Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

I’m an alien.

I’m totally alone in the world.  I know I sound like a typical angsting teen, but when I say no-one understands, I can say it, because there are parts of my life that no one could understand, not even my parents. And that’s depressing enough, in and of itself. That a 17 year old boy – sorry alien actually thinks his parents could understand?!

 

I’m just sick of this. My very existence. Trying to be perfect. The perfect son, friend, student. Pining after the perfect girl. Seeming so…normal. When I know, deep down, that’s the furthest thing I could ever be and I’m far from perfect.  A perfect son wouldn’t kill his sibling, hurt his mom, run away for the summer and become a fucking 'rentboy' (not that the ‘rents know about that) and cause his father to have a fucking heart attack!

 

Perfect friends don’t lie. They don’t base entire friendships on lies.

They don’t lie about abilities that they obviously have. They don’t destroy their friends’ cars! They don’t allow their 'Best Friend' to go into a mental institution and remain there, undergo electro-shock treatment for a mental illness he doesn’t have, all to protect their own fucking secret!

 

Pete. Sweet, simple Pete. I felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I told him. That didn’t last long. My secret is a burden to all who carry it and I’m capable of carrying that burden. I have to be. But Pete shouldn’t have to try and shoulder that responsibility. He even gets that. We’re drifting apart. Further than we already were. The hardest thing is, Pete may be my oldest friend and I trust him, but I don’t know if I wanted to trust him with my life – with my secret. No, I know I didn’t want to tell him. I had to. There’s a difference.

 

Chloe. Conniving, cute little Chloe. Always digging. Never realised how much her ‘Wall of Weird’ haunts me. How could she? I couldn’t tell her. Ever. I love her, she’s my friend, but I’d never trust her with my secret. I could never be sure that it wasn’t too big of a story for her to keep quiet. Better to end up losing her as a friend than trusting her with my secrets, but she keeps secrets too. She lies. Digging into my adoption. Working for that bastard, Lionel Luthor.

 

Then there’s Lana. Sweet, ‘innocent’ perfect Lana. The girl I’m ‘supposed’ to be in love with. I’ve fooled everyone into thinking I’m enthralled by her – even her. Yet the more I got to know her, the further the illusion of perfection faded and the more I begun to realise that she was nothing. No substance, just…blah.

Now, that’s the last thing I could say about Lex.

Alexander Joseph Luthor.

My Best Friend.

One of the World’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

And I’m in love with him.

 

Yes! I know! Ridiculous huh? Hey! I’m a big gawky Alien from a planet so far away it no longer exists! Lets top that off by being gay, ok?!

That’s the final nail in my coffin of anti-perfection. A perfect son wouldn’t be gay.

 

But I can’t help it. Ever since I met him, I felt drawn to his presence. Even when we argue, my heart is racing with love for him. Sometimes I think it’s easier to be away from him, easier to hide. But my need for him is so strong, too strong for me to stay away. And it kills me a little more everyday. Because he is so beautiful, so dynamic, intelligent, brilliant, and thousands of other things too numerous to mention. He’s far from perfect in the conventional sense, but he’s the perfect person for me.

 

LEX is the only one I’ve ever really really wanted, felt compelled, to tell my secret to. After all that he has done for me, against his Luthor indoctrination, he is my friend, and a great friend at that! He knows that I lie, and it breaks my heart every time I have to do so. Dad makes it all so much harder with his vocal abuse of all things Luthor. Sometimes I seriously want to deck him. To scream and shout ‘BUT I LOVE HIM!’ But that will never be. The illusion must be maintained in public. The mask of perfection must remain in place. But only with Lex do I ever really *feel*. A feeling that will forever go unrequited. Not that I would ever tell him, but he is far too good for me – like the farmer’s son aiming to win the heart of the prince. Destined never to be. But when he says we have a destiny, I believed him. False hope is a painful thing.

 

Pain. That is a feeling I have finally found.

Yes, I have found a non-meteor related way.

The pain stops the thoughts.

Physical pain blocks out the mental.

So, in my barn, my fortress of solitude, I sit, and I cause pain to block pain. I burn. And I feel. I finally truly FEEL.

I am at peace.

 

 

Clark placed the journal facedown beside him on the sofa, before focusing his eyes on his bare arm. If anyone had been present to look closely, his eyes glowed red, as he stared intently at his arm. Which sizzled and reddened, as it began to burn.

 

Stripes of burnt flesh down both arms (glad of the decreasing temperature of the coming winter to excuse his long sleeves), his legs – particularly the top of his thighs. Bright red, throbbing, strips of sore, raw skin. Until finally, he’d had enough, and slipped into unconsciousness - a smile gracing his lips as he did so. For only in his dreams was his existence ever pain-free and happy, as there, he was with Lex.

 

******

 

Lex allowed the car to roll for the last couple of yards up the driveway, not wanting to disturb the elder Kents – not really wanting them to know he was there.

As the car coasted to a stop just before the barn, Lex looked up as he got out, half expecting Clark to be standing at the barn window, as he usually was whenever Lex came over. However, no Clark.

 

Lex frowned momentarily, before shrugging as he quietly made his way into the barn, hoping, for once, to be able to catch Clark off-guard.

 

However, even Lex, with his ever-thinking mind constantly devising scenarios of how things may happen, could never have imagined the sight awaiting him.

 

“Clark!” he cried, racing up the last of the stairs and over to the unconscious body of his best friend.

 

Although they never spoke of it, Lex knew that there was something ‘special’ about Clark – which seemed to include near invulnerability, so, the sight of an unconscious Clark, arms and legs covered in burns, was a serious shock to him.

 

However, Lex’s knowing gaze was quick to realise that these burns were conveniently placed, and very precise.

 

Swallowing back tears, Lex ran a hand through Clark’s hair and over his cheek. “God Clark, why?”

 

When Clark didn’t even stir at the touch, Lex began to panic: ‘What should I do? Call Martha? – no, this is self-mutilation, Clark won’t want his mother to know. Why is he doing this? What’s wrong with his life? I always thought it was kinda perfect – perfect family, perfect girl, so why this?’

 

Lex shook himself out of his panic – ‘This isn’t helping! And Luthors don’t panic! Luthors always maintain an outward façade of calm.’

 

Taking a deep breath, Lex calmed himself down – until he once again looked over at his burn-covered farmboy.

 

Frozen momentarily, Lex just stared down at the unconscious form of – he had only recently accepted – the most important person in his life.

 

Clark shifted slightly, and groaned a little at the pain the friction caused the burns. At that, Lex finally jolted out of his stupor, and ran down to the stairs, rooting out the first-aid kit he *knew* was kept there. Finally finding it, he grabbed the tube of burn cream, and flew back up the stairs. Racing over to his friend, Lex only noticed his hands were shaking when he unsuccessfully tried to wrestle the cap off the tube.

 

Placing the cream on the coffee table, Lex paced up and down the loft, taking deep breaths as he did so. Once he was sure that he had stopped shaking, he sat on the coffee table in front of Clark, and once again went to open the burn cream.

This time, he was successful, and set to work.

 

It barely took 5 minutes to apply the cream to the burns – and although the first application made Clark start, he did not awaken. However, it did seem to soothe him after that, as he appeared to have actually fallen asleep now, rather than being totally unconscious.

 

There may have been nothing else Lex could do concerning Clark and these burns, but there was no way Lex was going to leave without an explanation. However, neither did Lex have the heart to wake Clark up – after seeing him in such pain, the peace in which he now slept made Lex abhor the thought.

 

Lex went back to his car, grabbed a pen and paper, his palm pilot, his phone (put on vibrate), a bottle of water, and a blanket, before returning to the loft. Placing everything on the table, it was then he realised that the only seating was the couch on which Clark slept. Lex had deduced that he would be there some time, and anyway, he was Lex Luthor – there was no *way* he was sitting on the floor!

 

So very carefully, Lex pulled Clark’s upper body slightly from the couch, and sat in the space created, gently placing Clark’s head in his lap. Picking up his palm pilot he went to start reading the reports saved on there (might as well do some work if he was going to be awake). As he did this, his free hand was unconsciously running through Clark’s hair – a move that resulted in a sigh of contentment from the younger man, who snuggled further into Lex’s lap.

Lex started slightly at this, blinking when he realised what he was doing. However, the look of contentment and peace on Clark’s face was enough to bring a slight smile to Lex’s own, and, running his hand lightly across Clark’s cheek, he smiled down at his best friend, feeling safe enough to reveal his feelings in that loving gaze, knowing there was no one there to witness, before returning to his reports, his free hand once again immersed in Clark’s soft sable locks.

 

However, after attempting to work for a good five minutes, Lex eventually gave up – he was too worried about Clark to concentrate fully on the pages of numbers that he should have been reading. Looking around the loft, Lex strived to find something – anything that would take his mind off his best friend. His eyes alighted upon the notebook laid flat on the table, and curious, Lex leaned over and picked it up. Turning the book over to the open pages, Lex looked down, to see what it was exactly. He recognised his best friend’s handwriting straight away, and went to put the diary (as he now knew it was) back as he found it – when the sight of his own name stopped him. Curious as to what Clark had written about him, he was going to read it, but his worry for Clark and his well-being made him consider Clark’s last thoughts to be of more importance, and turned his attention to the last thing Clark wrote:

Pain. That is a feeling I have finally found.

