Archive of Our Own

It had broken both their hearts when Eddie, after a year of therapy and self acceptance, and a coming out that was both quiet and emotional, told Buck he was in love with him.

But after wells, law-suits, shootings, wills, breakdowns and recovery, at each other's sides, when Eddie told him about a love that he couldn’t reciprocate, they both knew that their relationship would survive that too.

That’s not to say that it wasn’t awkward. Oh, it had been awkward. Eddie had done his best not to touch Buck, and Buck had been feeling guilty about hurting his best friend, and constantly worried about hurting him even more. They had gotten better as time went on, but they were still a little off from where they used to be.

So when Eddie announced that he was ready to start dating again, start dating men, Buck was maybe a little overly enthusiastic about it. But supporting your friend was never wrong was it?

“That’s wonderful Eddie,” Bobby said, smiling as he passed the salad bowl to Chimney.

“If you would like me and Karen to set you up, just let me know.” Hen said.

“Actually, yes. I’d like that.” Eddie smiled, “Someone who is looking for something casual. I’m not ready for a relationship just yet.”

Buck hadn’t known that you could feel someone not looking at you before. But he was all too aware that Eddie hadn’t looked his way once since he brought the subject up.

“If you need a wing-man, or a babysitter for Chris, call me up man, I’ll be there.”

Finally, Eddie looked his way, “Thank’s Buck,” he smiled. And Buck felt like he could relax again.

“Chris has been saying that he is too old for babysitters, but he’d never turn down a visit from you.”

“Do you have a type, Eddie?” Chim asked, an assessing glint in his eye.

“I don’t know.” Eddie said, looking slightly bashful, “I was hoping to start finding out.”

“I have this neighbor of mine, and I have a good track record with gay neighbors,” Chim said, smirking at Hen while she rolled her eyes, “huuuuge guy. But a sweetheart. He has a cat.”

“Eddie doens’t like cats.” Buck interrupted.

“Well, it’s not the cat I’m trying to sell here, Buckley.”

“I like cats just fine.”

“But you are allergic.” Buck replied, smirking in triumph when Eddie gave him his ‘you are right but I won't admit that out loud’ scowl.

“I’m sure Eddie appreciates the enthusiasm, but maybe let's let Eddie decide who he would like to be set up on a date with?” Bobby said reasonably, earning him a relieved smile from Eddie.

While Bobby was attempting to change the subject, Chimney mouthed “Huuuuge”, causing Eddie to blush.

On the eve of Eddie’s first date with a man, Buck was sat with Chrisopher and Eddie, eating a slightly early dinner, on account of Eddie needing to leave early for some drinks soon. I was like all dinners at the Diaz house, happy, light, and just where he wanted to be.

The food was delicious, though unusually complicated for a weeknight dinner, revealing that Eddie perhaps had been feeling nervous and trying to distract himself this afternoon.

After dinner was put away, Chris spread out his homework on the kitchen table while Eddie rushed to get changed, emerging from his bedroom in tight jeans and tighter than normal henley, the cream coloured fabric hugging his biceps and chest and contrasting well with his skin tone.

“Have a great night, man.” Buck said, biting back the ‘you look great’ on the tip of his tongue. He would have said that before, without hesitation, just sharing a casual compliment with his best friend, but now the words got stuck in his throat.

“Thank you Buck, really.” Eddie said, not avoiding his eyes, but not seeking them out either. “I shouldn’t be home that late, but call me if anything happens.”

“Yeah. But don’t worry, we will manage fine.”

And then Eddie was gone.

Buck checked in with Chris, making sure his homework was done before letting him go play online for a while with his friends.

Grabbing a beer, Buck made himself comfortable on the couch, reaching for the game console and continuing the game that someone, probably Eddie, had left on standby.

He had a restless energy that night, that wouldn’t let him focus on anything for long. It was almost like he was nervous about Eddie’s date.

And maybe he was. He didn’t want Eddie to get hurt, the man had worked so hard at healing himself, Buck would hate for someone to come around and hurt him. Like Buck had hurt him.

It felt cruel almost, the best person he knew had offered him love, and the life he had always dreamt of, and he couldn’t accept it. Buck couldn’t help wishing that he was bi, or anything that would have let him return Eddie’s feelings. Eddie deserved to be happy. And he couldn’t think of anything better than getting to spend even more time with him.

It wasn’t late when Eddie returned, but it was later than Buck had expected him.

“Hey,” Buck called out quietly, turning towards the front door from his position on the couch.

“Hey,” Eddie said, just as quiet, as he made his way towards Buck, perching on the couch's armrest.

“How was it, your first date with a man?”

Up close, Buck could see that Eddie was looking a little flushed and pink, and his hair was messier now than when he had left. As if he, or someone else, har drawn their fingers through it.

“Nice.” Eddie said, smiling down at his lap.

“You can tell me more than that, man.” Buck teased, “Did you have a good time?”

“I did, I had a good time.”

That was about how much they usually shared about their dates, so Buck wasn’t sure why he was pushing for more. Maybe just to make sure Eddie really did have a good time, and to show that he was supportive.

“Did he kiss you goodnight?”

“Buck.” Eddie hissed. But he was turning red.

“He did!” Buck exclaimed, calming down when Eddie hushed at him to be quiet so Chris didn’t wake.

“Was he good?”

At this question, Eddie widened his eyes at him, a clear question of ‘why the fuck are you asking me all this’ crossing his features.

Buck put up his hands, imploring,“I just want to know that you got treated right, your first time out. That no one took advantage.”

Eddie looked at him for a moment, before sighing fondly, “He only kissed my cheek.”

“Gentleman.” Buck said, aiming for teasing but not quite reaching there. He bit down on the urge to ask which cheek Eddie’s date had kissed. It was probably his left, Buck figured, right under his beauty mark. That’s what he would have picked.

“Yeah.” Eddie smiled, and Buck felt the urge to cough, his chest felt hollow all of the sudden.

“You alright?” Eddie asked, his whole focus on Buck now.

“I’m fine, my mouth just got a little dry. I should probably get going though.”

