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A place on the waterfront doesn’t seem too appealing. Rather than sit on those red blankets and crick his neck upwards, Joel retreats from the lawn as if he has something better to do than gawp at fireworks. Not because he hates colours, lights, summer nights, any of that. Because he’s tired of trying to figure out where he fits into those families, legs stretched out, talking between the crackles and bangs, gasping at each Catherine wheel and Roman candle.
Joel frowns. There’s a silhouette on the porch. Looks like someone else has the same idea.
“Got a light?” the guy asks, striding over as if convinced that safety in numbers will prevent someone coming along and forcing them to join in.
“Sure.” Joel offers him the lighter. A bright burst of light illuminates the guy. Tall, dark and handsome. Joel used to joke that two out of three weren’t bad, but this guy’s hit the trifecta. No wonder Midge thought he’d be worth a shot.
“Joel Maisel, right?”
“Yep.”
“Not in a sociable mood tonight?’
“Guess not,” Joel says, hearing himself sound sullen. Perhaps a little wistful.
“Me either.” The guy smiles and gives back the lighter. “Benjamin,” he says.
You got a last name? Joel thinks of asking, but he doesn’t exactly want to be taken down the whole rabbit hole of relatives and finding out that this guy’s ma is his aunt’s best friend’s mahjong partner whose kid by the way saw Midge at the Gaslight making fun of what an asshole husband he was and getting the whole room cracking up at his now-on-record asshole qualities.
“You avoiding someone?” is what he says instead.
Benjamin frowns in a way that seems amused, but doesn’t answer, merely says something about fireworks, but Joel’s mind is out there on the lawn. Seeing Midge with her parents, complete without him.
“Lights in the sky,” Benjamin says, and Joel repeats it without thinking.
It’s kind of nice talking to someone without really looking at them. Reminds him of being at the bar with Arch. Maybe the resemblance loosens him up a little too much. Or maybe it’s the fireworks, the painful nostalgia of it, because he can’t stop talking. About forgiveness. About people. And for someone who tries to avoid people, Benjamin’s responding in kind, and Joel finds himself saying he’ll change his mind about them. Everyone needs people, right?
Why else is he standing on a porch talking to a guy he barely knows like he’s his best friend?
Joel thinks of the last time he saw Arch and can’t stop himself from grinning at the absurdity of it all.
“You know what’s funny?” Joel says suddenly, looking over the black water as it glitters with flashes of reflected colour. “My mother thinks I’m schtupping my best friend. Walked into the room as we were sitting on the bed with a drink, and she rushes straight outta the room. “I saw nothing!”
“Mothers,” Benjamin replies. Joel feels, rather than sees Benjamin shifting beside him. Feels his eyes on him. “She have a reason to form that impression?”
His voice has changed from the easy, low tone he had before. It’s light. Almost too light. Cautious.
“Ah, I guess because she’s decided it’s the only reason that makes sense. Why else would I leave a beautiful, funny, talented, whip-smart woman like Midge?”
He can really feel Benjamin’s eyes on him now. Feels like he’s under a goddamn microscope. Joel looks around cautiously as though he’s gonna be pounced on, and Benjamin’s giving him a look that’s sort of soft. Understanding. It’s kinda weird. Benjamin smiles gently.
“Sure,” he says slowly. “I like Midge. Did I tell you we went on a boat ride?” He waves his arm at the general direction of the lake. The boats have been all moored so they won’t get in the way of the fireworks barge. “Well, in a fashion. I don’t row.”
“Yeah, I heard.”
“Surprised you didn’t see it,” Benjamin says. “Everyone else did, if my mother had anything else to do with it.” He puts on a voice. “Look, Benny’s out there in the boat with that Midge Maisel! Now why doesn’t my boy row? Doesn’t he know what oars are for?” Benjamin clears his throat. “I, uh, hope you don’t mind.”
Joel shrugs. “No, why should I?”
“Because if you’re at all concerned, both of us decided it was a wash out. Midge plonked me in there so our mothers would give it a rest for a couple of hours at least.” He waits for the boom of a particularly loud firework to fade. “She seems lovely, but she’s not really what I’m looking for.’
