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If someone had told him earlier that day that, instead of quietly celebrating his birthday with his daughter he would be hauling ass across the city trying to escape fucking zombies, Joel woulda called them fuckin’ crazy. Unfortunately, that was exactly what was happening.
They’d had to abandon the truck outside of a movie theater due to the crush of the crowd, and in the process Joel and Sarah had been separated from Tommy. Despite his panic, Joel had to keep going. He had to keep his daughter safe.
“Just look at me, baby girl, look at me,” Joel pleaded as he held his daughter tightly in his arms and raced to rejoin Tommy by the river. His little girl nodded and tucked her head into his neck. He ran and ran and felt like bursting into relieved tears once they’d finally arrived at their destination. His bubble was quickly burst, however, as he saw a soldier come over the hill with his gun pointed at them.
“We’re not sick!” he desperately cried. “Please, we’re not sick!”
His words seemed to have no effect on the man, as he slowly tightened his grip on the trigger. A loud crack had Joel falling to the ground to avoid it, trying to shield Sarah the best he could while doing so, but he quickly realized that the sound had not come from the soldier’s gun. He did cry in relief this time as he saw Tommy crest the hill. The soldier slumped to the ground with a bullet in his forehead, a gift from his brother. Joel quickly gave Sarah a once over, but she was okay, she was safe. Although how long they’d remain so was too soon to tell.
•••
TWENTY YEARS LATER
“Please Joel, she needs to be delivered to the fireflies and you’re the only people who can get her there safely,” Marlene pleaded. Joel could see that blood was trickling down her side and her lieutenant’s ear desperately needed to be looked at; neither of them had time for this.
“That is not my problem! I’ve got people I care about who don’t need to be wrapped up in this bullshit!” snapped Joel. At this point he just wanted to go back to the apartment. The car battery was a bust, there was no reason to stay.
Marlene fixed him with a hard expression and seemed to take a second to compose herself. He saw her shoot a glance at the young girl he’d just knocked to the floor.
“Look, right now you need to get Ellie to the state house. I’ll get you a working truck if you do.”
He and Tess exchanged glances. On one hand, they had no time for this, but on the other hand a working truck is what they needed to get to Tommy. Tess seemed more easily swayed, and at her silent urging, he gave in.
“Fine,” Joel said grudgingly.
“Ellie,” Marlene began, acknowledging the girl properly for the first time since the conversation began, but she was cut off by the girl herself
“You seriously want me to go with this guy?!” Ellie cried. “He literally just threw me into a wall!”
“Ellie, you have to go with him. I trust him to get you there safely,” Marlene said firmly.
At Marlene’s desperate expression, Ellie seemed to reluctantly capitulate. The girl gave a short nod, hauled herself up off the floor, and collected her knife. Her distrusting gaze never left Joel, but she followed them out of the building anyway. Joel couldn’t help thinking he had somehow got in over his head.
•••
“Where are we going?” Ellie asked, breaking the silence that had fallen since they’d left Marlene’s.
Tess looked to Joel, as if expecting him to answer, but he stayed stubbornly silent. “We’re headed back to the apartment to grab some things and then we’ll be on our way to the state house,” she answered. Ellie nodded and fell silent again.
The trio walked in silence for a short time before they came across Joel’s unfortunate current state of residence. The fact that it had survived this long was frankly a miracle.
“Wait here,” Joel ordered gruffly. Tess and Ellie obeyed, although he could tell Ellie did so extremely unwillingly. He left them waiting in the grimy lobby as he took the steps two at a time up to the apartment.
“Sarah?” he called as soon as he opened the door.
He heard her call “In here!” from the bedroom, and he felt his body relax at the sound confirming his daughter’s safety. No matter how capable his daughter was, he’d always worry about her. She emerged a second later, giving him a once over as she entered the room, and her brow furrowed in confusion at whatever she saw.
“What’s wrong?”
“Long story short, Tess and I accepted a job from Marlene in exchange for a truck. We need to grab some supplies and head out of here, you coming?”
