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Zelda sighed deeply, looking out the window. Lookout Landing was bustling, as usual. The new Sages were all being their usual gregarious selves– Yunobo working with Hudson on construction details, Tulin showing off his archery skills, Riju terrifying all of the guards with her lightning powers, and Sidon, somehow, drawing a massive amount of female attention. What IS it with Zora that Hylians like so much? Zelda thought grumpily. They’re fish people! The breasted Zora don’t even have real boobs– they’re cartilage! They’re HARD!
Zelda dropped her head down on her crossed arms. She was under quarantine, thanks to the whole “Spending the last however-many-thousand years as a dopey-looking dragon” situation she’d brought on herself, with Purah, Robbie, and Josha running a barrage of tests on her day after day. What was worse, they were keeping her away from Link– and that was becoming a major problem. I don’t want to be a wanton woman, but I want him SO DAMN BAD right now! I could dry-hump a hole in the wall! She groaned. Her libido was acting up again. Maybe she could convince Link to sneak in to offer her a bit of relief. Where was Link, anyway? She looked out the window again.
Link stood around a semicircle of cooking pots, wearing an apron, a tall chef’s hat, and wielding a ladle as though it was the Master Sword. “You have five minutes remaining! You should be preparing to finalize your plates!” He barked, fiercer than the drill sergeant standing a few yards away. “If you need to refire anything, it should be something that cooks fast!” He whirled over to a Rito who already had their food plated. “And you! You have time remaining! Are you completely sure your food is perfect?”
“Yep! Give it a try!” The Rito held out their dish. Link took it, poking at the food with a fork. “How about it?”
“The pork’s RAW!” Link snarled, slamming the plate down. “You can’t serve this to people, you’ll kill someone! DONKEY!” The Rito winced, but stood upright. “ONE POINT, NO MORE, AND YOU NEVER SERVE UNDERCOOKED FOOD AGAIN, AM I CLEAR?!”
“Yes, chef!” The Rito squawked, straightening their back.
“He seems angrier than he was when he thought Zelda was stuck as a dragon forever.” Tulin muttered, watching Link march back and forth, barking insults and orders at the chefs. “What gives?”
“It’s how his teacher taught him, so I guess he just… mimics that technique.” Impa said with a shrug. “He IS a student of the Legendary Chef, Goron Ramsay.” She chuckled. “Link’s a LOT less foul mouthed than ol’ Ramsay was, though.” She did a double take as a tremendous string of profanity issued forth from Link. “Woah, never mind. Those are some epithets even I didn’t know!” She grinned, writing them down. “Oh, these are gold!”
Zelda smiled lovingly, watching Link bring a trained soldier to tears. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have him use that sharp tongue on me… She chuckled darkly, having long since come to peace with her filthy, perverted inner monologue. The fact that she and Link were in a committed relationship helped, too, of course. I wonder if I can get him to rip this dress in half. I’m sure he’s just as pent up as I am. Zelda paused, thinking for a moment. Wait, how long HAS it been for him? It was six months for me, but I’ve completely forgotten what day it was when we left for Hyrule Castle. No one looks too much older, so it can’t have been THAT long, right? She knocked on the door. “Purah? I have a question.”
Purah bounded inside, medical kit at the ready. “Yes, Princess? Are you feeling odd? Dehydrated? Over-hydrated? Do you have an excess of blood? I can solve that!” She produced a huge needle, grinning madly.
“No! No more blood draws! You have enough for an entire extra princess at this point!” Zelda cried out, putting up an instinctive shield of light. “I was just wondering how long the Upheaval lasted– I’ve lost track of time.”
“That’s ironic, considering that you’re the Sage of Time, but okay. It lasted seven months and sixteen days.” Purah declared. “Link’s been very busy.”
“I’m sure he has.” Zelda muttered, her attention drawn back outside to ogle Link some more. I swear his muscles are more defined now. He definitely has a few new scars. What I would give to lick the sweat off of them right now…
“Princess?” Purah said, interrupting Zelda’s reverie. “Are you alright? You appear to be salivating.”
“That, dearest Purah… is because I AM!” Zelda snapped, a bright flash pushing Purah back slightly. “I have been in this Hylia-damned room for THREE DAYS now, undergoing a barrage of pokes, prods, blood-draining, and at least one case of ROBBIE of all people watching me relieve myself for reasons no one has been able to adequately explain! All the while I’ve been forced to watch the revelry going on outside– and I haven’t had more than a few moments alone with my paramour!” Zelda turned back to the window, propping her face on her hands again. “And WHY is that?”
