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“What are you doing here?”
Donghyuck asked with disinterest, turning his back towards the door – leaving it open to let the intruder in, not that he wants to, but he knows the elder will not have second thoughts in knocking down his door if left unanswered.
“Johnny told me you left.”
Donghyuck ignored the statement, walking towards the couch before sitting down comfortably, casually throwing both of his feet at the table and directed his focus back at the movie he was watching with peace earlier before a violent knock met his ears.
Mark, obviously irritated at the way the younger is acting, trudged towards the front of the television, blocking Donghyuck’s view from whatever he’s watching.
Donghyuck inhaled deeply, trying his best to control the surge of negative emotions rushing through his veins.
“Look Mark, I’m trying to have a peaceful night and if you’re just here to ruin that, leave.” Donghyuck answered, still not meeting the elder’s gaze.
Donghyuck expected the elder to continue nagging but to his surprise, Mark remained silent, but he could still feel his eyes boring into him. He couldn’t know the expression Mark is currently wearing since he refuses to look at the elder but he’s ninety percent sure that anger is one of them.
Before Donghyuck could say anything else or move his body, Mark walked closer towards him before bending down and grabbed Donghyuck chin, closing the gap between their lips.
Donghyuck had both of his eyes wide open, clearly surprised by the elder’s abrupt action. Time froze for him, mind quiet in haze and seemingly not able to digest what’s happening. Mark slowly bit Donghyuck’s lower lip, making the younger finally snap back to reality, pushing the elder away with force.
“What the fuck Mark?” Donghyuck spatted, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he stood up, furiously walking towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water. However, no matter how tough he looks like, there’s nothing that could pass by Mark’s eyes when it comes to him.
He could feel his hands shaking as he placed the glass back down in the table. He tried to regain his normal breathing, shoving down the rush of jealousy creeping into him – again.
Donghyuck knows he has no right to feel angry. Mark is now a single man and he could eat-faces with whoever he wants. He shouldn’t mind. He shouldn’t feel angry. He shouldn’t feel hurt.
But god, looking at Mark with somebody else on his arms makes him feel sick to the stomach.
Literally.
He hasn’t even had any ounce of liquor yet but he found himself inside a tiny dirty bathroom in Ten’s abode, on his knees as he puke his guts out after seeing Mark “grinding bodies”, as what his mind describes due to the very close proximity, with Koeun.
Again, he should not care. He should stick with his plan – to move on from Mark and to focus on improving himself, and not let his feelings get in the way.
But fuck, it fucking hurts.
But he’s not going to admit that anytime soon.
“Why did you leave Hyuck?”
He didn’t notice Mark’s presence behind him until the elder’s voice resurfaced in his tiny kitchen.
“It was boring.” Donghyuck answered blankly, his back still facing the elder. The thing about Donghyuck is that he’s very good at pretending to be nonchalant about serious stuff so it didn’t came as a surprise when his voice didn’t wavered even a bit.
Mark walked towards the younger before grabbing Donghyuck’s wrist, forcing the latter to look at him.
“I’m asking you again Donghyuck, why did you left?”
Donghyuck looked at anywhere but Mark, scoffing in the way as he tries to yank his wrist from the elder’s hold.
“I told you I fucking got bored, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
It’s Mark’s turn to scoff, tightening his hold into the latter’s skin as he looked at Donghyuck with intimidation.
“That’s not what I heard though, Jaemin told me you left the moment you saw me with Koeun.”
“Then he’s probably lying, why the hell would I care if you’re with Koeun?” Donghyuck answered back, his tone dripping with challenge because he refuses to let his pride down. He should show Mark that he’s not a puppy who would follow him everywhere and anywhere. Mark might be “that” guy everyone’s willing to die for just to have him but he refuses to be that guy.
“In a relationship, one has to love more than the other.”
That’s fucking bullshit. In a relationship, both must love equally.
Mark must have noticed Donghyuck’s strong determination of not going down so he loosens his hold into the younger’s wrist before stepping back.
“Alright, damn, I’m just wasting my time here after all.” Mark said, almost like talking to himself. “Well, I should go, I just dropped by here to check if you’re okay which I shouldn’t really have done since, you know-“
Since we’re not together anymore.
