Work Text:
JANUARY 5TH 2017
“Can I have one?”
Goro looked at him puzzled. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I don’t,” Akira replied, holding out one of his hands. He wasn’t sure if he was going to like it. He liked the smell of cigarette smoke when it was far away, not quite as stinging as it was when he was close to it. It was disgusting when he was close to it. “I just want to.”
He doesn’t know why he was fine with it when Goro did it. With Goro, it felt okay. It felt normal. “Knock yourself out.” Goro handed him a cigarette and his lighter after a bit of shuffling in his coat’s pockets.
Akira watched Sojiro do this a few times. He put the cigarette between his lips and lit it up with the lighter in his other hand, freezing for a short moment of time from the cold, before he put it back in his pocket. Smoke burns the back of his throat as he takes a drag out of it, but he doesn’t cough.
He exhales the smoke before it can linger and asks: “When did you start?”
“I’m not addicted.”
“That wasn’t my question,” Akira heard Goro sigh, whether it was out of annoyance or to exhale smoke, he didn’t know. “Come on, work with me here. We’re probably the only sane people around, I don’t wanna resort to talking with my cat-turned-human.”
Goro huffed out a laugh. “Of course not,” He looked up to the grey sky. “It might snow soon.”
“Stop trying to distract me, you ass.”
“Right,” Goro closed his eyes and took another drag of his cigarette, Akira watching him closely as his own faded away between his fingers. “Like I said, I’m not addicted. There wasn’t a time where I started, only the times I felt like I needed it.”
Akira was watching Goro’s lips move as he spoke, wondering what it would be like to kiss him again. He wondered if his lips were chapped, not needing to take care of himself anymore, out of the public’s spotlight. He wondered if he tasted like cigarettes.
“Is that why you’re smoking right now?” He asks him. He finally takes another drag out of his own cigarette, inhaling the smoke.
Goro just shrugs. “You mentioned your cat earlier–I take it your friends still haven’t come to their senses?”
He was smirking, mocking him. Akira wanted to kiss it off of him. He was starting to think Goro was right in saying their friends wouldn’t come around. “I believe in them.” He lied.
“Hm,” He wasn’t sure if Goro could see through his lie or if he just thought that Akira was stupid. Akira didn’t know what he preferred. “Well, if you say so. We can’t exactly fight Maruki on our own, even if we are confident in our abilities.”
“Aw, are you trying to tell me you think I’m strong?” Akira swooned, leaning closer into Goro’s personal space.
He felt smoke being blown into his face as a response. “Not strong enough, is what I’m saying,” Goro watched Akira cough. “But that’s beside the point. We need enough manpower if we even want to stand a chance against Maruki, I’d imagine.” He threw his used cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with his foot. Akira did the same, even though he still could’ve taken a few drags.
“What a waste.” Goro mocked.
“Shut up. I never want to do that again.”
Goro threw his head back and laughed.
☆
JANUARY 9TH 2017
Akira asks for another cigarette the next time they get out of the palace, and Goro handed it to him without a question. It burns less when the smoke hits his throat, this time.
“I might just burn this whole place down if nothing works in the end,” Goro mumbled with his own cigarette between his teeth as he tried to light it. He quickly inhales and exhales the smoke when he does. “What about you? Have your friends finally done something else other than play pretend?”
No, no, they haven’t. It was January 9th, the day Akira hoped they would come around, but to no avail. Goro and he couldn’t even save Kasumi–Sumire. She was still stuck in a false reality, just like the rest of their friends.
“I’m sure they will. Give them time.”
Goro took another drag before he replied with a hum. It was like he was prolonging the conversation, giving Akira time to think for himself and come to the conclusion that it was pointless. Jokes on him–he already had to lie every time he told Goro they would return to them.
Suddenly, Akira felt something wet land on his face, falling from the sky. It was snowing, just like Goro said it would, last time.
“Wonderful,” Goro mumbled again, dread clinging to his voice. “Like it can’t get any colder.”
“Are you cold?”
“Always am,” Smoke was escaping through his lips as he spoke, but it wouldn’t matter either way. In the cold, there was always a small, misty cloud following everyone as they talked. “It doesn’t matter. The cigarette helps.”
Akira chuckled. Only Goro Akechi could say something so ridiculous. “That’s certainly one way to look at it.”
