Chapter Text
“so… you gonna tell chan or not?” hansol asked seungkwan as they walked the cold streets of seoul to the nearest convenience store.
seungkwan turned to looked at the younger in utter disbelief, “what? no. it’s too early!” hansol didn’t look convinced. “too early” is a sentence seungkwan has said for a while now and hansol was getting a little tired of hearing it again.
“hyung, it’s been how many years? five? six? you’ve been crushing on chan for so many years. just tell him and get it out of the way.” hansol suggested as they walked into the 7/11.
the familiar ringing of the bell alerted the cashier, who greeted them accordingly as they walked to the fridges to grab their drinks. hansol grabbed a random green tea and watched as seungkwan stood around the orange juice bottles, eyeing the different kinds.
“what are you doing, hyung?”
“trying to choose a drink for channie. he’s practicing right now, right?” seungkwan asked, finally selecting the highest quality one with a jeju orange on the front. hansol rolled his eyes but nodded either way.
seungkwan got an iced coffee for himself and he offered to pay for hansol, who threw a thumbs up towards the older. the walk to soonyoung’s dance studio from the convenience store wasn’t that far, just a five minute walk if anything.
when they made it inside, they were greeted by the rest of their friends, who were also waiting for soonyoung and chan to finish teaching their class. seungkwan watched at how chan looked so happy teaching the kids different techniques, causing seungkwan to smile.
he was always fond of the younger, ever since they met in middle school. during the first day of school, they were put in a group to introduce themselves and he just so happened to be in a group with hansol and chan. the trio just clicked a d became inseparable since. despite how often the two of them bicker and quarrel, seungkwan was quick to catch feelings in high school. how could he not with chan’s infectious smile and just him in general?
chan seemed to have noticed seungkwan through the window and smiled at him. seungkwan smiled back and waved.
“awww, saying hello to your boyfriend?” mingyu asked jokingly, wrapping an arm around seungkwan’s shoulder.
he blushed and shook his head, “what? no. no, he’s not my boyfriend, kim mingyu, i’ve told you this..”
“uh huh.. not yet~” seokmin teased, causing seungkwan to push him lightly, rolling his eyes.
shortly after, the class ended and kids walked with in hands with their parents and/or friends, waving goodbye to the group— specifically seungkwan.
“bye mr. boo! you’ll be at daycare tomorrow, right?” a little boy no older than six asked. seungkwan squatted down to his height and smiled, “i’ll try my best, junseo! you know, i have to go to school too.”
the little boy, junseo huffed, “i wish you were there everyday!” seungkwan was quite fond of the boy. he wasn’t bratty like some of the other kids, but had a little sass to his demeanor. he patted him on the head and wished him farewell along with his older brother, who happened to be a classmate of his at the university.
“i’ll see you in english tomorrow then, mr. boo?” yunho asked in a smooth voice. seungkwan sighed with his hands on his hips, “i suppose so.. see you tomorrow, yunho.”
yunho smiled at seungkwan and looked down at his shirt collar. before seungkwan could question it, yunho was quick to unfold one of the collarsw, making it look even on both sides. his fingers were a little cold as they touched seungkwan’s neck, causing him to shiver— it didn’t go unnoticed as yunho smiled.
“see ya~”
the sibling duo walked out of the studio and chan was soon by his side. “hey hyung, what was that about?”
“hm? oh, nothing. junseo wanted to ask me a question and so his yunho, i guess.” chan hummed in response and his eyes found the orange juice in seungkwan’s puffer jacket pocket.
“ah, right. here, i got it as a freebie at the convenience store.” seungkwan lied as he handed the bottle to chan, who inspected the bottle. he caught a glimpse of hansol out of his peripheral, who shook his head at seungkwan.
chan gasped at he read the label. “they gave you this as a freebie?! for what?!”
seungkwan held up his empty iced coffee cup, “for an iced coffee. it was like a buy a drink, get another drink free deal.” that part wasn’t a lie. there was indeed a buy one, get one free deal, but the orange juice was excluded from the deal because it was expensive as fuck (plus the discount was used for hansol and seungkwan’s drinks instead). but, chan didn’t have to know that.
chan smiled at seungkwan, “aw… you thought of me..” seungkwan rolled his eyes, “whatever. i’m not doing it again.” another lie.
“yah! get over here before the food gets cold!” seungcheol yelled from the backroom.
—
fuck it. todays the day. seungkwan thought as the group was wrapping up their dinner. chan was gonna go back home with hansol, who he lived with, but seungkwan offered to take him home himself (hansol gave him his car keys and said he’ll just go home with joshua and seokmin since they all lived in the same apartment complex).
chan accepted the ride and they parted ways with the group, who threw encouraging words to ease his tension.
“so, where are you taking me, hyung?” chan asked as he made himself comfort in the car. “hm.. how about the park?”
