Archive of Our Own

"Your employer is waiting for me to determine if it's safe to let you get back to work"

Maya heard the words as if they were coming through a wall of water. She expected to feel rage, anger, resentment or even just despair. Instead she felt numb. For a moment she wishfully thought she was watching someone else life from the side. How did it came to that? How is this her life now?

Diane stood there, waiting for Maya's respond. Maya knew what Diane expected. They all thought they knew Maya so well. She expected Maya to protest about it but eventually to surrender to it. After all, what other choices did she have?

For a split second Maya considered going with the flow. She was so tired of fighting. It would be so much easier to just surrender. Let them win, to lose voluntary, to agree to therapy. It will make everyone happy, Ross can win, Sullivan will continue to be sure he is invincible, Andy will be relieved she doesn't need to worry about her any more, and Carina… No she wasn't going to think about it now.

Everyone will be happy right? She already lost everything that matter anyway, she can at least make them happy, right? What more does she have to lose anyway?

Yet, than she heard it. His voice in her head. He was screaming at her telling her what a waste of space she was, that she was stupid, a loser, that she was worth nothing and worse. And it made Maya smiled.

Maya noticed the confusion on Diane's face. She knew she noticed her smile and didn't understand what was going on in Maya's head. However, Maya didn't care. No one ever understood her to begin with. It was a nostalgic memory that she treasured, and it gave Maya clarity. It was as if the fog that surrounded her since she was forcefully admitted in the hospital dissipated. She finally knew what she needed to do.

"Well this is your lucky day," She finally responded to Diane. "You just got a free day." She continued beaming at her. It was a good feeling to finally find her way, to understand what her next goal should be. She was lost for too long, it was time to reclaim her life. Watching the confusion on Diane's face was a nice bonus. Knowing that a person that was so good at reading and anticipating other people was surprised by her reaction just helped enhanced her self-esteem.

"What do you mean by that Bishop?" Diane tried again walking toward Maya as if to establish a closer connection. "They won't let you back, not even on desk duty, before I'll clear you." She made sure to point out.

Maya was wondering if Diane felt the need to say the obvious since she was told Maya wasn't mentally well, or if she was just in disbelief that Maya will endanger her career. Maya almost laugh at her own thought. What career?

"I am aware," she decided to amuse Diane a bit. "I have no intention of returning anyway, so your services aren't required." She turned away from Diane, suddenly regretting the idea of even letting her in. She was exhausted, and just wanted a few quite hours of rest before she will build her future plan, but now Diane will insist on answers. "The door is right there," she pointed in the direction. "Please close it behind you on your way out." And with those words she started walking toward her bedroom. She needed a clipboard from her closet.   

Maya hoped Diane will leave, but she knew better than to expect it. And indeed, she heard Diane's footsteps following her into her bedroom. So she stopped and turned around giving Diane a questioning look.

"How close are the clouds?" Diane asked worryingly.

Maya stared at her for a second, not following Diane's thinking process. Why asking about the clouds? How were the clouds connected to this?

"Clouds?" She decided to ask back. "What do you means?"

Diane stared at her and looked intensely at her face, as if she was searching for something. Maya stared back, if Diane wanted to play chicken she will find out Maya wasn't an easy competition.  A few seconds passed like that before Diane visually relaxed. It seemed whatever it is she noticed on Maya's face was good enough to quell her worries.

"You are quitting SFD?" She asked in a guarded tune, still trying to assess Maya.

"Yes. Tell Ross she can start looking for a replacement, she will have my resignation letter on her desk tomorrow morning. Oh, wait never mind. They already have a replacement." She chuckled.

"Is this why you are leaving? You feel they don't appreciate you anymore?" Diane asked while lifting her right eyebrow, as if scolding Maya for letting such a petty reason make her leave. Maya looked at her in disbelief. Do they really think so little of her? Were people really that blind to everything that happened to her?

"No." She answered firmly. "If I wanted to leave because of that, I would have walked away 2.5 years ago." She answered bitterly.

"When the demotion happened," said Diane with a smirk. Maya bitten her lower lips in frustration. She walked right into this one. She knew she should have insisted that Diane will leave immediately.

"This is irrelevant now. You know where the door is. Goodbye." She turned her back to Diane and walked toward her closet, she had stuff to do.

