Chapter Text
“Marinette, I’m your very best friend. You can tell me anything.”, Alya’s voice echoed in Marinette’s head. She stirred in her bed, sleep eluding her.
She remembered her voice cracking as she put her words together, and broke Alya’s heart. “I- Als…I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you.”
“Luka…the truth is the one thing I can’t tell you…”
Alya’s eyes had softened, she’d wrapped her arms around Marinette and given her the warmest hug she’d ever had. Marinette didn’t need to be a superhero to see the hurt in Alya’s eyes, and she tried! She tried to open her mouth, to take it back, to tell her…but the words wouldn’t come.
Alya had pulled away slowly, removed her arms ever so softly and smiled at Marinette, who’d made a sound, something akin to a low wail. Her best friend said nothing, turned away, and descended the ladder to Marinette’s room.
She’d felt Tikki nudge her cheek, she thought. Wayzz sat on her shoulder, trying to hug her. Sass had tried to nuzzle into her palm, but Marinette had remained perfectly still, unmoving for what seemed like an eternity. When she did finally snap out of her daze, something inside the young Ladybug broke, shattered into a billion pieces never to be put back together. Not even the Cure could fix it. Like a door had just been slammed in her face, leaving Marinette in a pitch-black room, with no escape.
That had been…three, four? Maybe five months ago, Marinette thought, fluffing her pillow again. Absentmindedly, her hand went to Tikki’s usual spot, but she was gone. Well, in the Miracle Box because she’d wanted to talk to the Kwami, but still. Not with her. As the Guardian, she knew it was important, but as Marinette, she wanted her friend. It felt cold without Tikki next to her. Sighing, she pulled off her blanket and got out of bed. Did two hours of sleep really matter, when there’d been at least one Akuma every night for the past two months? In hindsight, probably.
Marinette didn’t care. She didn’t. She was fine. She missed Alya. She missed Rose. She was okay, really, it was fine! She missed her friends. She was Ladybug. She had Chat Noir. She was the Guardian. A chill went down her spine, a sob threatened to escape her, but she took a deep breath and sat down at her sewing machine, turning on her desk light and getting to work.
Taking commissions amidst this whole mess was not a good idea, she knew that. It was also the only thing that made her happy. Sewing, embroidery, crafting, making things. Dresses, shirts, earrings, bracelets, whatever she had the materials for. At Max’s recommendation and with his help, she’d even made a website for her stuff! MDC Fashions. He didn’t know the name, nobody did. This was her project. Her hours, her creations, her responsibilities.
Marinette decided what commission to take, she sorted through messages from potential clients, and (with some slight help from Jagged, who’d insisted on helping) had set up a bank account for the money to go into. It was technically his, but she’d been pressured into changing the passcodes to something he wouldn’t know, unless of course she’d prefer if he started advertising her stuff to every designer and studio he knew, because she was that good in his eyes. “Those totally rock sunglasses speak for themselves Marinette! You make wicked stuff!”, he’d said.
And because Marinette didn’t want him to do any of those things for her, beforehand, she’d insisted on helping him with something in exchange. So Jagged had requested something utterly bizarre, help with getting to know Luka and Juleka. That had been an interesting experience. But Marinette smiled, remembering how happy they all looked in the photos she’d been sending her -had stopped sending her because it was too painful for Marinette to write back, because Marinette should have written back, she should have said something but never replied- and got back to work. A modified version of her own outfit, black blazer instead of grey, dark blue blouse with no floral pattern, but a seam running from one shoulder to the other, seeming to almost separate the two shades of blue, darker below and slightly lighter right above, just underneath the neckline.
It went well with her earrings, if she said so herself, and honestly…a part of her was really happy to experiment with something new, was tempted to iron out the details tonight and put it on first thing in the morning, to show her fr…her classmates. Right, she had school tomorrow.
