Chapter Text
This was getting out of hand- had been out of hand.
His studies, his work, they weren't yet suffering but he could feel the strain when the papers were in front of him, his shaky hands wrapped around his writing tool and having to reign in his mind in a way completely new to him.
He had always indulged in his work, his studies, whatever else: that was the distraction. To have a distraction from the distraction was a new process, and one he wasn't entirely fond of.
Naoto understood this, at a logical level. It was human development, something that near everyone would find themselves grappling with. The hormonal changes that came with budding adulthood and the primal search for a proper mate, the urge to procreate- it was a simple concept that kept every species alive. And yet there was still a blockade in place that kept him from truly comprehending it in a more emotional sense. An applicable one.
The words of old textbooks and diagrams they'd been shamefully given in junior high felt so far away from his own life, not to mention how until previously, Naoto's own relationship with his body was about as intricate as mapping out his periods, and nothing else. His sexuality was even worse, a word he had never identified with or anywhere even close to, something that simply would not be in his life.
A relationship, commitment to another, experiencing the act of sex, marriage, children- it just wasn't in his fortune.
The evidence was there from his birth. Naoto would always shy away from the mention- Not for fear, but genuine lack of interest. Even as a kid who still had both parents around, the pair watching as their child's attention span was spent when some kiddie movie would venture into dreamy romantic territory, finding literally anything else to pay attention to (usually his parents' case files).
And that was simply the way it was going to be.
It'd be easier, without someone else to weigh him down, another soul to share the burdens of this path he had chosen in his life.
Naoto could and would walk the Earth alone- that really was what he thought.
Cue, Kanji Tatsumi.
The delinquent boy had been relentless in his action of wiggling his way past Naoto's previously impenetrable fortress, and in doing so, made Naoto rethink everything.
Even the thought of the boy made the detective soften visually, his previously quirked brow easing and a more relaxed expression on his face. He leaned in on his palm at his work desk, studies underneath him quickly forgotten.
Naoto first started to doubt his views on romance when he first felt those arms wrapped around him, his mind still in a confusing mush as it grappled with everything his Shadow had just revealed, and moreso the fact that this collective of people had put themselves into danger just to help him. It was only a fleeting thought, a question that hid itself among millions of others when Kanji swept his smaller body up and cradled it with the softest of embraces, worry across his and the rest of the team's faces.
"Maybe there is more that I am denying", Naoto had wondered as his eyes fixated on Kanji, shortly before unconsciousness claimed him.
From then on, during nights spent staring at the sterilized ceiling of the hospital and wondering why it was that they all- Kanji especially- made it an effort to visit or contact him continuously, he tried to shove the thought down and pretend it was simply never there. If he never articulated it, then it may disappear- after all, that had worked so well on all of his other problems.
And then, the Tatsumi boy meandered his way into his hospital room nearly every day, the nurses looking to the oversized student with furrowed brows as he plopped down in the seat beside Naoto's given bed. Apparently, he had even ventured here the first few days afterwards, when the detective was still unconscious from overextertion. The concept confused him greatly, having assumed it was because they wished to discuss the case, uncertain why the group would want his presence otherwise.
On his nightly visit, Kanji would chat with Naoto as much as he could, corral him into a conversation if the detective let him- or sat in a silence that was not entirely uncomfortable if the blue-haired couldn't be bothered to speak at the time. It was a weird experience, but once he left, Naoto found himself hating the silence for one of the first times in his life. He found himself wondering if tomorrow the boy would show up again, wondering why he would- and like clockwork, Kanji always would.
By the time Naoto was finally discharged from the hospital, his wounds sewn up carefully with a newfound scar stretching from one of his hips in a straight line to the other, he was uncertain of himself in a way he hadn't been before.
The months afterwards, used to his attention carefully placed on this case and nowhere else, unable to stop himself from wandering into this new and forbidden territory- the uncertainty only worsened. He barely felt like himself, spacey and even jumpy at times, finding himself staring back to Kanji in the way that the student would constantly do to him, when he thought Naoto wasn't looking.
In his confusion, Naoto tried to approach Kanji more often, bring the faux-blonde into a conversation as a guise, his true goal to collect clues on what he was feeling, why he was so off-kilter around the other. As a detective, he was determined to figure this out in the same emotionless, clinic mental state he had to take cases on with- he may not be able to, otherwise, these troublesome emotions and matching physical sensations all but promising an interference.