“Thank you, Buck, for this.”

“Any time.”

Buck wasn’t there when Eddie had his next two dates, and getting anything out of him beyond ‘it was fun’ afterwards was impossible, so Buck had no way of knowing how things were going with Eddie (and he just needed to know, alright. Because he was his best friend), at least until tonight, when a stressed Eddie called because Carla had felt a bit sick and Eddie had sent her home, and now he had no one to watch Chris.

“Of course I’ll come,” Buck said, and when he arrived, Eddie was already late, so there wasn’t time for anything besides an update on Chris and hasty thank you’s.

That night, Eddie came stumbling in late. Well, late for Eddie anyway. And when he came home, it was on unsteady legs, his hair a mess, but dressed really nicely in some black slacks and a burgundy button down.

“Hey, Buck. Sorry, I just gotta freshen up real quick, I’ll be right back.”

Buck stood frozen in the living room for a moment, before walking to the kitchen and grabbing them some water.

When Eddie returned he had changed into some joggers, and he threw himself down on the couch next to Buck, leaning his head against the backrest and closing his eyes for a moment.

“I take it tonight was a good night?” Buck asked.

“We went dancing.” Eddie replied, eyes still closed and a smile on his face. “I danced with a man.”

Buck was so so happy for Eddie, that he was getting to experience what he had denied himself for so long. That's what he wanted to say, but instead what came out was “You never told me you dance,”

“I dance.” Eddie said, turning his head towards Buck and opening his eyes.

“And this guy, the man who took you dancing, was he a gentleman as well?”

“No.” Eddie said, with a satisfied smile, turning his head away from Buck.

“And you were okay with that?” Buck asked, narrowing his eyes.

“I really was.”

“What, uh, did he do?”

“Why do you want to know?” Eddie asked, looking confused.

“I just.” Buck hesitated, “I still want to be a part of your life.”

“I mean. You are.” Eddie frowned, “You always will be. You don’t need to ask about -”

“I’m your best friend, who else can you tell?” Buck said, “You should have someone to talk to.”

“Alright.” Eddie sighed, “What do you want to know?”

“You went dancing.”

“I went dancing.”

“What did you dance?”

“It was a gay salsa bar. We danced salsa.”

“And did you dance with your date? The not-gentleman?”

“He asked me to dance, yes.”

“And you liked it? someone taking you out on the town?” The question was hardly necessary, as Eddie was practically glowing. Buck was happy for him, and yet it felt unfair, somehow. Buck and Eddie knew everything about each other. But now some stranger knew how Eddie looked when he danced, and Buck didn’t.

“Taking me out on the town?” Eddie laughed, “Buck, you are making me sound like a girl from the 50s.”

“And after you danced?”

“He drove me home.”

“He took you for a drive?” Buck leered, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. His tone was joking, but for some reason this didn’t feel amusing at all.

Eddie threw an incredulous look at him, and Buck rolled his eyes “Eddie, I’m not going to be scandalized if you got to second base in a car. We’re adults.”

“You’ve never asked before.”

“There hasn’t been much to ask about, dude.” Buck said and Eddie huffed.

He just. Buck couldn’t explain it, but. He just needed to know. How Eddie had been touched, where he had been touched.

“It was new for you, what you did, right, but you are alright? Everything was okay?”

“Everything was okay, Buck I promise.” Eddie smiled.

“And you’d tell me if they weren't? If someone did something, or asked you to do something, you didn’t want.”

“Buck.”

“Please promise, Eddie.”

“I promise, Buck.” Eddie replied “I know you have my back. But I promise you, I liked everything that happened tonight.”

“I just, I want you to be able to talk about this with me, I’m your best friend. Best friends talk about things like this.”

“I appreciate that Buck, I do.” Eddie hesitated, “But I. I think that’s enough sharing for tonight.”

Buck reluctantly accepted his defeat, but he felt uneasy as he watched Eddie get ready for bed, not knowing what else he had experienced without Buck. Not liking the possibility that there could be things about Eddie that he wasn't allowed to know.

They were all hanging around at the loft at work when Buck could hear Eddie planning for his next date.

“We both have Thursday and Saturday off Carla, so I wanted to check with you if you’d be available on either of those nights? Oh great -”

Buck snatched the phone from Eddie’s hand so quickly that the other man was left looking at his hand in confusion.

“Never mind him Carla, I’ll take care of Christopher.”

“Buckaroo,” an amused voice greeted him, “how kind of you to help Eddie get out. Well, like I was telling Eddie, I’m free Saturday if he needs me, though apparently he doesn’t.”

"Thanks Carla! He doesn’t!” Buck said, hanging up Eddie’s phone and turning to look at him, Eddie had his eyebrows raised in skeptical surprise.

“We have the same schedule, I’ll keep Chris company.” Buck said with a shrug.

“Right, but don’t you have any plans of your own?” Eddie asked.

“I’m your wing-man!” Buck said, “I got your back.”

“Well, thanks Buck.” Eddie said with a bemused smile, “I know Chris will be happy to have you around. His new science project is on plankton, and I told him you could tell him all about that book you just read. And then maybe this Sunday we could go to the aquarium, you could crash on the couch if you wanted, drive there with us?”

“That would be great.” Buck smiled, watching Eddie’s back as he rose from his seat to make more coffee. This was great, two days of Eddie and Chris to look forward to.

“Buck, you are a single man in his thirties,” Chim said, “and Eddie clearly had childcare on lock, why are you spending Saturday night babysitting?”

“I’m his wing-man?” Buck said, only to be met with a twin set of raised eyebrows from Hen and Chimney.

He couldn’t really think of anything he’d rather do than have a weekend with the Diaz boy’s, and also if he wasn’t there when Eddie returned from his date, he’d never get to know what Eddie had done that night.

He saw Hen open his mouth and before she could get a word out, Buck was out of his seat and in the kitchen next to Eddie, smiling at his best friend and rummaging around the pantry for the last box of Eddie’s favorite crackers which he had hid there from Ravi last shift.

