Chapter Text
Ritsu couldn't sleep.
Yes, Ritsu.
Ritsu, who usually, could fall asleep instantly, no matter when or where he was. Ritsu who could sleep throughout most if not all day, unless he had Knight's practice or other important stuff he couldn't miss.
And yet, now he was laying in his bed not bothering to get up for more than an hour now. At first he tried to fall asleep, but the longer he was laying down with his eyes closed, the worse he felt.
No matter what he did, he couldn't get rid of that sinking feeling in his stomach. More and more bad thoughts started to appear in his head, making him feel even worse.
And still, even that wasn't enough motivation for him to get up.
He let all those feelings consume him.
It was still morning and Ritsu had no reason to rush. No important meetings, no lives - at least not that he remembered. Ritsu had the day all to himself, which he usually liked, yet this time, he wished there was anything that would motivate him to get up and would keep his mind off things.
Reluctantly, he reached for his phone…for the 10th time since he woke up.
No new messages from Mao.
Of course, at this point he wasn't even surprised.
He was busy, either having practice with trickstar or doing student council work. He had no time to reply to Ritsu.
Even though he was online.
'That's fine.' Ritsu tried to think. 'Maybe he just let his phone on, or is doing something important again.'
More important than Ritsu.
That hurt, but it was okay. He understood. He really did.
Yet the feeling in his stomach only got worse.
It felt like they were drifting away. It felt like Mao was going to abandon him soon, forget about all the good memories they ever made together, and replace him with someone else. Maybe he already did.
With someone less annoying and needy, someone who was more fun and didn't need as much attention and reassurance as Ritsu did.
But that didn't feel right.
That wasn't fair.
Ritsu tightened his grip around his phone before chucking it on the other side of the bed.
Why was Mao like this? Why was he treating Ritsu like that?
Did he really not care at all about the time they spent together? Did it not matter to him at all?
Was Mao not feeling even the tiniest bit sad about them drifting away while what Ritsu felt could only be described as torture?
How was that okay?
It wasn't.
It wasn't fair.
How could Mao replace Ritsu so easily? How could he not feel guilty at all? Did he even know how much Ritsu suffered because of him?
Recently there have been more 'bad days' than 'good days' for Ritsu. It really felt like the end of his friendship with Mao. And the black haired boy hated it so much.
Because no matter how mad he could be at Mao at the moment, how much sometimes he wanted to let go of him, he still couldn't do it.
He needed Mao, he didn't know how to live without him.
He couldn't bear the thought that if Ritsu left, Mao would just find new friends, completely forgetting about him.
Someone would be Mao's no.1 and it wouldn't be Ritsu.
He didn't want that.
He hated thinking about that.
And yet he couldn't stop the thoughts, the second he thought he felt the tiniest bit better, they were coming back to stab his heart again and again.
Ritsu didn't know what he felt anymore.
He felt sick, he wanted to cry, he wanted to throw up. He wanted to sleep and never wake up, just to not feel that sinking feeling ever again. He was mad at Mao, he wanted to hate him - and he did in a way. But at the same time he loved him, he loved him so much, he wanted Mao's attention, he wanted to be Mao's special person. He wanted to be important to Mao, he was so terrified of being replaced and losing him. He needed Mao more than anything, he needed him because he loved him so much, but hated at the same time.
And yet again Ritsu knew it wasn't Mao's fault.
Sure, sometimes he felt that Mao should try harder to make some time for Ritsu. He felt the need to have Mao appreciate him more.
But Mao wasn't a bad person.
Far from it actually.
Mao had the patience of an angel, he was always giving his all, working extremely hard and yet he always tried to find time for others to help them as well. He was the kindest person Ritsu had ever met.
Ritsu knew that, he knew it all.
And yet right now he was so angry, he couldn't help but paint Mao in the worst way possible, despite knowing he was going to regret that later.
Because again Mao wasn't at fault.
It was Ritsu.
It was Ritsu's twisted brain that was making him feel like the world was ending whenever something was slightly off about Mao.
It was Ritsu and only Ritsu.
And he couldn't do anything.
He knew he couldn't snap out of it, he knew he wasn't going to heal anytime soon.
He knew he needed reassurance, he knew he needed to be honest with Mao.
But he couldn't, because what if Mao would hate him? What if Mao would be weirded out? What if Mao wouldn't care at all?
What if Mao's reassurance would be nothing but empty promises and lies?
Ritsu wouldn't be able to handle it.
That would break him completely, shatter his heart into thousands of tiny pieces.
That would hurt way too much.
So for now he was stuck. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say. Everything felt too scary and too risky, it felt like there was no escape.
And so he didn't do anything.
He stayed in bed letting all the feelings hit him at once, he let himself be suffocated.
He didn't even realize when tears started streaming down his cheeks while he let out a choked up sob.
It hurt. It hurt so much. Ritsu wanted the pain to stop.
But of course it didn't.
Ritsu sobbed until his body was too exhausted to keep going anymore.
His eyes ended up puffy from all the crying, his cheeks wet and flushed red, his breathing extremely shaky despite him trying to make it go back to normal, by taking deep breaths.
Ritsu felt so guilty, so selfish.
He was such a bad person.
Ritsu let out another choked up noise, feeling like he was on the verge of crying again. His body felt so hot, his vision started to become blurry, it felt like all the strength was completely leaving his body.
He didn't even realize when he passed out, going completely limp.