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Never let them in.
It was a mistake that I had made over and over again.
Never make space for the temporary. Never make someone a priority that kept you as an option.
Never love again.
I said these words, the blood oozing through my fingers. Small crimson tributaries traced down my skin over the regretted wrist tattoo. A stamp from the past. A time that I had tried to be someone else. The cast off blood oxidizing on the ground. A small brown stain next to my naked ankle because socks and shoes are a sensory issue.
I dig deeper hoping to see the glint of bone beneath. To know that I was really here before I cast off my foreign skin and become whatever comes next.
I try to dig out the part of me that selflessly loved him. And for what?
Were there really that many memories inside? Most created in my brain. A reaching for anyone who would accept me as the world had let me drown in the harsh sea of lies all around. They were different names but somehow a reflection of the same face. Always slender, dark-haired, beautiful-eyed. A damaged angel trying to dig themselves out of their own dungeon hardly trying to stay afloat.
Kevin, Clint, Christopher, Jason, Matthew, Silas, James, Robert. It didn't matter what they were named, it all ended the same.
I loved them too much. Offered them the world. Tried to solve their issues with self-esteem, self-acceptance. Licked their wounds from past family traumas, childhood abuses. Showed them love.
Too much.
Let them drain me. Devour me in the night through tedious sex and moral support. They made me their mother.
I got them to where they didn't need me.
Then they left.
Nicholas, Justin, Steven, Derek.
I dug deeper because I knew part of them were still all in there. In these flabby skins that aged although they always seemed to stay the same. I got to fat, too ugly, too, old, too used up for their needs. Then they walked away. Restored to their pristine state before they were hurt. Rehabilitated by my love so they could go on to love someone else.
And I stay the same.
Alone.
Unloved.
Forgotten.
Maybe as the mosaic of my blood paints the picture, casts the final spell. Someone will remember.
Someone will believe that I am worthy.
That I won't be used up.
Jared, Jesse, Joshua. Timothy, Tristan, Tony.
Just once I wanted someone to awake and be the first thought in their mind. The first text message they sent. The first phone call they made. The first social media account they checked.
Instead the day wore on waiting for him to talk to me. It took several of my own messages until finally a "Hey love" "I missed you Babe" "How are you Sweetheart". A "I have been waiting for you" a "I was just about to call you". Because no you weren't. None of you ever were.
You talk to other women online. You were always looking for the upgrade in the background while accepting my presents.
Eric, Enrique, Elliot. Emmett, Everest, Eli. Ethan, Eddie, Elias.
Porter, Payton, Patrick. Psalm, Peter, Pranav.
And I let myself drain.
The red stains on the sidewalk. The tear in my heart.
The absence in the world where I leave unnoticed. Unappreciated. Unloved.
Three pm in your time zone and I last heard from you at six pm eastern standard time. But you will be sure to show up when you want me to see a picture of your dick and tell you how the girth is astonishing. How exquisite it tastes between my chapped lips. How I would run the length of the world to be at your side. Wherever it is you are is never too far Tampa, Chicago, Seattle. You just shake that thing at your webcam and summon me.
I will find a way to you.
And I hate myself because of you.
Aaron, Arjun, Austin. Aterus, Albert, Ares. Anakin, Ashton, Alejandro.
You are my unmaking.
When I finally unmask and you see all I am. What I have to offer you are gone. And you are the reason I am dying today.
Fuck you Winston, Wesley, Wren. Luis, Landon, Lucas. Zayne, Zachariah, Zander.
It is sad as I am fading. Checking one last time the messages to see if you even notice anything I have said to any of you.
I hope you enjoy the video.