“Oh man, thanks! I thought we were out,” Eddie smiled at him, bumping his shoulder against Buck’s, before grabbing some fresh coffee and returning to the table.

“Have a drink with me?” Buck asked, “Night is still young.”

“Sure,” Eddie smiled, “let me change real quick and I’ll join you on the porch.”

Buck grabbed two beers, and after a moment of hesitation, he returned for the tequila Eddie kept hidden in the upper cabinets and some shot glasses. It was Saturday night after all.

Eddie sat down next to him, handing him a hoodie which Buck gratefully accepted, and for a moment they just sat in silence.

Eddie looked lovely, the rays of the setting sun warming his face. Buck might be straight, but he still had eyes. He’d always known that Eddie was beautiful. Plenty of people did, but Eddie had never paid any attention to that before. But now he was. Now he was letting people see him. And Buck felt guilty about how possessive he felt about Eddie's time and attention sometimes, because the change in him was good. He looked freer. There was a softness and a lightness to him now. He looks like he would welcome being approached.

They had been drinking, talking about Eddie’s family and his recent trip to El Paso, when the subject of the future came up and Eddie said, “I’ve been doing a lot of unlearning this year, with the help of Frank, and together with my dad if you can believe it. About what a man should be, who I should be - and figuring out who I want to be instead.

I’ve felt like I've had to be in control for so long, you know, even before Shannon, I was expected to be the man of the house. And the pressure of it had led me to some self-destructive behaviors, and when things got too much, I either ran away, to the army, or I broke down, first with the fighting and then later against my own walls. Trying to be in control, trying to carry it all myself, life has proven time and time again that that’s the road to destruction for me. And thanks to you, and Bobby, and Frank, I think I’ve finally accepted that that’s not what I want. And if it tears me down, it’s not what's good for Chris either.”

God, Buck was so fucking proud of his friend.

“Do you know what it is you want?” Buck asked.

“We’ve worked on me allowing myself to be who I am, and to want things, just for me. And I realized that I want someone to lean on, and I know I have those people around me,” Eddie said, smiling at Buck, ”but eventually, I'd like a partner to lean on, someone who I could trust to share the burden with. Someone who could take over control and lead, once in a while, so that I could lean against them. So I wouldn’t feel as alone anymore.

Chris is getting to be a teenager and more independent, and I'm settled, and there is less need to be so in control, to be honest. So maybe it’s a little easier to play with the idea of letting go a little bit. To imagine, god I don’t know, imagine someone taking care of me, maybe, sometimes.”

Eddie looked bashful as he spoke, looking out at the garden to avoid Buck’s eyes, but his voice hadn’t wavered.

Ever since Buck found his way, shed Buck 1.0, he’d been wanting to prove that he was capable and dependable, worthy, to the people around him. But Maddie still saw him as her baby brother, the kid she raised, and wanted to protect. Bobby still remembered him as a probie, as someone who was reckless or inexperienced, and he loved Buck and that made him worry about him, and Buck kept trying and trying his best to prove to everyone that he had matured, that he was ready.

But Eddie. Eddie, who had had a kid and a mortgage and knew how do taxes, had looked at a Buck that was barely past 1.0 and had confided in him, had trusted him from that first handshake forward. Buck was the person Eddie trusted would best care for Chris in his absence, but also together, in the here and now. Somehow, to Eddie, Buck had always been dependable. Somehow, by stepping in with Eddie and Chris, Buck had learned to be.

They had always done their best to support each other, and he knew they were both so much better for it. Buck wanted nothing more than to continue to be the person Eddie always leaned on. But when he had asked Buck to step even closer, he hadn’t been able to love Eddie like he deserved.

“I see you looking guilty. Don’t. Yeah you kinda are like, my dream guy I guess, don’t let it go to your head.” Eddie smiled, punching him lightly on his shoulder, “But since it can’t be you, I’m thankful you showed me what I could wish for, you know? What a good partnership is. You set a high standard. If I meet someone they will have big shoes to fill. But maybe I deserve someone with, uh, with big feet.” Eddie frowned at himself, clearly not expecting his sentence to end up there.

Buck didn’t really know what to say, was pretty sure if he tried to address what Eddie had said right now, he’d probably break down and cry. No one saw Buck like Eddie did. So instead he tried to lighten the mood by saying, “Big feet, huh? So you like ‘em big?”

“Shut up!” Eddie laughed, pouring them another drink. And the mood got lighter after that.

Way too much tequila was consumed considering the fact that they had an energetic pre-teen to take to the aquarium early tomorrow, but it eventually loosened Buck’s tongue enough to ask what he had been dying to since Eddie came home from his date. And he thought Eddie might be tipsy enough to answer. Tequila Eddie was chatty.

“And did you touch him?”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

Eddie smiled, pushing his thumb against his lower lip.

“Fuck.” Buck whispered, guessing what that meant, “You liked that?”

“I liked it.” Eddie laughed, “I need to practice, but I liked it a lot.”

“Did he return the favor?”

“Yeah and it was good, but.”

“But?”

“But being the one to do it?” Eddie smiled bashfully, ears red, “I liked that a lot more.”

“Shit Eddie, your boy is a lucky guy,” Buck said, images running wild behind hís eyelids. Eddie was such a reserved guy in many ways. Tidy. That must be why his mind got stuck on the image of his friend on his knees. It was just surprising, that was all.

“I’ve known I’m gay for a while,” Eddie said, “but, I wasn’t prepared for him much I’d like -”

Eddie abruptly laid down on his back on the porch, perhaps in an effort to close the subject or to stop himself from talking. Or simply because he was drunk and too tired to stay seated.

In any case, Buck wasn’t willing to let him drop the subject just yet. He had to know.

“What did you like?” Buck asked, leaning towards him and holding himself up on one hand, almost leaning over Eddie as he laid there, and demanded “Tell me. Tell me Eddie.”

“Cock,” Eddie whispered, and Buck drew in a surprised breath. “Men.”

Eddie’s pupils were dilated, and he was biting his lip.

“I, I didn’t know sex could feel this way. That I could want it this much. Enjoy it so much.”

