Chapter Text
‘Clear blue water
High tide came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on, and I will
Skies grew darker
Currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone’
-This Love, Taylor Swift
“I still can’t believe this,” Belly gushed, holding Taylor’s left hand between her own. A large, emerald cut diamond now lived on her best friend’s left ring finger. Taylor’s eyes narrowed at Belly and she pulled her hand back to her lap, suddenly self conscious. “Hey, not in a bad way. We’re going to be sisters!”
“You don’t think we’re too young?” Taylor asked, twirling the ring with her thumb. Belly couldn't help but laugh at the questions. Taylor and Steven had been together for almost nine years and would be far from the first of their friends to get married.
“Not at all, we’re twenty five. You’ve both finished school and have good careers.” Belly said, pausing only for a sip of her white wine, “Plus, after my almost wedding at eighteen, I don’t think anyone will have anything to say about this.”
“They better not,” Steven walked through the archway connecting the kitchen and living room and planted a soft kiss on the side of Taylor’s face. Belly’s stomach flipped at the sweetness of it all, the serendipity of her best friend and her brother. Two people who were able to stick it out and make it work.
“You’ll be my maid of honor, right?” It was so like Taylor to just blurt it out, casually.
“Duh,” It didn’t even really need to be asked, they’d been planning this since long before they ever thought to start considering who the groom would be. “Who's going to be your best man, Steven?” She bet he hadn’t even started to consider any of the actual wedding planning.
“Uh, I asked Conrad actually.” Steven said, scratching the back of his neck. Taylor turned her head around and looked at him surprised.
“But,” Taylor said quickly, “If that’s going to be weird for you he can ask someone else. Someone whose last name isn’t Fisher.”
“No, I can’t.” Steven crossed his arms, “Conrad and Jere are like my brothers, I’m not having anyone else be my best man. I already asked Con last night.”
Taylor opened her mouth to argue, but Belly stood and put an arm around Steven’s shoulders. “Really guys, it’s completely fine. They’re our best friends, we grew up together. It won’t be weird. Me and Jere are on great terms, I’ve…communicated with Conrad here and there and, you know, it’s been a long time. We’re all past all that messy stuff…”
“Just as long as you’re not trying to play cupid. Let Belly be.” Taylor said, shaking her finger firmly like a grade school teacher at Steven.
Steven put his hands up, as if to say ‘I’m innocent’.
“Everything is going to be fine.” Belly said again, although she wasn’t sure if it was Taylor or herself that she was trying to convince.
Two weeks later Belly’s phone lit up on her desk while she was in the middle of a meeting with one of her student’s parents. She glanced down automatically, and then quickly did a double take at the name on her screen. “Sorry,” She said sheepishly, flipping her phone face down.
A half hour later, her student’s mom was thanking her and heading out of the office with a stack of pamphlets on local SAT prep courses. It was Belly’s first year officially working as a high school guidance counselor, and although some days were more challenging than others she was finally starting to feel like she was making headway.
As soon as the door to Belly’s office shut she reached for her phone, her heartbeat hammering through her throat. How was it that Conrad still had this effect on her, even after all this time? With time and distance, she thought maybe her feelings had finally started to dwindle away.
Losing Jeremiah had been hard in its own way. But, it hadn’t taken them long to heal or for the feelings to fade. They had found their way back to friendship, and that’s all that it was now. There wasn’t anything lingering romantically on either side. She had even spent time with Jere and his new girlfriend, Samantha. He seemed happy, and she was genuinely thankful for that.
Conrad was different. Conrad was burrowed so deeply in her heart that even after all this time she still dreamt of him and of what could have been if they hadn’t made such a mess of everything. It was too late now, she knew that much. She had her chance and she turned him down. Plus, she had almost ruined his relationship with Jeremiah. She wasn’t sure if the brothers would survive her stirring up any past resentments.
She was done being selfish, which meant she had to be done mooning over Conrad Fisher. With a deep, calming breath she flipped her phone over and unlocked the screen. She had two messages from Conrad.
Conrad: Congrats maid of honor
Then another a few minutes later:
Conrad: thinking we should meet up to discuss bachelor/bachelorette parties? Steven mentioned they want a joint party
Belly inhaled another deep breath. Right. He was reaching out because of the wedding, that’s all. She could easily spend time with Conrad and keep the focus on Steven and Taylor. There was no need to panic or get her feelings involved, this was purely…platonic.
