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Nick is playing a game in the room over, while Glenn sifts through palettes and locations and binders filled with ideas written in both his and Morgan’s handwriting. He takes his glasses off and runs a hand through his hair, before replacing them and continuing his search.
The venues for weddings near them are expansive but with all the planning around his tour and making sure Nick is comfortable enough wherever they go, it becomes a challenge. He’s nearly debating on just having it in a friend's backyard but he won’t go out that way.
Glenn grabs a piece of paper and throws it out after seeing the name of the location, “We’re not getting married in that town.” He gets another piece of paper, labels it ‘NO’ and writes the town name below it.
“Dad!” Nick’s voice calls out to him and Glenn smiles, “Yeah kiddo?” “When’s Mama getting back?” His voice is still quiet for his age so Glenn nearly strains to hear him, “Soon baby!” Nick mutters something back and Glenn can hear his game start up again.
A sudden blaring of Christmas music makes him look up and Glenn accepts the call ringing on his phone. Glenn says something first, “Hey baby, we decided on a winter wedding right?” Morgan’s light voice carries over the phone, “Of course Glenn, when else could we get away with playing Christmas music at our wedding.” “Cool, that gets rid of a couple places. Your dress is the picture on the fridge right?”
Again Morgan laughs and he can hear her place her phone down, then a loud honk stops him from saying more, “Sorry, the person in front of me is driving stupidly.” He smiles, “Of course they were.” Glenn stops and looks down at the table, paperwork spread out across their dining table and yet he doesn’t mind.
A glinting light blinds him for a moment and he looks to find the source, his ring, lying on his left hand, a gold band and a constant reminder of their lasting love.
He stares at the ring that Morgan gave to him early in college with the promise that they would get married eventually, hers matching silver to his gold. She got them inscribed with Glenn’s lyrics from One Life , his song dedicated to her, the lyrics ‘One life is never long enough’, were indented inside the metal bands.
“I love you.”
Morgan’s smile can be heard over the phone, “I love you too. Any particular reason you're reminding me right now?” “We’re getting married, our kiddo is playing in the other room, I’m picking the place we are going to get married right now. Need I keep going because I could stand here for hours.” Morgan is silent for a moment, “Well then, I don’t know how I can compare to that.”
Glenn rolls his eyes and picks the phone up moving outside to stand on the porch, they found out Nick had asthma a little bit ago so he and Morgan only smoked on the porch now. “Yeah well sorry I’m trying to compare to you, Mor.” She huffs lightly, “You know you could never compare to me, Close.”
Glenn flicks open his lighter, “Make sure you’re doing that outside Glenn.” Morgan’s tone is still warming and comforting but stern on the edges, he loves that about her. Glenn nods, “ Of course, Freeman. Wait, what are we changing our last names too?” This wasn’t a topic they talked about commonly, nor did it really come to mind for either of them.
Morgan seems to shrug, “Morgan Close. Glenn Freeman. Nick Freeman. Nick Close. Close-Freeman doesn’t sound bad either. We can settle that eventually.” “I don’t have any attachments to my name so, whatever we land on sounds good to me.” Glenn adds with a small grin.
A split second of silence goes by before Glenn begins to hum to one of his songs softly, Morgan joining in with the chorus. After a little bit, Morgan softly interrupts, “Hey Glenn. What type of flowers should we get? I’m thinking of green and red themes, white too, of course, but what specifically.” Glenn thinks, “Asphodels and red whortleberry, I think. Maybe foxglove and red hibiscus.”
“Those are some interesting choices, I can see it though, you sure you’ve never planned a wedding before?” “Been planning it since this ring went around my finger baby.” “Such a romantic Close.” Morgan’s warming sarcasm is beautiful in Glenn’s ears, “Alright, I should get off the phone now, I’ll be home soon.”
Glenn smiles softly, “See you soon, Mor. We’ll be waiting.”
Glenn stares at the papers that have been left on the dining room table for nearly 2 weeks. Dying flowers sit in a vase across from them, unwatered until they droop and wilt into gray petals and stems.
He sees pictures of a million different locations scattered along the table, a wedding dress is hung up on the fridge but he can’t bear to look at it.
