Chapter Text
“I cannot promise that I will never again cause you pain. Nor can I promise that I will not give you cause for distrust…
Mycroft dug in his pocket and curled his hand around the one anchor he had to help him make to the end of this in one piece and gripped it fiercely.
“With another you could have a safer life, an easier one… a life where you knew each day what the next might bring and know that the joys and troubles you face would always be with your partner at your side…”
Unmindful of what truly disgusting matter he might encounter, Mycroft got down on one knee and held out Gregory’s pendant in his hand.
“… but that partner could not love you as deeply as do I. You would not be the other half of their soul and the reason their heart beat each day. I can never offer you a perfect life, my beloved, because I am not a perfect man. Far from it, in fact, but I can offer you a life where I try and I learn and I strive each day to be a better man than the day before. I can offer you my heart, my body, my devotion… I can offer you everything that I am and offer it gladly. You know my flaws, my beloved, you know them well and I ask you now, before those you call both friend and enemy if you can accept them and the love I offer. The love which has never wavered and which I treasure above all things on this Earth.”
Wiping his eyes, Mycroft stared directly into Lestrade’s widened gaze and smiled as hopefully as he could.
“Gregory Lestrade… will you marry me?”
__________
Mycroft continued to watch Lestrade, trembling all the while his love drew in great heaving breaths and failed to notice anyone in the room but the man on his knees begging for… well, for everything of importance in his life. Slowly rising from his seat and gently removing the hands that were unsure if they were frantically pushing their friend towards his future or desperately trying to keep him from making the worst mistake of his life, Lestrade slowly walked forward and reached down to take the pendant from Mycroft’s hand, affixing it around his neck, then Mycroft’s hand itself, drawing the rest of him into a passionate kiss that scandalized half the onlookers and set the other half grinning, yelling cheers of congratulations. If the lunch period hadn’t finished, it was unlikely the spell would have broken until the final bell, but the audience reluctantly obeyed the call to their classrooms, leaving the couple to continue their embrace, which only ended after what seemed a millennium of time.
“Oh, Gregory. My dearest, dearest G… Gregory…”
“Shhhh, Mycroft. It’s alright. Don’t cry.”
Mycroft kissed his fiancé again, this time tenderly and sweetly, savoring the flavor of the man he loved with all his heart.
“You deserve my tears, Gregory. You deserve each for I have behaved so shamefully. But now… now, I shall prove that I am worthy of this great gift you have given me. I love you, my dear. My beloved, beloved husband…”
“And I love you, Mycroft. That’s never changed. But… you do realize I didn’t say yes, right?”
Lestrade smiled as Mycroft’s body went rigid as a bar of iron and counted the seconds until his partner was able to actually function well enough to say a word.
“But… you… of course you did!”
Taking as great care as he would dealing with someone suffering a terrible fright, Lestrade led Mycroft to a table and gently coaxed him to have a seat.
“No, I didn’t.”
“You did! You… you took your pendant and…”
“My pendant. The one I bought for myself.”
“I… no! That was not… well, yes, that is true, but that is not the important thing!”
Lestrade reached out and stroked Mycroft’s cheek, wiping away the tears that were leaving red streaks down his lover’s face.
“Maybe not, but it doesn’t mean I agreed to marry you.”
“You kissed me! In view of… scads of witnesses!”
“That I did. I kissed my boyfriend who did something that was brutally hard for him because he wanted me to know that he was serious about apologizing. I know how miserable that was for you, love. I know that was the worst possible thing for you to have to do, but you did it anyway. Maybe you did it because you knew what it would mean to me and thought it would get you what you wanted, but I suspect you also know what it would mean if I found out you did that for show and not because you were serious about it. I kissed you, Mycroft, because you did something brave and wonderful, not because I accepted your proposal.”
Now, it was Mycroft heaving large breaths and Lestrade ran his had up and down his partner’s back, talking soft nonsense to him until Mycroft calmed down enough to keep the conversation going.
“You… you will not marry me.”
“I didn’t say that, either.”
“You did! You said you did not agree to marry me!”
“I didn’t agree to this proposal, but… I’m not saying I won’t agree to any others. I can’t say yes right now, Mycroft. I love you, I truly do, but you have no idea how much pain I’ve been in. And there’s been a smaller ache for a couple of months now that’s been sitting in my chest, refusing to die. I can’t marry you with that inside of me, Mycroft. It wouldn’t… I just can’t.”