Belly: Same to you best man ;)
Oh god, she started to second guess the winky face the second she hit send.
Belly: Meet up? Like facetime?
The last Belly had heard, Conrad had started his first year of residency in Los Angeles. She had settled down back in Philly after graduation, so unless he was implying one of them fly across the country over party planning she was pretty sure he was asking to schedule a call.
The three dots popped up a second later, he was already typing a response.
Conrad: I’m in town next week for a conference. Was thinking we could grab lunch.
It was just lunch with her brother’s best man to plan a party. That much she could handle.
Belly: Sure, what day?
They saw each other at the same time, eyes catching from across the restaurant. Of course he was early, of course he was already seated when she walked in six minutes later than the time they had agreed to meet.
He stood as she made her way across the room, between tables and chairs and waiters until she was standing in front of him. His eyes were so warm, it felt like the sun was shining on her face. She could feel a blush creep up her chest and across her cheeks just at the sight of him.
The last time she saw him was on the fourth of July the summer prior. It was tradition, the one time out of the year that the Conklins and Fishers all gathered. An unspoken agreement, a tradition held to honor Susannah.
Even though they spent the Fourth together, they hadn't actually talked. They had simply orbited around each other, avoiding conversation and time alone. Conrad had only been able to stay the one night, and he had left early in the morning without saying goodbye.
Even though it hadn’t even been a full year since the last time they’d seen each other, she noticed small differences in his appearance. His hair was cut slightly shorter than usual, his face was scruffy, and he looked bigger. More muscular. More like a grown man. She wondered if she looked different to him, or if he would always see her as the mess of a girl she once was.
“Belly,” He smiled in greeting, “You look different.”
She was definitely blushing now. Could he read her mind? He leaned toward her and gave her a side hug.
“Hey,” She said to the side of his face, “It has been a while.”
She felt him exhale as they pulled apart, “It has,” a beat passed between them as they sat down across from one another, “It’s not a bad kind of different, by the way. You still look…like you. You just look like a real grown up.”
“Well, I could say the same thing about you.” She pointed at his face, and he absently ran a hand down his facial scruff.
“Touche.” He smiled, “You’ve been good?”
It was more of a statement. She knew he was still talking to Laurel regularly and had asked about her frequently.
“Yeah, I’ve almost made it through my first school year as a guidance counselor. A few more weeks and it’s summer vacay.”
“Will you spend it in Cousins?” He looked at her, waiting for an answer but she wasn’t sure of what to say. She wasn’t even sure what her answer would be dependent on. When she didn’t answer he continued, “You know, the house is as much yours as mine or Jere’s. That’s what my mom would’ve wanted. I hope you and Steven know you’re welcome to come and go whenever you’d like. You still have your key?"
“Yeah, I do. I’m just…I don’t know what I’m doing yet.”
“Jere is traveling with Samantha this summer, so they won’t be there much if that’s…awkward or hard for you.”
She realized then that he had no idea how she felt. How did he still not get it, after everything? After all that time, she realized, Conrad still had no idea that he was her whole heart. That he always had been, that she had no idea how to let go or move forward with anyone else.
“No, Conrad, that isn’t a problem at all. Me and Jere are good, like more than good.” She bit her lip and contemplated her next words, “I don’t think I’ve ever actually apologized to you for how messy things got between all of us. I’m really sorry that I hurt you.”
“Hey, Belly, it’s ancient history. We were kids.” He looked at his water glass and smirked, “If you and Jere can be friends, then I think we can too. I don’t want to do this dance anymore. I just want my best friend back.”
“Really?” The idea of moving forward as adults and putting everything from before behind them sounded exactly like what Belly needed. If they could rebuild their friendship as adults, maybe they could finally heal from their teenage years. Maybe her heart could finally find a way to move on.
“Really. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” He smiled so warmly at her, his eyes melting her already burning face.
“Okay, deal. Friends.” She held up her hand and tried to hide the way it was trembling.
“Friends.” He repeated back, extending his hand across the table to shake her own. She hoped he didn’t notice how clammy her hand was as he shook it.
They ordered their food and talked about how happy they were for Steven and Taylor. How weird it was that they were adults now, no longer fledgling birds. They had all left the nest, wings spread wide and flying high.
