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"How about a spot of spin the bottle?"
You and your companions were supposed to be joining each other for an evening around the campfire, but those plans got squandered once the storm started. So there you were, huddled up in Gale's tent and drinking the rest of the wine.
After all the small talk was out of the way, things really went downhill. It got a tad awkward with most people not knowing what to say, part of you wished it was like this more on your outings.
"Really, Gale? Spin the bottle? What are we, twelve?." Astarion sat to the side of the group, lacking his usual witty banter. He'd been brooding the whole time and mostly only spoke up when nitpicking someone on their stories.
"Someone's got their panties in a twist," Shadowheart thought she muttered under her breath.
"I heard that!"
Karlach kept glancing from Gale to Astarion to Shadowheart and back, "Oh, don't be a downer, Astarion. I think it's a great idea, Gale - though the most I could give is only a peck of course."
"I also think this could be fun." Wyll chimed in.
"What is 'spin the bottle'?" Lae'zel examined her companions, seemingly the only one in the dark about all this.
"It's where we get a bottle, like so," Gale picked up the empty wine bottle, "and you spin it around."
"That's very simple, how can that be fun?"
"Well, whoever the bottle points to, you have to kiss."
Lae'zel's expression morphed into one of utter bewilderment, "...I see. I will not be participating in this game of yours."
"Boo. Alright who is playing, then?" Karlach, ever excitable as always.
Alongside Gale and Karlach, Shadowheart, Wyll, Halsin and you agreed to play.
"Come on, Astarion. Have a go!" You were sat in a circle with Astarion on the outside, watching, "What's the worst that could happen?"
"I don't know, Gale, what if one of you has herpes, I don't want to catch your diseases."
"If any of us has herpes, it would be you, Astarion. You've been around more than all of us combined." It turned out tipsy Shadowheart was particularly cruel. Everyone knew about Astarion's past and how he felt.
"I bet you think you're so great for coming up with that comeback, don't you. Yes, let's all call out Astarion because he must be best kisser since he's such a whore." He promptly stood up, "fine. You want me to play. Fine. I'll play you're children's game." He found a place opposite you, between Gale and Wyll and squeezed in, looking rather cramped like he was trying not to touch them.
"If he doesn't want to play I don't think he should have to-
"I said it's fine! You don't need to look out for me... especially not an actual bear." He uttered the last bit under his breath.
"Astarion, if you're sure-
"Yes. Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I want to play. Yes. Everyone knows, I know how to say no now so if I say yes, I must mean it." Refusing to look at anyone, he glared at the ground.
You quietly scrutinised him, wondering what was wrong because there was clearly a cause for concern. There had to be a reason he was acting this way.
"Well... I suppose if you're sure." Trying to fix the mood, Gale's face instantly brightened and he clapped his hands together, "alright, who wants to start?"
Karlach went first and it landed on Halsin, which resulted in a very awkward peck and a nod from both of them afterwards.
On Halsin's turn it landed on Gale and they proceeded to fully make out - tongue and everything - in front of the group. Maybe it was less awkward for them but it was more awkward for everyone else. Especially Karlach who basically had Halsin's ass in her face the entire time.
When Gale spun, it landed on Shadowheart, who he tried to do the same thing with but she was having none of it, so when he ended up licking her face she grabbed one of the many candles he had lying around and burned his beard off.
"Ow, what was that for?" He quickly patted at his face to put the flames out.
Lae'zel seemed interested suddenly, "Don't you have spells for that?"
"Don't encourage her!"
Shadowheart shrugged, "I wasn't sure I could control myself."
"My beard! My magnificent beard! It's gone." He fully outstretched his arm just to point at her, "I can't believe you burned off my beard... is it bad?"
Everyone was trying to contain their laughter but his now patchy face was the image of idiocy. Even moody Astarion was having a hard time keeping up his persona.
"It looks..." Karlach thought about her words before going with, "it'll grow back."
Gale threw his head into his hands, "It's absolutely horrible isn't it?"
"It could've been worse, you know. I could've burned off the roots, you'd never be able to grow it back. Consider this me showing you mercy."
"Mercy? Mercy? You call this mercy. Look at me." Gale uncovered his face then proceeded to hide his chin behind his hair like a makeshift beard, "there's nothing left for me anymore. My beard was all I had."
"Stop being so dramatic, honestly you're as bad as Astarion." Shadowheart picked up the bottle, "anyway, I believe it's my turn to spin."
