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Tired… Why am I always so terribly tired these days? My eyes burn when I blink, rubbing at them just makes it worse, my vision blurs. Maybe I need glasses? I’m not that old! Or is it the dingy lighting in my room? Or the beers I’ve had?
Rubbing at my eyes, regardless, I push the lid of my laptop with my index finger until it snaps shut softly, then I put it down on the floor next to my bed and nearly lose my balance when I lean over too far.
Shit, I need to sleep. I hope I worked myself tired enough so that I can, actually. I switch off the light at my bedside table with a huff, tuck myself in up to the chin and turn to my side in one swift motion, screwing my burning eyelids shut and willing the tension to vanish from my limbs. I want sleep. I need rest. I have to relax.
It’s not working, of course. The room is still bright enough to see the door when I let my eyes slip open a fraction again. Facing the door is mandatory, you never know. I’m not as paranoid as Rei, ha, sleeping in the frigging bathtub, but still. The job leaves its traces, I guess.
I’m forcing my legs to go soft, my shoulders to sack. Relax, Kazuki. It’s not that hard. A child can do it! I bet cute little Miri sleeps in her room next door like an angel, peaceful oblivion on her features, a thin string of drool steadily wetting her pillow…
Ah, yes, that. I want just that. Peaceful oblivion. For once in my life, is that too much to ask? I’m working myself up again. Great. I got to pee. Thank goodness there’s a guest toilet in this house, I’ll never get over the shock of Rei’s half-dead eyes staring at me over the rim of the tub while I had a leak this one time…
Shivering slightly, I pad across my room, down the wire staircase, tiptoeing the cold metal. It seems that my body had started shutting down after all, it wasn’t this cold half an hour ago. Just as I habitually turn left when I reach the bottom of the stairs, I see the tell-tale glowing red of a burning cigarette to my right. Rei is up, smoking on the balcony. Aw, he’s become so considerate.
I do have that leak, wash my hands, mechanically smile at my reflection. My face looks worn, I feel like it, too. I’m probably starting to look my age. Is that a good thing?
Without putting much thought to it, I grab two beer cans from the fridge and step out to Rei. It’s only slightly colder there, but the cold hits sharp, and of course he’s noticed me as soon as I came down the stairs. He doesn’t even blink, though, just drags in that sharp, yet languid way of his and gives me a quick side-eye.
“It’s cold”, he states in his deep monotone and I’m honestly surprised he even talks before I do. “It is”, I nod and crack open a beer. “Want one?”, I offer and push the open can in his direction. He doesn’t accept or deny, but says, “You’ve already had three”, instead.
I just shrug, crack the other can open and sip the foam from it. “I don’t feel them”, I smile, and it’s true, three beers should somehow make themselves known, but they don’t. Weird.
“Smoke?”, Rei offers in return, though, and I’m just slightly surprised that I accept.
We smoke and drink in silence for a while and I almost, almost feel fatigue and peace creeping in. This is as nice as it gets, I guess. If it just wasn’t so damn cold. Rei has become scaringly caring ever since we’ve had Miri. He unzips his blue sports jacket and slips it down his narrow frame. Then he holds it towards me, mumbling. “Take it.”
My eyebrows shoot up into my hairline. He’s literally offering…? Rei jiggles the jacket slightly. “Take it”, he insists, “it’s still warm.”
I trip over my own words, “Rei, heh, it’s… I don’t think it fits me?”
“Just wrap it around your shoulders then”, he mumbles, unrelenting, and I do, mumbling my thanks in turn and probably finally feel the beers go to my head. My cheeks are warm and the jacket around my shoulders makes me melt somewhat. I slouch and the fatigue grows stronger.
“What are you doing up?”, I ask after a while, trying to keep things on track. Are they off track?
Rei shrugs his shoulders, dragging again. “I just finished the game and wanted a smoke before going to bed.”
