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These days, Marcus barely sleeps. Falling asleep used to be easy; work, exercise, shower, maybe a drink, lie down, drift off. Routine, easy. These days things are far from that. Sleep is a luxury, rest elusive. Between all his responsibilities, there isn’t much time to relax and when he finally manages to sleep, his dreams are filled with nightmares, and he wakes up even more tired that he was before.
Faces of all those who died because of him haunt him as soon he closes his eyes. All those sentenced to death; contorted faces of those he floated. Culling victims along with those who died on Earth. Images of tragedies that happened both, in space and on the ground. Sceneries mixing together, indistinguishable from each other, surreal, merging into one big, black hole wanting to swallow him whole. Whispers calling for him to atone for his sins.
As terrifying and exhausting as his nightmares are, he can deal with them. He accepted his guilt long ago and he knows they’re his punishment. But with time, Abby’s face started showing up amongst others, forming new nightmares; horrible ones that he can’t handle. He keeps seeing her and his heart breaks over and over again. The look on her face when Jake, her husband is being floated when he, Marcus, gives the order sending him to his death. Abby’s face of desperation when Clarke is being arrested, her determination and pain when she is being shock lashed on his orders. Her screams piercing his ears. Mount Weather nightmares are the newest, most recent ones. He keeps seeing her strapped to that awful table, hears her cries as a drill is being pushed into her leg…
Now, Abby is a constant in his nightmares, and he can’t do anything about it. He can’t take her pain away, neither in his dreams nor in the reality and that only makes it so much worse.
The only time Marcus is able to sleep is when he crashes, too exhausted to fight his sleep anymore. His body and mind weakened. That’s when he sleeps through the night and then wakes up tired anyway. That’s the only time he doesn’t remember his nightmares but he knows he had them because his pillow is wet with tears and his clothes drenched in sweat despite cold temperatures. Sometimes, it’s better that he doesn’t remember his dreams and he is grateful for the dubious respite.
His nightmares are his punishment and his cross to bear so he suffers in silence. He cannot afford to be vulnerable, to be seen as weak. Too many people depend on him and there’s too much at stake. A weak peace that needs to be upheld so they can create a better life for their people. That’s what keeps him going, allows him to carry on with his day.
The night was bright, full moon high on the cloudless sky covering everything in a white glow. Arkadia was quiet, most people sound asleep, only a few guards scattered around. Marcus made his way from the other end of the camp to the entrance, his body slumped, tired, his step lacked his usual energy. It’d been forty hours since he last slept; new intel required his attention, one of the guards went down with food poisoning and Marcus stepped in, allowing the young man to go get some rest for the remainder of his shift. It was something to do, another a way to avoid his nightmares. But lack of sleep dulled his senses, weakened him, made him feel delirious despite not having a drop of moonshine. Sleep deprivation effects emerging one by one, making him prone to accidents. And it didn’t take him long have one. A silly one really. He tripped over a stone, lost his balance in an attempt to steady himself, he grabbed a worktable, slicing his palm open on a sharp piece of metal. He cursed under his breath, grabbed a piece of fairly clean cloth and clenched it in his fist, inhaling sharply because of the pain the action caused. Despite the full moon, it was too dark to assess the damage so he held the cloth hoping that it would stop the bleeding and stitches wouldn’t be necessary.
It was already way past one in the morning and the intel he received earlier in the day still fresh on his mind. Marcus wanted to share it with Abby and he knew she was likely still awake so he made his way towards the medical. Jackson spotted him instantly.
“Abby’s not here,” he said without even looking in Marcus’ direction.
“Oh, do you know where she is?”
“She’s off for the night but said she needed to go over some reports.”
“Thank you,” said Marcus and left the room.
He walked towards the Chancellor’s room but as luck would have it, it was dark and quiet. Empty. She wasn’t there. She’s probably asleep, he thought to himself. He knew she’d been working all day. He remembered seeing medical full of people waiting to be treated earlier. The information he had was important but not important enough to wake her up. Sleep was precious and he wouldn’t take it away from those who could enjoy it.
Marcus hanged his head and slumped his shoulders in resignation. There was nothing for him to do, no more excuses to avoid sleep. With eyes focused on the floor, he slowly made his way towards his room, dreading the inevitable.
His room wasn’t far and as he turned the corner, he came face to face with Abby next to his door.
“Abby!”
“Marcus,” she greeted him back, concern visible on her face.
“I was looking for you just now, we searched the cave—”
“What happened to your hand?” she interrupted him.
“Oh, this? It’s nothing” he said trying to hide his hand behind him but she was faster and gently grabbed his wrist, lifting it so she could inspect it.
“It’s not nothing. It’s still bleeding,” her voice gentle.