“What… what can I do? Anything, anything you ask Gregory, I will do. Anything you want or need will be yours. I cannot lose you, my dear. I know I have behaved atrociously and I do not deserve a man as good as you, but I will do everything in my power to help you lose the pain. I cannot bear the thought of your suffering, whether I am the cause or not, though I know I am wholly at fault here.”
“I know you will, Mycroft. I just… look, can we go somewhere else to talk? This is… I really need to get away from here.”
“Of course, my love. Come, the car is waiting and we may go wherever you wish.”
Mycroft hesitated only a moment taking Lestrade’s hand and walking him out of the cafeteria, ignoring the stares from classrooms and students in the corridor.
“Gregory… as I was incorrect in my assumptions…”
“I know. The word is going be all over the village that we’re engaged, and grandly at that, before school is even out for the day.”
“But… I…”
“What they think is what they think and they’ll do it anyway no matter what I say. They can have their story, but we know the truth and that’s all that really matters. We’ll have to talk to Sherlock and John, though. Mum and Grandmama, too. But, I don’t care about gossip right now. I really don’t.”
“Of course, my dear.”
Squeezing his lover’s hand, Mycroft knew Lestrade didn’t care about much at all for anything right now besides the talk they were facing. Not that he felt particularly ready for it, but that was completely inconsequential. Gregory would get his attention, his honesty, his love and whatever else was needed to help him heal this horrible wound and, perhaps someday, help to gain for him the forgiveness he so desperately needed to feel worthy of the man squeezing his hand in return.
__________
Nothing was said in the car after Lestrade directed the driver to take them to his mother’s house, where they moved to Lestrade’s vehicle and sent the driver back to the Holmes residence, prompting Mycroft to finally break the silence.
“You do not drive to school?”
“Sometimes. Money has been tight, though and petrol is expensive.”
Deciding not to comment, Mycroft took the passenger’s seat and experienced no small surprise when they drove to his house. However, his partner continued on beyond the house itself and followed the property road until they reached a place Mycroft remembered fondly.
“I thought we could sit here awhile if that’s ok with you.”
“Of course, my dear. It is a lovely choice.”
Lestrade sighed and got out of the car, looking at the large tree under which he and Mycroft had first gone beyond a simple kiss in a car, as well as had their first real talk about them as a couple. It was a good place and he really needed that bit of support right now. As well as the towel that was in the boot because Mycroft would certainly be more comfortable if he wasn’t sitting directly on the ground.
“Oh. Gregory… that is most considerate of you.”
“Trying to save your nice suit, though you’ve done your own bit to make your tailor angry.”
Putting the towel on the ground, Lestrade sat next to it and reached over to brush off Mycroft’s knee, which still bore traces of Mycroft’s grand proposal.
“Yes, well… I had hoped a tangible gesture would aid my cause.”
Mycroft took his prepared spot and felt the nearly-choking nervous energy begin to flow out of him as Lestrade reached over and began softly rubbing his neck.
“It did, love. I don’t know I would have listened to you any other way. I’d already promised myself I wouldn’t answer your calls or agree if you tried to get me to come here to your house. And Mum was ready to toss you into the street if you came knocking on our door. At least… at least until I could lose some of this… pain, anger, humiliation. You did exactly what I needed to be willing to hear you out.”
“And that is my greatest desire, Gregory. I would ask the chance to, not make my excuses, but offer explanation, pathetic and insufficient though it be. I wish, also, to hear your own thoughts. I want to know everything you have felt and thought, for it is your right that I know all of the wrong I have done you these weeks.”
“No, I really think you don’t. It’s been… it’s been struggle enough to try and keep it inside and not let the boys or Mum have a good look because… it’s not a pretty thing.”
“Nor should it be! But, please, Gregory… do not hide what you feel. I shall say this, though it may hurt my cause terribly, but… I believe, or choose to believe for I am a blackguard, that if you had released that blackness and let me see it that… that I would not be sitting here now terrified that I have lost the person I love more than my own life.”
Mycroft panicked when Lestrade removed his hand, but breathed easier when it was laid over his on the ground instead.
“I don’t see how you couldn’t have known something was wrong, Mycroft.”
