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"Let's do a exercise," says the petite, blue eyed blonde sitting across him. "It's called word association. I'll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. There's no right or wrong answers so try not to stress about it."
Bucky looks at the painting behind her. He has seen that painting so many times now that he has every brush stroke and color memorized. Shuri and Ayo helping him break through the programming was one thing but being officially diagnosed as having PTSD and other illnesses a compromise wasn't a bad thing.
He promised Steve he'd see a therapist to get more help. He's been seeing Dr. Summers for six months now. He doesnt think he has made any progress. but she and Steve assures him that he has. Progress takes time, Buck. You'll get there, pal. He slumps further into the lumpy, dark green couch and shrugs, "Sure."
Dr. Summers picks up her notepad and pencil, "Great. First word, "Family."
"Becca." Bucky lets out a long exhale. He watches her make a quick swipe of her pencil.
"Eyes."
"Blue."
"Hunger."
"Want."
"Life."
"Death." Bucky looks down to his clasped hands.
"Humans."
"Bad." Bucky answers harshly.
She lets out a soft hum before continuing, "Home."
"Brooklyn."
"Sun."
"Steve." Bucky looks surprised at his answer. His widen eyes look briefly at the therapist who has a hint of a smile on her petite face.
"Stubborn."
"Steve." Bucky chuckles.
"Warmth."
"Steve."
"Trust."
"Steve."
"Comfort."
"Steve."
Dr. Summers pauses, "Last word, 'Love'."
"... Stevie." Bucky says immediately. His eyes are wide. Steve. Steve. Steve. Dr. Summers is looking at him like she heard his internal thoughts. "I-i..."
Dr. Summers gives Bucky a small smile as she puts down her pencil and notepad. "Time is up, Bucky." She gets up and waits for Bucky to do the same before leading him to the door. Steve, as always, waits in the waiting room during all his sessions. She opens the door and Bucky walks past her. "We'll see you next week James."
Bucky nods absent-mindedly and walks over towards Steve who is talking to a older, black woman. The older woman says something funny apparently because Steve full heartedly laughs.
Steve smiles when he sees Bucky approach him. "You done Buck?"
Bucky glances at the older woman who is subtly looking at his exposed metal arm with curiosity. He pulls down his shirt a bit as if that will hide it from view. He looks back at Steve's bright eyes, "Yeah. You ready to go?" He nods to the old woman and turns around heading for the stairs, not waiting for Steve to join. After a few levels he opens to EXIT door and heads for Steve's red car. The door is locked so he waits for Steve. He reaches into his pocket pulling out his pack of cigarettes and his weird cartoon lighter. He was a social smoker before the war and after being tortured at the Hydra base he felt relief from them.
From the broken pieces of his mind he remembers one memory as the Solider. The Solider finished a mission, the weapon looks around the room and sees a pack of cigarettes. Curiosity wins as he lights up the one cigarette left using the gas stove. It's like riding a bike, he breathes in deep. The familiar smell and taste consumes him. Bucky looks up when he hears Steve's steps coming towards him.
Steve, as always, looks at Bucky like he's going to disappear. You did though. I fell. You still disappeared. Steve unlocks the car and Bucky hops into the passenger seat, he puts on his seat belt. Steve gets in, turning the car on and fiddles with the radio before he puts the car in reverse. "You're quiet."
Bucky huffs, "I'm always quiet."
Silence fills the car. Steve clears his throat when he stops to put the car in drive and starts to leave the parking building. "Never used to be but I meant more than your usual."
Bucky takes a glance at him and slightly shrugs before looking back at the road. "I..." he hesitates, "We should talk." He sees Steve nod in the corner of his eye. "It's about us."
Steve suddenly grabs the steering wheel tighter for a few seconds before releasing. "Yeah?" He tries to act casual but in reality he's always scared that Bucky will give up and leave him. The first time wasn't his fault of course but if he leaves again? Steve doesn't know what he'll do.
"It's nothing bad." Bucky turns his head to the right and looks out his passenger side window.
They arrive to their shared apartment. They get out of the car, head inside. When they reach the 7th floor and enter their place, Bucky heads for the couch during which he detaches his black and gold arm placing it on the armchair. Therapy sessions usually take a lot out of him so he enjoys sinking into their red, firm but comfortable couch. He wraps himself up in the alpaca wool made blanket Natasha gave him for his birthday a few years back. Steve is in the kitchen fixing them sandwiches. Don't ruin this Bucky. Don't say anything. What if he feels the same though? What if he doesn't?
