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Jensen took a deep breath before opening the door to the Wonderland offices. He walked up to the desk and spoke to the receptionist, who pointed him in the direction of the waiting room with a smile.
He smiled back with one of what Chris called his “Hollywood smiles” before turning and heading down the corridor the way she had pointed.
He took another deep breath before opening the door, fixing his ‘superior’ look on his face, expecting to see the same bunch of actors who he saw at pretty much every casting call.
He stopped inside the doorway and looked around, finding the room empty. He shut the door behind him and glanced at his watch, noting that he was only 10 minutes early.
“Well, this is different,” he spoke to the empty room.
He shook his head and put the script on his lap, flipping the pages of dialogue to make sure that he had it all memorized.
Parts of it were familiar from his earlier casting sessions, but the scene had been rewritten several times over, changing almost every time he had seen it.
He wasn’t surprised, this was one of the main pivotal moments in the script, full of exposition and back story, tying together the past and the present for the two brothers.
This time though, he was going to be playing the other side; Dean instead of Sam. It was a complete switch of character, but secretly he was pretty happy with it, having felt an affinity with Dean from the start.
But the questions remained, who else was he pitted against? And who was up to play Sam? So much rested on the relationship between the two, and he hoped it was someone who he could at least stand to be around.
He flipped his script closed and looked at his watch. Another five minutes were gone and still no sign of anyone else.
He checked the message from his agent again, worried for a second that he had the wrong place or time.
The door handle turned, and Jensen glanced up as it opened, his eyes widening as he saw the last person he would have expected to see.
“Jared,” he spoke softly, trying to school his features to hide his shock at being faced with him once more.
Jared stopped dead in the doorway, a million emotions running across his face before settling on a smile.
“Jensen, hey,” he spoke, stepping into the room and closing the door behind him.
He glanced around the room, expecting to see other people, before looking back at Jensen with a confused look on his face.
“Where is everybody?” he asked.
Jensen shrugged and looked at Jared, deciding to go for calm indifference.
“Just you and me, pal,” he replied.
Jared blinked, as if confused by both Jensen’s demeanor and his answer.
“Ookay,” he finally replied, pulling the rolled up script out of his back pocket.
“You here for Sam?” he asked Jensen.
“No, Dean,” Jensen answered.
“Huh,” Jared commented. “So you’re my big brother huh?” he grinned, looking down at Jensen.
Jensen stood up, still not quite matching Jared’s height.
“And you’re the one who ran away,” he replied, voice full of double meanings.
Jared opened his mouth to answer when the door opened behind him and Eric Kripke walked into the room.
“Hey guys,” he greeted jovially. “You’ve met? That’s good. We’re ready for you now,” he told them.
“It’s just a standard screentest for the network, nothing to worry about. You ready?” he asked, turning back and gesturing for them to follow.
Jensen nodded and followed Eric out, leaving Jared to follow in a confused silence.
In the end, the awkwardness and tension between them worked to their advantage, Jensen putting it all into the scene and sensing that Jared did the same.
From the smiles on the execs faces, Jensen was pretty sure that they were happy too, and the news that they weren’t testing anyone else was also a really good sign.
But still, Jensen found it hard to be really happy about it; the dive bombers in his stomach making him feel vaguely ill.
Somehow he managed to escape before Jared, settling into his car before Jared even left the building.
He pulled smoothly out of his parking spot and drove out of the lot, glancing in the rear view mirror and seeing Jared standing outside the entrance, staring after him, an inscrutable look on his face.
Jensen was on autopilot the whole way back to Steve’s place, not entirely sure how he made it back at all. Parking outside he turned off the engine and closed his eyes, scrubbing his hand across his face, feeling the rough scrape of his stubble under his palms.
“Damnnit,” he swore, opening the door and climbing out of the car, closing and locking it behind him.
He jogged up to the apartment, wanting to get out of public, needing the safety that Steve’s place always seemed to offer.