“Well, we’ve needed to make sure you don’t have any diseases or other infections picked up over your time in the past… or the sky… or when you fell head first into a disgusting pond.” Purah pulled out a clipboard. “And it’s a good thing we checked, too! You actually HAVE contracted an infection that seemingly survived two divine transformations– and it’s a nasty one, too.”
Zelda’s ears went from laying sideways to sticking straight up. “I WHAT?!” She dashed over to Purah, pausing to cough on Robbie out of spite. “Let me see!”
“Easy, easy. The good news is Mineru helped us make a cure– you’ll be fine, I’ve already laced your food with it without your consent. The BAD news is that for the next two weeks, you absolutely, positively, CANNOT engage in any sexual acts with another person, or you’ll probably be left infertile.” Purah flipped through a couple pages. “Mineru said it was usually contracted from eating an otherwise inedible plant, but you were eating royally cooked meals. Did you ever run into a wood-egg? Cut yourself on it or something?”
Zelda blanched. She knew what a wood-egg was. It was a very… appealingly shaped plant, not unlike a zucchini, that grew on the great plateau in the past. One that she, perhaps, had… experimented with during long and lonely nights. The words “Microabrasion” and “unsanitized surface” shot immediately to her mind. Well. She thought, glumly. Shit. That’s what I get for playing around with a wood-egg and that DELIGHTFUL vibration device. She sighed gloomily. I should have just stuck with good old Ultrahand.
“Okay… okay… okay…” Zelda took several deep breaths, punched a hole in the wall, and took several MORE deep breaths. “What counts as sexual acts with another person?”
“Contact between your privates- any part of them.” Purah said flatly. “And you’re paying for that wall.”
“So… if I touch HIM…” Zelda’s eyes twinkled a bit.
“There’s a sixty percent chance he’ll pick up the infection himself if there's fluid exchange. You two really shouldn’t even kiss.” Purah sighed. “Anything more lewd than holding hands is off the table. No–” Purah rattled off an impressive array of sexual techniques, many of which Zelda had never even heard of.
What in Din’s name is a Goron Rocker and why do I want to try it? Or a reverse Sheikah slam?
“... DEFINITELY no Slippery Zora Surprises, no Rito Roosting– regular, reverse, OR Revali style– nothing from the Gerudo Hot Spring Handbook. Don’t you DARE try a Daruk Slam, Urbosa Twist, Mipha’s Grace, and ESPECIALLY no Sunshine Smooches. No one escapes a Sunshine Smooch unscathed anyway.” Purah paused to pray for the hundreds of souls lost to an ill-executed Sunshine Smooch last summer.
Aww, but Link LOVES it when I give him an Urbosa Twist! Even though he can’t walk afterwards! “Trust me, Purah, even LINK’s not suicidal enough to try a Sunshine Smooch. I hope.” Zelda paused for a moment. “Have you told him about this yet?”
“Why do you think he’s so pissed off?” Purah laughed evilly. “Have you ever seen him cry out of pure frustration? I have now!”
“YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD?!” Link roared from below at one of his hapless chef trainees. “MY DOMINANT HAND ROTTED OFF, WAS REPLACED WITH A GOAT DRAGON HAND THAT WAS POSSESSED BY GHOSTS SO I COULDN’T USE IT FOR ANYTHING BUT FIGHTING, AND NOW THAT I HAVE MINE BACK I CAN’T TOUCH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR TWO WEEKS! GO CLEAN THE KITCHEN! DONKEY!”
“Possessed by ghosts?” Zelda asked, confused. “Was he haunted? Again?”
Purah grinned. “Nah, the sages could project avatars from rings on the hand, and they could see and hear everything the avatars did.” She laughed, remembering a funny story. “Oh man, Sidon told me about this time Link ate some bad food, and–”
Inside Zelda’s Mind
Id stared out in horror. Ego and Superego were equally flummoxed. “Guys? We don’t want to hear this… like, EVER.”
“Agreed.” Ego nodded. “How do we escape, though? Purah’s blocking the door.”
“Um…” Superego paced back and forth. “Can we fake eating the Secret Stone again?”
