Archive of Our Own

JANE: And then, and then!!!!
JANE: He had the utter audacity, right after I mentioned that we had had a pretty rough day down in the tombs.
JANE: You know, a day RIFE with puzzles, adventures, and intrigue.
JANE: Do you know what he asked me?
ROXY: janey i can take a big fuckin gander
ROXY: biggest goose in the whole bunch
ROXY: was it about dirk
JANE: It was about Dirk!!!!!!
ROXY: oh girl fucking nooooo
JANE: OH FUCKING YES!!!!
JANE: He was like “Oh well you know dirk and i went on a little expedition of our own!”
JANE: Which.
JANE: He had already told me.
JANE: MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!
JANE: And then there was something else he said, about trying to give Dirk a hug at the end, but he flashstepped away, and then he felt too AWKWARD to say anything about it!
ROXY: and lemme guess
ROXY: he didnt say anythin to dirk
JANE: Nope! No frickin’ way Jose!
JANE: And I’ve asked him if he wants me to be an intermediary!
JANE: Because believe you me, I would be more than happy to tell Dirk about all of Jake’s little bugbears with him!
JANE: But of course!
JANE: He said no!
JANE: Because god forbid someone try to SOLVE his problems for once!
JANE: Instead of just using us as a big ol’ sounding board!

You’re sitting on Jane’s couch on LOCAH, ironically being used as somewhat of a sounding board for Jane. At the very least she does it to your face, and if you’re being honest, you don't mind it as much as she does. It helps that you kind of treat a lot of it as juicy gossip, as well as vital information for keeping this fractured group together. It ain’t easy work being, sort of by default, the most stable person in the bunch.

It definitely makes it easier to be stable now that you’re sober. It’s been— what, three weeks now?— since the day you and Jane grabbed as many bottles as you could fit in your sylladexes, and dumped them into an apparently bottomless pit, just a wailing hole in the sands of your neon planet. You had personally, with her and Fefeta’s help of course, tipped every last glass, decanter and bottle deep into the gaping maw. You didn’t even hear a crash. As far as you know, they either vanished entirely, or fell so far down as to crack Nix right on the noggin. Good riddance, either way.

After the last green glass flipped its way into oblivion, all you wanted in that moment was another drink. But so far, you’ve managed to keep sober.

The knowledge that you could fairly easily alchemize more is never far from your mind. But so far, the pressure of being Jane’s rock has kept you from doing it.

Speaking of, you’d better stop reminiscing and get back to supporting her.

ROXY: yeaaaaah
ROXY: like god i feel like for this social sitch jake just decided to crank up the obliviomatic up to five frickin thousand
ROXY: seriously dude used to like
ROXY: at least ask after us didnt he
JANE: He did! But ever since he and Dirk got together…
JANE: God and don’t get me started on Dirk right now!
ROXY: got a feelin its a lil too late
JANE: You’re right!!!
JANE: I feel like he just doesn’t even bother anymore!
JANE: It’s always just HAL!!!!
JANE: And don’t get me wrong, Hal’s a hoot and a half, I love the guy!
JANE: But criminy would it kill Dirk to talk to me without obfuscating his presence for once?
ROXY: mhm
ROXY: and whenever i try to ask hal about dirk, he gets all fuckin cagey!
ROXY: like at first i thought it was just dirk askin him to give the loverboys a bit of privacy
ROXY: but like
ROXY: can i be honest?
ROXY: i dont really think even hals on good terms with dirk
ROXY: like its less his usual cryptic bullshit all “i cant tell you that roxy”
ROXY: and more “i dunno, dirk left me at home again”
JANE: Oh for pete’s sake!
JANE: You mean Dirk isn’t even on good terms with himself?
JANE: And Jake never liked Hal in the first place, so that just adds another person that no one is talking to!!!!
JANE: Just
JANE: God dammit!
JANE: Why are boys such a damn headache all the time?
ROXY: lol youre tellin me
ROXY: us gals over here havin to deal with a manpainx3 combob

Jane shakes her head, angry but clearly weary. She yawns, stretching her arms above her head, a bit of her stomach visible just above her jeans as her shirt slides upwards. You always appreciated that about Jane. Just in a strictly platonic sense, you think she looks nice. You’ve always been a little too skinny, relying on stolen pumpkin and whatever rations your mother left you to get by. Horking up your breakfast after a bender also helped to keep you pretty trim. But Jane, well, she’s well-fed. Healthy.

The jeans are a nice look as well. She stopped wearing skirts a little bit back, complaining about their impracticality when raiding tombs. It never really stopped you, but again, it’s nice to see her branching out. Same with her lack of makeup. The first few days you remember her wearing it almost to excess. But after a few nights crashed out on your couch, waking up with bleary eyes and smudged mascara, she’s gotten used to walking around barefaced. You can’t blame her, either. It’s a nice face to see unadulterated. You kind of wish you were confident enough to do the same, but you still don’t feel secure enough to pass to your liking without it.