The place was empty, both Chris and Steve out somewhere. He had a vague memory of being told of recording studio plans, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember anything else.
He grabbed a beer from the fridge, popping the cap off and tossing it in the sink before wandering through the empty rooms, ending up in the bedroom. He stared at the bed, memories of Jared, hot and hard beneath him flashing through his mind.
“Fuck!” Jensen swore, dropping the beer on the nightstand before flopping down on the bed, rolling over and thumping the pillow before burying his head in it and holding his breath. He didn’t want to breathe too deeply, because he swore that he could still smell Jared on the sheets.
He knew that was stupid though. There was no way, not after all this time. He let his breath out in a rush, squeezing his eyes shut as he instead smelled Chris and Steve and detergent.
Turning his head to the side, Jensen forced himself to relax. He couldn’t let this get to him, he couldn’t afford it. He needed this pilot, he wanted this role. One way or the other, he needed to find a way to get past this. He couldn’t let Jared blow it for him now.
***
He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew a familiar hand was running through the short hairs on the back of his neck.
Blinking muzzily, Jensen leaned into Steve’s hand, arching to stretch out the kinks in his spine from falling asleep in an awkward position on the bed, still fully-clothed.
“Hey,” Steve whispered softly, tugging gently on his hair. “How did it go?”
Jensen rolled onto his back and sighed, trying to put together his emotions and form a response.
“No good?” Steve asked with a frown.
“No, no,” Jensen stopped him, shaking his head. “It went fine. I think I’ve got it… I mean, they’re not auditioning anyone else to the network.”
“That’s great!” Steve exclaimed before noticing again the lack of happiness on Jensen’s face. “So why the long face?” he asked.
Jensen brought his hands up and scrubbed at his face, trying to wake up fully and order his thoughts.
“It’s nothing. The role’s great, the producer’s are great, the script’s great,” he sighed.
“So what?” Steve asked again.
“It’s Jared,” Jensen finally admitted.
Steve blinked, not expecting that response. Jared hadn’t been mentioned since that morning months before, when Jensen had woken and found nothing but a Jared-spaced gap on the bed.
Jensen had been quiet the next day, which Chris and Steve had at first shucked off as the normal morning-after hangover, but when he still hadn’t shrugged it off by the following day, they knew that there was a problem.
By the time he’d flown back up to Canada, he’d managed to shake himself out of it somewhat, but ever since then he’d been a little more drawn, a little less carefree. And it didn’t take a genius to work out that it had something to do with Jared.
“What does Jared have to do with anything?” Steve asked, completely lost.
“He’s Sam,”
“The younger brother?” Steve asked.
Jensen just nodded.
“Fuck,” Steve muttered.
“You gonna be okay?” he asked, concerned.
“I’ve gotta be,” Jensen answered honestly. “I’m a professional, I can handle it,” he promised. “And hell, if not? I’m a fucking actor, I can pretend.”
Steve gave him a look that told him he wasn’t fooling anyone, but didn’t reply to that, instead sliding down on his side on the bed to lay next to Jensen, his head propped up on his hand.
Jensen just laid back down on the bed fully, curling into Steve and letting out a deep breath. He only wished that things were as simple as that, and that he was half as confident as he sounded.
In reality Jensen knew that it was going to be anything but easy to pretend that he could put that night out of his head when it came to dealing with Jared. He’d done his best to bury everything, the memories and the emotions that stemmed from that night, but he still saw Jared every time he closed his eyes.
He knew that he had both Steve and Chris worried about him, and could only imagine how Chris was going to react when he found out what was going on, because God knows he knew enough about how awkward it could be working with co-stars when they’d been involved, although Jensen didn’t even try to kid himself that this was the same thing.
Steve sighed heavily and placed a hand on Jensen’s chest. Neither of them made any other moves, Jensen staring sightlessly up at the ceiling, while Steve watched him, settling him with his presence. Eventually Jensen’s eyes fell shut and he drifted back off to sleep, Steve keeping up his vigil.
