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Wednesday 01-03-2023
Dear Diary,
Today while sitting in my favourite coffee-house I saw some weird anthropomorphic dog, a man who seemed to flicker into gold dust sometimes, some guy in an orange hazmat suit and my school's principal Seymour Skinner. They went and sat at the table next to me, allowing me to overhear their conversations.
They started talking about something called "The Umbrella Corporation". The flickering man started talking about how he learned of this company from his wife, who had indirectly worked with the company's rival company. This Umbrella Corporation had apparently been creating illegal bio-weapons, including the one that resulted in the destruction of Raccoon City.
The Corporation went bankrupt after the resulting trials in 2003, but according to the man a small group of higher-ups and researchers had come together to continue research. Under the lead of someone called Manfred von Karma they had presumably also started doing research on cloning. He said he expected Von Karma to have cloned himself before the trial that resulted in his death penalty, and that Von Karma would probably exact revenge on the two men who had gotten him convicted. He asked the guy in the hazmat suit and principal Skinner to each keep an eye on and protect the two men, and asked the anthropomorphic dog to help him with something else, not sharing any details. They each finished their drinks and left.
I wonder if these people are just role-playing, or mentally ill, because all of this sounds very ridiculous.
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Thursday 02-03-2023
Dear Diary,
Today I was walking to my favourite coffee-shop, when I heard a loud explosion followed by gunshots. There were multiple people with guns who all looked the same. Considering you don’t often see people with the same build, look, stature and everything, I can only assume these to be those Manfred von Karma clones, which would mean those crazy men from yesterday were serious! I can't believe it.
As I was about to turn around and walk back around the corner, I saw Hatsune Miku and Rubeus Hagrid fleeing! I love those two! I wonder if they were on a date, though a date at a coffee-shop is kinda weird. I kind of wanted to ask for their autographs but decided it wasn't the best time to do that.
I also think I saw principal Skinner, but can't remember the five minutes after that. Weird...
I decided to go home and study instead.
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Friday 03-03-2023
Dear Diary,
Today after school I went to the hospital to visit my dad. The doctors say he'll probably be home by the end of next week. They say it's nothing to worry about, but they won't tell me what's wrong. Even mom doesn't tell me! I decided to try and overhear the doctors talking to my parents after I "left", but all they said was that my parents need to stop pegging. Kinda weird considering we don't have a pegboard at home, and I can't see how one would hospitalise you. Oh well.
After that disappointment, I actually left. Outside I saw a BMW Isetta (I love weird old cars) race towards the emergency department.
I don't know who the driver was, but he quickly carried an unconscious and bleeding principal Skinner inside, and left alone soon after. What the hell is going on!?
I'm sure those men will deal with it, for now it's party time!
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Saturday 04-03-2023
Dear Diary,
I feel awful. My head hurts like crazy and I can barely remember anything from yesterday’s party. I think I saw Walter White peer pressure Mickey Mouse, Jon Snow and Hermione Granger to do meth, after which Mickey got them to sniff coke. They asked me as well but were a lot less insisting when I said no. Weird.
I myself stuck with alcoholic drinks. Someone brought a bottle of Sonnema Berenburg, which was pretty good when mixed with cola or 7up. I should tell others about this.
One thing I do remember when going home was that I saw the flickering guy and dog-man walking around some building. They might've been scoping it out, but I was way too far gone to care.
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Monday 06-03-2023
Dear Diary,
Principal Skinner was back at school today, looking pale. I asked if anything was wrong, but he just said that he had had the flu over the weekend. Kinda sus if you ask me.
After school I passed that building from Saturday night again. It seemed a lot more sinister than I remembered. It's run-down, and has this abandoned look to it. There are multiple dicks graffitied on the walls as well. It also had this weird feeling emanating from it, which felt both uncomfortable and inviting. It took me a lot of effort to not enter the building.
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Thursday 09-03-2023
Dear Diary,
My fate is sealed. I am the only person that can save the world from being overrun by Von Karma clones (oh and also a deadly militarised virus), and I'll have to die for it. Let me explain what happened the last few days.
Tuesday, after school, I passed the building yet again, even though I took a different route. Now that I think about it, I had never come across that building before Saturday night, nor did I ever pass it on my way to school.
Anyway, a side door was open, and since I hadn't seen the principal at his usual lunch spot that day, I decided to have a look inside. The moment I stepped through the door I was suddenly transported to a large open hall filled with weird machinery. There were tanks with clones everywhere, all of them emanating a soft green glow. Von Karma, Mario, Buzz Lightyear, the list goes on.
I slowly made my way through the hall, and stumbled into the group from the coffee-house. They all looked horrified at the sight of me. "Am I that ugly?" was the first thought to cross my mind, but I quickly realised that it was probably because I really shouldn't have been here. Before anyone could say a word, we heard an awful old man laughing. It's Von Karma! And he had massive tits! I can still almost feel them…
Anyway, the flickering man signalled me to hide behind something, only for Von Karma to say that hiding was futile, as I would be actively hunted as well, before throwing a Glock 22 and some magazines my way. Weird really.
