Work Text:
Saying goodbye to him had been bittersweet. Not the first time, in Afghanistan. That had been a whirlwind of danger, and urgency, and saying goodbye to Steve on the phone hadn’t stung nearly as much as it might have in person. It had hurt, but not having to see his face, combined with her new sense of purpose in Afghanistan, had softened the blow. For her, at least. It had felt right to her. She missed having an independent career. How could she have told Steve ? It sounded so arrogant, so petty, not to mention indecisive. She’d missed the Navy. She’d been so glad to find something of her own, just her own, with Billy. Something she’d earned, showcasing her skills, her experience, her contacts. And then Billy was gone, and Steve welcomed her so very quickly into Five-0. He’d loved having her around, she knew he’d loved having all of his team, his people where he could see them. But it had rankled with her. She’d felt somewhat shoe-horned into Steve’s life, his team. Had she got the job as Lieutenant Catherine Rollins, ex-officer, a capable, well trained individual, or as Cath, girlfriend to Commander McGarrett, freshly traumatized, unemployed, down on her luck, in need of a job ? She’d felt like herself once more in Afghanistan. She was Lieutenant Catherine Rollins again. She was valued, respected in her own right.
She’d left Five-0, left Steve for her leads in Afghanistan with an inward thrill, a secret giddiness at the new challenge. She had a life again. She was someone, outside of Steve, outside of Five-0. Just some time away, and she would see him again. Get their relationship back on track, so she was his equal again.
Her lead had panned out eventually, and she’d got Amir back. And then, she’d found purpose in protecting Amir and his family. She’d settled into the new way of life, the new routine. She’d moved on with her life in Afghanistan, and Steve’s ohana (her ohana, her friends, at the very least) had moved on with theirs. She couldn’t miss Kono’s wedding. She couldn’t. She liked Kono. Kono had understood. Kono, who tried to make a name for herself, separate from that of her cousin. Kono, who was brave enough to stand with her cousin first, then to risk Five-0’s censure to guarantee their continued security. Kono, the youngest, the only woman in Five-0, and incidentally, her co-conspirator in studying (and commenting on, and judging) the weird habits of the McDanno organism.
She’d returned to Hawaii, seen Steve again. But she couldn’t bring herself to tell him everything. How could she talk about the CIA to him ? They’d taken his mother from him, in a way. They still separated Doris and Steve, with the secrets that Doris kept. How could she tell Steve that she too was an agent now ? Would he see it as Cath choosing them over him ? Like Doris ? She didn’t want to be another Doris, didn’t want to be someone else who left him. But didn’t she, too, get to have a life ? If Steve got to be Commander McGarrett, couldn’t she still be Lieutenant Rollins ? Couldn’t she work to make the world better ? There was so much that needed doing.
He’d been happy to see her. He’d been in the Navy, he knew about missions. He knew that some sights could stick with you. Some of the…things you saw, you couldn’t erase. You felt driven to help. It had been blissful, shutting herself away with him, just being in his company. If only she could just live like this. Missions and reunions. But he wanted more than that, even if he didn’t tell her himself.
She was glad that Danny had come to her. She couldn’t always be with Steve, and he needed someone looking out for him. Danny seemed more than willing to take the job. Steve was his boy, apparently. It hurt, that she couldn’t have what she wanted. Not the mission and Steve. But if Steve wanted more, she wasn’t ready yet. She couldn’t say when she would be, and she didn’t want to string him along, even accidentally. She was glad that she and Danny talked, for Steve’s sake and her own. And she’d been happy to see Danny again. She’d first accepted him as Steve’s friend, but she’d grown to like him on his own merits. He was a loyal friend, and passionate besides. She appreciated his honesty, the fact that he didn’t play games. She always knew where she stood with him. And she appreciated his protectiveness, although right now, he channeled it in defending Steve from her. But he was Steve’s partner and best friend. You don’t mess with a man’s partner.
So she tried her best to be gentle with Steve, gentle and real, because he deserved that much. She couldn’t just be a member of Five-0, an extension of Steve. It wasn’t hers, and she wanted something that would be hers. So she left him again. For the CIA, this time, not knowing whether or not she wanted him to find out the truth.
But leaving Steve would never be that easy. He saved her life, and she didn’t even know. Deep undercover somewhere or the other (the missions all felt the same at night, in foreign territory), she had no idea of Steve, of Five-0 fighting to keep her safe. But she thanked him. She saw him again, asked him to help her with Doris. She didn’t enjoy mentioning Doris, but if something happened ? And Steve was left, not knowing what had happened to Doris ? Steve deserved to know. And apparently, sentiment cost her such a crucial number of brain cells, that she told him she would have married him. No, she’d not made a commitment to the CIA, yes, she’d been utterly willing to hang up her dog tags and set up residence in Hawaii. Sure. Good going, Cath. Go down that road, try and picture what might have been. It won’t hurt either of you.