“NO! We are not doing ANYTHING with that stone ever again! Do you know how BORING that was? While YOU assholes got to take a nap, I had to run things for I don’t even know how long, and dragons don’t DO anything!” Id reached over and smacked Superego upside the head. “But I have an idea.”
“Is it a good idea?” Ego asked.
“Is it better that we hear about Link crapping himself while we’re this keyed up?” Id countered. “I’m pretty sure that’s how fetishes get made, and we have PLENTY of those already.”
“Fair enough. Do as you must.” Ego acquiesced. “Just save us from this horror.”
Amidst a crash of shattering glass, Zelda leapt out the window.
“So…” Zelda mumbled, clasping her hands in her lap as she tried to shrink into herself, “You heard.”
“I did.” Link sighed, sitting next to her. “And I understand. You were trapped in the past, you were lonely, you didn’t think you were ever going to get back, and you didn’t have the Upheaval to distract you. It’s alright.” He heaved a sigh. “Just… tell me– was he another guard or what?”
Zelda blinked for a few moments before figuring out where Link’s thought process had gone. “‘He’ was a plant and a delightful Zonai contraption that made it vibrate.” She leaned her head against his shoulder. “As if I’d find comfort in another man’s arms. Really, Link!”
“I dunno! If I was gone, I’d want you to be happy!” Link protested. “And being separated by thousands and thousands of years with no obvious way back is a pretty major thing!”
Zelda smiled, placing her hand on Link’s own. “For normal people, it is. For us, though? I never had any doubt that we’d find a way back to each other.”
Link leaned his head against Zelda’s, sighing in relief. “Was the plant better than me?”
“Shut up, Link.” Zelda giggled, kissing Link’s cheek.
Link laughed, pulling her into a one armed hug. “That’s not a no…”
Zelda hugged Link back, devolving into a giggle fit. “Well, the plant was cold and clammy, had a rough texture and barely got me past the finish line before it disintegrated, leaving me with a very embarrassing clean up and a blood infection. On the other hand, you don’t vibrate, so…” She shrugged. “I’d say you tied.”
“Give me a few voltfruits and I’ll vibrate.” Link smirked. “In two weeks.”
Zelda flopped back on the ground, staring up at the sky. “Ugh, don’t remind me! Two weeks where we can’t even kiss each other on the lips! It was bad enough when you weren’t around, but now…”
Link mirrored her position. “I know, right? There’s so much I want to do with you, but we’ve got infection-enforced chastity…”
“I regret using that wood-egg, let me tell you.” Zelda sighed. “I just missed you so much…” And I missed your pelvis in particular…
“Let me guess– and you missed my pelvis in particular, huh?” Link chuckled. “I think I’ve gotten a good handle on how your mind works.”
Zelda giggled despite herself. “Yeah, you got me. I can’t help it– my libido never quite evened out after the Calamity.”
Link paused, thinking to himself. “Well, there are a few things we could try that don’t involve…” he made several extremely descriptive hand gestures. “What about an Urbosa Twist?”
“Purah specifically said no to that. Also no Mipha’s Grace and no reverse Sheikah Slams.” Zelda sighed. “Which is a shame, because I wanted to find out what that is.” She idly played with her Zonai earrings, sighing deeply.
“Oh, hey, you got your ears pierced? I thought your ears were… ya know… a fun place to touch for you.” Link tilted his head slightly.
“Oh! Well, they are, but…” Zelda chuckled awkwardly. “You see…”
An Awfully Long Time Ago
“Alright, Zelda. Are you sure? We do have clip-ons.” Sonia asked, holding a heated needle and a potato, ready to pierce Zelda’s ears.
“I’m sure. I want to blend in, and my ears are very sensitive, so I think piercing them would be less distracting than having things clipped to them.” Zelda took a deep breath. “Ready when you are.”
“Well, all right.” Sonia leaned in a bit closer, brushing Zelda’s ears lightly with the needle.
“AhhhHHHHHnnnn~” Zelda loosed a tremendous moan and collapsed bonelessly to the ground, twitching slightly with a big smile on her face.
“Are… are you all right, Zelda?” Sonia asked, alarmed. “I’ve never heard anyone make that sort of noise before! Well, maybe Rauru, but he makes more of a ‘baa’.”
“Baa~” Zelda muttered from the floor, giggling lightly. “I think it might be better if you numb my ears first, actually… and if you run a bath…”
“Ah, I see…” Sonia nodded. “Rauru’s third eye is the same way.”