Belly found out that while Conrad was in Philadelphia for a medical conference, he would soon be moving back to the east coast for good. He had been accepted into an oncology residency program at a woman’s hospital in Boston, and would be completing his residency there.
“Conrad, that is amazing. Like, truly amazing.” Belly gushed, pushing her plate away from her. “I can’t believe my mom didn’t tell me about that. Susannah would be so proud of you.”
Eventually, the conversation turned back to the upcoming wedding and their duties as best man and maid of honor.
“The reason I asked if you’re planning on spending your summer in Cousins is actually because, well, I was thinking we’d throw the party there. Make a big weekend of it.” Their server had just cleared their plates, and refilled their glasses of wine.
“That’s a good idea, actually. Romantic,” She was feeling warm everywhere now, which was a sure sign that the wine was getting to her head, “Their relationship did start in Cousins after all.”
“It did.” He took a sip of his wine, and she wasn’t sure whose relationship they were talking about anymore. “My residency in California ends in early June, and the program in Boston doesn’t start until the end of August.”
“I see.”
“I’m going to spend the summer at the house in Cousins. It might be the last time I get a whole summer off until I retire.” He joked, “I was thinking, the house is so big. You have the summer off too, and it would be easier for us to plan the party together - in person.”
“Yeah,” She agreed without actually thinking. It was like an automated response.
“So you’ll come?” His hand slowly reached across the table toward her and he nudged her hand softly and then retreated.
“I mean…” She was more than a little buzzed at this point, “Why not? A whole summer in Cousins. It’ll be like old times.”
“I hope so.” He smiled toward her hands, as if he was unable to meet her eyes.
The server brought their check and Conrad quickly handed over his card, silently declining Belly’s protests to pay for half.
“This was nice.” Belly declared as they stepped out of the restaurant. The air was cool and it bit at her warm cheeks. Flushed from the wine, flushed from her emotions, from being so close to Conrad again.
“You sound surprised.” He laughed, sticking his hands in his pockets as if he was unsure what else to do with them.
“I am.” She admitted with a laugh and started to stumble slightly.
“Oh boy, Belly. I don’t think you can drive home, You’re still a light weight, I see.” Conrad put an arm around her shoulder to steady her.
“Oh god, I’m sorry. This is embarrassing.” She put her hands over her eyes.
“Come on, it’s me. Remember when you pooped in the tub? Getting wine tipsy at dinner is probably the least embarrassing thing I’ve seen you do.”
“Ha. Ha.” She poked him in the ribs, jokingly. He still had an arm draped across her shoulders, although the fresh air seemed to be sobering her up and she was steady on her feet now.
“I’ll order us each an Uber.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and she noticed that his lockscreen was the view from the end of the dock at the Cousins house.
“I actually walked, I’m just a few blocks from here.” It was strange, in a way, that he didn’t know where she lived anymore. They had never seen each other’s houses or apartments as adults. In her mind, Conrad continued existing in a dorm room at Brown.
“I’ll walk you back.” He insisted, and she knew it would be pointless to argue or refuse. Besides, they had spent several more hours than she expected and it was past the time that she would feel comfortable walking alone.
She led him in the direction of her apartment. They walked mainly in silence, swaying into each other until their arms accidentally brushed more than once. At least, she was pretty sure it was accidental.
“This is me.” She announced, coming to a stop outside the stoop of her walk-up apartment. His face was illuminated by the street light above. Despite the fact that it was a Friday night, the street was quiet. Peaceful, even. It was as if they had the neighborhood to themselves.
“I’ll see you in Cousins,” He said, reaching out and lightly squeezing her shoulder.
“I’ll see you there.” She confirmed, despite not knowing if it was a question or a statement.
He smiled back at her. The air hung thick around them. She wasn’t sure if he felt it too. She was weighing the potential consequences of inviting him in when a car came to a stop at the curb in front of them.
“That’s my ride.” She had been so caught up in her own thoughts, she hadn’t even realized that he had already ordered an Uber. She took that as a sign that it was best to let him go. She needed to stay focused on her plan.
They were friends again. She couldn’t let herself mess that up.
He waited for her to unlock the front door and make it safely inside before he climbed into the backseat of his ride. She stayed at the door, watching until the car pulled away.