It was a hopeless situation, only finding himself stuck deeper in this weird, emotional rut.
Eventually, with a jumbled up, confusing confession and a blue, stuffed cat, impossibly finite details hand-sewn into it and a familiar replica of a navy blue hat between its two triangular ears, Naoto caved.
He still didn't know what he felt, lost in these feelings he didn't understand but choked him up. But Naoto decided he would let this happen, if only to discertain what he was missing. He would give the concept of romance a chance.
And it had been nicer than he had ever thought it could be.
He felt stupid, thinking back on the movies his parents had put on for him as a child, and looking into those romantic scenes with a newfound understanding. The magic, music swelling and bodies intertwined as the protagonist finally slotted their lips against the romantic interest after what seemed like an eternity, Naoto annoyingly enjoyed such scenes, now- because he had his own romantic interest to think about during.
Naoto had tried to confide in his friend, voicing all of his uncertainty to Rise. She looked at him with an expression he couldn't label other than radiating 'Are you serious?'
"Well, I would hope you feel that way about him! He's your boyfriend, Nao-chan!" She laughed, a snicker under her breath as she tugged Naoto into a reassuring hug. "It's normal to be in love with your boyfriend."
Not feeling satisfied with her cutsey response, Naoto next had brought the information to the man himself, sitting him down and trying to explain the spacey mental state, the physical sensation in his stomach, blood rushing to his face and throughout his body hotly, covering it in a thin and bothersome layer of sweat.
"Ya.. Ya feel that.. about me?" Kanji had offered, a smile sliding up from his lips to his eyes. His breath shook, and upon closer inspection, Naoto watched a sheen of tears appear, making his eyes glisten. Naoto's heart swelled in his chest, painfully so, his diaphragm relentless as it pushed every last breath of oxygen out of his body and left him drowning.
When the detective nodded, the blonde all but yanked him into a hug, a tight embrace with twitching fingers, grabbing at and around the smaller boy's shoulders.
"I.. feel 'at way, too. 've.. felt that way about'ya for.. a long time."
Kanji shuddered, squeezing around his form, his arms nothing but warm and inviting. It felt like home in a way Naoto couldn't explain- all of this couldn't be explained, as nice as it felt.
"I'm so glad.. that'ya feel the same way."
All at once, it suddenly made sense.
Naoto's eyes widened, hidden underneath Kanji's chest. He listened in to the thudding of the heart he was pressed against, a quick pace that reflected his own. The dull and repetitive noise rung in his ears as he put the missing pieces together, something he simply hadn't wondered before, or thought possible. Him, a Shirogane- in love.
Is that.. what this is? All of this time, the stupid physical sensations, the distractions- it was the illusive love?
Much more bothersome than Naoto initially expected it to feel- but.. it was nice.
He flung his arms back around the taller male, grabbing a fist of his jacket and pulling him close as if he would never get the chance to again, should he release his grip. It was mortifying- he wasn't sure he even wanted this, the overwhelming feeling, the tight pressure against his throat and the rock sunk to the bottom of his stomach- he felt so lost in this ocean around him. Merciless waves lapped at him from every angle, threatening to topple him over and pull him under the surface- but then Kanji's strong arms held him tight, promised him safety, promised him care and protection.
He clung on for dear life as he grappled the flood of new information- and Kanji let him.
After that, Naoto let himself rely on Kanji more than ever before, even going as far as to confide in him on other emotions he struggled with. Kanji would listen to him intently, and usually offer his own suggestion, ones that seemed to understand Naoto's basic emotions better than the detective ever could. It felt new and scary to be so vulnerable- but knowing he had someone to trust was a source of joy unlike any he'd ever felt.
Even through his seemingly endless struggles with his own identity, night after night spent in front of a mirror and staring at his own reflection and wondering what it was that made him so uncomfortable to see it- he had not been alone.
In private bouncing back between "girlfriend", then "partner", then near-silently asking Kanji if he would be willing to emit the term "boyfriend", the faux-blonde had been nothing but patient. For Kanji's own issues he had seemingly struggled with his whole life, he was hasty to put them aside, seeming to find a determination in assisting Naoto and also finding help for himself during the process.
Kanji had been a blessing he could have never known he would receive, as his soft thumb brushed over the reddish tint of Naoto's cheek in the quiet of the evening, his words shaky, but powerful. Ones that stuck with the shorter male, latched onto the forefront of his brain and outright refused to let go. He didn't want them to.