That was how Chris found them a few hours later.
Entering the bedroom, Chris took in the scene and raised an eyebrow at Steve who looked up and shook his head slightly. Chris frowned and looked down at Jensen, who was asleep, but looking anything but relaxed.
Slowly, carefully, Steve moved, sliding off of the bed and heading over to the door without waking Jensen, who rolled over into the warm spot and sighed.
Chris turned around and headed out to the kitchen, knowing that Steve would follow him. Settling back against the counter, Chris watched as Steve headed for the refrigerator and took out two beers, handing one to Chris before opening his own and downing half of it in one go.
“What’s up?” Chris asked, concerned. “His audition go bad?”
Steve sighed and shook his head. “He thinks he’s got the part,” he replied, pressing the cool glass of the bottle against his forehead.
“Then why do you look like that’s a bad thing?” Chris frowned back.
“Because he met the guy who’s going to be the other series lead with him,” Steve replied, finishing off the rest of the bottle and thumping it down on the counter.
“Who?” Chris asked, confused. Steve looked at him and shook his head, and Chris got a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach. “Oh fuck. Jared?” he asked, slumping against the counter when Steve just nodded sadly.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Chris swore. “Someone up there’s gotta helluva sense of humor,” he added.
“Or something,” Steve agreed, slumping against the fridge.
“He gonna be okay?” Chris asked.
“He says so,” Steve answered, shrugging.
“You don’t think so?”
Steve shook his head, rubbing at his temples to try and stave off the headache he could feel coming on. “I don’t know,” he replied eventually.
“They’re shooting it here though, right?” Chris said.
“Yeah, I think so,” Steve replied, shrugging.
“And principal shooting’s in a few weeks?” Chris asked.
“Two weeks,” Jensen replied from the doorway, making both Chris and Steve jump guiltily.
Jensen looked between them, shaking his head and putting on his best smile.
“C’mon guys, quit worrying, I’m fine,” he told them. “It was only one night, not like he’s the love of my life or anything special right?” he shrugged. “We’re both professionals, and neither of us is stupid enough to let anything as petty as that get in the way on set.”
Steve opened his mouth to reply, but Jensen shot him a look that stopped him.
“Now,” Jensen grinned, “I’ve not had the formal okay yet, but it’s a pretty big fucking certainty, so how’s about we go out and celebrate?”
Steve and Chris shared a look, and silently agreed to let it go. Jensen would only allow them to push him so far, and the strain on his face told them that they were very close to that edge right now.
Instead they agreed with Jensen, and made silent plans to keep an eye on him for the next few months.
***
Jensen’s cell phone rang bright and early the next morning, waking the three of them from where they were sprawled across the furniture in the lounge, having never actually made it to their beds the night before.
Finding it just before it went to voicemail, Jensen answered with a slightly breathless “Hello?”
Steve rubbed his eyes and yawned, kicking at Chris when he caught him with an arm as he stretched. They both looked up as Jensen sat upright and frowned.
“Uh huh, okay man,” he spoke. “No, no that’s great!” he continued, sounding less than totally enthused. “Okay, yeah… yeah… uh huh… no that’s fine. Uh huh, when?” he asked, catching Steve’s gaze for a second before looking away again. “Okay. That’s no problem. Just send it over and I’ll sort it,” he promised. “Uh huh, not a problem. Thanks man. Yeah, you too. Bye” he finished the call and shut his cell, sliding it into his pocket.
When he looked up and saw Steve and Chris staring at him, he shrugged.
“That was Andrew, the network just called and officially offered me the role of Dean Winchester in their new pilot,” Jensen explained, smiling.
“That’s great man!” Steve grinned. “I know you were pretty sure last night, but man, it must feel good to know that you’ve got that official nod now, huh?” he asked.
Jensen smiled and nodded back, but the joy didn’t quite reach his eyes.
