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She’s smiling, theres something swirling around her, and it brings her towards her, Lamy has her own atmosphere. The sun is up, it's warm, Lamy is warm she realises as she leans against her. She leans fully against Lamy, causing them to fall onto the sand, she giggles, hands cupping her cheeks, there’s sand in her hair as Lamy flips her over.
‘I Love you’ Lamy whispers, Polka smiles, as Lamy dips to kiss her.
She’s swimming, you usually wouldn’t find her in the deep waters, but how can she say no when Nene is looking at her so pleadingly? So she swims through the waves with her, Nene smiles coyly as she moves her hands behind Polkas head, interlocking them together, straddling her hips. There’s a blush covering both their faces.
‘I love you’ Nene whispers, Polka smiles as Nene leans in.
Botan doesn’t seem to mind that Polka is so close, she’s leaning her head on her shoulder, gazing up at her distantly. If Polka had to guess, Botan would already know, she seemed to be able to read her, then she was able to read herself. She’s brought back into the moment as Botan drags an arm around her, at the touch her shoulders hike.
‘I got you. You’re ours, no one is gonna take you,’ she whispers as she plants a gentle kiss on Polkas temple.
Polka laughs mirthlessly as she blinks, she rubs her eyes before looking back up at the ceiling.
“What other fairy tales do you have in store for me, brain?” she whispers for the hundredth time.
Her body feels sore, she realises as she wakes, her hand is around something; she squeezes, her eyes flutter open as she hears quiet giggles. Nene is looking at her in a way she hates, it makes her heartbreak the more she envisions it. She bites her cheek as Nene tilts her head to the side, a thumb going over her skin; embedding her touch to her skin, yet she feels nothing.
“Ready to get out of bed?” Nene whispers ever so quietly, as she lets her other hand roam up Polkas arm fitting perfectly on her cheek, theres a worry to her brows.
“Came to see if you were still breathing, you’ve slept in a bit…”
Polka hummed as she got up slowly, she groaned as her muscles tore themself as she used them, as if she hadn't moved for decades, her heart rattled inside its cage as Nene helped her upright.
“Should I carry you?”
“No, I’ll be there in a bit,” Polka spoke hoarsely, her voice was unused, or maybe her midnight talking to herself caught up to her, using her ceilings as a projector for visions of choices she can’t force herself to make.
Nene waits for her anyway, she has her arm around her waist as she walks her to the table. Botan and Lamy are deep in conversation, and the lovestruck awe in Lamys eyes as she looks into Botans is reflected back. When Nene joins the conversation they greet Polka good morning, they don’t linger too long, and Polka tells herself she doesn’t mind.
“Did you pack your bag, Omarun?” Lamy brings her out of her stupor, she moves her gaze from her food to the ceiling before looking at her friend with a puzzled gaze.
“We’re going to the beach today, we talked about it last night.”
Polka remembered slightly, she had projected everything, her words, their words; she wondered how the conversation would go, how it wouldn’t or couldn’t go, insecurities about herself in a bathing suit or a bikini rattled her ribs.
“I changed my mind… I won’t be going,” she ends up saying, she’s sure its not the right choice as Nene makes a defeated noise beside her, the rock in her chest has settled.
“Oh… Okay,” Lamy fidgets with her cutlery, Polka can see the way she fights not to push, she wishes she was closer, for it to be her lip Lamy would be biting. Polka shakes her head, she sighs as she rests her head on the table.
Somehow, she gave in; a promised ice cream and a piggyback ride from the car and to their spot.
There’s something in the water Polka muses; well there are multiple people in it, she lets sand fall between her fingers as she watches Botan and Nene swim. She scowls to herself when images of disappointed faces were directed at her, she doesn’t want to swim, doesn’t want to ruin her makeup.
Her scowl turns to a frown when she remembers waking up from sleeping in, there was no feeling in her breast as she saw them at the dinner table, breakfast prepared and everything, yet no tingle of a sensation.
She turns her attention to the owner of fingers poking her temple, Lamy wearing a small concerned smile, theres a tenderness to the way she scoots closer, Polka wants to run.
“Did they say something weird again?” Lamy asked quietly, she was idly letting her fingers travel on Polkas skin.