If you had asked Buck yesterday, if someone could manage to look innocent while talking about loving cock of all things, he would have laughed at them. But somehow Eddie pulled it off.

Buck felt a little guilty, he knew Eddie wouldn’t be this forthcoming if he hadn’t convinced him that tequila was a good idea. But he just. He’d had to know. He had to. The nights Eddie had gone on dates without telling him about them he hadn’t been able to sleep. It was great that Eddie finally got to have these experiences, really, but Buck needed to know what he had done, how he had been touched when Buck wasn’t there.

When Buck looked back at Eddie, he saw that his friend was close to falling asleep there on the porch, and forced himself up on his feet, intent on getting them both inside.

When Buck woke that morning, it was to images of Eddie on his knees, with Buck’s hand in his hair, and he had to hurry into the bathroom for a really cold shower.

“Alejandro said he had a good time with you on Saturday,” Chim teased as they were setting the table, and Buck saw Eddie flush slightly.

“You were with -” Buck started to ask, somehow thrown by the fact that Eddie’s… guy… now had a name.

“Told you all I knew what I was doing,” Chim said, triumphantly.

“Is he a nice young man?” Athena asked, giving Bobby a kiss on the cheek when she sat down.

“I’m sure he was very nice to our Eddie.”

“Shut up,” Eddie mumbled at Chim, before turning to Athena, “He is nice, but it’s just casual.”

“It doesn't have to stay that way, you know that right? However it started, if you have good chemistry, there is nothing wrong with seeing where it goes.” Bobby said.

“I know. I’m just not quite ready yet,” Eddie said, “and neither is he. Alejandro’s divorce isn’t even finalized, and he is not ready for anything new or to introduce his daughter to anyone.”

“He has a kid?” Buck croaked, ignoring Bobby’s frown for having spoken with a mouth full of sallad.

“He seems like a great dad, and she is adorable,” Chim said, “six, I think?”

“Six, yeah, Isabella. But I’m not meeting her, we only meet up when she is with his ex, but it’s nice to be with someone that gets what it’s like, dating as a single father.”

“Well, it sounds like this man is perfect for what you need right now, just don’t close your eyes to the fact that he could end up being perfect for what you need in the future as well. You deserve to be happy.” Athena said, putting her hand over Eddie’s.

“I want to be,” Eddie whispered to Athena, so softly that if Buck hadn’t been sitting right next to him, he wouldn’t have caught it.

All of the sudden he felt awful about whatever part of him it was that wasn’t enthusiastic for Eddie. Maybe he felt a little possessive about his best friend's time, a little anxious about him having all these experiences that Buck wasn’t part of and couldn't relate to. Maybe even about losing space in the Diaz household should a new man come in and steal away Eddie’s attention.

But the fact remained that he was the reason Eddie couldn’t be happy in this way. Eddie’s feelings for him was the reason he couldn’t fall for someone else. And because Buck couldn't return his feelings, Eddie was stuck waiting for them to pass.

All his life he had been hoping for someone to stay and love him, it felt unfair that the universe chose to punish Eddie with that fate.

“Thought I’d find you here,” Eddie said when he stepped out onto the roof, two cups of coffee in his hands.

“Just thinking,” Buck replied.

“Dangerous,” Eddie snorted, and at Buck’s offended face he let out a loud laugh, “I mean it though, it doesn’t look like you are thinking happy thoughts.”

“Hmm,” Buck agreed wordlessly, accepting the cup of coffee that was offered.

“You know I’m fine, right?” Eddie said, joining him so that they were both leaning against the railing and looking out at the city lights. “I saw how you looked during dinner.”

“It’s my fault that -”

“One, how I feel isn’t and never will be your fault.” Eddie interrupted him.

“Eddie -“

“Two, however unmatched my feeling may be, I will never regret falling in love with you. Telling you about how I felt, imagining something for my future, even if it didn’t turn out to be possible, was the first time since … Oh, I don't even know, honestly, that I let myself wish for something good for myself. It made me realize that that’s okay. I can want something, and ask for it. I can want a good thing.”

He thinks I’m a good thing, Buck thought, feeling stunned.

“Eddie.” Buck said, feeling heartbroken, “You deserve the best things.”

“Buck. It is okay. I promise you it is.” Eddie said, turning towards him, “Maybe it will take me a while to fall out of love with you, maybe I never will. Maybe I will be able to love more than one person, maybe I won't. I don’t know. But I am alright, I promise.”

“I don’t want you to be lonely,” Buck said. But I also don’t want you to leave me, he thought selfishly.

“I’m not alone,” Eddie said, but they both knew that that wasn’t the same thing, “and besides, there are options besides celibacy and marriage, Buck, and I’ve been doing alright with finding company. I know I haven’t been a person to casually date before but.”

“But it’s different now?”

“It’s different now that I want it. I never really got to do the whole dating around thing before, and I think it’s been good to me, getting to explore that, I’ve been learning about myself too you know? And it’s not just the dating. It’s the whole,” Eddie paused, tilting his head before continuing, “finding my place in a community. Going to queer bars, and dances, and events. It’s been really good for me. Look, do I hope I find someone to love eventually? Yes, but I promise that I’m alright right now.”

The alarm sounding put a stop to the rest of the conversation, forcing them to abandon their coffee and rush downstairs.

The next time Eddie asked him to babysit, he offered to drop Chris off at Buck’s.

“You plan on being gone all night?” Buck asked over the phone, and he thought he managed to sound casual when he asked.

“Not all night.” Eddie replied, voice low enough that Buck had to focus to hear him. He figured Chris probably was in the other room. “But late, later than usual. Maybe.”

“I don’t mind coming to yours.” Buck said, “That way you don’t have to bring all of Chris’s stuff here.” Back when Buck first met them, Chris fell asleep in his loft often enough that he had a spare pyjamas there, but he was older now, not prone to falling asleep during visits anymore.

“It will be too late for you to drive home.” Buck could picture Eddie worrying, he was probably frowning and biting his lip.

“I'll crash on your couch, it’s fine.”