“I did! I knew we were apart and you suffered my neglect, however… however, I believed it no different than the pain I suffered, which was tortuous, but… manageable, for lack of a better word.”
“That’s because you were getting it soothed with nights at fine restaurants and the theater!”
Lestrade cursed at his words and the sharpness of his voice because this was not how he had wanted this conversation to go.
“There… you have upset yourself, have you not?”
“Wh… what do you mean?”
“You laid an accusation that, to my disgrace, was proper and valid, but it upset you to say it aloud.”
“I… yeah, I suppose that’s true. I just didn’t want to be nasty or harsh about it because that won’t get us anywhere.”
“That was not, as you say, ‘nasty,’ Gregory. It was harsh, but I would expect nothing less. I did salve my own distress with entertainments that I pointedly denied you and you are perfectly justified being angry about it. You deserve to shout, to accuse, to roar and rage at my conduct. Do not hold it inside, Gregory… what I do not know, I cannot address, let alone work to change.”
Lestrade scowled, but nodded at Mycroft’s words.
“I suppose you have a point. I just don’t… I hate sounding like that. It’s not productive.”
Mycroft filed the comment away for later, but put a very large star on the file because this was not an issue he wanted to let die away. He would have done something if his lover had reacted differently to his slights. Frustrated resignation was something he felt every moment he was apart from his love, so receiving it back did not sound any alarms. True anger or hurt… those he would have set aside everything to fix. However, that was not the issue now. The issue of the moment was the slights he perpetrated and he would not, in any manner, allow the conversation to deviate from that path.
“Then let us do that. Let us be productive and begin, though, truly I do not know where to begin. Is there something you most wish to ask or know?”
“That’s easy. Why I wasn’t enough. Or good enough. That’s what I want to know.”
Rethinking! Productivity was a horrible thing and should be banned immediately! But, his beloved was baring his heart and he must honor that with bravery from his own.
“Then know that none of that is true, Gregory. You are far more than I have ever dreamed for my life and there is none who I hold in as great esteem.”
“I have a hard time believing that, Mycroft. I understood that you had to be away a lot, but you’ve not wanted me to visit at all or even talk on the phone. Then I find you’ve got loads of time available, but can’t be bothered to spare any of it for a simple call. I’ve had to sit here, trying to handle school, work, Sherlock and John… they’re hurt, too, and I’ve had to try and help with that as much as I can without making you look the villain. It’s been like that first time at Grandmama’s, only worse. It’s like you found the right nanny and then went off to live the life you actually wanted now that you don’t have to do all the things you had to do here before you met me.”
Mycroft felt his stomach clench at the words, but hiding from them was not an option, no matter how much he wished it was.
“The actions I cannot deny, but the intent I can. The only life I want is one with you, though I have done nothing to make you believe that, of late. I have not treated you well, Gregory, but it was not because my love for you has faded or I view you as a tool to facilitate my own wants. In truth, it is difficult for me to even express properly how deeply I both care for and respect you, though I know… I know I fall into the most insipid romantic twaddle when you are near.”
“Then what happened! I thought… I thought we were happy. That there would be the weekends in London now and then, regular phone calls so… so I could hear your voice and get the chance to share the events in our day so I didn’t feel so alone.”
Sighing sadly, Mycroft wished he had a better, more satisfying answer to give beyond his pathetic, yet honest one, but that was not to be the case.
“What happened was my failure to remember those things are necessary. I… you are a part of me, Gregory. A part that I feel always, like an arm or the beating of my heart. You are always there, in my mind and soul and… I forget that is not enough to hold together a relationship. I suppose it is not untrue to say I have taken you for granted, but that has not been purposeful. It is more a certainty in my mind that with you, our home is safe and well and our love endures. True, there have been issues of work that have taken my attention away from you, but not to a degree to produce the neglect you have suffered. I know, also, that our relationship has offered you no satisfaction, regardless of how I might feel or how profound is my love for you.”
“No, it hasn’t. I’ve tried not to be a bother because I do know you’re busy, but… I saw the newspaper, Mycroft. I saw the pictures and I read the story. I know you’re entitled to enjoy yourself, love. I know you’re entitled to have friends and find things to do, but…”
“Yes? Please, Gregory, go on.”
“I’ve always tried to make time for you. I have my friends and I have fun with them, but I always make time for you. And… that bloke in your dressing gown. He’s the one in that photo. I know you said you’ve been faithful, but… you don’t have to shag someone to be cheating with them.”
