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Zhou Zishu knows what it means to wake up and feel this kind of nausea. Luckily, it's one that goes away if he doesn't move a single inch for five minutes, allowing his stomach to settle as he struggles to breathe through everything. He didn't always get that chance with Jin Wang, his cousin, always intent on getting what he saw as his right as an alpha from Zhou Zishu, but even his cousin allowed him the chance of a peaceful morning when he realized the consequences of not giving it to him. He normally would have been furious at his biological impulses if it weren't for how a child was absolutely everything that Jin Wang wanted from Zhou Zishu.
Not a child because he wanted to raise a new life in this world or felt personal joy in becoming a parent, of course. That would be insane to desire from a man who has fun raping Zhou Zishu without any prep because he enjoys the feeling of blood around his cock. No, he wants a child because a child would ensure Zhou Zishu would never leave him.
Zhou Zishu wishes he had been wrong. He thinks he wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for Han Ying. Even as he planned his escape, he realized how well Jin Wang had trapped him in this prison. His throat tightens with pain when he remembers the months of pregnancy he had spent living in fear, the months that had grown longer and longer when it came close to giving birth. Han Ying had tried to help him then, already able to tell that something was so, so wrong, but it didn’t help much. Jin Wang had gotten him away, and Zhou Zishu had agreed to it without realizing why he was doing so.
It wasn’t until he was in this apartment that he realized he was trapped.
He had been so excited to hold A-Zhong in his arms, but every day was a reminder that soon, it wouldn't be just him trapped in this hell if he couldn't find a way out. She would be with him every step of the way, and losing her was not an option. He knew which one he would choose if it came down to his freedom or protecting him. Years of pain just to prevent her from being trapped without a mother, whether from Jin Wang kidnapping her or killing Zhou Zishu.
And if it weren't for Wen Kexing, his Lao Wen, he might have been forced to go back. He remembers that fateful day of his cousin turned up on his door, pounding at it as he demanded to be let in, fear flooding through every inch of Zhou Zishu's body as he fought against the instinct to obey. To obey his alpha, to obey his cousin, to obey his rapist. However you could define it, Zhou Zishu hated how much he wanted to obey.
Obedience is such a terrifying thing when you don't choose to do so.
He shifts in Wen King's grasp, turning over to look at his alpha, who is sleeping soundly. He normally doesn't sleep in this late, but he had been the one to wake up in the middle of the night because of Zhou Zishu's vomiting. He had rubbed his back and soothed him as his stomach rebelled against him.
He wonders if the thought has occurred to Wen Kexing. He hasn't talked much about giving A-Zhong a sibling. It's been one of those things that they both silently agreed would happen one day, but it was a day far in the future.
Zhou Zishu knows that Wen Kexing won't have an issue with having another baby sooner than planned. He's pretty sure why Wen Kexing hasn't earnestly talked about having one now because he wants to give him more to focus on building up the career and life Jin Wang had denied him. He wants to provide Zhou Zishu the world, something terrifying to a man raised to see his alpha as the only world he should want but thrilling in its love.
He places a hand on his stomach. He finds himself hoping that this baby is a boy. He wants to see what it's like to have a son. He strokes it gently, his mind wandering with possibilities until Wen Kexing wakes up next to him. Even that movement is not enough to truly rouse him, his head only turning gently as he stares at his alpha going through his morning routine.
He thinks about how he would look doing that with a baby in his arms, and while his desire has never been high thanks to Jin Wang, and it's only incrementally gotten better after falling in love with Wen Kexing, heat floods through him.
He has a baby inside him. A baby that his alpha put in him. His omega hindbrain is stirring awake after a lifetime spent dormant. A good alpha trusted him to carry and raise his legacy. The thought turns him on more than he ever thought it would. It would disgust him when Jin Wang said those comments, but apparently, Zhou Zishu needed the right alpha to wake up his breeding kink.
When he has the kind of alpha that wakes up in the middle of the night to take care of a crying baby, telling Zhou Zishu to close his eyes because he needs his rest, not yelling at Zhou Zishu to take care of that fucking noise. Angry at him for the child that Zhou Zishu gave him even though he had no control over the fact that it was a girl, and Zhou Zishu adored his little girl from the moment he saw her despite how she came into this world. He doesn't understand how anyone could be disappointed in an infant, but he long ago gave up trying to understand anything about Jin Wang.
He's given up on trying to understand Wen Kexing as well but for different reasons. Just as terrifying reasons, but terrifying in a vastly different way, it almost doesn't feel like the same emotion.
