Work Text:
- IDENTIFY LOCATION: MACBETH - INTER-DIMENSIONAL IDENTIFICATION CONFIRMED : HVRA0616-9H-0.616a
- ---INTER-UNIVERSAL DOORWAY ENTRY POINT H0.616a : OBSERVATIONAL STATUS - TVA INTERFERENCE: MULTIPLE INCURSIONS DETECTED
- CURRENT TVA INCURSION RESPONSE STATUS : CONTESTING FORCES REPELLED - IN REMISSION.
- ----ABOLESA ASTEROID RINGS, SECTOR 7r-X: SMITH'S RUN : RURAL AREA DETECTED - VISITATION RESTRICTED
- ---KNOWN DOMESTIC TIME VARIANCE - APRIL, 2018 - 8:11 PM GST
" The very substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream."
- (Guildenstern, Hamlet : Act 2 Scene 2)
=}{STRANGE}{=
The last thirteen hours since Stephen and Loki, had been woken by Thor hammering the back end of Stormbreaker against the front door; had not left any room at all to reconcile where and in what position Strange had done that waking up.
They had gone from hopping down the stairs to stop the external disturbance at something like four forty in the morning, to prying out that Thor's reasoning for literally banging on their door before five in the morning was actually -- besides the overly elongated and immediate attempt to argue Loki into abandoning his new and may be temporary place as London's Sanctum Master to help rebuild Asgard a second time -- instead of managing that rebuild himself still; had actually been his second stop: after London... and had a valid reason behind seeking Loki in particular out.
Valid enough, and unrealized and unmentioned enough on Earth in particular as it turned out: that Stephen was truthfully, still wrapping his head around how he was once again off planet and inside one of Loki's own space craft: instead of using a portal or three to get to what remains of Asgard the Trickster had hastily pulled together over a week ago whilst still in Wakanda for the otherwise homeless Asgardian refugees to settle on: then, purely to shut Thor up about it in the aftermath. Or, at least; that was how Stephen had taken it, back then.
Now, however?
Well.
Keeping to Loki's agreement and informing the Avengers Compound -- specifically Bruce, and the other Sanctum Masters that; they were in fact going with Thor even briefly.. had and was still resulting in Strange's lack of knowledge about his post-mortem-assigned mentor becoming not only that much more glaring an annoyance : managed to put too many facts Stephen hadn't been aware enough of to help remove the growing feeling of regret. Or, the other three sensations that seemed to be rising that much more alongside it: curiosity, an odd sort of new understanding held openly --by Loki standards-- right there in his reach, and finally?
The small bit of pride Stephen found rising up whenever Loki not only made no effort to slide any of that out of his view as he often did with others and had prior to their conversation yesternight; but had at times insisted that Stephen stay with him through the entire process and the conversations involved, whether others tried to exclude him or not.
Stephen had already been told outright, if often as an aside that Loki was an illusory and spatial sorcerer of grand accomplishment; yes. Greatest mage in his generation.
But Stephen had also, never really thought about what that actually meant.
He hadn't thought about how impossibly long compared to a Midgardian-Human generation; that Asgardian generation was from a species that lived five thousand years, or; bridging what other renowned generation --Odin and especially in this case Frigga's-- that greatest mage in title, applied to.
Stephen hadn't taken into account, what that greater span of life and measure of it's accomplishments in learning alone really would mean, when translated to human terms either. While he had started to brush at these things, in admitting and understanding that Loki's life and visits over the eras overlapped with that similar lifespan of his previous mentor The Ancient One: the depth of what that meant outside of how it affected Stephen himself, and the Order in particular had somehow eluded his notice for it's immensity and reach.
Throughout the course of the day however?
Chasing down the Vamathir, and Joshua Walsh's elder uncle to serve as his own fill in in London closer to his own home, while MacAvoy watched New York, Wong took Beijing, and Hamir was largely still in charge of the small committee of remaining Masters in Kamar-Taj: then running back to New York, arguing with Stark about whether or not a half team was going with them -- which Stephen helped Loki whittle down to a total of two tag-alongs before the Trickster himself gave up the argument, and finally redirecting six more of his ships to take out there?
The fact that the mentor Celt had picked out for him and insisted on Stephen having was well and beyond learned enough and worthy as one: was becoming that much more exceedingly clear. From even just the aspect of delivering the ability to travel with stability beyond a more dangerous, 'blind' portal taken into account: it was not very difficult once in front of him to recognize that Loki was not just a good choice: he was the best choice in their reach, who might have agreed. Or, as he had proven to date: seemed to feel obligated to do so once those posthumous wishes had been presented.