Yes, I have found a non-meteor related way.

The pain stops the thoughts.

Physical pain blocks out the mental.

So, in my barn, my fortress of solitude, I sit, and I cause pain to block pain. I burn. And I feel. I finally truly FEEL.

I am at peace.

 

Lex was visibly shaken after reading this. He had known logically what had occurred the moment he saw Clark, but knowing something in his head, was different from realising it in his heart – which Clark’s journal entry managed.

 

OK, so Clark was doing this to himself – Lex understood the concept of blocking mental pain with something else – his clubbing days were a prime example of this, as was his own foray into self-harm after his mother passed. However, what Lex could not understand was what this mental pain actually was. To him, Clark had always had pretty much a perfect life – great friends, fabulous parents who adored him and were there for him, he did well in school – he may not have stood out in any way, but he got by. What was there in Clark’s life that caused him so much pain that he would turn to self-mutilation? In Lex’s mind, that was the ultimate question – a question that he knew he would find an answer to in Clark’s diary.

 

But why not just wait and ask Clark?

 

Well, Lex may count Clark as his best friend, but this does not mean that he was blind to Clark’s faults. From the very beginning, the only real point of contention between the boys was the lies – on Clark’s part more than Lex’s. Lex was a Luthor, he had been raised to be duplicitous, not to show emotion. Regardless, he was more open and honest with Clark than he had been with anyone since his mother died. And Clark repaid him by lying to his face – and not even very well!

 

These were the thoughts going through Lex’s head as he questioned reading Clark’s diary, and each thought just seemed to justify it. Settling back into the sofa, his last thought before he immersed himself totally in the book was ‘Well, I’ve read it anyway, I might as well see what he really thinks of me’.

 

He knew he had seen the word ‘Luthor’ written in Clark’s tiny print, but he was surprised to be referred to as ‘Alexander Joseph Luthor’ – he had not even known that Clark knew his middle name.

 

Seeing his name only made him all the more curious to read what was written – until he realised, that it ended a paragraph that began with Lana. He assumed that the diary was full of lovelorn Lana-related angst, but he needed to know why he was in the same train of thought as Lana - even if it was at the end.

 

Then there’s Lana. Sweet, ‘innocent’ perfect Lana. The girl I’m ‘supposed’ to be in love with. I’ve fooled everyone into thinking I’m so in love with her – even her, but the more I got to know her, the further the illusion of perfection faded, and the more I begun to realise that she was nothing. No substance, just…blah.

Now, that’s the last thing I could say about Lex.

Alexander Joseph Luthor.

 

Lex blinked.

 

He’s not in love with Lana? Thank god for that! I knew he was too intelligent to think there was anything to her! But why try to fool me? I mean, I’m a Luthor, far from perfect – especially by this town’s standards, so why did he feel that he had to maintain the façade?

 

In order to answer this question, he would have to carry on reading.

 

My Best Friend.

One of the World’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

And I’m in love with him.

 

He double-blinked.

 

In fact, he loudly proclaimed, in a rather un-Luthorlike fashion, “Say What?!” and dropped the book – hitting the head of the owner – which was still in his lap.

 

******

 

Being hit on the head is enough to wake anyone – even someone who was in a sleep resulting from a state of unconsciousness caused by multiple burns.

 

As Clark’s eyes blinked open he realized he was lying on someone’s lap. A lap with some pretty expensive pants on. His head jerked up and his eyes went wide when he saw Lex sitting there, looking down at him with concern and something else he was trying to cover up.

 

“Lex!” Clark pushed himself into a sitting position and tried to control the mixed feelings of fear and happiness at seeing his friend. “Um, hi. What are you doing here?”

 

Desperately hoping his super healing abilities had worked quickly; he chanced a glance to his arm. The red marks were still there, though they weren’t as visible as before.

 

“I came by to see you,” Lex answered, as calm as ever. “I found you covered in burns.” Concern broke through the calm again and Clark could have sworn he saw tears shining in Lex’s eyes. “Why, Clark?”

 

Clark went to open his mouth, to lie yet again, when he saw something in Lex’s hand. Anger suddenly overran any other emotion and he snatched the diary away from a suddenly guilty looking Lex.

 

“Why do you have this?!” Clark shouted, brandishing the diary angrily at him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lex said quickly. “I thought maybe I could find why you hurt yourself in it.”

 

A horrible, twisted feeling clenched at Clark’s gut as he thought ‘What if he read the whole thing? What if he knows I love him? What if he knows my secret??’

 

“So you went through my DIARY?” Clark yelled. “This stuff is personal! How much did you read?”

 

Lex didn’t answer. Instead, with a single, miserable look to Clark, he just stood and left the barn.

 

*******

 

Clark stared down the stairs a long time after Lex had left. Finally sinking down onto the couch, he ran his hands through his hair before burying his face in his hands. What was he going to do now?

 

Yes, he wanted Lex to know his secret. But *he* had wanted to tell him. He hadn’t wanted to find his best friend looking through his personal feelings. Mind swirling with mixed thoughts and emotions; Clark reached for the diary again.

 

How dare he?! How DARE HE?!?!!!!

I, well ok, I guess I kinda went overboard with the burns – I passed out.

Problem: I left my diary out in full view on the table, and who should find me but Lex!

I’m an Idiot!

I have THREE *really* big secrets; the burns, the alienness and the Lex-love. 3 secrets that LEX in particular, must not find out! 3 secrets that are described in excruciating detail in this very book!!

And so, Lex walks in and finds me unconscious on the sofa, and what does he do? He reads my diary!!!

 

Clark paused his writing, and looked down at himself, at his arms. Starting to feel bad for lashing out at Lex, he once again picked up his pen.

 

OK, that’s not strictly true. Thanks to Lex, I’m in a lot less pain than I usually am after a session – Lex tended to my arms, put cream on all the burns. Also, when I wake up after doing the ‘burn thing’, I’m usually forcing myself not to scream in pain, but tonight? There was no stiffness; I woke up to the feeling of fingers running gently through my hair, and a comfortable presence. Lex.

 

Lex was worried about me. I’m the only real friend he has in this town, and he finds me unconscious in the loft, with burns on my arms – what else is he gonna do but worry?! I know Lex thinks I have it made – I may not have his money, but I know he envies me my family, my friends. But Lex doesn’t know about the hard things in my life – how hard it is to keep up the façade, to protect the secrets he so desperately desires to know. So of course, he couldn’t understand why, and he needed to know – not just because he was curious, but because I am his friend and he was scared!

 

With that, Clark took a deep breath, and let go of all the anger he had felt at Lex for reading his diary.

 

Now, Lex still shouldn’t have looked in my diary, he ought to have waited till I woke up and asked me then, but he didn’t, so I must move on and focus on the now.

Lex read my diary – what did he read? What does he know – if anything?

The reasoning behind the burning? Is something he deserves to know, something that I want to tell him regardless.

 

If I’m honest, if he knows about the alien thing, I’d be relieved – even though Dad would go MENTAL.

 

But if its about my feelings for him? That would break my heart, because I know that even if he is attracted to men – if he is even a little attracted to me, he still wouldn’t return my feelings. Not because he is not capable of love – far from it, but because Lex is such a strong person, he deserves someone better than me – a human, a girl – not a self-harming self-pitying alien!

 

*******

Meanwhile, Lex had stopped in front of his car, taking a moment (and a few deep breaths) to try to collect his thoughts, and to consider the possible ramifications of what had occurred, the discovery he had made about his best friend.

 

//He’s in love with me.// Lex thought for what he thought must be the millionth time since leaving the barn. //Clark is in love with me.//

 

“At what point did I leave reality?” Lex asked the sky.

 

The sky did not answer. Lex felt a strong need to glare at it but kept it in check.

 

Except…if he had left reality then wouldn’t it be okay? Lex chuckled quietly at the thought as he finally got into the car and headed towards the mansion.

 

To his great relief his father was nowhere to be found. He headed straight for the good bottle of brandy and poured himself a large measure before tossing it back. He automatically reached for another but decided against it. He needed to think, and thinking wouldn’t be too easy if he kept drinking.

 

Lex put down the glass and went to sit at his desk. For a moment he fiddled with the edge of the laptop sitting there, then he opened it and clicked on something on his desktop before he began typing.

 

I went to see Clark today and found him in the barn with burns all over his arms and legs. He did it to himself, but why? What does Clark have in his life that drives him to that point? Everything seems so…perfect to me.

 

It must be that secret that he thinks he’s hiding so well. I know his parents know it and I am fairly certain Pete knows as well. Why won’t he tell me? It can’t be that bad, and he knows I would never tell anyone…doesn’t he?

 

Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he thinks I’d exploit him. But could he be in love with me and not trust me? Or, being Clark, maybe he thinks it would be a burden.

 

Burden. I’ve got enough of those, what’s one more? I think it would be easier to bear knowing it was told from trust and from a friend.