"So you deciding to leave have nothing to do with the demotion?" Diane asked in an innocent voice.

Maya contemplated her options for a few seconds. It was obvious Diane won't just walk away without some answers, and Maya didn't have the emotional power needed for a mental struggle with Diane right now. Also, she is leaving anyway, so there was no harm is telling her that.

"No." She turned back toward Diane. Surprising the doctor with her agreement to answer the question. "The demotion just help me see that I should have left a long time ago."

Diane looked at Maya sharply. It seems Maya was full of surprises today. "When should you have left?" She asked eventually.

"The day I became aware of my team's response to my promotion to Captain." Maya answered truthfully.

Diane sat on Maya's bed and turned to her. "So you believe all of this is because of your team not appreciating you…" She started, only to be stopped by Maya raising her hand in a stop motion. Maya knew what Diane was trying to do. She didn't thought Maya was serious, or that she thought that if she would drag Maya into a discussion she could change her mind. It didn't matter. Maya knew better. She went to her closet and took a clipboard from the second shelf. The one where Carina used to hold her… Not thinking about it.

Maya put a block of papers into her clipboard and grab a pen. She wanted to grab her colored pens to build a color coded plan, but she will wait until Diane will leave.

"No." She turned back to Diane with her clipboard waiting. "All of this is my fault. I am aware of it." She hold the clipboard between them and started to write.

"So, you are leaving because you messed up? I didn't think you are a quitter Bishop." Diane was obviously trying to provoke her. She was also trying to see what Maya was writing on her clipboard, but both efforts were in vain.

"I am leaving because they broke the first rule of firefighting." She answered tiredly. Honestly she was willing to tell Diane everything if it will make her leave. She was too tired for that.

"Never to leave a team member behind." Diane said with understanding in her voice. "Maya, you knew how this goes, when the alarm goes off…" She started only to stop. "I am sorry, it isn't my place to justify the team. You have every right to feel the way you do." She apologized.

"I am not talking about this time. Honestly, I am not sure when the first time they left me alone was." Maya exhaled, she hated that talking about her emotions stuff, but she needed to get rid of Diane and giving her this truth was the fastest way. "I think I was so focus on running fast and reaching first to wherever we needed that I just assumed the team was running with me. I didn't understand we ran separately, and just had the same destination."

Diane looked at her shocked. She wasn't expecting Maya to be so open. Yet, Maya obviously had more to say.

"You never leave a team member behind. Never leave them alone, and you always go back to them. I mean I went back for Sullivan. I would have go back for Ross and even Beckett after everything he did to me. Yet, not even one of 19 even slowed down to check on me. They broke the code. More than once. They will break it again. And this time I might be trapped in a burning building. No thank you."

"You don't trust them to have your back." Diane respond, understanding the blonde's point of view.

"Why should I?" Maya answered back. "They never had it in the past."

"This is how you feel now. I am sure it isn't accurate, and I am sure they are sorry about it. You can work on it." Diane tried to reach out for Maya. "I am sure they will want to fix it."

"They will? Maybe. However, I don't. I am done." Diane could tell that Maya was unmoving about this.

"You could transfer to a different team in SFD." Diane mentioned. She still hoped to soften Maya's decision.

"You expect me to trust a Chief that kept a drunk Captain on the job just so she can keep her love affair with a subordinate a secret?" Maya gave Diane an unimpressed look.

Diane knew better than to dive into this debate. She wanted Maya to open up not to get her upset.

"Will you apply to a different fire department, in a different city?" She asked, trying to understand Maya's future plans.

"No. If I can't trust my own family," she said rolling her eyes on the word family. "I don't have much hopes for complete strangers." She finished her sentence. "Don't worry about me. I have enough saving from the commercials I did after the Olympic for a lifetime. I never worked for the money." Maya smirked. Most people didn't even realize that about her.

"Then why did you join the fire academy and became a firefighter?" Asked Diane.

Maya looked at the words written on her clipboard and smiled. She looked back toward Diane before she gave her the last, yet most important answer. "Because I could."

"Can you elaborate?" Asked Diane.