She didn’t even wait for him to finish his sentence before she started grabbing supplies and shoving them in a spare backpack. “Let’s go.”
The two grabbed what they deemed necessary as quickly as they could and then headed back downstairs to rejoin Tess and the girl.
“Uh, who are you?” Ellie directed at Sarah as soon as they rejoined the group. He ignored her question. From Tess’ slightly irritated expression, he could tell the wait had not exactly been fun for her, and he shot her an apologetic expression.
Sarah might not have known anything about this random girl, but never let it be said he didn’t raise his girl to have manners. At his silence, his daughter gave Ellie a tight smile and responded, “I’m Sarah, Joel’s daughter.”
Ellie looked between Joel and Tess as if trying to do some complicated math. Joel caught on to where her mind was going and snorted. “She’s not Tess’.” He didn’t say ‘dumbass’ but he felt that it was heavily implied.
Ellie blushed, drawing a quiet chuckle from the women.
“Ok, let’s go. You know the rules: stay quiet, avoid FEDRA,” Joel said. Sarah gave a slight roll of her eyes at the redundant rules, and shot Ellie a look of commiseration that had the girl giggling quietly. He ignored them and led the way out of the building, the rest quickly following so as not to be left behind. He could already tell this was going to be a long night.
•••
They’d hoped to make it out of the QZ unnoticed, but they were not that lucky.
“C’mon you know the rules,” the soldier said gruffly, “gotta test ya.”
Joel, Tess, and Sarah waited patiently as the small device scanned them. Each time it glowed green. When the soldier got to Ellie, however, Joel noticed her tight expression and went tense. Something was wrong. He was soon proven correct, as the device glowed a glaring red.
The soldier reached for his gun, and Joel found himself hesitant to stop him. What was Marlene doing handing off an infected to them? Had she known?
“No, stop! Please, I’m immune, I’m immune!” Ellie begged.
“Sorry kid.”
Before he could raise his gun though, a shot pierced the air and he fell to the ground. Tess had killed him.
“She’s just a kid,” Tess said quietly at Joel’s questioning gaze. He was abruptly reminded of her son’s infected demise, and how she couldn’t bring herself to kill him either.
“An infected one!” Joel yelled back. He placed himself between Sarah and the girl. He’d have to do the deed himself. “She isn't your boy, Tess. I know it’s hard, but you gotta do what you gotta do.”
“Wait! Dad, c’mon, let’s hear her out,” said Sarah. His girl had too soft of a heart.
“I was bitten three weeks ago. Look.” Ellie held out her forearm so the trio could see the long-since healed bite on it. “That’s why Marlene wants me delivered to the fireflies. They’re gonna try and use me to make a cure.”
“She hasn’t turned yet, Joel,” Tess reminded him. It was true, they’d already been with her for a couple of hours and there had been no signs that she might start turning.
“Fine,” Joel said. “We’ll take you to the fireflies, but if I see so much as a twitch I’m putting a bullet between your eyes.”
Ellie nodded quickly and seemed to be careful to make no sudden movements as she stepped closer to the three of them.
“Tess you lead, I’ll guard the rear.” Those were his only further comments and at his acquiescence, the group began to move once more.
•••
He should’ve known it would all turn to shit. Tess had been bitten and now he was stuck with a little girl for the foreseeable future. He was just praying they made it to Bill and Frank’s safely.
As they headed further from the city, Sarah seemed to make an attempt to get to know their guest better. There’d been a series of trivial questions and answers traded back for the last hour, and their mindless chatter was only marginally better than the tense quiet that had fallen over the group since they’d lost Tess.
“What’s your favorite color?” He heard Ellie ask. He had to contain a small smile at that. She reminded him of a younger Sarah, although he was sure his daughter wouldn’t like the reminder.