Mycroft slowly nodded and tried to envision the shock and pain his lover endured seeing such a sight. And, in one sense, he had been unfaithful, substituting a handy escort for the man who deserved to be on his arm, but that unfaithfulness had be in act only. Never in his heart and, certainly, never in his bed.
“Edmund is simply… I cannot even say he is a friend for that is not what I feel for him. Looking upon it, though, after seeing the evidence Grandmama presented me, the conclusion to be drawn from it can be none but that which you would most fear.”
“I feel bad involving her in this. It was dumb to go to her house and make a fuss. I was just so… I wasn’t thinking very well at the time.”
“You had every right and she, undoubtedly, is delighted that you felt safe to share with her your troubles, though you likely felt it was the last of her you would ever see.”
“I did, too. I didn’t think I’d see her or you ever again and that was alright, awful as it sounds. I was so dead and empty… but, it felt better than hurting, if that makes any sense. I had my answers… why you didn’t want me anymore, why you didn’t care… dead and empty is easier to take than constant, constant hurt.”
Mycroft had promised himself he wouldn’t lose control again of his emotions, but was finding that a losing battle. Only with Gregory did his emotions come surging to the fore and his love was absolutely worth every tear, though stung like acid trailing down his face.
“Never. I never stopped wanting you and I care… I care for you to the ends of the Earth.”
“Not enough to take me nice places, though, or even let me come to London, at all.”
“That I do not understand, my dear. There is no ‘let’ to be discussed. You are free to come to London at will.”
“Wrong. You’ve told me I couldn’t in no uncertain terms more than once!”
Sighing loudly and wiping his face, Mycroft wished more than anything he could turn back time and make all of this right. He had erred in so many ways, so many times…
“I know and I bemoan my irredeemably ineffective choice of words. I cannot prohibit you coming to London, Gregory. You are free to travel at will and the house… the house is yours! It is yours as much as it is mine by our names on the deed. It is to my discredit that I… I am arrogant and, though not precisely controlling, I do present poorly to you at times for such matters. I more hoped to impart that I had little time to devote to you and I would hate to see you go to such effort for little reward. However, in hindsight… I seem too often have more time than I believe. Not a bountiful quantity and, sometimes, not until I take to my bed, but it is a bed we could have shared, as well as breakfast in the morning. And you could have enjoyed your days, albeit without me, seeing the sights and enjoying what London offers. I would ask… and I am not, in any manner, attempting to lessen my culpability in any of this, but… you know I cannot order you to do or not do anything. Why did you not simply come?”
Lestrade began plucking blades of grass from the ground and tying them into knots to throw, a gesture Mycroft remembered well from the last time they sat in this spot.
“I don’t know. I wanted to be there. I even thought about exactly what you said… exploring the city during the day, maybe just having a late dinner or early breakfast with you, sleeping in your arms… I thought about it a lot.”
“But you didn’t come.”
“I suppose… I suppose I felt you if you didn’t want me there you didn’t want me there, if that makes any sense.”
“After the events of late, I am sad to say it does. I admit that it never occurred to me that my agreement was not necessary for your travel any more than it occurred to me the issue existed at all. In my way, I was trying to spare you the disappointment of a hoped-for weekend being one that you still spent, for all intents and purposes, alone and unentertained.”
“You’ve done a LOT of entertaining, Mycroft.”
“Yes, there is that.”
“How many times you told me not to come actually turned out to be a nice time with your new friends and that Edmund character?”
“More than I feel comfortable admitting. Not that it was planned in that manner, my dear. Never once did I forsake you specifically to spend time with others. I would have stated it clearly if that was the case as you do for me when you have a night with your friends. It was more… they were there when I ran across a free measure of time and we willing to help me fill it.”
“And you never noticed that I was never part of any of that?”
“Yes and no. I simply… it seems trite to say I never made the connection, but I did not. You lived in my heart and there you were, whether your body was with me or not. It was not until I saw, in one collected portfolio, the enormity of your neglect and how truly active I had been, despite my protestations to the contrary, that the pieces fell into place, forming a truly deplorable picture.”
“I have hard time believing that. I’m sorry, but I do.”
“And I do not fault you for it. I offer only in my defense that… what is common to you is not common to me.”
“What does that mean?”