 

Love. Clark Kent loves me. It must be true then. I’d have to be in a different reality for Clark to fall in love with me. A Luthor. Then again, he’s never seen me as a Luthor. Just as Lex. That is part of what draws me to him – the fact that he looks past the freakish exterior, sees through the arrogant façade I create, and ignores the shadow of Lionel that hangs over me as his heir.

 

I have always strove to ensure I would not lose Clark’s friendship, as I know I will never have such a loyal and true friend. And in doing so, I have had to hide my true feelings for him.

 

From the moment I woke up, soaked and shivering at the riverside, with an angelic-faced dripping wet Adonis leaning over me, I knew that I would never see another person so beautiful – and I haven’t.

 

However, he was also a child – a high school student, in comparison to me – a 21 year old running a business. The fact that he was male could get me into enough trouble in rural Kansas – but a minor? Even a Luthor would find it hard to escape a paedophilia charge. So, however attracted I was, a friend was all I could consider Clark to be – at least for now. 3 years have since passed – Clark is pushing 18 – no longer a minor, but I am no longer willing to risk the friendship that we have. I know I could not lose the best friend I have ever made – that relationship means more to me than any attraction I may feel for him. My curiosity over his secrets was almost enough to break the bonds we had built – how was I to know whether or not revealing my true feelings would shatter them irrevocably?

 

Regardless as to the reasons for keeping my emotions to myself (aside from the obvious – that I’m a Luthor, and thus should never show emotions), it appears that I need not have done, as they are returned. But what now? In order to discover this titbit of information, I invaded my best friends privacy – I read his *diary* for fucks sake! And I still did not find out what I wanted to know - *why* is my best friend self-harming?

 

That is the most important thing.

 

Clark considers me his best friend, and I now know what he’s been doing. He may be angry with my for invading his privacy – and he deserves an apology for that (which I *will* give him), but I also need him to understand that it was only my worry for him that drove me to do such a thing, and that he needs to talk to someone. I – being the only other person who knows about what he has been doing to himself, am the most obvious candidate. I’ll cope with him being angry with me, as long as he will let me help him through this!

 

Pushing himself away from the desk, Lex knew he had to go back to the Kent Farm – regardless of what had happened earlier, Clark’s well being was more important than anything else, and he had to help his best friend.

 

Locking the word document, he closed down the laptop, and walked slowly out of the mansion, determined that he would sort out his friends mental state – maybe then, they could discuss the possibility of anything more between them.

 

Nervousness settled into Lex’s stomach as he climbed back into his car. He chose to ignore it as he turned the key and smashed the gas pedal down, hoping the speed would whip the feeling right out of him.

 

He tried to slow down and not screech to a stop like he normally would when he reached the Kent Farm, not wanting Clark to hear. It would give him time to run if he wanted, and Lex had no intention of letting him get away just yet.

 

Quietly, Lex walked into the barn and slowly up the stairs. Clark was standing with his back to Lex, looking through his telescope. For a few ridiculously long seconds Lex stood at the top of the stairs and watched. Then he cleared his throat, making Clark jerk away from the telescope and turn in surprise.

 

Anger flashed in Clark’s eyes when he saw whom it was, making Lex want to flinch - but he held his cool composure. Walking further in, Lex said firmly, “We need to talk.”

 

Clark stood and took a few steps towards Lex, making him wish he’d just stayed sitting. It was easier to be firm with Clark when he could temporarily forget how much bigger Clark was.

 

“So you know,” Clark said in a low voice that made Lex’s skin crawl. When had Clark become so…scary?

 

“Yes,” Lex nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me, Clark? I could have helped you sooner.”

 

“Oh, you could have helped me? Helped me how?”

 

“We could have gotten you professional help before it got so out of hand, or—“

 

Clark interrupted with something very close to a growl. “So I need help with it? What, you think that’s something that can just be fixed?”

 

Okay, now Lex was confused. “Well of course it can, Clark. You just need the right help is all. Even if you weren’t willing to go to someone with experience I could still help you.”

 

“You think someone’s got experience with this?”

 

This answer only served to make Lex’s confusion grow. “Of course. Lots of people have experienced this sort of inner turmoil. It’s just that most of them cut themselves, instead of burning.”

 

Clark blinked and some of the anger was replaced with surprise, but Lex didn’t notice as he tried to get in his apology before Clark could overrun him again.

 

“Look, I’m sorry I read your diary, Clark, but I was really concerned about you and thought it might hold the answers,” Lex explained. “Can you forgive me?”

 

For a moment Clark didn’t answer, then he nodded slowly. “Yeah. I forgive you. And I’m sorry I got so angry, I know you were just worried about me.”

 

Lex nodded, relaxing slightly and allowing a smile onto his face. “For a minute there it sounded like you thought I read something else.”

 

“Well I haven’t been able to add mind reading to my list yet, you know,” Clark quipped.

 

Lex frowned. “To your list of what?”

 

Clark’s face paled and he quickly put on that fake smile he used when he was about to lie. “Nothing. Just joking.”

 

Lex’s eyes narrowed slightly. “To your list of what, Clark? I can’t help you if I don’t know everything and I think this has something to do with it.”

 

Panic filled Clark’s eyes and Lex thought someone really needed to teach Clark how to hide his emotions if he wanted to keep hiding this. “Nothing, really. I was just kidding. What kind of list would I have anyway?”

 

“You tell me,” Lex said slowly. “What kind of list would you have, Clark?”

 

For a moment there was silence as Clark struggled to find the right lie, so Lex started filling in the blanks.

 

“Alright, Clark, we’re going to do it this way. I’ll say something. If it’s right, nod, if it’s not, shake your head. Okay?”

 

Clark bit his lip, then nodded slowly.

 

“Okay,” Lex thought back for a moment before saying “You’re always there when someone needs help, seemingly out of nowhere. Either you can run really fast or teleport, I’m guessing running.” He paused and got another slow nod. “Things around people you’ve helped have been mysteriously torn off or smashed or just plain broken in half. Things that people shouldn’t be able to do those things to. So I’m thinking you have more strength than most people. A LOT more.” Another nod.

 

Lex paused again before continuing. “You’ve found things even the police can’t find. You were able to tell me that my watch wasn’t in the room that time I lost it in under a minute. Can you see through things?”

 

When Clark spoke his voice was shaky and slightly cracked, “Anything except lead.”

 

Lex tried to keep the shakiness from his own voice as he spoke again. “The only time I’ve ever seen you weak is around meteor rocks. Which makes me think you’re not a meteor mutant?”

 

Clark shook his head.

 

Lex took a deep breath. “Clark? Did you come with the meteors?”

 

“Yes,” the word was spoken with so much tight worry that, even as the information slammed into Lex, he felt the need to comfort Clark. He held it back, though, and instead placed slightly shaking hands on the railing.

 

“You came with them,” Lex said, his voice holding a tone of awe. “You’re an alien.”

 

Clark turned sharply and quickly grabbed his chair. Lex thought he was going to sit down but instead he slid the chair towards Lex. Lex gratefully sat down.

 

“That’s not all I can do,” Clark said softly, eyes locked to the floor now. “I can light things on fire with my eyes and sometimes I can fly.”

 

Two things clicked together with this information; the night he’d found Clark lying in the middle of the highway and the burns on Clark’s arms and legs.

 

“God, Clark,” Lex stood again and reached out to put a hand on Clark’s shoulder. Clark looked surprised but didn’t move. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I’m sorry, I wanted to, but Dad kept telling me you’d tell someone or experiment on me or something and it kept putting doubts in my head and I didn’t want to burden you with something like that either or make you look at me differently,” Clark babbled. “Are you looking at me differently?”

 

/No/ Lex thought. /That’s the strangest part/

 

“No,” Lex answered. “I mean, a little. You just told me you’re an alien. You’re not human. But…you’re still Clark Kent. So no, not really. You just…you have to tell me everything, Clark. What you can do and what you know about the meteors.”

 

Clark’s eyes narrowed slightly and he asked, “What’ll you do with this information?”

 

“Help you,” Lex said simply. “And you’ll also answer some questions.”

 

Clark nodded slowly. A tiny smile crept onto his face. “You’re really not seeing me any differently. Much different, I mean.”

 

Lex shook his head slowly. “No. Just Clark. But we still need to talk about you burning yourself.”

 

Clark looked down at his feet, ducking his head in shame. “I-I’m sorry. I know that it’s stupid, it’s just that, sometimes I just feel like I’ve literally got the weight of the world on my shoulders – I have all these powers, but every day I have to lie, and to hide in order to keep myself and my family safe. I’m the only one capable of stopping the meteor mutants – but its my fault they’re here in the first place, I’m responsible!”

 

Lex was ready to interrupt at that, needing to reassure his friend, but he knew that Clark had to let everything out, let him realise for himself the reasoning behind what he has been doing.

 

“But I feel so bad and I couldn’t talk to anyone – my parents don’t understand and I didn’t want to worry them. I, I just wanted the pain to go away. I’ve never really felt real pain – ‘cept for when I lost my powers and broke my ribs, but, but the first time I burnt myself – accidentally, when I was working on controlling the heat vision, all my feelings – everything, it was like I just whited out. The only thing I could feel was the burn. No worry, no guilt, no pain – just the physical pain of the burn.”