"No." Maya answered truthfully. This was way too personal to explain. No one knew about this and she had full intentions to keep it this way. "Besides," She continued gesturing toward Diane. "I am no longer a member of SFD, so I am no longer under your care. You don't need to worry about me. Go spend the day with your kids." Maya waved Diane toward the door.

"Maybe I want to worry about you, regardless of the job," Diane tried again.

"Maybe I am not interested in that." Maya answered coldly. "Please leave now. This is my house and no member of SFD is welcome here anymore."

Diane stood up. She gave Maya one last sad look and went. Maya looked at her clipboard and read the words that was written there "You are nothing." Then she started to laugh.

-----

Diane entered her car and sat there for a few minutes processing. The meeting was anything but expected. She was sure Maya will be closed off and will refuse to open up, but she thought she will want to do whatever it takes to get back to work, and will eventually open up.

She was extremely worried about Maya and what she might do next. The reports she had on Maya self-destructing for the last year were bad, and she knew her teammates were worried and full of guilt. Maya refusing to try and mend the relationship with them will be hard for them. Yet, as bad as it sounded they weren't her main priority. Maya mental state was bad, and Diane needed to act fast. However, there was little she could do if Maya chooses to resign.

Diane didn't want to leave Maya's house, but she knew Maya said all she was willing to at the time. Her walls were so high, much higher than the first time she meet her, and Diane wondered if Maya would have called the cops if Diane had refused to leave. She needed someone to break thought Maya's wall, and she suspected there were only two people that might have the power to even try. So she started the engine and drove to station 19.

-----

Maya still remembered that day in London. After she won, after the podium, after the doctor checked her leg and informed her that her career as a professional athlete was over. She stood there holding the crutches for 15 minutes while her father was screaming his lungs out telling her how unworthy she was that she ruined everything he worked so hard to build all those years. He called her almost every bad word that existed in the English vocabulary. And in the end he told her that now she was no one important. She was nothing. Then he went.

She stood there and cried. People passed next to her, noticing she was crying. Most ignored her, uncaring or not knowing how to react. Some congratulated her, thinking she was crying from joy over the medal. Others try to console her, knowing about her leg and thinking she cried about the end of her career. Few that witness her father's outburst tried to cheer her up that he didn't mean it. They were wrong of course.

However, no one understood her. She wasn't joyful crying, nor was she crying from pain or sadness. The tears were out of relief. Despite what she told everyone – she didn't win that day despite her bad ankle. She won due to it. She won the biggest thing in her life, and the one thing she wanted since she could remember herself. She won her freedom.

Her father's words didn't hurt her. They gave her hope. She was nobody. She was nothing. Which means no one had claims over her, no one forced thing on her, she was in control. That day, standing there with hope in her hearth she made herself a promise. No one was taking the control on her life away from her anymore. And she kept this promise.

They went back home with the news about her brother. And she went to a trip to Nepal to clear her head and decide about her life. Her brother was long gone once she got back home, so the first thing she did was thanking the first responder that saved his life – Lt. Pruitt Herrera of station 19. They had a long conversation that day, about life saving and fires. Yet, one thing he told her struck a chord with her.

"Fire," Lt. Herrera said, "can't really be controlled. We try to contain it. We cut its supplies and try to chock it, but one wrong move and it is back again to full power. Know this – the only one in control in such a situation is the fire itself." That day she signed to the academy. She knew what she wanted to be in her life. She wanted to be the fire.

The fact that her father hated the idea was a bonus. She didn't lie to Diane. She just didn't tell her the whole truth. She joined the academy since she could. She was in control of her life. She made the decisions. Her father protested, but she did as she wanted, and in the end he bragged about it anyway, so he let it go.

In all the years that followed, Maya learned a lot, achieved a lot, and lost a few times. Yet, she always made sure to protect her most treasured prize. The one she worked the hardest to achieved, and the one she sacrificed the most for. Her control over her own life.

And then came the demotion.

Even when Maya's team turned against her when she was promoted, she still maintained control. Or so she thought at the time. So, while she hated losing her friends she could still live with it. She had her control, and not long after she had Carina too. She was even starting to get her friends back and proved her worth as Captain. Maya thought she was in a good place. She was gaining even more control over her life. And then she learned she never really had control over her career to begin with.

Looking back, she knew she was stupid to work in a ranked environment and expect to maintain her control. She just naively believed that the protocols and rules are what matters, and not the desires and fears of the people in the higher ranks.