“hyung, i’m not a kid anymore.” chan quipped. seungkwan side eyed the maknae, “i can literally drop you off on the side of the rode and drive away full speed without looking back-“
“kidding!”
either way, seungkwan was lying, again.
the car ride was comfortable. chan sang along to the radio and jokingly grabbed seungkwan’s hand during a love song, causing the older to laugh. shortly after the song was over, chan let go and soon, seungkwan’s hand felt cold. he tried not to mind, although he did wish that chan could hold his hand forever.
“hyung~ are we almost there? i can’t stand being in the same car as you for more than five minutes~” chan whined. seungkwan knew he was lying. “we’re literally here, calm down, channie.”
they walked through the park, talking about their day and upcoming plans. “are we still on for movie night next week at yours and jeonghan-hyungs?” chan asked, kicking the ground as he walked, not seeming to care if his shoes got dirty or ruined.
“if you’re still free, yeah. it’s your turn to choose the movie— just don’t choose 20th century girl again, please. it’s a masterpiece, but we watch it literally every single time it’s your turn to choose.” seungkwan pretended to complain. chan gasped, “wow. i see how it is. fine.”
they continued to banter for a bit before they fell in complete, comfortable silence on the swing set. seungkwan stared at the ground for a bit before speaking up.
“channie, can i admit something?” seungkwan finally asks. chan turns to look at him and seungkwan feels like the air had been punched out of his lungs.
chan’s brown hair fell perfectly on his face and his head was tilted ever so slightly. the younger wore the denim jacket seungkwan got him as a last minute birthday present along with a plain black wife-beater underneath along with sweats.
in other words— he looked perfect.
seungkwan collected himself and looked back at the ground, “i.. uhm..”
“hyung..?”
“i like you— no, love you, channie. ever since high school. words can’t really explain how much i love you. i love seeing you everyday. i love seeing how dedicated you are with dancing. i love the way you’re always so happy. i just love you, channie. i really do. and i’m sorry i’m dumping this all on you right now, but i needed to say it.” seungkwan blurted out.
there was silence for a while, probably chan processing everything seungkwan just confessed. seungkwan prayed that chan would respond and (possibly) accept his confession.
this pleas were answered, but with a downside.
“hyung, i don’t like you. i only see you as a friend. nothing more.”
ah. there it was. seungkwan sucked in a shaky breath and smiled at chan, “i figured.”
chan’s eyes turned into guilty ones at the sight of seungkwan, “i’m sorry.”
“it’s alright, chan. let’s just get you back home.”
the car ride was silent and a little awkward. seungkwan blurted out his feelings, and chan rejected him. at least it’s better than seungkwan waiting last minute and getting heart broken if chan got a partner before hand.
chan stared out the window while seungkwan kept his eyes on the road, his right hand glued to the steering. he could feel chan’s eyes glance over at him every once in a while, but seungkwan tried not to acknowledge it.
seungkwan may seem disappointed, but he was heartbroken. maybe it was chan’s words that stung the most.
hyung, i don’t like you. i only see you as a friend. nothing more.
seungkwan wanted nothing more than to jump into bed and bawl his eyes out once he got back to his apartment.
the walk up to chan’s apartment was silent as well. it wasn’t until they made it to chan’s front door did they exchange words.
“i’ll see you tomorrow, chan. let’s just act like nothing happened, alright?” seungkwan asked. chan looked at him with pity in his eyes but nodded nonetheless.
as seungkwan slowly ascended up the stairs to his apartment, chan said something.
“i’m sorry, hyung.”
seungkwan turned around and smiled, “goodnight, chan.”
he was quick to turn back around and continue up the staircase, not looking back to watch chan enter his apartment like usual.
seungkwan closed the door behind him as quietly as possible as he entered his apartment and tried to collect all of his feelings at the door to save it for when he got to his room or the shower. however, before he could even turn to his room, he made eye contact with seungcheol and jeonghan, who just so happened to be cuddled up on the couch together, watching a movie.
“hey, how did it go?” seungcheol asked, expecting seungkwan to smile and go tell them his success on confessing to chan— but oh, were they so wrong.
seungkwan stared at the floor and the couple was quick to catch on.
“oh, kwannie..” jeonghan got up to meet seungkwan who began to rub his eyes. jeonghan led seungkwan to the couch to sit in between him and seungcheol, who began to pat the youngers hair.
“do you want to tell us what happened or do you want to wait a little?” seungcheol asked as seungkwan rested his head on jeonghan’s shoulder, who tried to calm him down.
“let’s just give him a second..” jeonghan suggested.
seungcheol and jeonghan were literal saints (jeonghan isn’t at times—). they waited for about ten minutes in silence before seungkwan finally spoke up.
“he just said he didn’t like me and only saw me as a friend. that’s all..” seungkwan mumbled.
