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Jordan opened his eyes and looked over at the left side of the bed. It was empty.
Normally, it would take a lot to wake up Jordan from sleep, but when his boyfriend was missing from bed at - Jordan looked over at the alarm clock- 3:30 in the morning, he was wide awake.
Swinging his legs over the bed, he opened the bedroom door and padded out into the hallway. He saw a light shining from the underneath the bathroom door and felt slightly relieved. But Jordan still wanted to make sure he was OK. He couldn't help it. He was kind of an overprotective boyfriend.
Knocking on the door, he whispered "Sid?"
No answer.
"Sidney?" Jordan asked again, a little louder.
No answer. Now he panicked a bit.
Jordan jiggled the handle and was surprised to find it open. Pushing it open, the sight in front of him scared, shocked, and confused him.
Sidney was on the floor, leaning up against the bathtub, clutching something in his hands, crying. He looked up at Jordan standing in the doorway and then quickly looked away.
Still confused, Jordan walked over in front of Sid, squatted in front of him, and took whatever it was that was in his hands easily, since Sid didn't put up much of a struggle. It was a prescription pill bottle. Jordan read the label, and his eyes widened.
Anti-depressants.
Immediately, the worst possible thought came into his head.
"Sidney", Jordan said, surprised to find his voice sounding like he was addressing the team going into a third period down 3-2 instead of shaky and paranoid. "Did you take more of these than needed?"
Sidney shook his head, still not looking at Jordan.
"Are you sure?" Jordan asked again. It's not that he didn't trust Sidney. He just needed to double check.
"I swear" Sidney answered, his voice barely hitting a whisper.
Jordan let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.
"OK. Good".
Realizing his legs were suddenly hurting him, and that he was in no physical position to comfort his crying boyfriend, Jordan moved so that he was sitting beside Sidney and wrapped an arm around him. Almost immediately Sidney turned his face into Jordan's armpit and began crying fresh new tears. Jordan hugged Sidney closer to him, resting his cheek on top of his head.
They had been dating 8 months, known each other longer than that, and Sidney had never once mentioned the use of anti-depressants or depression of any sort to Jordan before. He didn't know what to say, but he knew that nothing could help at this moment. Maybe Sid just needed to cry this out. He could talk to him when he felt ready.
They sat there for a while, with Sidney crying into Jordan and Jordan holding Sidney, occasionally kissing the top of Sid's hair and stroking it.
Sid finally calmed down, lifting his head up so he could wipe at his now red eyes.
"Why don't we go back to bed?" Jordan asked as he handed Sid some toilet paper.
Sidney nodded as he blew his nose and wiped away the traces of tears on his face. Jordan stood up and held out his hand, letting Sid pull himself up to his feet.
They were silent on their way back to the bedroom, walking beside each other. Once there, Sidney got into bed as Jordan took his shirt off and threw it on to the floor.
"It's kind of wet" Jordan said with a slight smile when he noticed Sid looking at him. Sid smiled back a little smile as he lay down and turned to his side. Jordan got in behind him and immediately wrapped an arm around Sid's waist, pulling him towards him so his back was up against his chest. As Jordan kissed his neck, Sid snuggled in and fell asleep almost instantly.
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Sidney awoke the next morning in a completely empty bed. He wasn't shocked.
He didn't want Jordan to find him like that last night. He had never wanted Jordan to see him like that. He figured it would be too much for him to deal with and he'd wind up leaving him, like this. Sidney had to admit, it stung that he left in the middle of the night without saying anything.
Realizing he needed coffee, Sidney made his way down to the kitchen. Just as he reached the coffee maker, he heard the front door open. A couple of seconds later Jordan, wearing sweatpants, a tshirt, a beanie and a jacket, walked in holding a plastic bag with takeout containers, a cardboard drink tray with two Starbucks cups, and a paper bag. He smiled when he saw Sid.
