Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

benji campbell certainly didn't think he was interesting.

he had a reputation, but it wasn't for anything special. being an out gay kid at creekwood certainly wasn't doing him any favors, and it wasn't like he could do anything about it. he wasn't ashamed of who he was, nor would he change the fact that he was living as himself. no more hiding behind a facade of what he was expected to be. plus, it wasn't like he was completely isolated because of his decision to be, well, him. he had a group of friends that he wouldn't trade for the world, and someone that he was kind of seeing.

benji was walking down the halls of creekwood, avoiding bumping into any of the other students in the halls as his phone buzzed in his pocket. when he pulled it out, his lips curled into a natural smile upon seeing who had sent it.

derek

i miss you x

can't wait to see you

it was difficult to quiet the excited pounding of his heart, the little messages like these always getting to benji’s head. derek wasn't the most show-y person when it came to their relationship, and sure, benji would've much preferred to publicize everything and have the entire world know that they were together, but derek made it abundantly clear that what they had was supposed to stay hidden. but, with that downside, came what benji believed to be a myriad of upsides. derek could be sweet at times, he was out about his sexuality, and he seemed to have all the confidence that benji absolutely lacked.

and, most of all, derek liked benji enough to stay.

so, pursing his lips, benji adjusted his sleeves and proceeded down his usual path. typically, he and derek would meet quietly in the library since practically no one ever actually went there first thing in the morning, much less the back corner where there was practically nothing. the two of them had essentially made it their meet-up spot, but more realistically, it was just the place they exchanged a few words before making out until their time was up. benji has plenty of memories of times he’d simply just try to spend time with derek by just talking or holding his hand or doing something romantic, but without fail, derek would always seem bored or uninterested. benji was a quick learner, and he realized pretty quickly that there wasn't a point in pushing for anything more than they already had. maybe in the future, he could hope for something bigger.

double checking to make sure no one was around, benji slipped into the quiet library, the lights all off from no one being inside yet. his hand fiddled with the phone in his hand as he went to their usual spot, eyes scanning the area.

“derek?” he called out, eyebrows furrowing slightly at the lack of response. it was too quiet, even for this place, so he opened his messages and found a new text waiting for him.

derek

something came up

can we meet at break instead?

benji read the messages once, then another time, his teeth biting into the side of his cheek with disappointment. it bubbled within his chest, but he forced it down with a long sigh, texting back a curt response.

benji

ok

closing his phone, benji left the empty library and left to head to class. pre-calc first thing in the morning, just what he needed to soothe his annoyed and aching heart. he was fully prepared to just sit down in class and space out for the next hour or so, but when he arrived to the classroom, he noticed that there were several faces that did not fit in to his memory of his usual classmates. the teacher, ms. thomas, was stood in front of the room, a board in her hands as she pointed out a few students to where they were supposed to be sitting.

before benji could even audibly ask aloud what was going on, he heard a pair of his old classmates having a conversation about it. how convenient.

“what's up with the athletes just coming in?” one boy said to his friend, seemingly eyeing them. benji couldn't tell if he was staring admiringly or judging them with envy. maybe it was a mix of both.

“i heard the school realized they messed up the schedules for the basketball team, so they had to fix up a ton of the classes for them.” the other explained, and where he got this information, benji wouldn't have been able to guess. news was just that easy to spread, he supposed.

he didn't let himself stick around long enough to know what the next part of their conversation was going to split off into, instead choosing to approach ms. thomas with a polite smile. “hey ms. thomas.” he greeted simply, just providing the bare minimum to not be hated by her. everyone was pretty aware of how dramatic she could be at times, especially with the students that she actively disliked.

“ah, benji.” she returned, a smile settling onto her lips as well. she peered down at her board, adjusting her glasses thoughtfully before giving a hum. “you’ll be sitting by the back corner over there, by the window, right next to victor salazar.” she instructed, glancing up to nod in the direction of the seat. before benji could reply, she quickly added a comment. “he's one of those basketball boys, so maybe you two will get along. boys who play sports, they're social butterflies, aren't they?”

benji blinked before giving a forced laugh, just awkwardly nodding before heading over to the seat. he found the comment weirdly unnecessary, but ms. thomas was practically infamous at this point for being a little too open about her thoughts. he didn't give himself much time to dwell on that thought, though, as his attention quickly fell upon the boy who was sharing desk space with.

victor salazar.

it was more difficult to avoid hearing his name whenever traveling the school since he was practically a creekwood celebrity at that point. what was once a new kid who came from texas was now the star of the basketball team, paired not only with the physique of an amazing athlete, but also a smile so charming that it could catch the eye of just anyone passing by. pair those redeeming qualities with a humble and kind persona, and you had yourself what creekwood considered to be the perfect guy.

then, of course, there was the fact that benji had been around him more than a handful of times. victor was the brother of one of benji's closest friends, pilar, and every time he visited her house, it was difficult to not let his gaze wander to the cracked open door that was his room. he remembers one specific instance where he was changing out of his basketball uniform, and…safe to say, benji discovered a newfound appreciation for athlete bodies. just to make matters worse, victor was nice to him and his friends. it was pretty obvious that pilar and victor were on different ends of the popularity spectrum, yet whenever the entire group was over, victor was nothing but friendly. sure, it was the bare minimum, but it didn't mean that benji didn't appreciate it. it'd be easy for victor to just ignore them or go out to hang out with his basketball friends, but he always greeted them respectfully, even occasionally popping in to ask if they needed anything. he just seemed to radiate this natural charisma that benji couldn't quite shake off.

and there he was, sitting as if he were a model, perfectly sun kissed underneath the window’s light.

swallowing down whatever it was he was feeling, benji continued forward and pulled out the chair beside victor, sitting down with a smile. god, he hated how much more noticeable victor's perfect tanned skin was from this close. big, pretty eyes that were the perfect shade and the subtle lift of his lips to form such a lovely smile. benji justified the fluttering in his stomach to be a simple appreciation of objectively good looks that just so happened to be his type.

“hey.” benji said with a casual nod, hoping that his ogling wasn't as obvious as it felt.

“hey.” victor returned easily, returning the nod.

the two's eyes remained fixated on each other’s for what felt like hours to benji, but in reality was really just a couple of seconds. benji didn’t even snap out of the trance after victor turned his head back forward, focusing on the notebooks he had in front of him. the shorter one simply stared forward, tongue wetting his lips as he resisted the urge to smile, because why would he do that? there was nothing actually special about what was going on.

all it could be was the excitement of sitting next to a cute boy.

class went by in an interval of time that benji had simply not been paying attention to, and the moment the bell rang, he resisted the urge to spare a glance towards victor and started packing his things. break was barely enough time for benji to get to spend time with derek, and he’d be damned if he got held up because he was drooling over his friend’s good looking brother.

on the walk towards the supply closet, where derek had asked to meet him, he made sure to keep his mind on the proper things to think about. he put extra effort to focus on the excitement of seeing his sort of boyfriend after winter break and attempted to feel the butterflies he used to have when he and derek first started going out. he shoved down whatever disappointment he had when nothing came up by the time he was entering the empty closet.

there, he saw derek standing on his phone, back leaning against the wall. he looked mature, like someone who didn't belong here, or rather someone who didn't want to belong here. before benji could call any attention to himself, derek had glanced up and offered a smile. “hey.”

benji returned the expression. “hi.” he shut the door behind him, stepping closer as derek slipped his phone into his pocket.

“i’m sorry about earlier,” derek sighed, his hand lifting to the back of his neck. it was a mannerism he had, benji noticed. “i really would've come to see you in the morning, but—”

“it’s okay.” benji reassured, bringing his hand to derek’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze. “how was break? we didn't really talk much during it.” he tried desperately to not let his feelings on that show through his voice, because wasn't it a normal thing to text the guy you've been kissing for the past few months on christmas?