Stephen barely had any doubts there was at least a small measure of Loki's own pride there too. There was little denying that, the longer he had to think about it. Strange could admit he saw it from time to time, or heard it in how Loki sometimes spoke about the fact she had in effect left Stephen's learning to him, should he resurface in the aftermath; and especially when he argued both up close and even at that very long distance with Quill about his taking the position requested up: regardless of the sour reception his public visit before last still earned him often and again regardless of even the things they did know now, after Thanos' defeat on Titan.
So here they were, in space again: this time in the ship he had offered but portalled past in getting them to the last battle in Wakanda. On their way to the remnants of Asgard that Loki himself had used what stones they had available to pull mostly back together. Or at least, close enough to it through a then distant portal, to manage something decent enough to at least start to settle and rebuild.
The reason why they weren't using those portals to go there?
It wasn't safe. At all, and especially now.
Asgard's remaining parts had been pushed together and were mostly inhabitable if having to be reworked and revitalized after a few days lacking, well.. wholeness and any atmosphere that was breathable: and not all of those pieces were where they had once been. That in and of itself was not the biggest issue; or why Thor had come by Bifrost to get Loki in particular. Or.. for that matter; why they were taking a small squadron of his ships that Thor's Bifrost could not guarantee a whole and safe delivery of in that number either.
As it stood, why they were going with such horrible timing as far as MotMA and the Avengers was concerned; and where the problem was?
Had been barely glimpsed on a larger scale on Earth and the rest of the nine realms in twenty thirteen during what Asgardians and Midgardians both had been and were calling 'the Convergence.' While far more disruptive and obvious links and lines between the worlds solidified during that five thousand year cycle: that cycle was one part of the question of what was going on at the Ruin of Asgard now: but it wasn't the most prevalent problem. The problem was, that unknown to most and utilized then: were similar invisible natural anomalies that Loki himself had studied and used for most of his life.
And while these doorways between worlds had mostly been stable, explored and known fully to Loki in relation to Asgard and other worlds topography: that topography, the gravity, the atmosphere and more had moved and changed over the past month plus.
Funnily enough --sort of-- with everything else pulling at his attention: Loki admitted he hadn't had time to think about the affect that might have on any surviving invisible doorways of his between worlds from where Asgard used to be: or how pulling it all back together as best he could with an incomplete set of Infinity Stones on the fly might do exactly what it appeared to have done: completely rearranged where they were and may be even where they went.
Twenty seven Asgardians had gone missing before Thor and the other Asgardians out there had realized what might have been happening. Another four had discovered the one potentially shifting doorway and been seen to scouting through it, and not come back from whatever was on it's other side. Loki had thoroughly chastised Thor for approving that unprepared exploration immediately. Well, after Stephen had the mild surprise of watching the raven haired alien mage literally bang his head against the moulding in the foyer a few times between the eventual explanation and the fact he himself had overlooked the possibility, that is.
With Heimdall still recovering, and Skurge injured in Scotland due to a several hundred foot drop over the Tay by the house were-eagle: finding out where in the entire universe known and otherwise those doorways had dropped the missing without preparation was beyond dangerous, with what Bifrost they did have. Not knowing where they were exactly, or having even been there after it's restructuring made not portalling directly into one such invisible doorway a danger that Stephen had not even been aware was a possibility until the arguments started on the way off world.
Which was part of the conversation Tony was still having difficulty wrapping his head around, in a way. Because: " I just am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that you're a space ship mechanic as a result of ... finding and exploring these thingies? " was also mostly a thing. " And you never said a word or nothin'?! Whut. "
Though Bruce had the reason for that down already, enough to have it out of his mouth even before Stephen had finished the thought in his own head, too; because " And at which point during the whole fiasco in twenty twelve, was he supposed to tell us this Tony? " was a very good point. " We didn't even think to ask whether Thanos on the other end of that portal was going to keep coming or not, man. " had Banner's usual grounding sarcastic tone to it that usually and was once again now; managing to pull Stark's extra sass back down into what the reality and problem with that had been, and still was. " I love you Tony, I do. But, in order to have those kinds of answers and conversations; both parties have to be present and engaged in, those conversations and asking those questions... "
" I know..! " didn't stop Bruce from finishing though.
" ..and we, opted out of that potential. Early, early in. "
Nor did the second, slightly down " I know. " either.
" We let Thor take him instead. Hell that's why the situation is what it is, and you're only asking them now. "
" Exactly. " was Tony trying to be more defensive about it than he clearly wanted to be; mostly in pointing out what Stephen had figured out well before their visit yesterday morning. He was uncomfortable with being called out, again; but his tones were admittedly cooling down faster because of, that call out. And maybe partially who it was coming from. " I am, trying; now. Sorry. "
The thing that none of them said or asked, and that Loki's silent end didn't give away; the thing that Stephen had realized that morning, waking up the way he had and with whom?