"Hey, you're up! I was going to make breakfast, but there was nothing in the fridge", he said as he put everything on the island. He then proceeded to take his jacket off, tossing it on the back of a chair. "So I just figured I'd pick up some breakfast from that diner you like so much".
Sidney looked at him with a hint of suspicion. He was acting a bit too normal, considering what he saw last night.
"And when I went to go get our lattes, I passed by this place that was selling these incredible muffins", Jordan continued as he handed Sidney a cup. "I had already ordered the breakfast, but I had to get these too. They looked way too good".
"Jordan", Sidney said. "Can we talk? About...last night?"
Jordan stiffened slightly and sat down on a stool at the island across from Sidney.
"I don't want to force you to", Jordan answered. "I only want to talk to you if you're ready to talk to me".
Sidney took a sip of his latte. "I am", he answered. "And you can ask me anything you want".
Jordan let out a breath. "How long have you been on the pills?" he asked. Might as well jump right into it, he thought.
"For about a year and a half now", Sidney answered. "But I've been depressed way longer than that".
Jordan reached into the paper bag and pulled out a blueberry muffin.
"How much longer?" he asked as he broke off a piece of the muffin and popped it into his mouth.
"Maybe since I was 16?" Sidney answered. Jordan choked a bit on his muffin.
"16? And you just got help?" he asked. "Why?"
Sidney looked down at the marble. Jordan instantly felt terrible for saying it the way he did. He immediately reached across and took Sid's hand in his. He was relieved when Sid didn't pull away.
"I didn't think that this could happen to me", he answered. He took a deep breath and continued. "I mean, I was playing hockey and was more than likely going to be going into the NHL. It was all my dreams coming true, and yet I wasn't happy. I thought no one would get it, so I just tried to fight it".
"So what finally made you get help?" Jordan asked. As weird as it sounded, he was enjoying this conversation.
"A couple of months after the concussion, Mario and Natalie noticed something different and made tell a doctor. He sent me to a therapist and she was the one who diagnosed me" Sidney answered.
"Who else knows?" Jordan asked.
"Mario and Natalie, of course", Sid said. "My mom and dad. And now you".
"I'm honoured" Jordan said dryly as he ate another piece of the muffin. Sid smiled and Jordan smiled back as he chewed. "What happened last night...does that happen a lot?"
"I get those feelings sometimes. It's not as bad anymore, but it happens. Normally, I can control it, but there are days when I need to let it out" Sid answered.
"You...you never tried to...to..." Jordan couldn't even get the words out. He didn't want to think it. Luckily, Sid knew what he was trying to say.
"I thought of it, for sure", Sid answered. He looked up at Jordan, who's blue eyes suddenly seemed to fill with tears. "But I never tried to act on it".
"That's good", Jordan answered. "I don't really want to imagine you not here".
"Listen", Sidney said. "If you can't handle this, I completely understand if you want to...end this".
Jordan looked up at him, his face filled with confusion.
"Did you not hear what I just said?" Jordan asked. "When I say 'I don't want to imagine you not here', I mean I don't want to imagine you not with me".
"But this is-"
"It doesn't matter", Jordan said interrupting Sid. "And what makes you think I can't handle this?"
Sidney thought for a second as he took another sip of his latte. He had a point.
"I'm sorry for assuming that", Sid answered. "You're right".
"Look", Jordan said as he stood up and moved in front of Sidney. "I love you. I love every part of you and I want to be there for you. Let me be there for you".
Sidney looked at Jordan and smiled.
"I want you there for me" he answered.
Jordan smiled back and leaned down, kissing Sidney's lips as his arms wrapped around his waist. Sidney's arms wrapped around his neck as he deepened the kiss, tasting a hint of blueberry from the muffin.
Jordan broke the kiss and rested his forehead on Sidney's.
"How did I get so lucky?" Sidney asked, looking up at Jordan through his eyelashes.
"I ask myself that every day", Jordan answered, smiling back at him.