Mycroft wished he could simply shrug and pretend idiocy, but that was the poorest possible disguise and disrespectful to Gregory in the extreme.
“How many friends do I have, Gregory?”
“How would I know? I’m never in London to meet them, let alone count them.”
“Very well, limit your answer to home. How many friends do I have?”
Lestrade winced because he was highly aware of the answer and it was something that had long troubled him about his partner.
“I’ve never met any here, either.”
“Because they do not exist. The passing acquaintance, to be certain, when I was still attending school, however… I have not known what you so easily accomplish - the making and maintaining of friends. I have always admired that about you and have rejoiced that you have a body of individuals to satisfy those areas of your life where I would not make great contribution and to whom you could turn when I had left you here while I was away. At your fingertips are those you might phone or visit, stop in the corridor at school to make an impromptu plan for the afternoon… you enjoy the camaraderie of those who include you in their circle and I am positively gleeful for that.”
Stopping a moment to catch his breath, Mycroft took great strength from the fact that Lestrade budged closer to him and lightly wrapped an arm around his waist.
“But I have none of that. I have never had that in my life and… here I am in London, savagely missing you and suddenly there are those who phone and issue invitations. Those who, when I find my work completed earlier than expected, I can reach out to and ask to join me for a meal or a spot of entertainment. My doorbell rings, Gregory. It rings and there I find individuals who will pass the afternoon or evening with me and I am not alone as you are not alone when your friends call upon you.”
“But… you said they weren’t friends. Or, at least, this Edmund wasn’t.”
“And I was honest in that. Your friends handily meet the definition, however… I am entirely aware that they care for me not as a person but as a figure. A man with money from a good family who will pay for his share of amusements and, apparently, attract the attention of those who watch the goings on in society.”
“That’s terrible! Why in the world would you... you’re a proud man, Mycroft. Proud and rightfully so. You could find a lot better than what sounds like a bunch of parasites!”
“So you say, but show me the evidence that is the case?”
“I… I can’t say anything about your own class of people, but my mates think you’re… thought you were… a good person. They liked you coming out with us.”
“They know me only because of you, Gregory. Would they have given me the time of day had they met me in the street?”
“Depends. If you had something to talk about and if you were willing to talk to them.”
“Perhaps you are correct. Or, perhaps, they would, seeing my normal garb and presentation, believed me not one of their sort and simply left me alone.”
“That’s not fair. It’s… possibly true, but it’s still not fair.”
“Truth often isn’t. I have no cadre of friends, Gregory, and those I have met in London certainly do not meet that description. Those with whom I have been spending time ask nothing of me beyond the shallow. They do not engage me intellectually or emotionally… they are, for lack of a better term, convenient, yet I will not deny that I have clung to them for the experience of… being someone who has anyone with whom to spend their time.”
Lestrade tightened his grip on his partner and laid a kiss on his cheek. Mycroft had made him so angry, hurt him so deeply, but… this part he could understand. He’d seen it often enough before with people at school. Get the attention of a group and all else falls by the wayside even when you know it really wasn’t the best thing for you, that the people want you for something you have or can do for them, but… he’d seen it and always thanked his lucky stars that he wasn’t one of them. His Mycroft, though, being in London, working more than someone his age should ever have to and never before having a real pack of friends to turn to for support and company… he’d fallen into the pit and hadn’t climbed back out.
“I’m sorry for that, love. And I’ve always been sorry. Someone like you has so much to offer, but I admit I can’t think of anyone who has reached out to take it. In fairness, though… you don’t seem to try very hard.”
“It is a valid point and, perhaps, that was a factor of note. I did not have to try, in this case. A small mention of being in residence in our London home and I was lit upon by the entire bevy of birds! I did not have to try and… it is no excuse, none at all, but it is all I can give you besides the assurance that you would choke in their presence. You would despise them and their vapidity. I did not choose them over you, my dear, I chose you over them. In my heart you always were always held dear and I was not about to subject you to their version of socialization. They were part of my London life and you… you were part of my real life. Yes, I see now why that was a stupid and foolish notion and I realize how it disadvantaged you, but I did not see it then. I simply did not see.”
“I can’t say it makes me feel good that you didn’t even really notice I wasn’t part of things for you in London, because it doesn’t. It doesn’t at all, but… if I’m honest, I can say I understand it a little. Just a little, mind you, but I won’t lie and say none of it makes sense or I think you’re trying to lie to me.”