They eat once Steve is done with the sandwiches. He turns on the tv and let's Steve pick what to watch. By the time they finish eating and watching a few episodes of Doctor Who, it's seven in the afternoon. Steve doesnt bring up what Bucky wanted to discuss. Either he forgot or wanted to wait for Bucky to do it for himself. Steve let's Bucky place his head on his lap, Steve's fingers run through his soft, dark brown hair. Steve always seems willing to help Bucky fix his hair especially the days when the arm is too heavy and hurts to wear. Bucky sighs in contentment not noticing Steve gently smile after hearing him. "You ready for bed?"
Bucky thinks of the pros and cons if he asks Steve. Just tell him. Bucky leans up into a sitting position. Steve can tell it's going to be a serious talk and reaches for the remote turning the TV off. Bucky looks into Steve's confused eyes, "We used to be together."
He definitely has Steve's attention from how he froze. Steve relaxes a bit, still on edge but doesn't say anything but he nods in confirmation.
Bucky smiles slightly, "Today in therapy, well ever since I got deprogrammed I've been having more memories and most are of you. Us. I thought they were dreams but now I now they werent."
Steve is still sitting still not sure what to say in response.
"I'm not your Bucky. I mean, the one who..."
Steve grabs Bucky's hand tightly, "You are Buck."
Bucky shakes his head and looks at their connected hands. "I'm not fully but I feel what he feels. Towards you. Us."
Steve squeezes his hand, "I'll take any verison of you Bucky Barnes." Bucky looks up at Steve, all radiant, light and stubbornness. "If I would've known" he chokes out, "I would've jumped after you."
Bucky feels pain in his heart, "I know. I know you would've but it happened. I fell. They made me into a machine that kills." He says in a sharp, angry tone.
"Bucky, you kn--"
"I know it wasn't me but it was my body that did it. I accepted it. I don't need to atone but I want to." Bucky's eyes are blurring from held back tears. "I also know I want this." He leans forward over their held hands and gently kisses Steve on the lips. Steve immediately kisses him back only with more hunger underneath.
Steve lets go of Bucky's hand and puts it behind Bucky's head to bring Bucky closer, deepening the kiss. Bucky willingly goes with and starts to moans, "....Steve. Please."
Steve parts his lips from Bucky's a few inches, "What do you want, Sweetheart?"
"You." He clutches Steve's thin shirt, "I want all of you."
"Are You sure? It hasn't been that long sin---"
Bucky tightens his grip on the shirt, "Stevie. I've never been more sure of anything."
Steve leans his forehead against Bucky's forehead, he's mulling it over but the energy between them right now wins. "Couch or bed?" He leans back to look at Bucky.
"Your bed." Bucky lets go of the shirt and gets up from the couch.
"Arm?"
Bucky shakes his head, "No." He detangles himself from Steve and the blanket to get up from the couch. He stretches his back, shirt riding up a bit. He laughs when he sees Steve stare at the exposed skin with hunger. "Come on Stevie." He holds out a hand to Steve who rakss it to stand up. He holds on tight while he presses his lips to Steve's softly until Steve gets bolder and grips Bucky's body close to him. Bucky can feel the noticeable hard cock pressing between them. Bucky moans softly when Steve's free hand grabs his ass, grinding his cock into Bucky's soon to be hard cock. He drags them both towards Steve's bedroom, which is the closest. Steve let's go of his hand when they reach the door, he turns to open the handle. Bucky's seen Steve's room briefly a few times but never has fully seen it.
The room has light brown faux hard floor panels, with a deep blue rug with ripples on it. There's a comfortable black arm armchair with a identical alpaca wool blanket draped on it. Another one of Natasha's gifts. Beside it is a three foot tall, metal egg shaped light with random cut outs for the light to spill out.
Steve heads to his bathroom leaving Bucky standing in the middle of the room. The bed is simple, metal frame with a deep burgundy comforter with matching sheets. A big painting Steve, clearly made, is hung on the wall behind the bed. It's all in blues and blacks showing a giant tree in the middle of a forest of other smaller trees, the sky is is painted in light blue hues. Bucky walks over to the enormous open windows that show the entire city. It's a breathtaking view.
He is so entranced he doesn't hear Steve's soft steps coming towards him. Two big, muscular lightly tanned arms circle around his waist, Bucky lightly jolts and immediately relaxes. "If I knew you'd get a great view I would've traded rooms."