Zelda just giggled, her mind still in a haze.
“So, yeah… it took a few attempts to AHN~” Zelda twitched as Link ran a fingertip across the point of her ear. “We’re not going to survive two weeks at all, are we?”
Link shook his head. “At this point, I’m not sure we’re going to survive two MINUTES.”
Day 1
Zelda woke up, took her medicine, looked over in the bed at Link, and cursed. Loudly. Stupid sexy hero whose bones I can’t jump for another two weeks! How DARE he be so hot?! She grumbled to herself, running a bath. This is CLEARLY divine punishment. It HAS to be! Hylia, I’m SORRY I almost ended your bloodline forever in a last ditch effort to beat up Rehydrated Ganondorf! I didn’t see many other ways!
The bath gurgled disapprovingly at her. Don’t you judge me, inanimate pool of heated water! Zelda glowered. I did what I had– oh goddesses, it's been less than a day and I’m already arguing with a bathtub. Okay. Steady, Zellie, steady. You can weather this. You survived a hundred years alone with the calamity, you can survive two sexless weeks alone with your boyfriend. We can play a game! Like… uh… um… oh no, the only thing I can think of is chess. If we’re that desperate for something to distract us, we’re SCREWED. She snapped back to reality as the water hit her knees. “Oh wow, this fills up fast… and the room is surprisingly watertight! I should research what kind of sealant he usglglrglg…”
Repairing the eventual water damage to the house took four enthralling hours. Link made a point of adjusting the Zonai hydrant he was using to output less water per second, agreeing that the ability to fill a room to the brim within two minutes may have been a bit much.
Day 3
Zelda looked up from breakfast. “You know, you don’t have to… deny yourself on my account.” She wiggled her hand a bit in the air to show that she was speaking of something lewd, one of her traits Link found adorable. “I mean, I’m certainly not– ever since I flooded the bathroom, anyway.”
Link dropped his head, breaking eye contact. “Guys are wired a bit differently. We have more of a basin, rather than a reservoir. Besides, you can do that FAIRLY stealthily, whereas when I ‘polish my broadsword’, it’s kinda messy.”
“Fair, fair…” Zelda leaned forward, her eyes gleaming dangerously. “But what if I WANT to watch?”
Day 3, Two Hours Later
“Well, I’m going to go home and DIE.” Link muttered, carrying the citation for public indecency in one hand. “How was I to know the Stable Trotters were going to hold a concert RIGHT THERE? I’ve been busy saving the world!”
Zelda shuffled along beside him, clutching her own citation. “I can’t believe they gave me one, too…” She sighed. “I didn’t even have MY pants off– just my hands down them!”
“Let’s never do this again.” Link said.
“Let’s do this again tomorrow, somewhere even MORE populated.” Zelda said, her eyes gleaming. “I LIKED that.”
Link sighed deeply, making a note to go mining for diamonds again. They’d need it for all the fines they were doubtlessly about to incur.
Day 4
Purah looked into a microscope, hemming and hawing over what moderately-unethical experiment to run, when she was interrupted by her door being kicked open.
“PURAH.” Zelda yelled, grabbing her friend by the collar, “How about BATHS? Can we take BATHS together? Hot water! Soap! Disinfectant! Surely THAT has to be healthy! Surely THAT will let us touch each other!”
“Nope. The bacteria survives water, is unaffected by heat, and is resistant to any soaps I’ve tried. You two will have to take separate baths. Frankly, Linky’s lucky he didn’t pick it up when you fell into the pond together.” She laughed at her own unintentional wordplay. “Heh. Lucky Linky. But seriously, you shouldn’t be pushing it– any ‘activity’ could render you infertile.”
Zelda groaned, leaning against the wall. “But he can still touch me, right? Just no contact between orifices?” Her voice was almost whining. “PLEASE, Purah! Tell me we can do SOMETHING! We’re afraid to do more than hold hands!”
Purah’s mouth fell open. “Wow. You’re… uh… you’re kind of desperate, huh?”