“it was alright.” derek answered vaguely, and benji quickly noticed how the other’s eyes were settled on his lips. his chest felt heavy. “yours?”

it didn't take a genius to know derek was asking that as a mere way of being polite. “fine.” he settled, figuring that derek probably didn't care very much about how it actually went.

then, there were hands cupping his cheeks, shortening the distance between them. “i missed you.” derek murmured in the space that separated them, and benji breathed the words in. he didn't even have the time to answer before derek was leaning in, pressing meaningless kisses onto benji, something he returned with just as much vigor.

it ended almost as quickly as it started as the bell for their next class rung. derek opened his eyes, taking an unnecessary step back and shooting a brief glance to benji. “i’ll see you later.” derek said with a nod, not waiting for a reply before he began to step towards the door. he paused for a second, turning around and giving a serious look. “and i don’t think you will, but…just remember to not tell anyone about this.” benji just blinked before quietly nodding, seeming to satisfy derek enough to leave the closet.

the moment they had was short lived, as they always were, and benji was left to stand alone there. “bye, i guess,” benji muttered as if derek would hear him. breathing out a sigh, he clung to the strap of his backpack and shook his head, a futile attempt at shaking out his worries as he left the closet as well.

benji was used to mundane school days that weren't as exciting as the highschool tv shows claimed them to be. he found most of his energy reserved for things like band practice or hanging out with his friends outside of the academic world, but recently, things have felt different. there were parts of his day that felt straight out of a cheesy rom-com movie, and maybe his romantic brain was indulging a little too much of these fantasies.

like, the day that him and victor tried to enter the classroom at the same time and ended up bumping their shoulders together. victor had shot such an apologetic smile, and without even thinking, benji just said “hey.” there had barely even been a beat missed before victor responded “hey” back, and benji could’ve sworn that both of their eyes were lingering far more than they had to. the spell was broken the moment victor stepped back and made room for benji to walk in, but the rest of the class period was spent whispering little things to each other, their acquaintanceship slowly kindling into something like friendship.

after that, benji felt hyper aware of every time victor was in his field of vision. it was strange at first, but benji slowly became accustomed to greeting him whenever the two were close enough, and if time allowed it, even indulge in small conversations. the more it happened, the more that benji realized that he was actually looking forward to these brief interactions with the athlete.

it was another day. benji’s phone lacked any messages from derek, not much of a surprise, and his morning remained relatively uneventful. not a lot that stood out, and it was just a matter of time before he was on his way to his pre-calculus class. benji didn't do much to try and soothe the tingling sensation of excitement, especially when he saw a familiar back in the hallway. resisting a smile, he approached and made his way to victor’s side, who was frantically writing down answers on his homework while using his folder as a board.

“doing homework while on your way to class? bold move, salazar.” benji commentated, earning a startled yelp from victor. his eyes went wide, nearly dropping the folder before he caught it, seeming to catch his breath at the same time.

“you scared the hell out of me,” victor exhaled, shaking his head with a smile as he proceeded to hurry and keep writing.

“you know, if you really need to get it done before class starts, i can lend you my worksheet. cause, you know, i did it when i was supposed to.” benji quipped, though he was serious with his offer. sure, it might've been a cheap way in trying to earn some bonus points in gaining victor’s affection, but it was something.

much to his disappointment, however, victor shook his head. “as convenient as that sounds, i really need to learn this lesson. my grade dropped to an 89 because of our last test, and i might lose my mind if i don’t get it back up.” he explained, and benji decided to not comment on the fact that the grade victor was complaining about was considered high in his own books.

“if you're stuck, let me give you a hand,” benji insisted, reaching for the folder as victor pulled it back. his eyebrows rose and the two wrestled for the worksheet playfully, ending with victor’s pen making a noticeable mark on benji’s hand. benji gave an overdramatic gasp, feigning offense as he looked to survey the damage. “rude.”

victor was filling the air with laughter, a sound that was as good, if not better, than music to benji. his smile was just so perfectly endearing, and his heart did no favors in slowing down as victor slowly took benji’s hand, turning the curved line into a smiley face by adding two dots. “there.” he compromised, looking down at benji. “better?”

smiles stayed on both of their faces, benji choosing to roll his eyes. “a little plain, but i can work with it.” it was now victor’s turn to act out mock horror, shaking his head in disbelief as he continued to work on his problems.

the two traveled down the hall together, walking in a comfortable silence before benji noticed derek walking towards them. he knew it was just because derek had a class that was in the opposite direction as them, but maybe because of his stupid good mood, benji made eye contact with him. “hey,” he had said.

immediately, derek gave an expression that was fit for one of a stranger. “what?”

that was a harsh reminder of reality.

a cold, unsettled feeling washed over benji as he stared at derek, a mix of shame and embarrassment filling his system. when derek had said that he wanted to keep their relationship on the down low, benji hadn't thought he meant that he wanted to just be strangers outside of their occasional make-out sessions. “uh,” benji racked his brain for a solution out of this, just choosing to shrug his shoulders. “just saying hi, i guess. no need to get defensive about it.” ironic, really, judging by the fact he was the one who was giving a more aggressive answer.

derek just narrowed his eyes, wearing a combination of frustration and pretend confusion. “i don't know who you are, but…okay.” derek settled before looking at victor. the atmosphere was just awkward, and derek didn't even try to mask his discomfort with it as he continued to go on his way, presumably for class.

if it were up to benji, he would've just collapsed onto the floor and let the ground swallow him up and chew him into little bits, but clearly that wasn't an option. he was still standing there, forced to deal with the consequences of that horrible conversation. at the very least, victor seemed to have caught wind that benji wasn't wanting to talk about it and just cleared his throat, returning back to finishing his homework.

the embarrassment seemed to persist for a while, but eventually melted away as he actually began to focus on class and occasionally the look that victor had when perplexed on a problem. it was endearingly adorable, the way that victor's eyebrows furrowed and his nose scrunched a bit, occasionally lifting the back of his pen to his lips as he thought. if benji lacked shame, he would've been completely content with the idea of just watching victor instead of the lecture going on. the feeling of dreaminess persisted until the end of the class, where the two said their simple goodbyes and head off.

when it came time for lunch, benji and rahim had wasted no time in going to their usual table. the two had been mindlessly chatting about dolly, one of the things that the two could easily agree on, before there was a distressed sigh from a quickly approaching friend. before benji could even ask what was wrong (rahim wouldn't have bothered), felix had slammed down two bottles of apple juice on the table.

“i did it again.” felix explained, distress evident in his voice. “i bought pilar’s drink again, and i don't think i can afford to drink more than one bottle of apple juice a day anymore for both economic and health concerns.” his hand tightened around one of the drinks.

“didn’t you do that yesterday too?” rahim questioned, a clear sense of amusement from the situation in his face.

“i did say again, didn't i?” felix muttered dejectedly, sinking his chin down to rest on the table. “that's at least $3.59 i could’ve used on literally anything else, like…cards or something.”

benji stifled a chuckle, crossing his arms. “you do know pilar’s not here anymore, right?” the tone was teasing, but felix seemed to crumble even more.

“i know i know, i just keep forgetting. it's like, when i'm standing in line, i can hear her nagging me not to forget to get her drink.” felix whined, spiraling further down into his moping session.

“we miss her too.” benji provided, hoping to offer some comfort. “it's fine to miss her, felix. it's only been a week, but it's like she's been gone for ages.”

rahim gave a solemn nod of agreement. “it gets boring without her commentary on literally anything. no offense, but no one does it like she does.”

in tandem, benji and felix both replied with a “none taken.”