Marinette pointedly ignored the thought of Lila Rossi, just like she ignored her friends most days. And that thought left a bad taste in her mouth. She needed some water. Later, when she was done. Shaking her head
Her newly designed dark grey jean shorts -last week’s project-, with dark blue accents on the knees for aesthetic -as Tikki had said, and who was Marinette to argue with the kwami of creation?- was sitting somewhere to her right, she thought, neatly folded. At the crack of dawn, it’s matching blouse and blazer were finally complete! Neatly folded, perfectly designed, not a seam out of place!
Marinette laughed, despite the morning hell that waited for her. It was really satisfying to see a personal project through. She loved the outfit already. It was…freeing. Yes, freeing! To have something of hers, to make something not for her friends, but to finally finish a personal project of her own! To have the time to make something for herself despite her responsibilities! Besides, who needed sleep? Two years of wearing her Miraculous had given her endurance to fight crazy supervillains! She’d been eaten by a dinosaur! She’d survived Scarlet Moth! She’d fought a giant mecha in Shanghai! She’d stopped Hawkmoth from launching every missile in the United States! She was Ladybug! She was a freaking superhero! She could go a day or two without sleep!
Suddenly, a step sounded on the second floor of the bakery, like thunder on a cloudless night. Unexpected, and very dangerous. Oh, fuck. If her parents learned she’d stayed up again, Mama would kill her! Marinette thanked every god under the sun that she’d already folded her new clothes up, scooted a box out from under bed, and put them in amidst her other personal creations, the stuff that she shouldn’t have had any time to make, nor the money to buy materials for! Thank Kwami for Jagged and his help!
She practically threw herself into bed, and pulled a blanket over herself, curling up into a ball. She didn’t see Sabine’s head pop out from her trapdoor, but she heard the footsteps in her room. Sabine moved to her desk, shut off her light and stood still for a moment. Staring at her. Probably suspicious.
“Marinette…what am I going to do with you…”, Sabine mused inwardly. “She probably stayed up late again. Why does she keep working herself to the bone like this? I need to talk to her…” But she couldn’t, not really. Sabine knew all too well that something was wrong with her daughter. Her friends couldn’t be busy at all times, Alya wasn’t always working on her blog, and Adrien definitely didn’t have a pet tiger to feed. Gabriel Agreste wouldn’t let his son near a house fly, a tiger was just ridiculous.
Tom and Sabine had both heard Marinette sometimes, crying in her room. And yet whenever they approached, even if they knocked on her door right in the thick of it, her daughter’s voice always sounded pleasant, warm, if a tad startled. She always wore a sunny smile on her face, wished them a nice day and left with a pep in her step every morning to go to school. But…
Neither of them knew that her shoulders slouched the second she turned the block, that her steps grew smaller the closer she got to the building, that a chill ran up her spine at exactly 8:10 am in the morning, every morning as the school bell rang. And Marinette was never going to let it show, she was never going to let Lila win. She hadn’t told Alya, how could she tell her parents when her best friend didn’t know? Well, second best friend. Chat, by some miracle, had seen it when others did not.
Marinette remembered that night as if it was yesterday. He’d looked straight in the eye exactly 64 days ago -and yes, she was keeping count-, had taken a sunny smile brighter than the sun directly to the face, and instead of swooning of being fooled, gave her a look. Marinette had never had a more intense conversation, than the day where one wasn’t needed.
He'd hugged her as tightly as he could, and they’d stayed like that well past the end of their night patrol. She remembered it was raining when she finally pulled away, because Chat looked so serene, so utterly happy with sitting on a cold rooftop at night, in the middle of a thunderstorm, just because of her. He’d looked at her like she’d hung up all the stars in the sky, like he’d only needed the light of her eyes to guide him through this moonless night. He’d stood up, offered her a paw, and slowly helped her to her feet.
“Ladybug…I know what it’s like.”, he’d said, his voice devoid of any of the usual charm, the humor and laughter that had become synonymous with Chat Noir’s very existence in her mind. He looked her in the eyes, more serious than she’d ever seen him. “I’ll always be here for you My Lady, I promise.”, he’d said, softly, voice so low it was almost lost to the wind.