Was also the question Strange had realized was one of the nearer marks to the real source of his own anger at himself and this situation.
Is it too late?
Do I even have the right to insist on asking these questions now; after pointedly ignoring them, and all the mistreatment I myself took part in as a result?
But especially; especially there was the fact that it probably was far, too late. More so for the fact that over half a decade later knowing this, they had still clung to that hate and aggression in his direction. It had nearly stopped the win, in truth. Slowed it down in arguments and ego-driven self imposed opinions rather than fact, to the point of a stupidity that had nearly cost them half their universe. Regardless of all that; regardless of any of that and the dumb of carrying that on: here he was and there they were: and the reply still came, if late.
" I was interested in building ships well before I built these. Not this sort. But yes, and as I said; discovering the vast differences between lava planets, ice planets, outer space, oceans and more that could kill you exploring them on foot? I continued and pursued becoming a proper shipwright, at first purely to explore them safely. I just so happened to find I loved what I made and discovered through that too. "
That answer as a start; hadn't been what Tony had expected: or Bruce either, any more than Stephen had. That small piece of the personal to it, put enough pause in them in differing flavors of curiosity for him to continue. " Though I didn't understand why he tried to bar me from it then; I do now. I was a Captive Prince and son of his last and most threatening enemy during the Great Wars, whom he didn't want to realize was captive. " was something that had been grazed too, barely in some of the rarer conversations; but not said outright for any of those present, apparently.
" Odin allowing me the knowledge and capability to build craft capable of more easily traversing the stars, and then eventually telling me he'd been lying to and using me as a political hostage for the entirety of my life: what do you think the King of Asgard who did this, and destroyed my born species' civilization to the point it could not rebuild even their captial or palace, would assume I would do with that, after I would learn these facts well into adulthood and be returned home? "
Loki hadn't looked away from his stare at the console in front of him; though his hands had long since stopped working at it. " No, Thor didn't know I defied that in particular; because I didn't want Odin to know: even not knowing the truth of why yet myself. And no, as a man with a curious and playful personality known enough to be called by your people a God of Mischief: I didn't stop doing what I loved just because 'daddy' said so, Stark. Especially not knowing what our relationship actually was, in those days. " seemed to really take the steam out of Tony, as it was.
But the look, and the return; when Loki did finally turn his eyes Tony's way again to ask point blank " Did you ever while your sire was alive, Stark? Stop, doing what you loved: because he said so? " was what finally seemed to nail Tony's mouth properly shut. Whatever words Tony had, were shut behind his closing look meeting that very oddly casual, but seriously posed expression and question.
" No.. I thought not. " the small, breathy pause let Stephen at least, know the next words coming. He still wanted to hear them said though. Banner had a similar look on his face, versus Tony very much looking like once again he had realized he had put his foot in his mouth; with the way in which he went after his answers: and questioned them to the point of denial rather than taking them as was.
Stephen could feel it in the air and the very short space between that and his next sentence though.
The fact that: Stark was starting to grate on his last threads of patience, carrying on like that as he was. " Why then, would you think a young God of Mischief, would: and give away his own small pieces of otherwise denied self-made autonomy in the process? This was mine, is mine. The only thing besides myself that was and still is truly mine, at the end and after the truth of who and what I am was and is known. Odin didn't give me this. Nor Frigga. Not a one of those tainted relationships. And a good thing too. Because the Dark Elves would have ended the universe in twenty and thirteen as you know it otherwise with how Odin was handling things.. and even Thor thick as he was could recognize that back then to take me out of the dungeon and use me for it then, to boot. "
'These are the facts, I am giving to you. They will not change because you want to believe or make up something else:' that was what that heavy near stare between them said.
Along with the words that broke the lack of a reply being: " Stop making me repeat myself. " and " You'll find it's one of the few things that irritates me; and more so when I know very well the person asking is intelligent enough to know better when he's in space; and has forced his way into relying on the proof of it, as his source of oxygen among other things. "
Why do you answer still, after being abandoned with these things; time and again?
The only answer to that particular thought and unasked question, kept Stephen quiet while the other two made their own unnerved and near silent retreat back to the ship they were inhabiting: wasn't an answer at all.
It was another question, torn out of the dreams that; were becoming frustratingly more vivid, the more Stephen grew to know Loki.
A question with too many meanings and applications; that Loki himself only kept half the answer to.. and was keeping Stephen genuinely afraid to ask out loud.
'..are you worthy, of that?'