“Thank you, Buck, really, he was supposed to have a sleepover at Denny’s but -”

“But both he and Karen picked up that flu that's been going around, I know.”

“Thank you, again.”

True to his word, Eddie comes home late, the clock past two AM when Buck wakes to the front door opening. He had been struggling to fall asleep, even though that rarely happened when he slept on Eddie’s couch, and he felt strangely alert when he woke.

Instead of letting Eddie tip toe past him to the bathroom or bedroom, Buck rose from the couch and walked over to him.

Eddie had left in jeans and a nice shirt, but he returned in sweats and a loose tank top, a small overnight bag over his shoulder. But that wasn’t the only thing loose about him, Eddie looked more relaxed and loose limbed than Buck had ever seen him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Eddie whispered. His eyes were half lidded and his mouth still in an absentminded smile. Buck would have thought he was drunk, except he couldn’t smell any alcohol on him.

When Buck pulled Eddie towards the couch, the other man followed without question, letting himself be led and placed on the couch, without even a questioning look.

“You had a good night Eddie?”

“Mhmm.”

“What did you do?”

“Went to his place.” Eddie said around a yawn and stretching. His tank top shifted with his movements, and Buck got a peek at Eddie’s nipple, looking surprisingly red, and oh. That was a hickey on his peck.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

And then Eddie let out a stunned laugh. No, no a giggle. Eddie Diaz, let out an honest to god giggle, and then hid his head in his hands. When his face reappeared from behind his hands it was a lot redder.

Buck had seen Eddie giddy, from exhaustion, from joy, and he and Chris had managed to get a few giggles out of him, though he always vehemently denied that they were giggles after. Whoever this man was that Eddie left, wasn’t the only one that made him laugh like that. But, this side of Eddie, the silly and bashful and giggly side, wasn’t something many people got to see. And now there was a new person, that had only known Eddie a short time, that was bringing out this side of him.

Well, that new man might be bringing it out, but it was still only being shown to Buck. But that man had gotten to see something else, hadn’t he. Been the first one, to see these new sides of Eddie, and that didn’t feel fair.

So yeah, giggly Eddie, though a rare creature, wasn’t an unfamiliar one. But he’d never seen Eddie this… malleable. For once he wasn’t questioning why Buck was asking him questions, he seemed halfway away somewhere.

They had started out both facing forward, but somehow Buck had ended up sideways, facing Eddie, who was still facing forwards, grinning at the ceiling, head resting against the backrest.

“Did he touch you?” Buck asked.

“Mmmm.”

“Where?”

"Everywhere."

“And did you touch him?”

“Yeah.”

“And did he take good care of you?”

“He took good care of me, alright,” Eddie laughed, “You don’t have to worry Buck, Eddie Diaz’s gay deflowering went just fine.”

Eddie’s reply took the wind out of Buck.

You let someone else go for the title? Buck thought, irrationally.

“You let him take you?” was what he asked instead.

“I didn’t let him, I asked him.”

“Because you like that? You like being taken?”

Eddie closed his eyes, almost arching his back, as if reliving a moment from the night. Buck wanted his attention back on him. “I wasn’t sure if I would but. I liked it. God. I liked it a lot.”

Buck noticed that his own hands were fisted, holding the fabric of his sweatpants in a tight grip. He was suddenly afraid that if didn’t hold on to something, he’d grab Eddie and not let go.

“You want to do it again?”

“Yeah.”

“With him?” Buck asked, and he realized that this was the first time he had asked a question about the man Eddie was with.

Eddie turned to face him now, eyes searching Buck’s face for something.

Buck didn’t know if Eddie found what he was looking for, because instead of speaking, Eddie got up from the couch, placing a gentle kiss on the top of Buck’s head.

Buck watched Eddie walk away, turning to look at Buck for a moment when he reached his bedroom door, and then walking inside.

It wasn’t until Eddie was gone that Buck looked down and realized he was hard.

That night he dreamt of Eddie again.

In the morning Buck bolted from the Diaz household as soon as he could, ending up on Hen’s doorstep at 9 am.

“Buck, is everything alright?”

“Everyone is fine.” He said, “But I’m not alright.”

A few moments later they were sat at Hen’s kitchen table, and Buck had been trying to explain everything that had been happening the past four months.

“So let me get this straight. Sorry, see if I understand it correctly.” Hen said, taking a sip of coffee, “When Eddie told you he was in love with you, you told him that you were straight and didn’t feel the same way.”

“Right.”

“And you are upset about that? About being straight?”

“Well, yeah. Eddie was offering me everything I wanted, a family, a future, and with like, the best person on earth.” Buck said, like the answer was obvious.

“Right, so, you turned down this dream life with this wonderful person.” Hen asked in a dry voice.

“Yeah. And I’ve been trying to be supportive, but it’s killing me that someone else is getting to do all this with Eddie, and that one day he will fall in love with some other man and he will get that life I couldn't have.” Buck said, looking down at his hands.

“Right, right. And what’s this ‘all this’ that someone is getting to experience with Eddie?”

“You know, getting to take him dancing, to nice restaurants, be his first kiss, first.” Buck cleared his throat awkwardly.

“And that’s upsetting to you? Someone being with Eddie this way? And it’s not because you are uncomfortable with your best friend being with a man right?”

“No! I’d never have an issue with that, you know me Hen!”

“I know, calm down. Okay, well, you know Eddie will never want you to leave his life, no matter what. But yes, there could, and should, if that's what Eddie wants, come a day when he finds a partner.”

“I know. I want him to be happy.”

“But…”

“The thought of someone sleeping in his bed, and me having to go home at the end of the night. I hate that.” Buck confessed.

"Right…" Hen said, eyebrows raised.

“And then…”

“What, Buck?"

“Well last night, I was asking him about his date, and when he told me, I...”

“You?” Hen prompted.

“I got hard. When I pictured Eddie, like - like he was last night. I got hard. And then once Eddie had gone to bed I. um. I masturbated to the idea of me doing that to Eddie. And I’ve been having these dreams about him too.”