Down below the porch, there’s a chorus of gasps as a brilliant magenta firework blooms in the sky.
“Joel?”
“Hmm?”
“With your best friend -“
“Yeah?” Joel frowns. It’s been a while since he mentioned Arch. Thought they’d moved onto Midge.
“Did you ever want to?”
“Want to what?”
Ben is looking down at him very kindly now and all of a sudden it hits him. It’s not a girlish look exactly but the last time he saw that kind of look was -
Well, it was with Midge.
Ah, fuck.
And it seems his brain is working very, very slowly, at least more slowly than his mouth, because rather than some kind of emphatic denial or excuse as to why he should suddenly leave or even just saying Me and Arch!? -
Joel says slowly, “I never really thought about it.” And then has the weird, rather frightening thought that his mother, with her impenetrable accounting and her treasure maps and her bizarre catastrophising might somehow know him better than he knows himself because when it comes down to it -
Why did he leave Midge? Yeah, it was the comedy, the plummeting, embarrassing feeling that he wasn’t funny and maybe never was funny and if he wasn’t funny then maybe he wasn’t interesting or clever or handsome or appealing in any way and it was only a matter of time before Midge realised and left so he’d better just leave her first -
But even so, why? It wasn’t like Midge ever made him feel bad. He was doing enough of that on his own.
And it wasn’t Penny either, although everything about Penny was - a relief, really. Penny was easy. Never asked him a question he couldn’t answer.
“Joel?”
Joel rips himself back to the present and goddamn it Benjamin’s still looking at him like he wants something. And all of a sudden, Joel realises. It should scare him, but it doesn’t, because what the hell else has he got to lose?
Benjamin leans over and touches him lightly on the shoulder. More carefully than Arch would, as if he’s prepared to spring back any second, which kinda makes Joel mad, because it’s like he’s thinking Joel’s going to sock him one for even trying, and that just seems unfair. What kind of asshole would punch a guy for trying his luck?
“Hey,” Joel finds himself saying. The fireworks look as if they’re finishing, and without the convenient backdrop of explosions, this might not be a great conversation to have. Especially not in a place with this many old ladies with flapping ears. “You wanna go for a walk?”
Benjamin raises his eyebrow. “Sure.” And the two follow each other off the porch and down away from the water.
“There poison ivy around here?”
It’s pretty dark. He can hear Benjamin’s breathing beside him, which is steady and oddly comforting.
“Don’t think so. They’ve almost definitely sent a whole bunch of boys through the forest with gloves and secateurs to clear it all out. Anything for the holidaymakers,” Benjamin says wryly.
“Why’d you come here anyway?” Joel says. “To Steiner Mountain Resort, I mean,” he adds hastily.
“I like playing cribbage with old ladies. Nice change of pace from my ordinary life.”
And what does that look like, Joel wonders. Probably pretty sedate. Benjamin doesn’t seem like a guy who takes an awful lot of risks. And you’d never guess to look at him. Maybe he doesn’t even do anything -
He stops. Benjamin’s leg is brushing against his. He can feel the warmth of it. A frisson passes over him.
“Benamin?”
“Do you want to do this?”
He searches his mind for objections and can’t find any, even though they should be there. “Sure.” Why the heck not. He laughs. “Although I gotta say, I’m not really sure what we’re doing, so go easy on me.”
Away from the fireworks and the light, his eyes have finally adjusted enough to see Benjamin’s smile. “Would you like me to give you an order of operations?”
“Nah, just improvise,” Joel says recklessly, and is rewarded by Benjamin’s warm chuckle.
“Alright,” Benjamin murmurs, and steps up to Joel as if he’s going to dance. There are only inches between them. Joel waits for Benjamin to close that gap, and he does, running a hand almost nonchalantly along Joel’s chest, towards his waistband. Joel realises he’s holding his breath. He realises his hand has made its way around Benjamin’s waist and is now resting in the small of his back. Like dancing.
He can turn around the floor with this guy, sure.
