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The night air was peaceful and calm. In her mind, Lizzie felt like she didnt deserve calm. The last time she had truly let herself enjoy calm for more than the fleeting hours or days on the ship was upon the shore she and Chey washed up on.
It was true, on the sea with Caspian and her crew there were often moments of calm, where no one had anything to do besides wittle away time below decks playing cards and waiting for those above to get tired of rigging and switch out. She liked to think her crew liked her enough, but she understood why she may not be welcomed always at the table, so she tended to spend more time in her quarters or in the crows nest or working on the rigging. She valued hard work, looked to instill that same value in her crew and was no hypocrite. Caspian often told her she worked too hard for a Captain on a pirate ship, but she disagreed. Though to be fair, her memories from the Black Rose are old and warped from isolation, so her recollection of what made a Captain was mostly based off the stories of Chey.
Chey made up most of her memories of the Black Rose. So did Chip. After washing up, she had gone through a panic in fear that she would forget the things she barely learned while at sea. Each day she and Chey would repeat the names of the crew, and each night they would trace the constellations, point the cardinal directions, practice knots till her fingers grew as scared and calloused as Chey’s, and keep some sense of bearing in the swallowing loneliness. That was the only way she got off the island, the only way she kept hope that she and Chey weren‘t the only ones left.
Even now she had the names of the crew of the Black Rose close to her heart, some people no longer faces and only names to her. She could recite them like she could recite the pirate code. Some people stood out still, the feeling of Rufus‘s wiry fur in her hands, the feeling of vertigo that accompanied Arlin tossing her in the air like she was featherweight, the creak of the helm and the sting of salt in her eyes and the feeling of well worn wood under her fingers when Jug would indulge her, the sound of glass breaking during another impromptu shooting contest started by Drey, how her head would hurt trying to look at Finns notes and how he would gladly sit her down and explain it to her for hours. She remembered especially well the barking voice of Captain Rose, giving orders and slipping her and Chip advice on Captaining like a man slipping his dog scraps under the table. He was fond of the pair of them, the two orphans who found family on the sea. Lizzie still remembered the hushed conversation she overheard between Arlin and Captain Rose, the Captain softer than she had ever seen him as he told Arlin to keep them together, that he saw a future in them that they could make themself. Of course, Chip never listened to the Captain like she did, hanging off every word of Arlin instead like he hung the stars while Liz learned her first lessons on leading a crew of outlaws.
Some small part of her was jealous of Chip and his co-captains. The amount of respect, trust and love the trio held for eachother made it far from a workplace as could be possible. Sure, her crew was closer to a family than a workplace, but at the end of the day she was still the boss of her crew, she commanded their respect and her crew swore loyalty to her promise. The three of them, they had no ranking, no secrets, no squabbles over pay or risk of a coup looming. Even if she knew that her crew would never betray her, the thought still terrified her. Shed heard of more loyal crews turning from their Captain, and to have a position of power was terrifying.
Another part of her knew how stupid the entire idea was. She trusted Chip, trusted that he could make it work, but that doesnt change the fact that it was stupid. One wrong move and resentment brews until everything breaks apart. The Albatross may sail as far as its namesake can fly, but she doubts it will be as steady.
Chip, though a huge idiot, had a good sense of people. Not neccessarily a leader though stubbornly not a follower, its clear he‘s used to going his own way until others go their own way with him. Chip was no complicated puzzle, the type of man to only yield to another that has earned his respect, and relying on that trust and respect too heavily in the case of his heros.
Gillion was a ticking time bomb. Charming, ignorant, naive, and strong, the triton was a recipe for disaster. Lizzie knew little of triton culture but understood a few basic things. Honor is valued above anything, combat is best to restore honor, and morality tends to be black and white in their eyes. She hates to make generalizations, but what Caspian told her seems to check out. Though Chip and most pirates lacked any semblance of honor, the rule of honor among theives and the respect pirates hold for one another may be close enough. Lizzie is wary of him, wary that one look behind the curtain will lead to a disaster and wary that Chip doesnt respect the careful ignorance of grey morality Gilleon keeps.
Jay was probably the hardest yet easiest to put together. She is thankful the world keeps turning, not very outspoken besides moments she feels deserve her dramatics. Her eyes are sharp and observant, each time Lizzie steps into a room with her feeling like she is being looked through and assessed for all shes worth. The feeling of that gaze on her skin makes her shiver, makes her trigger finger twitch and her back tense. Its obvious shes Navy, and even more obvious she stands for nothing the Navy does. The contradiction is blatant and ironic and so, so dangerous. It leaves Lizzie spinning and confused and she hates being confused.