“Let me stop you there. But okay, so when you did that, did it feel good to think about Eddie? Did you feel like you were attracted to Eddie?

“I think so. It’s difficult, Eddie is, Eddie, you know? He isn’t some random person I’m just looking at, he is so much more. So much.”

“Close your eyes,” Hen sayd, “think about Eddie, could you see yourself being attracted to him?”

Buck closed his eyes and took a moment to picture Eddie. He meant what he had told Hen, Eddie had come to mean so much to him, that it was hard to look at him without all that they were shining through. He didn't think he had really focused on Eddie’s appearance or body since they met, it had become so familiar to him.

But he thought of it now, Eddie, sun kissed and smiling, Eddie laughing with Chris, Eddie at the gym all sweaty and focused, Eddie in his nice green button down, Eddie in that loose tank top where if he moved just so, you could glimpse a nipple. Eddie, loose limbed and fucked, Eddie on his knees, Eddie below him, looking up and biting his lip. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

“Oh I really can. Fuck me, how did I miss that?” Buck said, opening his eyes and feeling stunned. “And what does that mean?”

“Well, it could mean that you are attracted to Eddie.” Hen said, reasonably.

“But I've never been attracted to men before!” Buck said, sure he would look at a guy and know he was attractive, but he didn’t think he had ever wanted to do anything about it before.

“That’s alright, Buck. Sexuality can be fluid and it’s different for everyone, and being queer isn’t about how many people you find attractive. And Buck I will say this, most straight people don’t wish they were queer. Let yourself think about what all these feelings could mean, and what it is you want. You don’t have to decide on anything yet. Not your identity, or whether you love Eddie or not, you can take your time.”

"Of course I love Eddie,” Buck scoffed, “I just, I just hadn’t realized how I loved him.”

Buck couldn’t remember the car ride home. After his conversation with Hen, his and Eddie’s friendship was flashing through his mind's eye, and it was all clicking into place. Of course. Of course he was in love with Eddie. What he felt had grown slowly but into something so big that he hadn't been able to recognize it from this close. He hadn’t realized that he had been wandering in the forest of Eddie love, because the trees had blocked his view, or however that quote went, Buck couldn’t check because he was driving. But he had cut down those trees and now he saw it for what it was now.

Eddie had become so familiar, so beloved, that he had never thought to look at him properly, to take a step back and think.

He had been stepping in with Eddie, and Eddie had been stepping in with him, and none of it had felt like work. Yeah, it had been hard at times, but it had never been difficult to choose Eddie, in fact the choice had been so easy he never even consciously made it.

He had been building the life he always wanted, and he hadn't even realized.

He needed to see Eddie right now.

He had been driving to his apartment, but he changed direction at the next intersection and started driving towards Eddie.

The traffic wasn't even that terrible considering the morning rush was over, but Buck was so impatient that it felt like forever.

He had been letting Eddie think he was alone with his feelings for months, he couldn’t let him think he was alone for a second longer.

“Eddie! Eddie!” Buck shouted and he entered his house, not getting a reply.

“Eddie!"

“What? Buck?” Eddie replied, turning off the vacuum.

Today was laundry and cleaning day, so Eddie was busy cleaning, dressed in a pair of cut off sweats and his oversized tank top, hair fluffy and unstyled.

“Did you forget something?”

“Eddie, I love you.” Buck blurted out.

“I love you too, man. What's up?”

“No, Eddie, I love you. I'm in love with you.”

Eddie did not look as thrilled as Buck had hoped. He mainly looked confused.

“You are still in love with me, right? I'm not too late?”

“I am still in love with you,” Eddie replied, “but I also do love you, and that won't change even if you aren't in love with me. I know you've been worrying, but you will always have a spot here, no matter what. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be in love with me to keep me and Chris. That's not fair to you or to me Buck. I deserve to be with someone who can fall in love with me for real, who wants to be with me.”

Buck spared a moment of pride for Eddie, who had come so far in the whole self respect department. He should send Frank a gift basket. But he would come back to that later.

“Of course you deserve that Eddie!” Buck said, stepping closer, “I wouldn't ever lie to you. I have never lied to you. This is the big time, forever love kinda thing that you can tell your abuela about, I promise.”

Eddie still didn’t look like he quite believed Buck, hands gripping the vacuum in front of him almost like a shield, as his eyes scanned over Buck.

“You said you couldn't fall in love with me.” Eddie said, his voice breaking.

“I couldn’t imagine my feelings for you changing but what I hadn't realized was that I had been falling in love with you for so long and so naturally and so deeply all along. I didn’t know love could be this, could be us.” Buck said, “I was stupid Eddie. And I let you think you were alone in this. Can you forgive me?”

“What if, what if the reality of me,” Eddie said, pausing to gesture to himself, “isn't something you actually want? It's nice on paper, right? Falling in love with your best friend. But... Buck, I worry you are rushing into something without thinking it through. I don’t want this to be another relationship you just fall into because it’s convenient, with no idea how you got there or why.”

“Eddie,” Buck said, moving closer, “I know every step that got me here. That got us here. I know you, I know us, and I’m walking into this with my eyes wide open.”

“What about the things you’ve always wanted? The wife and kids and the white picket fence?”

“We can paint your fence, Eddie.” Buck smiled, “And you’ve already given me a child.”

“Buck.” Eddie said, and he still looked so hesitant.

Buck moved a little closer, slowly, afraid of spooking Eddie.

“Eddie.” Buck said, “Eddie Diaz. Would I ever be careless with your heart?”

“No.” Eddie replied, eyes wide.

“Would I ever do something that could hurt you?”

“No.” Eddie whispered, eyes welling up.

“Then let me kiss you, sweetheart.” Buck said.

Buck closed the final distance between them, and pulled the vacuum out of his grasp, letting it fall to the side despite the brief look of irritation Eddie shot him, before he crowded in close. And perhaps Buck should be as nervous and hesitant as Eddie was, but Eddie Diaz, frowning, hair fluffy, dressed in his slutty laundry day tank top, was the most beautiful thing Buck could imagine, and Buck couldn’t recall a single thing he had ever done, besides maybe putting on his uniform, that felt this right.

