Chapter Text
Carmy paced the expanse of his apartment, his thoughts on Sydney’s expression before he decided to have a make out session with Claire. It was the way Sydney cut her eyes at him as she stormed out of the restaurant, ignoring his question regarding what was wrong. It kept replaying over and over in his head in slow motion, growing his unease.
He didn’t like it when Sydney was angry with him. He didn’t like it when she was disappointed in him. Those things scared him. He pulled out his phone and gave into the strong urge to face-time her, not expecting her to answer because she was good at ignoring you when she was pissed.
He was surprised when she answered. Though the empty expression on her face told him all he needed to know. “Yo.” He greeted, his voice hesitant and stilted.
Her expression didn’t change. “What’s up?”
He sat down on the couch. “Uh—I—Uh..I wanted—” Fuck he was stuttering.
She lost her patience. “Spit it out Carmy. It’s late.”
“You mad at me?” He asked and she raised an eyebrow.
“What makes you ask a thing like that?” She was being cold, cold.
“Because you have murder in your eyes?” He answered, his unease growing. “What’s wrong?”
Sydney scoffed and rolled her eyes heavenward. “Okay. I’ll be honest with you. I’ve needed you Carmen, and you have either been distracted or not around. It makes me feel unsafe in our partnership and quite frankly makes me question if I could trust you.”
“Sydney.” He started hesitating, feeling his chest tighten with sudden anguish. Jesus, he didn’t like this. His phone suddenly started vibrating and Claire’s number showed itself. ‘Fuck.’
“Look, I’m tired and I know I just dropped a few bombs on you so I’m going to let you go so you can think about what I said.” With that she ended the call, leaving Claire’s phone number staring back at him.
He stared down at the number until it disappeared, and the notification of a missed call appeared. Carmy knew what he had been doing. He knew he was fucking up by ditching Sydney for Claire and for what reason? He had given Claire the wrong number on purpose, but he had given into impulse anyway and now things were fucked. He could feel his chest tightening as a warning sign and he closed his eyes tightly, mind immediately going to an image of Sydney’s smiling hopeful face. The image immediately grounded him, and he let out the breath he’d been holding. He shook his trembling hands until they calmed and cleared his throat. He pressed on the notification button to call Claire back.
88
Hie received the same chilly reception the next morning when he walked into the Bear, greeting everyone saving Sydney for last.
“Hey.” She had replied without her usual cheer she greeted him with each morning. She disappeared into the kitchen before he could say more.
He sighed to himself.
“Uh oh,” Richie said. “Mommy and Daddy are fighting.”
Carmy glared at him as he made his way into the office where Natalie sat. “Hey.”
“Hi.” She greeted, turning to face him, her expression falling. “What’s wrong?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Sydney is pissed at me.”
“Ahh.” She spoke. “What’d you do?”
He slumped in his chair. “I fucked up is what I did. Haven’t been keeping up with my end of our partnership.”
Natalie pursed her lips as she nodded. “Hanging out with Claire?”
He didn’t answer and she shook her head.
“Carmy. Carmy.” She tutted. “You have to make this right because if Sydney finds she can’t trust your unreliable ass she will leave us, and we cannot let that happen.”
Jesus. The fear of Sydney bailing made his stomach twist in knots. “I know, Nat.”
“And I’m not saying this only because she is extremely competent, talented, and hardworking, but because her coming here is the best thing to happen for this place and I love her!”
Carmy raised an eyebrow as she began to sniffle. “Uh—”
She waved her hand. “It’s just baby hormones.” She glared at him. “Fix it, Carmy!”
He stood. “Alright. Yes. I will.”
88
“Hey. I got you a Lavender Latte from Umbria.” Carmy said, holding out the cup to her. “Can we talk out back?”
Sydney pursed her lips in annoyance as she looked from the cup to Carmy who was watching her with hopeful eyes. She felt herself softening a bit from the kind gesture. She took the cup from his hand because the special Latte was her favorite. “Thank you and let me grab my coat.”
Relief flooded in his gaze, and she turned away, feeling guilty for giving him such a hard time, but fuck that, he has been an unreliable asshole for weeks! Coat secured, she made her way to the back, spotting Carmy sitting on a crate smoking a cigarette. She made her way over to him and sat on the other empty crate. “Did you get me the Lavender Latte, so I’ll stay calm?” She asked suddenly and he gave her an amused smile.
“Yeah. I did, mostly because I know it’s your favorite.”
She lifted her cup to hide her smile. “So, what’s up?” She asked.
He pulled on his cigarette. “I stopped seeing Claire.”
Sydney started with surprise and her gaze slid to him with a raised eyebrow. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I was hanging out with her instead of committing to our partnership. I—I know I bailed on you and haven’t been around like I should have been.”
“You did and you haven’t.” She said, feeling angry again. This was a build up of feelings she’s been trying to soothe for a while now. “I didn’t even know you were seeing someone.” Okay that sounded weird. “I mean, not that I need to know your personal business, but it was fucking up our partner vibe.”
He nodded in agreement. “I know. Yes. I apologize for that.” He looked at her. “Syd, I’m sorry.”
She felt herself deflate again from the earnest, near afraid expression in his eyes. How did he do that to her? Make her feel sorry for him when he was the one who fucked up? Still, she soldiered on. “I was so fucking pissed at you when you abandoned our reset. I—I was hurt, Carmy. I had to eat a giant sundae for two by myself. Do you know how stupid and lonely that felt?”
“Yes. I do.” He answered honestly. There was sorrow and something close to anguish in his gaze and she was back to feeling bad again.
She took another sip of her latte and took a deep breath. “I accept your apology. I just need you to be by my side in this huge fucking project you asked me to take on with you.”
He nodded. “I know. I promise I will be here. You can trust me, Sydney.”
That coiled anger and feeling of abandonment she had been feeling for the past couple of weeks began to unfurl and dissipate. “Okay.” She said, feeling lighter. She looked at him. “What do you need from me?”
He frowned in confusion. “How do you mean?”
She raised an eyebrow. “What do you need from me Carmy? This isn’t just a one-sided thing where you’re serving my needs only.” She watched with surprise as his expression turned even more confused. “Carm?”
He shrugged. “I’ve never—I just need you—”
Sydney felt her heart do a strange double beat followed by a wave of heat through her body with his words. “You need me?”
He started to look uncomfortable and so fucking serious she had to laugh.
“Carmy, it’s okay. I’m not holding a gun to your head.”
He huffed out a laugh as he flicked his cigarette away. “I know it’s just—weird for me to say what I need.”
“Oh.” she said with a nod. “I can see that.” She bit her lip. “I sorry you had to break up with Claire.” She wasn’t sure if she meant that or not, but she shoved that fact to the back of her mind to examine later.
He shrugged slightly. “I was seeing her for all the wrong reasons.” He muttered. “Thought I needed to have more fun and it is just a terrible fucking idea.”
She frowned. “So, you decided to get into a serious relationship with pressure and stress while building a new restaurant?” She shook her head when he simply gave her a rueful smile.
“I didn’t say I knew what fun was.”
There was more to it. Sydney could tell, but she wouldn’t push. He didn’t have fun. It was rare to see him laugh or smile or talk about a hobby outside of the work they did. Her eyes suddenly widened as a light bulb went off in her head. “Fun!”
He gave her a startled look. “What?”
She grinned excitedly at him as she waved her hand. “Carmy, you’re like the least fun person ever.”
He huffed. “Thanks?”
“That’s what I can provide you.”
Now he looked confused. “What? No. that’s not your job. I can’t depend on—”
“Shut up and listen.” She cut in. “We both could use some fun. We’re going to be working hard and well if you’re exploring being more spontaneous and fun then I am sort of the perfect person to help you. Of course, if you want to. No pressure.”
He looked unsure. “Depends on what you have in mind.”
She shrugged. “A few things I’m thinking about, but nothing too bad.” She gave him the cajoling smile she liked to use on him whenever she wanted him to agree to an idea, she had about the restaurant. “It’s a great way of practicing being a healthy adult.”
