Chapter Text
to put it simply, sirius was having a hard time. after dealing with the ramifications of the prank, sinking so low he didn't think he could live anymore, then running away from home despite james' lingering anger towards him, his emotions were all over the place.
when sirius practically fell out of the james' fireplace beaten and bloodied and unmoving, his friends had forgiven him for his detrimental actions. but it felt unearned. it felt forced. sirius had always had a bad home life, why did this get to change things?
he felt so undeserving of his friends' forgiveness, their care, that he rejected it. he shut them out completely. almost as if it were still the end of fifth year, the only difference being that he slept in their shared dorm again. they had constantly tried to pull him out of this shell he created, but the more they pulled the harder the shell became.
he wouldn't accept the love he was being shown, he couldn't, he didn't deserve to. how dare he come back to the dorm. how dare he want to spend time with the people he hurt so deeply. how dare he accept their love after what he's done.
he had only ever left his bed to go to classes, but even then he sat away from everyone. he threw himself into his studies after the prank and it was working for him. he seemed to think so anyway. though it was clear the opposite was happening. he was deteriorating, tearing himself apart from the inside.
he had no one left to punish him, so he felt the need to do it himself.
it started with the isolation, but, mostly unbeknownst to his fellow marauders, it snowballed from there. he stopped attending meals, rejected the food brought to him, at least doubled his cigarette intake, used his body as an ashtray. but it wasn't enough. he needed to be punished, he deserved to be punished. as sick as the thought was, he began to miss the crutiatus curse. at least then he felt the pain he deserved. he'd actually considered using the imperius curse on someone, anyone, to force them to torture him. he needed it, he craved it.
eventually, he landed himself with a muggle razor, finding the thin white lines to be a satisfying punishment. his blood on his hands, the unsteadiness that followed the blood loss, the caution around hiding the new marks. that felt right. that felt earned.
he hardly bothered changing out of his school clothes anymore, figuring he'd just be putting them back on the next time he got up. he kept his curtains drawn permanently, not even allowing his friends to peek. he hadn't spoken in so long, he was almost sure he didn't have a voice anymore.
to say his friends worried about him was an understatement. they had no idea why padfoot was slipping so far away from them. he was out of his abusive family's grasp, his friends loved him, his grades were improving every day. they didn't understand this withdrawal.
usually, when sirius was too overwhelmed to handle his 'big feelings', as james called them, he'd turn to padfoot to put them at ease for a while, his dog brain incapable of processing such emotions. now he forced himself to suffer through each and every one. he couldn't even remember the last time he'd taken his canine form.
the other boys had completely lost hope, they were at a loss for how to handle sirius in this state. they tried just about everything, failing each and every time. nothing could reach the boy.
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maybe, james thought, maybe I can get him to come to quidditch. selfishly, he wanted his star beater back on the field, but they hadn't talked about sirius rejoining the team after he was kicked off last year.
james decided to take the initiative while remus and peter studied in the common room. he approached the drawn curtains silently, pulling them back only a bit and climbing onto the bed and talking an empty space by sirius' side. the first thing he noticed was the dull grey eyes staring up at the ceiling. he was awake. but he seemed completely unaware of the extra body on his bed. he seemed unaware of everything, actually. like he wasn't even there to begin with.
"pads," james whispered, shaking the forearm of the boy lost in space, "pads, you alright, mate?" the sudden contact on his arm startled sirius, he felt the slight pressure on a fairly deep wound and yanked his arm to his chest, returning to reality.
"wha- james?" sirius dropped the nicknames a while back, feeling unworthy of their use, "piss off, let me sleep."
"but you weren't- what's with your arm?"
"just fuck off!"
"it's quidditch today, if you're interested." james, too defeated to continue bothering, left.
sirius was interested. he was very interested. he had missed his time with james on the pitch more than he cared to admit. but he couldn't. he shouldn't. he hasn't earned it.
he didn't even know if he could anymore. nothing he did felt good enough. nothing could possibly be good enough to make up for all the harm he has caused.
he did not attend quidditch, in the end. a shock to no one at this point, though still leaving james disappointed.