“I would not lie, Gregory. Not to you, not for this.”
“And I believe you. I still want to know about that bloke, though. He… he seemed to get a lot of your attention and your dressing gown. That’s hard to get past, love.”
“That night… there was nothing there to cause you distress, though I am highly aware of how the situation must have appeared. I would have been livid encountering such a scene and felt myself utterly betrayed, as I know you did. It was simply a matter of Edmund overindulging and my offering him a room for the night. He left, entirely untouched, immediately after breakfast. But, I will not deny that I have seen him with greater frequency than the others for he is brasher, perhaps, about seeking my attention. I believe that he sees me as an agreeable addition to their activities, mostly for what he hopes to win in social standing. That he will rise through association and, even, win introductions that might otherwise slip his grasp.”
“You make him sound like such a prize.”
“For he is not. I take no pride in the fact that I have consented to his games, but… there were no others on offer.”
“Wrong. I was on offer.”
“Not in those moments where… you were not. Again, I make no excuses, my dear. Not a one. I am guilty of everything and I shall not do a thing to attempt to lessen the blame I deserve.”
Mycroft cut his eyes over to his partner, who was staring off into the distance, and read the exhaustion and sadness on his features. However, there was not, not yet, the tinge of defeat and Mycroft mentally crossed his fingers that there was still some chance to salvage the life they had started to build.
“What else, my dear? What else can I tell you? For what else can I ask forgiveness or offer explanation? Please, Gregory… do not allow any issue to remain unraised. Not now, not when it might linger and rankle and continue to spread its poison.”
“I… I don’t know. And I’m not trying to avoid anything or hide from what’s bothering me, it’s just… it’s just a lot. I’ll be honest, Mycroft… when I left my pendant at Grandmama’s, I was done with you. I was done with the loneliness and the pain and trying to hold on to a relationship that was… that had stopped working. My life was going to be simpler now and that… there was a lot of relief there. All I had to figure out was what to do about Sherlock and John, but… I was sure I could find a way to do that without getting involved with you again.”
Lestrade paused and tried to find the words to articulate what he wanted to say. Why couldn’t he be like Mycroft when it came to words? Maybe that was part of the problem… he always had trouble talking about big things, important things, and if he couldn’t pull his head out of his arse and just talk, how in the world did he expect Mycroft to know what was going on in his head!
“I’ve heard everything you’ve had to say, Mycroft. And, I can’t say it hasn’t made a difference, because it has. But… there’s one piece missing and the fact that it never came up…”
“Yes, my dear? Please, Gregory. I am trying my utmost and…”
“That’s what’s bothering me. In all of this, love, you’ve never said one thing about changing any of it. You didn’t say you’d call more or make yourself more available to me and the boys, put us back in your life. You say you’re trying your utmost, but not a word about actually making anything better.”
“I… I may not have expressed such a thing verbally, however, you must know that it is implied. That it is a certainty I will act to correct the wrongs I have committed?”
“No, I don’t know that. I’ve heard a lot of explaining, but I can’t say it doesn’t feel a bit like you’re hoping I’ll just understand and let things to back to the way they were.”
“Absolutely not! Under no circumstances will that happen. Sitting here now, though, I… I am seeing a tendency in myself and it is not one that has served either of us. I assume. I know my own thoughts and believe they are both recognized and agreed to by you. It is not something I do in any other area of my life, in fact, I always believe that my thoughts are entirely on a level that is not accessible by the others with whom I work. Yes, I am well aware how utterly smug and arrogant that sounds and I somehow doubt that will ever change, but… that is not how I perceive you. I have unquestioned faith that you know my mind and, I suppose, that a conversation unspoken is a conversation unnecessary for we are already of like mind.”
“That actually does sound exactly like you sometimes.”
“Something I have just come to realize.”
“And… I don’t exactly push for anything else. Speak up, I mean, when something is bothering me.”
“I do not wish to say it, but… no, no you do not. Not appreciably, in any case. Or perhaps you do and I am simply too oblivious to recognize it.”
“No, that’s not true. When I do make things plain, you don’t ignore it. You never have. Grandmama warned me about this… stand in quiet support when things were rough, then demand my due. I’m good at the first bit, but shite at the second.”
“Is there… do you know why?”
