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Lately, I've been having the same dream.
When I open my eyes, I'd find myself standing in front of STARRY. There's a sign posted on the door at the bottom of the stairs: "CLOSED" — but when I'd look down at my phone's clock, it should have been well within business hours. And in front of me, all I could do was to stare at Nijika and the manager, each with sorrowful expressions on their faces.
"...I see... STARRY must have went out of business," I'd think, as if I was merely a fly on the wall. "This must be a dream", I'd tell myself in a daze.
But when I saw the sight of Nijika bursting out into tears as she longingly stared at the locked door... No matter how many times I told myself it was just a dream, I couldn't stand the sight of it. Please, I just want to wake up. If it has to be a dream, I want it to be one of us performing live at the Budokan. One where I'm standing on a stage surrounded by cheering and praise, and when I'd turn my back, I'd see Nijika behind me, with her brightest smile on her face. But... right now, that dream is no more than a mirage. Can I really make Nijika's dream come true? With the sight in front of me, all I could do was sit and cower in anxiety, and feel nothing but the darkness in front of me. It's only when I feel at my most powerless against the deepest of despair enveloping me, that my consciousness returned to me.
"Where... am I...?"
As my vision cleared, I found myself staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, realizing that this was Nijika's house, who must have allowed me to stay over for the night. Looking around, most of the room was occupied by Ryo's own belongings, left by her on her many visits. I was sleeping on the single space that was left for Nijika, her own bed.
"Why... am I at Nijika's house...?"
As I tried to sit up, I felt a numb pain rush through my entire body. My memory was cloudy, but I remembered that I was on my shift at STARRY, and part-way through I could feel my vision starting to blur... but I couldn't remember anything after that.
Leaving my body rested on the bed, I turned my head to my side, and found Nijika's face sitting right in front of me. Without even thinking, I took small sniffs, taking in her signature scent befitting of a typical high-school girl... she really does smell good... No, this isn't the time to be indulged in such stupid thoughts! If I can't remember what happened part-way through my shift, and Nijika is right next to me, that must mean... she must have taken me to her room after I collapsed on the job. I grew pale at the realization of how much trouble I had caused, both to Nijika and to the manager.
"Mmm... Bo-...cchi...? Bocchi, you're up?!"
"I-I'm so sorry!"
"Wha- what for?!"
"I'm sorry for not taking care of my body, I'm sorry for causing trouble to you..."
As soon as I said this to her, Nijika reassured me, "Don't worry, I'm just glad you're okay," and gently put her hand to my head.
Eh heh heh... No, feel some regret, me.
"By the way, it wasn't just today... For a while now, you've been looking more tired than usual. Did something happen?"
As she said this while patting my head, Nijika was looking fixedly at me, but... it also felt like she was looking past me, far into the distance. As if she knew that I couldn't speak my mind when I'm being stared at. To even be mindful of that... Nijika really is too kind... In that moment, visions of that same sight in my dream flash through my mind, of her face that was desperately holding back tears. Of the same nightmare I've been having. Whether it be of STARRY being shut down, or our album that we put everything into flopping in sales... no matter what kind of dream it was, it always resulted in the same thing: of Kessoku Band disbanding for good. As if each dream was a vision into my own future, a future full of failure and setbacks. But feeling Nijika's small hand, tenderly moving through my hair, I couldn't help but think such naive thoughts... that, as long as it's Nijika, maybe she'll be okay with listening to my thoughts.
"N-no, nothing happened... it's just, my body just gave out. I'm really sorry for not taking care of myself..." Still trying to dodge her questions, I shift my eyes away from Nijika. When all I do is act weird and be useless at my job, why should I tell her something so childish as getting scared over a dream? And to Nijika especially... there's no way I could tell her about STARRY getting shut down, even with the knowledge that it's just a dream.
"...No, I know that you've been working harder lately, but... I think it'd scare anyone to see you suddenly collapse on the job."
"...I caused trouble to the manager as well, I'm so sorry..."
"Onee-chan really worried about you too, you know? She got so pale, and said 'who cares about her damn shift, hurry up and get Bocchi into a bed!'" Nijika snickered as she did her best imitation of her sister. Seeing her with that lively smile, I couldn't help but feel happy too, and suddenly found the smallest of smiles on my face as well.
"But, you know..." Taking a seat on her bed, Nijika laid her hand on top of mine. "Bocchi, you look like you've been really hurting, you know?" The gloomy expression on her face contrasted against the soft warmth of her hand.
"Bocchi, I don't have the right to stop you from trying your best, but... if you're worrying about something, or hurting inside, I want to do something for you." As she said this, I saw her make the loneliest of smiles.
"Nijika... I..."