“It’s what my mother said, sometimes. I asked her if that was the reason she smoked. She didn’t just smoke during winter, though.”
“She smoked?”
Goro nodded, Akira watching him as he threw his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, again. “Is that surprising?” He asked, but Akira didn’t know if he was expecting a response, so he kept quiet and didn’t shake his head. “Oftentimes, she tried to hide it, thinking I wouldn’t notice. Perhaps it calmed her.”
“Does it calm you?”
It was now Goro’s turn to be watching him closely. Only–Akira stared back.
After a few quiet seconds, he said, “It’s certainly better than getting drunk off my ass and sending around embarrassing messages.”
Akira remembers. “I thought it was cute.” He laughs.
“Then it’s a good thing you were the only one,” Goro replied, before his eyes widened slightly and he sent Akira a scowl. “Don’t let that get to your head.”
Akira laughs again.
☆
JANUARY 14TH 2017
The next time they had a smoke break, it wasn’t even really a smoke break. They had gone to the jazz club and listened to a few songs before Akira told Goro that Morgana was at Haru’s place that evening.
All things considered, Goro took the bait with an almost hungry look in his eyes. As they left Jazz Jin, Akira wanted to push him into an alleyway and kiss him senseless, but Goro was already dragging him home.
Now, they were smoking in his attic. Sojiro would kill him if he ever found out.
Goro didn’t tell him if he would stay tonight, he didn’t tell him where he would sleep, whose clothes he would wear, nothing. He was quiet as he took drags of his cigarette and huffing out the smoke, Akira doing the same. It was his second; One, he smoked on the way here, the second one now. He never thought he’d be one of those people.
When he noticed shuffling next to him, he saw Goro stub out his cigarette against the outer sill of the attic’s open window. Akira watched him with intent, wondering if he’d take another one.
He did. “I can’t believe I need to buy a new pack because of you soon,” Goro said as he threw the empty box in the trash. Akira made a mental note of needing to clean that out before anyone saw. “Usually, I last for several months with only one.”
“Couldn’t have expected me to start, I guess.”
“Oh, so there’s a start to it, now? I thought you were stronger than that.”
It was still snowing outside. You’d think Maruki would grant someone’s wish of it being always sunny. “At least until we’re out of here, I can afford to be weak sometimes. The palace takes enough out of us as it is.”
“Can’t argue with that,” Goro replied. “Come here for a second. Put your cigarette in your mouth.”
Akira did as he was told, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t confused at the strange request. He leaned closer to Goro, burning cigarette between his lips and trying not to inhale too much. Goro quickly acted, putting his new cigarette between his lips as well, holding it in place before he puts the tip of it against Akira’s lit cigarette.
Oh. Oh.
As quickly as it happened it was also over. Goro leaned back, looking outside the window and at the falling snow as he exhaled smoke. Akira had to cough himself out of his slight stupor before his throat burned completely.
So, that just happened. Akira doesn’t know what exactly prompted Goro to do that, but it sure as hell wasn’t hatred like he wants him to believe.
Come to think of it, a lot of the things Goro does and has done don’t really speak in his favour. “Remember when we had our first kiss here?”
Goro looked at him with an expression he can’t quite read. “Yes. I never kissed you again after that.”
“Why?”
He didn’t answer, only inhaling more smoke that was soon escaping his lips. Akira could see Goro tremble slightly, just like the first time they kissed–only then, he could feel it as well. He knew that Goro was prone to trembling, or full-on shaking whenever he wasn’t used to something. His hands shook when Akira asked him to take his gloves off, and every time he held them.
After they kissed that one fateful day in September, they never did it again. Goro didn’t talk about it, so Akira never brought it up.
Until now.
There was a silence between them that one of them had to break, or they’d sit around not talking to each other until it was morning. Goro was being a coward, but Akira couldn’t blame him. He decided to be the one. “I kissed you first, that time,” He started. None of them looked at one another. “Next time, it’s your turn.”
“…I’ll keep that in mind.”
☆
JANUARY 21ST 2017
He did. He did keep that in mind.
Goro was a person that was difficult to understand. He was an enigma who was both predictable and unpredictable, someone who saw himself above anyone, but never hesitated to make himself so small he was almost invisible. He was strange and violent and lonely, and his hands were always so cold, even with the gloves, and Akira thought he was the most lovable person he has ever come across.