 

Lex put his hand to Clark’s cheek, and tilted his head – forcing Clark to look up, into Lex’s eyes. “Firstly, I’m sure your parents have said this to you before, but the problems caused by the meteor shower are just that – problems caused by a meteor shower, not from you!! So you came down with them – does that mean that a baby being born in California just before an earthquake there is to blame for its occurrence? Of course not! Just like it is not the fault of a baby sent to Earth if the ship drags some debris along with it.”

 

Clark tried to look back at the floor again but Lex jerked his head right back up. “And I will tell you that every day if I need to until you believe me. OK?”

 

After a moment, Clark realised Lex was waiting for an answer, so he slowly and silently nodded his head.

 

“Secondly, your parents may not understand – and I appreciate you not wanting to worry them, but I would have understood had you confided in me.”

 

Seeing the pained look appear in Clark’s face at that comment, Lex realised how barbed the comment had been taken. “I’m not trying to guilt you here Clark, I’m just saying that I would have – and do, understand how you feel – because I have felt the same way.”

 

And Clark’s confused and questioning gaze, Lex took a breath before explaining. “You see Clark, when my mother died, I felt worthless, a shell, like there was no reason for me to exist – feelings which were underlined by my father’s treatment of me. The fact that I blamed myself partly for my mother’s death – something which my father never attempted to dissuade me of, was also a large contributor to how I felt. And thus, I wanted this pain, the grief and guilt of my mother’s death, and the complete lack of self-worth, to go away. So I started to cut myself.”

 

Clark gasped, and gazed intently at his friend – as if looking for something. Lex knew immediately what Clark was searching for, and he stepped back as he started to unbutton his shirt. “Well, you have commented before on how you’ve never seen me in short-sleeves? Well, this is why.”

 

Turning to place his shirt over the back of the chair, Lex turned back to Clark, arms outstretched, and gestured at his upper arms. Along both arms – particularly the undersides, were the faint white marks that were all that remained.

 

Clark gasped once again and, eyes full of tears, walked up to his best friend, who breathed in sharply as Clark ran his fingers gently over every scar, before pulling Lex to him and wrapping his arms around him. Relaxing into the still rather tight embrace, Lex started to explain.

 

“After my mother passed away, Lionel moved me from the English boarding school she had chosen, and placed me in Excelsior Prep. A private school for the rich and gifted, it should have been the perfect place for the son of a successful businessman. But not only was I a bald-headed freak, I was the freak in classes with peers two years older than me, who came from ‘new money’. Still over-wrought with grief, I didn’t much care about my lack of friends, but the sheer amount of trouble I was getting from my classmates meant that I ended up being roomed with the only boy who wasn’t giving me trouble – a young man by the name of Bruce Wayne.

Bruce did not care about my appearance - we share a passion for the sciences, which meant that I actually followed his theories. If it was not related to our education, Bruce was not much of a talker – he had been orphaned at 10, unfortunate enough to actually be standing with his parents, as they were both shot by a mugger. So, if anyone was going to understand what I was going through, it was Bruce. He has this scary ability to read people – sometimes it feels like he actually can read your mind. He had never came right out and said he knew what I did, but he knew. He always made sure that we had soothing balms, bandages, cream, band-aids – anything I may have needed to recover, but he still never confronted me about anything…until…”

 

Lex’s eyes clouded over as he relived the experience that resulted in the halt of his self-harming. Seeing the pain in his best friend’s eyes, Clark tilted Lex’s head up and looked directly into his eyes as he cuddled him closer and whispered, “It’s OK Lex, I know what you’ve got to say is hard. Take as long as you need.”

 

Touched by Clark’s reaction, Lex took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of pure Clark before stepping back and placing a hand on Clark’s cheek with a soft smile.

 

“Thanks Clark, that means a lot. Lets take a seat, and I’ll tell you the rest.”

Clark nodded and led Lex over to the ratty sofa, settling himself before pulling Lex alongside him and snuggling in. Smiling softly at the affectionate means by which Clark attempted to reassure him, Lex squeezed Clark’s hand before continuing with his explanation.

 

“Well, the first Christmas without Mom – lets just say that Lionel made it far from a happy occasion. I came back to school tremendously depressed – the only thing I wanted was my knife.

 

Well, the first evening back, Bruce had yet to arrive from Gotham, so I just sat there, knife in my hand, going over everything that had happened over the holidays, and I never felt more worthless. I started cutting – I cut and cut, not just restricting myself to my upper arms anymore.

The blood was trickling down both arms and all over my sheet when Bruce walked in. He immediately threw his bags down and took my knife – which I never got back, now I think about it. Then he tended to me – bathed, soothed and creamed my arms – bandaging my right wrist, gave me some sleeping tablets and put me in his bed.

When I awoke in the morning, it was to a spotless room, and a lecture…

 

‘Look Lex, I, more than anyone, understand what you’re feeling since you lost Lillian. So, I was willing to overlook the self-harm, since I knew you would only take it so far. However, almost committing suicide? Is too far.’

 

‘I wasn’t trying to-‘

 

‘Maybe not consciously, but still. Lex, if I hadn’t come back when I did, you would be dead right now. You know that. Both of us also know that there’s no way that you would talk to a shrink about this, so…’

 

‘No offence Bruce, but you’re not exactly the emotional type’…

 

Which is true. But Bruce’s version of help was more physical. He started to teach me martial arts and self-defence. By the time next Christmas rolled round, I felt better about my appearance and my worth. I had stopped cutting – and however bad things got, I have never done it again.”

 

Lex’s explanation cup hath runneth over, and he looked up at Clark, trying to gauge his reaction.

 

Clark’s face was a mix of surprise and anger. Lex tensed slightly, almost afraid that the anger was directed at him - but a small smile from Clark quickly eased the fear.

 

“Sorry, I’m just really mad at your father,” Clark explained. “I mean, how could he do that to you? Just let you think…and not do anything to help…”

 

“Because that’s how my father is, Clark,” Lex told him softly. “He probably saw it as a test.”

 

For a moment there was silence as Clark absorbed all this. A gentle hand came up and absently stroked Lex’s scalp and Lex found himself leaning into the soft touch.

 

“It kinda surprised me,” Clark started after a moment. “I mean, you always seem so cool and controlled. I never thought of you losing control like that.”

 

Lex tilted his head so he could see Clark and wasn’t all that surprised to see a fearful look in his friend’s eyes.

 

“Don’t worry, Clark,” Lex said quietly. “I’ll never do anything like that again.”

 

Clark nodded. “Sorry. It seems really selfish, me asking you not to do it again but here I am…”

 

“Clark, it’s okay. Really,” Lex twisted slightly so he could fully face Clark. “Just promise me something. Whenever you have the urge to do it, call me first, okay?”

 

Clark hesitated, the look in his eyes telling Lex he didn’t want Lex to have to go through that, but slowly he nodded. “I promise.”

 

“Thank you,” Lex lifted his other arm to wrap his friend in a hug, immersing one hand in Clark’s soft locks as Clark buried his face in his neck.

 

Clark wrapped his arms around Lex, inhaling the scent that was just innately him. However, as he did so, with his hands rubbing Lex’s back, it suddenly registered with both men that they were both shirtless. Their hands froze for a moment, Clark loosening his grip on Lex’s waist as he slowly brought his head up – Lex moving his hands to cradle Clark’s head as he did so. Their eyes met, and they froze again, before both of Lex’s hands immersed themselves in Clark’s hair as Clark’s hands cradled Lex’s hips. Lex lifted his head slightly just as Clark began to lower his.

 

Their lips were inches away from each other when…

 

“Clark! Dinner!”

 

They quickly backed away from each other at the sound of Martha’s voice. Patting his chest, Clark reached over the back of the couch and grabbed his shirt, throwing Lex his as Martha started up the stairs.

 

“I saw Lex’s car outside, so I’ve set another place incase you wanted to stay for di-dinner, Lex.” Martha’s voice faded out as she reached the top of the stairs and was met with the sight of her son, hair all askew, looking guilty as he shoved his diary in his desk drawer, and Lex Luthor with his shirt untucked, fastening the last few buttons.

 

“Mrs Kent, this really is not what it appears to be.”

 

Martha raised a dubious brow in Lex’s direction, which lowered as she noticed the unmistakeable redness of his eyes, and the gleam that spoke of an emotional confrontation of some sort. Seeing the exact same things reflected in the face of her son, her expression softened – something that Clark noticed immediately, sending her a slight smile before walking up behind Lex and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

 

“I believe you Lex. I know that you both exchanged words earlier, and I’m just glad that the two of you seem to have sorted yourselves out – although obviously not without some upset.”

 

Lex looked down, embarrassed at the thought that his emotions were so obvious.

 

She stepped back to meet her son’s eyes as she added, “I would just like to know what has upset my son, and why he could not talk to us about it.”

 

Clark looked down at his feet guiltily for a moment before turning his gaze to Lex. Martha just watched, as they seemed to have a conversation with their eyes, ending with Lex giving the hand on his shoulder a squeeze before Clark stepped away to retrieve his diary.