He turns and grabs his phone before he can think about it too deeply, sending off a quick text to the person he needs to hear from most right now.
Gu Xiang.
*
"I'm going to be an aunt again?" she squeals as Zhou Zishu pours sugar into his tea. He normally has a healthy relationship with sweetness, liking it in moderation, but just like with A-Zhong, he finds himself with a horrendous sweet tooth, wanting to take in all the sugar he can. And unlike with A-Zhong, he's not afraid to be told that he can't have sugar because he will already get fat enough. There's no need to make it worse. Something that Zhou Zishu had tried so desperately to pretend didn't make him cry because, at that point, he was already so used to those stupid statements that it didn't really feel like those words should be the ones to make him cry. But in his pregnancy and his despair, he had taken them to heart, and Jin Wang had fucking loved it.
He doesn't mention it to Gu Xiang. He doesn't mention a lot of things to her. People don't need to hear his trauma, especially when she moves the sugar packets closer to him without even thinking about it, just instinct to do something kind for him. It's the kindness he had never expected to find. He had been so afraid of raising A-Zhong, wondering how in the world he could give her kindness when he felt no kindness to be found in his life, and he didn't think he was very kind at that point. He couldn't have survived if he had been kind, and he wasn't sure how to ensure she would survive while being kind.
But now he doesn't have to fear that. Even though Zhou Zishu still doesn't think himself very kind, he knows it won't be all on him to teach her.
Teach them.
Because he will have more than one child, and he doesn't dread it like he always thought.
A hand finds its way to his stomach again, and Gu Xiang squeals in delight.
"We need to buy a pregnancy test," she whispers, acting like they're discussing matters of national security rather than in a coffee shop where no one knows them and no one cares about them. It's more than a little ridiculous, and it fills Zhou Zishu with such joy to have someone like this in his life. To have more than one person like this in his life.
"Okay," he says, snapping the lid back onto his cup. "Let's go."
She gets up faster than he knows it is possible to move.
*
She buys him the pregnancy test. It's already purchased and bagged by the time he makes his way to the front of the store. He had disappeared into the back, staring at the diapers, baby wipes, and formula that a baby would need to survive. It was nothing he hadn't seen before. He had used all this stuff and more when he had A-Zhong, though his memories were vague. He disappeared into himself when A-Zhong was born and didn't remember everything clearly. Jin Wang hadn't hired any nannies, not wanting someone to come in and see the state he had rendered Zhou Zishu into, so it truly had been up to him to ensure that his little girl was taken care of as she deserved. It is something that made him wake up every night feeling like he was a failure for not producing.
He knows now that it was another way for Jin Wang to abuse him as much as that rankles his pride. As much as he didn't think he had any more pride in him to get offended by things like that. It seemed like it was all gone when he was eighteen, and he realized he was trapped in Jin Wang's spiderweb. But it's something that he still feels crawling up his spine, a little voice telling him that his daughter would be better off if he just disappeared and left her in the care of Wen Kexing. Wen Kexing wouldn't fuck her up like Zhou Zishu could.
But then he thinks about how Wen Kexing smiles whenever he sees the two of them on the couch, Zhou Zishu cradling her little body close to his as it washes over him yet again that he carried this little girl inside him for months and gave birth to her, that her little breaths on his body prove that he has done something good for this world because a world without A-Zhong's little smile is not a world that Zhou Zishu thinks he would have been able to survive in for very long. He presses a kiss against her forehead as she shuffles in his arms, letting out a little breath, and then he looks up to see a gaze so full of love that Zhou Zishu is surprised he doesn't feel trapped.
He's surprised that the only thing he feels is freedom, comfort, and security in the fact that he is loved. Love is finally not a cage but a gate to protect him from the harsh world outside of it. Protect the two of them.
And he needs to protect A-Zhong with Wen Kexing. There is no other option as much as it scares him.
He heads up to the front, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands, in a move that he knows Wen Kexing finds adorable, and even if his alpha can't be with him now, Zhou Zishu likes to do the things he likes. Because it makes Zhou Zishu himself happy, it's something that he never thought would make sense to him, but somehow, suddenly, in this moment, it does. Gu Xiang is dancing on her feet as she waits for him near the doors, and he wonders what it will be like to give her even more nieces and nephews.
He thinks that it'll be the most fulfilling thing in the world.