Shadowheart's spin landed between you and Karlach, exactly where Lae'zel was perched, watching the game intently, but she wasn't playing so it ended being you who it was leaning towards slightly more than Karlach.
Immediately Shadowheart grabbed your face and began making out with you. Not missing a beat, you kissed back with as much fervour.
This was much to Gale's dismay, who cried out, "what? How is that fair? I tried to do that and lost all my pride."
But Shadowheart didn't stop, only smiling into the kiss while Gale continued his whines of annoyance.
When all was said and done, your turn came and it landed on Astarion. You thought it wasn't so bad, it wasn't like it hadn't happened before. If he got up and left right after at least he'd joined in a little.
"C'mere Astarion, you know you want to." You leaned over to meet him halfway but he took his time. At first you weren't sure if he was going to get up, but slowly, after staring at you for a while, he sighed. You didn't realise that kissing you was such a chore.
"Don't worry, Astarion, I can promise they don't bite." Shadowheart winked at him but he completely disregarded her.
It concerned you when he plastered on his signature Astarion smirk that hadn't appeared since before he poured his heart out to you and you discovered his behaviour was an act of survival.
Pushing away your concerns in front of the party, you fluttered your eyes shut as he approached, expecting lips to meet your own, and for a brief moment you felt breath near your mouth but when that went away you opened your eyes and saw a flash of the most panicked expression you'd ever seen on Astarion's face.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered before solidifying a stoic mask and sprinting out of the tent.
For a few moments, you were frozen in place, unsure of what to do and what exactly had just happened, but after an awkward cough from wyll you quickly came back to your senses and realised you were still leaning over in the middle of the circle.
"I've got to go," you promptly followed after Astarion, leaving the group to think whatever they wanted about what was going on.
Astarion hadn't exactly tried to hide, what with his being the only other tent that was lit up. Your worry made you want to charge in there and demand answers but that would get you nowhere, only pushing Astarion away in the process.
"Astarion? Please can I come in?" You put on as best a polite front as you could given the need to shout over the storm, but you weren't getting turned away without a fight.
"...Is there anyone else with you?" His voice sounded guarded.
"No, it's just me. Everyone else is still in Gale's tent."
"Alright, you can enter."
As you walked in, quickly closing the tent behind you, Astarion, already hunched over, curled into himself even more. On instinct you reached out to rub his shoulder but his reaction was like a stray cat; he jumped away from you as soon as you came near him and nearly scared you out of your skin.
"No, don't touch me." He held out a hand warning not to go any closer.
You backed off instantly, folding crossing your arms so you wouldn't be tempted to reach out again, "okay, okay, of course I won't touch you if you don't want me to." When your breathing calmed down and Astarion seemed to relax a tiny but more you continued, "may I ask why?"
He turned away from you and ran his fingers through his hair, "I... I... I don't want you to ever touch me again."
You resisted the urge to physically comfort him, your brain fighting for control over your body.
"I don't think I want anyone to." Astarion finally looked back at you, his doe-eyed gaze tearing your heart to pieces, "can you still care for me after knowing that?"
For a while you remained silent while you gave Astarion an intensely sad look but when you felt it had made its impact, you confessed, "what kind of question is that, Astarion? Of fucking course. There is nothing you can do that will make me love you any less."
"And could you... be with someone like that? Even if there's no waiting around for the day they finally... get over it and be just like everyone else."
Finally you trusted yourself to not touch him and uncrossed your arms, "Are you... asking for a relationship? I thought we agreed this was non-committal. Honestly, I've always bee open to be your partner, but I thought our dynamic was for you."
"If you'll have me then... yes, that's what I'm asking." He gazed at you with hopeful eyes and your heart dropped.
A relationship with Astarion was something you've always wanted and you did truly care about him, but with these recent developments - never getting to touch him and never receiving physical affection in return - you weren't sure if you'd be able to make that sort of commitment.
"More than anything, I want you to be happy."
His hopeful gaze looked like it was on the verge of shattering into a million tiny pieces, "I'm sensing a but."
"but for that type of relationship to work out, you've got to think about yourself. And I don't know if I can accept your offer-
"I knew it." His head dropped, "no one can love a fre-
"Astarion, look at me!" Fortunately there was a storm outside so you could shout as loud as you wanted to. You didn't carry on until Astarion did look, "I didn't say no. This is not a no. It's an 'I need to think about it'. And no, that's not just a nicer way of saying no. I just need time. And don't you ever, dare ca yourself what you were about to. Having boundaries does not mean there's something wrong with you. Not ever."