I... I don't know what to do. Whenever I feel this pain and anxiety, I let it stew inside me until it eventually fades away... but even then there are times when they come back, worse than ever. I was fine with living with that, and I never even thought that I could talk about it with anyone. But... now, Nijika is right in front of me, saying that she wants to know my feelings, that anxiety. Never having anyone to vent these feelings to before, I couldn't tell if it was okay to lay everything out so plainly. If doing so would make even Nijika feel bad. If she would get caught up in my moping, and end up hurting herself like I did. I was so scared of that, and my body froze, unable to look at Nijika in the eyes. All I could do was bring the blanket up, and bury my face in the pillow.
"...Bocchi. I want you to say anything you want to me, it's okay. I'd rather us suffer together than let you suffer alone."
I don't want Nijika to get hurt. But... she said she wanted to suffer together with me.
"Normally, I think anyone would want to hear their friends out when they're in trouble, but I don't think they'd push them to when they refuse. I'm only this persistent, because you're my precious bandmate... because you're my hero that always saves me. So once in a while, I want you to rely on me to help you too, Bocchi."
I'm... not the kind of person that Nijika just described me as. But... it really made me happy to hear that. I would never want Nijika to suffer, she's that important to me. But when she told me that she feels the exact same way towards me, I felt the nightmare that wreaked havoc in my head start to subdue. It's such a dumb nightmare that doesn't mean anything, but... I want to tell Nijika about it. I don't know what will happen once I do, but I'm sure that what awaits me will be better than what I have now.
Taking a deep breath, I look back at Nijika, and pull my mouth open.
"I had a dream."
"A dream?"
"A dream where Kessoku Band broke up, and I returned to my life of being all alone."
"..." Nijika remained silent as she listened. As she looked straight into my eyes, I looked into hers. As we did this, I let out every word, every thought stuck in my throat, and shared them with her.
"It's so dumb, isn't it. It's only a dream, I know that. But, with how I am, I can't stop myself from overthinking it."
"And, that's why you've been working harder lately?"
"I thought that if I just got better, all these insecurities would wash away. When I play guitar, I don't have the time to be thinking about these things anyways."
"...I won't abandon you, Bocchi. Neither will Ryo, or Kita. It'll be okay."
Looking into her eyes, I could tell that she wasn't only saying that to make me feel better. And I know that Kessoku Band will never break up, no matter what. Because every one of us threw everything to the side to form this band, to make our dreams come true. But...
"I know that... I know all of that, but... I'm still scared. I won't allow it."
"Allow it?"
"It's inevitable that I'd return to being alone. That's just the kind of person I am. But... Nijika, just the thought of letting your dream go unfulfilled... I can't stand it."
The day when we performed our first show as Kessoku Band, when Nijika opened up her feelings to me and counted on me to make her dream come true, she gave me the courage to step forward. So... the thought of her dream going unfulfilled... I never want her to hear that, even if it was only a dream.
"You found me when I was all alone and let me into your band, you made my dream come true."
"You always look out for every one of us."
"Even though you're busy being in our band, you still think of your sister and take care of the chores at your home."
"So the thought of making someone that kind suffer... it's too painful to even think."
"Bocchi..."
"When I first met you at that park, I was thinking about how I wanted to quit school."
"..."
"I didn't have any friends, I had no place to belong in school... despite all the practicing I did on the guitar, it never amounted to anything, and I was just on the verge of quitting. But... it was right then when you found me, Nijika. You became my friend, and formed your band with me. Ryo, Kita, the manager, and Onee-san. I was able to meet all of them... My whole world up to then was confined to my closet. No one outside of it had any interest in me, and the outside world was filled with nothing but things that scared me. But before I knew it, it was you that opened up my world, and taught me that even I could have fun out there."
Pushing through the pain in my body, I sat up and stared straight into Nijika's eyes.
"Everything that I have today... It was you who gave me all of it. So now... Now I want to give something to you. I want you to use every part of me to make your dream come true!"
Before I knew it, tears started rushing out like a broken dam, and I lowered my gaze. I couldn't stop myself before I spilled everything I had kept secret. What kind of face is Nijika making now? I'm so scared, I can't look up. Nijika called me a hero... If someday I really become one, if I'm someday able to make someone's dream come true... maybe there's meaning to why I tried so hard. But for as much as I think that, there's another part of me that says that that's just impossible for me. My tears trickled down my face, staining the bed with circular marks. The coldness they left on my cheeks stung like a bee sting.
"...Bocchi... I love you when you do your best, no matter what."
Defenseless against my tears and sobbing, I couldn't stop shaking, and I found myself wrapped up in Nijika's arms.
"I love how cool and good you are when playing guitar."
"I love looking at my guitarhero's back when we're playing a show."
"I love how you try so hard to make us happy, even when you're misguided."
"I love your cute face, even when you try to hide it."
"...And I love you when you give it your all to make my dream come true."
"Nijika...?"
Nijika spoke these words to me like how a mother would soothe her child.
"So, do you get it now? Bocchi, there's so, so many things that I love about you. You may have been in that tiny closet, but inside it, I know that you've always been trying your best, all on your own."