*
She takes him back to the apartment she shares with her boyfriend, and luckily, Cao Weining is not home. Not that Zhou Zishu wouldn't be happy to see the young beta, but Zhou Zishu doesn't want anyone else to find out before Wen Kexing. He just needs someone who isn't his alpha with him, as he finds out because he sometimes worries that maybe he won't be able to give Wen Kexing the children he deserves. He knows he would be perfectly happy if A-Zhong were their only child, just like he knows he wouldn't love any future children more than their daughter. Wen Kexing sees her as his firstborn just as much as she's Zhou Zishu's, and that's why at the end of the day, Zhou Zishu wants to have more children,
He wants to bring children into this world while he knows he will be able to give them a good home.
He had honestly been terrified to handle giving Jin Wang more children. He's honestly terrified of not being able to give Wen Kexing anymore.
He takes the test as quickly as possible, refusing to spend much time considering the possibilities. It could be a way to preserve his sanity. He's not sure. He does know that a part of him feels like it did when he was waiting for the results when he was pregnant with A-Zhong. The sinking feeling in his gut is something that has no place in his body in this day and age, but his mind seems adamant about creating a problem out of nothing. He doesn't know how he can turn off this part of his brain when it's done so well to protect him over the years, but right now, it's only bringing the feeling of trouble. He doesn't know how else to describe it. It's trouble, and it's not warning him of any.
He's been having many of these dilemmas over the past few months as he's realized how much he loves Wen Kexing and how much he's loved in return. They haven't married yet, but it's only a matter of time. Zhou Zishu doesn't want a fancy wedding, but he wants something . Something that proves they are real and in love. He knows that he doesn't need anything when he has Wen King's eyes to look into every day, but Zhou Zishu wants others to see that he has found a man who loves him. An alpha that won't leave him or abuse him. He wants his parents to know that Zhou Zishu has ended up happier than they ever planned when they just handed him over to Jin Wang. He wants his entire family and all their friends to know that Zhou Zishu is wanting for nothing.
He knows that it's petty of him. He knows he should strive to let go of that anger and reach a more enlightened place. He doesn't give a shit right now. He's petty, and he wants the world to burn at moments.
The amazing thing about Wen Kexing is that he would hand him the lighter fluid.
He's pulled out of his thoughts by the buzzing of the alarm, telling him that his answer is ready. He can know if he's going to be a mother again. And now he knows that he wants to be one again. As terrifying as it is. As much as he thinks that he's going to fail. As much as he thinks that he should just leave everything in the dust because he wants too much, and he's asking for the world when he doesn't deserve dust.
Because he knows that he does.
And that has long been the scariest thing to realize.
He stands on trembling legs, stumbling over to the counter to look down at the pregnancy test.
Positive.
He's not surprised, but he still has to curl his fingers around the pewter of the sink to prevent himself from collapsing to the ground as his mind races through everything he needs to do. He needs to get prenatal vitamins. He needs to research how to break it to toddlers they will have a little sibling. He needs to tell Wen Kexing. He needs to stop drinking even though he no longer does it nearly as much as he used to when he was lonely and scared in a big, empty apartment, counting down the minutes until Jin Wang walked through the front door.
"Fuck," he whispers to the air, staring at himself in the mirror. He's a mess, but he knows that Wen Kexing would still call him lovely. Wen Kexing thinks that everything he does is lovely. He doesn't understand it, but he appreciates it all the same. He wonders what it would be like to see whatever Wen Kexing sees when he looks into the mirror, but he truly doesn't think it's possible for humans to love themselves that much. And he knows if he did love himself as Wen Kexing loves him, he would be so arrogant that his head would be dragging on the ground behind him.
He doesn't want that for himself. He wants it for A-Zhong, and he knows she's getting it with Wen Kexing as her father in a way she never would have been able to get with Jin Wang. He would have taken all the steps he could to squash her spirit, and she's so bright that Zhou Zishu doesn't want to think about how much pain she would have to endure to reach the level that Jin Wang would have liked.
He takes a deep breath, pushing himself away from the mirror and grabbing the test before he stumbles into the living room to see Gu Xiang's beaming face. He doesn't know how she figured it out, but it doesn't matter.
"Congratulations," he whispers, and it sounds like it comes from someone else. He can't register that it's his mouth that's moving and his words that he's hearing. He'll have to figure out how to connect his body and soul again later, though. Right now, he just needs to get this out of him. "You're going to be an aunt."