Benjamin’s hand is now somewhere rather more intimate. Joel pushes himself closer towards him, into his palm. Should he be doing something? Getting unzipped or -
No wait, Benjamin’s already taking care of that. The zip comes down neatly. Nothing gets caught. And his hand slides in - expertly, Joel thinks, as if he’s done this countless times before. Which of course he has, because it’s hardly gonna be this guy’s first time too.
It’s weird feeling like a virgin again. Usually he knows what to do with his hands, his body, even if he’s recently learned about Midge’s whole half-unhooked bra trick. He’d be unhooking a bra right about now. He supposes he should be unzipping or unbuttoning or unbuckling something instead.
“Hey, you want me to -“ Joel says, and then stops with a gasp because Benjamin’s hand is doing something very rhythmic and very sure, and the pure pleasure of it bursts through him, pushing the anxiety out of the way. He realises his hand is clenched in the fabric of Benjamin’s shirt.
And then his hand isn’t where it was before because Benjamin has moved. He’s dropped. Joel’s hand brushes against his shoulder, his hand, as he goes down -
Benjamin’s hands are on his hips and he’s kneeling in front of him in a way that looks surprisingly graceful. One hell of a dance. He angles his head up and Joel meets his eyes and feels himself blushing like a teenager. Which can’t be very appealing.
His eyes are very beautiful, Joel thinks. And then Benjamin does a little nod and drops his gaze back to Joel’s open fly and yanked down underpants and now extremely hard cock, and it doesn’t seem right somehow, not cause it’s a guy but - well, heck, he thought -
“Hey,” Joel says.
Benjamin glances up again, this time more sharply. “Yes, before you ask, I don’t mind. Rather partial to it, in fact. And no, you don’t have to reciprocate.”
Joel blushes with such intensity he feels like his face might actually be on fire. “Aren’t you gonna kiss me first?”
Benjamin raises his eyebrow again and with the eyebrow he rises, moving fluidly upright. “I didn’t think you’d want that.”
Joel feels a flare of irritation. “Who doesn’t like kissing?”
Does Benjamin think he wants to fuck without even kissing first? Shit - is that what being with a guy is like?
Benjamin shrugs. “Some guys don’t. Guess they don’t like the feel of a five o’clock shadow, reminds them that they’re not getting off with a lady.”
“I know you’re not a lady,” Joel says.
Benjamin laughs. “Sure.”
“Sounds you’ve been with some pretty lousy guys.”
“Well, when it’s illegal you don’t always get the cream of the crop, so to speak.”
And that just makes Joel sad, almost sad enough to not feel it when Benjamin kisses him. It’s a heck of a light kiss for one. Gentle, like something that wouldn’t anger the Hayes office. It’s not like his lips feel like sandpaper and his face like a block of wood or anything. Joel wants to tell those other guys to pull their heads in, because if they think it’s that bad kissing a guy then who could ever expect girls to kiss them?
Benjamin’s stopped kissing him. “Ok?” He sounds uncertain, and Joel realises that shit, he’s been so in his own head he’s been the one sitting there like a dead fish. Asking for a kiss and not kissing back! He darts forward before he loses his nerve and overthinks it, pulling Benjamin down and kissing him hard, fiercely, his hands in his hair, breathing in gasps against his warm, sure mouth. Their teeth click, and yes, that is a scrape from stubble and he’s never kissed anyone taller than him before - or at least not this much taller, and yes, it’s probably a bad kiss, but Benjamin makes a noise like he’s surprised, and draws him close enough that they’re finally fully touching, Benjamin’s hands on his back, on his ass, and his thigh between Benjamin’s legs which means -
Yeah, he’s rock-fucking-hard. And the thought of that makes Joel harder. He breaks the kiss and gasps, his head dipping in the space between Benjamin’s chin. He kisses his throat, feeling the warm pulse on his skin.