He looked surprised. “Sounds like you’ve been to a meeting.”
She shrugged, feeling caught. “Well, I may have read some literature out of curiosity.” She shifted nervously when Carmy merely stared at her intently with what she labeled as “the look”. She often caught this look directed at her and she often wondered what he was thinking. “Uh—”
“Yes.” He said suddenly. “I’d like that. I need that.”
She grinned at him. “Okay. Good. Great. I can provide.”
They both turned as Natalie emerged from the building. “Oh, thank goodness I’d thought she had murdered you Carmy.”
Carmy slowly stood. “Still alive.”
Sydney grinned. “I would never.”
Natalie nodded with a small smile. “Well, the electrician just got here, and he has a lot to say so we all need to be there.”
“Okay.” Sydney said with a nod. “Let’s get back to work.”
88
Later that night, Carmy’s phone vibrated alerting him of a text message. He lifted his phone, surprised to see it was an image sent by Sydney in the bear group chat, and he clicked it out of curiosity. The image opened, advertising a food trivia game at the Green Lady on Friday night with her text at the bottom. “Anyone interested?”
Marcus, Tina, Sweeps and Fak responded yes. Natalie and Ebra declined. Richie sarcastically asked if it was a team building exercise before responding with a yes.
Carmy bit his lip as he hesitated to respond. Fuck, why is this so hard? He blinked in surprise as Sydney side texted him.
Baby steps?
He breathed in deeply before he responded in the group chat with an affirmative. He smiled as Sydney sent him the thumbs up. He nodded to himself. Baby steps. He could do that; he thinks.
88
Carmy sat in his car, feeling the familiar anxiety start to creep in. Why was this so fucking hard? These were people he knew and was familiar with, but the odd tightening in his chest told him otherwise. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe in a few times. His phone vibrated and he glanced down at it, unsurprised to see it was a text from Sydney.
Are you here yet? I ordered you a beer that tastes interesting and I saved your seat.
The noise quieted and his chest loosened as he responded he was on his way inside.
He spotted Sydney and Tina first, sitting at a tall tabletop and he made his way over to them. “Hey.”
“Jeffff.” Tina greeted him with a smile as Sydney grinned at him.
“You made it.” She greeted as he sat beside her, leaving her in the middle of him and Tina. She pushed his beer toward him.
He placed his jacket onto the back of his chair. Her easy voice puts him at ease. He nodded at Tina with a smile before turning back to Sydney. “Thanks.” He lifted the beer, tasting it, pausing as immediately tasted the Raspberries.
Sydney raised her eyebrows. “Good right? I thought you might be interested.” She held up her glass showing a similar beer. “The game should start in about five minutes. It’s us against them.” She pointed two tables over at Richie, Marcus, Sweeps, and Fak.”
“Prepare to get your asses kicked.” Richie declared as he spotted Carmy.
Carmy shook his head. “You sure this was a good idea competing with Richie?”
Sydney nodded. “He’ll be pretty obnoxious but think about how he’ll feel when we win.” She held up the name of their team. “We’re the salty pretzels by the way. Tina named us.”
Carmy nodded impressed. “Nice, Tina.”
Tina smiled. “Thank you, Jeff.”
“Okay ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Green Lady Trivia night. Our category tonight is food. There are six teams and Seven rounds. Ten questions each round. Keep in mind, the higher the round the harder the questions. You guys ready to win our four-hundred-dollar prize money?”
Everyone cheered. “Alright. Let’s start. Question one: The name "Chicago" is derived from a French rendering of the Native American word Shikaakwa, which is what type of food? Fifteen seconds to answer.”
“Oh, that one’s easy.” Tina, who agreed to be secretary wrote the answer, Onion, down.
The first few rounds were a breeze, the questions getting seemingly more difficult with each passing round, but the Salty pretzels stayed in the game.
“What is the name of the sour and spongy flatbread traditionally made out of teff flour which is the national dish of both Ethiopia and Eritrea?”
Sydney and Carmy looked at each other then at Tina who shrugged her shoulders.
“I don’t fucking know.”
“Uh—It’s on the tip of my tongue.” Sydney said softly. “It starts with an i—”
“Injera.” Carmy whispered, glancing at Tina, and spelling it out for her.
“Alright let’s see your answer first Salty Pretzel.”
Tina held up their whiteboard. “Injera. That is correct. Alright, The Guys, lets see what you have.”
Richie held up the whiteboard. “Boom!” he said, high fiving his teammates.
Sydney frowned as she glanced at them. “How the hell are they keeping up?” She asked.
“It’s Sweeps.” Tina said, shaking her head. “He knows shit.”
By the end of round five only two teams remained.
“I bet your two nerds didn’t think we’d still be in the game!” Richie pointed.
“Boooo!” Sydney said, giving Richie the thumbs down.
“I’m not losing a food trivia game.” Carmy said, his competitiveness in full swing.
“Okay all. This is the final round. The lightening round and it only has one question worth ten points. Are we ready teams? Okay the question is: First proposed by J.J. Thomson in 1904, a model of the atom in which electrons were embedded in a large positively-charged mass, with no nucleus, was popularly known by what alliterative food nickname?”
Carmy raised an eyebrow as he glanced Sydney who shrugged her shoulders. “What the fuck?” He asked, glancing at Tina who was writing an answer down. “T?”
“I know the answer. I watch a lot of fucking history channel at night when I can’t sleep.”
Carmy glanced down at the white board, smiling as he watched Tina write down. PLUM PUDDING.
88
“So,” Sydney glanced over at him as they watched Tina make her way into her building. “Did you have fun?”
Carmy nodded. “Yeah. I did. It was nice to give T that money.”
“Right?” Sydney asked. “I like seeing her happy.”
“Me too.” he said softly. They sat quietly for a few moments and Carmy wracked his brain for something to say. The night still felt young, and he didn’t want to go back to his empty apartment alone like he always did. His mind felt stimulated in an unfamiliar, yet pleasing way and he wanted to continue that feeling. “Do you—” He trailed off when she turned to look at him and he suddenly felt nervous.
“Yes?” she prompted.
“I have a recipe I’d like to try with you for the menu. Do you want to come back to mine? I know it’s late—is that weird?” He had only ever invited her over to cook during the daytime. He glanced at Sydney who was frowning at him.
“Yeah, it’s a bit late and kind of weird.”
His eyes widened. “Shit. I’m so sorry—damn I’m not trying to be weird—” He trailed off as she started to laugh.
“I’m fucking with you Carmy.” Her grin was mischievous, and she laughed softly as relief washed over his features.
“Fuck.” He said, running a hand down his face. “Jesus Syd, you’re an asshole.”
Sydney shook her head. “Sorry. You’re just—so serious and easy.”
He huffed and shook his head. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He glanced at her, not bothering to fight the smile he felt forming on his lips from the gleam in her brown eyes.
She shrugged. “It’s only nine-forty. Yes, we can go to yours.”
8
“So I was thinking creamy Cavatelli with Mussels, Lillet, and an herb, but not sure yet.”
Sydney nodded as she watched him pull out the ingredients. “What about Dill?”
Carmy thought for a moment before nodding. “That could work.” He pulled out a large saucepan and she moved to chop up some of the dill sprigs. He moved next to her, grabbing a shallot and began to mince it, trying to ignore the flowery scent of her perfume. “Thanks for uh—encouraging me to hang out.”
She nodded as she placed the chopped dill into a small bowl. “No problem. Are these scrubbed?” she asked pointing to the mussels.
“Yes.” He answered, moving to place the mussels, wine, a few dill sprigs ,and two tablespoons of the Lillet. He switched the stove on and covered the pan.
“Did you remember to remove your jeans from the oven?” She asked with an amused smile.
He shrugged. “I never put them back.” He nodded toward his couch which now housed his folded-up jeans.
Sydney reached for the grapefruit and began to grate its skin, a small smile on her face.
Carmy stared at her, narrowing his eyes slightly. “What?” He asked.