***
Shooting a pilot episode for a new series wasn’t as simple as just turning up and filming the episode for a few days before going home. It was a long process of costume fittings and meetings with the directors and producers, combined with multiple script re-writes.
It also meant the Jensen had no alternative but to spend time with Jared, no matter how awkward he felt.
They oscillated between acting like new friends and strained acquaintances- one minute joking together, the next reacting to something as if the other was a complete stranger.
By the time principal shooting began things were still strained between them, and the opening shots of filming, were uncomfortable for them both.
They refused to let it ruin filming however, and instead channeled their emotions into their characters, the resulting tension between the brothers lifting their game even higher.
By the end of shooting on the Friday, Jensen was more than happy when the director finally called it a wrap for the weekend. After a quick trip to his trailer to change and grab his stuff, Jensen was unlocking his car when he heard his name called.
Looking over his shoulder, he saw Jared heading towards him. For a second he considered getting in the car anyway, but Jared’s long legs ate up the distance quickly, until he was standing just behind him.
Turning around, Jensen smiled up at him, leaning back against the car door in a show of feigned nonchalance.
“Hey man,” Jared spoke gently, looking down at their feet before looking back up at Jensen again.
Jensen waited for Jared to continue, but Jared looked embarrassed, glancing away again.
“What’s up?” Jensen finally asked, rolling his shoulders tiredly.
“Y’wanna go get a drink?” Jared finally blurted out.
“Huh?”
“You know,” Jared began again, biting his lip and shifting uncomfortably. “I think we should go out and get a drink.”
“Together?” Jensen replied, wincing at how high his voice sounded.
Jared sighed and rubbed his hand across his face tiredly, looking around the almost empty lot. “Look Jensen,” he sighed. “This isn’t going to work like this. Not really.”
Jensen frowned at him, opening his mouth to argue, but something he could see on Jared’s face stopped him.
“I’m fucking this up,” Jared muttered, pushing his bangs off of his face.
Taking a deep breath, he started again. “I think it would be a good idea if we went and got a drink, spent some time getting to know each other…” he trailed off again. “I really want this show, and I get the feeling you do too, but we’re gonna hafta work together to make it happen.”
Jensen blinked up at him, a million thoughts rushing through his head.
The last thing he wanted to do was spend more time with Jared than was strictly necessary, but at the same time, he knew that Jared was right, and they needed to sort something out before their awkwardness killed whatever chance they had at becoming friends.
And Jensen knew how hard it was to work on a show where you didn’t get on with someone else in the cast… and with Supernatural it would be even more impossible still.
Jared opened his mouth to say something else, his shoulders’ slumping as he started to turn away, when Jensen finally spoke.
“Okay.”
Jared stopped mid-movement, almost tripping over himself as his head whipped back around to stare at Jensen.
“Okay?” he repeated, as if he wasn’t sure that he’d heard right.
“Okay,” Jensen repeated. “We’ll go get a drink and… try and work shit out.”
The smile that lit Jared’s face was almost enough to blind him.
“Man, that’s so great!” he replied, bouncing on the spot with his enthusiasm.
Jensen couldn’t help but smile back. “I know a couple of good places not far from here… follow me there?” Jensen asked.
“Yeah, yeah man!” Jared grinned, spinning away and bounding over to his car. “I’ll be right behind you!”
Jensen watched Jared as he sprinted for his car, unable to stop the grin on his face at Jared’s enthusiasm. His smile faded at the thought of going to the bar with him, and the awkward conversation he could foresee happening.
He briefly considered getting in his car and driving off now, before Jared could follow him, but discarded the thought immediately, because that would only make things even more difficult than they were already.
Fifteen minutes later and they were both settled in a small booth at the back of one of Jensen's favorite haunts, the familiarity of it helping him to relax some, despite the guy staring at him across the expanse of the table and bouncing his leg restlessly.
Jensen looked down at where his beer bottle was making wet patterns on the scarred tabletop, trying to work out some way of breaking this awkward silence.
