Work Text:
It gets easier.
It gets easier not being a full person. It gets easier being 13 and not having half as many memories. It gets easier, but it takes a long fucking time.
When Emma woke up on that fateful day, the way she felt was indescribable. She would say she had never felt worse, but she couldn’t recall having any other feelings at all.
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One day you won’t wake up to a panic attack. One day you won’t dream of faceless people that used to love you. One day you won’t spend day after day grieving– only god knows what. One day. One day you’ll be happy.
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You’ll never get used to not knowing anything, anyone. You’ll never get used to being surprised by the things you do know. You’ll never get used to the dreams. You see their faces every night, but not once have you been able to recall them come morning. You hear a name, your name, every night, but you can’t recall that either in the early morning sun.
Eventually you will learn it; eventually these faceless people that you almost believed were ghosts that existed only to fill you with grief and guilt will become people you know, people you love. One day these people will use your name, and they’ll smile at you like you’re someone they know.
You’re not.
You can never be the person they knew again, but, when you can manage not to remember that, it makes you feel nice, loved even. They hug you, and they talk to you, and they treat you like a full person. Sometimes to the point of error. You can’t count how many times they’ve asked you about referenced stories to a life you never lived. They truly believe that you’re their friend, that you aren’t just a girl with the same name living in her place. You want to be their friend; you want to recall these memories. But you can’t, and they can’t seem to understand that most days. It’s not their fault, and you don’t hold it against them; but it doesn’t feel like it will ever stop hurting. None of them get it, none of them seem to completely understand your grief. How could they? One comes close, though.
Ray. He looks at you the way the rest of your family does. With longing, with grief. But there’s understanding in his eyes as well. He knows what it’s like not to be known, to feel like an imposter to everyone that loves you. To yourself.
The days turn into weeks turn into months and slowly, oh so slowly, you learn your family. You learn that Nat is eccentric and dramatic, kind and helpful. You learn that Don is silly and brave, thoughtful and caring. You learn that Gilda is worrisome and fashionable, sweet and soft-spoken. You learn your family's names one day at a time, and they’re patient when you forget. You learn why you have only one ear, and why you often feel phantom pains in your right leg. You learn why Ray understands you more than most, and Norman’s eyes look at you like you made the world.
Apparently, you did.
You learn about a world far larger than the one you thought you lived in. You learn about the people you saved, the thousands of lives you changed. You learn why you’re having to learn this all in the first place.
And, one day, without even realizing, you learn to be happy.