Mycroft hated shifting the focus of the conversation from any direction but him, but if there was to be a chance of reconciliation, all avenues must be explored, including ones that sat on his lover’s shoulders.
“I don’t know. It’s funny, too, because I’m not like that with my mates! When it comes to the boys or to you… things are different. Maybe… yeah, no… I don’t want to talk about that.”
That set Mycroft’s mind clearly on his partner and everything else was shoved to the side.
“What, my dear. I would say that now is precisely the time to speak of things, especially painful ones, while that is, for all intent, the purpose of this conversation. And, again, if I do not know, I cannot help.”
Lestrade scowled and tore a handful of grass from the ground, hurling it past his feet and frowning as the blades fluttered to the ground.
“You know I didn’t have it easy as a kid. I saw Mum try and try and try to get my dad to be less of an arse and all it left her with was a throat sore from yelling. Then it was eyes stinging from crying all night after trying to reason with him. And he never wanted to hear any complaints from me. Finally, Mum stopped worrying about trying to change him and got on with the business of keeping her and me with food and clothes as best she could until he finally showed a bit of sense and left us.”
Now it was Lestrade with tears on his face and Mycroft took his partner’s hand and held it tightly for support.
“Then… you know how bad Mum had it after he left. Not that he was much help, but my dad did bring in some money and it was money we needed and she… she was going through her own problems. Same ones, really, I was going through… why did he treat me like rubbish, why can’t I find someone who really cares, what’s wrong with me, what’d I do to deserve all of this… Some nights I was scared from the dark or a nightmare or I was hungry because dinner had been a bowl of cereal and I’d go to talk to her about it and she’d be crying at the kitchen table, so I wouldn’t say anything because I didn’t want her to feel worse. And, when I got upset because I couldn’t have a new toy or money to see a film with my friends… the look on her face destroyed me. It’s not Mum’s fault. It’s not. That’s not what I’m saying and don’t you dare think I am…”
Mycroft wiped the tears off of Lestrade’s face and smiled as comfortingly as he could.
“Shhhh… I know perfectly well you are not casting aspersions. Do not fear for a second I believe otherwise.”
“Good, because she doesn’t deserve it. Mum did the very best she could for me. No one could have done better.”
“I agree wholeheartedly. But… you still feel hesitant about expressing your upset or anger to someone you love. It is easier with those you do not know or if you are acting for the benefit of another, I suspect.”
“It is. I’ll stand up for anyone who’s having a hard time, but…I guess even with my mates I’m not as good at it as I’d like to believe. One of the sods will make a comment about how stupid the police are, for instance, and it bothers me because that’ll be me soon and… I don’t say anything. Not anything real, I mean, that shows I’m actually upset and not just having a spot of argument for fun.”
Mycroft leaned in and gave Lestrade a kiss on his cheek, then on the lips when his lover turned his head and gave a small, weary smile.
“If it is any consolation, my dear, I believe my personal issue with communication is far worse than is yours, so you may consider yourself quite the better man and award yourself all the points and congratulations you are due.”
Lestrade laughed and dried the last remaining moisture from his face, marveling how, even after such misery, his partner could make him laugh.
“I’m not sure about that, because you didn’t have Grandmama warn you about yours and still manage to fall on your face.”
“Oh, but she did. And my face is highly bruised from the force of its collision with the floor. Your mother, also, cautioned me. She said, and I hope she will not mind the breach of confidence, that you would be… easy to misuse in precisely the way I have done.”
“She said that?”
“Yes. She remarked that your kind heart and dedication to the welfare of others would make it easy for a body to take advantage, which is precisely what I have done. I had more than fair warning about my behaviors and still failed to pay heed to any of it.”
“Huh… well, I guess Mum was looking out for me. That’s probably why she was so fucking furious at what happened. I mean… you probably don’t want to be near her for awhile.”
Oddly, that gave Mycroft quite a boost of hope, because the only reason he had to be near his mother-in-law was because he was still involved with her son.
“I shall keep that in mind. Though, I would not begrudge her the chance to have her say since, as your mother, I know your pain was hers to share. In truth, I should very likely approach her and make apologies for how I have treated the son she loves so dearly. And, I cannot say this enough or with sufficient ardency, Gregory… I do apologize. If I could undo the past, I would and in the blink of an eye. I would right each wrong and prevent this breach from ever occurring. I love you, my dear. I love you deeply, passionately and enduringly. Know, with full confidence, that I will do everything in my power to better my treatment of you. I will beg your help, though, for I know there will be mistakes. I would take great pleasure saying I am perfect, however, I know well that is not the case and I will make mistakes. May I ask that you work with me on this? I desperately want to be the man who… oh dear. I am doing it again, aren’t I?”