“Hmmm…probably red. Hides blood stains best,” Sarah responded seriously. Joel couldn’t help but wince at that. Her favorite color used to be blue, like the sky. What would his daughter have turned out like, he wondered, if the world hadn’t ended? “What’s your favorite color?”
“Green,” Ellie responded. “Before leaving the QZ I didn’t know it came in this many shades.” She gestured to the greenery of the forest around them. Joel told himself he did not feel pity for her. You can’t feel pity for cargo, and that’s all she was to him. He already had a daughter and he didn’t need another one.
“Good choice,” Sarah said. “Ok, my turn for a question. What was your favorite subject in school?”
“I dunno, I kinda liked learning how to put together a gun?”
Alright, that was enough, he couldn’t take this anymore. “We’re going to turn left here,” he announced, cutting off the conversation.
“Why?” asked Ellie.
“You don’t want to see what's ahead,” Sarah answered for him. Her soft tone almost seemed to sway Ellie, but she stubbornly insisted on going the quicker way.
Joel almost wished he’d been more firm when he saw the way her little face broke at the burn pile of innocent civilians, but he offered her no comfort; she had to learn some time. He ignored Sarah’s reproachful look.
•••
They made good time to Bill and Frank’s despite their young straggler. Sarah had already regaled Ellie with some stories of the two men, including their funny meet-cute. Ellie seemed most excited to sample some of their strawberries, as she admitted that she’d never tried fresh fruit before. If he wasn’t sure of Sarah’s attachment before, he could be sure of it now. His daughter seemed to be very fond of the girl, and treated her almost like a sister (he refused to acknowledge the fact that Sarah and Ellie had about the same age gap as Sarah and himself, and that Sarah could technically be Ellie’s mother. If he didn’t acknowledge it, he wouldn’t have to acknowledge the fact that he was technically old enough to be a grandpa).
When they came to Bill’s gate, Sarah quickly put the code in, practically bouncing in her excitement to see the two men. Although she’d never said as much, he knew she saw them almost as uncles.
However, once inside the three tensed at the eerie quiet. The once carefully maintained flower beds were grown over and debris gathered in the street. The Frank he knew wouldn’t have stood for it. He felt Sarah giving him worried looks, but he didn’t return them. He didn’t want her to see that she was just as confused as he was.
They came to the house safely only to find it abandoned as well. It was Ellie who found the letter Bill had written, and Sarah softly asked her to read it aloud for them. The two of them held strong until Ellie read Bill’s request for Joel to use his gun cache to protect Tess and Sarah. Sarah let out a small cry and Joel turned away. If he crumpled up the letter later, that was his business.
Sarah waited until Ellie was in the shower to bring it up.
“I loved her too, dad,” she said. “She was like a mother to me, and I know how you felt about her. It’s ok to grieve–”
Joel stopped her with a jerk of his head. “Stop. I don’t want to talk about this. She’s dead, nothing we can do about it. We’ve gotta keep moving.”
Sarah tried to keep talking anyway, proving not for the first time that his stubbornness was likely genetic. “We’ve been lucky, we’ve never lost anyone close to us before, but–”
“I’m gonna go shower.” He stood quickly and left the room before his daughter could keep speaking. They had been lucky. He’d seen all the grieving mothers, fathers, widows, and children pass through the QZ and every time he’d thanked his lucky stars he wasn’t in their midst. He and Tess had never given a name to what they were to each other, but he’d loved her nonetheless. If he spent any more time thinking on it, he would fall apart, and Joel Miller did not fall apart.
•••
Joel would be happy for the rest of his life if he never had to step foot in Kansas City ever again. From Ellie killing a man to Henry’s blatant flirting with Sarah, he wanted to put the whole experience behind him. If the reason for Joel’s begrudging offer to bring Henry and Sam with them to Wyoming was seeing Sarah’s fond expression towards Henry and hearing her laughter at his cheesy flirting, well, no one would ever have to know.
The now group of five had just barely escaped from the militia that ran the city and the hoard of infested that had erupted from the ground during the fight. They’d stopped to rest at an abandoned motel before continuing on.