“Joel -“ Benjamin gasps, and it’s over with those light, fluid touches because now his hands are everywhere, grasping at Joel’s ass, his hips, pushing their way under his shirt, and this time the crouch is a scramble and Benjamin almost falls against him in his haste to take him in his mouth and oh -
He’s petting Benjamin’s head, that dark, sleek hair running through his fingers, and he’s touching his shoulders and the back of his head as it fucking moves with the slurp of his mouth and it feels so fucking good that he can’t seem to stop himself from clutching and pawing and has to forcefully rip his hands away because fuck, gotta let the guy breathe, can’t choke him, but Benjamin must know circular fucking breathing or some shit because even when he pauses all he does is look up with those gorgeous fucking eyes, and he doesn’t draw back for one fucking second -
“Oh God,” Joel hears himself moaning, hopefully quietly enough that nobody’s gonna come into the woods and bust them. He bites his lip, feeling himself tense, and whimpers out a stifled oh fuck. Benjamin’s doing something with his tongue now and he can’t remember if he was supposed to pull out or - fuck, they didn’t even discuss it, did they?
“Hey,” he whispers, but it’s getting harder to get any words out and it comes out as more of a staccato grunt, matching the jerk of his hips.
“Mmm?” Benjamin says with his mouth full - and oh fuck that’s too much - fuck
Joel’s fingers tense in Benjamin’s hair and before he can stop himself, he’s making a sound that might be describe as agonised, and fucking emptied himself into the wet warmth of Benjamin’s mouth.
fuck -
Is he fucking swallowing?
He’s tipping his gaze up again and looking Joel full in the face, eyes glimmering in the dark, lips somehow curved into a smile around Joel’s cock and his throat is moving in gulps as he’s fucking swallowing -
Joel tries to catch his breath. He unclenches his hands and slides free carefully. He flops back against the tree, panting. Somehow in the whole course of events, Benjamin’s managed to get his pants down and jerked himself off and has splattered all over his own hand. At least that’s what Joel thinks might have happened. The logistics are fuzzy.
Benjamin gets to his feet somewhat shakily. “You got a hanky or something?”
Joel finds one in his left pocket and hands it over, watching as Benjamin wipes himself off.
“Thanks,” Benjamin says. His fingers are delicately holding the sodden hanky. “I’d give it back now, but, well, you know. Washed and laundered tomorrow might be better.”
There’s an awkward few moments while they tuck things in and re-zip and buckle themselves.
“Do you usually just - jerk off like that?” Joel mumbles, as Benjamin tries to tuck his shirt in one-handed. “I would have helped you out.”
Benjamin just shrugs. “Force of habit. I didn’t want to presume.”
“Ah, it’s the fucking lousy guys, isn’t it?” Thinking about the whole Penny Pan situation, Joel would have put himself in the category of fucking lousy, but apparently there were lows he wasn’t even aware of. Maybe for Benjamin he’s a step up.
What a depressing fucking thought.
“Now you know why I said I don't need people.”
They pick their way out of the woods carefully. It seems to take longer than it did to go in. There are various rustles he didn’t notice before. A grunt that might be an animal. A giggle that definitely isn’t.
“You think anyone heard us?” Joel whispers.
“Doubt it,” Benjamin snorts. “There’s always more than one couple in the woods, and on the off-chance that one of them saw us, they’d have to explain what they were doing in the woods in the first place.”
“Comforting,” Joel says grudgingly.
“Well, you know what they say. Whatever happens at Steiner Mountain Resort, stays at Steiner Mountain Resort.” Benjamin holds aside a branch for Joel to pass. “Besides, some of those couples are raccoons.”
They’ve reached the edge of the woods now and have instinctively stepped further apart.
“So.”
“You’ve got dirt on your knees,” Joel says.
“Uneven ground,” Benjamin says drily. “I just so happened to trip.”
“Walk you to your cabin?” Joel says automatically.
Benjamin smiles. “Better not.”
“Ah, just had to make sure you were alright after that nasty fall you had in the woods,” Joel says, and is rewarded with Benjamin’s chuckle.
“I’m sure I’m fine.”
“Physician, heal thyself,” Joel adds.
“Alright. I’m up there.” Benjamin motions with his head to a cabin in a considerably less central location than the Weissmans’. “With my mother.”
“She a light sleeper?”
“Heavy.”
They start making their way towards the relevant path.
“My mother hasn’t shown up yet,” Joel says. “I’m enjoying a respite. Just the in-laws.”
