had lost a tooth, but it was still too much, wasn't it?
He stopped, holding the fanny pack in his hands and placing it slowly on the bench in the corner of the room. Ezreal's voice echoed in the room as he, concentrating, tried not to sway his tone while doing the dance moves of the choreographed chorus. He had tried to kiss him, according to Yone... It was getting really serious then... Too serious.
He didn't even remember it. He didn't even remember drinking, let alone trying to kiss Ezreal... If he had kissed him in that state, he would never forgive himself for being unable to remember it.
- Are you just going to watch or are you going to join in? - Ezreal was facing him, a beaming smile on his sweaty face. He took a drink of water from his plastic bottle and pointed it at the pink-haired boy. - Would you like some?
Water, yes, I'd like some.
- Thanks, it's really hot outside. - He went towards the singer and took the bottle that was held out to him, turning the spout against his mouth, sipping the tasteless liquid.
His mouth was right there... He pressed the nipple against his lower lip to close it and handed the bottle back. What kind of thought was that? Oh, right, the intrusive and indecent kind. The kind that was constantly probing his mind and giving him those wrong ideas that probably seemed extremely good when he was drunk. And which seemed extremely good now too.
- I can just imagine. It'll be midday soon, the sun is awful at this time of year. Too hot. - the singer put the bottle away and smiled back at Kayn.
- Only you could be hotter than that.
The sentence came out strange. Was he supposed to say that? That's weird... I wasn't going to say that, I was going to say "let's rehearse then?", but then that horrible singing came out and... That voice didn't sound like yours, it just sounded... recorded.
Dark.
Oh, shit.
Were you still drunk?
The lights came on. Shouting, swearing, what was going on? What the fuck was that?
- I told you not to mess with fucking Ezreal, Kayn! What the fuck! How hard is it for you to respect people's space?! - Yone looked so pissed off... why was he so pissed off?
- What the fuck are you thinking, brother? If he told you to stay away, why didn't you? - Sett, enraged, pushed Kayn by the shoulders.
Kayn felt his back hit the wall. He was absolutely confused. What parallel universe had he just woken up in? What the fuck did it all mean.
- Fuck! I'm so sorry! I swear I don't know what came over me... I just...
Kayn searched with his eyes for any sign of Ezreal's green hair and found him in the corner of the room, sitting on the bench with his elbows on his knees and his head down. K'Sante crouched down in front of him and seemed to be talking to him in whispers. Aphelios, standing next to him, cast an inquisitive glance in his direction. He swallowed. How do you explain something you don't know? What kind of drug could you use to measure behavior that you didn't even know you had done?
From the signs in the room, he imagined that he had harassed Ezreal in some way. Why had he done that? What was the point of it? Ezreal was... he was...
Ezreal was the sun of his world. As much as he hated to admit it, that band was everything to him... so... why? Why did everything seem to crumble under his feet more and more every day? Why were you doing those things and, above all, why couldn't you remember anything?
- You just...? Are you using some illegal drug and fucking everything up and poor Ezreal just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, Kayn? Twice? - Sett asked.
- I'm sorry... I'm going. Maybe I shouldn't socialize at all. I don't think I'm up to it... - he tried to dodge, hoping they'd leave him alone, but Sett grabbed him by the shoulders.
- Not without us talking first, little brother. Me, you and Yone are going to have a man-to-man chat. Aphelios and K'Sante will look after Ez in the meantime.
Sett stepped away from the wall, pulling Kayn by the collar. Yone followed in silence into the next room. None of the other three said a word to the rapper as they passed them in an uncomfortable silence. Kayn felt suffocated, panicked. He didn't know what was happening to him. The memories were empty, confused.
In the next room, Sett quickly pushed him to sit on the bench, then bent down in front of him, looking him in the eye, and said: - Did you think it would be funny to abuse Ezreal just because he's naive? Are you in this group to sabotage us?
