Chapter Text
When I decided to audition for The X Factor, the future I've pictured in my mind is nothing like what I've come to. First of all, I wasn't expecting to debut in a band with four other guys, who were expecting to have solo careers as well. I wasn't expecting to become this successful and come this far, since I was anything but serious about singing, and was believing that I would get eliminated before even fully singing the first verse. And more importantly, I've never thought that I'll ever experience something called love in the first sight, at 16.
Who would have ever thought that I will meet my first and probably last love, in a talent program's urinals? Probably no one. Once he came in, I was too immersed in his electric blue eyes to realize that I splashed my pee on him... humiliating right? Well it doesn't sound as embarrassing if you think of it as sunconsciously marking my territory.
"Oops!" I said, scratching the back of my head and offering a nervous smile.
"Hi!" He smiled back reassuringly, before heading towards the siink to clean himself up. "My name is Louis, Louis Tomlinson." He introduced himself, stretching his hand out for me to shake, his crinkled smile never leaving his face, a smile that took my breath away.
"I'm Harry," I shook his hand, his small hand that I wanted to hold forever, "Harry Styles." I added, trying my best to hide my nervousness, and ignore that annoying voice at the back of my mind singing 'oh you are falling in love, oh yes you do', but ended up giving in. It's not like it was wrong or anything anyways.
We talked a little bit more about nothing and everything, and found out that we have quite a lot of things in common, and even more things to like. Yeah I knew I was screwed.
When I got eliminated that day, everybody thought that I was crying because my career ended before even starting, but it wasn't. In fact, becoming a successful singer was my last concern at the moment, and all I was thinking about is how my time with Louis was up, and God knows when we would ever meet again.
When I finally got to accept the reality and started bidding our goodbyes, a man whom name I don't remember came to us, called both our and some three other guys' names, and few moments later we were told that we were too talented to let go off, that's why they decided to put the five of us in a group. Yeah, that's how One Direction was formed, my time beside Louis was extended, my heart was screwed, and the voice in the back of my mind sounded so satisfied as it chanted the word 'fate' non stop.
The days passed and the five of us grew closer -I learned that their names are Zayn Malik, Liam Payne and Niall Horan- but it was nothing compared to how close Louis and I got to each other.
Whenever he was around, I lost track of time and space. All my senses focus on him and forget about the world around us. We would spend hours and hours only talking and laughing about nothing in particular, and sometimes end up flirting with each other, which had always got me, and left me thinking what if he feels the same about me, but then his endless flirting with everybody else reminded me that I was only overthinking things, and that meant absolutely nothing to him, and that I wasn't an exception.
I spent my days and nights thinking 'what if's. and picturing different scenarios in my head about what would have happened if he wasn't straight, if he had even a little bit of interest in me, if he concidered me more than just his best mate, but none of those can become real, and I always ended up sleeping with a heavy heart and teary eyes. How can fate be that cruel to a 16 years old boy?
Whenever they asked us about Larry Stylinson, I was always grateful that Louis has never denied it harshly because it would break me for sure, and I had to fight the urge to say 'if only it was real but it unfortunately isn't'. Yeah he offered to move in with him since we were best mates that shouldn't be separated and I felt blessed to no end and somehow managed to convince my mother, even though I knew it would be a great torture to my little poor heart, but I didn't really care. And yeah we have many matching tattoos that mean a lot to me but probably nothing to him, tattoos that he had always found a platonic explanation to, an explanation that I've never focused on and always decided to create my own version to fool my little mind and heart from time to time. I knew that none of them meant anything to him, or at least not what I wanted them to mean, but I still accepted getting them anyways and felt grateful that he had some things that would always remind him of me inked to his skin permanently.
"Do you love me Harry?" His voice startled me. When did he come? And how much did he hear?
"I'll call you later, Gems" I membled into the phone and turned around to look at his expressionless face, shock obvious on mine. "How- When did you come?" I asked, too embarassed to make eye contact. "How much did you hear?"
"Enough to know that my best mate has romantic feelings for me." The bitterness in his tone made me shut my eyes tightly, hoping he would reject me in the nicest way he could manage. "Do you love me?" He repeated.
"You already know the answer. Why are you asking?"
"Just tell me, Harry. Do you?" Something in his voice sounds reassuring? Comforting? Welcoming? I don't really know maybe I was just imaging.
"Yes." I mumbled, "just.. ju-"
"You know that I'm straight. Right Harry?" Have you heard something something cracking? Oh it's just my heart nothing important.
"I-I know." My voice cracked. I knew he would reject me, but it just doesn't sound as nice as what I was hoping for. "I know, I just.. I just couldn't help it." Is that a tear rolling down my cheek?
"I'm stra-"
""It's okay Louis. I get it. You are straight and this can never work."
"Ha-"
"It's really okay Louis. Just act as if you never heard about it." My own words tore my heart even more. I knew the whole time that it can never work between us but I still let myself wish for something great, for something more than friendship. "I need to take a show-"
"Wait." I felt his hand grabbing gently but firmly at my forearm, making me stop. "Listen to me first. Please?" I nodded. How can I deny him something when he asks me the way he did? I just can't. "I'm straight, yeah, well that's what I've always thought anyways." His hand slid to my wrist and his grasp tightened. "But there always are some exceptions, I- I guess?"
"Huh?" What does that mean? My mind stopped functioning properly for a while now, and my stupid heart is beating crazily and hoping for things he would probably never get, but I can't really blame it since Louis's words are-
"Or maybe that's what I was assuming since I've never really found anyone to trully love, and was always afraid to label myself as anything other than straight." He ignored my 'huh'. "Actually, I've never really was concerned about my sexuality and love life until you came in my life,"
"Louis, I- You.. what d-" I wanted to tell him to explain what he means by what he had just said, to take it easy on me, but all that came out of my mouth is incomprehensible stutters.
"Since that day in the urinals, I started thinking maybe I'm not as straight as I thought. I admit a bit hard for me to admit to myself that I'm maybe attracted to boys -to a specific boy- no it was really hard actually, that's why I've always tried to fool myself to believe that it was only a true friendship, but the way my breath was taken away from me everytime your emerald green eyes were locked to mine, and the way my heart hammered against my ribcage everytime you smiled reminded me that it can't be just a platonic broderly love." I felt him getting closer to my back, making it for me harder to process what I just heard. "It wasn't easy to come to terms with my feelings, but I get to anyways. I've spent a really long time secretly starring at you, contemplating your beautiful features and wishing you would reciprocate my feelings, I've even thought about confessing multiple times but never did because I was afraid from rejection. You are near perfect, so why would someone like you want to have anything to do with someone like me?"
'Am I dreaming?' That's all I could think about because this whole thing was too great to be true, 'If it's a dream, please never wake me up.' I begged.
We remained silent for seconds, he was probably waiting for me to say something but I was too overwhelmed to think or talk properly. "I love you Haz." He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, and I could feel his forehead resting between my shoulder blades. "I love you so much Harry Edward Styles." He whispered, "and I can't believe that you really do love me back, than-k you." His voice cracked up.
"A-re you c-crying?" It was all I managed to say, my voice cracking as well. I felt him shaking his head against my back. I turned around to face him and cupped his crying face in my quite huge hands, is it legal to look this beautiful even while crying? I found myself kissing his tears away and mumbling little 'thank you's, and moments later my lips were brushing against his. I don't really know who initiated it, but I can say that it was just perfect.
"I love you, Lou" I finally said, my forehead resting against his and my eyes locked to his breath taking ones.