Von Karma walked away laughingly, after which five soldiers, all wearing black military gear and wielding MP5s, entered the hall. Every time we killed one, a new one would appear. After we noticed that, we quickly retreated through a door that had conveniently opened behind us. The room we entered had a weird field in the doorway that took away our weapons, with a speaker telling us they were ready for pickup in a box at the exit of the room.
We carefully walked towards the exit, when suddenly ninjas appeared. Now, I'm not that good at hand to hand combat, so I got my Machamp to defend me instead. These ninjas didn't come back like those soldiers in the hall, but there were a lot more of them. If I had to guess, close to 50. Good thing they always went for one-on-one fights instead of teaming up.
I probably should also tell you the names of the men I'm with, as it'll make writing easier as well. The flickering man is called Ethan Winters. He's apparently dead, but his consciousness is stuck in some weird realm. He managed to get out temporarily to fight the Umbrella Corporation.
The anthropomorphic dog is called Goofy, and was apparently good friends with Mickey. He appears to be one of the smartest and strongest of the group, unlike what his personality would have made you believe.
The man in the orange hazmat suit is Gordon Freeman, an esteemed scientist and someone who knows how to deal with irregular threats, having faced off against an alien invasion and the military at the same time. Somehow his crowbar didn't get taken away when we entered the room with the ninjas.
The men Gordon Freeman and Principal Skinner had been defending before this point are Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth. Sadly, they didn't tell me the entire story behind those two.
Back to the fight. The ninjas had nothing on us. Ethan Winters took them down with ease. Goofy just pulled back throws on most of the ninjas he's against. Principal Skinner dodged any punches towards him without much effort and threw quick punches back. Gordon Freeman just bashed their head in with his crowbar.
Once finished with the ninjas, we quickly ran to the exit before more had the chance to appear. There we indeed found our weapons in a box, along with all of the ammo refilled. How nice.
The next room we entered looked like it had exactly 5 beds in it. We tried to go back, but the door was suddenly locked. Some weird force pulled us towards the beds, and before we knew it we were asleep.
The next day we all woke up at the same time. After a quick check to make sure nothing had happened to us, we got ready to continue on. The door we came in through was still locked, but a new one had appeared next to it. This door took us into a different hallway. This hallway was incredibly dark, lit only by a few very dim lights in the distance. With weapons drawn, we slowly crossed the hallway towards the next door, expecting another fight, but nothing happened.
When we went through the door, we were in another big hall. The hall was completely empty with the exception of two Manfred von Karmas, one with and the other without huge doinkers. The one without started talking: "For you see, my esteemed guests, I did not actually die! That was one of my clones! Now die infidels!" and both started rushing towards us. More soldiers and ninjas appeared. In turn, I got my Machamp and Gabumon out to help with the fight.
The ensuing fight was incredible. Ethan and Principal Skinner alternated shooting at the enemies charging towards them, every shot they fired being a headshot without fail, to allow the other to reload. Gordon Freeman was bashing peoples’ heads in with his crowbar, when he suddenly grabbed a shotgun, shot two shells at once, switched to a crossbow, 360-noscope-headshot someone, reloaded his shotgun, switched to a rifle with an underbarrel grenade launcher, blew up some dudes, and went back to his crowbar. Goofy meanwhile was both dual-wielding two pistols and using nunchucks.
After some time, I was able to fire a shot at Von Karma, when the last of his clones jumped in front of him and took the bullet. This death made the OG Von Karma lose focus for a moment, which Goofy immediately took advantage of. He sprinted at Von Karma with a comically large machete, but Von Karma snapped back to attention and took aim at Goofy before the latter could reach him.
At the exact moment Manfred pulled the trigger, Goofy threw the machete, impaling Von Karma in his heart. The bullet, however, also hit.
Ethan sprinted over, but it was too late. Dying in a crying Winters' arms, Goofy caressed his cheek, asking him to make sure the Umbrella Corporation wouldn't come back. Winters promised it, and Goofy breathed his last breath.
In a mix of anger and sadness, Ethan shot Von Karma multiple times to make absolutely sure he was dead. He then checked on the rest of us to make sure we were okay. Skinner was bleeding but nothing bad. Gordon's suit had fulfilled its duty once more, and my Machamp and Gabumon were fine after I healed them up. But, as we were about to leave the room, we fell asleep once again.
When we woke up again, we were in a different room, with Goofy’s lifeless body nowhere to be found. Instead, we saw what Ethan presumed were the remains of something called "Queen Leech." Out of it came a whole bunch of cables, connected to plugs on the walls and ceiling.
Assuming that this is what powers the facility, we decided to destroy it. This was, however, easier said than done, as nothing we did had any effect, including explosives. According to Ethan, our last chance is for someone to "enter" it and destroy it from the inside.
And that brings us here. I am the only one mentally strong enough to not give in to it. I'm going to ask Ethan to continue writing in my diary once I'm in.
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Ethan here. It's not like you're going to ever read this, but we lied. You didn't have to sacrifice yourself. None of us wanted to do it, and we couldn't let you go and risk you accidentally telling anyone about this, and it'll allow me to take good care of this diary so it won't fall into the wrong hands. Oh, also, Skinner said you were an awful student.
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Friday 07-04-2023
Dear Diary,
I'll make them pay.