“it’s a good that she's going to the girls school, though.” benji reminded, providing a smile. “it’s gotta be great to finally escape the toxic masculinity and casual hate crimes on this side.”

felix nodded eagerly. “yeah! like, can you believe that mr. smith refused to call her pilar?” there was a genuine look of disbelief on his face. benji just sighed.

“add transphobia to the list of shitty things about mr. smith.” benji remarked sarcastically, earning a hum from rahim.

“but man, it just feels so weird without her.” felix continued, motioning to the empty space where she once sat. “like, come on. four is the perfect group! three is just…a bit of a sad trio.”

benji could tell felix was continuing on his tangent about the perfection of having just the right amount of people to hang out, but his eyes were quickly beginning to focus on the sight behind his friend. there was the basketball court, where several players of the team were practicing and indulging each other with a game.

most noticeable of them all was victor, who’s t-shirt was clinging to him in all the right ways. his hair, typically neat and tidy, was messy and out there. the usually maintained locks were now curls that were on his forehead, bouncing around for every movement he made. benji's mouth felt as if it was going dry at the sight, and he didn't even notice rahim and felix’s gaze slowly following his own.

rahim wore a smirk while felix had his eyebrows furrowed with thought. “isn’t that pilar's brother?” felix asked quizzically, immediately breaking benji out of his daydream.

“what?” he replied stupidly, not being able to think of any other words that could possibly be a better reply.

felix was persistent. “you know, victor! the one with that gorgeous cinnamon complexion,”

“perfect, unblemished skin,” rahim continued.

“and the salazar’s trademark puppy eyes.” felix concluded, scanning benji’s face for any sign of recollection.

“he doesn't have puppy eyes.” benji tried to argue, but two pointed looks and a bit of reconsideration later, his eyebrows furrowed. “well, maybe he sort of does, but why are we suddenly talking about victor?” in his head, it was simply easier to just pretend as if he wasn't caught clearly staring at this guy. that, in his mind, was far better than having to explain the possible budding attraction he was feeling.

“you were looking at him just now, weren't you?” benji greatly disliked how his friends were this attentive to him, especially felix. “i actually heard that you two got sat next to each other in…what was it, pre-calc? that must be pretty great, having pilar’s splitting male counterpart beside you!”

“i’d agree with you if they weren’t completely different.” rahim interjected before benji could, an unimpressed look on his face. “he’s cute, but that boy has absolutely no fashion sense. last week, i saw him walking around in this completely tragic hoodie pajama pants combo.”

benji hummed in agreement. “yeah, i’m surprised pilar hasn’t tried to fix it yet.” he laughed quietly knowing all three of them had been subjected to her rants about her brother’s lack of style at least a dozen times. “but hey, maybe we can try befriending him to fill the void. he’s…pretty cool, actually.” he suggested, maybe out of a selfish desire to attempt to hang out with victor in a setting that wasn’t just a classroom.

felix was quiet, pursing his lips with thought as rahim replied, “maybe if he wasn’t constantly hanging out with those basketball jocks. they just reek of sweat and toxic masculinity, i just don’t think i could ever survive hanging around that.” benji expected that sort of reply, but he still slumped into his seat slightly, giving a nod of agreement. he wasn’t a fan of the whole sports jocks thing, since they were the splitting image of unapologetically homophobic assholes.

“yeah, i guess you’re right.” benji surrendered, shrugging.

“is it awkward sitting with him? i mean, aside from him being just absolutely beautiful, it’s gotta be kind of weird since he’s like, in an entirely different world as us.” felix questioned curiously, head tilting as if he were a dog. benji found the action weirdly endearing and a little strange, but he contemplated his answer.

“no, uh, we talk.” benji ended up answering vaguely, choosing to leave out the many moments that he found weirdly intimate.

at the confirmation, felix’s eyes seemed to light up as he sat a little straighter. “seriously? about what?”

benji stared as recounted their last conversation, his bottom lip hiding beneath his upper teeth as he suppressed a smile at the fond memory.

“hey, uh, benji, do you have a tissue?”

at the voice, benji looked up, only to be greeted with the sight of a sheepish victor, hands and shirt covered in blue ink. he couldn’t even hide the shocked laugh he had, eyeing the basketball star up and down.

and, as if it weren’t obvious enough, victor explained, “my pen just, uh, exploded.”

benji rolled his eyes, standing up and patting victor’s shoulder. “c’mon, let’s get you washed off at the bathroom then, cause i don’t think a tissue is enough to fix this.”

victor gave a look that benji would compare to a sad puppy left out in the rain before he dragged him towards the nearest bathroom. victor immediately ran over to the sinks, and after about two minutes of frantic rinsing with soap and water, his face filled with more panic.

“it’s not coming off!” victor cried, rubbing at the ink faster as benji erupted into another fit of laughter.

“looks like you’re doomed to be blue forever, salazar.” he teased, earning a groan from the taller one.

“it literally looks like i’m wearing gloves!” victor joked, raising his hands up to showcase his newly stained skin. benji viewed the sight with amusement, pretending to inspect the sight while raising his index finger to his chin.

“hey, maybe you can turn it into a fashion statement. i’m sure you could pull it off.” the comment earned a dramatic shaking of victor’s head, who was now peering at the mess still left behind.

“think i could say it’s a tattoo? that’d make me seem super badass, don’t you think?”

benji withheld the urge to comment on how victor already seemed badass and how he wasn’t sure if he could actually handle the image of victor having an actual tattoo. he swallowed down the sentences with more laughter, leaning closer and helping victor rub more of the ink off underneath the water.

“nothing much.” benji replied to felix, averting his gaze. it wasn’t particularly a lie, but it’d be hard to justify why he found the whole encounter he had with victor so interesting.

“maybe you’ll convince victor to join us on the loser’s side for once.” felix said hopefully, his eyes doing that thing where he was probably harboring a dream too distant from reality. the suggestion caused rahim to scoff.

“felix, that wouldn’t happen, and even if it did, would it be worth it? who knows if victor’s little basketball posse will follow him, perks of being the star player or whatever, and i’m way too beautiful to be hanging out with those homophobic men of yesterday.” rahim provided as a reality check, taking another glance at the basketball team and scrunching his nose with distaste. there was a quiet before rahim sighed, leaning a little closer the two. “and, aren’t they kind of too similar to the ones who were bothering you guys last year?” both felix and benji stiffened at the mention, felix’s hopeful expression quickly shifting into one of hurt. rahim looked guilty the moment he saw their reactions and he slumped back. “i just don’t want you two getting hurt again. you guys deserve better than that.”

benji appreciated the sentiment, but he also wasn’t sure how he felt about his friends dictating who he spoke to. “listen, rahim, i get it, really, but victor’s different.” he said confidently. “and we’ve literally seen him before. like, whenever we’re hanging out at pilar’s, he’s fine. he hasn’t said anything that makes him look like a dick and actually treats us normally.” felix seemed to eye the basketball court, where victor was cheering along with some of the others after making a shot.

“i don’t know,” felix admitted. “he acts like a different person when he’s with his friends.”