Marcus focused his eyes on his palm, looking at it for the first time under proper light. The cloth he was clutching was red with his blood. Clearly, it didn’t stop bleeding as he had hoped it would.
“It's fine, I just cut myself on some metal. It’s but a scratch,” he replied not wanting to make a fuss about a silly cut. He tried to remove his hand from her grip but she held him gently but firmly, her small fingers wrapped around his wrist.
“Let’s go to the medical and I’ll quickly clean it up. It won’t take long.”
“I’d really rather not,” he said exhausted. “It’s nothing, it’ll be fine by tomorrow.”
Abby wasn’t buying it, no matter how much he tried to downplay his injury, she wasn’t one he could fool.
“Well, at least let me have a look to make sure you don’t need stitched. May I?”
Resigned, he nodded and relaxed his grip on the cloth, allowing her to peel it off and inspect it. She furrowed her brow and squinted her eyes.
“See, I told you it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing but at least, it doesn’t look like you need stitches. I still need to clean it though and bandage it to avoid infection.”
“I’ll wash it and it’ll be fine,” he offered much to her frustration.
“Here’s the thing, Marcus. I’d much rather clean it now than have to treat you when you have a serious infection. Do you want to use antibiotics when it can be prevented?” Abby knew it was a winning argument and she watched him hang his head, giving up.
She could tell how tired he was and she didn’t really want to drag him to the medical when it wasn’t necessary. Without a word, she turned to his door, entered his pin on the keypad next to it and opened the door. During the time they spent on the ground, they got to know each other’s pass codes, they trusted each other to only use it when needed and this felt like the right time.
Abby pushed his door open and pointed to his bed.
“Wait for me here, I’ll be right back with some antiseptic and bandages.”
Marcus exhaled slowly in relief and without a word, he went inside and sat down on his bed, too tired to argue any further.
Abby was back within minutes and found Marcus’ door slightly ajar. She knocked to announce her arrival but didn’t get an answer. She gently pushed it open, peering in slightly, not wanting to intrude. The room was just as she remembered it, silvery walls, a metal table and a chair, a threadbare armchair with a rug underneath, a metal wardrobe and a bed with some blankets. It didn’t have much in case of personalisation. It was clear he didn’t spend much time in it. She spotted him half lying on his bed. His top half at an uncomfortable angle, his legs still hanging off the side of the bed as if he was sitting. He was sound asleep.
She knew he was exhausted. She’d seen bags under his eyes get bigger and bigger for some time now. She’d tried to get him to rest but he was stubborn, just as stubborn as she was. Abby considered leaving him, allowing him to rest and coming back in the morning to clean his wound. But as tempting as that was, she knew better. It had to be cleaned right away to prevent infection, those tables outside were filthy, who knows what was there.
She entered the room without making much noise and gently closed the door behind her. She felt like an intruder, like she was doing something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. Sure, she’d been there before, but this felt far more intimate than them working together. Abby’s eyes landed on his face. It was relaxed, his hair messy, short dark beard adorning his chin. He was a beautiful man and she had to remind herself why she was there. It would be embarrassing to have him wake up and catch her staring. She shook her head and approach him slowly not wanting to startle him. She gently touched his arm.
“Marcus,” she whispered his name.
He stirred; eyes still closed but he was waking up.
“I need to clean your wound—”
“Go ahead,” he murmured without opening his eyes.
She knelt on the floor by his bed for easy access and lifted his hand, gently peeling off the blood-soaked cloth.
“It may sting a bit,” she warned him. “It looks like the bleeding has stopped. That’s good.”
Marcus’ eyes remained closed. She took a wet gauze and gently dabbed around the wound, cleaning it from the dry blood. She watched his face carefully for any signs of pain.
She took a new one, soaked it with antiseptic to clean the wound and was about to touch his wound.
“It’s going to sting now,” she warned and touched the cut.
“Ouch,” he grimaced, slightly opening his eyes.
“I’ll be quick, it’s almost done. Go back to sleep,” she said working her way around his wound.
By the time his hand was bandaged up, he was fast asleep again. Abby got off her knees, ready to gather her supplies off the floor when she noticed his position again. Muddy boots still on. She knew that his back would be killing him in the morning. She stood there, watching his chest rise and fall with each breath, debating with herself whether she should remove his shoes and put his legs up so he could rest comfortably. She didn’t want to wake him and touching him like that was far to intimate for comfort. But she also didn’t want him to be in pain, especially when he would be on his feet all day. She straightened her back, took a deep breath to calm herself down and did the only logical thing she could think of; she put on her doctor’s hat and dealt with it like she would with any other patient. At least that’s what she told herself. That was the only way she could handle touching Marcus Kane without melting away. Her feelings for him still fresh, blossoming, unexplored. She wasn’t entirely sure of their meaning, but she was certain that he was more than just a friend to her.