Either way, Jane looks beat, dark bags appearing around her eyes. Neither of you have really moved from the couch since you got home. You stay at her place most nights. You don’t feel entirely comfortable going back to the place you spent sixteen years alone. Jane’s house, well. It’s meant for two. And since her father went missing, you’ve been able to fill that gap.

JANE: Ugh, I’m so thirsty from complaining.
JANE: But I don’t feel like getting uuuuup.
JANE: Fefeta can you…
JANE: Ah

Fefeta is curled up snugly on a plush chair on the other side of the room. You both inherently understand that it would be a war crime to wake her. Fortunately, Jane has a genius bff who has thought of this exact scenario.

ROXY: ah ah
ROXY: crocker
ROXY: allow me

You flip on a small fenestrated wall that’s lying on the side table, barely bigger than coaster and most often used as such. You reach your hand through the void, feeling the freezing cold of the fridge, as you pull out a couple sodas. A Fanta for you, a Faygo Redpop for her. The cold glass aches at your fingers as you toss her the bottle.

ROXY: there you go my lady
ROXY: fresh clown juice straight from the cold hold

She grimaces, giving the bottle a look.

JANE: Oh good grief, you didn’t get this from him, did you?
ROXY: nah not directly
ROXY: just the alchemization resippy
ROXY: look its either that or orange sody
ROXY: and i know ur sick to frickin death of orange
JANE: I am.
JANE: Good grief why do Dirk’s tastes have to be so particular?
ROXY: hey blame his bro not him
ROXY: anyways you want it?
JANE: Yes, yes, I’ll drink it.

She lifts up her shirt just enough to get a good grip on the bottlecap (you don’t know why you’re fixated on her midriff today. Is it jealousy? I mean you’d kill to look like Jane but), cracking it open with a snap. She places the cap to the side, then takes a long, deep pull, artificial red draining out of the glass, reflecting in the dim light of skaia onto her living room floor. She drains the whole bottle in one draw, then clunks it on the side table, letting out an audible “ah” and wiping her mouth. She doesn’t look less tired, but she smiles at you regardless.

JANE: Good heavens I needed that.
JANE: Tomb-raiding really gets a girl thirsty.

She leans against your side. She’s been doing that more lately. Just little touches, here and there. You’re not sure how to feel about them. She probably got a lot more of those growing up, which is to say, any at all. Of course she’d be used more to touch than you.
You remember this first time you held her. It wasn’t exactly the ideal scenario for a friendly embrace, you grabbing her torso as Dirk hurtled you Jakewards on a hoverboard, but it was your first. You were grinning like an idiot while she was holding onto you for dear life, screaming up a storm. Right after you failed to kiss her. Fun times.

She feels warm. Her drowsiness is contagious, and you let yourself lean back against her.

ROXY: yeah lmao
ROXY: that and an extended tirade against the shitty boys in our lives
JANE: Oh just…
JANE: Who needs boys?
JANE: Seriously, just… fuck boys!
ROXY: lmao true that
ROXY: honestly maybe i should be sayin fuck boys a bit more often
ROXY: takin more steps to distance myself from men because so far its just nonstop miscommunication and drama
ROXY: you know besides the obvious one i already took lmao
JANE: Oh?
JANE: Wait…
JANE: Which obvious step?

Her voice grows heavier, sleepier, but her question shocks you wide awake. Shit, you slipped up. You… haven’t told her. Or Jake for that matter, but something makes you think Jake wouldn’t give a shit.

Of course, Dirk knows you’re trans. After all, so is he. He told you so back when you were young, before Callie introduced you to Jane and Jake. Back when you were still communicating via bootleg radio transmissions. Back when he told you that he wasn’t a girl anymore, that he was a boy and he was going to stay that way. Back when you, still in love with that blank white text on that command interface, figured out that you wanted to be a girl.
It made it easier, honestly, loving him. I mean, it made perfect sense to your isolation-addled kid brain. The two of you in perfect sync. He was a boy that was once a girl, you were a girl who was once a boy. You were in love with him, as a girl should love a boy, the princess to knight, and he…

Wasn’t.

Yeah, the formula kind of broke down there, didn’t it?

You told Callie. You shared a similar insecurity, something about the way her species looks being out of the ordinary for what a human would consider beautiful. But you still maintain an indelible curiosity for what she looks like behind the screen. No matter what she says, you’re sure your friend is beautiful. How could she not be, from her art and the florid way she texts? Probably at least as beautiful as Jane. That’s what you feel for both of them. An unceasing jealousy. Jane, so easily able to eschew the trappings of womanhood and still remain beautiful. You don’t know if she’ll see you the same way about you once she knows the truth.