Marinette believed him in a heartbeat. As impossible as it would be to think that Chat Noir of all people was being crushed under the weight of responsibility and expectation, she believed him. Chat had smiled at her, that understanding, compassionate smile that told her he’d keep his word, and tapped a button on his baton. A little umbrella extended from the top, and he handed it to her, his claws lingering on her fingers for just a second too long.
“Here, so you don’t get wet.”, he joked, cheeky demeanor back in place. They were both already soaked to the bone.
Ladybug had found a laugh escaping her. She wiped tears from her eyes, happy tears, for the first time in a while, and quipped back. “But kitty, I’m not made out of sugar!”, she’d mock-protested.
Chat looked stunned, like he’d just realized. “Well, my bad then. I forgot you’re far sweeter…”, he’d quipped, letting his voice go when he saw her smiling again. His mouth made a little o shape. He looked like he’d just unlocked the secrets of the universe. “Bugaboo, I’ll do anything for that smile of yours.”, he’d whispered under his breath, just loud enough to hear. The “I love you” went unspoken, but she knew. He knew that she knew.
He shook his head, cat ears and all, saluted her, and backflipped onto the nearest rooftop. It wasn’t funny. It was silly. It was…Chat. It was so Chat Noir that Ladybug’s laugh had lit up the sky that night, a single ray of moonlight shinning on her face as a pair of green eyes gazed back at her from across the skyline. She’d taken his umbrella, jumped home, and had the first sleep without nightmares in months. She’d never felt happier.
Marinette snapped out of the memory, and felt something wet. Oh, she’d been crying again. The blanket wasn’t covering her anymore, Mama was running a hand through her hair, whispering a lullaby like she was a kid.
“Marinette…”, her mother soothed, but she was ignored. Marinette stayed like that for a moment, basking in the warmth that she didn’t deserve. She’d been lying to them for two years now, constantly. She’d probably told them more lies than truth, at this point. And she could never tell them. Her eyes drifted to the skylight; she saw the sun was lighting up her room. Had Mama stayed with her? But…
“Mom…what time is it?”, she asked, a sudden chill freezing Marinette down to her core.
Sabine didn’t respond for moment, content with soothing her daughter, but Marinette’s eyes opened fully, darting around in panic! “Mom! Please tell me I’m not late!”, she asked, no, she begged, but Mama didn’t comply.
“Marinette…I called your school, told them you’re not well today. It’s well past noon.”, she said, and her daughter froze. Her eyes locked directly onto a picture on her desk, one with her, Kagami and Adrien. Tears threatened to burst out of her again, but Marinette took a shaky breath and sternly refused to let them.
Abruptly, she pulled herself up despite her mom’s protest. She walked to it, just looking at the smile on her own face. It had been maybe the week after the Gang of Secrets incident, that Adrien showed up at her house with a bouquet of pink roses, because he admired her, he’d said. She’d been shell-shocked when she opened the door, to find him standing there, boldly announcing that he was taking her out on that Saturday afternoon. Her heart had, oddly enough, not swooned at the prospect of the date, that came after. He left the roses with her parents, they took a croissant each for the way, and he led her to the park.
Marinette had been suspicious at first, Adrien had never acted like this before. This wasn’t Felix, she knew him well enough to not be fooled, but could it be…an intervention? She’d asked him where he was going, and Adrien had given her this determined look, the ghost of a cheeky smile on his face. “Why Marinette, I have a fencing lesson with Kagami! Clearly, I’m right where I should be!”
Marinette was baffled, until she saw Kagami sitting on a bench, the one that Adrien was leading them both towards. For a moment, her brain stopped. Didn’t they just break up? Then Kagami walked over to them, and pulled her a fierce hug. Marinette realized. They’d done this for her. They’d put aside their entire breakup to hang out with her, because they saw she was upset.
Tears of joy almost left her then and there, and she recoiled, only to them both in for a bigger hug! Adrien had laughed, Kagami had even giggled!
“Thank you, thank you so much!”, she’d said to them, and they’d both smiled.