He softly nodded and when he realised you were done talking, averted his gaze.
"Is this what today's been about?" The brooding had gone on all day but you originally thought maybe he'd ran out of hair product and it was simply Astarion being Astarion.
He nodded again, "my mind has been in a constant state of battle all day, I can't stop contradicting myself with what I want."
"Would you like to talk about it?"
"I - I know we've slept together, held each other and you were great - perfect even, I enjoyed it - so why now must that enjoyment disappear. It doesn't make sense. One minute I was happy for you to touch me and the next I wanted to rip my skin off if you even got too close."
You remained very still, silently taking it all in.
"Or at least, that's what I spent the morning working through in my head. I sort of realised there was always a part of me that hated it, and the part of me that enjoyed it was just the mask I was wearing, so strong I even fooled myself. Overtime I guess I got too comfortable in your kindness and patience with me and the mask started to slip, even if I didn't notice. I grew to be... repulsed every time you so much as lightly brushed my hand with your own and it can't carry on or I fear I'll end up resenting you - and not being with you is a much better alternative to resenting you."
"I wish you could've told me this sooner, I hate that I was causing you pain." But it was only a whisper, not wanting to overshadow his confession, you're not even sure if he heard it.
"But, anyway, I've sort of got that all figured out now. What I can't wrap my head around is the same thing that bothered me for the rest of the day - why do I still crave physical contact. I suppose two hundred years of not being allowed to take any sort of comfort for yourself would make anyone touch starved, so in a way it's only natural. But I don't want to be touched. How can I want to be touched but also not at the same time? My mind needs to make itself up."
You thought you would throw ideas out there, "I know you probably don't want solutions right now, but just a suggestion, since Cazador didn't let you have any personal pleasures, I don't know if you've never tried it before, but maybe masturbation would work for you."
Astarion deadpanned you.
"What?"
"That is not what I'm talking about." For the first time since he left the tent, a small smile grew on his face, "I mean, seriously? Here I am pouring my heart out like there's no tomorrow, and all you hear is 'Astarion horny' and tell me I should try jerking off like I didn't even know what that was. Honest, darling, your people skills could use some work."
"Astarion..." you softly pleaded but you knew he was jesting.
"What I'm talking about is intimacy, I suppose, but what I'm really trying to say is physical touch is the highest form of symbolism for the purest kind of intimacy: emotional intimacy. It isn't just that I want cuddles, I feel like if I don't touch someone then it isn't real."
Sheepishly you grinned because you were about to sound ignorant for a second, "okay, hear me out on this. There are some people who are repulsed by sex but still get horny from time to time, so I guess it's like they have this physical desire for something they resent. Maybe you're like that, but like, you crave physical touch but it disgusts you."
Astarion actually considered your point, "and what do these people do about this issue?"
"I don't actually know. Masturbate, I assume. Maybe you could try hugging a pillow, whenever I felt alone I used to do that."
"That's really sad."
"I know."
"And what if I want to be the one getting hugged, what then?"
"You know what? I don't know. But what I do know is you've been thinking about this all day and worrying about it anymore tonight isn't gonna solve anything. What you need is a distraction, let's go somewhere."
"What? Have you heard that storm? We may quite literally get blown away. And you want me to go out in that? Are you insane?" He was quick to fall into his usual mannerisms once he was distracted.
"I'm about as sane as you."
"Yes, because that's reassuring."
-
"What are we doing up here ?" Even yelling you could barely hear Astarion above the storm and the distant waves crashing.
You'd led him to a cliff overlooking the ocean where the storm would be at its worst, "getting distracted."
"That means nothing to me."
"Feel the wind. Feel it surrounding you, enveloping you." You distanced yourself from him and spread out your arms, doing exactly what you said.
"Please don't tell me you're comparing the wind to a hug."
"That's exactly what I'm doing."
"It's the wind."
"Not just any wind. Super intense wind."
"Have I told you you're insane?" But when you peaked out of one eye, Astarion was copying your position and for the first time all day, his face looked calm.
Then out of nowhere, you screamed at the top of your lungs, letting all your pent up frustration get carried away across the sea.
"Is the wind getting louder or did you just scream?"
"I think the wind is getting louder." Then you heard Astarion let out a scream, it was louder than yours with a lot more emotion behind it. Then you heard him let out another scream, this time more raw and shakier, or maybe it really was the wind.
"I don't want to give credit to one of our companions, but maybe I'm starting to find the enjoyment in the freedom of nature's gifts."