 

Diary in hand, Clark gestured to his mother to precede them down the stairs. Looking pointedly at the notebook in his hands, she crossed her arms and waited for an explanation.

 

Clark opened and closed his mouth several times – he had not had to explain what he had done to Lex, because Lex had caught him. So how on earth was he meant to explain it to his mother?! Lex saw the look on Clark’s face and stepped in.

 

“It’s a necessary part of the explanation Martha. The thing Clark and I have been discussing concerns Clark’s confidence and sense of self, apart from anything else. Thus, what better way to explain than by using the format in which he releases his thoughts and feelings? I think this is going to be a difficult discussion, and I know that it is one Clark does not particularly want to repeat, so would you mind terribly if we waited until after dinner, and explained everything to you and Mr. Kent together?”

 

Martha glanced at her son – the troubled look on his face and his desperate grip on Lex’s shirtsleeve persuaded her. “Of course dear. Just give me a moment to have a word with Jonathon while I dish out the dinner, and we’ll discuss everything over a good meal – you need some good food in you dear boy!”

 

With a wry smile acknowledging the comment about his weight (or lack thereof) Lex nodded and Martha hastened back into the house. She had barely reached the front steps when Lex turned back to Clark, ready to be calm and reassuring, only to see Clark following his mother with his eyes, a soft smile on his face.

 

Lex took the hand from his shirtsleeve and allowed his own to be swallowed within it as he said softly; “Now that’s what I like to see – a smiling Clark.”

 

Clark squeezed his hand gently, his smile remaining even as his gaze moved over to the man standing before him. “She likes you. I’m glad – and she wouldn’t dare mention your weight unless she knew you liked her too.”

 

Lex smiled back, as they made their way towards the house. “Yes, I adore your mother – well, who wouldn’t? You’re very lucky to have her – even if she does spend the majority of her time in my presence trying to fatten me up!”

 

“That’s just part of who Mom is Lex. I really am glad she likes you though, makes things a lot easier – especially now.” And there it was. The look of panic, worry and fear Lex had been trying to avoid.

 

So, heedless of the fact that they were now standing in the middle of the Kent’s driveway – where anyone could drive past and see, Lex wrapped his arms around Clark, knowing that it was physical reassurance that would calm Clark the most.

Clark responded immediately, wrapping his own arms around Lex in return, burrowing his face in Lex’s neck and taking several slow deep breaths as Lex murmured soft assurances that everything was going to be all right.

 

Martha stepped out onto the porch to call the boys in, and at the sight before her she nodded determinedly. In that moment, she accepted Lex’s place as a permanent part of their life. “Come on in boys! Dinners on the table!”

 

As they reached the door, Clark took another deep breath in preparation. Lex took his hand and squeezed gently, and whispered, “Look Clark, whatever happens, I am here. And I’ll be with you every step of the way. I’ve got your back, ok?”

 

Smiling down at the man he was just beginning to realise meant the world to him, Clark nodded slightly, before pushing open the door and walking in, Lex not two steps behind.

 

*******

 

Jonathon said nothing as the two boys took their seats (although Lex could see by the look on his face that it was an effort!), and actually nodded to Lex in return of Lex’s own greeting. And that was it out of the two Kent men, whose entire focus switched wholeheartedly to the food in front of them. Lex smiled fondly at Clark and shook his head, glad that Clark had an appetite, before returning his focus to his own meal.

 

Remembering the panic that she had seen on her sons face at the thought of revealing this latest trouble, Martha knew better than to bring it up during the meal, and so allowed everyone to eat their fill – especially pleased to see Lex having a second helping.

 

*******

Having waited until desert had been served and partly consumed, Martha had decided it was about time to broach the topic at hand.

 

“Clark, you had something to share with your dad and me,” she glanced between all three men sitting before her, and was troubled by the distress visible in the eyes of the two boys.

 

She could see that Jonathon was already wound up to strike, so she made a point to slip her hand underneath the chair and on to his leg. If need be she’d dig her fingers in, to keep the man from doing anything rash.

Once again the two exchanged dialogue with their eyes. Her son really did not want to share with them whatever he had felt he could with Lex, and no matter how much she liked the young man, she could not help but feel a bit resentful about that. She was Clark’s mother, if he could not confide in her …

 

Finally, Lex started the ball rolling.

 

“I came to visit earlier, I’m not sure if you were aware of that. And well, I found …” Lex trailed off. It really wasn’t in his nature to be at a loss for words but, how does one reveal to their best friend’s parents that Clark had been harming himself? That their invincible boy was making himself bleed?

 

“He found me burned and bleeding.” Clark had been unable to watch Lex look so lost, especially not in front of his dad - who was almost as bad as Lionel Luthor when it came to jumping on Lex at any perceived sign of weakness.

 

“What?!” Jonathan as predicted had been ready to leap out of his seat, and it was only by the survival instinct inherent in any mother, that Martha managed to dig in deep enough to cause him to stay seated and wince, as she sat beside him in shock.

 

“I, I’ve been burning myself.”

 

Jonathan and Martha looked frantically between Lex and Clark, “He knows Mom, Dad … he knows everything.”

 

******

 

This time nothing kept Jonathan from making a grab for Lex, and he would have managed too - had it not been for Clark’s super fast reflexes.

 

Martha’s eyes widened while Jonathan’s lips thinned in anger; evidently Clark had told Lex everything.

 

Trying to be calm, Martha asked quietly; “Clark, honey, don’t you think you should have discussed this with us before telling him?”

 

It was uncertain who was protecting whom; Clark stood in front of Lex as a barrier from his father, but it was Lex’s arm around his waist that seemed to provide Clark with the strength to look her in the eyes and answer.

 

“I needed someone to know—“

 

“Why the hell didn’t you just tell Pete? It’s apparent you couldn’t tell us!” Jonathan was furious, some of it was fear driven but most of it was just anger that the Luthors had managed to weasel their way in to his son’s confidence. Into his family, and that once again Jonathan was to be at their mercy.

 

“Oh like that worked out so well.”

 

Clark didn’t mean to be snide, it never worked to counter his dad’s anger with some of his own, but God almighty, Pete had used both red and green kryptonite on him. He’d looked at him with disgust and no small amount of fear when he first found out, and then treated him like his own personal tick pet. It was a long time before Pete looked or treated him like anything close to the friends they’d once been.

 

Lex on the other hand, had just taken things in stride. Nothing had changed. Things only looked to be getting better from here on out between them. Clark could never say that for his friendship with Pete.

 

“What did you expect?! This isn’t exactly normal. Pete acted the way anyone would have, but of course Luthor would have acted differently. You’re going to be profitable to him now. What are you going to do, threaten us, bribe us, how are you going to manage to get past us so that you can get him on a lab table? ”

 

Clark was hurt, but a great deal of anger was also building up, and when he felt Lex flinch behind him at the accusations, he exploded.

 

“I didn’t even really tell him!!! He found my journal and kinda figured things out from there!”

 

Not giving his dad time or breath to use that to further his argument, Clark, in a very quiet but angry voice went on. “He saw the evidence up front, but didn’t understand part of the reasons until he read my journal. He only got to read a part of it. I told him about being an alien thinking he had read all of it.”

 

Walking away from Lex and towards his dad, Clark continued a notch lower and steelier, “But you know what Dad, he didn’t act like Pete. He didn’t care that it wasn’t normal. What did I expect? I expected the worst, I expected disgust and hate and fear. Like Pete looked at me, like he still looks at me sometimes. Like you sometimes do, when something new pops up,” In spite of Jonathon shaking his head in denial, Clark continued; “not the disgust and loathing maybe. But I see the fear, I can smell it.”

 

Clark sighed, feeling Lex’s arms wind around him. Touching them, placing his own hands over Lex’s, he grounded himself and carried on.

 

“You’re right, Dad. It’s not normal, but despite that, I still expected a bit of compassion and understanding from someone whom I considered family. So, I didn’t expect anything from Lex and you’re right, Lex has never been normal.”

 

He could feel the hurt coming off Lex, and when the arms around him went to pull away, he held on tighter as he rushed to finish his point. “Lex isn’t normal, Dad, and I’m very grateful for that.”

 

Turning, he looked into his best friend’s eyes, and spoke from the heart. “I was lucky the day you hit me with your car. Because from that moment on I had someone who would always watch out for me. Who, when faced with the reason for what set you apart from the rest, what caused your childhood teasing,” Clark slid his hand across Lex’s bald head, “still only thought of my current distress.”

 

Looking back at his dad, “So excuse me, dad, if I couldn’t tell Pete that I hurt myself because I feel no one understands me. Forgive me dad for having given in to the weakness tonight, for having felt so lost and desolate that I burnt too deep and too much of my normally invulnerable flesh that I passed out on the floor of the loft. Forgive me, that I had a friend who was compassionate and considerate enough to heal my wounds while I lay unconscious, and waited, for the most part, until I woke for an explanation rather than running to you or looking upon me with judgement. Forgive me, Dad, for trusting someone who would trust me with his own broken past when I have given him no reason to consider me worthy. Forgive me-”

 

“We get the picture, Clark” Jonathan could only hear so much more of Lex’s supposed good nature. He was sure it was all a façade so as to get in to the boy’s good graces, he should have seen this coming the day Luthor went in and out of that loft as though it was his own … shit.