Zelda grabbed Purah by her collar, pulling her face to face with an almost beastlike growl. “Purah, words CANNOT describe how sexually frustrated I am right now. I may not remember my time as a dragon, but some part of me feels it, and it is SCREAMING AT ME right now! It’s WORSE than when I was in the past, because Link is RIGHT HERE, and I can’t DO ANYTHING with him! So PLEASE, tell me what’s safe, because at this point I’m seriously considering rolling the dice!” She let go of Purah reluctantly, a feral gleam obvious in her eyes.
“Okay, okay! I’ll grab you a list of acceptable activities… yeesh, I would have thought Linky would be the wanton one…” Purah muttered, grabbing some papers as the door was once again kicked open.
Link charged into the room, not even seeing Zelda standing there as he hoisted Purah off the ground. “PURAH. GIVE ME SOMETHING SO I CAN KISS ZELDA!” He started shaking her like a rag doll as he continued. “PLEASE LET ME KISS MY ZELDAAAAAA”
Day 5
“…Knight to Rook 4. Check.” Zelda said, moving the wooden reproduction of a mounted guard.
“Why did I get Rhoam and you got Daphnes?” Link muttered, reluctantly moving the piece out of danger. “You’re Rhoam’s daughter.”
“Because I’d want to throw the game if I was playing with his side.” Zelda answered, moving the reproduction of the ancient queen Samara down a few rows. “Checkmate.”
“That’s twenty games for you, and, somehow, twenty for me.” Link muttered, making a tally mark on a piece of paper. “How long until Purah has that inoculation ready for me?”
“Still two days, Link.” Zelda said. “Still two days.”
Link paused as he set up the board again. “You don’t suppose I could put myself in a coma…”
Zelda glared at him. “Oh no you don’t! If I don’t get to be put into a coma to ride this out, you don’t either!”
Day 6
Zelda smiled lightly as she assembled a Zonai contraption. Link might not have had access to Ultrahand anymore, but the lack of that was dealt with by a simple application of brute strength, glue, and a complete disregard for the very concept of safety.
“Miss Princess, will you really help me get to my friend?” The Korok asked, completely unable to right itself.
“Of course!” Zelda answered with a confident smile as Link strapped the Korok in. “I’ve run the numbers– this will launch you into the air with the rockets, and then when they run out, you’ll glide safely to your friend! Easy-peasy, voltfruit-squeezy!”
Sadly for all involved, the utterance of this playful phrase set Zelda’s mind running, and she remembered a certain time pre-upheaval when Link had said that exact phrase during a significantly less safe-for-Koroks moment. So it was that Zelda, with a goofy smile on her face, didn’t notice that she was leaning against one of the rockets, pushing it into a different angle.
“Miss Princess?” The Korok asked, confused. “You kinda trailed off and started giggling and drooling. Are you hungry?”
And thirsty. Zelda’s mind immediately replied. “Maybe a bit, but it’s okay! We’ll have lunch with you and your friend! What’s your name, little one?”
The Korok manifested a little confetti with a fanfare. “I’m Makar! Pleased to meet you!”
“Pleased to meet you as well, Makar! Are you ready?” Zelda asked, nodding to Link, who had a small hammer ready to strike the Zonai devices.
“Yeah! Here I come, Hollo!” Makar cheered.
Link struck the back of the glider, and he and Zelda watched in pride, then horror, as the device lifted off, then banked sharply right into a canyon wall and exploded, sending Makar flying off to parts unknown with a fearful “Ya-ha-ha!”, his tiny body vanishing from sight in moments.
Zelda clasped her hands to her mouth for several seconds, her eyes wide in shock, unable to speak. “… If anyone asks, that was your fault.” She said, her face bright red.
“If anyone asks, it’s going to be the Great Deku Tree, and I think he knows what we just did.” Link responded. “Oh well…” He sighed, crossing off the Great Hyrule Forest from a list of places he was allowed to go. “Wouldn’t be the FIRST deity we’ve enraged…”
Day 7
Link whimpered like a chastised puppy as Purah injected him with her hastily designed inoculation. “I hope you appreciate this, Linky. Do you know how hard it is to protect against bacterial infections? Mineru had to help with this, and designing it used up a lot of my supply of precious, precious Princess blood. Anyway, this should let you at LEAST kiss her for the next week– though genital contact is still off the table, you got that? Any foreign fluids can cause bad reactions– and Hylia would be REALLY angry if we cut the bloodline.”