=TWO HOURS LATER=
Strange still didn't have his answer, when food appeared between his nose and the tome he'd taken to failing at distracting himself with after Stark and Banner's retreat.
The two hadn't appeared again; and time from gate to gate to gate was, as an unfortunate side affect: passing at a tense snail's pace.
" Chicken..? " was, actually in question. Because space, and because no: grocery shopping on the way had not been among the many things checked off of their to-do and set-up lists on the way into the back of the sleek, black arrow of Loki's apparently favorite blade and current ship, the Stiletto. Unsurprisingly to Stephen, the inside was even more neatly ordered, clean and functionally appropriate than his rooms in the Sanctums. Functionally appropriate as a knife that could travel at greater than light speeds; a piece of machinery he himself had designed, built, and modified over the centuries as a simplified home base through whatever world and environment his doorways led him to while exploring them.
" Mm. The potatoes are foriegn; but, edible for most. " was of course small talk away from the conversations they were avoiding starting, after this morning.
Including for Stephen, the very conversation Tony had been nit-picking about before he had taken Loki's hints and Bruce's gentle nudgings and retreated to gather his wits rather than his remaining hard feelings yet again.
Loki's faster breakdown to Bruce --which had been what had set Tony off earlier-- had been he most accurate in feel. If one added the addition of 'looks like it was made by Mercedes Benz on the inside' to it's otherwise feel having been accurately described as 'A needle, of a mildly armed inter-planetary mobile home, aimed specifically to explore the doorways we are headed to search for the missing Asgardians through?' capable of adjusting to and supporting it's pilot and at least some passengers in those other environs Loki had reminded Tony existed, and more; outside of Earth. The Stiletto had been his first. Built on Asgard in secrecy nearly directly after Loki had first figured out how to block Heimdall and his predecessor's sight: in a cave at the back of a comrade's farm: that later, was formed into his very first shipyard. If a small one, he had said.
He had also said since Thor had come to collect them; that he had confirmed Bol Til Saxl had survived Asgard's destruction: much the same way the other chunks he had pulled together had.. but had been thrown out quite a ways and would have to be retrieved. Why, that had been a subject, or a thing he had left behind; came up now.
Maybe it was the conversation last night still giving him courage; or maybe it was hope that, it wasn't to late to at least try? But Strange asked anyway, while he cut into the delicious smelling meal. " If you love building ships so much.. why leave your very first shipyard, free floating in space with three ships and more still in it..? " was in truth, honest curiosity.
Stephen was more sure than not, that the tone and his expression; and maybe again that meeting of understandings the night prior: that managed a much less reactive answer. Amazing, what treating someone at least moderately well, could accomplish; wasn't it. " Well, I am only fifteen hundred. " was not a comment Stephen had an easy time pretending was something someone with his lifespan would find normal. One brow went up even as Loki was chuckling at it's motion and digging into his.. salad? Was he leaving the meat for Strange now? " A third of my likely lifeline. The equivalent of thirty, to you. " was still.. it felt off.
Not because of the vast differences in number, or that he didn't understand that already even if Strange often forgot, even. " For me and that place; leaving something like that to pick up later for a half a century or three? Isn't an issue. "
It was more than that. It was how he looked and behaved, with much more maturity. It was the fact that, for all that and doing the math of when he should be looking it; the all but immortal alien man across from him looked a half decade older or maybe a little more. In fact, having sought out pictures of him taken in twenty twelve; Stephen could say he looked more like a man who had aged in human terms for every year that had passed since. And the growing understanding of why; who had taken him after he had left Asgard, and the torture he had received in order to get after what Thanos wanted because he had the knowledge of the place, the item in question, and the people? Bothered him properly, now.
Stephen ended up staring at his food again as he ate it.
Though, Loki wasn't going to let him sink into his own thoughts again so quickly, apparently. " Don't start stewing again. " was gentled, and up in tone a little. Enough to pull Stephen's eyes back to his face, and see that he had stopped eating entirely to watch him; the wrist attached to the hand that had his fork in it, propping up his jawline over his plate: eyes focused entirely on him. It was unsettling, still; that kind of focus from him. There was something about him, that often made Stephen feel like he was pinned open on an examination table. As if, without even trying; the other man could look right into him, at a glance. Unsettling as that had first felt though?
The good doctor was learning that; there was a kind of comfort to that sensation too.
Not because there wasn't judgement to it. But because the opposite was true; in a better flavor than most might expect or think of.
" I rather liked where we were heading, before you drifted off last night... " as a clear and almost bashful truth given by that flavor of judgement through what pride Loki did have; was turning out to be among the reasons Stephen was growing so comfortable. Or rather, it was probably that Stephen himself allowed himself to notice those gentled differences; rather than color it and Loki himself, with his own and others expectations reflected off of Strange. " ..where did we leave off? Weren't you asking about your Stone, or somewhat. " was a bit of a surprise, in that he didn't actually seem certain.