Abby tried to focus, pretend it’s anyone but him laying on that bed. But it was futile. She was acutely aware of who was in front of her. Trying not to think, she quickly unlaced and removed his boots, lifted his legs and positioned them on the bed in a far more comfortable position for his back. He stirred and adjusted his body, and she paused, panicking, feeling like a child caught doing something naughty. Even though she had completely innocent reasons for doing this, she still felt that way. She stood completely still for a moment but he didn’t wake up so she grabbed a thick blanket from the chair and covered him with it.
The warmth must have been comforting because he snuggled to it and snored lightly. A warm smile crept on Abby’s face when she admired his relaxed features. It wasn’t often when he let his guard down so she took a moment to watch him. His skin soft, hair longer than ever, dark beard on his cheeks. Her fingers tingled at the thought of running them through his new beard.
Abby jumped when a loud noise came from outside the room. Her heart beating faster. It was only someone walking past but she realised she’d been staring for far too long. A feeling of guilt washed over her. She shook her head and started gathering her supplies, packing them away in her bag on the table, ready to leave. That’s when she heard muffled noise coming from the bed. She turned around looking for the source of the sound.
Marcus was on the bed, still in the same spot but his expression no longer calm. His face contorted as he was in pain, his forehead wrinkled. His body beginning to toss. She realised that he was having a nightmare. A bad one it seemed.
Her chest tightened. She knew he wouldn’t want anyone to know about this, but she couldn’t just leave him and let him suffer. Abby walked over to him quietly, trying to avoid startling him. Her eyes fixed on his face. It was clear to her that whatever he was dreaming of must had been terrible. She reached out with her hand and placed it on his arm, shaking him gently.
“Marcus! Hey, wake up, it’s just a dream.”
“Abby! No! No, don’t take her, there’s no need!” he cried in his sleep.
Her eyes widened, her heart thumping in her chest. She realised that she was a part of his nightmare. Mount Weather she presumed. Her stomach sunk; shiver run up her back. She hated seeing him like this, despised that he still had nightmares about this. She had them too, of course but she hated seeing him suffer through them as well.
Her towering over his bed was bound to scare him so she knelt next to it again, lowering herself to his level. She put her hand on his arm and shook him. This time stronger, determined to wake him from his suffering.
“Marcus, wake up, it’s just a dream!” she repeated her previous words.
This time, his eyes shot open, blinking furiously, trying to adjust to his surroundings, to make sense of what’s going on. He recognised her and without thinking, still half asleep, he sat up and enveloped her in a hug. His warm arms surrounding her, his breaths hot and fast on her neck, his palms on her back, clutching her to him, gathering the fabric of her blouse, holding her close. Abby was stunned, too surprised to react. His warmth and closeness rendered her speechless. She melted in his arms, drinking up his presence so near to her. She brought her own hand up to his back and gently caressed him in order to comfort him. Words were nowhere to be found.
It took a few minutes before Marcus’ ragged breaths started to calm down, hot on her skin. His arms still around her, warm and inviting. She could spend eternity enveloped in them. But not like that. Not when he was so vulnerable, suffering. She didn’t want to take advantage of his position and state of mind. It wasn’t okay, but she also didn’t want to do anything that would make him feel ashamed. So she waited patiently by his bed, allowing him to cling to her and gently caressing his back in soothing motion, her own legs numb from the position.
“Your hand is all clean now. The dressing will have to be changed tomorrow. You should go back to sleep now, get some rest,” she said after a while.
But he didn’t let her go.
“Stay with me, please,” he whispered, his voice barely audible, muffled by her hair.
Abby wasn’t convinced it was the right thing to do. Marcus was still half asleep, in a very vulnerable state of mind and he would be embarrassed in the morning, regretting that he asked her. It would be awkward. Being this close would only complicate things, her feelings. She wasn’t ready for that, and she was sure he didn’t feel the same way.
“Please,” he repeated when she didn’t answer, his voice almost begging.
Her heart melted, there was no way she could refuse him.
“Turn around,” she simply said.
With no questions asked, he did as he was told. Moved to his side, facing the wall. Abby sat down on the bed, took her own shoes off and turned around to look at his back. Her own heart racing. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and lay down flat on her back. Another deep breath and she turned to her side, facing his back. She held her breath as she sneaked her hand under his arm and placed it on his chest, his muscled hard under her fingertips. He inhaled loudly when her hand made contact with his body but he didn’t say anything. She scooted closer and placed her head near his shoulder blades, smelling his scent and she spooned him from behind. Her small frame barely able to wrap her arms around him but she did her best to bring him comfort and it must have worked because his whole body relaxed and leaned back towards her.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Anytime.”