 

“Did you just say he found you on the floor of your loft? Where anyone could have come upon you?! Pete, Lana, CHLOE?!”

 

Clark shrunk in on himself more and more, with each question and name that his father steadily hollered at him, until he was almost hunched low enough to be level with his mother.

 

*****

Not wanting to intrude, Lex had kept quiet up until that point, knowing Jonathan Kent’s low regard of him. But at the sheer recklessness of the man’s words, the hurt he could see them causing in his dearest friend, Lex stepped in front of Clark, as if to shelter him from his father’s wrath.

 

“I suggest you stop right there! Firstly, I would never do anything to hurt or endanger Clark. I won’t use his secret against you and I sure as hell won’t use it against him. It is perfectly safe with me. But frankly, Mr. Kent - and I use that term of respect only because my mother raised me to. You disgust me. Standing there all ‘holier than thou’ about how we Luthors are untrustworthy, when your son has just told you that he hurts himself. Mutilates his body to block his pain, pain that is so tremendously, uncontrollably overwhelming at times, that the only way he has to cope is to burn his own flesh. And all you can do is rant about where he was when he did so?!”

 

Flustered and red faced now; “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!”

 

That yell had finally managed to get Martha moving, pulling Jonathan down to sit with her, she whispered harshly into his ear, “You say another word, Jonathan, and you will lose both your son and your wife.” Deadly serious, she stared him down until he gave a nod of acquiescence.

 

Regarding Lex with not a little bit of wonder, she had never seen him so out of control, she instead concentrated on the boy she had the slightest chance of reaching.

 

“Clark, we’re sorry. You just caught us off guard. This wasn’t something we were expecting. Not you telling Lex, or you being this hurt … to hear both things at once…”

 

She knew it didn’t justify Jonathan’s hurtful words or the truth in Clark’s.

Jonathan was afraid, afraid for Clark, afraid for her, afraid for all of them. It wasn’t even always about fearing what Clark could do; it was about fearing how they were ever going to be able to protect such an incredible being. After all, you could only have so much luck before a new power crops up in a very public way.

She should have known as perceptive as Clark was, almost on an empathetic level in regards to them, that he would have sensed the fear and as insecure as he was that he would have assumed the worst. Oh, my poor baby.

 

Trusting Jonathan to behave, she got up and walked over to Clark, no sudden movements, fearing that Lex may lash out in protectiveness.

 

Reaching them both, she cupped her son’s face, thankful that he did not flinch or pull away but instead moved into the touch. Her boy had such a big heart.

 

“You, Clark, are a blessing. You’re our blessing. And if we’ve made you feel anything but that, anything less than that, then we are sorry beyond words.”

 

Kissing each cheek, she pulled away - touching Lex’s cheek fleetingly as she did so. He did flinch as expected, more in surprise than anything else she would imagine.

 

“Thank you, for seeing him for what he is. Thank you for being what he needs, but you must understand that we need to know more.”

 

Sensing what his mom was asking for and what Lex was about to do, Clark leant down to whisper, “You don’t have to do this. You don’t need to tell them anything.”

 

He meant it. They were his parents, so they deserved the truth about what was going on in his life, but Lex? He owed them nothing.

 

Patting Clark in reassurance, he straightened himself to his full height and thought to move out of Clark’s arms, but decided against it. Instead he tucked himself under Clark’s chin, not caring how he may have looked; for once he was going to do what he wanted. He didn’t really care much what Jonathan thought anymore, knowing that Clark supported him fully was all that mattered.

 

Martha Kent remained before them, so he directed the explanation to her. “I used to cut myself.”

 

Why pussyfoot around the issue, he was more a ‘ripping that bandage in one fell swoop’ kind of guy anyhow.

 

“After my mother died and my dad shipped me to a completely different and undesirable boarding school, I allowed the pressures to get to me. Feeling, being ostracized, and my dad letting me believe the idea that my mom’s death had been my fault, and having no one to turn to, I turned to an alternative method to control the pain inside.”

 

Martha gasped, her face ashen as she leaned into her husband for support. “Your shirt…your arms…” she whispered, trailing off as the pieces fell into place in her mind.

Lex nodded with a sigh, before turning his focus to Jonathon.

 

“You see, Mr. Kent, I understand what Clark’s going through, and if it hadn’t been for my room mate coming back from vacation earlier than expected, one of my escapades may have resulted in me bleeding to death. That’s not what I want for Clark. It isn’t about being too weak, and it isn’t about being emotional. It’s about having your heart be burdened with more than it cares to be. About wanting to take all that anguish from inside and turn it into something physical, something controllable and manageable and less monumental.”

 

Tilting back a little to look into watery green eyes, the eyes of his most treasured person, he finished off with a whisper, choked by unspilled tears.

 

“It’s about taking the hurt of the loss of my mother, the complete heartache of it that I had no control over, and putting it into a cut. A cut that I could heal, that would heal and that mattered so little in the grand scheme of things. Especially considering how fast I heal. You see Clark, the meteors left me not only bald, but with a body that heals abnormally swiftly. The only reason I lived long enough for you to save me on that bridge, was because of the healing powers that day gifted me. I may have lost my hair that day, but I also lost my asthma, and more or less any possibility of permanent illness or injury. You were my saviour even before we met.”

 

*****

Clark, uncaring of his parent’s presence, pulled Lex in to a tight hug. It was years ago, and since Lex’s arrival in Smallville his life had been in danger almost on a weekly basis. Regardless, they both knew that no matter what, Clark would always make it in time to save the day. To think there had been a time when Lex needed him so much and he hadn’t been there, that he could have been so close to losing him without ever knowing him…

 

“I’m so sorry, so, so sorry,” it wasn’t enough. Nothing Clark could say would ever be enough to make up for everything that Lex had gone through but he could try to prevent any more hurt from touching the older man.

 

“Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for,” pulling away to cup Clark’s cheek Lex reiterated, “absolutely nothing to be sorry for.”

 

They appeared to be immersed totally in each other, Clark’s arms still tightly wrapped around Lex and Lex’s hands cupping Clark’s face, staring into each others eyes. They seemed totally oblivious to the people around them: if not for the very loud throat clearing of one Martha Kent.

 

She hadn’t really wanted to break them apart, but even she could only hold Jonathan back for so long, and this blatant display of affection was pushing it.

 

“Please, both of you have a seat,” thinking perhaps the dining room table was too close quarters, “in the living room. We’ll join you shortly with some coffee – and milk for you Clark, you have chores in the morning.”

 

Realising that they had won a bit of understanding from at least one parent, both young men made their way to the living room, Clark still keeping Lex close.

 

*****

 

Taking a deep breath she turned her attention to the fuse that was waiting to go off, “Jonathan, look at me please.”

 

She flinched at the eyes that rose to stare at her. “I can’t.”

 

With all the hate she could hear there was also hurt, immense hurt, and pain. “This changes nothing, Martha,” he added, with a whispered hiss of anguish.

 

Upon hearing that, she pulled him as far away from the boys as she could and prayed that Clark was not listening in.

 

“What kind of man does that make me?” he hissed, and before she could even think of something soothing to respond with, he was gone, screen door slamming shut too loud for the silence left behind.

 

*******

 

“I’m sorry, Mom.” She must have stood staring at the door for too long if Clark had left Lex to come looking for her.

 

“Nothing you have to apologize for,” not really, Jonathan and I have done this to our family, but there was no need to say any of that. It was time to fix things, not to place blame.

 

“Come on Clark, put the plates in the sink for me and I’ll bring in the drinks.”

 

Following her son in to the living room she wasn’t surprised to see that Lex had gained his poise back, Luthor mask firmly in place. However, she also noticed that it disappeared the moment Clark settled beside him, and asked herself, had it always been this way?

 

“Jonathan won’t be joining us,” settling in the arm chair across from them, “he needs a bit more time. This is a lot to take in.”

 

“We understand that, Mrs. Kent,” Lex replied, taking a sip of his coffee. “I did not share my past to gain sympathy; it was simply to try to help you see that I understood where Clark was coming from.”

 

Clark was beginning to get restless; it was no longer in his nature to be so open with his wants and needs. Hiding behind lies and masks had become the norm, while honesty was hard to come by. “Mom, I don’t know what to say except that I trust Lex and that I need him. I need to have his understanding and his friendship and his loyalty. I need someone in my corner, Mom, who will always choose me.”

 

“Clark, your Dad and I are in your corner. We’re your parents and that’s what parents do.”

 

Martha wanted to hold Clark, reassure him with touch where words seemed to fail them. But stopping his words now would continue to keep her in the dark as far as her son’s heartache, and that was no longer an option, it never should have been.

 

Clark could see that his words had hurt his mother – the thought of him going elsewhere for comfort and advice – of not wanting to turn to his parents. But he needed her to understand. Loathe as he was to leave Lex’s side, Clark had grown too restless, and started to pace before the fireplace has he strove to express his feelings.