One thing Stephen had learned he hard way a mere half a day in; Loki had the kind of memory for conversations that Stephen had with text and visuals as someone with a photographic memory. So " Kind of rare for you not to be able to recall a conversation word for word. Unless you were fibbing back then? "
He got what looked like a pink frilly bit of kale flicked at his head for the little tease; but he also got a broad smile, so he didn't really care about dodging it rather than snatching it from the tabletop and examining the alien vegetation. It smelled like lilacs, but a little sweet? And was less spongey than the petals of that flower, on top of being a bright pink lightly veined in purple. " I drifted off not long after scooping you up myself, if you must know. " came at a tone that surprised Stephen if only for the fact it was notably ..sheepish? Bashful, in some charming flavor; in truth. " Else I would have carried you back to your room and bed, over the both of us ending up sleeping tangled on that bench for almost four hours. "
" I didn't mind. " was honest. And looked like it managed to surprise Loki enough to even stop chewing; and silently question it.. since he wasn't the kind to talk with his mouth full either. Yay for enough time to elaborate as a result too, though. " You'd been up and around a lot longer than I had, starting your day out in London and then.. waiting around, for me like that; to take the initiative to try and at least start fixing everything between us. "
" Worth the attempt. " was plain, fast. Too simple for Stephen. Maybe he saw that on his face too, with the way his expression and tone softened. " She chose you. " helped only to try and drag Stephen's stomach towards the floor, though " And so have I, in other places and times.. now that we've already breached that subject, for you to know it clearly, from me. " kept that feeling where it was, rather than letting it sink further. " And among the things she was at the very least, was a good enough judge of character that I can be patient; and try to find the rest of that person in there, to teach him. "
The little point of his fork, before Loki started back in on his salad; didn't keep Stephen from soaking that and all the questions he had missed bubbling towards the surface the first time around; while Loki added on. " She couldn't say.. or wouldn't. But I've seen so many of your futures; though not enough of this. the how you got there. How ..we, might. I try to avoid too many details I don't need: or that might not be actually helpful in that regard..? Eh. " How many other universes had he seen, besides this one, the one Loki had taken control of to make into what it was: to say that? Or to shock him out of asking by saying as an aside " These days, I've too many under my own watch to do much else otherwise, in any case. " and simply move on to asking him " Did you truly not see any other way than that play? In a half an hour? " and " All he had to do was die. I know that's harsh but.. there are lines that no living being should cross never mind be allowed to cross repeatedly and then multiply times the entire universe as a goal: and his obsession was among those he did. "
And, finally caught staring when his raven haired mentor glanced up again. Two whole seconds of just looking at eachother; with the growing sensation that if Stephen didn't say something? he might get the wrong idea.
Because; " I didn't, no. But.. ultimately, I was mad about it then; but you were probably right about my inexperience playing the largest part, there. " seemed to at least get that sharp stillness out of his blue eyes, and get him to readjust his hold on his fork " There was probably.. a little panic I didn't want to admit to, too. " completely drained the danger out of Loki's expression. " Dormammu was; personally costly, as it was a traumatic event for everyone involved, who knew. " was an understatement. But he thought, he had to keep going. Make him understand. " I understand what you're saying why you're saying it, and why that tone with me in particular.. is because you do get that. It's just.. "
Deep breath in, Stephen. And put down the knife and chicken. " Sometimes; it's harder for those of us with shorter life spans, to come to those kinds of understandings quite as broadly and cleanly as you seem to. We tell ourselves.. we don't have time for this, or that; or figuring out the details. " exhale. And say it. " But one thing among many that has had me so angry with myself; is the fact that in process we --and I in particular have managed with you especially-- tend to forget that: those set-aside details? Are a part of what make the truth of the whole; and the whole, of any truth. Whether we personally like or approve of any piece of it, or not. It's.. the worst of dimensions belonging to the ego shaping the keyholes we look at our world, and universe, and people around us: through. Some of us; more than others. Sometimes at the worst times. "
And.. he was sitting back?
Oh. A slow smile.
Past pleased?
Very, very much past it. A full, dimpled; beautiful grin.