“aw.. kwannie, i’m sorry..” jeonghan apologized for no reason. it wasn’t his fault. it was seungkwan’s for getting his hopes up.
“there’s other people out there.” seungkwan knew seungcheol was trying to encourage him, but how could seungkwan find someone better— let alone someone who is even equivalent to chan?
“thanks.. but right now i just want to shower and go to sleep..” seungkwan explained. “of course. and if you need anything, we’ll be here, alright?” jeonghan comforted seungkwan by giving him a small hug before the younger got up and thanks them again.
“go take your shower and rest up.” seungcheol smiled.
—
chan walked into his apartment in silence. he stared at the door for a few seconds before turning to see hansol, mingyu, and minghao in the kitchen. hansol looked unfazed while mingyu locked him into a back hug with his head on the younger’s shoulder while minghao smiled fondly at his two boyfriends.
great, the boyfriends are here and they might just see me have a fucking mental breakdown. chan thought. but then again, chan needed help.
chan silently made his way to the kitchen where the they quickly acknowledged the maknae.
“hey, you’re here earlier than we thought!” mingyu exclaimed. chan sat down and shrugged, “i guess.”
“is something wrong, chan?” minghao asked, sipping on his tea that still had steam rising from the cup.
“seungkwan-hyung confessed to me.” chan admitted. “oh, really? i didn’t thjnk he’d actually do it tonight.”
chan looked up, “you knew he liked me?”
“everyone did.” mingyu admitted. “it was pretty obvious. why? did you accept his confession?”
“i.. no..” minghao nearly choked on his tea while mingyu and hansol looked astonished. “you didn’t?”
“i freaked out! i didn’t mean to say what i said, i swear!-“ chan exclaimed and minghao held a hand up, “explain.”
“seungkwan-hyung confessed to me and i said, and i quite, “hyung, i don’t like you. i only see you as a friend. nothing more.” after i realized what i said, i tried to take it back, saying i was joking and i did actually like him back, but he beat me to it, saying “i figured.” now i feel like a dick because i didn’t get to tell him the truth!” chan ranted, hiding in the palm of his hands.
the silence was short lived compared to chan’s agonizing silence with seungkwan on the way back honey. “woah.” was all hansol said.
“what do i do?!” chan whined, close to tears. mingyu had detached himself from hansol and went to the fridge, looking for some milk to warm up for chan. minghao rubbed his hand on the maknae’s back in small circles to comfort him.
“maybe talk to him tomorrow about it? seungkwan will understand.” minghao suggested. chan knew better though. seungkwan was gonna try and act like nothing happened tomorrow in attempt to show chan that it didn’t hurt him— but in reality, everyone knows it did.
“… do you think seungkwan-hyung hare me now..?” chan asked, laying his head down on the kitchen island. the trio turned to look at chan. “oh, chan, he could never hate you. seungkwan would do anything for you as long as you were happy.” minghao continued to rub chan’s back. chan looked up, “really?”
“yeah, have you seen him? the orange juice he gave you today wasn’t a freebie. he bought it for you cause he knew you wanted to try it.” hansol commented. “oh yeah, and that time you asked him to join you in the dance studio because you wanted to try one-on-one dancing, he was in the middle of a project due that night. yet, he still put his laptop down to make you happy.” mingyu added.
chan blinked a few times and stared at the counter. “i’m.. a terrible person.”
“you’re not terrible, just a little slow.” minghao stated, causing chan to glare at him.
“alright, alright, well you can try to fix it tomorrow, but for now, drink this.” mingyu slid a cup of warm milk in front of chan. “drink up, shower, then go to bed without worrying about what seungkwan, got it?”
chan hesitated before nodding, taking the warm cup in his hands.
tomorrow.
—
seungkwan sat down at his usual seat in the lecture hall, taking out materials such as his laptop, notebook, and pen when he saw from his peripheral that someone sat next to him— yunho.
“hey~”
“hi, yunho.”
“aww, what’s got you down in the dumps like this seungkwan-ah? didn’t get your coffee fix?” yunho asked, leaning in closer to tease seungkwan.
yunho was a flirt. everyone knew it. everyone saw it. but you’d expect him to be flirting with any and every individual, but he just did with seungkwan. no one else. girls around university have tried and tried to ask yunho out, but to no avail.
seungkwan didn’t know why yunho took particular interest in him. he didn’t question it either despite his curiosity.
“maybe i didn’t. why? you gonna buy me an iced coffee?” seungkwan challenged. he didn’t expect a still cold, cup of iced coffee be placed in front of him with the straw still in its paper wrapping.
seungkwan turned to look at yunho, who only smiled at him, “i figured you didn’t buy yourself one, so i grabbed one on my way out of the convenience store.”
“ah, well thank you, yunho. that was sweet of you.” seungkwan smiled.
throughout the lesson, yunho would help seungkwan with any problems or questions he had, causing seungkwan to wonder even more what his intentions were.
