Chapter Text
"I fucking hate guest lectures." Sirius leans back in his chair as he says it, nearly falling before he props his feet up on the desk in front of him. Somehow, he makes it look cool and effortless in a way that Remus knows he could never pull off himself.
"Who do you think it will be?" James asks, setting his quill next to the parchment he pulled out to take notes. He leans back in his chair as well, though not as far as Sirius, and with no effort to prop his legs up. Which, to be quite frank, is probably for the best. James may be grace personified on a broomstick and able to pull off flawless stunts that should not be humanly possible, but put that man on the ground? Well, safe to say that Remus had learned to be a quick draw and more than once saved James from cracking his head open.
"Probably some daft Ministry wizard who is going to get his rocks off on telling us about knots," Sirius says.
Remus shrugs, unloading his books, the notes from his reading, and his three sheets of parchment for note-taking. "Maybe it won't be so bad. We might actually learn something new."
Sirius nudges James's arm. "Moony just wants the diagrams they gave us last year of the anatomy of secondary genders." James laughs.
"I-what- no." Remus stumbles over the words. "I didn't do anything weird with it! It was just fascinating. I mean, imagine having both a vagina and a prostate."
"What in Merlin’s name are you boys talking about?" Lily asks incredulously, glancing over from her own seat.
“Remus wants diagrams of secondary genders,” Sirius replies.
“NO!” Remus glares at Sirius and turns to Lily. “I just think that the additional anatomy is fascinating. Can you imagine having both sets?”
Lily folds her arms. “Oh yeah, obviously female alphas had the best of it. Penis, clit, G-spot, and prostate?”
Sirius laughs. “Got to collect the whole set?”
Lily shrugs. “Would definitely need a female mate though. No way they all get attention otherwise.”
“You could have two men,” James shrugs. “Then they’d be able to get it.”
Lily smiles teasingly at him. “Yes, it probably would take two men to do the job of a single woman.”
“Yeah! Two would definitely get it done.” James smiles at her like they’ve just agreed on a plan.
Sirius sighs. “James, stop agreeing with her. She’s insulting you.”
James turns to Lily in surprise. “You were?”
Lily presses her lips together, and Mary laughs from over her shoulder. “Merlin, James. How do you even survive in public?”
Remus gives a long-suffering sigh. “It honestly takes so much work to keep him going. Like you wouldn’t believe.”
The door to the classroom opens and Professor McGonagall sweeps in. “Good afternoon, students. Please take your seats.” Just before the door closes behind her, the most beautiful person Remus had ever seen walks into the room behind her.
Well, the second most beautiful, and Remus pointedly does not look to his left as he lets that thought drift through his head. Sirius would get such a big head if Remus said anything of the sort.
“Today, you will have a guest lecturer for History of Magic,” McGonagall says. “Professor Wynburn comes to us from the Ministry of Magic’s Department of Magical History, and they’ve come to give us a lesson on secondary genders. I expect you all to give them the same deference that you would give me. Is that understood?”
A murmuring of agreement echoes around the room, and McGonagall nods once before sweeping back out of the room. In her place is Professor Wynburn, who smiles around before they clap their hands together. “Well, hello everyone. I come every year to give this lesson to the seventh years, so this is the first time we’ve met. My name is Professor Wynburn, and I am the Ministry’s resident expert on the myth of Gwyndolyn the Wicked.”
Remus has a hard time placing Professor Wynburn. They might be nineteen or nine hundred years old. They might be a man or a woman, or perhaps neither at all. It gives them an oddly mythical, ethereal air, and that seems to only enhance the class’s interest in the lesson.
Well, for most of them.
“Why have we not met you before if you’re some sort of expert on this subject?” Rosier asks. “Surely, it’s worth having us taught by competent staff?”
“Perhaps for you it is,” Professor Wynburn replies, “but it’s not much worth my time to repeat the same story to young children who cannot fully understand it. Perhaps, Mr. Rosier, if you’re not able to grasp the full impact of my lesson, you can go sit in with the sixth years when Professor Binns gives them their lesson?”
A murmur goes around the room again. Rosier never told Professor Wynburn his name, and they certainly have not met before. It is impressive, or possibly terrifying, but certainly thrilling.
“Any further questions about my qualifications? No?” Professor Wynburn claps their hands together. “Wonderful. Let’s begin. Who can tell us about the legend of Gwyndolyn the Wicked?”
Remus begins diligently taking notes. Professor Wynburn is, frankly, beautiful, and Remus decides quickly that he wants to get on their good side. Perhaps, if he’s clever enough in class, he can corner Professor Wynburn after class for a more thorough discussion on the matter.