“Hmm?” She looked up at him, before sliding her gaze back down. “Oh. Nothing. I just think you should at least put your jeans away in something like a drawer or a closet. Since it’s where they belong.” She reached for a lemon and began to grate that.
Carmy shrugged, feeling prickly with her words. “I haven’t had time.”
Sydney nodded. “Time. Right. Yes, I can see where you would be busy.” She gave him a quick glance. “I’m not judging you.” she said quickly.
“No shit.” Carmy said, softly. “I sorta feel judged.”
Sydney bit her lip. “Sorry. I’ll stop—” She trailed off again and continued to quietly zest the lemon.
Being around Sydney for as long as he has, has taught Carmy the thing she does where she goes quiet, but still seems to be talking just from the expression on her face. He almost always felt compelled to ask what she was thinking. “What?” He asked.
She blew out his breath. “It’s just…your apartment seems like unlived in. I mean you’ve been back in Chicago for a while now and when you first invited me here, I was so surprised because it was not how I imagined it to be.”
Oh. Carmy felt the rising tension loosen a bit. “Well, what were you expecting, exactly?”
She shrugged again. “Well, more lived in? Some pictures on the wall maybe? A bookshelf for your many books? It feels so empty and you’re not an empty person Carmy.”
His much fancier apartment in New York was much the same. No decorations; no pictures. He really didn’t have the time or headspace to think about those things. It was all work, all the time. Much like his previous apartment, he just viewed his current place as somewhere he slept and sometime ate. He really didn’t know what to say to that or what she wanted him to say. “So, my apartment is shit?” He said instead and she snorted.
“Well…”
He fought the sudden urge to cross his arms.
She gave him a slightly pitying look. “Think of it as creating a dish.”
He nodded, checking on the mussels. He turned the fire down. “I’m listening.”
Sydney tossed a lemon between her hands as she spoke. “Right. So. When you create a dish, you want it to be creative and beautiful and comforting to not only yourself but to those who eat it. When we create a dish that’s beautiful, it uplifts people. It like, transcends their senses away from emptiness. And when it’s comforting, it makes them feel so good. Makes them feel taken care of; safe even. And it makes us feel that way too because it’s our dish we created. It’s an extension of ourselves that we share with others.”
Carmy stared entranced as she stopped speaking. He blinked himself from his daze. “Wow.” He said and she gave an embarrassed smile.
“Right? I’m feeling very philosophical right now.”
He nodded. “Well, it was very wise.”
She merely shrugged.
Carmy took a moment to survey his apartment once more, suddenly feeling unsettled with the emptiness and minimalist style he’d adopted. “So, you’re saying the energy I put into creating a dish should be the same amount of energy I put into creating my space?”
She met his gaze, nodding her head with a relieved smile. “Yes, exactly. Because you deserve to have those feelings too. Outside of the kitchen, I mean.”
There it was again. That odd unfamiliar, yet pleasant, feeling he’s come to associate with Sydney, but this time it seemed to intensify the longer they stared at each other. He watched as she slid her gaze away first and he cleared his throat. “I hear you Syd, thank you for that.” He turned to remove the pan from the stove.
She moved forward, grabbing the strainer and placing it into the bowl. “You’re welcome.” She said as he slowly strained the juices into the bowl. “I can help you—If you’d like.”
Carmy turned to pour the juices back into a clean saucepan. “Help me decorate my apartment?” He turned and caught her nodding.
“I mean you don’t have to say yes. You can absolutely decline, but it might be—”
“Fun?” He cut in with a soft smile.
She grinned at him. “Fun.”
He turned the fire up. “Alright. We can do that.” Her brown eyes gleamed with victory, and he had to turn away to busy himself as his heart did something weird. What the fuck was happening?
88
“This is fire.” Sydney said for the fourth time. She shoveled more cavatelli into her mouth. “The cream is so good.”
“Thank you.” he said, nodding. “Think it should go onto the menu?”
She nodded. “Hell, yes it should. It’s so—classic but elevated.” She paused. “Why aren’t you having some?”
He shrugged. “Not really hungry.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’m a pig because I’m starving and am going to eat this all.” There were only a few spoonfuls left. “This will go great with a nice Muscadet.”
Carmy nodded. “I was thinking the same.” He reached for the bowl as she finished and moved back into the kitchen to put it into the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes and pots. He moved back into the living room, pausing as he studied Sydney who now leaned back against the couch with her eyes closed. “You good?”
“Yes.” She mumbled, shaking her head. “I love food.”
He smiled as he sat beside her again. “Me too.” He watched as she opened her eyes and grabbed her phone.
“It’s eleven fifteen.” She announced the time like a news reporter. She bit her lip as she looked at him. “I probably should go home but I kind of don’t want to.”
He didn’t want her to leave either. A night of so much mental stimulation outside of work had him feeling like drinking water for the first time after being stuck in the desert for fifty years. He didn’t feel like being alone either. He shrugged casually playing it cool. “So, stay.”
She sat up at the invitation, a relieved smile on her face. “Do you want to watch a movie?” She was already reaching for the tv remote.
“Sure.” He answered, watching as she folded her legs underneath herself.
She gasped. “Dirty Dancing is coming on.” She grinned at him.
“I’ve never seen it.” He admitted with a shrug.
Sydney’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?”
Carmy shrugged. “I’ve never—”
“You’ve never seen dirty dancing?” She cut in loudly, tilting her head as she studied him. “That explains so much about you.”
He huffed. “What is that supposed to mean?”
She ignored his question. “Carmy, Patrick Swayze? Jennifer Grey? Baby and Johnny? One of the like, greatest love stories of all time?”
He shook his head “That doesn’t sound right.”
Sydney ignored him again. “It’s one of the greatest movies of all time!”
“That also doesn’t sound right.” He said. He wasn’t a movie buff. He glanced back at Sydney. “What?” he asked.
“You don’t watch a lot of movies, huh?”
“I watch movies.” He said, feeling defensive. “Just not a lot and not lately.”
“Well, we’re watching this.” She said turning up the volume. “Get comfortable, Carmen.”
Carmy did as she demanded, sitting back, and watching the film, quickly becoming oddly involved in the plot as the movie progressed.
“I hate that guy.” Sydney said when Robbie appeared on the screen.
“Yeah, he’s an asshole.” Carmy agreed. He was also busy watching Sydney’s reaction to the film, feeling soft with her excited features and glimmering brown eyes. He felt amusement every time she tried to hide her swooning when Swayze danced on the screen or the way she would go soft on the tender romantic moments. Carmy filed this information away in his mind because this, to him, reveals some surprising things about her.
“The End.” Sydney said with a breathy sigh. She glanced at Carmy. “So, what do you think?”
“It was good.” He turned to see her watching him expectedly. “I liked the dancing.”
She nodded. “Okay. I’ll take that.”
“You like Patrick Swayze.” He teased.
She scoffed. “Who doesn’t? I mean—it’s Patrick Swayze.”
“Ohh,” he said, smiling. “So, is he your type?”
She rolled her eyes. “Just because I like Mr. Swayze doesn’t mean he’s, my type.” She started to look uncomfortable.
He poked her in the shoulder. “I’m fucking with you, Syd.”
She huffed and pushed his shoulder. “You’re an asshole.”
He shrugged. “Takes one to know one.”
They both stared at one another, grinning and Carmy tilted his head as something crossed her expression, but as quick as it appeared it disappeared just as quickly. He blinked and she was standing and moving into the kitchen.
“Let me help you clean before I go.”
He moved into the kitchen behind. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Yeah, I do.” She turned on the faucet. “Hand me that scrubber?” she asked as he sidled up beside her.
“I’ll help you dry.” He said, handing her the scrubber.
They worked in quiet tandem, shoulders touching every so often, both feeling a sense of comfort with each other as they shared a space in his kitchen.
88
Sydney sighed as they pulled up at her apartment building. It was nearing 2 am and she felt sleepiness start to take hold of her. She glanced at Carmy. “Thanks for the ride.”
He nodded. “No problem, Syd.”