Donghyuck remained still, hearing Mark’s footsteps fading inside his tiny apartment and a sound of the main door opening and closing. Just then, he breathes out heavily, looking up into the ceiling to stop the burning feeling on his eyes. He doesn’t know how many seconds have passed but he found himself seated back on his couch, eyes on the abandoned movie in front of him as his mind wanders off to the elder.
Please come back.
Donghyuck wants to say. But he knows Mark won’t. Donghyuck knows Mark loves – or loved – him but he doesn’t know until what extent. In their relationship, it’s always him planning, it’s always him giving, it’s always him doing the first step.
Is it too selfish for him to ask the world to make Mark do the first move even just this once?
It’s not yet even two months since they’ve broken up but Mark already found someone else.
Is that how insignificant he is?
Donghyuck thoughts came into stop when he heard a soft knock coming from his main door. Nor really gathering much thought about it, he didn’t think twice before opening the door, only for the back of his head to be pulled abruptly towards the intruder. Before he could scream or react violently, he felt familiar lips landing into his with so much vigor and want.
He wanted to pull back but he can’t, not anymore. He missed this. He misses Mark so much that he can’t find himself to push the elder away. Instead, a sob ripped from his throat and before Mark could pull back, he hurriedly grabbed Mark’s hair to pull him closer.
Mark got the massage, pushing both of their bodies inside the room before shutting the front door with his feet. He immediately backed Donghyuck against the wall, removing both of the younger’s hand from his head as he pins them on the wall above Donghyuck’s head. He coaxed the younger’s mouth to open up, dipping his hungry tongue into Donghyuck’s hot cavern which made the latter break out a moan.
Their kiss was messy and almost all tongue, mix of their saliva dripping from each other’s lips but neither of them stopped. Their heads are too occupied with longing that this is the only way to drive away their deprivation.
Trying to catch their breath, Mark slowly detached his lips from the Donghyuck’s and proceeded to give small pecks and sucks into the younger’s golden skin.
“I came here to- “ Mark started in between kisses. Donghyuck’s eyes were shut off, drunken with the feeling of Mark’s body touching his but he’s still listening. “to know if you still love me.”
What?
“When Jaemin told me you left angry when you saw me with Koeun, I thought that maybe, maybe you still love me.”
It sounded so wrong in Donghyuck’s ears. Mark sounding so hurt is so wrong.
Mark went down on his knees, grabbing into the hem of Donghyuck’s shirt as he raised it up before kissing Donghyuck’s tummy which made the younger shiver in pleasure.
“Hyuck,” Mark sounded so desperate and sad and it made Donghyuck’s heart break than it already was. “Hyuck tell me, why did you leave.”
It’s so unfair, Donghyuck thinks – how Mark has this power ever him, the power to make him give in to his inner desires.
Releasing a sigh, he tuned his head towards the other area of the room to prevent himself from looking at the elder.
“Jaemin was wrong.”
He felt Mark froze from his spot but before he could move away, Donghyuck continued.
“I did not leave immediately, I still have to fucking puke my guts out because I was so disgusted with the thought that there’s someone else other than me who’s allowed to be that fucking close to you. I still have to fucking sit in that fucking dirty bathroom floor for god-knows how many minutes and –“Donghyuck stopped to let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding, – “let everything sink in that you’re not mine anymore before leaving that stupid party.”
Donghyuck didn’t notice Mark getting up until he felt the elder’s hand on his chin before his lips was engulfed with the elder’s again.
There was no hint of softness on how Mark is dealing with his mouth. Mark sucked and bit, earning himself broken whimpers from the younger. Everything happened too fast and it was so overwhelming for Donghyuck that he didn’t notice himself getting lied down into the floor until his shoulder felt the pricking of the cold tiles underneath him.
“And you kissed your ex.” Mark suddenly said before sucking hard on Donghyuck collarbone which made Donghyuck moan from both pain and pleasure. “You kissed your ex. For what Hyuck? To make me jealous? Fuck, I was so jealous. I never knew I could feel that jealous.” Mark manhandled Donghyuck in removing his shirt before diving his tongue into the younger’s nipple.
