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How do people understand each others ?
Why would I spend important time sitting next to my mom during her appointment just so that I could be bored and she could call me names ?
Why do I need to pretend to relate to people and when they find out they call me a liar and a fake friend, a bad friend even ?
Why when I’m being genuine about not relating and not understanding people call me an asshole and that I think I’m better than everyone else ?
I just don’t understand, it’s a boring appointment for me and then we’re gonna get groceries. what’s the point in me coming?
When I pretend it put me through shit and when I don’t it puts me through shit.
Why can’t I relate? Im supposed to be human ! Humans feel emotions, they relate, they feel, they understand… I don’t. Am I an alien, am I dysfunctional? Am I broken? I’ve always been like this. Am I just not made to ever fit in, in any way ? I understand psychology, why people do things and how they might react a certain way to things happening. I understand the logic behind it never the emotion …
I don’t get it when people get happy over little things, I don’t get how someone could be jealous, I don’t get why people go crazy. I never did and I don’t know if I ever will?
In the end I’ll probably never be a good friend . I’ll probably never be a good son. I’ll probably never be a good father. I’ll never be a good person. People call me an asshole, they say I act like a robot. Maybe my soul broke? Maybe the lord didn’t give me one ? Maybe he forgot it ? Maybe i lost it on the way ? Maybe people sucked it out ?
I don’t really like anything, I don’t really like anyone, I don’t really have a purpose. I go through the motions like on a loop. I comfort people like I saw in a movie once because I dont relate. I eat, sleep and work even tho I don’t want to.
I want it to stop because I want to experience peace.
I keep pretending because I want to experience life like people describe it to me : raw, genuine, passionate life and emotions.
I like to say that it’s my fathers fault for me being like this, because he himself feels like this. Because he broke me into tiny pieces… And I keep trying to glue the pieces back together but I’m missing an important one and they don’t want to stick together.
Can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed, the last time that I didn’t pretend. Can’t remember being myself because I’ve been trying to fit in everyone’s blocs.
“That’s how a good friend is, that’s what a good friend does, that’s what normal people do”
I’ve been trying to fit in so hard, I failed pathetically and I also can’t remember how to be me.
I have no idea what to do, I’m like a soldier who just discovered free will.
“Free will is like a rope and god wants you to hand yourself with it“ - Castiel