Jay is dangerous. This is a fact. This was what led lizzie to stand behind her in a minimalist hotel room, Jay cloaked in nothing but a towel, cocking a gun with a thumb on the hammer and a finger on the trigger and placing in against the back of her skull. Jay is loyal. This is another fact. This realization found her aboard the decks of two ships sailing side by side, a leviathan wrapped tight around the pair, watching while Jay tried everything she could, tears or maybe just rain welling up in her sharp eyes.
Perhaps worst of all, a fact that Lizzie wished she never realized in the first place, is the fact that Jay was entrancing. This was what led her to the back corner of a dingy bar, staring dazedly at a Jay who‘s eyes were just a bit softer than usual. This was what led her to write letter after letter after letter, vague words and barely sentences trying to convey the emotion so she could put it away and never think about it again. This was what led Jay into her mind, into her thoughts, into her own bed in the form of vivid night terrors. It’s ridiculous, the fact that her brain would fear losing Jay so much. Especially when Jay holds so much opportunity for betrayal at any point.
The thing that makes it even worse is Jays obvious loyalty to the Navy, even still. She's gotten better, but Lizzie finds it hard to trust a traitor, no matter which side of the line Jay lands on.
It has been a long time, though, and Lizzie gets tired of constant animosity. So giving up little tidbits of her almost chicken scratch of a plan and acting way more confident than she truly was in it was how she progressed.
That night she stood perched on the crows nest, long coat wrapped around her nightclothes to keep her fingers from freezing off, watching the stars as the void of the sky swallowed her whole. The wind nipped at her nose but not her ankles, boots still on despite her state of bed attire. There was silence besides the creaking of the hull and the gentle lapping of the waves. The rock too and fro of the ship made standing atop the nest dangerous for anyone who wasn‘t Captain Elizabeth. The helmsman, a short statured and incredibly muscular hafling woman named Hildred, covered with weights and metals that made steering such a large ship much easier and who jingled with every heavy step she took, stands long below lunging gently each time she corrects course. Some other crew are lazily going about, the ones that usually take the night shift, fixing up the rigging and tightening knots, following the infrequent calls of Hildred.
Lizzie can see the pale blue skin of her first mate, Caspian, drinking tea and chatting absently with Hildred. She spends some time staring until Hildred notices, sending Lizzie a wave and a wink and Caspian giving her a warm smile. Then her gaze happens to dart to the board that connects The Crescent Moon to The Albatross, and its caught by a head of red hair. Jay Ferin. Lizzies heartbeat picks up, and before she can even look long enough to call it staring, Jay‘s head snaps up, their eyes meeting. Lizzie breaks it first, takes a stagger back then turns to look back at her crew. And for a while her face stays warm, until the feeling starts to fade and Jay drifts to the back of her mind, where she always is nowadays.
That is right up until the final creak of the ladder that ascends to the crows nest alerts Lizzie to a visitor. She assumes it’s Caspian, then realizes it’s better not to assume when connected to the Albatross and turns, only to be met with the face of Jay. Fuck.
Lizzie stares ahead again, not acknowledging Jay, and she feels a thump next to where shes standing and a sigh. When Lizzie can‘t fight her temptation to look anymore, she is met with Jay, sitting against the wooden wall of the crow’s nest, her face tilted upward to the air with her sharp eyes closed. She looks like she's been crying. Shit. Jay’s eyes open and catch her staring again. SHIT. Lizzie lets out a sigh of her own, throwing her head back and closing her eyes. Silence for a few more moments. Liz has never been comfortable with quiet.
“Id ask what was wrong, sunshine, but I have a feeling I know what's keeping you up.” Lizzie opens her eyes and meets Jay’s again, then takes a seat beside Jay.
A self deprecating laugh, small and weak, escapes Jay as she pulls her knees up to her chest. “What gave it away?” She asks pitifully.
“Other than the fact you look like shit? You being up this late and not being on helm.” Jay cocks her head curiously and Lizzie explains further. “Your crew’s too small to spare any hands, so if you aren't doing anything, you're usually sleeping.”
Jay almost looks surprised as she replies, a hint of resignation in her tone “Thanks for the compliment. I think you’ve been paying more attention to my crew than I have, Captain Lizzie.”
“You may have a sharper eye than me, Captain Jay, but I grew up a pirate. I know how to keep a crew running, even if it isn't mine.” Lizzie speaks. There's a moment of silence that stretches. Just as Lizzie is about to interrupt the quiet again, Jay takes the lead instead.
“Why do you keep looking at me, Lizzie? You know I'm not gonna betray you to the Navy anymore. I thought we were ok, was I wrong?” Jay says calmly. Dread and embarrassment floods Lizzies throat and she can feel it pool in her windpipe. It's instant, and so intense it takes a moment for the lump to die down into sad resignation.