They stared at one another for much longer than appropriate.
She looked away first. “Text me when you get home?”
He nodded. “Will do.”
She nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow. We have to make the final decision on the plates and napkins tomorrow.”
He nodded again. “Got it.”
She hurried out of his car because she felt like she was going to do something stupid. She made her way into her apartment building, turning in time to see him driving off. She hurried up to her apartment and quickly and quietly ushered her way inside and into her bedroom in record time.
She kept her thoughts surface level as she undressed and put on her pajamas.
She was feeling things.
What exactly? she wasn’t sure yet, but they were pleasant and maybe even a little dangerous. She moved into the bathroom, rinsing her mouth, brushing her teeth, and washing her face. She skillfully tied up her hair with her scarf as she moved back into her bedroom, hopping on her bed just as her phone dinged. She picked it up, smiling as she saw it was a notification from Carmy.
I’m home. Thanks for tonight. I enjoyed myself.
Her smile widened before it faded. ‘Nope.’ she thought, shaking her head. You’re welcome. I enjoyed myself also. She deleted that and decided to play it cool.
😌
She turned onto her side and placed her phone onto her dresser. An image of Carmy’s smiling face and blue eyes floated in her mind’s eye. She brought the blanket over her head. “Nope.” She said aloud, pushing away the pleasant feeling she felt rising from said image. She won’t go there again; she won’t. She can’t because how would that help anything?
88
The flow between them continued. Carmy kept his promise to her, putting his complete dedication into building the bear. Sydney arranged more hangouts and Carmy found his social calendar filled with activities that had nothing to do with cooking. Some were with the crew; some with just he and Sydney. It was nice. It was also nice getting to know her on a more personal level, developing a true friendship with her which is something he never really had before.
In his last Al-Anon meeting he learned about vulnerability and how part of it meant opening yourself up, to people and to experiences. Sharing your interests. Open yourself up to let people into your emotional space. Open yourself up to help. There was so much more to it, but Carmy felt he was doing some of this with Sydney. Opening. It’s only been four weeks and Carmy found himself constantly eager to see her every day. He tried not to let himself overthink it. Key word being tried. His phone suddenly buzzed with a notification.
Syd: I’m on my way upstairs.
Carmy: You’re late.
Syd: Shut up. I had to stop to get you something.
Carmy raised an eyebrow as he walked to the door, unlocking, and opening it as he heard her on the stairs. “Yo.” He greeted. In her arms she held two mid-sized snake plants in gray plant pots. He reached for them.
“Yo.” She greeted him back. She followed him into his apartment. “I was late because I stopped to buy these for you. One for your bathroom and the other for your living room. Super low maintenance and great air filters.”
“Thank you.” He said, feeling touched.
She slipped off her shoes and took off her jacket, eyes widening as she spotted his new couch. “The couch came.” She grinned as she moved toward, pausing to ask permission to sit.
Carmy nodded distractedly. “Of course. I’ll just go put these—” He trailed off and placed the first plant down on his new glass coffee table before moving into the bathroom.
“It’s so soft!” He heard her exclaim.
He smiled to himself as he moved out of the bathroom to watch her lay back. He’d chosen a royal blue cozy velvet vintage couch. He could admit he really loved laying on it and often fell asleep on it after a long night. It wasn’t the only upgrade he’d gotten for his place. He’d bought wall art and picture frames he hadn’t yet filled because looking at family pictures overwhelmed him and the few, he had, were mostly of he and Mikey.
He’d upgraded his dining table and chairs with a simple wooden round oak table and bus back black wooden chairs. In his living room was an extra-large dark gray throw carpet Sydney picked out which aligned with his aesthetic. In one corner sat a tall gray book and storage shelf where he finally had a home for his books as well as the things he’s collected on his travels.
He hadn’t finished his bedroom, only ordered a decent sized bed with an actual headboard. Baby steps. He felt proud and very adult, putting his energy into setting up his place.
“So,” Sydney finally said. “We failed another fire-suppression exam.”
He nodded. “Yes.”
She frowned at him. “Should we be panicking or?”
He sighed. “Well as an expert on panic I’d say no, probably not.”
Sydney narrowed her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“What makes you think something is wrong?” He watched as her eyes slid toward the ashtray on his coffee table. Shit.
“Well, there’s like eight butts in there and it’s only noon. What’s going on?”
He shrugged. “Had a panic attack this morning…” He trailed off at her concerned expression. “I’m good. Got through it.” He didn’t dare mention the residual effects of his panic attacks. The coiled tension in his muscle or the fatigue he had to suffer through the day. “Uh—I want to show you something. Come here.”
Sydney looked like she had more to say, but wisely kept it to herself as she followed him out onto the fire escape. She gasped as she spotted the large painting. A 48 x48 abstract textured painting of a grizzly bear. It was colorful with deep blues, black, yellows and browns. The background was black and gray; the bear’s expression one of annoyance or serious contemplation. “Carmy—” She trailed off and shook her head.
“I used acrylic and oil paints.” He explained, glancing at her. “Do you like it?”
“Like it? I love it.” She shook her head, glancing at him with a soft smile. “How long did this take?”
“About three days. Finished it up on Sunday.” He glanced back at her, surprised to see her still watching him.
“You’re like, Picasso.”
He snorted. “I’m not Picasso.”
She shrugged. “Picasso adjacent. Carmy, this is amazing.”
“Thank you. You don’t think it’s pretentious to put your own painting in your own restaurant?”
She shook her head. “Fuck, no. It’s perfect for The Bear. It’s a great painting. We can hang it on the far wall, you know? That way everyone will have a view of It wherever they sit.” She pulled out her phone and took a few pics. “Can I share it in the group chat?”
Carmy’s gaze softened as he stared at her, swallowing nervously as the same tender feeling he’s come to associate with her resurfaced. “Yeah. Yes.”
Sydney: Hey guys! Look at the painting Carmy did for The Bear.
Natalie: It’s beautiful! I’m glad you’re painting again!
Tina: excelente, Jeff! 💗
Marcus: 🔥 🔥 🔥 fucking fire, Carm!
Sweeps: Damn! I see you, Pablo Picasso.
Richie: Mikey would be proud, Cousin.
Ebra: Very good Chef, Carmen.
Carmy felt a swarm of overwhelming emotions as he looked up from his phone to Sydney who was busy admiring his painting still.
8
Another day
“I would eat at Remy’s bistro. I don’t give a fuck if he’s a rat.” They’d watched Ratatouille at her insistence.
Carmy squeezed some lemon into the pan he was cooking in. “A rat running a restaurant? That’s like an F grade.”
Sydney rolled her eyes. “Don’t ruin Ratatouille for me.” She looked over at him.
He laughed. “I’m not. I liked it. It was really good. I mean if the food is good, why the fuck not?”
She stood up. “it’s about taking risks. Remy loved food. I love food. All I do is dream about recipes. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, writing down what I dreamed about.” Sydney handed him the cut-up veggies as she spoke.
Carmy smiled softly. “Yeah. That’s pretty normal.”
“Is it?” Sydney asked with a shake of her head. “Because the few friends I do have, think it’s weird.”
He shrugged. “Normal for us.” The meal completed, he dished it up and placed it in front of her. “Enjoy.”
It was Chilean Seabass with lemon garlic sauce and a Quinoa salad composed of Brussel sprouts, butternut squash, apple, lemon juice, and feta cheese. This wasn’t a meal for the menu, he’d just felt like cooking something for her. Carmy carefully watched her expression as she took in what he created.
“The colors.” She murmured. “So pretty.” She lifted her head and smiled at him.
As usual, Carmy felt his stomach do that weird fucking flip when she smiled at him. He could no longer deny how much he liked it when she directed one of those genuine Sydney smiles at him. He tried not to let his mind think too much about that. He handed her a spoon. “Eat up.”
She took the offered spoon and dug in. She lifted the spoon to her mouth and her eyes closed as the flavors touched her tongue. “Geez.” She mumbled when she fed herself another spoonful. “Christ.”