"Well play your cards right and maybe" a gentle kiss presses into Bucky's long neck, "it'll be both of ours."
"Cards, hm?"
Steve who is pressing more gentle kisses into his skin huffs a small laugh, "You know everything is yours too Buck. Even me."
Bucky turns around staring into Steve's beautiful blue eyes, "I am too."
Steve's brows furrow in confusion, "Am what?"
Bucky shoves Steve playfully towards the bed, "Yours, you idiot."
Steve hits the bed, he looks at Bucky in full naked glory. God he's beautiful, even more beautiful before... Steve closes his eyes tight briefly and opens them.
"How do you want me, Stevie?"
Steve thinks of all the possible ways to fuck the gorgeous person he's even seen, "On your side."
Bucky looks at Steve then smiles when he remembers how they used to make love before the serum. He waits to give Bucky enough room to get on the mattress. Bucky settles on the bed laying on his right side, his left residual limb exposed.
Steve's surprised that Bucky didn't put a compression sock to cover it, he never used to be insecure. Bucky was always confident, sure he's very confident when he talks to others and about how in shape he is. The arm though? That's a toss-up. Steve hasn't even touched it since what happened to him. He seems more self-conscious about the scars embedded and marred into chest, shoulder and limb. The scars run from light pink to dark red. To Steve it's beautiful, it's haunting, it shows a fighter who survived the most horrifying situation and yet still fights today. He admires Bucky for never giving up, for getting help to heal.
It's crude and looks extremely painful. Bucky grimaces whenever he's wearing his arm and when he's relaxing without it, he tries to rub it. He admitted to Steve last night he can still feel it, Steve nods. He researched amputees and phantom pain is pretty common. Bucky tells him how he can still feel his arm, if it's cold or itches but when he reaches subconsciously there's nothing there. Must be a complete mind fuck, Steve thinks. The pain doctor said that it wasn't too late to try to massage the thick scar tissue.
Steve moves on the bed settling behind him, he places his left hand on the limb gently, Bucky tenses. "Is this, okay?" He whispers.
Bucky lets go of his held breath, "Yeah, just didn't expect it."
Steve takes that as confirmation to continue, he runs his hand from the relaxing shoulder tracing the deep scar tissues. He presses a kiss on all the spots that are painted with angry dark red marks. Bucky let's out a sigh. Steve presses his body closer to him, rubbing his thick, hard cock against Bucky's ass. He wraps his left hand around Bucky's slim waist, holding him as close as he can.
"Stop teasing." Bucky moans from the feel of the cock against him.
Steve huffs a small chuckle, "I'm not. I just want to kiss you all over Buck."
"You can when you're inside of me, pal. Now come on."
Steve detangles himself from Bucky, to flip around and search for lube in the drawer. There are no condoms though. Not that Steve is sleeping with anyone or has since he's been with Bucky. Bucky was the first and honestly, hopefully the last. "I..." Steve hesitates, Bucky turns around enough to get a good look at him.
"What? No lube?"
"No, I have it. I just don't have any condoms."
Bucky just shakes his head dismissively, "It's fine. it's not like we used them back then."
"Yeah, but this time it's different. If you want me to stop, tell me now," he whispered.
"I want you to." Bucky is insistent.
Steve doesn't press it further, if he's okay with it then so is Steve. He gives Bucky a smile before turning over again, this time with the lube in hand. He presses on Bucky's back to get him to lie face first on the bed. "I changed my mind how I wanted you," he says before Bucky says anything. He puts the tube by Bucky's right hip. Bucky spreads his legs wide and Steve positions his body behind him. He places his hands on Bucky's pert, firm ass squeezing and releasing it repeatedly. He gets his index finger, grabs the tube and slathers a good amount of lube on his finger before gently easing it into Bucky. Bucky hisses at the intrusion but relaxes after a few seconds. He pumps it in and out of Bucky slowly, Bucky's breath hitches. Steve adds another finger and curls it against the prostrate. Bucky gasps and moans loudly, "Ебать ..."
Steve continues to finger him and presses against it again, this time Bucky's legs are shaking. Bucky raises his ass up in the air, presenting himself to Steve unintentionally. Steve adds the third digit and watches Bucky's beautiful hole swallow them up. "God, you look beautiful." Bucky shivers at the compliment and reaches for his dick, Steve slaps his hand away from it. "No, not yet."
