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My son and his roommate are a couple. How do I let them know that it’s okay?
I have no fucking idea how to use this thing, but my partner often listens to podcasts while she’s cooking, especially those in which people read Reddit posts so I thought I might give this a go.
I (48M) have a son (21M). But I’ve only recently found out he is my real son and not just one of the scoundrels in the team I coach. I wasn’t even aware I had a son until he told me. Two years ago.
For the sake of convenience we’ll call my son K.
His mom and I were benefit friends (friends with benefits? something like that, I’m too old for this shit) when we were young, but it was never serious. Actually, our arrangement came to an end when I made it clear to her that I had feelings and I wanted to take things to the next step. But she was young and wild and free and still had too many dreams to achieve to get saddled by me. And I was okay with that. She left, we remained friends. Needless to say, I was quite surprised when, months later, I found out that she was pregnant. But the thought that the kid could be mine never even crossed my mind. Like I said, she was young and wild and free and we were not exclusive. To be honest, she had started hanging out with another friend of hers who was helping her take her project overseas and I thought he was the father.
Anyway, as the years passed, she grew more and more popular, moved to another country, and we lost touch. It’s only through the news that I found out she had died in a horrific car crash. Her son (K) was left in the care of the friend I thought was the father.
I won’t discuss details because that’s not my story to tell, but when K was19 he revealed to me that he was being abused and I did my best to get him to a safe place. The problem is that I had no clue K was my son, I thought I was just doing something nice for a kid who was in a shitty situation and also happened to be the offspring of a dear late friend. You can imagine the shock when K revealed to me that I was indeed his biological father. He showed me the letters in which his mother confessed that I was the father of her child and then everything clicked together. The moment he told me I couldn’t help but notice the similarities, the black wavy hair, the shape of his nose, the hands. K even offered me to do a paternity test if I didn’t believe him and it broke my heart that he thought II would leave him behind if he wasn’t my biological child.
It wasn't easy. It took months to break K out of his shell, to get him to trust me. It was no surprise considering that his mother had died when he was barely 7 and he’d been abused by the only father figure he’d ever known. As for me, I had spent most of my life knowing I wasn’t suited for fatherhood at all, I had baggage and issues of my own. It took me months to even wrap my head around the fact that I had a son. But I didn’t want him to suffer any more so I got myself sorted out and cleaned up. Again, I will not go into any details because it’s none of your business, but we’re doing okay.
In the past year K also started playing for my team and while I cannot say that it was a smooth transition, he is my greatest pride and joy. He’s everything a man could want his son to be, loyal, brave, focussed. I may not have had the chance to be around when he was a child, but I was bestowed with the honor of watching him become a man. There is nothing he could do to make me love him less.
And that’s the reason I’m here writing on this stupid website.
There’s nothing he could do to make me love him less, but I don’t know how to tell him.
He’s doing well, he’s a good student, always getting top grades, he’s the best at the sport that he plays. So when he asked me if he could go live in an apartment off-campus with a friend I couldn’t say no. I thought that learning to live in a different environment might do him some good. Besides, he's only a 20-minute drive from my place and he knows he can call me whenever he wants.
Now it’s winter break and my son moved back in with my partner and I to celebrate Christmas. K asked if his friend/roommate could come over as well and I said yes. Besides, my partner always cooks enough food to feed a small army and I can’t deny that I was happy to have my son back for a while.
K and his friend have been at mine for about a week now.
See, my point is that I’ve always suspected that the “friend” was a bit more than “just a friend”.
From now on we shall call “the friend” A.
First of all, I unfortunately know A very well because he’s one of the athletes I coach. K and A are teammates as well as roommates. And A trusts no-fucking-body. Saying that he’s been through a lot in his life would be the understatement of the year so I get why he doesn’t let anyone come near to him, neither emotionally nor physically. He wears knives on him, for fuck’s sake. And yet he gets along with K. I was surprised at first because I distinctly remember their shouting matches when they first met, but then A slowly but steadily started mellowing out around K (A would probably put a knife between my ribs if he found out that I described him as anything close to “mellow”).
Obviously, I already knew that K and A must care for each other, they chose to live together after all. The thing is: A normally doesn’t let anyone touch him with a ten feet pole. But my son is always within a 1-2 feet radius of him. Worse. I’ve caught K touching A without any sort of adverse reaction from A. The last time I inadvertently touched A when he wasn’t expecting it, I got a punch in my guts. And A doesn’t even blink twice when K casually touches him.
Then there’s the fact that the A has a family. I mean, it’s not my place to discuss his relationships, but that fucking midget has a twin brother for fuck’s sake. And a cousin. And he’s fiercely protective of them, he won’t even let them go to the toilet alone. The fact that he ditched his family to stay with K even during the holidays speaks volumes.
And finally, K is prone to panic attacks. He started having them while he lived with his old guardian. He resorted to alcohol when it happened. It took him a lot of work to get everything under control, but he still has the occasional panic attack when he gets overly-stimulated by a situation. The other night I caught A in the kitchen helping K calm down after a panic attack. He was standing between K’s legs and counting slowly to help him focus on his breathing. You might think that this is a normal friendly behavior but my son has never let anyone else but me see him in moments like those, let alone help him. Plus, A has completely stopped drinking since he started living with K and, believe me, he was nothing short of an alcoholic before he met my son.
I’m fully aware that this might seem like nothing more than friendship to some of you, but I have reasons to believe it’s more than meets the eye. What I want advice on is: how do I let my son know that I’m okay with him being gay (or bi or pan or whatever)? And that I’m okay with him dating A? I want him to know that I support him no matter what and that he can come out to me. What should I do? Should I be direct and ask him (them?) or should I wait for him to tell me himself when he’s ready?
What do you think is the best course of action?