Carmy raised his eyebrows. “Good?” he asked, and she nodded.
“It’s fucking fire.” She purred. She nodded at him. “You should have some.”
“Nah.” He shook his head, wiping down the counter. “It’s for you.”
She pouted as she moved toward the couch. “Come on,” She cajoled. “You never eat.”
He placed the pots he used into the sink. “I eat.”
Sydney groaned quietly as she tasted another bite of food. “I mean. You never eat what you cook. I’ve seen you taste, but rarely sit down to enjoy it and I always wonder why.”
“It’s because I’m always too anxious to eat.” Last week, he had said during one meeting that he needed to start being honest about his deeper feelings. Outside of the little he tells Natalie, he hasn’t shared much with anyone, but for some reason, sharing this space with Sydney felt right. He looked up from his vicious scrubbing to see her watching him, her expression showing one of understanding.
“Are you anxious now?” she asked softly.
He shook his head. “No. Not really.”
She nodded and held up the plate. “Then get over here and share this with me? Come on,” she cajoled. “Grab your spoon.”
He didn’t bother to protest because of the softness in her gaze. As usual with Sydney, he felt compelled to comply; always drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Especially lately. There was something happening; something changing with how he views her, and he’d only just let himself be present in it. Typical fucking him.
He grabbed his lucky spoon and made his way over, sitting next to her, ignoring how close he was sitting. He dug in when she brought the plate closer to him. He brought the food to his mouth, eyes closing briefly in surprise. “Fuck.” he said, opening his eyes as she giggled. They both ate in silence until the plate was empty.
Sydney placed the empty plate onto the coffee table and sat back. “If this apartment suddenly blew up, I would die happy because I just had a very special Sea Bass.” She closed her eyes and folded her hands over her stomach.
“If this apartment blew up, I’d be pissed because I just bought all of this expensive shit.”
“You’re the one whose sittin’ on stacks.” she teased, poking at her theory of him being rich.
He shook his head. “I’m not.”
“Sure Mr. I’m dropping over three grand on a fancy couch.”
“Fuck off. it’s a beautiful couch.” He said with a shrug.
“It really is.” She agreed.
Carmy mirrored her position, glancing over at her curiously. “What are you doing?” He asked.
“Revisiting the memory of the food we just shared.” She smiled as he snorted.
“It was really fucking good.” He agreed. “Thank you for compelling me to eat it with you.”
“You’re really fucking good.” She murmured.
He felt the same pleasing feeling he always felt when she complimented him. Another not so revelation he’d let himself be mindful of in this moment. “You’re really fucking good too.” he said softly. He watched her swallow reflexively.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked, keeping her eyes closed.
“Of course.” he said softly.
She sighed. “When you first started running the ship. How did you deal? With the stress I mean?”
Carmy thought back to when he first started as a CDC. He’d worked so fucking hard; had wanted nothing else and the stress—the stress—well. How did he deal? “I didn’t.” He answered with honesty. “I didn’t fucking deal with it. Never learned how to and still don’t know how to.” She turned her big, always expressive, brown eyes on him, and he’s never felt more exposed; more vulnerable. “Sorry I can’t answer your question, Sydney.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s. It’s okay. It’s kind of comforting to know you can relate because I have no fucking idea how to deal.”
He nodded and turned his body to face hers. “Tell me?”
“I wanted this so badly and now I have it. But I am fucking terrified. What if I fuck everything up? My entire business failed, and I know it was my fault. You chose to do this with me, and I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want to let everyone down.”
Carmy had to restrain himself from reaching out to her. He has seen varying sides to Sydney, but he’s never seen her afraid before. “You chose me too Sydney.”
“Of course, I did.” She said as though it were the simplest; easiest choice to make.
He shrugged. “I know I’m not easy. I know you’re terrified, but you’re also the bravest person I know. I’ll be right beside you; behind you. I won’t let you fail.” There was so much he wanted to show her; to teach her. He felt an odd swell of emotions and excitement with the idea of helping someone so talented flourish. He wanted to make her shine; wanted the world to see what he sees.
Sydney’s eyes were glistening. “I’ll be right beside you too, Carmen.”
He knew that because she was always beside him, but it was wonderful to hear. “Thank you.”
She nodded. “Thank you, too.”
He felt that pull again. The urge to reach out and caress her cheek; touch her arm. It was growing stronger each day. He felt so close; too close.
She was blinking slowly at him. “Carmy?”
He blinked. “Yeah?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
He blinked again. “Like what?”
“Like the way I know I was looking at the Sea Bass.”
He swallowed nervously. “Uh—I—what?” There was something pulling their heads closer. Some weird invisible thread they couldn’t see, but they both didn’t resist it. She was so close now; so close he could smell the light, sweet, pink floral scent of her Peony perfume. His eyes slipped closed from the first brush of her lips against his cheek. They opened when she pulled back and both of their gazes fell to each other’s lips. He wasn’t sure who pressed their lips against the others first because, holy fucking shit they were kissing.
The first few seconds were inquisitive and shy until she lightly placed her hand on his arm with a breathy sigh. Carmy pressed a little harder, wanting to hear that sound again and was rewarded as their mouths melded into one another more securely. Lips were gently pushing against each other; heads moving in perfect synch like they moved together in the kitchen. As much as he wanted to, he wouldn’t dare touch her. He kept his fucking hands to himself because this was enough. His brain might be short circuiting because his only coherent thoughts were holy fucking shit. It was over too soon as Sydney was the first to pull away so she could breathe.
“Shit.” She whispered, shock in her tone.
He nodded dazedly. “Yeah.” He swallowed nervously, suddenly very aware of what they’d just done. He wanted to do it again, immediately. Anxiety suddenly made an appearance as she pulled away from him and stood up.
“We should not have done that. We shouldn’t do that. I mean—I—shit!” She was pacing, her hands wringing.
Carmy could only watch her, mutely. His own panic rising. He could feel his face grow red hot with very familiar emotions. Anxiety, embarrassment, and shame. “Syd—”
“I should go.” She cut him off, moving to grab her coat and bag from the dining table and chair.
Carmy’s eyes widened as he too stood as she started to move toward the door. “Do you want a ride home?” he asked, speaking in a full sentence for the first time.
“No, I’ll take the train.” She said over her shoulder.
This was it. His mind told him. He’s fucked this up and she’s going to leave him and the Bear, and he’ll be alone and it’s all his fault. “Will I see you tomorrow?” he asked desperately.
Sydney paused before opening the door. She turned and walked back over to him. “Of course, you will.” She answered assuredly. “I—I’m freaking out Carmy. I just need to go—and think.”
Carmy nodded, feeling some relief. “Can I check in with you later?”
She nodded. “I’d like that.” She turned and left, leaving Carmy standing there feeling unmoored.
He shouldn’t have invited her over. He was so fucking impulsive at the worst of times. He’s fucked up. “Fuck!” He yelled as he paced the expanse of his apartment before reaching for his cigarettes. He needed to smoke, preferably the entire box. He moved onto his fire escape, lighting up the cigarette before texting his sister.
Can I call you? I have to talk to you about something.
His phone rang two minutes later, and he answered with a quiet “Yo.”
“What’s wrong?” Natalie asked, worry in her tone.
“I kissed Sydney.”
There was a long pause before Natalie sighed. “Oh, God. Jesus Carmy! I thought you were going to say the restaurant exploded or something else terrible.”
He frowned. “This is terrible, Nat!” He could practically hear her rolling her eyes.
“You mean you two haven’t kissed already? I could have sworn you two were practically married.”
He frowned. “What?”
Natalie sighed. “Carmy, you’re the most clueless person sometimes.”
“What?” He repeated. “Look, I’m freaking the fuck out here Natalie.”
“Okay.” Natalie said calmly. “Just breathe.”
He blew out a plume of smoke. “I am breathing.”
“You’re breathing Nicotine.” She countered. “Just tell me what happened.”
Carmy closed his eyes as he recounted what happened between them.