"Girl, boy.. I 'dun care."
Kanji couldn't quite make eye contact, gray eyes squeezed shut as his shorter lashes dripped down onto his cheeks. The quirk of his brow didn't read anger, only concern, a softness to the etchings of his strong features. His voice was firm, when he finally looked back down to the distressed bluenette.
"Naoto. 'S you that I like.. And I ain't gonna stop."
Warm tears poked at the apex of Naoto's eyes when the words hung around them, a beautiful confession that nourished him somewhere deep, deep inside his very soul, every loving syllable echoing through his skull and burning away the doubts that plagued him daily.
They embraced, squeezed as tight as his smaller arms could manage, holding around Kanji's neck and silently letting his tears fall. The blonde didn't mention them, knew that his boyfriend was embrassed to display his emotions in front of another- just grateful to be trusted with them regardless.
From that point on, Kanji would refer to him in private as a boy, but only when they were alone. Using such masculine terms seemed surprisingly easy to get used to- and not entirely because he had originally known Naoto to be a male. It simply fit into place, and the way that Naoto would react, trying to shy away from the light curl to his lips or the faint stutter that would embed itself into his next words, Kanji knew that it was doing something good for the person he had grown to care so much about. That night when he texted Kanji, letting him in on his plans to start using these terms elsewhere and seeing what the rest of their group thought about it, he could only smile to himself while typing out how good of an idea he thought that was.
Maybe part of him always knew, Naoto wondered.
His pen tapped at his chin as he sifted through his memories, what led him to this point, all the things he had come into contact with and what parts still left him wondering.
While he didn't mention it so much, Kanji had grown a very thick skin to being teased on the idea of liking other men- going from a burning rage to a mild annoyance at best. While a lot of it was likely the handle he had gotten on his emotions and impulse control, the subject in specific seemed to be much less painful to Kanji's brain.
Naoto did note what he knew of the fabled camping trick, when Hananura and Narukami seemed to both say some offensive things and went as far as to even verbally force Kanji out of their tent from their own insecurities, a disgusting act that Naoto had demanded they both apologize for in the future, even as Kanji himself didn't see a need.
With many experiences like that, it would be easy to fall into a trap of self-loathing for even considering such a reality as to feel attraction to the same sex. But long after the forced apology, when the pair had made their way to Kanji and quietly admitted something to him about them both being so cruel that night in the tent for a pretty specific reason of what they were secretly in denial of themselves, Kanji had seemed to see himself in a newer light.
And in Kanji seeing himself differently, Naoto felt reassurance in a way he wasn't sure he had needed until he recieved it.
Kanji would be alright with being alongside him, of potentially even being a gay man, if that's what it meant. He found himself wondering if one day he could be proud of such an identity- not that Naoto was proud of his own. They'd both need some time. But maybe, if fortune smiled down upon them and they found themselves comfortable in the dynamic they had, they could one day have pride for their identities.
On the topic of romance, Kanji had been more than just a partner, he had been Naoto's lifesaver. For all the coiled knots inside of himself, things he never touched and never dared to unravel, those larger hands enveloped him and gently guided him through the process. Naoto found his brain having wandered far past the realm of marriage or commitment, places that his young self would have gagged at, settling right on the other side and realizing he was practically ready to wed at any given moment should the opportunity arise. The bullet around his neck was a symbol of it, every time he felt the cool bite of the metal on his collarbone, he was reminded of that night when Kanji's deft fingers had taken it off of his own throat and draped it over Naoto's, pulling his hair out of the way carefully to clasp it together against his nape.
He had spent this last year tracing out the very edges of Kanji's personality, mapping out every little piece there was to him and exploring his psyche as deeply as was possible without genuinely burying himself into the other's brain and studying the busy cells under a microscope.
It was ridiculous, a softness he didn't understand, a sense of all-encompassing adoration that had taken over Naoto's every cell. But his doubts had all been satiated, not just the ones he had about the ex-delinquent, but even the worst ones inside of himself.
He was ready for forever.
Well.. almost.
As much as he hated to admit it, there was still one thing that was unknown.
Naoto, who had committed at the ripe age of 12 to dying with his precious virginity held tight to his chest, was suddenly finding himself curious of the very topic he had ran away from his whole life.
It was an act that couples engaged in, one of procreation, but perhaps more than just that. From all he had read and heard, it seemed to be an emotional and spiritual experience both, one that human beings would venture to war for in the past, a sinful act that had been described as a slice of heaven above, snatched up and brought down here to Earth.