" Everyone does that. " wasn't what he expected to come out of that smile; or for it to stay: while he just looked at Stephen with that proud of him, downright joyful expression that almost darted forward to lean forward and almost stage whisper what wasn't a secret, but may as well have been; for how excited he seemed to put it to word, and know Stephen would understand it. " But not everyone realizes, or acts on fixing it in themselves where needed. Only those with the most potential can grasp it. In life.. never you mind magic. "
Before he knew it, Loki was leaning back again with that smile and almost breaking a natural spell that Stephen hadn't even noticed they had managed to cast in those brief moments. Not the kind that involved sorcery; at all. And it clicked, in the same moment he realized why these odd little moments alone, stepping away from all that: made his anger dissipate
Stephen liked him.
And he had wanted, to like him. To know for himself.
And nothing he had been falsely presented as, had allowed him to pursue that in good conscience.
Not without fighting himself over it, or or doing the more conscientious part in trying anyway.
Even without shoving that bias aside as Tony was struggling with doing, still.
" I'm an idiot. " nearly pulled Loki to another standstill, picking up his fork again.
Definitely confused, and with good reason: since " ..I'd say you're smarter than most myself; having picked up on all of that and braver to boot: to understand it well enough to say so out loud? " was an obvious reply from a man who couldn't read Stephen's mind in truth, as far as he knew.
" It's not that.. and, thank you by the way. For the compliments. It's just.. " Stephen decided to start in on his food again too, before it could get cold. It was good. Lemon and butter with bitter-sweet herbs for that perfectly cooked chicken. The purple potato baked perfectly; tasting of melted cheddar, light and skins more than steamy starch all the way through. The peas were perfect too; not a bit of mush and the skins were firm, telling him they were fresh rather than canned. " Most of what I've been sorting out is backlog, of a sort. I haven't had time enough, to process ninety percent of what's happened over the past half a year never mind figure out how to. " garnered a soft 'ah' from Loki that, still gave off the sense he had guessed that much and more: and was only now hearing the full confirmation of which issues had been the worst contributors from Stephen.
" And then.. Titan. And I find out; half of what I'm even trying to process and get through: is framed in bullshit! By the very people I was -- " the doctor couldn't help but cut himself off there. His frustration was showing, and admittedly getting a little loud. " How do you figure out where you stand with someone, even for yourself, properly; when you find out most of what you thought you knew was misinformation, outright lies, and ignored truths left at the wayside along with that person? "
" You're angry at her. "
Was he?
" For not telling you. "
" Yes. " floored Stephen completely, coming to it.
It was so sudden, coming to that; he had to put his food down again; because the tears were coming. And they were as angry, and frustrated, and guilt riddled as they were honestly sad.
Because: " She saved my life. Died protecting me, and Mordo. Spent a year, teaching me. " and so empty. " She stayed out of the New York fight, just like she admitted you asked her to. Kept that Stone, and me safe so I could use it. Made that message before hand, leaving me in that hate while she lived; and it shames me. It shames me, and that's even more shameful for me. I should have tried.. and she should have let me see that was even possible. Before, she left. "
Stephen couldn't even look at him just then.
And because he couldn't; he didn't see the words coming when they did: for them to sideswipe him as if they were partially taken directly out of his dreams.
" Would you have listened? " was an easy, frustratingly contradicting answer to have in only two letters in his own head. But the question " ..were you worthy of that attempt, versus readying you for Dormammu; as you were then? " stopped everything swirling, with the same internal reply.
It got his eyes up as he was still trying to stop their leaking. Just in time to have " She had a year, to make you Sorcerer enough, to deal with a multiversal threat that devoured whole universes at a time. Most of lesser potential whom were and are masters; would have taken twice as much time to come even close: and there is no guarantee as clean as what she saw in you, that they would have done it and avenged her as well as you did. " Thrown at his face to counter it. Not that those things were all that Loki had to say. " What stall would have been created, and walls put up between you as mentor and student; if she had tried to tell you about me and Thanos, then: after your own personal experiences as a surgeon just down the street from the barricade lines in twenty twelve? " was yet another question Stephen didn't want to answer; because his mind had the reply too readily in the negative: and he didn't like it.. never mind the idea of admitting it.
" And then, there was him too: waiting a mere six months in the background of your future; to worry about. Not that she knew how soon he would come, after my warnings; and watching me work the stones apart from her distance on Earth at the time. " Stephen was stuck on listening to him now. Arms folding atop the table between his plate and the edge of it; knowing what he was getting to. Not wanting it; but understanding anyway what he was saying, why he was saying it: and recognizing easily that they had already --in a way-- discussed this.