“Hmm.” Natalie said. “So, she kissed you first?”
“Yes?” He asked. “Natalie, what do I do?”
“Did you like it?” She asked. “The kiss, I mean.”
Did he like it? He more than liked it which is the fucking problem.
His non answer was all the answer Natalie needed. “Well, then. Carmy, I can see where one would freak out with this scenario but—”
“But?” Carmy asked.
“It’s Sydney. You two have grown closer and you seem….lighter. More focused. Plus, the way you look at her when you think no one is watching.”
Carmy tensed. “How do I look at her?”
“Oh, god, Carmy.” Natalie sighed in obvious exasperation. “You look at her like the sun rises in her eyes. Just talk to her. Explore this with her. Whatever happens is meant to happen. Just don’t fuck it up.” With that, she hung up on him.
Carmy took a deep breath, feeling oddly calm with his sister’s sage advice and abruptness. He’ll wait an hour or two before checking in with her. In the meantime, he’ll smoke another cigarette or five.
8
Sydney paced the expanse of her bedroom as the scene from earlier replayed itself in her mind. She kissed Carmy. She kissed him. Her, the CDC, kissed the executive chef. Fuck! She shook her head, no. She kissed Carmy, her partner. Her friend. “Shit.” She muttered aloud. “Shit shit shit!” She face planted onto her bed and groaned curses into her pillows for the next few moments.
She turned onto her back and face-timed her best friend Tiffany. “Best friend.” She said when Tiffany’s face appeared on the screen a few moments later.
Tiffany smiled. “Hiii. Best friend. Oh, shit. What’s wrong?”
Sydney sighed. “Do you have time to talk?”
Tiffany nodded. “Yup. Just finished my last afternoon session. What’s up?”
Sydney took a deep breath. “I did something.”
“Uh oh. Okay. Well, the last time you used that phrase you slept with that weird ass bartender you gave your number to two years ago.”
Sydney screwed up her face as she remembered that terrible time. “Why was I trying to be so edgy?”
Tiffany shrugged. “I don’t know girl. So, tell me, what terrible life choice have you engaged in this time?”
Sydney took a deep breath and confessed. “I made out with Carmy.”
Tiffany slowly raised an eyebrow. “You mean the Carmy you’re opening up a restaurant with Carmy?”
Sydney nodded, feeling the tension rise in her body. “Yes.”
Tiffany’s lips began to tremble before she threw her head back and cackled. “Hahaha!”
Sydney sat up. “What?” She asked. “Why are you laughing?”
Tiffany shook her head as her cackling turned to quiet chuckles. “Girllllll,” she said, laughter in her tone. “I’ve been waiting for this phone call.”
“What do you mean?” Sydney asked with confusion. “What?”
Tiffany shook her head again. “Syd, every-time we talk it’s Carmy said this. Carmy cooked that. Carmy’s so innovative and creative. Carmy and I did this. Carmy, Carmy, Carmy.”
Sydney’s mouth opened in surprise. “I don’t—” She trailed off wracking her brain for the truth. Does she talk about Carmy that much? It just felt so natural. They’d been spending more time together and she’s been feeling more content because of it. “I—”
“Sydney,” Tiffany said. “It’s okay. I don’t mind that you talk about him so much. It’s nice to see you happy. Especially after the catering business situation.”
Sydney rubbed her forehead. “But it’s not okay. We’re starting a business together and I’ve seen the consequences of dating someone you work with in the kitchen. It’s awful.” And she didn’t want that to happen with Carmen. She didn’t want to lose whatever they had between them now.
Tiffany was nodding. “I have three questions for you.”
Sydney nodded. “Alright.”
“Question number one. How did the kiss make you feel?”
Sydney contemplated this, thinking back to the shy kiss she’d placed on his cheek before moving to his lips. It made the odd tingling sensation resurface, feeling butterflies. It was a nice feeling. A familiar warm feeling she’s come to associate with Carmy. “Safe.” She answered.
Tiffany nodded. “Safety is important to you. Question number two. Do you want to just sweep this away? Tell him it was a mistake, and you two shouldn’t go there again?”
“No.” She answered quickly. Her eyes widened in surprise. “Oh.”
Tiffany nodded once more. “Question number three. Do you have feelings for him?”
Sydney took her time to think about this. To uncover the things, she has been shoving into the back of her mind. In her mind’s eye she could see the box marked Carmy and she slowly opened it. The first thing she saw was his face. His always serious, intense expression. She thought about how his face transformed when he smiled, or when she made him laugh, which was happening more and more lately. She thought of the shy boyish look he’d given her when he shared his love of reading, particularly poetry or that his favorite poet was E.E. Cumings. The way he’d showed her his love of art and his drawings; mostly of food, but some of the people he’d encountered in his travels and of his family; mostly of his brother Mikey. The way he shared his music interests with her and his struggles with anxiety and panic.
There were layers and Sydney knew they ran deep. She knew Carmy didn’t share much about himself with others and she felt honored he chose her to share parts of himself with her. Every piece of himself shared with her felt like a gift and she wanted to know everything. “Yes.” She finally answered.
“Well then there you go.” Tiffany said simply. “I’m not saying your concerns aren’t valid because they are. You two share a professional relationship and a friendship that could be put in jeopardy. However, it’s important to explore these feelings, you can’t ignore them. You also can’t let fear get in the way of something that could possibly be good for you.”
“Damn.” Sydney said. “You’re good.”
“That’s why I get paid the big bucks.” Tiffany winked with a soft smile. “Take risk; take caution.”
Sydney nodded with a deep breath. “Our motto. Right.” She smiled. “Thank you, Tiff.”
“You’re very welcome, my love. How are you feeling now?”
Sydney nodded. “Clearer. Better. Thank you. Anyway, enough about me, tell me what’s going on with you?”
Tiffany grinned. “Girllll, let me tell you about Derek.”
88
Carmy: Are you okay?
Sydney stared at her phone, her heart suddenly picking up speed.
Sydney: Yes. I’m okay. Thank you for checking in.
She watched as the white bubbles appeared before disappearing.
Carmy: I’m sorry.
She frowned, not sure what he was sorry about.
Sydney: I’m sorry I ran away.
He took a few minutes to answer and then.
Carmy: Do you want to talk at our spot? I’ll come and pick you up.
He was talking about the stone bench on the beach overlooking the ocean he’d introduced her to as the spot he goes to think. Now he referred to it as their spot. Oh goodness.
Sydney: Yes, please.
8
There was an awkward silence between them on the car ride to the beach. Now, sitting together, staring out at the calming water, things were still awkward.
Sydney hated awkwardness. She glanced over at Carmy, unsurprised to see him staring at her so intensely that if she didn’t know him, she’d think he was going to murder her. “Umm—”
He blinked seemingly coming out of his one sided staring contest. “Yeah—”
Sydney huffed. “Why is this so awkward?”
“Because we’re awkward?” He answered. “I know I am. I’m not good with this.” He lifted a hand and gestured between the two of them. “Feelings I mean. Talking about them. Especially romantic ones.”
Sydney tensed at the word romantic. “Romantic?”
He gave her a sideways glance. “Well—yes?”
Sydney tensed up, closing her eyes trying to breathe through the weird tickling sensation. “I’m not good at it either. I’m like, the queen of repression when it comes to romantic feelings.” She gave him a wry smile. “What a pair we make huh?”
He nodded. “The blind leading the blind.”
“Tiffany told me I need to talk this through with you and explore my….feelings.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You told Tiffany?”
She nodded. “Well, yes she’s my best friend.”
He nodded. “Then I don’t have to feel guilty for telling Nat.”
Sydney’s eyes widened. “You told Natalie we kissed?”
He shrugged. “Well—I had to talk to someone before I passed out. Besides, she already thought we were having make out sessions before this happened.”
Her eyes widened. “What?!” She shook her head. “Do you think everyone else thinks the same?”
Carmy merely shrugged.
Sydney shook her head. “Geez.” She mumbled with a groan.
They both watched the ocean again, sitting quietly until Carmy softly spoke.