She should have left right then, the moment she understood it. She should have preserved her control. However, she was still fascinated with fire, she still prospered from saving lives, and she had Carina to keep her distracted. Yet, mostly, she hoped it was a onetime thing. A mistake. A singular exception, and that once McCallister will be dealt with – order will be restored. Then came Ross and destroyed that dream as well.

Maya can’t figure out why she didn't left then. She was losing more and more control every day, and it was as if she didn't even notice. The blackmailed was a poor attempt to regain some control over the situation, but that backfire on her badly, making her loss all control in her work. However, by then she knew that she can't leave without letting them win, and her ego didn't let her do that. She had control for 10 years by then, she forgot how hard it was to get it. She forgot her promise.

Yet, it was eating her alive. Living with no control in her work. The rage, the hopelessness, it made her life hell. And at home, trying and failing to get pregnant. Maya shook her head. How did she ever agree to that? She should have predicted how out of control that will be. Maya felt like she was spinning. Everything was crushing her. She refused to tell Carina about work, since it was one of the only things she still had control over. At least until Beckett took that away from her too.

Maya wasn't angry at Carina for what she said on the roof, or for everything she did afterward.  For start, Maya did much worse, but mainly because Carina was right. Maya created chaos. At the beginning of their relationship, it took Maya time to understand why she and Carina could almost read each other out. But, once she learned about Carina's family it was clear. They had the same trauma. They both grow up with zero control over their lives, both gain full control over their lives later on and refused to ever let it go.

So Maya knew she was the one in the wrong, since by trying to maintain some of her own control she took away Carina's control. She was sorry for doing it and she hated to hurt her wife this way. Yet, she couldn't stop, since she needed to maintain at least a fraction of control in at least one aspect of her life. Yet, with Carina knowing and the team cutting her off, the only thing she still had control over was her own body. So she did the only thing she could do – she control it. She overcome pain, exhaustion and any other limitation her body provided. She was the one in control over her own body, it nothing else.

And then Carina took that away from her as well.

In the first couple of hours lying in the hospital bed she couldn't stop wondering if this was Carina's way of punishing her for taking away Carina's control. Eventually she dismissed that thought. Carina wasn't that cruel. Unlike others, Carina knew. She understood what she was taking away from Maya at the time. Hence, Carina knew why Maya was screaming at her and throwing an ultimatum in her face. Maya was trying to get some control, some tiny crumble of control.

Yet, Carina refused to give her that.

It took Maya a full day to admit to herself that it wasn't a punishment. Carina knew the meaning of her action. She knew the depth of destruction Maya will feel. No. Carina did it since she honestly believed it was the only way to save Maya's life. And Maya had to admit that she was probably right.

Still, understanding her motives didn't ease the pain, anger, the betrayal. Maya knew her words were true. They were done. Carina took away the only thing Maya was willing to pay everything to maintain – her freedom to make her own decision. She will never be able to forgive that action as good intention as it was.

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

No. She wasn't thinking about this.

Maya shook her head and took her clipboard in her hands. She learned her lesson the hard way. No more losing control for anyone ever again. She started her list of how to regain control over her life.

She quit her job, so that was one control she gain back. She wrote letter of dismissal as the first item. She needed to write it first thing in the morning and have it handled to Ross. It will probably made her day, but Maya didn't care anymore.

Calling a lawyer was the second item in her list. As long as she and Carina were married, Carina could use that bond to try and force decisions on Maya. Carina already proven herself untrusted in such situation, so Maya had no intention to let her attempt something like that a second time.

POA was third in her list. Every POA have some power over her. She needed to consult the lawyer how she can cancel it completely. She will leave well documented list of demands and the doctor will follow them. No one else should be able to decide about her, even if she wasn't conscious.

What next? Maya was trying to think. She needed to finish the list. By tomorrow evening she wanted to regain full control over her life. No one will ever be able to make decisions for her against her own will. Ever.

It was hard to think, since Maya head was pounding. She sat on her bed with the clipboard at hand and considered a small nap to re-energize herself. Maya lay down in her bed, in her house, where her stuff was organized according to her desire. She closed her eyes with satisfied smirk. She was one step closer to be on the right truck.