“Just thinking… What took you so long?” Polka tried to smile as she shook her head.
“What’s on your mind?” Lamy pushed, she wouldn’t do that, Polka shuddered as she pulled away.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it,” Polka turned her attention to their friends in the ocean, they were looking at them.
“Weren’t you going to join them anyway? Go go, I’ll guard our stuff.”
“Omarun, talk to me?” Lamy pushed, Polka knew she meant well, everything was eating her from the inside.
Polka let her hand trace the sand, fingers digging in slightly. She swallows rocks as fingers find a home under her chin, redirecting her gaze.
“Omarun, what’s going on?” Lamys brows were sewn together, worry out in the open, it made Polkas skin crawl, so she did the only thing she knew how to.
She got up abruptly, dragging a surprised Lamy with her into the ocean to their friends, she playfully pushed Lamy towards Botan who caught her but didn’t expect to get splashed with water, theres laughter as the fight began, and troubles are long forgotten, or so she hopes.
Polka curses feelings to the gods, to the devils, to the forbidden scripts, as Nene is drying her hair, hands delicately going through removing knots and leftover sand. Her touch sends out electricity through her veins.
She’s gentle about it, she speaks quietly like its a secret.
“What’s going on Omarun? You didn’t want to join us at the beach, then you didn’t want to come to swim, but you dragged out Lamy to a water fight?”
“Nothing just suddenly felt like joining, that’s all.” She lied, she’s been swallowing rocks all afternoon, she can feel them cutting lines in her throat, as Nene pats her head while giving an unbelieving hum.
“Y’know, none of us are going to buy that, yeah?” Nene continues to whisper, which makes Polka try to listen for footsteps, but the others are still cooking in the kitchen.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Polka settles with, she really doesn’t, she does not want to talk about the way her heart speeds up when Nene lets her fingers go through her hair, she doesn’t want to talk about the way ropes capture her lungs when she leans over to take the brush from in front of her, she does not wish to speak of how much she wants to kiss her.
“Well, talk to us before it eats you up inside,” Nene smiles at her, a light caress to her cheek before getting up.
“I’ll go help the others in the kitchen, come when you’re ready~”
Polka watches her leave the room, she feels uncomfortable in her skin, she wants to tear it off, there's something crawling underneath.
“I’m already getting eaten,” she whispers ever so quietly when she hears Nene greet the others, she buries her face into her knees, and everything aches.
She’s pushing the food on her plate with her fork, she knows she’s not relieving her friends worries, but she’s really not hungry, she manages to take a few bites in a row before giving up. Everyone is quiet, everyone is looking at her, she can feel it.
So she looks up with a smile, she catches Botans gaze, but she can read her like a book, it makes Polka scramble in her mind, so she gets up slowly while taking her plate.
“Thanks for the meal, I’m stuffed!” Polka settles her plate on the counter, she places film above it to save it for later, she stills as she hears murmurs from the table, when she closes the fridge door, she turns to find Botan behind her, there’s a frown on her face, slight disappointment mixed with confusion and worry like she already knew; everything.
“Can we talk,” it wasn’t a question, she wanted to slip out of it, but the way she saw her friends look at her from the table, has her nodding, slowly going along.
She’s standing awkwardly in the middle of Botans room, she likes the smell in here, she would sometimes steal a hoodie or two to wear, with the excuse of being cold. She lets herself drown in the scent, she doesn’t know how long she’s been gone as a hand settles on her cheek.
She smiles as she looks up, and she whispers a quiet ‘hi’, she knows she’s cheating, but Botan doesn’t seem to mind, she’s waiting to see if she can wiggle herself out of it. Polka leans into the touch, smiling as it seems to be working, but frowns as Botan just giggles dragging her to sit on the bed.
“Lamy agrees that you’ve been distant lately, and Nene says you confirmed it when said you didn’t want to talk about it, and I can see there’s something, Omarun.” Botan is holding her hands tightly.
"There's nothing-" Polka starts, interrupted by a Botan clearing her throat.
“Why do we have to?” Polka regrets asking, as the question leaves her.
“Because you look ready to leave,” Botan says simply.
“I wouldn’t,” Polka lies, she swallows at the pointed disapproving look.