Kissing Eddie felt like the most natural thing.

“Mmm,'' Eddie moaned, a moment later, finally relaxing into the kiss, and Buck took that as his que to deepen the kiss, his tongue licking against Eddie’s lower lip.

Buck wouldn't be able to tell you how long they kissed right there in the middle of Eddie’s living room. When Buck pulled back Eddie’s lips tried to chase after his, and when Eddie opened his eyes to meet Buck’s, his lips were pink and cheeks flushed. Buck couldn’t help but grin at the sight.

"Yeah?" Eddie asked, his voice awed and disbelieving. And though Buck cherished the look of wonder in Eddie’s eyes, he was determined to chase away the disbelief.

Eddie had always been a man of action, though he had recently gotten better at matching it with words, and Buck figured that the best way of getting Eddie to believe what Buck was saying was to show him.

With a plan of action, Buck placed Eddie arms around his neck and grabbed onto the back of his thighs, hoisting him up.

“Buck, shit,” Eddie gasped in surprise, legs wrapping around Buck’s waist.

Being careful not to trip on the vacuum cord (because Eddie refused to upgrade the vacuum to a cordless one since “it works just fine Buck, and I don’t want Hildy to know what my floor look like, she knows too much already!”), Buck made his way to Eddie’s bedroom, kicking the door wide open and landing in a heap on the bed, with Eddie underneath him.

Kissing down Eddie’s throat, sucking marks and then pulling his tanktop up so that he could continue kissing his way down, Buck said, “I'm going to make you feel so good, Eddie.”

When Buck reached Eddie’s shorts he tugged, and Eddie lifted his hips so that Buck could pull off both his shorts and briefs.

“So fucking pretty Eddie.” Buck groaned, taking in the sight in front of him.

Eddie turned pink at the praise, he looked embarrassed but also a little pleased, so Buck continued, “Handsome, gorgeous, hot, the prettiest. I'm so fucking lucky, Eddie.”

Then Eddie, perhaps tired of waiting for Buck to make a move, or perhaps a bit overwhelmed by the praise, rose to his knees and pulled Buck in for a kiss, before surprising him by twisting them around and landing on top. Eddie gave a satisfied smirk and started kissing his way down Buck’s neck, moving up his arm, then moving up and kissing his palm and each of his fingers.

“I've always loved your hands”, he murmured “they are so strong, so gentle.”

When Eddie kissed his wrist he didn’t say anything, just looked into Buck’s eyes, a soft expression in his eyes.

Then Eddie moved down and bit Buck’s bicep with a cheeky expression, “I've wanted to do that for years.”

Eddie continued his exploration, eliciting gasps and groans from Buck as he explored his body. When he reached the waistband of Buck’s sweatpants he lifted an eyebrow and Buck eagerly lifted his hips, letting Eddie tug them down and pull them and his boxer briefs off.

He couldn't help the smug smirk when he noticed Eddie’s surprised intake of breath and saw his pupils dilate.

“Like what you see, Diaz?” Buck couldn’t help but smirk.

In response, Eddie spit in his hand and gave his cock a firm stroke.

“Fuck,” Buck groaned, “I guess you do, huh?”

“Can I?” Eddie asked, looking up at him through his lashes.

“Yes, fuck, anything you want Eddie.” Buck said, raising himself up on his elbows to watch.

Eddie took his time, his hand was stroking Buck firmly, and Eddie had moved closer, his mouth hovering close to his cock, Eddie’s warm breath teasing him.

“Cocktease,” Buck said, amused.

Eddie smiled, dragging his tongue along Buck’s cock, root to tip, tracing the vein there and making Buck hiss. Eddie continues his teasing, licking over his cockhead, taking it into his mouth and sucking, but not taking him any further.

Buck had to stop himself from pushing up his hips, and from the look on Eddie’s face, he noticed. He had Buck right where he wanted him and he was enjoying the tease.

“I thought you said,” Buck groaned, “that you loved cock. Don’t tease, baby.”

Eddie smirked, moving his lips from Buck’s cockhead, and before Buck could object, or beg, Eddie lightly slapped Buck’s cock against his cheek. The sight of Eddie fucking, cockslapping himself, had precome leaking out of him, smearing Eddie’s cheek.

For a moment, they just looked at each other, and then, with a groan, Eddie swallowed him.

From the moans Eddie let out when he took him in and started moving, fuck, he really did love cock. Buck wanted to hug whoever taught Eddie how to give blow jobs, and then he wanted to make sure Eddie forgot all about him.

Part of Buck (mainly, the part inside of Eddie’s warm mouth) wanted nothing more than to let Eddie do whatever he wanted. Eddie’s eyes were closed in pleasure, and the way he swallowed when he took Buck down his throat would have Buck coming in no time. But Buck wasn’t ready for this to be over, and he needed to get his hands on Eddie.

Buck fisted his hand in Eddie’s hair, causing Eddie to open his eyes and moan, leading Buck to letting out a corresponding groan, both at the feeling and the sight in front of him, Eddie looked almost drunk with pleasure as he sat there between his legs.

He used his grip on Eddie’s hair to pull him back, and he could have used his words he supposed, but then he wouldn’t have gotten to see Eddie trying to crane his head forward to stay on his cock, seen him turn beseeching, begging, eyes towards him. Like there was nothing he wanted, needed, more than to have Buck’s cock back in his throat.

Fuck, Eddie. This man was going to be the death of him.

“I’m gonna fuck you.” Buck said, and he hardly recognised his own voice, he sounded wrecked.

He realized he still hadn’t let go of Eddie’s hair, so he used his grip to pull him up, and then into a kiss.

They kissed for a while, Eddie settling onto his lap, and soon he was grinding his hips, pushing forward to grind their cocks together.

When they let go for air, Buck couldn’t help but grin goofily at the sight above him, “So fucking hot Eds.”

He started kissing down Eddie’s throat, and pushed his hips up, “Wanna fuck you baby. Can I?”