“and we shouldn’t be praising him for doing the bare minimum, benjamin! i would hope he has the common decency to not bully us in our friend’s home.” rahim added hastily, eyebrows furrowed at the sheer idea of victor being that much of an asshole.

benji chose to go quiet, not wanting to argue with his friends anymore. instead, he just focused his attention back onto the cheering basketball squad, and his face couldn’t help but brighten at the sight of a large smile spread across victor’s face. the expression suited victor so well, and benji hoped that he’d get the chance to see such a pretty sight more than once.

felix noticed benji’s eyes settling back onto victor, and before he could bring it up again, he came to a certain thought. he shot a look over at rahim to make sure that he wouldn’t be leaving his friend out by doing something else, but rahim already seem preoccupied with something on instagram. with the confirmation that it’d be perfectly fine for him to do this, he pulled his phone out and shiftily opened his messages with a certain someone.

felix

hey!!! guess who’s got news????

pilar

what?

felix

say please and ill tell you :)

pilar

felix

felix

ok fine

benjis apparently interested in basketball now

if you know what i mean…

😏

pilar

first of all

dont send that emoji or say that ever again

second of all

what? dont tell me benji has a crush on some stupid jock now

felix

i guess only time will tell…

but anyways!!! how are you doing??? hows school over at the girls side??? feel any better there?

pilar

i thought itd be better but tbh it still sucks

not nearly as bad ig

the girls here r such bitches

literally no one worth talking to.

starting to think that maybe u guys were the only decent ppl in the entirety of creekwood, both boys and girls sides

felix

hey, look on the bright side! ☀️

you’re finally where you belong, and maybe you’ll meet your crew soon?

there’s no way that everyone there sucks.

pilar

ud be surprised

at least no ones thrown a sandwich across the caf or something

felix

literally sounds like heaven.

oh shit, rahim started talking about some ariana grande drama and is demanding we pay attention.

mind if i hop off for now? ill text you the moment im out.

pilar

go 4 it

bye

felix

bye!!!!! we miss you ❤️

the mornings where benji waited in the library were always the most thought provoking. he was leaning against a wall, staring at the library entrance from where he stood, pondering what had led to this. where did his life shift to where he now woke up early in the mornings just to go to the library and spend about five minutes with a guy who technically wasn’t even his boyfriend? it certainly wasn’t doing a lot for his pride, just waiting here for someone who had asked him out in the first place. he wasn’t the one to start their weird relationship, yet he was the one being pushed into keeping it a secret and letting it just be a thing for empty classrooms and libraries.

before he could contemplate the displeasure of his situation anymore, he heard footsteps and saw derek approaching him. he barely nodded as a greeting, still feeling hurt by the event that had happened yesterday. sure, he knew it was a weird move to greet derek in the hallway like that, but any other person would have just replied with a hello in return. what kind of guy made it a huge spectacle by saying that he didn’t know who he was?

“hey,” derek started, taking benji’s hand in his own. he gave it a soft squeeze, and benji didn’t bother pulling away. “i’m sorry about yesterday. i didn’t mean to ignore you, but i panicked.” he explained. the expectant look he gave benji was a clear sign that that was all he planned on saying, and benji just sighed, shutting his eyes briefly. as much as he would have loved to speak his mind on how that wasn’t a properly apology and how he deserved more, he knew it wasn’t worth the argument. so, he nodded.

“it’s…fine, derek.” he surrendered in a mutter. derek seemed satisfied with the answer and lifted benji’s hand, pressing a kiss down on it. as he did, benji noticed the slightly faded smiley face left behind by victor, and for some reason, it felt as though he was being unfaithful. that small little doodle was bringing more of a heart stopping feeling than the boy in front of him was.

he didn’t get much time to think about it before there were lips against his own, and the sensation was almost unsatisfying. he hadn’t even closed his eyes, but derek pushed harder for reciprocation, causing benji to succumb and try to enjoy the moment to the best of his ability. once his eyes were shut, his brain began to wonder what it would be like if the guy he was kissing right now was victor. would it feel any different? would it bring the very same sparks he felt whenever their hands did so much as graze? or maybe it’d be even more exciting, and it’d bring forth a feeling that he’d been dreaming of since the moment he realized he wanted a boyfriend? so, benji let himself pretend for a little bit, indulging in his daydream.

later at lunch, benji found himself sat in the corner of the music room with his back against the wall. he had a plain packed sandwich in a paper bag to eat, but he was mostly just fiddling with it in his hands. sitting across the small room from benji was one of the student teachers, simon spier.

mr. spier was a relatively young man who had only been at creekwood for about a year, but he was an open gay guy who had so much charisma that it was pretty much impossible to dislike him. benji could remember hearing rumors about the new out student teacher and the swelling of excitement the moment he saw him wearing a rainbow pin on his shirt. it didn't take long for the two to grow close since simon had been there when benji was first outed to the school and had offered his support. that support came in the form of visitation access to the music room during lunch and break whenever he wanted since simon mostly kept people out.

after that, it just became easy to confide in simon about certain things. obviously, benji wasn’t spilling out all of his life details, but just the small stuff that he figured would be nice to get advice about from someone who understood. even when they didn't talk, benji still found he appreciated the quiet of the music room when it was just them two.

however, that day’s silence was broken by simon shooting a pointed look towards benji.

“so,” he began. “you gonna tell me why you’re hanging out here instead of with your friends?”

benji hesitated before he shrugged nonchalantly, feigning casualty. “just eating lunch. no offense to rahim and felix, but it's kind of hard to just enjoy a peaceful meal with them sometimes.”

simon didn't seem to buy it and he raised an eyebrow. “you're sure everything's fine? no bullies i've gotta talk to again?” he offered, immediately earning a shake of benji’s head.

“no it’s…it’s nothing like that. it’s fine.” he reassured quickly, grateful that simon cared, but also a bit embarrassed that that was the first thing he had assumed. simon blinked but nodded, preparing to drop the subject before benji spoke again. “there’s, uh, someone though.”

simon glanced back up, skeptical. “good someone or bad someone?”

“good someone, i think.” benji clarified with a slow nod. “he's my boyfriend.”

simon’s face seemed to light up and he smiled, folding his arms. “hey! that's great! congrats, man.” there was a genuine joy in his face, and benji licked his lips nervously.

“the thing is, it’s…kinda weird.” he admitted, looking at his sandwich. “honestly, i don't even know if he’s really interested.” he was silent for a bit waiting to see if simon had anything to say, but when there was no response, he kept going. “like, when we see each other in the halls, he just pretends like i don't exist and gets upset when i accidentally say hi to him. he wants to just act like we’re total strangers, but the moment we’re alone together in the library, he acts like it’s completely fine.”

“i’m sorry that's happening to you.” simon said, shoulders seeming to slump. “have you talked to him about it?”

there was an almost embarrassed look that spread over benji’s face. “no.” it was a quiet mutter, only just barely being audible enough to be heard.

“you should probably do that then.” simon suggested, earning an anything but subtle sigh from the younger one. “i’m not sure what you want me to say. i’m not gonna tell you to just break up with him if you genuinely like him.” there was a pause before simon furrowed his eyebrows. “do you want to break up with him?”

“i don’t know.” benji wasn’t sure how he felt about everything. deep down, he knew something was off, but would there really be anyone after derek? was there a person that could still want him even after knowing about all of his flaws? what if this was his only shot at a real relationship and he’d never get a second chance? plus, he was almost certain his current crush was straight anyway, so it wasn't like he had someone new to pursue.

“as much as i wish i could help you every step of the way, i can’t solve your problems for you.” simon reminded, a reality check that benji wished he could just ignore. “have you talked to any of your friends about it? felix? pilar? rahim?”

another shake of his head. “they wouldn't get it.”

“cause they’re not gay?” simon inquired, to which benji nodded. simon just exhaled quietly, understanding benji’s position. “listen, just try and talk to him. it'll be better for you in the long run, because keeping all that bottled inside is gonna make it explode someday.”

“i hate talking to people about stuff like that.” benji responded, mostly as a joke. it earned a knowing smile from simon.