Benjamin laughs. The timbre of his laugh is rich, as if it’s been well oaked. “I have a system.”
“Oh?”
“I only stay up here until my cereal runs out.”
“Not sure that excuse would work for me,” Joel says.
“Oh, my mother’s long-since given up,” Benjamin says. “Besides, you become a doctor and she has a point to counter anyone else’s criticism of you until the end of time.”
“Shoulda thought of that,” Joel says. The call of a loon punctuates the silence. “Love that sound.”
“Probably the only reason I still come up here.”
They come to the door of Benjamin’s cabin. All the curtains are closed, and all the windows shut in defence against the balmy night air.
“Well, this is me,” Benjamin says, turning to face Joel and giving him another one of those wry smiles. Joel realises he must have a type. People smarter than him. Penny being the one howling aberration.
“How much cereal have you got left?”
Benjamin assures Joel that Mrs - he never did get Benjamin’s last name, did he - Mrs Benjamin’s Mama sleeps like the dead, and indeed, her snores are reverberating the entire house, more than drowning out the sound of her son making coffee.
“You know,” Joel says, as Benjamin puts down a mug in front of him. “I’d try it indoors. Not here,” he adds hastily, “but I’m not opposed to the concept of indoors.”
Benjamin stirs a precise teaspoon of sugar into his coffee and lets the spoon clank against the mug. “Good to know.”
“I’m also not opposed to the concept of beds. Or couches. Or other surfaces.”
Benjamin grins around a sip of coffee.
“And I’m also not opposed to the concept of dinner. Or drinks.”
Benjamin puts down his mug and looks slightly pained. “It’s not - well, it’s probably not what you’re used to. You can’t really be that public.”
“A nice business dinner with a guy who might be interested in investing in my father’s business,” Joel says, staring Benjamin down. And that brings a smile to his face again, even if it has that sort of aloof amusement that makes him feel like he might be being humoured. “And if our legs happen to touch under the table then that’s hardly my fault. How was I supposed to know the booths were so crowded?”
Benjamin snorts into his coffee. “You sure you haven’t done this before?”
“What, sneaking around?” Joel tries a bit of that eyebrow raising Benjamin’s so fond of. “Of course.”
“Just want you to know what you’re getting in for,” Benjamin says, answering with a quirk of his own left brow.
Joel drops his voice to a murmur, even though a yell over Mrs Benjamin’s Mama’s snoring would be more appropriate. “Also, I reciprocate.”
Benjamin snorts again. “Oh?”
“Yeah.” Joel tips up his mug. He’s down to the dregs. “I happen to like making people come.”
He feels Benjamin’s knee bump against his and he smirks. “And I reckon it’s probably easier with a guy, so -“
“Well from what I’ve heard, maybe,” Benjamin says. “That area of the female anatomy was never my specialty, but I do have a friend who’s a gynaecologist. Never thought to ask -“
Joel rolls his eyes. “I’m not talking about a girl, I’m talking about you.”
“Joel,” Benjamin says warningly. “I just want you to know that -“
“What?” Joel says, with some exasperation. “Are you seriously trying to talk me out of this?”
“Joel -“
“What, you prefer those lousy guys?”
“No.” Benjamin places his hands firmly on the table. “I just don’t want you to overcommit to something you might not be ready for.”
“What, making you come?”
The snores suddenly stop. The air drops out of the room. Benjamin freezes, poised on the brink of something. “My mothe-“
A grunt emits from down the corridor and settles back down into a rhythm of snoring.
“No,” Benjamin hisses. “I mean, this. It’s something you either have to keep very secret or you rapidly become very unpopular.”
Joel snorts. “Well I’m hardly winning any popularity contests right now, am I?” He reaches over. Benjamin’s hand is palm up on the table. Joel takes it in his, clasps their fingers together. He squeezes Benjamin’s hand until he lets out a little sigh.
“Alright, Joel Maisel. You win.”
“Besides,” Joel says. “I’m seeing an uptick in my popularity in the future. Wait until I tell my Ma that I bagged a doctor.”
A particularly loud snore drowns out their laughter.