Curiosity got the best of him, as well as despising the unknown. It filled him with a dull burning sensation in the pit of his gut, an entirely negative one, aware that there was something he was ill informed on. His body itself seemed to crave it almost as much as his mind, pushing Naoto forward into this no man's land. Somewhere he had never before been, never let himself think.
Kanji has grown leagues above where he had been previous, as far as expressing himself to his boyfriend. As an example, he had changed from hiding his sewn creations to sending Naoto photos of every new step, the detective expecting to open his phone most afternoons to see the production of some sort of a crafted friend coming to life before his very eyes, a process that he told Kanji he loved to be shown and had been ever since.
But when it came to this, they had yet to breathe a word of it.
All logic pointed to the fact that certainly, somewhere in between his ears, Kanji also had dirtier thoughts from time to time. He was a hormonal teenage boy as any other, an especially reactive one at that- and yet, Naoto found himself unsure.
If he was as curious about the topic, then why had he never mentioned anything to his boyfriend, in all of these months? It could very well be that he was being a gentleman, knowing Naoto's complicated relationship with his own body, and not wanting to causing any kind of apprehension by pushing him into waters that he wasn't certain of just yet. Or perhaps, it was how the blue-haired detective came off, himself. After all, it had taken weeks to first grab one another's hands, where did that put them for other forms of affection?
Was it his fault?
Yes, he had come from a more conservative household, and he had not been secretive of telling Kanji early on how he had previously had no wish for romance or anything else- but his mind had been changed in these last few months. With emotional security as great as Kanji offered him, he longed for that physical security, as well- he longed to explore this untouched territory between them both.
Had he not displayed this fact well enough? It was true that he didn't know where to start. He hadn't known how to confess initially, if he even knew what his feelings had been- glad that Kanji had done it, and unsure if they would have ever gotten into this relationship had it been left up to Naoto.
He couldn't exactly leave a note- this topic simply felt uncomfortable to leave footprints of. While a text or a note would be easier, it also felt incorrect.
Kanji,
I would like to explore your body and potentially engage in fornication.
Y / N
Please respond ASAP.
Naoto.
Certainly not.
He needed it to be something more.. special. He could not explain why, only knowing that the flurry of ideas he had come up with all felt inferior, filling him with a faint anxiety at the prospect of failing to meet the bar he had set into place, somehow letting his proposition fall short of being an outstretched hand into sharing a session of physical, emotional, and spirtual pleasure.
Kanji had been the bigger man between them, the one to take that terrifying step forward and expose his vulnerable heart, offer himself to Naoto on a silver platter and leave himself completely at the other's mercy.
He wanted to give back, in this. If his hypothesis was correct and Kanji also wanted to share these moments with him, then he owed it to that man to be the one to bridge this gap. This time, it should be Naoto who was the one to "confess".
But.. not yet. No, he couldn't.
As much as he wanted to assume that Kanji was also curious as he was, he needed concrete evidence. He didn't want to go into this and do the boy any harm, or make him uncomfortable in any way. This would need to be done carefully, plan out his steps and make certain that he was moving into territory Kanji indeed wished to venture. Although the prospect of being the only one who wished for a sexual relationship did indeed make his chest ache, he would be alright with that, because it was Kanji he was talking about. He shouldn't assume, especially not when the blonde had surprised him in so many ways in the past.
His study sheets had been long forgotten, at some point brought into a messied pile on the edge of the table for some semblance of organization.
Naoto had been doing some light research as of late on certain.. topics, relating to these thoughts he'd been having, wanting to know what to expect and exactly what he was getting himself- them both- into. It was a shameful act that he felt the blood rise to his ears in result of, but the thirst for knowledge significantly outweighed the coyness, committing every word of many adult articles to memory and filing the information into a cabinet in his brain that had cobwebs until just recently.
The end of his pen had been caught between his teeth in a nervous habit he knew he had to shed, but was too busy mentally to care.
With a bit of work, he could try and reach his boyfriend, find a way to bring this up to Kanji in a dignified fashion. After all, in his career he had a knack for connecting dots and planning consciously, didn't he? He simply had to apply the same efforts here, push through the way he always did.
And so, stuck at the working desk in his room and with his brows furrowed to nobody in perticular, Naoto pulled out a piece of loose paper and started to piece together the specifics of his plan.