 

“Mom, Lex …” Clark trailed off, tugging at his hair in frustration. God why does this have to be so hard?

 

“Lex will do anything for his friends. He told me that fairly early in his friendship, and I believed him then. I like knowing that there isn’t anything Lex wouldn’t do for me. That he’ll protect me no matter what.” Taking a deep breath, he added, knowing his mother would not approve, “Even if it may not always be exactly legal or moral as far as you’re concerned.”

 

Martha didn’t know whether to be appalled or not. Was this the Luthor influence that Jonathan feared so much, or had they let down their son so badly that he craved such extreme security?

 

Lex for his part, was just as taken aback. He hadn’t expected to hear anything remotely like that from Clark. His greatest fear was that his obsessive need to protect the farm boy would scare him off, not to hear otherwise. He was getting a heady feeling.

 

“Clark, lying to keep your secret safe is one thing, but-”

 

“But lying is not all we’ve done. When Mr. Jenkins held us hostage at the Plant, I did nothing so I could keep my secret safe. Lex killed Nixon to save me and Dad, and how many times has Lex or someone else I care about gotten hurt because I have had to keep my secret safe?”

 

Martha looked down at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap. She knew how much it hurt Clark to lie every day – it went against everything they had taught him. But at the same time, he had become so used to having to hide the alien part of himself, that he felt it acceptable to hide even from his parents! And it worried her, because who could they talk to about all this?

 

“I know Clark, I know. But what are we going to do? It’s not like we can send you to a psychiatrist to work through all this.”

 

“True. Seen as Clark would be unable to reveal the reason for his feelings, a psychiatrist would be useless,” Lex replied. “But now that Clark knows that he isn’t alone, and also that he’s got someone who can relate to how he’s been handling his pain, we can put a stop to it.”

 

This last statement, Lex directed more towards Clark than Martha, because it was important that Clark understand that Lex wasn’t going to allow for him to ever need that kind of release ever again. Lex was going to be there for Clark for everything, around the clock.

 

Lex looked Clark square in the eye, and could see that he was ashamed of the trouble he felt he had caused, and embarrassed at the idea that he needed some sort of counselling.

 

“Clark, you know we need to sort this out. How to help you. I mean, seeing you, lying there, unconscious....” he trailed off, forcing himself to swallow back the emotions. “I’d suspected you were pretty much invulnerable – and hey, turns out I was right! But, I guess I took it for granted that you would always be there. The thought of losing you…of you being gone…I just couldn’t cope if I had to go through that again Clark ok?!”

 

And in two strides, Clark was back in front of the couch, pulling Lex off it and into his arms, rubbing his back reassuringly. “I’m sorry Lex, I’m so so sorry. I promise I’ll never do it again I swear. I never meant to hurt you – I never meant to hurt anyone! No-one was supposed to know!”

 

Lex pulled back, and looked Clark in the eye as he said, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. I know that you will have days that you feel so bad, that you don’t think you can take another step unless you give in to the temptation to self-harm. And I know you thought that by keeping it all a secret you were protecting us – but you weren’t. And what’s more, you were putting yourself at risk as well! I don’t expect you to be able to stop just like that, on your own. But I’ve got your back right?”

 

Clark smiled slightly at the sound of Lex using such a plebeian phrase (again), and nodded.

 

“But I can’t be with you 24/7 Clark, and that is why….” Lex walked to the door. “Give me a minute, I just need to get something from the car”.

 

As the bald man strode past her to the door, Martha looked at her son in askance. Clark shrugged. It was Lex – it could be anything.

 

Within a few minutes, Lex reappeared at the doorway, and threw an object at Clark – who caught it instinctively.

 

“A cellphone?”

 

“Its my spare – I can pick up another one tomorrow, so don’t worry about that. Every single number on which I could possibly be reached: my cell, the mansion, the penthouse, the plant, Luthorcorp – everywhere, is programmed in, along with your home number. Whenever you feel like you need it, I want you to ring me – I don’t care where either of us are, and I don’t care what time it is, I want you to take this phone, and promise me that you will use it when you need to.”

 

The thought alone of always being able to reach Lex made Clark feel better than he had in weeks, but he knew better than to just mindlessly accept gifts from Lex without permission, and so turned to his mother.

 

Martha could see the good points to this idea, but in the absence of her husband, she felt compelled to downplay Lex’s involvement as and when she could. “Lex, this is kind of you, but we can’t ask you to take on this burden. Clark needs to-”

 

“Clark needs to stop shouldering all the responsibility,” his glare stilled the rest of Martha’s words. “And anyway, you didn’t ask. I offered.”

 

Seeing the look on Lex’s face, Martha knew that he would manage to persuade Clark to take the phone eventually, with or without their permission. And she had to admit: if the choice was her son calling Lex Luthor, or self-harming, she knew she had no real choice. With a sigh, she nodded, smiling slightly at the looks of relief on the faces of the two boys.

 

“OK, now that is settled, Clark, you go put that phone away some place safe. And then you and Lex can do the washing up.”

 

“Of course Mrs Kent, we’d be happy to,” Lex replied, standing and gathering the coffee cups to take to the kitchen.

 

Clark gaped at his mother. “But Mom! Lex is a guest!”

 

Martha raised an eyebrow at her son. “No he’s not. Lex is family.”

 

Martha was fully aware that Lex was standing in the kitchen doorway, frozen in shock at her response. Smiling softly as she stood, she wagged her finger at Lex as she admonished, “And what did I say before Lex? It’s Martha.”

 

Lex ducked his head with the nearest thing to a blush Martha had ever seen on him, as he nodded and retreated into the kitchen with a quiet, “Yes Martha.”

 

Returning her gaze to her son, she couldn’t help but smile back at him at the sight of his trademark 100Watt beam – a smile she had seen far too little of lately.

 

She allowed him to pick her up as he hugged her close and whispered, “I love you Mom.” Once he had finally set her back on her feet, she replied, “I love you too sweetie. Now, me and your father are going for a walk, and I want my kitchen spotless when I get back, alright?”

 

“Yes Ma’am!” Clark saluted, bouncing off into the kitchen before Martha could swat him for his cheek!

 

******

 

As Martha gathered a jacket, she couldn’t help but smile at the total turn of her son’s mood. But her smile faded as she stepped down off the porch. For now, she was going to have the far-from-easy task of trying to talk some sense into her stubborn as a mule husband.

 

Martha followed her feet, instinctively knowing where he would be.

Over a field, right at the edge of the property, stood her husband, axe in hand, letting out all his frustration with each hard, precise swipe as he chopped logs.

 

She could not help but smile slightly at the sight; they may have been married for the best part of twenty years, but seeing her husband like this made her feel like a teenager again. But the feeling was quickly overpowered by the need to discuss their current predicament. Crossing her arms, she stood right in his line of sight and waited.

 

“Jonathan.” He froze for a moment, axe in mid-air, and due to his current temper, she could sense he was actually debating ignoring her!

She cleared her throat authoritatively and started tapping her foot.

With a grimace, Jon lowered the axe and turned to her, his own arms crossed defensively.

 

“Can I assume at the absence of screeching tires that our guest has yet to leave?”

 

He wasn’t going to give an inch it seemed; but Martha was having none of it.

 

Glaring into her husband’s eyes, “I know this is hard for you, but you’re going to listen.”

 

Seeing the slump of his shoulders, her own anger and frustration gushed out of her. She had her arms wrapped around him and was holding tight in the blink of an eye.

 

“I love you, Jonathan, we love you and this family is going to be okay.”

 

There was no hesitation; she said it with the same surety as she had when she’d declared they were keeping Clark all those years ago. A surety she was beginning to feel around Lex Luthor and his continued presence in their lives. He was there to stay and her husband was going to have to deal with it, sooner rather than later if they were going to have any chance of providing proper support for their child.

 

“We’ve failed him, Martha,” the strong man buried his head in her shoulders and let loose a sob, “We were entrusted with the most precious being on Gods green earth and we broke him.”

 

She wanted to disagree, and a part of her did, but an equal part shared the feeling.

“Then don’t you think it’s time we stop failing him? That it’s time to be the parents he deserves and help him fix things?”

 

“I don’t know how.” It was probably the most terrifying admission Jonathan had ever made in his entire life. He was never more scared then he was right at that moment. “I don’t know how to be the father he deserves, I don’t know how to fix this, fix us. I don’t know how I could possibly expect him to trust me again.”

 

“I miss my little boy, Martha, I miss my boy.” Too choked up to continue, he just hid in the comfort of his wife’s embrace.

 

“He’s still your boy, Jonathan. He’s still our son and the little cherub who rescued us.”

 

Loosening her hold, she led him to a nearby tree and sat down beneath it, dragging him along with her.

 

“We love him. He knows that.” She stilled the automatic interruption with a finger to his lips, “He knows we love him. Sometimes it just wasn’t enough.”

 

Feeling her own grief now, she continued nevertheless. “We’ve forgotten how big a burden he bears. So many restrictions Jon,” she had to pause to take a breath lest she break down into tears herself. “We placed so many restrictions on him. It was for his safety. He still has to be careful and cautious, but he’s smart and we should have trusted that he could and would make smart choices. Instead … anyone else would have broken sooner.”