The Seeds of Time. The only time in their control, being what it was. They had both said it in their own ways. " I know. I haven't forgotten what we talked about last night. Maybe; may be.. the biggest issue I'm having, is reconciling with that fact: that the past can't be changed. Only the present. "
" We call that regret. " was gentled and with an offered conciliatory smile that.. all right; it did make him feel a little better. Huff a sparse soundless laugh, even. " And it has it's uses in this present; even in the pain it can cause. Or rather.. in what the reactions to it and following it, can make you realize and create when you decide to do something about why it's there. " however, was a take Stephen had very nearly forgotten about as a thing, in focusing too hard on trying to suss out that anger and frustration and more itself. " Ah. Now we see that; that human trait you mentioned earlier: might not be among the worst of things. At least.. not when self-moderated appropriately, hm? It wasn't your fault. It wasn't hers either. Nor mine in entirety; though I admit I have allowed some of these things affecting you to lay where they lie and make use of them elsewhere so I could kill him. I am, sorry for that at least. And.. glad she judged you right, for us to be having this conversation: as jagged a terrain as it may be. "
Three words sprung up behind his mouth; but never made it past it.
Instead, Stephen ended up taking up his fork " I.. Thank you. " and taking a deep breath; along with every intention to change the subject towards someone who Strange thought probably was much closer to and deserving of saying those words. " Did you manage to get a hold of Quill yet, by the way? "
A shake of his head, but Stephen knew by the more closed shift in his expression that he'd succeeded in changing the subject; even before the verbal reply. " Still nothing since his mention of chasing Nebula down again after their argument at the memorial. " was also a thing that, Stephen felt a little guilty about starting to feel glad of. " Given they were the other side of Pailene, on her home planet: it's not too surprising. There are fewer galactic nodes out there capable of relaying more than low res picture and shoddy audio. If they're out of range, I won't hear from them until they stop at a more civilized port or relay. "
" The down-sides of intergalactic communication not enhanced by magic across the ever expanding vastness of space? " paused Loki between the bites returning them to eating their cooling meal.
" Aye. That. " though he seemed to have turned his raven haired mentor's thoughts in a very different and wistful direction too; unfortunately.
The quiet, was hitting again.
So, the only thing that he could think to say, to slow that down was " You should sleep after this. We only got what... two or three hours? "
And get downright ribbed with " Perhaps so, but I slept rather well with a warm and at least physically attractive partner in my arms. " and nearly spit his peas knowing full well Loki was talking about him.
He almost wanted to throw the rest of his potato at him. If not for the flavor of the clear tease, then for the fact his more wicked of humored smiles was creeping across his face in taking in Stephen's silence and reaction without even looking at him again. " You royal shit. ' finally made his chuckles come out. " ...wait. Are you saying that's the only attractive feature I've got? "
" Well, I mean... " almost did get that potato chucked at him. Almost. " I'm not attracted to people in that way..? That's more just having a pair of eyes and recognizing you're rather pretty? Your eyes for instance, are a lovely curiosity. Green and blue both; not that it's easy to see unless I get close enough. " dug up some of Stephen's curiosity again, when he admitted. " I mean, it's a foot in the door towards me noticing someone who I might be attracted to. But otherwise, pretty things and people have been very common in my life. And pretty people who are ugly on the inside? Even more common on Asgard and in the universe as a whole in particular. "
Oh. But wait.. " You and Quill are... casual though? If it's not physical attraction that drew you together.. what started you off? "
That, did pause him again. And again, that sensation of being looked into: but this time Stephen could feel far more clearly that, it was him seeming to ask if he seriously didn't understand the answer; before he gave it. " The sound of his voice when he sings. Not the tone, or the music itself... the sound, of him. " another small pause; and Stephen thought as his tongue touched that spot at the middle of his lower lip, that: maybe he had never said as much out loud before? Or at least not to anyone else. " How, he isn't afraid to make mistakes; even big ones.. and does his best to correct or live with them: and more so the fact he tries to help others around him do the same, often without even realizing or giving himself credit for the fact he does do that. "
And another earnest smile, so warm at whatever memories he saw in that tiny, collapsible tabletop; that it made Strange ache for him and with a little jealousy, both: for the fact he could say these things this way, even when they were arguing and grieving. Even, when they were an entire Galaxy apart because of those things, and Strange himself; and probably more. " How he starts dancing when he really feels a song; no matter where the bloody hell he is, ha! " did make Stephen smile before he finally put in " His loyalty, and honesty where it matters most.. and just..! The way he offers the warmth of his very soul, sometimes; even in times when he has so little of it left to spare, and can't help but turn it into an argument as a result. He's a sassy joy, and frustrating comfort, and simply complex little surprise of massive proportions far bigger than anyone gives him credit for as a Ravager: with all the pride to keep it under cover. "
He didn't dare say it. But Stephen would have known, even if he'd only heard how Loki said those things. Even if he'd closed his eyes.
That wasn't casual. It wasn't even close, to being that.