Which brought him back to his current predicament. They were in his attic again, on Akira’s bed again, but instead of a cigarette, he was holding Goro.
He doesn’t know how he got here anymore, but he wasn’t about to start complaining.
Goro’s face and lips were so close to his own he could feel him breathing. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this warm and pleasantly dizzy in his life. He didn’t even know there was a way to feel pleasantly dizzy, but he imagines this is what it’s like to be tipsy.
It made sense. He could see himself getting drunk off of Goro kissing him, if that’s what he was planning to do with all this.
“You smell like cigarettes.”
Goro giggled and Akira immediately wanted to hear it again. “Only me?”
“I dunno. I might taste like them, though.”
Goro just hummed before his lips were pressed against Akira’s.
Their eyes fluttered shut, and Akira accepted the kiss with a sigh, slightly pressing back against Goro’s lips. In hindsight, he was right in wondering if the other’s lips were chapped now, but he didn’t mind it one bit.
He can’t see himself wanting Goro as much as he does if he was perfect. Akira couldn’t see himself kissing him before he messed up Goro’s hair that one time, and even then, they only kissed after the bathhouse.
Akira likes Goro especially with his rough edges. His imperfections are the things that make him perfect, as contradicting as that sounds.
Their kiss was so achingly gentle it made Akira feel feverish. He had to pull back a few times only to have Goro smile at him and giggle and dive back in. It almost seemed like Goro was the one who’s drunk, even though he knew that couldn’t be possible.
He felt Goro’s hand slip behind his neck and cradle his head, his kisses turning forceful in a way that made Akira’s head swim.
Akira made a small noise at the back of his throat and felt Goro smile against his lips.
After what could probably be considered making out, Goro buried his face in his neck and took a deep breath. Even with him seeming oh so confident, pulling Akira into constant kisses like that, his breathing was shaky. Akira held him tighter as he trembled.
Their last time spent together must’ve made Goro think. Because when the awkward silence began to settle in the room, he broke it just as quickly.
“You were right. You did taste like cigarettes.”
“Do you mind?”
“No,” Goro shook his head against Akira’s neck. “I can’t imagine myself tasting any different.”
Akira smiled and giggled. “Don’t worry about that,” He put his leg above Goro’s, just to be closer to him. “I didn’t think you’d kiss me again so soon, after I told you to.”
“Would you have preferred I waited another four months?”
“Please don’t.”
Goro sighed against him. “I just wanted to,” He said. “So, I did.”
☆
FEBRUARY 2ND 2017
Akira never felt dread and anger cling to him as quick as it did tonight.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have put you in the spotlight like this,” Maruki said. “I’ll be going now. If you’re not at the palace tomorrow, I’ll take it as you accepting my reality.”
Maruki was moving towards the door, pushing past Goro, who didn’t seem to be moving aside out of spite. “You forgot something.”
The man looked back as Akira spoke and took the calling card when he pulled it out of his pocket and threw it on the table. “I’ve heard your calling. I will see you tomorrow. Until then, Kurusu-kun.” Maruki said, and left.
It was quiet in Leblanc.
Goro was the first one to speak up. “I’d like to speak with Akira. Alone.” He told Morgana, who was now back to being a regular cat, and he thought the world was finally normal again, and he hasn’t smoked a single cigarette ever since his friends came back to themselves, but now nothing made sense anymore.
His fingers were itching and his lips were tingling. He wanted to just say fuck it and ask Goro for a cigarette, but didn’t.
“Akechi..” He heard Morgana say, very far away. It almost sounded like he was underwater. “Alright. I’ll stay with Futaba tonight, okay, Akira?”
Akira nodded as if his body was moving on its own. He didn’t look at any of them.
He heard the bell on Leblanc’s door as it opened and closed. They were alone now, and neither of them were saying anything.
Akira felt his mind wander. So, Goro knew, then? He said he had a hunch, mumbling something about lacking conclusive evidence, like that means anything to him. To him, Goro Akechi was someone who could even come back from the dead if he only set his mind to it. Akira thought this was the case, and chuckled to himself every time he thought about it.
Goro defying fate even while dead. Imagine that.
Now he knew that wasn’t true. He might as well have kissed a dead man walking. And Goro kissed him even while knowing, knowing he wouldn’t be able to anymore after February 3rd.