“Y’know, Hylia incarnated like… thousands and thousands of years ago, and I know at least one Princess forsook the throne to marry her Hero. It stands to reason that Hylia’s bloodline is probably pretty well distributed by now, so we wouldn’t REALLY be putting the bloodline at risk…” Link pointed out, earning a smack to the head from both Purah and Zelda.
“Don’t use math and logic to prove everyone in Hyrule is related!” Purah yelled.
“And don’t volunteer to risk my womb like that! I want to have kids!” Zelda growled.
Ha! Jokes on them. I’m into this! Link thought as both angry women berated him.
Day 8
Zelda and Link sat together, watching the Zonai clock count slowly down. “Purah said twenty four hours after the initial inoculation, we can kiss, right?” Link asked, never taking his eyes off of the clock.
“Yes.” Zelda answered, barely remembering to blink. “So it’ll be another two hours.”
“And… if we take a chance and go right away…” Link trailed off, an obvious question in the air.
“We run the risk of more sickness enforced chastity.” Zelda responded. “We have to follow these rules to the letter, Link.”
Both Link and Zelda sighed, leaning forward on their hands, still watching the clock.
“One hour, fifty-nine minutes to go.” Link said, glumly. “Time HURTS.”
Day 8- One Hour, Fifty Nine Minutes, and Three Seconds Later
Zelda slammed Link into the wall, kissing him furiously and trying to work her tongue all the way down his throat as he did the same to her.
Oh Hylia, thank you for the amazing gift of inoculations… Zelda thought, moaning softly directly into Link’s mouth. And Din, please give me the willpower to avoid throwing him to the floor and mounting him right here and now.
FINALLY I GET TO KISS HER! Link thought, his last four active brain cells all struggling to keep him breathing. She tastes like lavender tea and ZELDA, and Zelda is my favorite taste! He barely even cared when his back hit the floor and his tunic came off. I never want to stop kissing her!
Day 9
“Oh goddesses, I’ve missed this so much…” Zelda mumbled, softly glowing. “I’m never going to leave your side again…”
“Zelda, I desperately need a drink of water and to go to the bathroom.” Link mewled. “Can you please untie me?” Link shifted uncomfortably. “Or at least flip me over so the blood doesn’t pool in my brain?”
“No.” Zelda grinned. “Not unless I can WATCH.”
Day 11
“I don’t get you, Linky. You were so eager to be able to kiss her, now you need me to hide you?” Purah asked, her arms crossed and flute tapping impatiently on her shoulder. “And you’re paying for the door you kicked off the hinges.”
“Purah, she’s become insatiable!” Link whimpered, hiding behind a bookcase. “Now that she can touch me, she barely lets me rest! And sure, I like it when she does that thing with her mouth, but–”
“There you are!” Zelda said, marching in and dragging Link away by his collar. “I let you out for five minutes to make some stamina potions, and you try to hide? Looks like someone wants to be tied to the bed again!”
Link shot Purah a look that mixed joy and despair in equal measures as Zelda dragged him away. “Only slightly…” The last Purah saw, he was mouthing the words “Remember me!”
Day 13
Link sat at the table, desperately drinking as much water as he could, as Zelda hummed a happy tune. “Making me some potions, con-tra-cep-tive! Making me some potions so we can have SEX!”
“Y’know, those lyrics are kinda on the nose.” Link suggested.
“Something ELSE will be on the nose in precisely twenty-two hours, just as soon as Purah gives us both the all-clear!” Zelda giggled happily, bottling her eighth consecutive contraceptive potion, which she had helpfully labeled ‘No Heir 4 U’. “Ahh, just think. Tomorrow, that pesky ‘no foreign fluids’ restriction is finally lifted! It’s LITERALLY been too long!”
“Hon, while I’m as eager as you are–” Link started.
“You are not. The depth of my desire transcends that of crude mortality and approaches the level of the divine.” Zelda replied, brewing up a bright pink aphrodisiac potion.
Link sighed and shrugged. “Okay, while I’m as eager as any oft-reincarnated pseudo-divine spirit inhabiting a mortal form can be, what are you gonna do if there’s a complication and it takes longer to recover?”
“Simple!” Zelda said, sunnily. “First, I will cry. Then, I will punch the wall. Then, I will have Purah give you another dose of that antibacterial injection and I will continue having my way with you to the VERY LIMIT OF WHAT WE ARE ALLOWED TO DO while you whimper like a puppy.” Her eyes gleamed dangerously. “And may the Golden Three help her if there are any further delays after that.”