“I'm surprised you dont already know, Miss Eagle Eyes. I thought nothing escaped your vision.”
Jay laughs, a sweet, quiet, huff of a thing.
“Some things escape even me, y’know. I'm not perfect, no matter how much I wish I was.”
Lizzie chuckles lightly “No one is perfect, not even I’m perfect,” She says. She lets the sound of a wave breaking against the side of the hull pass, then speaks again. “To be honest, I’m not even sure why I keep looking at you,” she lies. Jay almost looks disappointed. “Maybe it's just that your hair keeps catching my eye.”
Jay looks down. “That makes sense. Wish it had been something more exciting, but that makes more sense.”
Lizzie throws her head back, marinates in the quiet for a bit. Then she moves to get up. “Fuck, I need a drink.” she says, rubbing her temples.
“Mind if I join you? Tonight hasn’t been too kind to me.” Jay asks hopefully.
Lizzie sighs again and reaches out an arm to help Jay up “Fine, but you’re only getting tipsy, and if you fall off the plank trying to get back to your bird it's on you.”
Jay giggles and shakes her hand where they are still connected, and electricity sparks between them. While Jay climbs down the ladder, Lizzie decides to climb the rigging, not ideal with her night clothes but manageable. They meet at the bottom of the mast and while they walk to the fo'castle to the captains quarters, Lizzie quickly yells to Hildred and Caspian.
“Me and sunshine are gonna get a drink, either of you need a refill?”
Hildred lifts a waterskin full of booze with a big grin. “I’m all good here, cap’n!”
Caspian lifts the teacup hes drinking from, Shouting slightly to be heard “No indulging for me tonight, plus I would just hate to interrupt your date with Miss Jay”
Lizzie takes the opportunity while walking into the captain's quarters to walk backwards with two middle fingers pointed up at Caspian. “Fuck you, Caspian. have a good night”
“And you as well Captain.” he says, amusement and mirth in his tone.
When Lizzie opens the door to her quarters, she notices Jay is blushing as she walks in. she files it away into things that mean things she wont let herself figure out now, and shuts the door behind the pair. “Make yourself at home sunshine.” Lizzie motions to the room, the chair at her desk, the chair in the corner of her room, her well made bed and the smaller hammock that hangs up in the corner of her room. She goes to her desk and starts readying two glasses, as she does hearing the bed squeak, then she pauses for a moment. “You like whiskey?”
Jay doesnt say anything for a moment, and when Lizzie turns to check on her she sees Jay petting at the soft, blood red blanket she keeps on her bed.
“Jay? Whiskey?”
“Yeah, sorry, I could go for some, thanks.”
Lizzie pours out just enough to warm up the body, not enough to loose any inhibition. She doesnt feel like losing control tonight. She hands Jay her glass and takes a small sip of her own, enjoying the slightly sour taste and the burn internally, though she had long since grown out of any strong reaction. She places her glass down on her desk and sits on the red velvet upholstered seat, then takes off her coat and begins undoing her complex boots. It's not instinct, to lower her guard like this around Jay, but it's something she does to prove her trust in the other woman and to lighten the atmosphere for drinks. She can feel Jay‘s eyes on her, as the excess clothing is shed and she's just left in her night clothes.
She hears clunking from behind and turns to look curiously at Jay, taking off her own shoes and her coat. Her eyes snap up to Lizzie, who swears to herself at how keen this woman is, and she giggles and goes back to her shoes. “What? I’m just getting comfy. Might as well if we’re gonna be drinking.”
“Ok, but you leave something here, and you pay randsom to get it back.”
Jay laughs again and Lizzie watches the rise and fall of her back, how she neatly folds her coat and aranges all her things in a neat pile.
Then Lizzie sits beside Jay, and, in a moment of compulsion, lays down fully, her legs dangling off the side of her bed. Something in such a carefree movement in front of someone as collected and unpredictable as Jay makes her bristle like a nervous cat, so she sits up again, the discomfort only slightly quelled. She takes another sip of whiskey.
“I got this one during a raid on a merchant vessel, y’know. All the crew outnumbered them 3 to 1, and they knew better to fight without weapons. The Captain had been treating some crew horribly, so we picked them up and they told me exactly where he kept his favorite whiskey.”
“How do you feel about it?” Jay asks. She mirrors Lizs earlier movement of laying down, careful with her whiskey so it doesnt spill. “I haven’t had anything this rich since I left my mom’s bar.”
Lizzie is struck with the amount of trust, or maybe just naïveté, this action takes. She could straddle Jay and choke her out right now, or try anyways. Instead, she speaks again. “Its mediocre, only tastes good while I imagine the face of that son of a bitch when I pointed to the bottle. I think rich brew isn’t as good as the stuff down on their luck people make, that shit will knock you on your ass and have you begging for more.”