“Omarun. Talk to me, I want to help, we want to help,” Botan pushes, Polka doesn’t understand, they’re pushing, they don’t do that. Her skin is crawling as she withdraws her hands.
Botan is looking at her with worry as she gets up from the bed, Polka feels sick, she laughs, she wants to throw up. She’s going mad as arms surround her, she’s being hugged close, and it collapses her lungs as she wheezes.
“Omarun, talk to us, talk to me,” Botan whispers, she’s hugging her close. Polka is drowning, she’s frozen, she’s safe there, but she knows; she can’t stay there, it’d be unfair, the embrace makes her feel helpless; an injured puppy.
So she takes a step back, her breath stutters as she smiles wetly.
“I can’t…” she takes a step back to the door, she averts her gaze.
“I’m… I need to go,”
“Omarun?” Botan questions.
She doesn’t retreat slowly, she runs out of the apartment, she’s drowning, and she needs to get out; the air is suffocating.
Polka whistles as she placed her phone back into her pocket, she let herself cool down as she sat down on the pier. Her energy was all but gone, her guilt no longer hot in her throat.
She let her gaze travel the horizon, tinted eyes gazing to a faraway place, she used to love blue, and she wonders what changed. She laughed dryly, something about it had to be funny, its most likely an inside joke, or not a joke at all; dark humour she mused.
She used to love blond with a tint of pink, but now everything felt grey, grey used to be a happy thing, a happy person close to her heart. It used to bring her happiness, but overthinking brought her to her knees, grey never became the same once she woke up feeling numb.
She licked her lips, letting her tongue roll back over her teeth before biting her lower lip. When did love become a chore, or was it? When did love become difficult? No, it wasn’t but she couldn’t bring herself through the insecurities swarming her mind, she let her gaze travel to the sky, she hummed, no stars: just her, and the dark sky.
She felt the ice in her stomach rustle, like the cubes in her juice this morning, as someone sat down beside her. Her thoughts became quiet, she felt herself turn back into her teenage self, hovering with small touches, she scoffs at herself.
“What’s going on?” Lamy shouted, no, not really. It was a mere whisper, yet it disturbed the peace of the ocean, the waves slowly forming.
“Everything, and nothing.” Polka mused.
“Is it me?” She asked meekly, Polkas stomach dropped, it wasn’t of course, it was only her, it was Polka.
“Why would it be?” Polka asked airily, she wanted the wind to take her words and turn them to dust, the moon to take them to space, to never be heard.
Lamy didn’t respond, not with words, it was a shrug with her hiked shoulders. Polka longed to soothe her, wash away her worries, with a fight in the ocean, as they did earlier.
The quiet tension between them grew, and Polka felt regret fester in her stomach, but it was too late now. She felt her shoulders hike as Lamy moved, she didn’t get up, just scooted closer, like she did at the beach.
“Is it too late to say I love you, that we all love you?” Lamy whispered, there was a hitch to her breathing, Polka felt the stone break, like someone took her heart out of her chest, and hit it with a bat; pebbles shattered over the ocean, small ripples into the surface.
“I love you, Lamy. But we can’t go on. We’ll only be lying to ourselves.” She lies through her teeth, she glances at her companion but regrets it when she can see her own reflection in her eyes.
Lamy stole her breath, as lips met hers, and everything was right; for a few seconds. Lamy pulled away by an inch, and she let their foreheads touch, Lamy leans in for more, and Polka lets her, guilt gnawing its way at her heart. She would give Lamy anything and everything, but she can’t give herself.
“I guess… I’ll see you at home?” Lamy whispered, a part of her wanted to drag her down, tell her they could work through insecurities, but no, Polka can’t do that anymore; she’d only hurt her… hurt them more.
“I’ll see you at home,” Polka responded, with the promise, Lamy left first. Polka found herself alone once more. She hopes she knows, she hopes they know.
Polka never returned home. She was too close to love them.
Polka doesn’t know what she was expecting, she turns on the bed. Leaving should’ve been the best thing she could’ve done for them, guilt rose to her lips, they ached as she remembered a kiss, why did she… pain rose up her throat, she lets it escape as she grips into the bin.