“i remember. it took you over three months to tell me about the bullying situation you had going on last year.” benji tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach, and instead of dignifying him with a response, he just looked back at his sandwich, ending the conversation there.

when school was over, benji held a determination to talk to derek about things and hopefully get everything that was wrong settled. it was what he needed to properly get over victor, a crush he developed probably only because of the struggles of his current relationship. he figured that if he just got his eggs in his basket now, he would have less to worry about in the future.

but, as he strode forward, he caught a sight that seared into him immediately.

he was walking out of the back entrance of creekwood when he saw derek’s figure in the parking lot, standing next to what looked like a college guy. benji tried to justify the sight, maybe an older cousin or a friend? surely it couldn't be what he thought it was, right?

unfortunately, his suspicions were confirmed once derek’s lips met this other man’s, and it felt as though benji’s stomach did an uncomfortable flip. he blinked, then blinked again, before taking a step back and turning around, returning straight back into the school and trying to process what he had just seen. it was all he could think about from when he sat on one of the empty stairwells, got picked up from school by his father, did all of his work assignments, and eventually when he was laying on his bed, staring blankly at derek’s instagram page.

there was a selfish part of him that wanted to just forget he had seen it entirely, live in this little facade that he was derek’s only person, but he had more self respect than that. he knew he couldn't just let this go and keep pretending like he was okay with it.

he cycled through what felt like millions of different messages he wanted to say, each one feeling more ridiculous than the last.

do you have a boyfriend?

hey, i saw you kissing some guy.

did you think i'd never find out?

how stupid do you think i am?

he ended up not sending any of them, instead biting him lip as he chose to keep it simple.

benji

let’s stop meeting.

derek

what?

why?

benji

i just don’t want to anymore

sorry.

derek

i need an actual answer benji

we’re not gonna get caught if that's what you're worried about

come on

think about this

don’t ignore me

benji

??

if derek had sent more messages, benji didn’t bother checking, as he had shut his phone off and put it aside. he pulled his blankets up closer to him, hoping that maybe it'd swallow him up. he thought that sending that would make him feel lighter instantaneously, but frankly, he still felt relatively the same. his body ached for relief from it all and his eyes slowly fell onto the closed drawer of his desk. inside it was a half-full bottle of vodka, and he knew he shouldn’t, but the temptation itched at him like a plague. every part of his body was practically screaming at him to get up and drink until his throat couldn't feel the burn anymore, drink until all of his thoughts and worries fizzled away into nothing. instead, he just held the blankets closer to himself, trying to steady his thoughts to do think of anything else. the embarrassment and hurt from the situation still sat in his chest, and he figured if he shut his eyes tight enough, maybe it’d go away.

benji wished he could just sleep in and ignore the need for an education, but he knew he'd need a better reason than emotional distress for his parents to let him stay in. dumping your secret ex person you were going out with that was cheating on you (did it count if they never labeled their relationship?) so, he had managed to somehow drag himself out of bed, despite his body making several protests against it, and attempted to gather himself into looking as if he hadn’t been hit by a truck.

breakfast was nothing special, a bowl of cereal prepared by his mom along with some orange juice. he didn’t have the heart to tell her that he barely had an appetite, so he ended up shoveling as much of the tasteless mush into his mouth and washing it down with overly sweet citrus. he ignored the concerned looks his mother shot him and wished her a good day, wanting to minimize the amount of conversation possible by just heading to the bus and hopefully being able to avoid derek all day at school. he wasn’t sure what would happen if he actually ran into him, but maybe a part of him was hoping that there was a chance that derek would actually fight for them, show that he cared at least the slightest bit.

the thoughts quickly washed away as he sat on the bus by himself, earbuds tucked in as he drowned out the surrounding noise with blasting music. despite the vaguely concerning volume of it possibly being damaging to his ears, he couldn’t help but find it relaxing. it pulled him out of reality and brought him into a new world where he could just focus on the simpler things, like the strumming of the guitar, the deep bass of the beats, and the smooth velvety vocals of the band’s lead singer.

amidst his daydreaming, benji found himself wondering what his ideal boyfriend would even be like. it wasn’t derek, he knew that at the very least. sure, derek had a handsome face and blue eyes benji thought suited him, there was also the air of maturity that always seemed to surround him. it came with his experience of being out for so long and having so much more first-hand encounters with things that seemed just so bizarre for benji; but deep down, he knew derek just wasn’t a good boyfriend. maybe they were looking for entirely different things and benji had just expected it to work out, he had wanted it to work out, since derek was his first actual boyfriend, or at least the closest thing he had to it. anything before him had just been a few one off kisses with some guys he thought were kind of cute and a lot of girls from when he was still trying to convince himself that he could like them.

benji pondered this dream guy, his first trait being that he wouldn’t mind the idea of people actually seeing them together. it didn’t even have to be in a romantic sense, just someone who didn’t despise the idea of talking in a public setting about whatever topic managed to come up. maybe it was the lack of actual committed relationships speaking to him, but benji figured that he shouldn’t be too picky with what kind of boy he wanted. sure, someone handsome would be nice, but more importantly, he wanted someone he could just laugh with, someone who didn’t make him feel anxious or embarrassed to be himself, someone who just let benji be…benji. no masks, no tip-toeing around subjects that sounded a little too serious, just a guy who benji felt he could trust enough to let down all of his walls and offer his entire hand.

as the muffled sound of bustling teenagers surrounded the outside of the bus, benji figured they had arrived to school. he rubbed at the generous amount of condensation on the glass window, and as if the universe was taunting him, there stood victor in center view, laughing along with a joke someone probably made. benji’s heart squeezed in a comfortably painful way, his lips pursing as he stared at the star longingly. dream guy was a fitting term for victor since benji was more than aware of the fact that actually getting with him was nothing more than a hopeful idea, one that would never actually come to life. even if victor turned out to miraculously like guys, why would he choose benji, his little sister’s weird friend who came over sometimes?

maybe benji should just take what he could get, just settle for someone tall or something.

the sound of victor’s laughter echoed in his mind, even amongst the music, and benji sighed a breath of defeat, standing up and preparing for another day in academic hell.

and, just to really make matters worse, benji had to deal with something during his gym period, so the teachers had compromised by saying that for that day, benji could attend first period gym. just what he needed to really seal the deal for his awful mood, working out first thing in the morning.

now, benji wasn’t against working out. in fact, he actually enjoyed it every so often, things like lifting weights or going to the gym to make sure his body was still healthy and in shape, but school gym was a battleground that he didn’t think any man could possibly enjoy. sweaty, gross, and filled with hormonal teenage boys who were trying desperately to be intimidating and impressive at some stupid gym sport.

and, worst of all, victor had first period gym. benji already couldn’t handle the sheer idea of victor at a basketball game (pilar had told the group to meet her afterwards, but benji came too early on accident, so he was forced to sit beside her and her family for the last quarter of it. safe to say, his eyes were happily enjoying the view he had), and now he had to be up close and personal with him in an environment where they’d be in loose t-shirts and gym shorts? if god had any sort of mercy, he would strike benji dead where he stood.

unluckily, god did not, and benji was forced to pretend to act cool the entire time. he ignored the uncomfortable glances he got when actually running on the field, just minding his business and keeping his gaze away from victor’s figure and effortless way of looking good while being sweaty. benji hated how that was even possible, seeing as how disgusting he himself felt in his gym uniform. he just distracted himself from any stray thoughts by keeping his head on the exercises that were meant to be done, and eventually, he was able to think about other things— like how painfully his legs burned from running that much in one sitting.

what benji didn’t notice in his exercise-ridden agony was victor’s gaze falling over him, an almost thoughtful expression on his face.

later, at the end of the day, benji was at his locker. for what felt like the first time in ages, his brain wasn’t thinking about cute boys or the dramatics of his love life, but rather on how he was going to get his chemistry homework done on time to be able to get enough practice for the upcoming band gig he had coming up. sure, music was a priority of his, but he didn’t want to let his grades fall any further than they already had in exchange for it.

he opened the metal door with a frustrated exhale, desperately trying to cram something inside so he could pull the rest of what he needed out without leaving a mess. the effort went unnoticed, though, as the boy he had just managed to get out of his mind appeared next to him, leaning on the locker with an all too pretty smile. “hey,” victor said, his voice revealing his presence and making benji jump, in turn causing nearly all of the contents of his locker to messily stumble out onto the ground. victor’s eyes widened in surprise. “shit, i am so sorry,” he apologized quickly, crouching down to help benji.