Kagami was first to respond, Adrien looked too touched to utter a word. “Marinette, you are my friend. I do not know what troubles you, but my relationship with Adrien means nothing in the face of a friend in need. Warriors stick together, after all.” She then struck a pose, holding an imaginary sword out in her defense.
Marinette cracked up at that, the other two followed. That day…that day had been wonderful. She’d even…been happy to be around them, they’d had a lot of fun walking around the city, especially after a quick stop back at her place for a pair of horrid disguises, so the two famous kids of Paris wouldn’t be recognized. But…it was also the last she’d seen of Kagami.
Tomoe and Gabriel had discovered their children’s “insubordination”, and they were both forbidden from “wasting time with frivolous activities when the future is at stake”. Gabriel couldn’t of course do that unless he pulled Adrien out of school, but he there on Monday, back to normal, if unwilling to discuss what happened with his father. Kagami on the other hand…Adrien still saw her in his fencing lessons, and sometimes she also managed to sneak a peak at her so Marinette could wave at her, but that Saturday had been the last time they’d spoken.
For some reason, Marinette was okay leaving it that way. She was even more of a mess now than she was back then, Kagami would be disappointed that she was letting Lila defeat her like this. And Adrien…she’d left him alone with her. She was apparently the only person to notice that he was uncomfortable with how Lila Rossi was acting towards him, as if her classmates were anything but enchanted by her stories at this point.
Every day Lila would come up with something new to say, some new little lie to spread or some fake concern to imply about her, having people always think the worst either of or about her. Adrien was the only one who Marinette knew that had given her any support. Ladybug thanked God for Chat Noir; Marinette thanked God for Adrien Agreste.
Today, Adrien was alone with her, probably squirming under an “innocent”, “friendly” touch while she wasn’t there to take the heat off him. Marinette cursed her Mama. She had to be there, they were there for each other, that was the promise they’d made! She didn’t notice that she’d cursed out loud, nor that Sabine had heard her daughter. Marinette simply -politely- told her that she wanted to go out to the park for a walk, and Sabine obliged her, leaving quietly. Her worries about Marinette however, only became louder.
With a new change of clothes, her original, “Marinette” outfit that she hadn’t changed in years, and Tikki in her pink purse, Marinette rushed out of her house, beelining it to school. She saw Adrien and Nino outside, talking intensely. Adrien seemed exasperated; Nino seemed to be laughing him off.
“Dude c’mon, you don’t have to hide it. It’s okay to be over Ladybug you know. Besides, Lila’s great! You already work together, why’s it a problem to date?”, Nino voiced in a joking tone.
The contents of Adrien’s stomach nearly saw the light of day. And the pavement below. “NINO! Please for everything that our friendship means to you, shut up! I. Don’t. Like. Lila! Okay?”, he begged, and Nino seemed to falter for a moment.
The DJ considered the point, then nodded. “Okay dude. I swear on the bro code, I’ll stop and never bring your crush up again.”, he said, mock-serious. Adrien got the idea to punch him. He refrained.
Just when it seemed to be over, just when it was clear for Marinette to approach and help, because she knew Adrien hated Lila more than he hated Hawkmoth, Alya jumped directly into her view. And Adrien was again squarely in the line of fire.
“ADRIEN, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?”, she screamed in excitement. “Congratulations Sunshine! Way to go!”, she yelled again. Nino put a hand on her shoulder and she cleared her throat awkwardly, voice returning to manageable decibels.
Adrien raised an eyebrow. “Thank you?”, he said, confused.
Oh no…
Alya shook him by the shoulders, barely managing not to scream. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re dating Lila? Why’d you hide the scoop?”
As soon as the words registered in Marinette’s brain, she felt viciously sick. No, no, no! For all that has every been holy, someone tell her that Gabriel didn’t force Adrien to date that snake!
“Dude? Dude, what’s wrong?”, Nino asked, looking at Adrien. He’d gone pale, eyes filled with sheer existential terror. He pinched himself as hard as he could, thinking this was a nightmare. The temptation to Cataclysm Lila Rossi, ever present and simmering in the back of his head, rose to full height, dwarfing logical thought.