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

have you be alive

No! She was not going to think about it.

----

Diane reached the station and was glad to find both Andy and Vic near the reception desk.

"Diane! Great to have you here today" said Vic. "What can we do for you?"

"I went to meet Maya today," Answered Diane. She could immediately see the guilt on Vic face, but was much more concerned from the hopeful look on Andy's face. She was counting on Andy, to be able to break Maya's walls. Yet, Andy's was the one looking hopefully at Diane, which means they were both unable to reach Maya.

"Did you know she is resigning from service?" Diane had a hunch, but she asked anyway, just to be sure.

"What?!" "No!" "Are you kidding me?!" Andy, Vic and Jack that was apparently listening from across the hall answered simultaneously. Diane made a mental note to check on Jack and get him back to at least weekly therapy. But she will do it later. She needed to focus on Maya now.

"Andy, you knew Maya at the academy, right?" Diane needed to understand something.

"Yes," Andy hesitated a bit before answering, probably worried about hurting her friend's trust.

"Do you know why she decided to register to the academy and become a firefighter?" She asked. Something in Maya's answered didn't sit well with her.

"She was always fascinated by fire," said Andy. "From the first day we meet, she couldn't stop talking about the fact that fire can't be controlled, that you must starve it to contain it." She lifted both hands in the air in a surrender gesture. "I never really asked her. I just assumed she was a fire geek."

Diane sigh. That didn't really help her. "She told me today that she registered to the academy and became a firefighter because she could. Do you know what that means? That 'she could'?!" She gave Andy a piercing look, almost praying that she will have the answer. However Andy just shook her head sadly.

"I am sorry Diane, I have no idea---" Andy started before a different voice was heard.

"I know what this means," Carina said, entering the reception from the Clinic area. "Is she serious about quitting?" She asked Diane. Diane just nodded her head. Bishop wasn't joking around earlier that was for sure. "Then you better sit down," Carina said. "It will take some time to explain."

-----

Maya lay down on her bed and tried to sleep. She knew she needed to sleep, but her mind refused to turn itself off. She already added 3 more items to her list, but that wasn't why she couldn't sleep. She just couldn't get that voice out of her head.

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

have you be alive

have you be alive

have you be alive

Maya knew that that was her real punishment. Not the forced hospitalized, not Carina walking away. It was these words that hunt her. That will hunt her till her last day. Because no matter how much control she will reclaim over her life, the fact that she was alive to begin with, will from now on always be because of Carina. No matter what Maya will do, as long as she is breathing Carina will always have the control over her. She will never be free, since the most important choice – the choice to live, was taken away from her, was forced upon her by Carina.

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

Maya turned in bed again. She needed the voice to be silenced. She wanted to sleep. Her eyes landed on the pills' bottle that stood on her nightstand. The sleeping pills Teddy prescribed so she can sleep. Maya hated pills. They made her feel foggy. But she needed to sleep. Maya went to the kitchen and filled a glass with water. She will take one pill and go to sleep. Tomorrow she will reclaim her life as best as she can.

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

No. She is not thinking about it.

-----

"So it is all about control?" Diane wanted to clarify.

"Si," answered Carina. "She will do almost anything to maintain her control. She is lost without it." They were both sitting in Andy's bunk with Andy. The rest left back to do their chores, since Carina refused to talk about Maya in front of them.

"But when you had her forcedly hospitalized…" started Andy.

"Si," Carina sighed. "I know what I did. She will probably never forgive me for it, but I couldn't watch her killing herself anymore just to prove she has control over her body." She wiped away the single tear that escaped her eyes, and took a big breath. She wasn't going to loss control now.

"So you took away the control she has over her body?" Diane asked in a neutral voice.

"What was I supposed to do? Let her kill herself?" Carina asked desperately. "She refused to listen, refused therapy. I was running out of options."

"No one is blaming you." Diane clarify immediately. "I am just trying to understand what is going on with her."

"She was trying to gain control, so she tortured her own body just to prove that she can handle it," said Carina. "She would have killed herself just to prove that she is in control. So I took it away from her. I forced her to live." She swallowed a sob. Knowing that Maya probably hates her for it.