Could it all have been some cruel joke? He knew Goro took their rivalry seriously–he did, too–but did it have to go as far as making sure Akira would never be able to kiss anyone else, simply because he knew no one could ever compare to Goro? Couldn’t he have just let Akira talk, knowing he was dead in the real world, and left it there?
Goro kissing him just felt like another attempt at killing him. Maybe that was his goal.
“Was it real?”
“…What?”
Akira continued to stare at the table. “You kissing me. Everything.”
He felt Goro’s eyes on him. He wanted him to stop and continue twice as much. “Akira,” He started, his voice cutting through the silence. “Don’t tell me you’re thinking about taking the offer.”
Hah, imagine that! His head snapped back up to look at Goro, his laughs devoid of any humour. “I don’t know anymore! Because, well, I don’t know if you heard, but the guy who I am utterly in love with was pronounced dead a month ago, and he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me!”
“What good would that have done? Make you rethink your choice even more?!” Goro yelled back, before sighing. “God, you cannot be serious. I tried to kill you.”
The nerve of that–
“And then you fucking kissed me, so frankly, I don’t know what to think anymore!”
Goro was quiet after that.
Akira was grateful for that. He thinks he might’ve started ripping out his own hair if they had continued yelling at eachother. He needs to think. His fingers are itching. “I’ll take the offer if you don’t give me a cigarette right now.”
“You cannot be serious.” Goro says, again.
“Just give me one.”
Goro sighed. “I don’t have any on me.”
“Do you want me to reject the offer or not?”
“Oh my god. Let’s just go,” Goro sighed in frustration, again, grabbing Akira by his wrist and shoving him outside the door.
He felt cold wind and snow hitting his face, missing his scarf and coat immediately. Goro noticed this, and shuffled to take off his own scarf, wrapping it around Akira’s neck. Like a good boyfriend. Or whatever they were.
God, he was going to miss him so much.
He knew that, in the end, he never could’ve taken the offer. Everything sucked in the real world, but at least it was real, and it hurting made it mean something, at least. Probably.
Akira would be considered a hypocrite if he preferred the fake over the real thing anyway.
Plus, Goro would be unhappy. Akira watches him as he gets a new pack from the old cigarette machine that was near Leblanc. As frustrated as he looked, he wasn’t unhappy. Not yet.
If Akira took the offer and accepted Maruki’s reality, Goro would become unhappy, and he would hate him.
Akira can’t let that happen.
“Here,” Oh, Goro was handing him a cigarette and lighter. “Now will you please–”
“We’re fighting Maruki.”
“Oh, thank god.”
☆
MARCH 20TH 2017
“…Sorry in advance about the smell.”
Akira saw Goro put a cigarette between his lips he so desperately wanted to kiss again. It was lit up in no time. He winced. “This… is bad for you, you know.”
“Oh, like you’re one to talk,” Ah, well, he’s got me there. “Might I remind you that you almost put everyone in a fake reality if I hadn’t bought you a new pack of cigarettes?”
Goro said it like he was joking, no real heat behind the words. Still, that wasn’t one of Akira’s proudest moments. “…I wasn’t doing well that night. I did stop, though. Sojiro found out and gave me this big speech.”
“You’re practically his son at this point, I can understand why,” Akira smiled at Goro’s words. “Still, it’s a good thing you stopped when you did. I don’t know why you joined me in the first place.”
Goro sat down on one of the benches that were near them. They should be going home, or at least Akira should, but someone he loves suddenly just came back from the dead again and he couldn’t be bothered to get back on the train.
“We were the only sane people in the world for almost and entire month. What you did–it were the only things making sense to me, including the smoking.”
“…I see.”
Akira hummed.
They sat in silence for a bit. Morgana was nowhere to be found, probably running back to Leblanc to tell everyone who showed up. He didn’t want to go back to his hometown.
Goro told him where he was. A rehab centre, a place he and his mom stayed at sometimes. He had gotten help and was continuing to do so. He came to see Akira all on his own and he didn’t care how late it was. He came back.
And Akira wasn’t about to leave him again.
“...Do you want me to quit?”
A beat, and then: “I guess it would make me happy, if you did.”
Goro looked at the ground. He takes his cigarette and lets it fall on the ground, stepping on it. “…It can be one of the things I’ll talk about in therapy.”
Akira smiled.