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it wasn't until the next full moon sirius even interacted with any of his friends.
padfoot still had not made an appearance at the shack, but the following day he listened as remus winced in pain at every movement, every sound, every change in brightness. he could tell by careful tones from prongs and wormtail that it had been a rough full moon. that and the fact that remus had elected to stay in, which he rarely did unless he had to.
hiding behind his curtains, nobody knew if he was in the room or if he'd already left for class. so he skipped.
not long after lunch, after listening to remus toss and turn in discomfort, after he had declined lunch claiming he wouldn't be able to keep it down, sirius decided to step in in the only way he felt comfortable.
next thing remus knew, a shaggy black dog had take place at his side. this is the first he's seen of sirius outside classes in weeks, the first he's seen of padfoot in months. and he accepted it wordlessly, wrapping an arm around the furball by his side and finding comfort is his radiating warmth. his hand naturally found the spot he knew padfoot loved the most, slowly dragging his fingers up and down until he dozed off.
sirius felt proud of himself, proud he could bring comfort to his best friend. but there was a twinge of shame that followed as he realized he couldn't have done this outside of his animagus form.
soon after remus fell asleep, sirius followed suit, unwilling to move away and bring the lycanthrope more discomfort. it was a good nap, the best either had had in a long time. but eventually it ended.
remus woke up feeing slightly better than he had all day. he continued stroking the mutt next to him the way he had before he lost consciousness, causing sirius to wake up as well. padfoot instinctually licked some of moony's mostly-healed wounds, the way he used to after every full moon. the way he hadn't since the month before the prank. remus was shocked, to say the least, but let it happen anyway. he cherished these small moments between them, though they'd been nonexistent as of late.
"hey pads. what's up, boy." remus scratched the back of padfoot's ear. the dog whimpered a bit at the craving for such contact, but quickly retreated to his own bed, hiding behind his curtains once more. remus felt saddened at the quick loss, wanting nothing more than to follow but not feeling well enough to make the short journey. still, he couldn't help but notice the ever-so-slight limp on his front leg.
"pads? mate, come back, what's wrong?" no response, "sirius? you can stay the bloody dog if you like, just come lay with me." still nothing, "pads, please? it's cold, you're warm. please?"
he heard some movement and the dog returned to his side. they simply lied there together in silence. padfoot curled into remus once more, electing to remain perfectly still. remus wrapped his body around the canine, holding him close so he wouldn't leave again. they sat like that for about an hour until remus finally spoke up once more.
"hey pads, mind if i read a bit? out loud, like we used to?" his tail began to wag before he forced it to stop. a soft whine came from his throat, the guilt he forced onto himself consuming his canine mind, "s'alright, i want to. please? just for a while?" sirius just rested his head back on the mattress, offering permission. remus reached for a novel he hasn't read yet, hoping that starting with a new book will bring sirius back to finish it later.
once they reached the twelfth chapter, james and pete returned from dinner each carrying an extra plate. though they both paused at the sight of black fur upon moony's bed.
"s'okay, pads, we can eat a bit and keep reading. we'll close the curtains if you want." the delicacy remus provided seemed to be the only thing that kept sirius from crawling back into his cave.
remus picked at his plate a bit. he tried to offer padfoot some as well but the offer was declined each time. eventually he gave up trying and closed the curtains as promised, continuing their reading for a few more chapters before remus called it a night.
"you wanna sleep here tonight?" padfoot started to stand up, showing that he did not plan on spending the night, "it's alright if you do. human or dog, i don't mind either way." the dog paused, staring at him for a moment before licking his hand and returning to his own bed.
not long had passed before james entered remus' bed, casting a quick silencing charm.
"pads?" james spoke eagerly, "you got pads? what happened?"
"honestly, prongs? nothing. i was minding my business and he jumped up next to me. hasn't said a word. i still haven't seen sirius yet, just pads."
"didn't eat much either, from what i saw."
"i just- i don't- james i'm scared." they all were. but james had never seen remus so defeated. remus was always the one who knew what to do, especially when the situation was delicate. but nobody could figure this out.
"me too, mate." he wished he had more to offer.
"d'you think maybe we should get minnie involved?" remus suggested, a last ditch effort really.
"may as well. maybe she can get through to him? i'll talk to her in the morning, she can pull him after class."
"i... prongs, i miss him so much."
"i know, moons. we'll get him back, i promise. we've got to get him back." the two sat in a melancholic silence for a moment before parting ways and going to sleep.