“no, don’t be sorry, you just scared me.” benji replied quickly, bending down as well to pick up the scattered supplies. the two got everything cleaned, victor handing the books to benji carefully, making sure they wouldn’t be put in a way that was easy to be dropped. “thanks.”

victor opened his mouth to reply, but seemed to linger on something. as benji followed where his eyes were looking, he concluded on the guitar pick that was wedged between some pages of one of his textbooks. “you play the guitar?” victor asked curiously, causing benji to give an almost sheepish nod.

“yeah, i do. i actually play in a band, lead singer and everything.” he explained, briefly cursing at himself for giving that unnecessary information. victor hadn’t asked for details, so why had he given them? much to his relief, though, victor’s expression seemed to light up with intrigue.

“that’s so cool!” he responded earnestly, the genuine interest in victor’s voice being shocking for benji. he couldn’t remember the last time someone who he hadn’t met from the music business was actually wanting to know stuff about his band. “the most music experience i’ve got is from my mom forcing me to play when i was a kid,” he said with a light chuckle. “i haven’t actually played in a while, but i’d like to think i’m still that dashing player that i was at the age of seven.”

the joke landed and benji grinned, his laugh rumbling from his chest and shaking his shoulders. “you’ve gotta show me sometime, then. didn’t think you were a piano kind of guy.”

victor shrugged nonchalantly. “to be honest, i’ve always really liked music. i was thinking about picking up guitar at some point, but i’ve been way too busy with school and basketball, just a bit too much to juggle right now.” god, benji found him so admirable. he had so many talents, yet he was still wanting to do even more? how much more perfect could a guy be? “hey, um, sorry to change the topic, actually, but i kind of wanted to ask you something.”

benji blinked and suddenly his heart began to swell, a subconscious heat rising to his cheeks. there was no way this was going to be what he hoped it was, but what if it did turn out to be like that? for a moment, benji could vividly picture victor’s own cheeks flushing subtly, a timid look in his eyes as he fiddled with his fingers subconsciously, making nervous eye contact. then, he swore he could hear victor’s voice, smooth and charming, say, “benji, i wanted to tell you that…i’m gay, like you, and…i think i’m in love with you. do you…wanna go out with me? i want to be with you forever.”

“do you wanna try joining the basketball team?”

that was like a cold splash of ice water.

“w—what?” benji stuttered out, still recovering from the entire gay vision he had just lived through.

“truth is, uh, we’ve got enough players on our team, but we need back-ups in case something goes wrong with one of them. coach ford really wants to go to the championships this year, and everyone’s really freaked out about not being able to find someone to be on the bench.” victor explained, a weird desperation in his eyes. “and, earlier at gym, i saw you running and doing the weight training with coach, so i wanted to see if maybe you’d be interested? totally no pressure if you’re not, though!”

that was a lot of information at once. frankly, benji didn’t know a single thing about basketball, but he was more so fixating on the fact that victor had been watching him during gym, closely enough where he was observing him while he was running and lifting weights. there were a couple of butterflies in his stomach, ones he desperately tried to crush into little bits of dust. there was no way he could do this. he just needed to get out of this in a way that would stay in victor’s good graces!

“vic, i really would, but i’ve never even played before.” came the excuse.

“that’s completely fine! i could teach you, if you wanted.”

fuck. the idea of one on one practice with victor alone, watching him in a tight t-shirt with sweat on his face, letting his curls down—

no. focus. “aren’t basketball players supposed to be super tall? not saying i’m short, but i’m not exactly in the six foot range.”

“don’t tell the others i said this, but…it’s just a school team,” he breathed out, sounding almost like a laugh. “it’s not super serious, so you don’t need to worry about that. plus, i’m not that tall either, i’m like…two inches taller than you.”

benji raised an eyebrow, a playful smirk spreading onto his lips. “so, in your eyes, i am short?”

that immediately caused victor’s eyes to go wide, followed by a frantic shaking of his head. “wh— no, that’s not—”

“relax, victor.” benji reassured, his hand reaching forward and landing on victor’s shoulder. he hadn’t even realized he made the action until he felt firm muscle underneath his fingers, and his body ran stiff. what the hell was he doing? he hoped it wasn’t obvious that he was panicking. “i was just joking, no worries.” he pat victor’s arm before withdrawing his hand back into his pocket, pretending as though he couldn’t still feel victor’s arm shape.

victor gave a relieved snicker, shaking his head with a bit of disbelief as he glanced up at benji, their eyes meeting in a way that made words lodge in benji’s throat.

“so, um, you in?”

“benji, is your gay little crush really worth suffering through an entire locker room filled with the most insufferable people on earth?”

rahim was ruthless as ever with his opinons, the trio of friends walking to the front entrance of creekwood together. benji had just informed the two of his decision to join the basketball team, seeing as his conversation with victor had happened only minutes before and he had to let them know that their plans for the afternoon would have to be postponed in favor of him attending practice after school. it was safe to say that the two were hesitant to share his enthusiasm about becoming a sports jock.

“it’s not a crush,” benji corrected, despite the fact it clearly was. “i don’t fall for whoever’s nice to me.” he tried not to be annoyed as both felix and rahim shot him questioning looks, and he rolled his eyes.

“it’s just…benji, are you really sure you wanna hang out with the basketball guys for another hour? i thought you hated sports.” felix chimed in, a sincere look of worry on his face. benji didn’t even bother justifying himself, instead choosing to simply nod. felix and rahim shared a glance before rahim just crossed his arms.

“fine then, it’s your funeral. but seriously, don’t complain in the groupchat about it, okay? i can barely handle pilar going on and on about her gym stuff.” rahim said with a less than subtle sigh, shaking his head dramatically and continuing to walk. felix followed behind, and once they were at the parking lot, benji gave his goodbyes before returning to the direction of the locker rooms.

he would be a liar to say he didn’t completely regret his decision after walking on his own. he hadn’t really had the chance to process the fact that he was surrounding himself with a group of near strangers and one guy that he was only sort of close with, and even worse, he would be showing how painfully unathletic he actually was. so many things could go horribly wrong, but of course, he had to have been swayed with the prettiest guy in the world.

god.

he shook his head as he approached the locker rooms quietly, his walking slowing down as he heard voices from the inside.

“benji campbell? the junior?”

“yeah, that guy.”

“is he good at basketball? i’ve literally never seen him play before.”

“no idea, but he looks like he’s got some muscle? kind of short, but if he’s good, it doesn’t matter.”

“i’m sure he’s…nice, but i want to actually be able to win if something gets fucked up with the team.”

“i didn’t even know gay people liked sports. maybe he’s ass at ‘em.”

benji hesitated before his hands tightened, nails digging crescent shapes into his palms as he stepped into the locker room, effectively silencing all conversation that had been happening. all eyes were on him and benji felt his stomach drop deep enough where he felt sick. victor, who had been sitting on one of the benches, stood up. “hey,” he said, trying to defuse the pretty awkward situation.

benji would have appreciated the sentiment more if he didn’t feel eyes burning into him. “hey.”

the silence was the worst part afterwards, because in any other situation, he would’ve felt flushed underneath victor’s stare. in this scenario, however, he felt judgment and questions in the air from every other member of the team, practically waiting to rip him apart. had this really been a mistake? had he just thrown himself in to the same kind of people that had made his life a living hell in his sophomore year?

after the pause that was the terrible moment of frozen time, the conversation began to slowly pick back up, as if reverting to a point where benji hadn’t existed. he felt as if he was slipping into the background, discomfort becoming heavier and heavier until he felt a hand on his shoulder, an arm slinking around him comfortably. he flicked his head to look at the figure with wide eyes, completely really to shove him off, before he melted underneath the gaze of who it was.