She squeals so loudly that Zhou Zishu has to cover his ears to save his hearing. Suddenly, he's back into his own body like he's never been before, laughing and crying and allowing her to twirl him around the room as he realizes that he's not scared to tell the father of his child that he's pregnant.
*
He returns home to find his daughter in his husband's arms, Wen Kexing cooing at her as he stirs a pot on the stove. She's giggling at whatever he's saying, and it makes something in Zhou Zishu's heart constrict as he thinks about how there should be another baby in Wen King's arms in a year. He won't be able to stir the soup because he'll be so focused on his children, and Zhou Zishu will be forced to cook again. And this time, he'll do it gladly.
Wen Kexing looks up from the soup to meet Zhou Zishu's eyes and smiles widely. Zhou Zishu smiles back at him, his eyes glimmering with happiness, and hopes Wen Kexing doesn't notice. He doesn't want him to panic as he thinks something terrible happened to Zhou Zishu. It's taking both of them some time to recognize his happy tears from his sad ones, but Zhou Zishu hopes they'll soon both know.
He thinks that this baby will definitely help things along.
"A-Zhong," he whispers loudly. "Look who's home."
She whips her head around, screeching when she sees him and stretching her little arms out. "Mama!" she yells, and Zhou Zishu quickly walks towards them to gather her in his arms. She wraps her arms around his neck and clings to him, burying her face into his shoulder. "Hi, Mama," she says again, her volume reduced drastically, and it suddenly seems like all the energy she had throughout has left her body as she closes her eyes.
It's incredible how quickly she can fall asleep at any time other than bedtime.
He raises an eyebrow at Wen Kexing, who smiles indulgently at the two of them. Zhou Zishu honestly doesn't think he could be even more indulgent of them, even if A-Zhong were his flesh and blood. Not even when there is another child in their household; instead, he'll find it within himself to spread his indulgence amongst three people without making them feel like they're missing any of the love he keeps stored in his big heart.
Zhou Zishu knows that Wen Kexing has a past. He also doesn't care about it. There is no past that could make Zhou Zishu give up the love he feels every morning when he wakes up, and perhaps that makes him a terrible person.
He really doesn't give a shit.
"She was having a fun time running around the park earlier," Wen Kexing admits. "I think it just hit her as soon as she felt safe in your arms."
As happy as Zhou Zishu is to hear that, a small part of him burns with jealousy over his daughter having a mother that she can feel so safe with. He wasn't lucky enough to have it, and if the love his mother felt towards him was even half the love he felt towards A-Zhong, he doesn't know how she could allow Jin Wang to have him. He stares at her little face, thinking about how soon she will be a big sister.
The emotions bubbling up in him make him whisper his following words, them getting stuck in his throat for just a second before they push out, almost as painful as delivering A-Zhong was.
"I'm pregnant."
He knows that Wen Kexing will be happy, but he suddenly feels like he is in front of Jin Wang, bracing himself for the hit before he has to listen to him rage in disappointment and grief, feelings that Zhou Zishu can't allow himself to feel or else he'll go insane.
A hand gently lands on his shoulder, then another on his neck, and before he knows it, he's being pulled into a warm embrace while Wen Kexing whispers, "We're going to have another baby?"
Another baby. Yet again proof that he considers A-Zhong completely and totally his child and Zhou ZIshu feels so bad that he seems to doubt him repeatedly, but it's not doubt. It's the joyous need for confirmation that he has what he needs and wants, and he is so close to feeling like this is what he deserves.
"Yeah," Zhou Zishu giggles, the sound falling out of him without permission, but he doesn't mind it so much. He likes to hear himself happy. There sometimes feels like a disconnect between himself and the sound, like his body is remembering something that his mind forgot, and when he hears himself, it's like being forced back into his body. "We're going to have another baby." He clears his throat. "It's so early, though, so we probably shouldn't get too excited."
"Too late," Wen Kexing giggles back as he presses kisses into Zhou Zishu's hair, gripping his waist and twirling him around as much as he can with A-Zhong still in Zhou Zishu's arms. "I feel like I'm about to burst." He laughs. "Another baby. Your baby. My baby. Holy shit, you have my baby inside you." He instantly drops to his knees in front of Zhou Zishu, a position that Jin Wang would never have deigned to be in, but Wen Kexing never looks anything less than the perfect alpha and man when he does it. He places his hands on Zhou Zishu's stomach, staring at it like it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Zhou Zishu is sure at this moment it is.
"Yeah," Zhou Zishu says. "Your baby is inside me."