Kayn swallowed. His trembling hands gripped the edge of the bench.
- No, nothing like that! I would never deliberately do anything against Ez or the band... I love my job and... the truth is..." he hesitated. It was the only way, he needed courage. - I'm a-apa... I like Ez. I like him too much, I think I lost my hand, I thought he was flirting with me and I ignored the signs. I know I was absurdly wrong, so I'm going to stay away from Ez and avoid being alone with him from now on. - he lied.
Sett sighed and lowered his head.
- Don't make me regret trusting you, Kayn. I value your work too much, and I like you as a friend, as a person. Don't break my trust. If there's no other way, I won't avoid smashing your face in, and you're not very handsome.
The bigger man stood up and patted Kayn twice on the shoulder, then left the room, leaving the rapper and producer alone.
- You have no idea what you've done, do you? - Yone asked after checking that Sett had actually left the room.
Kayn bit his lower lip. How could it be so hard to fool a single son of a bitch?
- Why do you think that? - he tried to be firm and investigate.
Yone denied it with his head.
- You seem to be possessed by some kind of demon, Kayn. I don't know, I don't really like to believe in these things, but out of the blue you change completely. Before, it was only when you drank, so I always associated it with drinking, but today... I was with you this morning and from the times I heard you had arrived, you wouldn't have had time to stop for a drink somewhere, you're sober, but you still have this desolate, confused expression as if you don't know what's going on about something you did yourself. - Yone seemed genuinely concerned, perhaps that was why he was everyone's "father" there, always ready to support everyone. - Sett and the others don't seem to have noticed, but I've noticed that the way you talk is different, your voice gets a lot thicker, your gaze changes, you get more aggressive, your posture, you seem like a different person, Kayn. Normally I'm against it, but I think you should go to a temple, a priest, a pastor, I don't know. Have an exorcism, get that devil out of your body. I'll help you talk to Ez afterwards to clear up all this chaos. - he sighed, getting up and holding out his hand to the rapper.
Kayn hadn't imagined that he could experience such relief moments after so much despair. The thought that Yone and the others would hate him and throw him out, as had happened in the other band, was a nightmare.
He wasn't religious, he didn't believe in gods or demons. For him, demons were people and hell was the earth. The people who took advantage of the weak, the people who tortured others, who made sure that their lives were as miserable as possible. These people were definitely demons.
Come to think of it, wasn't there a demon in Ezreal's life right now? It didn't matter that he was completely in love with him, if Ez didn't reciprocate his feelings, then it was all just harassment. He shrugged his shoulders, feeling the weight of actions he couldn't remember on his back.
- What exactly did I do to Ez? - he plucked up the courage to ask, since Yone really seemed to believe him.
The producer sighed and nodded.
- Why don't you come with me and see? The cameras caught everything.
Hesitating, Kayn followed Yone into the video room, where the producer quickly accessed the cameras from the room they were in before. Sett had joined the trio and everyone seemed to be in a slightly better mood now that Ezreal was calmer. Yone didn't seem to focus on that, turning the video back to the moment Kayn entered the room.
Kayn remembered coming in, taking the water offered by the singer, but then things seemed to change. A camera was positioned at an excellent angle, which caught Kayn's face very well at the moment when he felt himself erase: the moment when an almost evil corner smile dominated his face.
"Only you could be hotter than that." Cringe.
"What do you mean, Kayn? Jesus!" Ezreal laughed mockingly, giving the rapper a gentle shove.
Kayn seemed to widen his smile at the video, moving predatorily closer to the younger man, bringing a hand to his face and stroking it.
"I mean what I said, Ez. When are you going to stop playing dumb? I didn't get to kiss you yesterday by a long shot, but that doesn't mean I've given up on it. I won't rest until I have you in my arms... and when I do..."
The cameras couldn't catch what he said, as he whispered in the singer's ear, whose ears instantly turned red and eyes widened. Shit! What the fuck had he said to Ezreal?