Andy swallowed hard. She felt guilty for not being there earlier, before it came to it. She decided to take the focus away from Carina for a few seconds, to let her regained her composure. "Why is she quitting? She loves being a firefighter." Said Andy. "How is it a matter of control?" she directed her question toward Diane. Failing to understand.

"She said she doesn't trust any on you to have her back and she refuses to die in a fire just because you will choose to leave her behind." Answered Diane. She wasn't going to sugarcoat it to them.

Andy's face show exactly how heartbroken she was from hearing it.

"She told you that?" Asked an astonished Carina.

"Yes, and way too easily. Which makes me think that while it was the truth it wasn't all of it." Answered Diane.

"What do you mean?" Asked a confused Andy.

"There was a matter of control here too. If she wanted back she would have being forced into therapy." Diane stopped for a second organizing her thought. "And I am sure that part play a rule too, but still she talked to me today. She could have thrown me out immediately. Why didn't she?"

The 3 of them sat there quietly. Thinking. Trying to understand.

"She was distracting you," said a panicked Carina. She stood up. She had a feeling. Something wasn't well. Maya was distracting Diane. But why? If she was quitting what did she have to hide?

Diane stood up as well. She knew Carina was right. No one knew Maya better than Carina. All 3 women stare at each other before turning and storming out of the station.

---------

Maya lay in her bed, still unable to sleep. She already swallowed two pills in an attempt to hurry their effect. However, her mind still refused to stop.

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

I'd rather lose you and have you be alive

She wanted to rip her hair out, or her ears. She couldn't hear that voice anymore. She needed it to shut up. She got up and in a burst of frustration ripped apart her entire list of items how to regain control over her life. It was useless. She will never have full control over her life anymore. Carina made sure of that. And it was killing her.

Her entire life she hoped and longed to have full control over her life. As a kid the only thing that kept her going was the uncontrollable clouds and hope for the future. When things became hard later in life she had the memories of full control and the hope to one day regain it. Now she lost this hope.

Carina. The one person in the world that actually loved her the most, and that she loved desperately. The only one that fully understood her. Carina was the only one that was actually able to take control away from her forever, without hope of ever regaining it. She can divorce her, cancel her POA over her, move to a different country and never meet her again in her life. It won't matter. Carina was the only one that forced her to live. As long as Maya is alive, Carina will always hold this power over her.

And maybe that was the plan all alone. Maybe this way Carina will never really loss Maya completely.

Maya felt like a caged animal, she was so frustrated. She sat back on the bed when the drugs made her feel foggy for a second, as if she was walking thought a cloud.

How close are the clouds?

Well at least it was a different voice now, Maya thought with a bit of relief. Yet, suddenly Diane's question made sense.

The clouds could be close. They can be very close, and they were uncontrollable. A new insight washed over Maya all of a sudden. Clouds are even less controllable than fire. Could it be? It is possible she got it all wrong? Can it be that easy? Maybe instead of wanting to be the fire she should have tried to be the clouds. No one could control her this way. Not even Carina.

Maya grabbed her clipboard there was something she needed to do.

----

Diane was driving as fast as she could toward Maya's apartment. The moment she got there Andy and Carina were out of the car even before she was able to kill the engine. She ran after them as fast as she could with her injured leg. She was right at the door when she heard the scream. Carina's almost inhuman scream of grief.

As she entered the bedroom Andy was doing CPR while also calling for an aid-car over her phone, but it was obviously of no used. Maya's body was unresponsive. The empty sleeping pill bottle on the nightstand left little to the imaginary. And judging from Maya's body color and temperature it was obvious they were at least 20 minutes too late. Maya probably swallowed the entire bottle a few minutes after Diane left her house.

"No she couldn't," said Carina in a broken voice. "She was supposed to be alive. I gave her up so she could at least stay alive. She couldn't…" she continued to cry out, mumbling in Italian "I took that decision away from her. I told her. I told her I'd rather lose you and have you be alive! That wasn't supposed to happen!"

Diane's hearth broke for Carina she was about to try and comfort her a bit when her eyes landed on the words written on Maya clipboard. "Winston Churchill?" She read out load. "What does that mean?"

"Oh my god" Andy cried out hearing Diane words. "Maya always loved that speech".

"Which one?" asked Diane.

"We are the masters of our own fate."

Fin.