Jay starts a story then, her face turning contemplative as she does. “I had an Uncle, kinda the family shame, who made his own moonshine. I remember sneaking some as a kid and getting sick off one sip.”
Lizzie couldn't hold back a laugh. “I see you were still a lightweight back then too, huh.” she teases, and Jay makes an affronted noise.
“I’ll have you know my tolerance is entirely normal on land, pirates just drink this stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner.”
Lizzie laughs while Jay pouts childishly, taking a large sip of the whiskey and only making Lizzie laugh harder when she coughs and winces after swallowing.
Jay pulls a face that reminds Lizzie of her and Chip the first time they drank on the ship, and a small smile at the reminder emerges on her lips. Theres silence that follows this, and the two women stew in it until Lizzie again interrupts it.
“So I know we went over it earlier, but what brought you aboard my ship?” Lizzie asks in faux indifference.
“What if I just wanted to see you?” Jay has a little smirk across her face as she looks up at lizzie, whos mouth is now agape and whos face is now flushed.
Lizzie needs a moment to reassure herself of what she just heard. As the seconds pass, Jay’s face drops a little at a time.
“I’m sorry?” Lizzies face is flushed as she looks incredulously toward Jay, as if she has misheard the words Jay had just spoken.
Jay rolls away from her in fetal position, turning her back to Lizzie as she hurriedly excuses, “No, nevermind, it was stupid. I’ve just probably been getting the wrong vibe from you.”
“And what vibe is that, Sunshine?” Lizzie challenges Jay. Theres dread there, in her stomach, but also excitement and curiosity, even if she knows the gist of what Jay means.
They are and have been dancing around it for so long. From the hatred something else bloomed, something Lizzie has been stubbornly ignoring and refusing to acknowledge for what it is. Now she gets the feeling that Jay knows what it is too, and has the strength to not only face it, but drag Lizzie kicking and screaming into the light with her.
Jay mumbles something under her breath and Lizzie sits up to loom over her. “What was that, Sunshine?”
Jay huffs, then turns back on her back so she is staring directly up at Lizzie.
“I’m not blind y’know, I know you've been staring at me and it's not just because of my hair.”
Lizzie is quiet and this seems to give Jay a bit of confidence. She stands and goes to put her glass of whiskey on the desk, then speaks again.
“At first I was pretty sure it was cause you hated me, but I think I've put the pieces together tonight. I’ve been hated by you, I know you don't give a shit about avoiding conflict. And it's clear you can stand my presence, even welcome it.” Her hands linger on the desk as she takes a few steps around, the cramped captains quarters making it so she also brushes past where Lizzie is sitting, teeth clenched and pupils darting.
“But its not that you hate me, is it Lizzie? You've been acting different, and it's not exactly subtle. Not to mention, I'm not exactly inexperienced.” Jay meets her eyes with a smirk
“What are you implying?” Lizzie is going over her options in her head. Run, not very good long term but shes considering it. Pretend to have business to attend to. She feels like Jay is the type to be stubborn on this sort of thing. Kiss her so she shuts the fuck up and stops talking about how shes crushing on Jay like a fucking kid. So very attractive of an idea, but she's not sure that won't land her a slap. Infact, she's not completely sure this isnt Jay blackmailing her or something, it's not like Jay has given her any hints, at least not any she's picked up on. Fuck, shes trapped.
“I’m just implying that you may have feelings for me besides hate, and you should know that should you… /display/ those… not hate feelings toward me, I wouldn’t be opposed. to that I mean.” Jay’s smug smirk is turning shier and Lizzie hates the way it makes her heart spin.
“Ok, Ferin, I'm into you, you caught me. I love women, and I’m weak for a strong, tall ginger. Do you want me to do something about that or no?”
Jay stands infront of where Lizzie is sitting, blush growing on her face, as she looks at the fellow captain. “What, were you not expecting that? You act all cocky about not being blind then when you’re proven right you act all surprised.”
Jay seems to snap out of it, blush still painting her face, “You’re awfully defensive when admitting you’re into someone who also admitted to being into you, y’know”
“Yeah ok, and?”
Jay huffs a chuckle “Whatever, can I kiss you?” she asks and Lizzie remains the same pink shade she was earlier, grabbing Jay’s collar and pulling her down to meet her lips.
They kiss for a moment, the plush heat of Jay’s lips, still somehow soft, meeting the salt chapped lips of Lizzie, and Jay melts into the kiss, her arms on Lizzie’s shoulders. When they separate, they touch foreheads together, Jay sighing and Lizzie taking the chance to say the truth, “I've been wanting to do that for weeks, sunshine.”
“You kiss like you fight, Liz.”
“And you kiss like you know me far better than you should.”