“…Adrien? Sunshine, are you okay?”, Alya asked, noticing that he looked sick. Adrien didn’t respond, his eyes darting around hopelessly for the one person who always knew what to do, who could somehow fix this mess, but she wasn’t here to-
Something slammed into him, nearly knocking him down. Adrien dared to open his eyes, a familiar smell of fresh bread encouraging him…and there she was. Marinette, his savior!
“MARI?”
“Dude, what the fuck?”
Adrien blinked. He’d never heard Nino swear before. Marinette was hugging him. She was…hugging him! She was here. Adrien felt himself relax.
“Oh thank God!”, he breathed out, looking at her face.
Marinette slowly pulled herself off him, and gave him another hug, tighter than the last. “Adrien, you’re okay. She’s not here, I promise. We got this.”, she said softly, and he pulled himself together.
“R-right, we’re in this together.”, he said, leaning into Marinette.
Alya did a double take. Twice. Nino just blinked at them. Adrien breathed deeply, and spoke up.
“Okay, I need you to listen to me.”, he said, serious. “I do not care what Lila Rossi says, I am not dating her. I’d rather let my father pull me out of school than date her.”, Adrien said, with such conviction that Alya and Nino could only nod in silence.
Alya was the first to speak up. “But…she showed us your texts! And the ring you bought her! And the fox necklace from your dad’s line that you gifted her!”, Alya protested in Lila’s defense. She narrowed her eyes. Why did Adrien always get like this when Marinette was around? She was practically attached to the hip with him when they were at school, and he always defended her from anything Lila said. But…there was evidence, and very clear evidence that Lila hadn’t lied.
“Um. Look dude, I get that Marinette and Lila have beef, but it doesn’t extend to you, you know that right?”, Nino said hesitantly. “And seriously, what is even up with you two? What was that?”
An absolute nightmare, Adrien wanted to say. He held his tongue. Alya’s eyes suddenly widened, her body went stiff. “Wait…wait wait wait!”, she breathed. “Marinette?”, she turned to the bluenette.
Marinette. Not Mari or gurl or any variation of those, her full first name. As always, these past few months. She knew where Alya was going with this. Marinette scoffed. “Let me guess, Lila told you I’m going to dangle Adrien over a vat of crocodiles in supervillain lair.”
Alya’s eyes narrowed, she assumed an aggressive stance, Nino mimicked her on instinct for a moment, they shared a look, he switched to defensive. Of Adrien. From her. Not again…
Alya finally spoke, and Marinette wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry, scream, throttle her or go home. “Lila said that you’ve been following Adrien around everywhere. Like, everywhere. She even saw you after a shoot, pulling him away. Look. I know that you’re… fond of him, but this getting ridiculous. It’s beyond obsession at this point. And you’re always sticking way too close, you’re being possessive. Lila fears you might be taking advantage of him. And…she sent those texts in the class groupchat. So maybe she did lie, but she was lying to you. She’s worried about Adrien, we all are, with how you’re acting. Please Marinette, what’s happened to you? Where did my best friend go?”, she asked, pleaded.
Nino gave her a sympathetic smile, like he wanted to help, but he was on Alya’s side. Adrien moved out from behind him. “Alya, wait. Marinette hasn’t been bothering me. It’s okay, you don’t have to do this. It’s easy to edit screenshots, it’s easy to buy a 5 euro ring, and the necklace is from Lila’s grandmother”, he tried, but Alya just shot him a sad look.
“Sunshine… Adrien, we know you’re too polite to say no. You’ve been defending Chloe, for God’s sake. It’s okay.”
Nino finally came forward, and spoke up. “Dude, she lied to help you. C’mon. Even if you don’t like her, she still tried to help! And…sorry about before, I should’ve known you think of her as a sister, you know, the way you always help her out and stuff.”
Marinette had decided. It was the latter two. She wanted to throttle Lila, and then go home.