“You mean going to bathe”, my mouth rambles and seriously, how am I drunk, suddenly? I smile crookedly at my own joke. “You know, because you sleep in the bathtub instead of in bed?”, I explain uselessly and gulp the cringe down with more beer.
Rei doesn’t dignify that with an answer and just continues smoking, taking small sips here and there. My ears are burning. Why don’t I have a filter? Why do I even care about that, anyway?
“’m sorry”, I mumble and Rei blissfully shrugs. Bless Rei. “Congratulations”, I continue and Rei finally pins me with a look of sheer confusion.
“For what?”, he enunciates sharply, pulling his eyebrows together while taking his last, slightly longer drag, eyes never leaving my face.
“For finishing the game, I guess.”
He changes his posture and honest-to-god stems his right fist into his side, cocking his head. He’s pissed at me.
“You make no sense, Kazuki.”
“I know. Sorry.”
“Guess you do feel them.”
“Guess so”, I agree. My mouth rambles on, “Are you mad?”, I press out and weirdly, Rei gives a soft scoff, almost a chuckle. Or am I imagining things?
He comes two steps closer and takes the forgotten and still burning cigarette from my right hand, which hangs uselessly at my side. He puts it to his own lips and I don’t mind, finishing my beer, instead.
“I’m worried”, he tightly voices, so quietly that I blush again or some more. “You’re stressed.”
“So are you”, I chuckle, because I can’t take this. First the cigarette, then the jacket, now his worries. How on earth is Rei of all people offering things to me, while I should be the one repaying my debts to him for letting me stay?
“Not like you”, he shakes his head. He’s grown soft and attentive. Miri did that, all on her own. Things were so much easier when Rei didn’t bother.
“Since when do you even notice?”, I snap quietly and cross my arms in front of my chest, freezing, cold.
“I always have.”
“Since when do you care, then?”
“I always have.”
Silence. Are we running in circles? I’m torn between fatigue, annoyance both with myself and Rei, and confusion. Yep, definitely pretty drunk by now and my can is empty, I realize.
“Okay, but since when do you show it?”, I mumble, the argument lacking sharpness in every aspect. I like it. Of course I like that he’s far less of a wet rag nowadays than he used to be. He’s still hopeless in almost every aspect of everyday life, but he’s attentive now and somehow I want him to pay attention to me, too, need him to.
“Miri did that”, he contemplates quietly. “And you, I guess. We’re family.”
“We’re what?!”, I shriek, a lot more awake again, and stare at Rei’s unfaltering expression with wide eyes.
“We’re family”, he repeats in the same monotone rumble he always uses, putting the cigarette out in the ashtray without even looking, still staring into the night. “Miri said so”, he explains, and I nod. Makes sense, coming from her, probably another thing they’ve been discussing at daycare –
“I agree with her”, Rei states, firmly now. My jaw has gone slack and my vision blurry. Goddamnit, why do these beers have to hit with such force now? I didn’t even intend to get this drunk.
“We’re family, Rei repeats slowly, testing the flavor of the words he just used and apparently approves. “We take care of each other. Let me take care of you, Kazuki.”
I blink, try to focus. Blink again. “Whaddaya mean?”, I mumble dumbly and feel Rei’s vice-like arm wrap around my shoulders. “You need sleep”, he orders and turns me around, so I’m facing the dark living room suddenly, tripping a little over the edge and leaning into Rei with everything I’ve got since the whole damn rooms keeps on tilting.
It tilts and sways some more when he hauls me up with unexpected ease and puts me on his bony shoulder, wire arms securing me in place while he ascends the stairs, quiet as a cat and strong like a panther. I’m amazed, really, but way too gone to comment on anything that’s going on. He carries me all the way up, into my room, and slowly bends towards my bed so that I slide from his shoulder and land on the mattress with the softest of thuds. I mumble something, my thanks, probably, hopefully. I feel the lights go out in my head. I can sleep now. I’m being taken care of. By Rei, of all people. Miri and I are the luckiest birds alive.