Chapter Text
“I don't want to do this anymore”
That was his journal entry. Akira was trying more positive coping skills. The reason is Ryuji Sakamoto, not that he had gotten caught doing less healthy coping skills. He adored that boy, and after Ryuji had confessed drunkenly that Akira was the reason he was still alive, he had to at least try. Ryuji knew he journalled, he was the only one, and not even he knew what was inside.
It was bad, like really concerning bad. It was mostly about how tired he was of depression, PTSD, anxiety and all his other problems. He was simply tired of living, he didn't want to die per say, just to not be aware of his existence, or to simply to not exist. He didn’t want to kill himself, he wasn’t suicidal, just simply didnt want to go anymore.
He was just tired of life.
Life, such an odd thing. Something so fragile. Something that’s been fought since the beginning. Something that someone should love, not dread. Life, it was a fight to keep going, to keep pushing forward, Akira didn't want to fight anymore, but he didn't want to die, or at least that's what he told himself.
He continued living though, for Ryuji. He didn't want to be anyone’s reason for suicide, let alone Ryuji’s. He wanted Ryuji to live, he wanted everything for Ryuji. He wanted him to be happy most of all, and if that meant he had to fight then so be it. He'd fight, for Ryuji. He’d fight to survive, in the metaverse or not.
—-
When Ryuji showed up at leblanc at 2:47 in the morning he wasn't surprised. What got him was the fact Ryuji was crying. Akira hated seeing him cry, all he wanted was to make sure that Ryuji never felt the despair to cry again. Akira wanted to protect Ryuji. He also wasn't surprised when he pulled out a bottle of whiskey, and drank without asking if it was ok. Akira didn't like that Ryuji was drinking to cope, but he had no room to talk. He hurt himself to cope, he smoked and put the cigarettes out on himself.
When he saw the bottle he immediately went to get a pack of cigarettes. When things went sour they had a routine. Ryuji brought the booze and Akira had cigarettes, they met at Leblanc and got drunk and smoked. They knew it wasn't healthy. They knew that if they got caught shit could go south. They didn't care, they barely wanted to be alive.
Eventually, after too many drinks and two or three cigarettes they started conversation. At first it was about nothing important, video games, manga, anime, anything but the problem at hand. Eventually, Akira spoke about the problem.
“Alright, we don't do this unless something’s wrong. Talk to me, please” Akira begged
“I just don't want to keep going, i’m tired of life” Ryuji responded, honestly
“I get that, i don't wanna keep going anymore either”
There was a pause, not because anyone said the wrong thing, but because Ryuji had an idea.
“What if we killed ourselves together” Ryuji stated, hesitantly
There was another pause, once again, not a negative one but instead one of wondering
“Let's do it, i’ve got enough pills lying around for both of us” Akira said, taking away Ryuji’s hesitation
And so they did. Akira located the pills, they finished the bottle of whiskey and smoked the rest of the cigarettes. They took two bottles of pills each, which should be enough, they agreed. They sat there talking, wondering what will happen next. Would they be together in the afterlife, that's what they hoped for. They wanted to be together, thats all they wanted.
Eventually they passed out, holding each other, waiting to not wake up.