Adrien tried to speak again, but Nino just pulled him into a soft hug, trying to comfort him and ushering him away. Adrien tried of course, to resist, Marinette saw him desperately trying to pull away, but…Nino held firm. “It’s okay man, we’ll work this out. I promise.”
She gave Adrien a nod. Go, she thought, and he nodded. Adrien held back tears, put on his fakest smile, the one that looked so wrong on his face it was enough to make her think he might be Felix, and smiled at Nino, ever so slightly. Lila came running towards them, but Adrien didn’t recoil. He trusted Marinette, and looked at her again. She nodded, and he readied himself to play along.
Marinette looked back at Alya, who was still talking to her. She let out a deep sigh, and attentively listened to the bullshit. “-listening to me? No, of course not! You never listen to me Marinette, not anymore! What happened to you?”, she asks, sounding desperate this time.
She decided to bite the bullet. Might as well give Alya a last shot. Not like she’d believe her, but…Ladybug believed in second chances. And third, and fourth if need be. And even though Alya was well past her twenty fifth, and even though Marinette said “fuck it” and stopped bothering with keeping track, she’d be a bit surprised if Alya hadn’t reached triple digits at this rate.
Marinette gave a look which practically screamed at Alya to listen. For the first time in months, the blogger nodded slowly and stopped talking. “I…honestly don’t want to say it more than once. Adrien hates Lila. He despises her. She keeps leaning into his personal space, touching him when they’re modeling, making implications. Nobody notices, or nobody cares. I don’t care which of those is the truth. I was just trying to protect him. She’s lying, Alya. I swear on my life! She’s been lying about everything ever since she stepped foot inside this school! We’re the only ones who know the truth, so we stuck together. All Lila sees in Adrien are the euro signs and the good looks. She doesn’t give a shit. And I don’t know what she did, but Lila has Gabriel’s good graces, and I’m only trying to help him!”, she said, screaming the last sentence.
Alya nodded silently…contemplating. She stood there for a moment, deep in thought. Was she…was she actually? Finally? No, no fucking way, she was considering it! Marinette’s heart fluttered with anticipation! Come on Alya, just agree to hear this out! Just say that you’ll look into it! Please! Please don’t go away!
“Mari. I get it now, and I’m sorry. I really am.”, she said, but Alya just looked somber. The righteous fury directed at Lila that Marinette wanted, the slightest hint that Alya was finally going take her side for once, the hope she was hopelessly hoping for…was absent.
“I’m sorry, but…if that’s how you see it…I- I’ve seen all my evidence Marinette. Where is yours?”, Alya asked, crestfallen. She didn’t believe her.
She didn’t. Trust her. No. No…
Marinette wanted to do many things. She wanted to throttle Lila, to transform into Ladybug and impale her onto the Eiffel Tower, she wanted to call Jagged and have him tell Alya that he never had a stupid kitten, she wanted to show Alya that the “charities” that fucking bitch was busying herself with didn’t even exist! She wanted to call Clara and ask her who Lila was, so she’d say they’d never worked together! She wanted to tell Rose to call Prince Ali so he’d say the same! She wanted to tell Alya to open up a fucking Google Page!
Marinette Dupain Cheng screamed. A sound of absolute fury escaped her lungs, months of pain and out of tears to cry, that scream almost broke her. Alya was left looking at her in complete shock, frozen to the spot.
Marinette seethed. She nearly screamed again, a blazing inferno engulfing her heart, but suddenly she focused inwards…and turned it into ice.
“Alya…you’re a joke of a reporter. I hate you.”, she said, looking her former friend in the eye like she was going to kill her then and there. Alya stared.
A moment passed. Another. Neither moved. Marinette registered some of her classmates nearby, that had heard her, but the world was at a standstill. The sad part, if Alya said sorry even now, even without meaning it at all, even with a knife in her hand and planning to stab her in the back, Marinette would still hug her and cry.
Alya blinked, having processed what happened. She looked close to tears. “Then I guess you’re not my friend anymore. You never were.”, she spat out, and ran inside, presumably back to Nino and Lila. Marinette turned away, and walked back home, numbly registering that it had started to drizzle.