“Ah! Mark-“ Donghyuck shut both of his eyes tightly, grabbing into the elder’s hair which earned him a groan form the man on top of him.
Mark continued his ministrations and Donghyuck could feel Mark getting hard as the elder’s clothed members was slowly grinding on top of his.
Donghyuck could feel Mark’s tongue swirling into his hipbones, with Mark’s hand pulling Donghyuck’s shorts down but not fully, only enough to let him gain access into the younger’s sensitive skin.
Donghyuck could feel his own member throbbing inside his boxers and fuck, he wants – no, he needs.
As if sensing Donghyuck’s agony, pulled his body away from Donghyuck before removing his clothes hastily, leaving himself naked in front of the sun kissed boy. Before he pushed himself down again, he looked into the younger’s eyes which were also staring back at his and Donghyuck doesn’t have to voice it out for Mark to understand. Without any more thoughts, he bended Donghyuck’s knees before pushing a finger into the younger’s hole.
Donghyuck gasped at the sudden contact, a bead of pre-cum was also starting to form into the top on his aching member. Before he knows it, Mark added the second digit, scissoring him open but despite the haste, he could feel Mark’s gentleness at every push and pull.
After the preparation, Donghyuck couldn’t help but let out a broken whine when Mark pulled out his digits from Donghyuck’s hole, but not without whispering “you’re okay, I got you,” into the younger’s ears before positioning himself in between Donghyuck’s legs.
A part of Mark is telling him that he still has a chance to pull both of them from the floor and continue their activities in Donghyuck’s bedroom, but he can’t wait anymore.
Without wasting anymore time, he let himself push inside the younger’s heating walls and the sound Donghyuck was making only made him feel hard that he already is. Donghyuck’s voice has always been a part of the younger that he will forever listen to but Donghyuck’s voice during love-making – it’s intoxicating and alluring, making him feel high, greedy, and selfish.
And that’s exactly what causes him to pound harshly into the younger’s hole, earning him continuous gasps and moans from the younger but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not especially since he knows the younger loves it like this – hard and breathtakingly slow.
They’ve only dated for a year and three months, but Mark already knows Donghyuck’s body like it’s his own art, so he knew what position and what angle will make Donghyuck see stars and that’s exactly what he did. Ruthlessly pistoning himself without missing Donghyuck’s prostate.
It didn’t take long for Donghyuck to spill his cum into his stomach and it only took Mark a few more thrusts to nut himself inside the younger. Everything smelt like sex and sweat but the two of them did not bother to move for a long while – just listening to each other’s breathing and heartbeat as they’re body sandwiched together in the floor.
After a few minutes, Donghyuck finally pushed the elder slowly which Mark obediently complied. They took turns in the bathroom to wash up before settling themselves in Donghyuck tiny bed, with the younger’s head lying in Mar’s chest.
Silence engulfed the tiny space and Donghyuck knows he has to talk but before he could open his mouth, Mark beats him to it.
“The thing with Koeun, as childish as it may sound, I only did it to make you jealous.”
Donghyuck, surprised at the sudden confession, raised his head from Mark’s chest which made the elder shift uncomfortable before sitting up.
“I couldn’t accept it. You don’t know how broken I was when you suddenly decided to break up with me Hyuck. I thought I could move on but I couldn’t. Every single day, I was dying to call you, to ask for a chance. I know it’s petty of me to do it but when Jaemin told me you’ll go to the party, I planned to make you jealous, to see if I could ignite even the smallest reaction from you. I was willing to take anything as a sign that maybe, we still have a chance.”
Mark stopped to take a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling as if he’s carefully choosing the next words he’s going to say.
“When you told me you fell out of love, I didn’t believe it. But as time passed by, I realized that it was just me being in denial and that I just couldn’t accept that you’re leaving. But now,”
Mark paused, shifting his eyes into the younger who’s looking at him with guilt and sadness. It’s clear that Donghyuck is having deep thoughts and Mark never wanted to enter Donghyuck’s mind until now because he just wants to understand.