Bucky whines, "Come on, it's been so lo----"
"I said "No", Bucky. You have to hold it off." Steve never stops pumping his fingers in and out of his hungry hole. Bucky looks like he wants to bite something back but remains silent. "We waited for each other for over seventy years." Steve removes his fingers and picks up the lube to slather on his hard, thick cock. "A few minutes means nothing." He grabs one cheek to spread him open; he sees Bucky's hole contracting. The other hand holds on to his cock and he presses it slowing into Bucky's tight hole.
Steve holds in a groan when he waits for Bucky to adjust him, Bucky is panting hard, "Keep going."
Steve slides his cock into him till his entire cock is inside Bucky. He tries hard not come on the spot from the tight, inviting warmth. He starts to move slowly, eventually picking up some speed. He grips Bucky's hips with his hands, tight enough that he's sure there will be some bruises. Bucky is begging for release but Steve doesn't let him. Not yet. He forgot how Bucky used to sound, the little pants and cries that spilled through his beautiful lips. How he would beg Steve for more, when they made love the night before he fell. Steve falters during his thrusts into Bucky. Shit, don't think about that Steve. Bucky is too in it he doesn't notice.
He picks up his speed, hands roaming from Bucky's muscular chest down his abs. Steve fucks into Bucky's sweet hole as hard as he can. He barely hears the bed lightly creak. "Fuck, you're so tight Bucky. I missed this."
"I'm close Steve." Bucky's eyes are tightly closed. His body is slightly shaking from holding his orgasm. The 'please' is unspoken. Steve takes pity.
He fucks into Bucky faster. "Come for me, Baby."
Bucky groans as he comes hard, his desperate cock that was looking for release spills cum all over Steve's sheets. Steve doesn't want this to end, he slows down after Bucky takes a breather. He pumps into him more lazily, stroking Bucky's scars on his shoulders and where the missing limb is. He leans over to place kisses on them. He grabs Bucky's pecs and squeezes them before he presses his body into the mattress. Arms wrapped around his chest and covering his whole body on top of Bucky's now placid body.
"Come in me Steve. Mark me as yours again." Bucky says, he sounds content. Of course, he does, he got what he wanted. " Черт, я пропустил этого Стиви"
Steve listens to his past and hopefully now, forever lover. His body tightens and his cock spurts cum inside of Bucky. He holds Bucky tight to him, he's not sure if it's so none of his cum spills out of Bucky's ass or if it's fear that this isn't real, if he let's go Bucky will be gone again. After his cock is spent, he grinds himself into Bucky hard and then let's go of him. He watches his seed spill out of Bucky's puffy hole, dripping down his crack and slowly onto the sheets. He flops on his back beside Bucky's body. He's still here. Bucky's face is turned towards him but his brown locks are covering his face. He moves the hair away from his handsome face. Bright, piercing blue eyes open and stare intensely at him. He has this intoxicating look about him that comes from his beautiful eyes. I wish I was able to stare into them forever. "I love you."
Bucky looks at him for a while, Steve worries if he said something wrong, maybe this was just sex nothing more. Thoughts of doubt sweep through his head, when he feels the cold feeling of metal touch his furrowed brows. "Stop thinking so hard," Bucky says softly. "I love you too. Till the end of the line, right?"
Steve takes the metal hand in his hand and kisses it in the middle of the palm softly. Bucky smiles, for a second he is a taken back when he sees a glimpse of the old James Bucky Barnes. This one in front of him is still him, different but still him. He's still here.
"Sorry it took so long to say it back, not this moment but since I got most of memories back." He looks at his hand that is still held by Steve, "It took me too long to realize it's you. It's always been you, Steve. God help me, Steve. It's never been anyone else but you."
Steve let's go of the hand and leans over towards him. His insistent lips find Bucky's pink, full lips. Bucky does the same to Steve with a fervent urgent need he hasn't felt in a very long time. He grabs Steve's long light blonde, dark brown long hair. After the battle with Thanos Steve wanted to grow it long again. Bucky absolutely loves it this way and tangles his metal hand into it. They spend several minutes getting re-familiar with each other's mouths again, Steve pulls away. He pecks a quick kiss to Bucky's lips and then forehead. "You're the only one I need Buck."
Bucky let's out a happy chuckle and smiles.
Meanings:
Ебать - "Fuck"
Черт, я пропустил этого Стиви - "Damn, I missed that Stevie."