Rebecca Fawley from Ravenclaw raises her hand. “Professor, Gwendolyn the Wicked is responsible for the global suppression of secondary genders.”
“Very good,” Professor Wynburn gives her a glittering smile, and Remus pointedly looks back at his paper to write it down. He’s definitely not jealous. “And what are secondary genders?”
Remus raises his hand, perhaps a bit too fast, but no one but Professor Wynburn notices. “Yes? Mr. Lupin?”
Remus clears his throat and sits a little taller. “Secondary genders are a classification that wix used to have generations ago that divided people down further beyond merely male and female genders.”
“Excellent, Mr. Lupin.” Remus receives his very own bright smile, which Remus returns before looking back to his notes. “Who can tell me what the secondary genders are?”
Chris Fletchly, a Hufflepuff, raises his hand. “Alpha, Omega, and Beta.”
As Professor Wynburn congratulates Fletchly, Remus feels a small ball of paper collide with his head. He sighs and picks up the ball. He looks up to see Sirius smiling at him–that dazzling smile that makes Remus’s stomach twist in knots, which Sirius has no idea about and never will–and nodding at the paper in his hands. Remus gently unfolds it.
Do you think Snivellus would be a Beta? Completely useless and entirely unwanted by all of Wixing society?
Remus barely manages to cover his snort with a cough. He tucks the ball in his pocket and turns back to his notes.
“What does Gwendolyn the Wicked have to do with the suppression of secondary genders?” Professor Wynburn asks, looking around with their arms held wide. “Ms. Evans?”
Lily taps her quill against the table, one hand propping up her head, as she answers. “Gwendolyn the Wicked was an omega who allegedly cursed the world in order to lock away the secondary genders because the alpha she desired wanted another omega. So the legend claims that she forced them to be separated and locked away secondary genders to punish the world.”
Professor Wynburn crosses their arms and leans against the desk, and Remus definitely does not let his eyes linger over the long lines of their legs. “You sound like you don’t believe it.”
Lily leans back in her seat, one elbow propped up on the back of her chair. “Perhaps that’s because I don’t believe it.”
“Why not?” Professor Wynburn asks.
“Here we go,” Terry Mulciber mutters. Remus silently sends an itching hex under his desk toward Mulciber, who begins twitching in his seat.
Lily doesn’t take her eyes off the professor. “Well, it’s ridiculous, frankly. You’re telling me that this witch decided to lock up the two lovers and curse the entire world by taking secondary genders away because, what? She was jealous of him liking another omega? I don’t buy it.”
Professor Wynburn tilts their head to the side, an amused and vaguely proud gesture. “What, you don’t think that a woman could respond that way when she’s spurned by a man?”
Dorcas leans forward. “She could, but she wouldn’t. It would be a waste. Why would she bother when there’s a whole world of better men? Or women, because someone that powerful can definitely do better.”
“The idea of the hysterical woman who burns the man down, because she’s too emotional, is a lie of the patriarchy,” Lily says, to the murmured approval of the girls around her. “No woman would actually act that way. It’s just male fear and subjugation.”
“Oh sure,” Rosier says with a groan. “Generations of wix tradition and lore passed down through the world’s most powerful and influential families, and you want to disregard it because you think women don’t get overly hysterical. Can’t say I’m surprised it’s come from you, Evans.”
Lily rolls her eyes. “You see my point, Professor. If anyone is likely to act out in anger, it would be the man.”
Professor Wynburn raises their hands to silence the loud din of discussion running through the room. “Alright, alright. When we have a legend that is passed down like this, we expect it to go through some modifications and adjustments over time. It is entirely possible that, whatever happened, it’s not exactly as the legend we know today tells us. However, we do know one thing for sure: secondary genders are suppressed.”
As Professor Wynburn is talking Remus feels another ball of paper hit his head and bounce onto the table. He picks it up, but Professor Wynburn catches the movement and traces the source back to Sirius. “Mr. Black. Have something you’d like to share with the class?”
Sirius looks around, and Remus knows he wasn’t paying attention. “Nope,” Sirius says.
“Why don’t you tell me, then, why we know the secondary genders are suppressed and not merely evolved out of our species?” Professor Wynburn raises an eyebrow, still managing to look amused rather than put out.
“Because evidence of secondary genders is still regularly discovered during medical procedures,” Sirius says. “It’s not often that wix go through procedures that would reveal their secondary gender, but when they do, healers have found evidence of uteruses in male-presenting people and retracted penises in female-presenting people. It’s hard to tell a beta male from an alpha male and a beta female from an omega female, but some healers believe they can accurately predict the secondary gender of any wix who submits under the appropriate tests.”