“Look, Sydney. These past few weeks have been great. I enjoy spending time with you.”
She nodded. “I enjoy it too. Spending time with you.” She felt like she couldn’t talk.
He looked genuinely relieved with her admission, and it made her sad to think he thought she wouldn’t reciprocate such feelings.
“There’s so much I feel like I want to say, but I can’t articulate it yet. Which is typical of me. I just—never thought I’d meet someone like you.”
“Someone like me?” She repeated.
He nodded. “Sydney, you’re completely out of my league.”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
He sighed. “I’m not—normal? Nor am I dating material. There is a lot wrong with me Syd and you—you’re beautiful in so many ways.”
Sydney shook her head. “Thank you for saying I’m beautiful Carmy, but you’re speaking like you don’t deserve me and that is crazy talk. It blows my mind at how great you are and not just because you can fucking cook.” She shook her head. Getting to see Carmy beneath the surface gave her a peek into how he saw himself, but damn. She was so shocked. “I’m weird too. I’m different. I have problems too, but that doesn’t mean—You know what? Fuck that. We aren’t in any leagues. We’re too different. They don’t exist when it comes to us.”
He gave her a small smile. “Us?”
She nodded, suddenly feeling confident. “Us.” She blew out a breath of air. “I think I just used all the data I had for confidence with that one statement, so…I like you, Carmen.”
Carmy nodded. “I like you too, Sydney.” He put his hand near hers on the stone bench. “I feel safe with you.”
She swallowed nervously; her eyes wide. “I feel safe with you too.” She moved her hand closer until her fingers touched his own. Hesitantly they intertwined their fingers. Sydney didn’t implode like she thought she would, and the tension slowly decreased. “Okay.” She said and he nodded.
“Okay.”
She squeezed his fingers. “Your hand is super sweaty.”
“No shit.” He said. “Sorry.”
“So—we keep doing the same things we’ve been doing?”
He nodded. “With added hand holding and kissing, maybe?”
“Oh, definitely yes.” She agreed. “But no sex. I—I’m not ready to go there. Not while we’re doing this.” She couldn’t deny herself at least a little bit of repression. She needed a clear head to decide if this was the right move while she explored this with him, and sex could make things foggy.
He didn’t seem bothered by that. “Okay. Can I kiss you?” he asked suddenly.
She nodded and met him half-way. The kiss was a chaste press of lips, but still nice. They rested their foreheads together when they pulled apart.
“Do you think Richie and Fak suspect something?” she asked idly.
88
Nothing changed, but everything did.
There were still hangouts, but they referred to them as dates now when they hung out with just the two fo them. There was still the stress of building the bear, but innocent kisses in between said stress. Their conversations were even deeper; more intimate if at all possible. There was more touching. The touching. Carmy liked to touch, Sydney discovered, always finding a way to brush his hands against her shoulders, her lower back, her hands, while they were at the bear, and she wondered if he was even aware that may not be appropriate for the workplace. Not to mention he had zero concept of personal space.
Not that she could find it in her to care even with Richie’s sly comments because he was nosy, and she knew he knew something was up between them. She knew Tina knew, because Tina always knew. She’s caught them standing too close more than once and almost always hit Sydney with that knowing smirk of hers. Sydney found she didn’t care too much, too busy enjoying Carmy’s attention and affection. It was fucking nice.
Sydney stood beside Carmy as they looked over their timeline. “The paint job looks really good.”
“Yes.” He agreed.
“Goodnight love birds!” Richie called to them as he exited the restaurant.
They both ignored him.
“Why do you hate the idea of getting a star so much?” she asked suddenly.
Carmy sighed. “I don’t just hate it. I fucking hate it.”
She raised an eyebrow.
He huffed. “Why do you want it so badly?”
She raised her other eyebrow as if he didn’t know. “Because it could make us super successful? Because it’s a tangible result of our hard work. You know I like results.”
He shook his head. “You don’t need to tie your value to something like that.”
She glared at him. “Says the person who has had multiple stars.”
“And it was a fucking nightmare.” he said, nodding. He turned to face her. “Look, Syd. I’m not trying to shit on your dreams or ambition, but I need you to understand why I’m so against it. There are benefits, yes, but the cost of it is too fucking high. The pressure is incredible. I’ve seen people lose their minds over it. I’ve had colleagues take their own lives because of it. You get one, you try to go for two and then three all the while you’re obsessed maintaining it. You lose yourself. Your creativity, and for what? I don’t want that for you Sydney. You’re too—special to lose yourself to such bullshit.”
Sydney took his words in, processing them seriously. Sydney knew, but she sometimes had to remind herself how much experience he had on her. How young he started out in this industry and how much more he knew than her. “I hear you. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I honestly didn’t really know. It’s not spoken about. Only how great it is. The standard.”
He nodded. “We can set our own standard without depending on or falling into that trap.”
Sydney nodded as she reached for his hand, pulling it into her own. “I still want one though.”
He shook his head with a laugh. “I know you fucking do.”
She squeezed his hand. “Just the one.” She let him pull her closer and she wrapped her arms around him. “I’ll play it cool. Focus only on building ourselves up before focusing on getting a star.”
He tightened his hold on her. “You have to give up everything to get it.” He said quietly.
She nodded against his shoulder. “Thank you for wanting to keep me safe. You’ll stop me from falling into the trap, won’t you?”
He kissed her forehead. “Of course. I’ll be right beside you.”
His words were fierce, and she could tell he meant it. She lifted her head to kiss his cheek.
“Tiffany invited me out tonight. Do you want to come along?” She asked, changing the subject. “It’s just her and her—man friend.” She explained when he didn’t look convinced. “Drinks. Dancing—you don’t have to dance. It’ll be fun and we won’t stay that long.” She grinned hopefully at him, somehow already knowing he was going to say yes.
88
Sydney opened the door, smile on her face as she moved to the side so Carmy could come in. Her eyes drifted closed as he walked past her, catching a whiff of his clearly expensive cologne. She closed the door, turning to catch sight of Carmy’s gaze sliding up and down her figure. “Umm—”
He met her gaze. “You look amazing.”
Her skin heated from the way he was looking at her. She had on a silk surplice copper bronze mini wrap dress with black ankle boots. She’d styled her braids in a high ponytail, light makeup, and gold hood earrings. “Thank you.” She said, stepping closer so she could kiss him. The heels made her a few inches taller than him. Their lips met in a series of innocent kisses. “You look good too.” she said, looking him up and down. He had on black jeans, black sneakers, a grey T-shirt, and a leather jacket. His hair was brushed and styled perfectly, and he smelled fucking expensive. “Is that Jacket vintage?” she asked idly.
He rolled his eyes. “Fuck off.”
She giggled. “Okay, Daddy Warbucks. I’m not the one wearing nine-hundred-dollar sneakers.” She spotted the Ferragamos on his feet. She reached for her purse, grinning at the amused look he was giving her.
“I like nice things.” He admitted and she raised an eyebrow.
“So, you’re admitting you’re rich?”
“Shut up and let’s go.” He laughed, ushering her out the door as she laughed at him.
88
The lounge was popping by the time they arrived. The music loud, but not obnoxiously so. The décor was beautiful with sconces, luxe leather and suede seating. Sydney held tight to Carmy’s hand as they followed Tiffany and her date to the VIP seating.
“Man, where the fuck do I know you from?” Derek asked, pointing at Carmy who looked at him with confusion.
“Uh—” Carmy trailed off and Tiffany sighed.
“Derek, baby, please. Just don’t.”
The waitress came and took their drink orders.
“Carmen do you want to know what we called Sydney during highschool?”
Sydney groaned and Carmy raised an eyebrow.
“What?” He asked.
“Mayor Adamu. She was the class president for freshmen, sophomore, and junior year.”
Carmy glanced at Sydney who looked more proud than embarrassed. “That doesn’t sound surprising.”
Sydney shook her head. “I kept that school in top shape for three whole years.”