His hands went down to the singer's waist as if they were intimate. Ez braced his hands on his chest to push him away, but Kayn leaned over him, trapping him against the wall.
"Stop playing with that, Kayn... I don't like it..." He asked for the first time.
Kayn seemed to kiss his jaw and whisper something else, placing his thigh between the singer's legs.
"Kayn! Sett and K'Sante are going to catch us here! Stop!" He insisted a second time.
Watching this with Yone, he felt like a monster. Clearly the singer was trying to push him away. What the fuck was he doing and how could he not remember any of it?
"Kayn!" Ezreal called out and he didn't even answer.
The rapper's hand grasped the singer's chin and within moments their mouths were locked in an intense kiss. For a moment Ezreal seemed to lose himself in time; his hands went up to the rapper's neck and he seemed to respond to the contact, but soon after his hands went back down to his chest and he pushed him hard, panting as he recovered from Kayn's withdrawal. The rapper, however, didn't seem willing to give up in the video, and pulled him by the arm back to himself.
"Kayn! No! Stop! Enough! We'll talk about it later, now is not the time or the place!" The boy's voice sounded shaky. He was scared.
Kayn felt his heart squeeze. How had he dared to frighten Ezreal like that? To cause such stress to the one who was the sun of his life?
He couldn't even remember what his mouth tasted like, to make matters worse. All that for nothing.
"Kayn this, Kayn that... Forget that fucking name! When you moan my name, call me Rhaast." He said with an evil grin, pulling the singer to him by the waist.
Ezreal kicked him and took advantage of his recovery to run to the door of the room, but Kayn pulled him by the shirt, causing him to overbalance and fall to the floor.
"Help! Sett! K'Sante!" Ezreal shouted.
It was moments. The two leaders entered the room on hearing Ezreal's screams, and soon Sett was pinning the rapper to the floor while K'Sante called Yone and Aphelios to report the situation.
Kayn cursed and struggled, trying to get away from the bigger man, but there was nothing he could do in the arms of that thug.
- And a few minutes later we arrived. - Yone concluded.
Kayn seemed out of touch with reality, it was like watching a recording of himself that he didn't remember living. As if he were in a parallel reality.
- I don't... how could I do something like that...? Maybe I should throw myself in front of a truck..." he muttered to himself just before he felt the slap of Yone's hand on his face.
- If you're sorry, go and sort it out! Killing yourself won't diminish any damage you've done, on the contrary, it puts you in the position of victim and makes other people look wrong for contradicting you. Be responsible for your actions. Go and see what the fuck is going on inside your fucking head and don't go anywhere near Ez without my supervision until you know what's going on. - Yone sighed. - I'm not one for running away when the going gets tough. You may not be that bullying thing if Ezreal, but I also refuse to believe that you're that coward who runs away from responsibility. Especially after admitting to me and Sett that you have feelings for him, which I don't think is a lie at all, is it, Kayn?
The pink-haired boy looked away and pressed his lips together in a thin line.
- I love him, Yone... I don't know what's happening to me, because I can't remember these things, why I do these things in the first place. Please don't kick me out of the group... I'll do anything! - he pleaded.
Yone knew a lot about Kayn, things that no one else in the group could even imagine. He knew because he cared, because he made a point of building a real relationship of trust with everyone there. Kayn had confided in him about his past, his previous band, his record label and how it all came to an end. He'd talked about constant abuse that bordered on torture, about the depression and guilt that followed after his expulsion. He had talked about suicide attempts and the abuse of licit and illicit drugs. Yone knew that he had improved after joining Heartsteel, but now he wondered if he shouldn't have pushed him to seek treatment from the start...
- I'll make an appointment with a psychiatrist for you. I'll accompany you to the appointment to make sure you don't run away. And you're going to church. I don't know if it's a disorder or a demon, but let's deal with it before it's too late.