“Fuck. Yes.” Eddie groaned, moving to all fours and opening his bedside drawer to remove lube and condoms.

Eddie moved back onto his lap, wetting his fingers with lube and moving his hand to open himself up.

“Let me see.” Buck asked, “turn around, show me.”

Eddie hesitated, but Buck wasn’t above begging, “Come on Texas, you know reverse cowgirl, I know you do. So show me, cowboy.” At that Eddie laughed, and together they maneuvered him so that he was facing the other way, straddling Buck’s lower stomach, and when he started opening himself up, Buck had the best view in town.

Buck had never felt this playful during sex before, this free to just say what was on his mind, to ask for what he wanted so blatantly, knowing that this was Eddie, his best friend, and they got each other.

Eddie grabbed his left cheek, moving it, letting Buck see his hole, and then he was pushing a finger inside. Buck watched, mesmerized, as Eddie added another finger, watching them move in and out, watching how Eddie’s hips had started to move back against his hand.

While Eddie was distracted, Buck got the fingers of his right hand wet with lube, and when Eddie moved his fingers out, ready to add another one, Buck gently nudged his hand away, and moved three of his fingers against Eddie’s hole, watching with bated breath as Eddie welcomed him inside.

“Look at you, swallowing me up, so eager,” Buck praised, while raising himself into a seated position, guiding Eddie to move forward a bit and rest on his elbows, as he continued fucking into him with his fingers.

“Buck, darlin’,” Eddie started to say, voice breaking as he moaned, “more, I’m ready.”

“More fingers?” Buck asked, pausing with his fingers deep inside, stroking his thumb teasingly against Eddie’s rim, “or more cock?”

“Cock,” Eddie groaned, “Buck, I need you.”

“Anything, anything for you.” Buck promised, giving Eddie’s lower back a gentle kiss.

A million possibilities flashed through Buck’s mind, he wanted to fuck Eddie just like this, face down and ass up, watching him take his cock. He wanted Eddie on top, working for it, and showing him just how much he liked getting fucked. He wanted them face to face, looking into Eddie’s eyes and licking into his mouth.

The sight before him was too tempting to resist though, so once Buck had put on the condom and lube, he gripped Eddie’s hip with one hand, and used the other to slowly feed him his cock. It truly was a sight to behold, Eddie’s rim stretching to accommodate him. Eddie was letting out these quiet little half moans, his hands gripping the sheets tightly.

“Shit, gimme a sec, Buck,” Eddie moaned when he finally bottomed out, “you’re so big, I knew you’d be.” and Buck smirked in satisfaction, pausing for a moment once he was fully inside.

“Biggest you’ve had?” He asked, leaving one knee on the bed and planting the other leg firmly on the bed for leverage, fucking into Eddie slowly but firmly, mouth running without a filter, “Told you I could take you,”

I’m going for the title, Buck laughed, breathless, smiling in satisfaction when a well aimed thrust had Eddie cursing and moaning. Looked like he had found the perfect angle.

“Gonna make you forget everyone else, get you addicted to my cock. Ruin you for anyone else, baby. Because it's just us from now on, Eddie. You and me. Not letting you go.”

“Don’t want,” Eddie promised, his breath coming out in gasps, “anyone else. Love you.”

Eddie Diaz loved him. What a lucky guy he was.

“Need to see you,” Buck said, suddenly needing Eddie closer, he slowly pulled out of Eddie, making soothing noises at Eddie’s displeasure.

He turned Eddie around, kissing him instantly, pulling back to say, “I love you too.”

Eddie smiled in delight, no hesitation in sight. Good.

Buck kissed his lips, his cheeks, his forehead, nose, cheekbones, returning to his lips, “Love you lots.”

He kept kissing down Eddie’s throat, and then helped him move to his side, slotting behind him and guiding himself back inside. Both of them moaned when he pushed back in, Eddie’s body eagerly welcoming him back.

He started out slow, finding his rhythm in the new position, and then pushed Eddie’s right leg up to give him more space to fuck into the other man.

Eddie twisted his head towards him and Buck moved forward to meet him, biting his earlobe and resting his forehead against the side of Eddie’s head, letting out panting breaths.

“You close Eddie?” He asked, feeling his own orgasm approaching. He let go of Eddie’s thigh, murmuring his approval when Eddie moved to hold it up, reaching forward and grasping Eddie’s cock.

“That’s right, fuck my fist.” He babbled, “Do you feel good? Come on baby, come.”

“I am. Buck,” Eddie moaned, throwing his head back as he came, “you feel so good, you fuck me so good sweatheart.”

Eddie’s praise was what tipped him over, after a few more thrust he came with a loud groan.

Buck allowed himself to come down from the high, before carefully pulling out of Eddie, and discarding the condom, throwing it into the trash can.

He considered getting up, but he wasn’t sure his legs would be up for the task just yet, so he pulled Eddie against his chest and tugged a corner of the comforter loose, using it to wipe the cum from Eddie’s stomach.

At Eddie's reproachful look he shrugged, “It’s laundry day, isn't it? If you want a washcloth, you get up. I think you milked me dry man, I need a moment.”

“That’s how it’s gonna be huh?” Eddie asked, “You gonna be all useless after you come? Make me do all the work.”

“I already worked you over, you can spoil me some,” Buck smiled, giving Eddie’s ass a light slap.

Buck nuzzled his face into Eddie’s neck, “I took good care of you, right?” he asked a moment later, fishing for praise.

“You did,” Eddie said, turning around to face him, “took real good care of me. I loved it. I love you.”

Buck closed his eyes and grinned, savoring the praise. “Good. Want you to keep me.”

“Buck. You know I’ve loved you for years, right?” Eddie said, smiling fondly at him, ”I’d love you even if your dick was small and the sex was terrible.”

“Sweet talker,” Buck laughed, absolutely charmed.

“Not letting you go.” Eddie promised. “I know you, and I love you. Keeping you forever.”

He really was the luckiest man alive he thought, as he pulled Eddie in for a kiss, and promised, “Staying forever.”