Back to the CIA, then again to Hawaii. She asked for Steve’s help, and he gave it. It felt nice, just the two of them (and Jerry).
More missions, more secrets. Arms dealing, government toppling, intelligence gathering, intelligence analysis. One mission after another. Thank you for your service, Lieutenant Rollins, please go to room X to be briefed on your next mission. Mission successful, mission catastrophic but somehow successful, can’t fail, important work to be done. Move forward, keep moving forward, left, left, left-right-left. Keep marching. And Joe White was dead. How could he be dead ? He’d practically shoved Steve towards her, he’d kept taking missions even after his ‘retirement’. How was Steve dealing ? How was Steve ? What was he doing ? Was he with Joe ? Yes, apparently he was with him. Steve was with Joe White, and Danny wasn’t with Steve. Figured. Steve goes off alone, no Danny, no Five-0, and Joe dies, and Steve tries to mourn him alone. No, Steve. Just no. She’d call Danny, because he’d probably drive himself crazy worrying, and she’d help Steve mourn. Or was it ‘mourn’ ? Never mind. They’d keep themselves busy, somehow, ‘til Danny joined them. And then he’d help her with Steve.
And he did. They made a good team, the three of them. And Harry, and everyone else. But she didn’t miss the Navy anymore. The SEALs didn’t feel like home (and the CIA never had). Huh. When did that happen ? She enjoyed seeing Steve, and Danny. Both of them. She didn’t want to lose touch again. Who knew what would happen if she did ? Would Steve try for more dangerous missions ? And Danny – he’d gotten shot ?! What was he doing, getting shot ? How’d he manage to get shot in quarantine ? Cath was definitely keeping in touch. A girl goes away, and Five-0 disbands and reforms in her absence. One more SEAL, one disgraced police cadet. What were they even doing ? Kono got divorced ? After everything ? All that she and Adam had gone through, and they got divorced. And Chin was raising a child. Now this was vital intelligence. Cath had so much to catch up on. And she did.
She left again, the missions continued, but this time, she tried to keep in contact, as much as she could. Kono was running a task force now. And she was doing it well. How did it feel ? Lonely, fulfilling, both ? What happened between you and Adam, Kono ? And Steve. Danny’s doing this, Junior’s doing that, Adam may have something going on with an old friend, please tell me about your life, Steve. Grace was WHAT ? Are you alright, Danny ? How’s Grace ? How are you ? How’d she get in a car accident ? Are you sure you wanna give it another try with Rachel ?
Someone else wanted revenge on Steve. Join the club. Anything she could do ? No, Steve was unscathed, Jerry was gone, they had a new team member ! Another woman. That’s good – apart from Cath’s own brief membership, Five-0 had consisted of more men than women. Still would, but at least they had one more. Another ex-military gal. Steve seemed to attract military people. And, from what Danny said, she gave him flashbacks to when he first met Steve. Danny described her as the feral, unsocialized female version of Steve, and Cath really wanted to meet Quinn Liu. She sounded like she’d be a fun person to know.
Danny’d been setting Steve up on dates, because he was worried about Steve being alone. No, Steve, talking about your work-husband is not prime first-date conversation. Danny, Steve’s lack of a sex life is not a sign of the apocalypse, don’t go crazy. She would have to hear about it from Steve.
Doris was dead. Good riddance, she’d kept secrets (she had Cath keep secrets), and didn’t seem to want a relationship with Steve, the way Steve did with her. She mostly ended up hurting him. But Steve. How was Steve taking it ? Was Danny with him ? Good. At least he had someone there. He wouldn’t be alone.
Then Danny had to go to New Jersey again (the trips had increased, after Matty’s death – he’d left a mess !) and Steve wasn’t answering his phone. No, Danny, she was sure nothing had happened. Yes, Danny, it’s wonderful that he finally talked to you. Excuse you, all Navy people are not emotionally stunted, Danny. Just look at Cath, herself.
The next major crisis was to do with Daiyu Mei. Wo Fat had a wife ? A WIFE ? And, of course, she wanted Doris’ cipher. Because, of course, she left Steve a cipher. Because that’s how it worked with Doris McGarrett. Could she work it out ? Of course she could. She’d worked in intelligence, and it was for Steve. Speaking of Steve…Danny’d been unusually quiet. Was he alright ?
Yes, he was. He’d just been taken by Daiyu M – WHAT ? What did he mean, “Just been taken by Daiyu Mei” ? What the hell was he doing, only telling her now ? But no, she needed to hurry, Steve was getting on a plane to leave Hawaii (again, what ?) and Danny thought he’d be pleased to see her. Thanks for your approval, Danny. So glad that he thought she’d be good for his boy. Yes, she could see what he was doing. No, she wasn’t blind.
Cath was looking forward, really looking forward to seeing Steve again. Maybe they could actually decide, this time. She’d been away so long, and they’d been through so much. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be so far away from them. What if they needed her help ? What if Steve needed her, and she wasn’t in time ? Yes, it would be good to see Steve again.