“you feeling okay?” victor asked with a caring look, giving a squeeze that caused benji’s heart to pound. was it possible that victor heard it over the constant conversation filling up the entire room? benji just ended up swallowing hard, mustering up a nod.

“yeah, uh, just…getting used to everything.” benji offered as an excuse, trying to ignore the fact that it felt like his entire body was on the brink of molecularly combusting.

“haha, it’s a lot to take in at first.” victor agreed, pulling his arm back. benji actively put effort into not making a noise of disappointment, just breathing in and smiling. “but hey, why don’t we try some one on one practice on the court? i don’t think coach would mind, especially since you’re new.”

oh. oh, they were doing that right now. practicing with just victor. cool, he could handle that.

“yeah,” benji answered, hoping that his voice didn’t just raise up an octave. “that works with me.”

“great! i’ll give coach a heads up, but uh, i’ll walk with you.” victor said warmly, nudging benji’s shoulder with his own before nodding his head forward, motioning for the both of them to start walking.

the rest of the team was already in front of them, but benji found himself too utterly entranced with victor to actually notice. it was a bit nerve-racking to stand there while victor explained to the coach that he found a player and was hoping to help him get used to the mechanics of everything, and benji could practically feel the coach scanning him up and down, as if checking to see if there was even an ounce of athletic capability in him. and, sure, benji was pretty vocal in his distaste for sports of any degree, but he figured that he at least looked like he could handle himself in one. it wasn’t like he was a complete twig or something. after a few hums of thought, coach ford gave a nod of approval, patting victor’s arm with a grin that was all too wide. ”go for it, salazar!” is what he had said, but in all honesty, it felt more like a message to benji.

and now there they stood, on one of the empty courts while the rest of the team occupied the one farthest from them. it looked as if the coach was barking instructions and critiques at them, but it all just sounded like underwater gibberish to benji from the distance they were at. plus, it felt harder to focus when he had someone more important to be paying attention to.

the two started off simple, just victor asking benji to do a few things to see where he was at with aim and ability to throw, and not much to benji’s surprise, he was pretty terrible at it. he felt uncomfortable holding the ball, and even more uncomfortable trying to throw it at the net. most of the throws he made were completely off, and he had to avoid victor’s eyes to hide away his embarrassment.

“maybe this was a bad idea,” benji mumbled, bringing his hand into his hair and running it through the brownish blond locks. “there’s no way i can do this while running and being surrounded by a bunch of guys who are actively trying to stop me.”

victor had rushed over to benji at the moment, shaking his head. “hey, everyone starts like this.” he said, face shifted into the one that benji recognized all too well: his i need to think about what to say so i don’t mess this up face. “and like i said before, it’s just a school sport. it’s all for fun.” benji bit back his reply that he couldn’t possibly see how this could be fun, but victor seemed to catch the look on his face. “sorry, i really did just drag you into this, didn’t i? you don’t have to keep going if you don’t—“

“no! no, that’s not it.” benji interrupted with panicked eyes, one hand lifting in an almost reflexive instinct. “i like it, really. i just think i’d like it more if i could actually get a ball in.” he said, only half-lying.

“ah, yeah.” victor muttered, a bit of thought in his voice before an idea seemed to pop in his mind. he picked up the ball, placing it into benji’s hands before he slotted himself behind him, wrapping his arm’s around benji’s.

“what the fuck is happening?” benji questioned in his mind, breath seeming to clog up in his windpipe as his muscles stiffened. “vic—“

“here, try holding it like this.” victor instructed, his hands adjusting over benji’s to fix the way he was carrying it. “and relax your body, it becomes so much easier once you can just sort of throw your entire self into it.” that was easier said than done. benji took a deep breath, letting his shoulders slump with his exhale. “yeah, just like that. now, when you throw…” victor adjusted both his and benji’s arms before guiding benji in throwing the ball. it went straight into the hoop easily, bouncing as it collided with the ground afterwards. “see? easy, right?”

benji didn’t have the heart to say he hadn’t processed a single thing that wasn’t victor’s chest against his back and his hands over his own. “yeah, easy.” he repeated breathlessly, blinking a little harder than he needed to when victor pulled away to get the ball. he passed it over to benji, an almost hopeful sparkle in his eyes. “try again?”

not wanting to let down victor’s expectations, benji tried to actually rack up the form that he was positioned to have, and he did his damn best to recreate the moment. it wasn’t perfect, far from it, but the ball still stumbled into the net, bringing a wide smile to victor’s face. “you’re a natural!” he praised, making benji’s stomach flip twice over.

he was fucked. he was so, so fucked. but hey! maybe he could just… adjust to this.

and adjust he did, but it certainly took time.

the first week of practice was absolutely agonizing. working out at the gym frequently was nothing compared to sports conditioning and constant movement, especially paired with a lot of sweaty jocks who all knew what they were doing. he, on the other hand, did not. he could only try to replicate their movements, but most of the time, he got fouled or called out and told to take a rest and sit down— not that he was complaining about that. plus, during the breaks, victor was always sure to sit with him (benji tried to avoid looking at him, because only god knew what sort of gay thoughts he’d be having if he stared) and keep him company, encouraging him and telling him he was doing great. benji knew it was mostly out of politeness and not actual truth, but he thanked him every time anyway.

the second week had been much worse. what was supposed to be after school practice had been changed to occasional morning practice for everyone's supposed “convenience,” but that just meant he was forced to wake up at the crack of dawn to arrive to practice. not only was benji the farthest thing from a morning person, but he was also cranky when he was tired. he could hardly stand the presence of other human beings that early in the morning, and the only thing that really woke him up was how cute victor looked when he was tired, yawning as he opened his locker and rubbed at his eyes. his hair always had just the right amount of messiness to it, and benji always resisted the urge to reach up and touch it.

the third week was better. benji was, much to his dismay, growing much more used to the sleeping schedule that he had to develop to fit basketball, and it was the time where they focused mostly on partner drills. in most occasions, this would be the worst since clearly no one would want to partner with the gay kid who wasn't even good at basketball, but victor always stepped up. victor, the team star who everyone wanted to practice with, would always bound up to benji and ask if he wanted to partner up, always making it sound as if benji were the one that was amazing at the sport. the two would always have easy conversation during these drills, and benji found himself to have a surprising amount of fun.

by the fourth week, benji had settled in more with the team. what used to be huddles that went on without him had turned into huddles that waited for him to catch up and join before they yelled and screamed. a couple members of the team had even offered to give benji a few tips, which was a welcome surprise.

one of the most prevalent shocks was andrew, the member that victor was probably closest to. at first, benji had felt off about the guy since he was the team captain and gave generally off vibes, but he discovered that andrew was weirdly sweet. he and victor got along incredibly well, constantly cracking jokes at each other and talking about things that were strangely deep at times after practice, and benji was welcomed quite kindly after the second week. andrew had told him he was “unsure” because he “didn't know if benji was really interested in basketball,” and he had explained how he just really wanted people who were actually passionate about the sport to join. benji had swallowed down his guilt when told this, just quietly nodding and agreeing as if he were there for just that.

it was after one solo practice after school between victor and benji that he received a text. the two had been chatting, laughing as they talked to each other on the way to the locker room when benji felt his phone buzz. he didn't think much of it, but when he checked who had sent it, he practically felt his heart sink with something heavy.

derek

you're at basketball right

come see me after you're done

at the usual classroom

benji

why?

derek

benji, please

i just want to talk.

benji

fine

benji didn't say a word as he shoved his phone into his pocket, body feeling all too anxious to actively acknowledge victor. he gave nothing but a curt nod before nearly rushing out of the locker room, hands curled up into tight fists at his sides as he entered the practically empty school building.

the hallways that were usually bustling with life were eerily silent, not a student in sight. it felt as if the walls were silently mocking him, whispering how this entire thing was a big mistake and that he’d regret going to see derek. part of benji agreed with that sentiment, but he figured there could maybe be some closure with this entire thing. plus, if he didn't go, there was a possibility that he’d die of curiosity from not hearing out just what it was that derek had to say to him.

when he got to the classroom, he saw derek standing there, not even using his phone. it was like he was just staring at the door, anticipating benji’s arrival.