With the sharp way the London's space-faring Sanctum Master looked up from whatever spell working out the answers had cast; Stephen was certain Loki knew it too.
" If you repeat a word of that to him however....? " was definitely a warning, though one Stephen could laugh at.
" Are you kidding me? I don't know him well enough yet to be talking about 'the warmth of his very soul' to his face. " got another piece of that funny kale tossed at him, but nothing more. " We have a few terms for people like that though, is why I was curious. " did spark Loki's curiosity, while he was finishing off the rest of his salad. " Mm. Some of them have evolved well from their origins from what I can tell. Pansexuality, or perhaps Demisexuality probably fit me; were I to bother labelling it in your terms. "
" But you don't usually? "
" Why bother? " wasn't a stance Stephen expected. But the follow up was something he could appreciate, mostly. " I know who I like, and who I love when it happens; and so do --or would-- my mates. I understand the fascination, I really do. Midgard has been very stunted socially and especially in the realm of feeling allowed, to figure yourselves out for the past two thousand years: as the creation of a god or not. As someone who's still lauded as one in some standing cultures; I can confirm.. even the little G brand like myself? Are only occasionally in one of your beds. And even then we have our own individual sets or lack of standards; and the process of pursuit even when it does, for that to happen for just one person. Never mind, trying to care about whose and what gender all of you're laying with in the day to day. "
Mostly, because on the other hand.. he wanted to laugh. And was still shaking his head when Loki asked. " What about you though? You've made me curious, now. You, come out of that culture; after all. "
" Bisexual. " was an easy thing to give, for a change. Maybe because he had been the one to ask first. Sort of. " Mostly women, in romantic relationships: and very quiet, about pursuing men. " did get him a tilt of Loki's head. He could guess that the question was, why. " You said it; the bit about us being stunted, socially; in this regard? You're not wrong and.. I'm just old enough for that to have impacted keeping my own 'pursuits' with the same gender very, very private. Especially as someone studying to be a doctor. Some people still have.. very outdated or misinformed ideas about non-binary relationships on our world; and it can be made to affect your life, by those people. "
" So you were mostly in the closet. " a little late, did make Stephen spit his peas this time.
" Damn it, Loki.. " was laughing the same. Because of course Loki would pick up that bit of language at the least during his time on Earth. " Yes, okay. Sort of. " got added onto with " Mostly later..? " and having to tack on even further when the Trickster started squinting at him. " I was a young, healthy, horny man during my residency; okay?! The ones who knew, knew. Others didn't. "
" Okay.. not damning that, because. Your business and your partner's anyway? " said as if that should be obvious. And well yes. Really, it should have been; if only for what Loki had said about sexuality himself. " But also more than I wanted to know. And.. noted anyway. "
The meal was already gone by that point; though Stephen did wonder how he had managed that with as much as they had talked already. Almost another hour passed, just passing from subject to subject in an uncontrolled chain that went by too quickly by comparison to the silent hours that had preceded it. Stephen didn't fight the mention of sleep when Loki was the one to bring it up next in the form of a nap that would ideally last until their arrival; or the offer of sleeping in the Trickster's alongside him either.
He did have a brief moment of insecurity and tiny bit of guilt in Quill's general direction about it, when he climbed into the space camper version of a swiss-styled cubby-bed built into the back wall: but there was little contact and a great deal of just trying to fall asleep, in truth. So that didn't last very long.
What did, and carried over well into his dreams: was the fact that Stephen could feel how much lighter their relationship was getting. And how happy and at peace with that, he actually was.
So much of his own self doubt had been dropped. There was more still to work through; and a lot more to learn: in every aspect.
But when he was finally able to close his eyes, Stephen thought that most of that was something he shouldn't have been trying to work through on his own anyway: and that maybe, even with the bridges between them sabotaged and seemingly burned by malice and some of Fate's wilder and mismanaged seeds of time: the present they had control of now, might very well manage to get them mended in ways the broken Bifrost ahead of them in Asgard could probably never be fixed.
Looking at the present, Stephen could only think of another quote; this one from Hamlet: and remember the ambitions he had chased after his accident.
How much more accurately that quote fit his state in that portion of his life; and the portion of him from behind it, with how little he was learning he had known and understood.
And worried, if briefly; whether what he was tempted most to pursue would end up as insubstantial in the end.
Was the future he was beginning to wish and aim for, a possibility in truth: or the echoes of wishes destined to end up unworthy; unwelcome in it's tardiness?
Was that now, the feckless pursuit --the ambitions-- of a man chasing not a dream of the future: but the insubstantial shadow of one?
Laughably enough, and all things considered: only time and the effort to nurture the Seeds he had been given; would tell.