A heavy sigh from across the table made him look back up at Jared, who had his eyes squeezed shut.
"You don't know how to start either, heh?" Jensen asked with a slight grin.
Jared cracked open one eye and shook his head, and Jensen couldn't stop the laugh.
"Man, you're crazy!" he told Jared.
Jared responded by poking his tongue out at him, still with one eye shut. Jensen kicked him under the table in retaliation.
"Fucking hell," Jared swore, knocking his knee into the bottom of the table as he jerked his legs out of Jensen's range. "Are you wearing steel-toed boots or something?"
Jensen laughed again and shook his head before taking a swig from his beer.
"No," he replied. "But they're good for kicking embarrassing people with."
"Fuck you," Jared swore, without a trace of hurt. "I'll have you know I'm excellent company."
"If you're five," Jensen replied smartly.
Jared simply stuck his tongue out once more before picking up his beer again and taking a long pull. He swallowed and set the bottle back on the table with a thump, all trace of humor gone from his expression.
"Look, Jensen," he began finally, running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry about before, it was a shitty thing for me to do, sneaking off like that, but I'd never done anything like that before in my life, and I kinda freaked out a bit... well, a lot actually," he explained, looking at Jensen before looking back down at the table, fingers nervously picking at the label on his beer.
"I just didn't know what to do y'know," he continued after a short pause, still not looking at Jensen. "It was too much, and I needed to get out, to get some air and breathe, and once I'd gone I wanted to go back again later, but I knew I couldn't, I just..."
Jensen held his hand up, stopping the flow of words.
"Don't," he interrupted. "It's okay."
"Is it?" Jared asked, looking up at Jensen finally. "Because it feels anything but okay," he shook his head.
"I like you Jensen, you're a great guy, and I think if we'd never met before that casting session, we'd be the best of friends. But we didn't, and everything's weird between us, and I hate it."
Jensen closed his eyes and shook his head, knowing the truth of Jared's words. "I know man, I know."
"I just get the feeling that I fucked everything up by leaving that morning, and it's fucking killing me to think of what could be," Jared added.
Jensen let out a deep sigh before opening his eyes, looking back up at Jared.
"I don't think it's fucked up beyond repair," he admitted, hating himself for the warm feeling that spread through him at the hope that kindled in Jared's eyes. "I'm not gonna say it didn't matter that you were gone, because we both know I'd be lying, but you don't have anything to be sorry for, really. It was just a fucked up night all around, and none of us were really considering what we were doing, beyond the fact that it felt good. I freaked out the next morning too, and I'm used to waking up in some fucked up situations with those two," he smiled a little ruefully, hoping that Jared didn't pick up on the lie- he'd freaked out, but not for the same reason as Jared.
"I looked you up on Google y'know," Jared admitted, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Huh?" Jensen replied.
"That afternoon. I looked you up on Google to find more about you, to try and work out if you'd still be in LA or if you'd be back in Canada. Steve and Chris had mentioned you were on a break in filming from Vancouver," he admitted.
Jensen laughed a little and rubbed the back of his head. "I looked you up too," he admitted.
A startled guffaw burst out of Jared, making Jensen blush and grin.
"Like what you found?" he asked.
Jensen screwed up his face. "Gilmore Girls?" he groaned. "Dude! The mother's hot- but I couldn't watch that crap!"
Jared laughed even louder at that, slapping his thigh.
"Aw man, you're hilarious!" he grinned when he'd quietened down a little, still grinning at the blush that had crept up Jensen's neck.
They lapsed into a comfortable silence after that, until Jared broke it with a quiet question.
"So...what now?"
Jensen looked at him for a moment, chewing at his lip before sticking his hand out.
Jared looked at it for a moment before getting it.
"Hi, I'm Jensen Ackles," Jensen told him when Jared shook his hand.
"Jared, Jared Padalecki," he answered with a smile.
The End?