As she kept me enveloped in her hug, Nijika started telling me of her own memories. Of when I first met her, back when she didn't know I was guitarhero. And before I knew it, the stinging pain left by my tears faded away, replaced by the warmth of Nijika's embrace.
"The truth is, the day I first met you, I was feeling anxious too." Holding me close to her chest, I couldn't see the face she was making at that moment. But I could still hear her voice starting to tremble the tiniest bit.
"That first performance should've been the first step to my dream, but we were already a bandmate down. Ah, but I don't blame Kita for any of this, okay? It was our fault for not making sure in the first place."
"Ah- of course."
"...At that rate, there was no way I could be as popular as my sister once was... I was crushed under the weight of that thought."
"But it was at that moment, that I found a certain Bocchi, with that guitar case over her back. I really forced you into things back then, didn't I? I'm really sorry about that."
"...No, not at all..."
Before I knew it, I wrapped my arms around Nijika's body as well. I realized that I'm not the only one who's burdened with anxiety. Even Nijika, the person who always encourages and cheers me on, has her moments of unease just like me. Realizing that, I felt the need to soothe that anxiety, even just a little, and eventually found my hands rubbing her back.
"...Bocchi..."
"Ah-I-I-I'm sorry, that was painful, wasn't it?" I tried taking my arms off her back, but she caught them and restrained their movement.
"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt. Thank you, Bocchi..."
Lightly patting my back, Nijika opened her mouth and continued speaking. "Thanks to your help, we were able to overcome every one of our performances. Our audition, our first show together... All of it was thanks to your help."
"I-I wouldn't go that far..."
"No, I'm really grateful to you, Bocchi. You helped me, and saved Kessoku Band. It's only because you were found back then, that I'm able to be here today."
"Before I found you, you were always doing your best. Thank you, Bocchi. Thank you so, so much for being found by me."
"Thank you for being found by me"...somehow, she ended up stealing that line straight from my mouth. Even though it was Nijika who happened to find me at that park, Nijika who called out to me. Even though I wanted to say all this, my trembling mouth couldn't do as I told it to. I should've already exhausted my tears, but... hearing Nijika say all this, I could feel them welling up again. I didn't know it was possible to shed tears from such kind, tender, and warm words. I've cried countless times from pain, sadness, and loneliness, but this was the first time that I was crying out of happiness. I didn't know what was happening to me. All I knew was that I didn't want to show Nijika such a tear-soaked face — so I tightened my hold around her back.
"So from now on, let's do our best together, okay? I don't want you to make my dream come true, I want to make my dream come true with you, Bocchi."
Even as I tried to tighten my hold around her, Nijika was able to push herself far enough to see my face.
"Wha- Bocchi, you're crying again?!"
"N-no, i-it's different this time... These aren't sad tears anymore..."
I didn't know why I was red-faced & crying again, but I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling sad anymore. I'm not good with my words, but I know that I need to answer to the feelings that Nijika gave to me.
"This is a first for me, so I'm not too sure, but... what you said made me so happy, that, I, um..."
Listening to my stuttering, Nijika whispered "...I see", and raised her hand to my head again. "Phew, I thought I made you cry for a second." It was embarrassing, but seeing Nijika joke around like that soothed me inside.
"But still, saying 'I want to give you every part of me'... That sounds a bit like a proposal, don't you think?", Nijika says with the cat-eyes that sometimes appears on her face. Now that I think about it, I went with the flow and said whatever felt right, but it ended up sounding too dramatic.
"Uuu... I'm sorry for daring to be so pushy... Ah, I receive some advertising money from my guitarhero videos, so please accept that as payment..."
"There's no way I'd take that from you!!!" Nijika retorted.
"...So Bocchi, are you okay now?"
"Y-yes! I won't be afraid of any nightmares anymore!"
Hearing this, Nijika smiled at me. "That's the spirit, Bocchi!" Smiles really do suit Nijika the best.
"...When my dream comes true, I don't want to see anyone's back but yours in front of me, strumming your guitar with your best performance ever. So, please don't overwork yourself, okay, Bocchi?"
Nijika came closer and leaned into me, resting her head in my chest. Ever since I heard her dream, I knew that I wanted to bring her to that dream's end; because it was the least I could do to thank her for worrying & caring about someone like me. But now, I know better: it's not out of thanks. Because, as the two of us, we're going to make both of our dreams come true. From now on, no matter what, with the support of Nijika's drums, I'll always continue to strum my guitar with my best performance yet.
"Y-yes, I'll be okay! No matter what, I will never leave your sight! I will always stay by your side, from now on!"
Nijika raised her head, surprised by my sudden loud voice. In that moment, with our gazes met eye-to-eye, Nijika laughed. "That really does sound like a proposal!"
Lost in the sight of her smile, and unable to think about anything else, I laughed too.
"It really did, didn't it?"