Ellie and Sam, now close friends, commandeered one bedroom for themselves. Joel could hear them giggling over comics from the other room. He, Henry, and Sarah meanwhile, were passing around a flask of Sarah’s frankly awful moonshine.
“Shit,” Henry exclaimed, “that could peel paint.”
“Alcohol is alcohol,” Sarah said dryly. “Besides, maybe it’ll put hair on your chest.”
Henry looked like he was about to say something that would make Joel wish he were fully rather than partially deaf, but a quick glance at Joel silenced whatever dirty comment Henry would’ve said in response. Instead he snorted and took another swig from the flask.
“How’d you learn to make this anyway?” Henry asked.
“I lived in an apartment with very thin walls with my dad and his girlfriend for ten years. I had to find a distraction somehow.”
The mention of Tess made Joel stiffen. “I’m gonna go check on the kids. They should get some sleep.”
Under Sarah’s knowing eyes, he quickly moved to escape the conversation.
The kids agreed to go to bed without much fuss, and Joel decided to turn in too. Henry volunteered to take the couch, so Sarah and Joel took the beds in the other room. Maybe it was the alcohol, but Joel found himself asleep quicker than he could blink.
•••
Joel had once been a deep sleeper. Sarah joked that he would have slept through a hurricane. However, that was before the world ended. Now he heard screaming and he shot up in bed and rushed to the source of it, Sarah a few steps behind him.
Upon entering the next room, he was faced with a gruesome scene. Ellie was barely fending off an obviously infected Sam. Joel and Sarah both surged forward to help, guns or no guns, but Henry held them back by shooting at their feet in warning.
“Joel! Help!” Ellie cried.
He barely registered the fact that she did not cry for Sarah, who she was arguably closer to, as he tried once more to run forward and help the girl. Henry, however, took care of it. One shot and the growling thing that was once Sam fell to the ground and was silent.
Ellie seemed like a broken thing, curled up on the ground in front of him. She reminded him of a younger Sarah. Sarah who had been starving the first few weeks after the outbreak and cried out in pain for her dad to fix it; Sarah the first time after she’d killed a human and cried for hours while Joel held her; Sarah whose first boyfriend became infected and nearly killed her, leaving her with nightmares for months that left her shaking in bed like a leaf.
Joel rushed forward, heedless of the gun still in Henry’s hand, and wrapped Ellie up in his arms. “Shh, I got you baby girl. You’re okay, you’re okay.”
Ellie’s loud sobs broke his heart, and for the first time he found himself wondering if maybe the reason he was fond of her was not just because she reminded him of Sarah. He was pulled from his musings, however, by a shout from Sarah. “Henry, no!” And after a loud bang, they were once more a group of three.
•••
THREE MONTHS LATER
It hadn’t been easy trekking across the country in winter. If it hadn’t been for Sarah, he wasn’t sure they would’ve made it. Sarah was the better hunter, for one, and she also was much more adept at putting up with both his and Ellie’s bullshit.
Ellie and Joel were just too similar. They were both stubborn and prone to doing reckless things in the name of protecting the rest of the group. Joel still wasn’t sure if he’d forgiven Ellie for taking a bite from an infected meant for him. Sure, she hadn’t turned, but it had definitely added a few more gray hairs to his head.
However, it seemed that their journey was finally near its end, as they entered the fortified city that a woman claimed Tommy lived in. It hadn’t been five minutes before Joel caught sight of his younger brother working on a building. He quickly split from the group to hug Tommy, Sarah not far behind him. He hadn’t seen the man in years and it felt like a weight had finally lifted off his shoulders having his whole family together again.
“It’s good to see you,” Tommy said with a grin. “And is that my gorgeous niece behind you? Come give Uncle Tommy a hug!”
Sarah laughed and quickly moved to embrace her uncle. “It’s good to see you Tommy. Come meet Ellie!”