She came through the door, waved at Sabine, who tried to approach, but Marinette had gone up to her room by the time the shock of seeing her daughter like that, so…so broken, with dark circles under her eyes and looking so pained that she must be in agony.
Tom closed up the bakery in the next five minutes, Sabine rushed upstairs only to find the trapdoor locked. She knocked ever so lightly, and Marinette’s voice came through. She’d half expected to cry if she heard that calm, warm and pleasant tone. Marinette didn’t respond. They tried for half an hour, painstakingly waiting for a few seconds between each knock on the trapdoor, silently begging for a response.
After the hundredth time, Tom howled. “Marinette! Are you alright?”, he yelled, ignoring Sabine’s look. He knew she needed space, that’s what they’d been giving her this whole time!
Marinette sobbed on the other end. “I’m fine! Just tired, that’s all!”, came the assurance, neatly scripted, but the pleasant tone was gone. She sounded tired. Sabine didn’t know how long she and Tom had stayed there, taking shifts. She went to cook dinner and ended up ordering a pizza, not finding the strength to stray from her daughter’s room. Tom was the one who went to get it, tipping the delivery boy a hefty 20 Euros and quickly remembering to change the door sign to “Closed”. In his rush, he’d forgotten before. They left the whole thing right next to the trapdoor. Both their appetites had been drowned by worry.
Upstairs, in Marinette’s room, she was nearly catatonic. Laying on her bed, barely moving except to breath or sob or scream, Tikki standing guard over her. The skylight was open, and the Akuma had wandered near for a fifth time now. The Kwami was using her powers to block out Marinette’s emotions, to make her appear completely numb to Hawkmoth, and the Akuma would wander outside when she did. Her control was not perfect, but it was enough. And Tikki would not stop until he gave up. She was a Goddess. This was her holder. Her charge. She. Would. Protect. Her.
Marinette let out another wail of agony, thoughts and memories playing in her head like a broken video, flooding her with more emotions she couldn’t understand, much less process. And then…it stopped. For a single moment, a single memory hit squarely in the face.
“My life as Marinette is too difficult, I should just be Ladybug all the time!”
Clarity washed over her, and the hopeless abyss that she’d been trapped in suddenly lit up with an idea. It was a bad idea, but what did Marinette have that Ladybug did not? Marinette had no friends. She’d practically told Adrien to play along, trusting him to spin it in a way that didn’t let Lila go near him again. That gave him a reason to not like what she does. And Nino, bless his heart, had done exactly that. She had every confidence in Adrien, he would manage it.
Nino himself was…a question mark. She didn’t necessarily blame him, now that she could think, Marinette knew he was trying to protect Adrien, he’d just been tricked. And she trusted Adrien to spin that to his advantage as awful as it would make him feel.
Her classmates had long abandoned her, leaving her behind for a newer, shinier, more impressive “do-gooder”. They were no friends of hers. Even Chloe had made more of an effort. Not that she cared, but she didn’t like Lila either. And Marinette couldn’t go back after that display. It would be torment, to have to exist in the same space as them.
Marinette was nobody. An ordinary girl with an ordinary life. Marinette was perfect. Always excelling, always attentive, always supportive, always happy to do anything for anyone so long as they asked her nicely. Marinette could not say no. To anyone, even when she should. Pressure had been destroying her for a long time now, she thought absentmindedly.
Tikki was perched on her cat pillow now, looking ready to collapse. Still, Marinette saw her kwami smile supportively. Marinette’s life had gone far from “too complicated”. It was Hell. And Hell was not for living people.
Ladybug was someone she herself had looked up to. How she wished she could be confident, self-assured, playful, funny, brave in real life. Perfection didn’t matter to Ladybug, despite what some people might say. She had flaws, she knew them, and she worked to fix them. Something Marinette couldn’t do. Ladybug had Tikki, Wayzz, the other kwami, she had Chat Noir. And so…
“Tikki?”, Ladybug nudged her kwami. The little goddess looked at her, tired, but paid attention all the same. “I have a very bad idea.”