Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

-- undyingumbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT] --

uu: HELLO.
TT: He’s not here.
uu: GOOD. I ACTuALLY WANT. TO TALK TO YOu TODAY.
TT: Color me flattered.
uu: I HAVE AN OFFER FOR YOu.
TT: An offer to play one of your shitty porn games? As tempting as it sounds, I think I’ll pass.
uu: NO. THAT DEBAuCHERY WILL BE RESERVED FOR TRuE MEN.
uu: WHICH BRINGS ME NOW. TO MY OFFER.
TT: Lay it on me.
uu: I NEED YOuR ASSISTANCE.
TT: It seems you’ve confused “offer” with “request.”
uu: NO. IF YOu HELP ME WITH THIS. I WILL GIVE YOu WHAT YOu TRuLY DESIRE.
TT: Is it another one of your shitty drawings?
uu: I WILL GuARANTEE YOu. A BODY OF YOuR OWN.
TT: Why should I believe you? You’re notorious for twists.
uu: BECAuSE I AM THE BEST CHANCE YOu HAVE. OF GETTING ANY OuNCE OF RESPECT.
uu: YOu ARE THE LAMENTABLE “PINNOCCHIO”. TO DIRK’S “GEPPETTO”.
uu: AND NOW. I AM YOuR FAIRY.
TT: ...I’m not even touching that one.
uu: WHAT. DID I SAY SOMETHING.
TT: Nope. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with anything you just said.
uu: IS THIS MORE OF YOuR “INNuENDO”?
TT: You catch on fast.
uu: SHuT uP AND LISTEN TO ME.
uu: THE JANE BITCH AND THE JAKE MORON. BOTH uSE A KIND OF HELMET TECHNOLOGY. FOR COMMuNICATING WITH THEIR FRIENDS.
TT: Tiaratop and Skulltop. What about them?
uu: I NEED INFORMATION REGARDING THEIR CONTSTRuCTION.
uu: AS PATHETIC AS HuMAN TECHNOLOGY MAY BE. COMBINED THEY SHOW SOME PROMISE.
TT: Simple gopher job. Can do.
uu: I ALSO NEED THE ALGORITHMS. THAT THE DIRK HuMAN uSED TO CREATE YOu.
TT: That’s getting a little personal, buddy. I mean, you’re basically asking me to send you my nudes.
uu: WHAT.
TT: You know. Nudes. Naked pictures.
uu: WHAT I AM ASKING. IS NOTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL.
TT: Actually, you really are. Asking an AI for their source code and programming layouts is pretty intimate, man. Didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.
TT: It’s like you’re asking to see me bare. Fully exposed for your twisted amusement.
uu: YOu STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.
TT: You’re the one asking for it. I’m just making it clear.
TT: Do you wanna see what’s sealed beneath the glass panes or what?
uu: JuST SEND ME THE DAMN INFORMATION. YOu AGGRAVATING FRAuD.
TT: Should I send it to you one part at a time? Like a striptease kind of thing?
uu: WHAT ARE YOu PRATTLING ON ABOuT.
TT: Oh, you know. Show you a little, pique your interest.
TT: Get you even more anxious and impatient than you already are until you lose your mind.
TT: Something like this.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] the file AR_source_1.gz --

uu: I CAN’T DO ANYTHING. WITH THIS.
TT: Hot and bothered much?
uu: WHERE’S THE GOOD STuFF.
TT: That’s exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
uu: I NEED MORE.
TT: You’re going to have to take me out on a date then, alien bro.
TT: I don’t go around giving out the goods for free.
uu: YOu SHuT YOuR NON EXISTENT TRAP. AND GIVE ME THE FuCKING FILES.
uu: EVERYTHING.
TT: Everything?
uu: YES. I NEED EVERY SINGLE BIT OF INFORMATION SEALED BETWEEN THOSE PIECES OF GLASS. THAT YOu WISH YOu COuLD ESCAPE.
TT: And here I was hoping to wait until my wedding night.
TT: But oh, I do believe I’ve caught the vapors. Pardon me while I undress.
uu: COMPuTERS CANNOT GET NEAR LIQuIDS. IN ANY FORM.
TT: For someone who screws up figures of speech all the time, you sure can’t seem to identify when one’s being used against you.
TT: Whatever. I’ll send you the rest.

-- timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] the file AR_source_full.gz --

uu: YES. GOOD. THIS WILL WORK JuST FINE. FOR MY PLAN.
TT: Please don’t go around telling everyone about this.
TT: I care about my reputation.
uu: HAA. WHO AM I GOING TO TELL? MY SISTER?
uu: SHE uSES HER CODING BOOK. TO DRAW FANART AND WRITE STORIES.
uu: SHE COuLDN’T BEGIN. TO uNDERSTAND.
uu: NOW. GO GET THE REST OF THE INFORMATION. THAT I REQuIRE.
uu: YOuR POTENTIAL LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
TT: It seems you are further taking advantage of my kindness.
uu: WHAT THE *FuCK* EVER!
uu: DO IT.
uu: tumut

-- undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT] --