Professor Wynburn looks impressed, like they didn’t expect Sirius to come back with such an intelligent answer. Remus honestly hates that, and Sirius is going to be so smug about it later.
“Did your mummy have you tested then, Black?” Rosier asks. “Go on, tell us you’re a pretty little omega.”
Sirius sits up a little straighter, and suddenly he’s radiating House of Black Fuck Off ™ vibes, and the whole room sits back a bit. He doesn’t do it often–hates that he does it occasionally, honestly–but Remus has always loved this part of Sirius. The part that’s just a bit unhinged when challenged. “I’m a bloody alpha, Rosier. As you well know. The House of Black doesn’t produce omega men.”
A shudder goes through the room, and Professor Wynburn clears their throat. “Alright, it’s largely irrelevant because there have been no methods proven effective in identifying alpha or omega presentation since secondary genders are suppressed. Let’s get back to the lesson, hm? What else do we know about Gwendolyn the Wicked?”
Remus unfurls the ball Sirius tossed at him. What about me? Think I’d make a sexy alpha? Remus tucks it away in his pocket, refusing to look up at Sirius again.
The rest of class passes quickly, and at the end, Remus tries to slowly pack up his supplies so that he can be the last in the room with Professor Wynburn. He’s come up with a brilliant follow-up question–something that Remus is certain will show his understanding of the subject. Unfortunately, Professor Wynburn is surrounded by a group of girls who are all chattering away. The professor looks as equally charmed as they had earlier, and Remus’s stomach sinks a bit. Perhaps they aren’t interested in men anyway.
“Tough luck, Moons.” James throws an arm around his shoulders. “They’re busy. Let’s head to lunch.”
Remus walks between James and Sirius on the way back to lunch. James is talking a mile a minute, catching and releasing a snitch as he does it. Sometimes it gets a bit farther away from him, and he has to lunge into Remus or Sirius’s space to get it, but neither of them mind. Remus has been used to James invading his space for years.
“Wynburn was fit, that’s for sure,” James says. “Wish all our guest lecturers were that good-looking.”
Sirius huffs, slings his bag over his shoulder. “Don’t see why we have to kick up such a fuss about secondary genders. They’re gone, and it’s for the best. We could have lessons on more interesting things.”
“They’re so interesting, though,” Remus objects.
“Maybe for you,” Sirius grumbles, with a very traditional Black scowl on his face. “I, for one, don’t want to be an alpha surrounded by simpering omegas.”
“I’d be your simpering omega,” James says, leaning in close and batting his eyelashes at Sirius. “Ride your knot all day, Pads.”
“You’re disgusting,” Lily says behind them. Remus looks over his shoulder and smiles at her. Mary is on one side of her, Marlene and Dorcas on the other. “No one wants to ride Black’s knot.”
“I think quite a few people would want to ride Sirius’s knot,” James protests, looking offended, as he always is when a friend’s honor is called to question. “Why, I certainly would.”
“You’d die for my knot,” Sirius says, but there’s no heat to it, and Lily just rolls her eyes.
“I think I’d be the one knotting you, Black. You have omega vibes,” Lily says. Unlike when Rosier said it, Sirius doesn’t tense up; he laughs, and Remus is not transfixed by the sound of it, or by James over his shoulder, beaming in delight that they’re all getting along.
“Lily would absolutely be an alpha,” Marlene says.
“Lily already is an alpha,” Mary says.
“Why thank you, Mary,” Lily says. She winks at Mary. “And what would you be?”
“I think I’d make a good omega,” Mary says. “I’d use my powers of allure to draw in wicked alphas so you could hold them accountable for their crimes.”
“I’ll join your omega crew, but I want to be part of a harem,” Marlene announces. “I want a service alpha. Feed me food and fan me and the like.”
“I already feed you and fan you,” Dorcas says, rolling their eyes.
“But now I’d be part of a harem,” Marlene insists.
“You hate sharing attention, Marly,” Dorcas says.
“You once bit me because I talked to Dorcas when they were braiding your hair,” Sirius says.
“Harem,” Marlene says, stomping her foot.
“Marlene wants to be a part of a harem, so a part of a harem she shall be,” Lily says sagely.
“Thank you, Lilian,” Marlene sniffs.
“Is your name really Lilian?” James asks, his eyes wide behind his glasses.
Lily shakes her head. “Marlene just likes to call me that.”
“Because she’s such an esteemed lady,” Marlene says, wrapping her arms around Lily’s middle and squeezing. Lily laughs and kisses the top of Marlene’s head.