Link’s eyes went wide. “You’re hot when you’re scary.”
“I’m hot all the time.” Zelda replied. “I’m just ESPECIALLY hot when I’m scary.”
Day 14
Purah walked into the waiting room, seeing Zelda sitting politely, eerily calm, while Link was rubbing his latest bandage and trying not to cry. “All right! We’ve got the results, and you’ll be happy to know there’s no trace of the bacterial infection in either one of you! You’re officially cleared to resume normal sexual ac–” The pair vanished in strings of blue light. “–tivity. That will be three hundred and eighty five thousand rupees, since you don’t have insurance.” Purah sighed, seeing the pair already gone. “Eh, a for-profit medical system would be too evil, even for me. I’ll go back to work on my death ray instead.”
Zelda and Link reappeared by their Akkala vacation home, Zelda briefly pausing in her embrace of Link to kick the door off its hinges and into the opposite wall, where it shattered. “Sorry. Goddess strength. Fix later. Sex now.” She muttered, already exploring Link’s mouth.
“Why Akkala?” Link asked as another door fell victim to Zelda’s ludicrous libido-powered lustiness.
“More private.” Zelda muttered, having just enough presence of mind to recall both doors back together and in place. “Can be very loud.” She glowed brightly, both of their clothes vanishing from them. “And I WILL be very loud.”
Inside Zelda’s Mind
Superego huffed in annoyance. “Seriously, Id, you complained about having to run things for so long, and now you’re leaving us all wanton and you barely give up control! What gives?”
“Shut up, S-E.” Ego said, glaring at her counterpart. “I let her do this. She had thousands of years where all she had to do was decide where to fly and whether to blink both eyes at once. Let her wreck Link’s pelvis for a bit.”
Superego sighed, sat back, and smiled to herself. “Fine, fine. I guess we do deserve this, after everything.” A warning went off behind her. “Was that the…”
“It’s fine, it’s fine!” Id muttered from the controls. “That was just the bed breaking. We can recall it back together.” Another alarm, more serious than the last, sounded. “And that was the floor suffering severe structural damage. One moment, I’m gonna try to move us somewhere safer…”
The railing for the stairs never stood a chance. It gave way with a pathetic crack, sending Link and Zelda tumbling to the floor in a pile of splinters and flesh. A soft golden glow surrounded them, reassembling the pieces, and more importantly, removing the painful and humiliating splinters.
“Ow. There we go, we’ve made it to the ground floor! Now we don’t have to worry about collapsing the house.” Zelda muttered. “Back to business.” She leapt on Link, making the hero yelp like a puppy.
“See? Perfectly fine!” Id smiled. Moments later, another alarm, this one flashing with multiple colors, sounded. “Huh. That’s one I’ve never heard before. What is that?”
Ego checked the readout. “Oh… oh dear.” She looked over at Superego. “Did you remember to take the potions?”
Superego huffed. “Of COURSE I did! I had us take one of the pink and two of the green, just like normal.”
“And… none of the purple?” Ego asked, sighing.
“Purple?” Superego fell silent. “You or Id usually handles those. Why?”
Ego sighed, ending the alarm. “Well, we DID tell Link we wanted kids… hopefully he’s ready, too.”
Id shrugged and laughed. “What’s life without a bit of adventure, anyway? Besides, can’t get pregnant if you’re already pregnant!” The alarm sounded again. “R-right?”
Nine Months (And One Hasty Marriage) Later
“Fraternal triplets! That’s amazing!” Paya congratulated the proud parents… well, parent, because Link had fainted halfway through and had yet to wake up. “How do you think it happened?”
Zelda shrugged, holding her three babies happily. “I can’t say for sure, but Sonia, Aryll, and Linkle are all a blessing.” She looked over to her husband, being tended to by a few physicians. “And I’m sure Link will agree once… IF he ever wakes up.”
“Why DID he faint like that?” Paya asked. “Sir Link is usually so strong!”
“He’s never been good at seeing me in pain OR seeing me bleed, and, well…” Zelda gestured to the children. “Childbirth is painful, messy and gross.”
Impa snorted. “That lad’s going to be the most overprotective father in the WORLD, you know.”