Phone numbers for a million different caters and designs for cakes stacked page after page in thick binders with ideas spanning back to early college. Inspiration photos litter cork boards, their first ever “I love you”, their first time at Disney together, Nick’s 1st birthday, Glenn’s 5th-anniversary tour around the US, a picture taken not 24 hours before their last “I love you.”
Glenn doesn’t think he’s a sentimental person but he lets his tears well in his eyes as he gently picks up the pictures, collecting them like he might gather strength to look at them again and slipping them back into the binder.
It hurts.
For this preparation just to be put back away again, to go upstairs and pack away the formal outfits he was looking at wearing. To close up the paper for invitations and get rid of color palettes that melded seamlessly into his brain for so long. It is like a piece of him is being torn apart.
Glenn looks down again, feeling Morgan’s ring bump along his chest as he moves, the silver ring hanging from a newly adorned necklace around Glenn’s neck. He clasps his hand around it wishing he didn’t have to be wearing it, wishing Morgan was here to wear it instead. To hear the sound of the rings clicking together when they held hands.
“Dad?” Nick’s soft and even more quiet voice makes Glenn look towards him, “Heya Nicky.” Nick grasps a picture in his hands, one of Glenn, Morgan, and him at Disney. Morgan was smiling brightly and Glenn had Nick on his shoulders, the two of them grinning. “Can I sleep in your room tonight? It doesn’t feel right without Mama.”
Glenn won’t cry in front of his son, he’s strong-willed enough to handle that. For now. “Of course kiddo. How about you get ready for bed now?” Nick runs off after Glenn leans down and gives him a kiss on the forehead.
Looking back down at the now cleared-off dining table Glenn pulls something else out and places it where the binder used to be. A stack of papers again but this one is different.
Sadder.
Hospital records and police records lay in the pile, as well as insurance papers and car records. The papers Glenn needed to fill out for Morgan’s gravestone lay on the top. Blank spots for where to fill in the name and message. Morgan wanted to be cremated but they were still going to have a gravestone for her, she told Glenn exactly what she wanted a little over a year ago and he never forgot.
In the space for “Name of Deceased” Glenn pauses for the slightest second, they never actually got married. He writes ‘Morgan Freeman’ in the clearest handwriting he can manage and then fills in the next part for epitaphs, “Loving Mother and Wife ‘One life is never long enough’”. He wrote the dates in too before he had to stop, his handwriting got too shaky to continue.
Glenn puts all these papers in a binder as well, sliding it onto their shelf and leaving it there for the morning. It fits in next to the wedding planning and Glenn looks away before he can feel anything else.
He walks upstairs where he can hear Nick talking to himself, “Dad’s toothbrush, Mama’s toothbrush and this one’s mine. Mama and Dad’s room and this one’s mine.” He pauses and corrects himself quietly, “Dad’s room… and my room.” Glenn stops on the stairway softly and waits there until Nick finishes up his routine and runs into Glenn’s room.
Glenn doesn’t know how he’s supposed to go on like this. People send their condolences and prayers and sorrys and yet he doesn’t feel any better and he doesn’t know if it will. With one deep breath in, Glenn collects himself and walks the rest of the way upstairs, “Hey Nicky? You ready for bed?” He peeks into the room and sees Nick asleep on the bed already, blankets curled around him.
Glenn smiles softly and pulls the blankets up over Nick’s shoulders before exiting the room again. He steps outside into the black and pulls out his lighter again. With a joint in his hand, Glenn looks up towards the sky, the stars are barely visible of course, light pollution covering the shine and clouds creeping in on the horizon.
The moon is only lit up a sliver tonight so Glenn is left mostly in the dark. Illuminated by the haze glow from the joint he closes his eyes and lets himself drop his shoulders, physically dropping back into the chair next to him.
The reminder of his to-have-been wife curls around him, the potted California poppies brushing his ankles and the smell of her gentle perfume almost in the air. Glenn sighed and wondered why he was going to be cursed with waiting for her for the rest of his life.
The night stretches on and yet Glenn doesn’t get up from where he sits. He grips the rings in his hand and shakes his head slowly, “It should have been me. I should’ve left. You would’ve been a better mom to him, Morgan.” He sighs and enters the house again, laying on the couch staring at the ceiling, wishing that he could redo it again.
It wasn’t long enough.