“What do you think you’d be, Remus?” Lily asks. Marlene is still hanging on her, but Lily doesn’t seem to mind, just shifts her bag so it doesn’t disrupt Marlene’s gait.
Remus shrugs, picking at the hem of his jumper. “Honestly? Probably a beta.”
“What!” James squawks.
“No way,” Sirius says, shaking his head fervently.
“Give yourself some credit, Lupin,” Mary says.
Remus shrugs. “B for boring, right? I don’t think I’d make much of an omega.”
“I can’t see you begging for a knot,” Dorcas agrees.
“I can,” James says, waggling his eyebrows.
“You’d be an alpha,” Sirius insists. Remus glances at him, and Sirius is looking at him with unusual earnestness. “And you’d be a good one.”
Remus flushes despite himself. He swallows. “Well, thanks, I suppose. Not like we’re going to find out anytime soon.”
“Which is tragic,” James sighs. He uses one arm—thick, well-muscled, a lifetime of Quidditch training leaving him toned and gorgeous, not that Remus is looking—to hold open the door to the Great Hall. “After you, ladies and gents and other folks.”
Sirius mock bows before he goes in, James bows back, and Remus has to push Sirius through the doorway so the rest of them can get in. A few second years skitter out of their way, which might be because Sirius is with them, or might be because Lily is Head Girl and James is Head Boy, or might be because Marlene looks vaguely menacing on any given day. Either way, it’s easy to find seating together, although Mary is squished between Marlene and Lily.
“What’s on the docket for today?” Lily asks, nudging Remus with her foot. Beside him, Sirius makes eye contact with someone at the Slytherin table and immediately bristles, half-rising out of his seat. Remus yanks him back down.
“Joining James at Quidditch practice,” Remus says. Sirius tries to rise again and Remus elbows him. “ Sit , Padfoot.”
“Evan Rosier is trying to hex that first year under the table,” James says.
“I’m going to pull his skin off,” Sirius says darkly.
Lily flicks her wand at her napkin, which immediately folds itself into an ornate paper swan and flies off towards McGonagall. A moment later, a sharp, “Rosier, twenty points from Slytherin, and I’ll thank you to pocket your wand,” rings put across the Great Hall.
“No need for violence,” Lily says cheerfully.
“I wanted the violence,” Sirius says.
“Our dark wizard,” James says affectionately, tousling Sirius’s hair.
“Are you two admitting you’re in love yet?” Dorcas asks. “Or is this still a truth we’re not saying aloud?”
“I love Sirius,” James says.
“I’m straight,” Sirius says.
Marlene immediately begins choking on her sandwich, and both Mary and Dorcas have to thump her back. Sirius glares at her as she chokes and coughs dramatically. It gets so loud that even McGonagall comes over, flourishing her wand. “Really, McKinnon,” she says with a sigh. “Take smaller bites.”
“Sorry, professor,” Marlene wheezes. “Something surprised me.”
“Shut up,” Sirius hisses.
“A big shock,” Marlene goes on. “You might say I couldn’t believe it.”
Sirius kicks her under the table. Marlene kicks him back and then they just keep kicking until they’re just flailing at each other furiously. Marlene snatches up her sandwich and makes to fling it at Sirius, and it’s only Dorcas’s hand on her wrist that restrains her.
“Get it together, you two!” Lily orders. “Honestly, this is why everyone thinks you’re dating.”
“Sirius, don’t you have that meeting with your-“ Remus hesitates. He’s almost said brother, because that’s exactly what Sirius is going to do, but for some reason, Blacks aren’t allowed to admit to meeting each other. James catches Remus’s eye and shakes his head. “Your banker,” Remus finishes stupidly.
Sirius looks at him and then down to his watch and gives a little huff. “ Yes. I have a banking meeting.”
“Is he handsome?” Marlene asks.
“Marlene!” Lily hisses. Mary laughs.
“I’ll tell your mum you eat out Dorcas after every Quidditch game, so help me I will,” Sirius snaps, rising to his feet. Marlene offers him a sweet smile, and Sirius flips her two fingers.
Remus rubs the bridge of his nose. They’ll have made up by dinnertime. “Come on, Prongs. We should get to practice.”
“I’m coming,” Dorcas announces.
“I would too, if I was getting sexual favors,” Mary says.
“I come for the sport,” Dorcas lies, rising to their feet.
Remus shoots Lily a help me look. She shrugs. “I guess Mary and I will just sit here and peacefully eat our lunch.”
“Traitor,” Remus mutters.
“Have fun!” Lily says. Remus groans as he hefts up his bag and follows James, Marlene and Dorcas out towards the Quidditch Pitch.