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the following morning, james arrived early to transfiguration. he found the professor immediately and requested a quick word in her office before class.
"mr. potter? what seems to be the trouble?"
"minnie, it's sirius. we don't know what else to do. we thought maybe you'd be able to talk to him? one-on-one. maybe you could get through to him."
"and what is it you would like me to speak with mr. black about? as far as i can tell, his marks have been astounding this term and he's been keeping himself out of trouble."
"well, yeah. all he does is focus on classes. sure, that doesn't sound too bad, but minnie, he's not here anymore. he's somewhere else, all the time. he's not spoken a word in merlin knows how long. he's given up on quidditch, he doesn't come to meals anymore, he doesn't even leave his bed outside lessons. we've tried everything we could think of but we just can't get through to him. i don't- professor, i don't know what to do. we need help. sirius needs help."
"i'll see what i can do, james."
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transfiguration went smoothly, minnie observed sirius more carefully and understood what james was saying. sure he was there, he was doing the work, he was performing the spells perfectly. but he wasn't there. she could see that his mind was elsewhere. so she pulled him aside after class.
"mr. black, could i have a word?" he looked toward her, not quite meeting her eyes, and nodded. she quickly spotted a trace of fear flicker across his face, "no trouble, it's just a chat."
he followed her into her office, trailing her like a lost puppy. she sat him down, offered him tea and a biscuit. he declined the offer.
"how are you, sirius? i understand you've had a rough summer."
"'m fine, professor." he mumbled, his voice sounding rough, unused.
"i haven't seen you on the pitch, should i be expecting you soon?" she was trying to make easy conversation.
"not likely." no louder than before.
"madame pomfrey is concerned, she hasn't seen you visiting remus once this term. the second moon just passed. should i be worried?" he didn't even speak this time, just shook his head slowly, "sirius, if something is going on please feel free to share with me. i have some concerns, your friends do too. if there is anything i can do, please."
"all good, professor. s'that all?"
"well then, i suppose it is. just know my door is always open. even if you just need a moment of peace." he nodded and left quickly. she understood why james reached out for help. and she felt disappointed that she was unable to provide the assistance required.
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sirius had pulled himself into a rapid decline. after spending a day with moony, he found himself missing their connection. missing his friends. missing who he used to be. but he knew he couldn't let himself have that again.
during dinner, while everyone else was away, sirius locked himself in their bathroom with his muggle razor. every thought, every hope, every desire to return to his friends meant another line. another drop of blood spilt. another reminder that he deserved the punishment.
he got carried away. his punishment became a reward in a way, which only made him feel worse. so he pressed harder and harder, watching the lines turn white before the red seeped through. dizziness spread through him, the blood loss rapidly accelerating as he couldn't seem to stop himself. he made his way into the shower, stripping his clothes and allowing the scalding water to encase his shaky frame.
the warmth felt nice. the water rinsing his leaking wounds stung in all the right ways. watching the pink-tinted water drain was always a relief. usually he'd stare till it finally ran clear, mesmerized by the fade of the color, but the water didn't clear this time. the tint faded, but never fully.
his arm ached, his torso ached, his chest ached, everything ached. he felt unbearably heavy. he sat in the shower as the water boiled his skin, barely able to breathe properly through all the steam.
he felt himself suffocating and he was prepared. he was ready to let go. to say goodbye. it felt right that this be how he died, bleeding slowly under the molten stream of water. alone. in pain. this felt earned.
the dizziness paired with the lack of oxygen left sirius in some sort of delirium. he was sure he could feel himself floating away. he was sure these were his final moments. he was sure the faint knocking was his heart pounding in his chest until it was ready to give up.
but the cold air rushed in. the steam dissipated. the water stopped.
at first, sirius thought he'd made it. he thought he'd finally crossed between the living world and the world that followed. he thought he was finally free.
until the sounds finally breached his ears. voices. his friends' voices. they can't be here, he thought, they're not done yet they can't be here. when in reality they were here. but 'here' wasn't where he thought it was. 'here' was the shower floor. 'here' was his shared dorm room. 'here' quickly became the hospital wing.
'here' ended in his moony's hand as remus sat next to sirius' designated cot, clinging to the undamaged arm of his shining star.