Her own eyes heavy. The warmth of his body had an intoxicating effect on her. She could feel him falling asleep. She intended on getting up and leaving as soon he was sound asleep but heat emanating from his body and his even breaths lulled her to sleep.
It wasn’t long before she was awakened again. Marcus muttered and stirred in his sleep. Yet another nightmare. It took her a moment to adjust to her surrounding, confused as to where she was. His warm body next to her quickly brought back the memories from mere hours ago. They were still in the same position they fell asleep in but Marcus started to shift more, fidget as his nightmare played in his mind. Abby lifted her head, just enough so that her mouth was next to his ear and whispered for the third time that night.
“Marcus, wake up, it’s only a dream.”
His eyes shot open, this time her words woke him up immediately.
“Abby?” he asked confused at first but the realisation quickly dawned on him
He withdrew from her arms, leaving her empty and confused. Worried that she overstayed her welcome and wondering if she should had left as soon as he fell asleep, feeling guilty that she gave in to her own tiredness. But before she composed herself and apologised, he turned around to face her and his strong arms enveloped her in a bear hug, crushing her to his strong chest. Blood rushed through her veins. His fast heartbeat like thunder in her ears. She was powerless, her mind completely blank and she just allowed him to react as he needed to, giving up any sort of control she thought she had.
Marcus held her close and planted a small kiss in her hair, his breath hot when he whispered, “I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize,” her voice muffled by his chest.
“There is. There’s so much I need to apologize for.”
“No. There isn’t. It’s just a nightmare,” she had a suspicion that it wasn’t the only think he was apologizing for but it wasn’t the time for that.
“I do! I’ve done terrible things. Awful things to you and you’re here, comforting me—” his voice trailed off, leaving things unsaid although Abby knew what he meant.
“It’s in the past—” she started but he clearly wasn’t finished.
“I am so sorry that I didn’t stop Cage. I failed you when I was meant to protect you,” he interrupted her.
His arms tight around her, his mouth still buried in her hair. Her body warm and limp, drinking in the closeness. She dreamt of being in his arms, in better circumstances. But she mustered all her strength and forced herself to removed herself from his embrace, only a little bit. She moved back enough to look at him. His arms refused to let her go any further. She lifted her gaze and looked straight in his eyes, waiting for him to meet her gaze before she spoke.
“Listen to me very carefully,” he nodded, eyes fixed on her face. Moonlight gave them enough light so they could see each other. “Mount Weather was not your fault. You couldn’t have protected me. No one could. You are not the one who drilled into my leg. You are not at fault, and I don’t blame you for any of that,” her tone serious as she looked him straight in his eyes, hoping that he’d understand that she really meant it. Needing him to understand what she was saying.
Marcus saw determination in her eyes, fire burning. He knew she believed it but he wasn’t so sure himself.
“I should’ve—”
“No! There’s nothing you should’ve done. You were injured and trapped like we all were. There was nothing any of us could have done. This was not your fault,” her voice firm but gentle, eyes fixed on his, holding his gaze. But he closed his and sighed.
“But it doesn’t stop the nightmares.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But they’ll fade with time. It will get better.”
“Promise?” his eyes opened and a small smile formed on his lips.
“Yeah, I promise.”
He took a deep breath gathering courage to speak.
“Would you mind if I hold you tonight?” he asked despite holding her already.
“Will that make you feel better?” Truth be told, she was comfortable in his arms, it made her feel safe and warm and so many other things. And she hated the idea of leaving his arms and having to go back to her own, empty and cold bed.
“Yes,” he answered sheepishly, unable to meet her gaze. It was the most vulnerable she’d ever seen him.
“Then I don’t mind,” she said and scooted closer to him, finding her previous position next to his chest.
Marcus sighed in relief.
“Thank you,” he whispered and dared to kiss her head again. His body relaxing, his arms gathered her closer to him.
“Anytime,” she replied, breathing in his intoxicating scent, so uniquely his that she came to know over the past few months. He rest his chin on the top of her head. Abby was completely cocooned by his body, surrounded by his arms and chest, feeling safe and comforted, more than she felt in a long time, if ever. She found herself wishing that the closeness would make her own nightmares disappear, hoped that him holding her would stave off her own demons. She’d hate to put that burden on him, he carried enough of his own.
Both drifted off to sleep, holding each other in need of comfort in the trying times. Neither of them woke up again that night and in the morning, they pretended that nothing had happened. Their vulnerabilities stayed in his room. Only darkness witness to them. There was no need to talk about that during the day. Silent understanding was enough and their relationship was still not ready to be taken any further. But despite that, every now and again, one of them would knock on another’s door in need of comfort from their nightmares. No questions would be asked, they’d hold and comfort each other, building trust and intimacy, important foundation for their future together. Because there will be a future for them, they just had to be patient.
The End