“you’re wearing a jacket?” derek asked, pricking annoyance into benji’s system.

“why does that matter?”

“don’t be sensitive.”

benji’s eyebrow twitched with more frustration, and he held back the urge to let out a sigh of anger. “what do you want, derek?” he watched carefully as derek drew a breath in, stepping forward and reaching his hand forward to cup benji’s cheek. immediately, benji pushed his hand away, taking a step back to extend their distance. “don't touch me.”

a scoff fell from derek’s lips, perhaps one of disbelief. “what’s your problem? i’m trying to be nice here. isn't this the sort of thing you like?”

“the sort of thing i like is you respecting what i asked. i said i don't wanna meet up anymore.” benji corrected, crossing his arms against his abdomen. his fingers dug into his forearms, bringing a dulling sense that allowed him to stay in reality.

“i don't believe you.” derek said without missing a beat, causing benji’s eyes to go wide with shock.

“wh—what?” benji stuttered out in disbelief, staring up at him.

“you're just scared of us getting caught.” the reply was said with an air of confidence that benji couldn't even believe was real.

“that’s just bullshit,” benji corrected harshly, eyebrows furrowed. “why would i care if we got caught? i’m literally out, and you are too. it was your idea to keep it a secret, and not to mention you have a boyfriend.” the mention of this made derek tense up, and benji shoved down the hurt that what he saw wasn't just some fucked up misunderstanding. “thanks for the honesty about that, by the way. really enjoyed the way you told me— oh, but you didn't.”

“it was just a casual thing.” derek stated, seeming to gain his composure, but benji had known him long enough to recognize the anger lining his features. “it’s total heteronormative bullshit that we have to stick with one person for the entire span of everything. we’re in highschool, benji, and you can't be mad that i wanted to see what it was like with a college guy.”

benji practically jaw nearly dropped at the outrageous statement, his back straightening. “yes i fucking can.” he shot back. “i don’t care if you wanted to see a college guy, but you should've ended it with me first. shit, it would've sucked, but i would've supported you to figure out whatever the hell it is you what.” his breathing started to get more heavy, his fingers digging deeper into his arms. “and you know what? being with you has been so…tiring! we fight all the time, and i feel like i can never do anything without you judging me or making me feel like absolute shit about it. not to mention that our relationship runs on your schedule. we meet whenever and wherever you want, and if i have something to say about it, it doesn't even matter.”

“well, it’s not like anyone else is going to want you.”

those words hit benji hard. his blood felt like it was suddenly running cold, and he had the almost pounding need to get something burning into his system, something strong enough to make his brain fuzzy. he had always feared that after derek, there would be no one else who would want to put up with all of his shit, but to actually hear the words spoken aloud was a completely different story.

“you're seventeen and have a drinking problem. you’re moody, not to mention you become a total asshole whenever you’re embarrassed or something, and you think that all the overdramatic shit you see in straight television is the only way to show someone you care about them.” derek continued, pressing into each and every one of benji’s insecurities. his arms slowly fell to his sides, but he didn't even have the time to process it before there were hands on his shoulders, pushing him against the wall.

suddenly, there were lips against his own and all he knew was that he didn't want them there. he tried to push derek off, eyes shut with panic. “derek— get off of me—”

“no,” derek muttered between forced kisses. “i know you like me.”

“no, stop!” benji persisted, pushing even harder before getting the same amount of force in return. he grunted from his back being pushed painfully against the wall behind him, panic beginning to set into every trace of his body.

“just give me some time, benji,” derek continued, more kisses being set down despite benji’s objections. “i like you, i only like you, i’ll figure it out, i—”

before another kiss could be given, benji felt the weight of derek get pulled off of him in a quick instant. relief flooded over him as he watched derek get grabbed from behind his collar, thrown out into the hallway by a panting victor.

benji blinked in surprise, staring at the sight of derek on the ground and victor standing in front of the doorway, glaring at him. “he said stop.” the words fell with a shroud of a heavy exerted breath, his fists clenched tightly. “so fuck off.” the look on victor’s face was almost scary, as if he were only one small tick away from lunging at derek.

derek was staring back with a glare that was nowhere near as venomous as victor’s, but he scrambled off the ground, turning around and storming off without a word. benji figured it was because he didn't want to have to explain or justify his now past secret relationship with benji, and it was just easier to walk away and pretend nothing happened.

once he was gone, victor looked over to benji, worry filling his once anger-filled expression. “are…are you okay?”

there were so many answers, yet not a single one of them felt like the right one. he just looked at victor with watery eyes, filled with embarrassment that the whole thing had been seen by him of all people. “how much of that did you hear?”

victor pursed his lips. “kind of all of it.” he admitted. “i’m really sorry,” he apologized quickly, seeming truthful. “truth is, in the locker rooms you seemed kind of off, so i was gonna check in on you but then you left and went back into the school. i guess i just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

shame was abundantly clear in benji’s mind, and his gaze met the ground. “god, i’m sorry. i’m…really embarrassed you heard all that.” his voice was shakier than intended, and he shook his head in an attempt to regain composure.

“no no no! you have nothing to be sorry about.” victor refuted easily, the words bringing benji’s gaze up. “if anything, he should be sorry for doing that to you in the first place.” it was weird having this validation said to him, and benji didn't actually let any words come out of him, but he smiled. it was small, but filled with more warmth than any of the big ones he gave derek. before he knew it, victor had taken his hand. “let’s get out of here before we get locked up.” he suggested, nodding his head towards the door. benji returned the nod, letting himself get dragged away by the crush he was certain he was falling more and more for.

when he laid in bed, all he could think about was the way that victor had looked at him before they went their separate ways to go home. his smile had been so subtle in the most comforting way, and he had even given a hug that seemed as though it was reserved for only him. the warmth of it still lingered over benji, the little flutters in his stomach lasting far longer than the actual hug did. it genuinely felt impossible to have actually met a guy who was kind, good looking, funny, athletic, and just seemingly perfect; but, of course, there were the flaws, the most transparent one being that he was probably a straight guy who had plenty of pretty girls to choose from. the second one was that it was his friend’s brother,how was she going to react to that? that wouldn't be a fun one to explain.

but, that wasn't his problem at the moment. what was his problem was trying to decide what sort of text to send to victor. he had their messages open, something they only had because pilar had given him her brother's number for emergencies, but it was now to induce stress about sending the absolute perfect message for victor.

was he supposed to say thanks and that he'd return the favor? how was he supposed to return something like that? benji knew that stuff like this weren't exactly supposed to be intricately thought out, but he still wanted it to be good enough to the point where victor could still see his gratitude. so, he opted for something simple.

with a nervous breath, he slowly brought his thumb up and pressed send.

benji

thank you x