She places it to the side, her ribs ache as her eyes blur. She doesn’t expect the pain, it comes in waves as she curls into a ball; it’s all she’s been doing. The ceiling used to be a friend, projecting memories, happy accidents, and unhappy scenarios on lonely nights; though recently there’s nothing, she has lost everything, yet she had nothing, to begin with.
So she laughs till she cries all over again, the cycle never breaking till quiet knocks are on her door. She stifles her sobs when the door opens, a warm hand on her shoulder, arms bringing her into comfort.
Quiet whispers trying to comfort her as she’s being rocked like a child, she grips the back of her captor, she fights to keep her sobs in, though as lips settle on her temple, she breaks into pieces.
“I know this is weird coming from me, but you have to go back to them,” Amelia whispers as she lets her fingers go through unkept hair.
“I can’t… I never break a promise, and I broke all of the above…” Polka coughed, as she sniffled, her eyes sore from crying.
“This is the last place anyone would look for me if someone for some reason would be looking at all…”
“I’m sure they’re looking for you,” Amelia reasoned, catching the tears with her thumb before they fall. Polka felt out of her depth, she doesn't want to think about it, she doesn’t want to be found; she closes her eyes.
She doesn’t cry most of the day away now, though she can’t say she feels any better. Amelia has become rather cryptic whenever she checks up on her, and looks over her shoulder at odd times, they’re walking through the city at night, not the safest time, she muses. Polka wishes she had the energy to read her, she feels like a horrid friend.
“Don’t think that,” Amelia bristles as she pokes her harshly in her side, she recoils to the side, caressing her side.
“How do you know-”
“I can see it,” Amelia replies simply like it was the answer to everything. But she doesn’t question it.
She’s laying on her back, she’s waiting for Amelia to go for the usual walk, yet she’s nowhere to be heard. Polka doesn’t remember her phone number by heart; so she’ll wait a bit longer, or so she told herself, she’s getting restless. She leaves a note on her desk before heading out.
“Maybe she gave up on me,” Polka don’t know why her spine shuddered at the admission, wasn’t that what she wanted? To be forgotten by the ones around her, she wasn’t something, someone worth remembering.
She takes a different route this time, the ocean draws her close, she bites her cheek as memories resurface. Her hand travels on the railing as she walks, unease crawls her skin yet she feels at peace when she looks down upon the surface of the ocean. She wonders, but not a loud, she grips the railing just a bit tighter, she climbs it slowly, it’s fine like this, everything is fine.
Today was a good day, the sun was shining all morning, yet still slightly cold. Kids had been outside playing, throwing snowballs after each other, she remembers snowmen when she left the motel. There’s a painful tinge in her throat as she realises; if Amelia left her alone on this day, of all of them, she couldn’t save her. She doesn’t know if she feels at peace with it, but she knows it’s the right choice, for everyone; so she leans forward.
She feels the wind through her clothes, she sighs shakingly, she can’t have cold feet now.
‘I am doing this for everyone… Why can’t I do this?’ She’s biting down on her lip, she can taste copper as her thoughts roar, as she feels the wind while she falls-
“You idiot!” someone yells, she got yanked into someone, there are strong arms around her as she lands into someone, they’re on the bridge, and it’s cold.
The person holding her tightly is shaking, cursing and sniffling quietly, she feels embarrassment run up her neck.
“You’re an idiot, stupid, stupid idiot” Ah, she recognizes that voice, she doesn’t have to turn her head to know, Botan is tightening the embrace when she tries to get away.
“I’m not letting you go, what were you thinking?!”
“I, uh… I was thinking…” She wanted to get out, her nerves were on fire, uncomfortable in her own skin, she turned around, placing her hands on Botans shoulders; and there she saw it, tears, Botan doesn’t cry, at least not in front of others.
“That it was for everyone… better” Polka averted her eyes, not being able to look into her eyes.
“It’d be better for everyone if you never left.” Botan sniffled, she dries her tears into her shoulder, a broken breath as Polka only replies with a hum.
“Can you… let go of me?” Polka asks hesitantly, she doesn’t want to leave, but she felt responsible more than before, she made her cry, most likely again..
“I’m never letting go of you again,” Botan simply muttered through sobs, as she hid her face in the crook of Polkas neck, she breathed her in, which made Polka squirm.
“From now on, you talk to us. No excuses.”