Zelda laughed lightly. “I know! Isn’t it great?” She looked at her three children with a small expression of concern. “I wonder who I should feed fi–” Linkle answered her question by waking up and clamping onto Zelda’s breast entirely by herself. “Linkle has her father’s appetite, I see.” And she has his propensity for going straight for the boobs, too. “I guess that answers that!”
Link sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Woah, I had the weirdest dream. It was like I was wandering Hyrule again, but everything was all blocky and obtuse, and everyone lived in caves for some reason, and weird, friendly Moblins kept paying me to keep it a secret…” He saw Zelda holding their children and gasped in delight. “OhmygoddessarethoseOURS?”
“They are!” Zelda smiled. “Meet Sonia…” She held up her firstborn, sleeping in her right arm. “Aryll…” She indicated her secondborn, sleeping in her left arm. “And Linkle, the hungry one.” She giggled. “Would you like to hold one of them?”
Inside Link’s Brain
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!” Ego screamed in a blind panic. “WE’VE NEVER HELD A BABY BEFORE! WHAT IF WE SMASH HER?! WHAT IF SHE CRIES?! WHAT IF WE DROP HER?!”
“QUICK! ASK FI!” Superego yelled. “FI’S SMART! SHE ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT TO DO!”
“THEY WOULDN’T LET ME BRING HER INTO THE DELIVERY ROOM!” Ego cried. “THEY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HER BEING COVERED IN BOKOBLIN GUTS AND THAT BEING UNSANITARY!”
“WHY DIDN’T YOU STAB THE GUY, THEN?!” Superego asked, bewildered.
Ego rocked back and forth in the fetal position. “BECAUSE ZELDA WAS HAVING OUR BABIES! I DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN THAT BY STABBING A DOCTOR!”
“THIS IS ALL ID’S FAULT! HE LIKES SEX TOO MUCH!” Superego looked around the mindspace, pausing to clear out cobwebs here and there before spying a memory sitting unattended. “Hey, wait! This is our memory of our parents! We’ve been looking for that! Maybe this’ll help, who knows?” He slipped it into the main consciousness without considering the consequences.
“Link? Link? Link!” Zelda stared at Link as he spaced out, getting concerned. “Did you just have a stroke?”
Link snapped back to reality, shaking his head. “No… I just remembered my parents, all of a sudden.” He took hold of Aryll, cradling her as she woke up. “Hi there! I’m your papa!” Aryll cooed and grabbed at his nose. “Aww, she wikes my node.”
Zelda laughed as Sonia began nursing as well. “So… when they grow up a little, we tell them they were planned, got it?”
“Abzowutewy.” Link honked, his nose still in an unbreakable baby grip. “Just wike the next fow wiww be.”
Zelda sighed happily and sank back into the bed. “Let’s try to have the next four one at a time, though. I love you, but I think three at a time was a bit much.” She looked over at Link with a wry smile. “Would you like to join me in my post-natal exercises with the Gerudo?”
“Isn’t that fatal to most men?” Link asked with concern.
“Aren’t you different from most men?” Zelda responded. “I’ll let you out of it if you promise to be a good house-husband.”
“Deal. Absolute deal.” Link nodded. Ha! Sucker! That’s what I WANTED out of life! “I’ll take care of the cooking, cleaning, diaper changing, and, most importantly, teaching them to kill.”
Zelda nodded before her eyes snapped open. “Wait, what was that last one?”
“Teaching them vital skills.” Link answered. “Just like my parents did!”
A Hundred and Fifteen years Ago
“Hon, where’s Link? I want to take him Lynel hunting.” Arn said, looking around their house.
“I tossed him outside at sunup with nothing but a sword and the clothes on his back. He’s fighting that Hinox that’s been getting too close to the village lately.” Sophia said, completely unconcerned. “The knights say he kills monsters like a man three times his age!”
“Hmph.” Arn scoffed. “He USED to kill them like a man FOUR times his age. Can’t let him start slacking just because he’s turned six.”
“Hmm… Maybe I should try to be a bit BETTER than they were.” Link shrugged. Linkle grabbed his nose again and cooed louder. Yeah, I should aim higher– after all, they’re all worth it! He leaned over and snuggled up with his wife and daughters, happy as could be.
Zelda cuddled up with him, and whispered in his ear– “Once we con Impa into babysitting, let’s start working on the next one! It’s been FOUR MONTHS, and I’m STARVING!”
Link’s eyes went wide. Oh no. I’m doomed. He realized, with a wide smile on his face.