Lestrade cocked his head and watched Mycroft’s face twist in a mix of worry and exasperation.
“What, love?”
“Assuming. I am assuming again and it is highly inappropriate in this circumstance. I am sitting here assuming that you… that you will honor me by allowing me a chance to prove that I can be a better partner for you and that, most certainly, is not an assumption I have right to make. But… I would know… I would pray that my assumption is not a poor one.”
“Oh. Right. I guess we haven’t decided about that, have we?”
“No… and the decision is yours to make, Gregory. You were the one wronged and… I am simply… is there hope, my love? I understand if you cannot answer or if you have not seen a change of heart but… is there any hope for us?”
It wasn’t easy for Mycroft to meet his partner’s eyes and, to his shame, he did a terribly poor job of it, settling, instead, for focusing his gaze on his lap while he waited for Lestrade to either swing a sword or hand him an olive branch.
“Are… are you really going to try, Mycroft? Not say you’re going to and then not do a fucking thing different because I’ve taken you back, so why bother?”
“I give you my most solemn oath, Gregory, that I will make every effort to give you the respect and attention you deserve.”
Lestrade nodded and Mycroft would have given all his wealth to have a single peek inside his lover’s mind for the silence was tearing at him like lion’s claws.
“I love you, Mycroft, and before things went… bad… we were a good couple. A very good couple, actually, and I can’t say I’ve ever been happier. If it’s possible to have that happiness again, to go on with what we’d planned and have the life we wanted, then I’m not sure if I could forgive myself letting that possibility slip by me. We both did things that weren’t smart, but we know that now and that’s the first step to fixing all of this.”
“Is that… is that yes?”
“It’s… it’s yes to trying to fix what’s broken and… keeping our relationship going. It’s not yes to marrying you, so don’t get any ideas.”
“I… well, I will not lie and say I was not hopeful that you, perhaps, had changed your mind.”
“I can’t say yes if I don’t know things will work out, Mycroft. We’ve had one go at what’s going to be our life for a few years and made a mess of it. Now, we try again with what we learned from that disaster and see if we do it right this time. Anyway, we originally said we’d look at that particular question at the end of summer, right? Before you went off to college? You did sort of jump ahead of schedule, so… think of it as getting back on track. By then, if we’ve figured things out… then I don’t see why you wouldn’t get the answer you want.”
Mycroft felt a flood of relief so strong his body shook with it and Lestrade held him tightly until he calmed back down.
“Thank you, Gregory. Thank you from the depths of my soul. I will not fail you, my love. I will not fail you in this.”
“And I’m going to do my very best not to fail you either, Mycroft. Start speaking my mind about things that bother me, but then it’s up to you to do something about it, even if it’s argue with me because you think I’m daft.”
“I will give your concerns my most serious attention, Gregory, and I will dedicate myself to being more aware and observant for issues involving our personal lives.”
“Ok. Ok ok ok… then I suppose we’re back together. Which is what everyone in this entire area is already getting an earful of, but… we should make certain to explain the real story to the boys, Mum and Grandmama. And do it soon.”
Mycroft grinned widely and took a much-needed kiss from his partner’s lips, adoring that Lestrade was smiling with just as much glee as was he.
“I agree. The children will be home from school in a short while, but we can phone Grandmama and apprise her of the situation.”
“That’s smart. Just… can we sit here a little while longer? It’s silly, maybe, but I could go for a bit of quiet and time… well, just a little time to hold your hand and not think about serious things.”
“I can think of nothing more enjoyable.”
Mycroft slid his hand into Lestrade’s and relaxed into the moment which, he vowed, would only be the first of countless in their new, permanent relationship. Gregory had said from the beginning that they would succeed as a couple because they worked to solve their problems and did not believe they would magically disappear if left ignored. Well, that was certainly going to be the case here. They would work and fight and give their all to overcome this terrible time and find again the happiness they had so greatly treasured. They would be victorious in this… neither he nor Gregory took well to losing and this particular battle was the most important of their lives…