“i have a feeling you want something from me..” seungkwan pointed out. yunho gasped in a joking manner, “what? noo, what could i possibly want from you, boo?”
“ew, don’t call me that.” seungkwan rolled his eyes.
silence fell upon them for a few seconds before yunho spoke, “let me take you out to lunch-“
“no.”
“oh, come on~ i’ll make it worth your while~”
before seungkwan could respond, his phone buzzed— it was seungcheol. yunho tried to speak but was interrupted by seungkwan putting up a finger to his lips, “hello? hyung?”
“seungkwan-ah, are you in class right now?” seungcheol sounded like he was out of breath, causing seungkwan to worry.
“uh.. yeah? why? what’s wrong? did something happen?” seungkwan asked, beginning to pack his things together— yunho did as well for some reason.
“it’s chan.”
seungkwan froze, “… what about him..?”
“he got into an accident a few minutes ago and is being rushed to the hospital right now.”
what the fuck.
—
chan was a careful person. he always looked left and right before crossing the street, never wore both airpods when walking alone, and was always on alert.
so how in the hell did he not see that car speeding towards him when crossing the street?
maybe it was speeding and didn’t see him.
maybe they were under the influence.
maybe they thought they could beat the red light and turn without getting a ticket.
who knows. chan couldn’t tell you. not in this state either.
screams could be heard all around him as the car finally skidded to a halt about twenty feet away from his body. bystanders were quick to phone 112 and somehow, seungcheol and jeonghan were there. they were quick to rush to his side and try to talk him back into consciousness.
everything was blurry, chan could only see blobs of color that seemed to be seungcheol and jeonghan.
chan, however, felt tears well up at the corner of his eyes as he tried to cling to jeonghan’s jacket while seungcheol tried to call someone on his phone; maybe his parents.
chan doesn’t know how long it’s been, but the ambulance was quick to get there and pull him onto the gurney. he soon lost consciousness once the valve mask was on his face.
the last thing he thought before he saw all black was seungkwan.
i’m really sorry, seungkwan-hyung.
—
seungkwan couldn’t believe his eyes. he was panting at he finally found his way to chan’s hospital room.
yunho had took him to the hospital when seungkwan told him what happened, but traffic was a bitch, so it took a while longer than expected. by the time he got there, chan’s surgery was finished and everyone was in the huge room, just observing the maknae.
“seungkwan-ah..” jun spoke up when he arrived.
no words came out of seungkwan’s mouth. he just walked towards chan and stared at his sleeping body.
“they said he’s in a coma right now. the car hit him so quickly—“ jeonghan put a hand on seungcheol’s shoulder to tell him to stop and let him process. he took the hint.
“here, seungkwan, sit.” wonwoo, who is working as an intern at the hospital slid a chair behind seungkwan and gently pushed him down to sit as he noticed his legs were probably gonna let out any second now.
yunho stood by the door, questioning if he should come in or not— jisoo gestured for him to come in.
seungkwan just sat there, staring at chan. bandages were all over his face, neck, and arms.
as seungkwan stared blankly at chan, wonwoo began to tell everyone what surgeries had to be done and his state.
“. . . luckily, he didn’t have any internal bleeding, but they did have to go in and stabilize some bone fractures in his left arm since he landed on it when he was hit. he’s gonna be unconscious for a while, which is normal, probably a few weeks to a month. after he wakes up, chan will do some physical therapy to get him back to normal. but besides that, everyone is free to visit since there are no major hazards.” wonwoo finishes off, putting his clipboard down.
seungkwan felt everyones eyes on him, but all he did was stay quiet, and stare.
“give him some time, seungkwan. don’t worry, he’ll wake up soon.” wonwoo reassured him, rubbing his back.
seungkwan began to tear up.
fuck..
—
for the past two and a half weeks, right after lecture and/or spending a few hours at the daycare, seungkwan immediately goes to visit chan. he spends most of his time there now doing everything he could possibly do— working, taking time and writing out chan’s notes from his classes, taking care of chan, you name it, seungkwan does it.
whenever he gets back home around midnight, he does his homework, projects, and notes, which can keep him up until around four in the morning. at that time, he goes to sleep, then wakes up at six to repeat the process over again.
everyone wonders how he keeps it together and balances everything all at once. funny thing is, he doesn’t. it’s all an act. the scene isn’t over yet, but the moment he takes his final bow, is when everything crumbles down.
currently, seungkwan was sat next to chan, finishing chan’s notes for the day. it was only around five in the afternoon. wonwoo was there as well, but he was also busy working with other patients.
just when seungkwan finished the last bullet point, he heard shuffling. he paused and looked up to see chan slowly opening his eyes.
they made eye contact.
“chan-ah..?”
chan squinted at him, confused.
“who are you..?”