 

This wasn’t what either of them wanted to say or hear but they needed to re-evaluate how they’d been handling things. Ignoring, hiding and extreme caution may have worked when Clark was a child and his world was limited to Pete, Chloe, school and the farm - but if they wanted more for Clark than Smallville things needed to change and fast.

 

“He’s amazing, Jon. He’s so strong in ways that have nothing to do with his alien origins and he’s forgotten that. As his parents we need to remind him of it.”

 

Pausing, “Lex needs to remind him of it.”

 

Startled, “What? What does Lex Luthor have to do with this?”

He really didn’t want to know; but he was going to find out regardless.

 

“He loves our son. He is in love with our son.”

 

She would have cushioned the blow or attempted subtlety but sometimes the truth being slammed upside the head works best with her husband.

 

Martha gave him no time to splutter out his Luthor tirade. “You need to realize this. You need to accept it, and Lex, otherwise: You. Will. Lose. Your. Son.”

 

She punctuated each point with a poke at his chest. She’d shove the fact down his throat and into his head with every meal and at any spare moment they had. She’d whisper it into his ear in bed like a mantra as he’s falling asleep and just as he’s waking up for the morning. Martha Clark Kent could be relentless even beyond Luthor understanding when warranted.

 

“But for now, you just need to allow him to help Clark. Clark is completely unaware of Lex’s affections and Lex hasn’t said anything of it to him. I imagine he won’t now, maybe not ever. But he does love our son and that means he will keep him safe.”

 

As she said the words she realized exactly how much she meant them. She trusted Lex to keep Clark safe; safe from the world, safe from them, safe from Clark himself.

 

“He can help Clark. Is willing to move mountains and turn his world upside down to do so. More important, Clark is willing to accept that help. He’s comforted and assured by Lex’s presence.”

 

It hurt her to admit at how much more comforted Clark was by Lex than her or Jonathan.

 

“Lex has given Clark a cell phone. It’s so that should Clark ever need to talk, should he ever feel the need to harm himself again, he’ll have easy access to someone who will bring him back from that kind of desperation. I gave Clark permission to keep it.”

 

Martha knew there would come a time that she wouldn’t be able to help Clark, to ease his heartaches but she had thought it would be over something entirely different and external and far in the future. It was all too soon.

 

At Martha’s continued silence, Jonathan finally spoke up, “Are you done?”

 

Quirking an eyebrow, “For now”, her lips had thinned at his tone, and she waited a tad nervously for his reaction. She had been completely surprised by his restraint thus far.

 

“I don’t like any of this. I like Lex Luthor almost as little, but I like the situation Clark is in even less.”

 

Gripping her hands that had been laced in his for a fair while now, he continued; “Clark can keep the phone. I will try and limit my Luthor comments. But this doesn’t change how I feel about him, despite your faith in him.”

 

Staring across the yard and imagining Clark bustling about in their home with Luthor, Jon continued, “He’s still a Luthor, Martha. Horrible things have happened to him but he’s done equally terrible things.” Grimacing, “Clark has had awful things happen and done to him but he has never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. I don’t want Luthor changing that, I don’t want Luthor changing him.”

 

“Did you think, Jon, that maybe Clark will change Lex?” Martha whispered.

 

Glancing at her now, “If anyone could do it Clark could. But I won’t hold my breath and I’ll be watching him. I hope you’re right, Martha, God I hope you’re right about this.”

 

“I am. I’m always right about the important things.”

 

A small smile, “Yeah, I know. One of the many reasons I married you.”

 

“Smart man. Now be the strong man that I married. Go into that house and apologize to those boys, go and make peace, with both of them.”

 

He shouldn’t have been surprised at the request, but he still managed to pull back at it, he was hoping for a bit more time to adjust.

 

*****

 

As they heard the screen door open, both of them looked up. Clark was escorting Lex to his car.

 

Well no time like the present he supposed.

 

Before he had time to process it he stood in front of the boys. Clark had moved in less than a blink of an eye from walking alongside Lex to blocking him from his father.

 

Jonathan cringed. He never wanted Clark to think that he had to protect anyone from him. He never expected to be someone Clark was jittery or frightened around. But looking into his eyes that was all he saw; anxiousness tinged with fear. It was all on Lex’s behalf, but that didn’t matter to Jonathon.

 

“I’m not going to hurt him, Clark. I-” Jon trailed off, because what was he going to say? That he was okay with Lex all of a sudden? Because he wasn’t, and Clark would know it for the lie that it was.

 

So taking a fortifying breath, he turned to Lex and looked him right in the eye as he said; “I am sorry that my words and actions have hurt you today, and though I don’t like you anymore now then I did yesterday I am sorry about what you had to go through. I’m just as sorry that it doesn’t change things.”

 

“I didn’t expect it to, Mr. Kent. I wouldn’t want your opinions of me to change out of pity, if they ever do.”

 

Jon nodded in comprehension - he understood pride. “Regardless, I realize that my son trusts you. That he feels he can talk to you and comes to you when he is hurting and that you have provided the means to make yourself even more accessible.”

 

He could see even Luthor was beginning to get nervous now; well he was about to deliver the kicker so … “Thank you.”

 

They stilled, eyes blinking - and Jonathan found himself smiling. It was good to be able to startle someone who always appeared completely unflappable. But also because he found that he actually felt the gratitude he was expressing in the same surprised way Martha had looked when she told him that she trusted the younger Luthor.

 

Jonathan’s smile broadened. “I don’t trust you, but that doesn’t matter because I trust Clark and he trusts you. You’ve helped him and it looks like you will continue to do so. For that I thank you.”

 

“Dad,” then a quick whoosh and he was being held in strong arms. Jonathan hugged back as tightly as his old limbs would allow.

 

He whispered fiercely into his boy’s ear, “I love you, Clark. More than anything in this world, I love you. Everything I have done since we brought you home, everything I ever do, will be out of that love. I haven’t done things nearly as well as I should have. I’m sorry for letting you down. But I will work darn hard to earn back your trust and respect.”

 

Tear filled whispered back, “I love you, Dad. I trust you and respect you, I just didn’t want to disappoint you.”

 

Pulling his head away to look into his son’s watery eyes, he stated clearly, “There has never been a day that I’ve been disappointed in you. Scared out of my mind for you, broken up inside at not being able to fix things or provide you with the life you deserve, grief stricken at the shattered look you always wear after a meteor save. But I have never been disappointed in you. All of this, now, I was hurting and I lashed out. I was hurting that you were hurting and angry and disappointed in myself for having let things get his far, for not realizing they’d gotten this far and not having been the one to stop it.”

 

“It’s not your fault, Dad.”

 

“It’s not yours.” Pulling him into another hug, “You can keep the phone and you can keep him.”

 

With that Jonathan let Clark go and walked past Lex as he headed into the house.

 

 

 

“I think hell just froze over.”

 

“Not Hell Lex. That, was Mom-power.” Although he was still somewhat shell-shocked by his father’s little speech, Clark turned to his Mother and smiled in thanks.

 

Patting her son on the arm, she smiled back. “Don’t be cheeky Clark! Not that you’re wrong…” she turned to Lex as she continued, “You just need to learn how to control a Kent. Let them have their little brat fit, realise how stupid they are, and underline it by explaining said stupidity in detail. It’s not hard Lex. Clark may be a little more complex than my Jonathon, but I know you’ll learn. Goodnight honey.”

 

And with a peck on Lex’s cheek, she left the boys blinking after her as she followed her husband into the house.

 

*****

 

As the door closed behind her, the boys looked at each other and started to chuckle, the moment broken by their amusement. However, once they reached Lex’s car, said amusement was quick to trail off, as they realised that the closeness they had developed was about to fade with Lex’s departure.

 

Clark was trying hard to let Lex go, their hands had once again entwined together and he was certain that he could live the rest of his life just like that. In that moment where he felt so much hope for the future, with the comfort of Lex’s touch beside him and the faith of his mother’s words behind him.

 

But … “Goodnight, Clark” - yet Lex did not move away or appear to be planning to anytime soon. Instead the both stood in front of his car staring at each other from the corner of their eyes.

 

The silliness of it all must have finally registered with Lex as he sent an; ‘I can’t believe we’re doing this smirk’ his way before very slowly slipping his fingers loose.

 

“You better get back inside quick before your father changes his mind,” sliding in to the car, Lex leaned out the window, “Goodnight Clark, I’ll see you tomorrow, but remember if you need me, I am merely a phone call away.”

 

Clark nodded his understanding of the support offered and stepped back as Lex squealed out of the driveway, no longer feeling the need for approval from Mr Kent.

 

“Drive safe.”

 

Clark took a moment to look up at the now-dark sky; at the stars above him, and wonder once again which one was once his home. However, as he turned and started to make his way back into the house, he felt the weight of his new cell-phone in his jean pocket, and for a rare moment, felt thankful that he had been sent to Earth. Because if he hadn’t, he would never have met Lex.

 

*****