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Never before has Katagawa's heart beat so harshly, nor has the sweat pooling behind his neck ever felt so cold. The comfort of thinking of Rhys is a small one, and it's all he has. His smile. His frown. His mustache. His eyes. His arm. His wrinkles. His cries. His pleas. His screams –
Something inside of him is coiling tightly, a too-tight knot he just can't unwind. The voice in his head constantly fighting with himself. Do it now, for him one instructs him. Don't do it, it's permanent, he'll think you're a fucking freak from the other.
If only Rhys knew that this was all for him. He had spent all the time, money, resources, love getting Zer0 in on this deal, and now he had to commit. Commit. Commit like he would to Rhys, if he'd have him. Be there for him. Kiss away tears. Lick away sweat. Bite away his tongue should he ever be ungrateful.
He doesn't think about it. Katagawa swings the cleaver down with only a cursory glance to make sure he gets the base. He does, surprisingly. As blinding pain sears through him, white hot and boiling him alive, he's so proud. Proud because he did this for Rhys. Proud because Rhys will be able to see his sacrifice. Proud because he's strong. He's what Rhys needs.
His uninjured hand grabs the Anshin branded healing paks he kept nearby and plunges it directly into his palm. Relief comes in one blisteringly intense wave, a heavy shiver shaking him throughout.
Other than the blood pooled on the table and cutting board, there's no sign of trauma now. Just one clearly missing finger, and the unnatural emptiness left behind.
No pain. None. Rhys would be so proud. He's so strong for him. He doesn't hesitate again, taking the cleaver into his freshly modified right hand and
It's hard to hold. Unnatural. Zer0 had made it look so easy. Normal. All his planning and never once did he stop to think about the lack of balance that such a small part of his body provided. He's mutilated himself for love and it wasn't going to be enough for Rhys.
It's out of anger that he brings the blade down a second time. It isn't the right spot. Sharp as it may be, the cleaver sticks to the bone of his pinkie and Katagawa wails, overwhelmed by blinding pain and anger and frustrating and unyielding love. Why does Rhys make him do these things? Why is Katagawa as he is not enough?
He rips the cleaved out with another howl, but his scream is guttural, angry, brought on by a rage that cannot be satiated by anything or anyone but Rhys. He needs him. Needs Atlas. Needs to show him all his sacrifices for him. Needs him to love him. Needs to make him love him.
He doesn't realize it's over until it's already done, the finger, as well as a large chunk of skin, entirely removed from his left hand. Adrenaline keeps it from feeling like much more than heartache.
Another Anshin. There's no rush this time, only clarity. Once he cleans up, suits up, finally shows himself to Rhys, everything will be perfect. He'll finally understand.
And if he doesn't, then he will share this pain with him. The pain brings clarity. It brings love. It will bring them together.