Ellie had been standing off to the side as the family greeted each other. An expression flickered across her face. It almost looked like longing.
Tommy seemed thrilled to meet Ellie. “Hi young lady, are you another niece of mine?”
Both Joel and Ellie quickly tried to correct him.
“I’m not his—”
“She’s not my kid—”
Tommy didn’t quite seem to believe them, but he let the matter go. “Alright, alright. C’mon, let’s get some food in you.”
They followed him to a large mess hall, and the group was happy to eat their first home cooked meal in months. The presence of Maria, though, irked him. The woman’s gaze was just too damned judgmental.
“Can we have a family moment please?” Joel asked gruffly, with his eyes fixed on Maria.
“Well, actually, Maria and I are married,” Tommy said carefully, taking Maria’s hand as he did so.
“Congrats,” Ellie and Sarah said in unison, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen.
“Say congrats Joel,” Ellie said with a nudge.
“Congrats.”
“Well if you want to talk just with family, I’ll leave I guess,” Ellie said, grabbing her plate to stand.
Joel shot her a confused look. “What are you talking about? You stay. Eat your food, it’ll get cold.” Ellie shot him a surprised look, which he ignored. If he didn’t acknowledge the fact that he’d basically adopted the girl, it didn’t count. Besides, that pie was so much more interesting than facing his knowing brother and daughter.
•••
While Maria got Sarah and Ellie settled, Tommy and Joel talked. “Tommy, you need to take her to the fireflies. I barely got the three of us here. You’re the only one I trust to do this.”
“I can’t,” Tommy said shortly. “Look, Maria’s pregnant. I can’t leave her alone, Joel, I just can’t.”
“My girls, they’re so brave, but I can’t fail them, Tommy. I just can’t,” Joel said, his voice cracking slightly. “I’m failing in my sleep. It’s all I do. It’s all I’ve ever done. Is fail her. Fail them both. I’ve already lost Tess, I can’t lose them too. Please, Tommy. You owe me.”
•••
When Joel got back to the house, he was greeted with delighted shrieks and laughter. Sarah apparently had introduced Ellie to the wonders of a pillow fight. The two were racing back and forth trying to get one another, and each successful hit was met by more laughter and yelling.
They appeared not to have noticed Joel entering, not until he sneakily bopped Sarah in the face with a throw pillow he’d grabbed from the couch.
“Oh you motherfucker!” Sarah yelled.
“Guilty,” Joel said with as straight a face as he could manage. That only set them off again. It quickly turned to Sarah and Ellie vs. Joel, the latter admitting defeat five minutes later. They laid on the ground afterwards trying to catch their breath. For the first time in years, Joel could honestly say he was happy. He’d do anything to keep them smiling and laughing for the rest of their lives.
•••
Joel knocked softly on Ellie’s door later that night. He knew she was still up, as he could see the light leaking out from under the door.
“Come in.”
Joel entered, stealing himself for what was to come.
“Hey Joel, what’s up?”
“Ellie, Tommy’s gonna take you to the fireflies tomorrow,” Joel said. He’d told himself he would do this right, that he would make it clear that this was the best option, that he didn’t make this decision lightly, but in the face of Ellie, he found himself closing up. “You’ll be safer with him.”
“No. Everybody I have ever cared for has either died or left me. Everybody, fucking except for you and Sarah! So don’t tell me that I’d be safer with somebody else because the truth is I would just be more scared.” She stopped and closed her eyes as if trying to hold back tears. “I thought we were a family.”
Joel’s heart broke just a bit more at that. It was a wonder he had any heart left at all.
•••
Sarah confronted him the next morning, proving that she’d heard everything that had gone down the night before. “I don’t care whether you’re going or not, I’m going with Tommy and Ellie. Millers don’t abandon family.”
Staring at his daughter, his beautiful, strong, capable daughter that he’d killed for on numerous occasions, Joel couldn’t avoid it any longer. He could no more abandon his daughters than he could cut off his right leg. “Alright, let’s get a move on.”