“Of course, you did,” Camry said. “What happened to senior year?” he asked, and Tiffany shook her head, making cut it gestures with her hand to her throat.
Sydney suddenly exploded. “Tommy Martinez happened the fucking cheating asshole!”
Tiffany rolled her eyes. “You see, it’s been years and she still isn’t over it. We don’t talk about Senior year. Ever. It’s a hot topic for us. You’ll learn.”
Carmy turned his amused gaze to Sydney as she huffed. “You’re a winner in my book.” He praised her and she rolled her eyes at him. “What’d you do for your senior year if you weren’t being president?” he asked curiously.
Sydney shrugged. “I did a bunch of drugs. Slacked off.”
Tiffany scoffed. “She smoked a little bit of weed and got straight As while preparing for culinary school.”
“Dammit Tiff, I’m trying to sound edgy.”
Tiffany waved her hand. “So, Carmen, you treating my girl alright?”
He nodded. “I hope I am. Unless she’s told you otherwise.”
“Top Chef!” Derek suddenly yelled snaping his fingers. All eyes turned to him as he pointed at Carmy. “That’s where I know you from. Top Chef. You’re Carmen Berzatto. You were a guest judge on a couple of shows, and I saw your profile in food and wine. Top ten chefs under thirty-five in America. You were number one. Damn, yo, you’re fucking famous!”
Carmy started to look slightly uncomfortable, and Tiffany sighed again.
“Damn, Derek you can’t just be chill?” she asked before looking at Carmy. “I’m sorry Carmen, but he’s a little slow.”
Sydney choked out a laugh. “Tiff!”
“What?” She asked.
Sydney shook her head. “You can’t say shit like that and you of all people know that.”
Tiffany sucked her teeth. “I don’t mean it in a derogatory way. I’m just saying he should be aware you can’t put people on the spot like that. Especially celebrities.”
“I’m not a celebrity.” Carmy cut in.
“Wellll—” Sydney disagreed, grinning as he gave her an annoyed look.
“My bad,” Derek said. “My bad yo. I’m sorry. I just got star struck is all.”
Sydney snickered as Carmen blushed.
“It’s cool man.” Carmen said, relieved when the waitress arrived with their drinks.
Sydney sipped her Jazzy cucumber martini as she enjoyed the feel of Carmy’s warm hand on her bare knee. She glanced over at him as he held his drink. “You good?” She asked when their gazes met.
He nodded. “What are you drinking?”
“Cucumber Vodka with strawberry puree and a splash of champagne.” She put the glass to his lips so he could taste it. “What about you?” she asked, sniffing at his glass. “Bourbon huh?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “You even drink like you’re rich.”
Carmy laughed. “You’re a jerk.” He murmured as she brushed her nose against his own.
“But you like me.” She mumbled before their lips met in a quick kiss.
Someone cleared their throat and they pulled themselves from their bubble, both turning to see Tiffany watching them with amusement.
“Ya’ll are both disgustingly cute.”
“Ayo, Carmen can I get a selfie?” Derek suddenly asked, pulling his phone out.
“Derek!” Tiffany yelled.
Sydney snickered again.
88
“So, what do you think?” Sydney asked as she moved her hips on the dance floor.
“About what?” Tiffany asked as she twisted her hips. “Ohhh.” She said when Sydney gave her a knowing look. “He’s—cute. Handsome in a I’m an anxious tortured artist who comes from Dysfunction and Trauma sort of way.”
Sydney’s eyes widened. “How do you fucking do that?” she asked with awe. Tiffany has this innate ability to look at someone and know their life story.
Tiffany shrugged. “I’m a therapist. It’s a gift.” She smirked. “He really likes you, Miss Sydney.”
Sydney felt her face grow hot. “I like him too.”
Tiffany grinned. “Mmmmhmm. Ya’ll fucking yet?”
Sydney laughed and zipped her lips. “No. Stop that. Please. It’s not like that.”
Tiffany swayed her hips and shook her head. “Listen, all I’m saying is the hot sensitive loner tortured artist type is your type. It’s bound to happen.”
Both women burst into laughter.
Sydney quieted down and shook her head. “It’s not—” She trailed off as she felt someone come up behind her to dance and she turned. “No.” she said shaking her hand, waving him away. “Like no thanks!” She turned back to Tiffany with an annoyed look before she continued dancing. “It’s not like that with us. It’s comforting, you know? Very stress relieving and I feel comfortable with him; safe. It’s not lustful, just kissing and hand holding.”
Tiffany scoffed. “Oh, Sydney, shut the fuck up! and stop being a repressed lil’ bitch. That man wants to eat you alive.”
“What?” Sydney paused in her movements. “What are you talking about?”
Tiffany raised her arms and shimmied her hips as the beat intensified before she answered. “He looks at you like you’re an amuse bouche.”
Sydney looked impressed. “Nice use of food as a Metaphor.”
Tiffany Preened. “Thanks. I’m learning girl.”
“Now tell me what you mean?” Sydney asked a little desperately.
“He watches you, Sydney. Very intently. There’s this look in his baby blues like he wants to devour you. I’m not sure he even notices he’s doing it.”
Sydney paused in her movements once more and glanced over her shoulder at Carmy who was indeed watching her as he spoke to Derek distractedly. She swallowed and glanced back at Tiffany who raised a knowing eyebrow.
“I give ya’ll until the end of the month to start fucking.”
Sydney’s eyes widened. “Oh, my god! Tiffany!”
8
Typically, their kissing sessions were small innocent pecks, gentle moving lips. Never any tongue; just a comforting touch of lips.
Tonight, was different. They’d returned to his place with the sole purpose of Sydney getting him to make her food, but she had three martinis and became super handsy.
Carmy’s rough hands delicately held her face as their tongues pushed and pulled against each other. The girlish sighs and moans falling from Sydney’s lips seemed to aptly fuel his passion; his intensity made itself known; his true skill in kissing showed up and showed out. He sucked on her tongue like a lollipop. He nipped at her lips in a way that had Sydney straddling him, hitching her dress further up her thighs before pressing closer with a desperate moan. Who is this man? Tasting the inside of her mouth with such exquisite skill. He was devouring her. Was this what Tiffany was talking about?
Carmy grunted as she pressed down against the bulge in his jeans, his hands slipped from her cheeks to her waist as he pulled away to breathe. “Syd?” He questioned.
Sydney shook her head as she kissed underneath his chin before pushing her mouth back to his own. She removed his left hand from her hip and placed it onto her left breast. “Please.” She breathed against his lips. She placed her hand over his own and pressed against his hand, silently asking him to squeeze.
Carmy nodded mutely as he squeezed, his moan ending with a whimper as she grinded against him. His head fell back against the couch with a surprised groan. “What are we doing?” He panted, pleasure making his brain short circuit.
Sydney paused. “You want to stop?” She panted and he quickly shook his head.
“Do you?” He asked and her answer was another hard grind against his dick.
Their lips met in a series of dirty, sloppy kisses, panting in each other’s mouths from the pleasure shared between them. His arms wrapped around her body, one hand moving up to hold the back of her neck as her moving hips increased. She moaned, neck arching. His mouth attached itself to her throat and he sucked the skin there.
“God!” Sydney moaned, gripping his hair in her hands as he gently nipped at her throat. “Fuck, I’m so wet Carmy. I’m coming.”
He was close, vaguely mortified that he was going to come in his pants, but also not caring because the woman in his arms currently consumed all his senses. “Sydney.” He groaned, eyes closing tightly as pleasure made his body go rigid underneath her from the shock of it.
They both trembled, bodies fighting for breath as they slowly came back to their senses, both reveling in the feelings of euphoria felt from this quick yet extremely satisfying release. His eyes slipped open when he felt her hand touch his cheek. They stared at one another, both feeling the impact of what had just happened. Sydney leaned forward, resting her forehead against his own as he tightly wrapped his arms around her.
TBC
Coming Up:
Sydney: How did you know I would love that song?
Carmy: Because you’re romantic and soft hearted.
Sydney reached for her pillow and screeched joyfully into it.