But you decide to trust her.

You don’t want things to change, but dammit, eventually she’ll find out. And maybe, maybe, she’ll let you off gently. Maybe she won’t use that sleuthing brain to pick apart every shred of your identity. To find out what makes you not a woman.

Maybe.

ROXY: oh
ROXY: you know uhh
ROXY: look i guess i never told you this but
ROXY: im
ROXY: um
ROXY: trans

She’s silent. Deathly silent. But the whole time, her shoulder never leaves yours. You expected a recoil, but she just… stands there. Steady as a rock.

JANE: Oh.
JANE: Okay.
JANE: Sorry that’s…

You feel an arm wrap around you. Her short hair brushes against your chin.

JANE: Thank you for telling me.
JANE: I had no idea.
ROXY: oh well
ROXY: uh
ROXY: guess i should take that as a compliment then
ROXY: didnt think i passed that well
ROXY: but like
ROXY: are you like
ROXY: okay with that?

She shifts, bumping her head into her chest. She murmurs quietly.

JANE: Why wouldn’t I be?
ROXY: i mean
ROXY: yknow uh
ROXY: i know in your time things arent great with
ROXY: uhhh trans folks
ROXY: and i thought that you might like
ROXY: not see me as a
ROXY: as a real girl
JANE: Hush.
JANE: You…
JANE: You’re as much a girl as I am…
JANE: We’re… the only two left now.
JANE: Us and Fefeta…
JANE: Dear, sweet Fefeta.
JANE: And… you’re my best friend, Rox.
JANE: This… I wouldn’t change how I think of you…
JANE: For the world…

ROXY: just
ROXY: fuck
ROXY: jane thank you
JANE: Mmmmm, no.
JANE: Thank you.
JANE: I… I’ve been pulling a big Jake haven’t I?
JANE: You’ve got… SO much going on and I’ve just been whinging…
JANE: On and on…
JANE: About the same boys you have to deal with…
ROXY: look janey its cool
ROXY: im kinda used to it
JANE: But… ‘snot fair, is it?
JANE: Rrremind me when I wake up, mkay?
ROXY: lol
ROXY: okay janey
ROXY: want me to getcha to bed?
ROXY: youre lookin hella bushed girl
JANE: Mmmm, but you’re…
JANE: Is it okay if I just pass out here?
ROXY: jane its your couch
ROXY: pretty sure youre legally allowed to sleep on it whenever you want
JANE: Mmmmmmmthanks…

You failed to grasp the full intent of her statement. You realize this as she plants her head directly in your lap. Already she’s starting to softly snore. Well, looks like you’re trapped.

You should probably mind this more. But you don’t. You just sigh softly, removing her glasses. Her face is so peaceful when she’s sleeping, all worry lines untensed, all her stress melting away. You smile softly and brush your hand across her hair.

And that’s when you realize that you love Jane Crocker.

This doesn’t come to you triumphantly. No choir of cherubs comes to fill you full of golden arrows. There’s no swelling string section to accompany this revelation. It’s just you, in Jane’s dark, quiet house, with a barefaced girl snoozing on your lap, realizing you’re horribly, stupidly in love with her.

If anything, the realization comes like a breaking rainstorm, and you start crying.

Because of course, of course you had to be in love with Jane. Of course it was never jealousy, at least not completely. It just makes sense, doesn’t it? She and Callie were the last people you didn’t have a crush on, and now…

Fuck.

You loved Callie too. You loved her with a longing that spanned the galaxy between you. And now she’s gone. You know she is. You’ve called her name, Calliope, into the void countless times and never heard from her again.

You stifle your sobs, holding your arm under your eyes so the drops don’t fall on dear, sweet, beautiful Jane.

And you know that you can never, ever tell her this. Any of this.

For one, she’s straight, like you thought you were a few minutes ago. And it’s probably best that you never let her know that you aren’t. You want to be her safe place, and if she knew that you were yet another danger to her, that would vanish for her.

Secondly, of course, is that you really just can’t help yourself, can you, you scumbag?

This means that you have, essentially, fallen for every friend, hell, every PERSON, you’ve ever met. It’d be funny if it weren’t so fucking pointless. Not like you’d ever be anyone’s romantic priority. It’s probably better, frankly, if you stay away from romance altogether. Better for you, better for everyone. You’re less likely to screw somebody over like that. You’ve already alienated Dirk, and probably permanently messed up Hal.

And finally, just…

You’re tired. Jane is tired. And you loving her would just put another burden on the fragile stalemate that is your friend group.

So, you do the only thing you can. You let Jane rest, and you cry yourself to sleep, still in the arms of the girl you love, but whom you know will never love you back.