“Now,” Mark whispered, slowly moving his face towards Donghyuck before pressing his lips into the latter’s. It was a simple kiss – no push, no bites – like Mark’s merely placing his lips on top of Donghyuck’s but the action still had the younger’s eyes close emotionally.
“Hyuck, please tell me why you broke up with me.” Mark asked softly as he leans his forehead into Donghyuck’s whose eyes are still close.
Donghyuck then took a deep breath as he opens his eyes to look into Mark’s glassy ones. Mustering the courage, he took Mark’s hand before intertwining their fingers together.
“You just don’t love me the way I love you Mark.” Donghyuck started slowly, a tear already escaping from his eyes. Mark wants to comfort the man in front of him but he can’t, now when his heart if also breaking so he just sat still and patiently waited for the younger to continue.
“Before you get a bad idea, I just want to let you know that you, as a person, is enough but-“ Donghyuck stopped, shifting his position before placing both of his hands into Mark’s cheeks to make sure Mark will understand every single word he’s about to say. “I felt like it’s always just me making efforts for the two of us.”
“I plan every dates, I initiate every plans, I’m the only one who gets jealous, you never questioned everything I do, and fuck- I know I should be thankful because that could only mean you trust me a lot but you just – you just don’t care Mark. It’s like, I’m just there physically, a title-holder as your boyfriend but I just couldn’t touch you emotionally.”
“You don’t react every time I get asked out, when I ask you what we’re going to do on a free day, all you say is “you decide”, I mean – sure, you pay for almost all of our dates but Mark, I just need you to be here too.” Donghyuck sobs as he placed a palm on his chest just above his beating heart.
“I want you to love me the way I love you. I know both of us love differently but even just the amount Mark, can’t you reciprocate the amount of love I’m giving you?”
“I don’t need you to gift me expensive stuff, I don’t need you to bring me to extravagant restaurants, you know that Mark, I don’t ask you unnecessary things but I just want you to at least plan for us sometimes. It’s always me inviting myself to your apartment or me inviting you here in mine, it’s always me adjusting just to put something for our relationship while you just won’t do anything until I ask you to and people might think it’s cute when you do everything I tell you to but it’s pretty exhausting in my part because why do I have to ask in the first place? I don’t want to sound stupid or anything but even the smallest things, you can’t even do them for me in your own accord like buying me medicine when I’m sick or initiating to hold my hand when we’re outside the streets. Mark it feels like I’m always in a hurry just to catch up with the two of us while you’re just walking because you know I’ll aways make us work.”
“I want you to tell me what you want too! If you’re not comfortable is holding my hand in public, the tell me, I will understand. If you want to stay in on a weekend, tell me and I’ll give you privacy. If you want to take me out somewhere, do it!"
Donghyuck covered his face with both of his hands as he cried loudly, unable to stop himself from wailing and Mark could only gather Donghyuck in his arms as he continuously presses small kisses into the younger’s chestnut hair while murmuring various apologies.
“I’m very sorry Hyuck. I’m very sorry. I didn’t know you were feeling that way. I’m sorry.”
Mark felt himself tearing up as he hears the latter crying brokenly into his chest and he hated it. He hates it when Donghyuck – a ball of sunshine, the sun’s human twin, and the epitome of energy, gets like this – sad and broken, most of all, when he’s the cause of it.
They both stayed in each other’s arms for a while until Donghyuck’s cries died down. When Donghyuck finally decided to pull himself from the elder to fix himself, Mark decided that it’s his time to talk. To tell Donghyuck that he’s wrong about him not loving Donghyuck equally.
“Hyuck, I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. I never knew you felt that way. All this time, I thought you like it when I just devote into you that’s why I just followed whatever you wanted me to do and that’s also because I know you won’t let me do stupid things that could harm me, or us, in any way.”
Mark explained, his eyes full of seriousness and Donghyuck could see that the elder is truly and genuinely clueless.
“And maybe-“ Mark paused. Donghyuck could see the hesitation drowning in the elder’s eyes and so he brought a thumb to caress Mark’s hand to encourage him to speak further.
“Maybe it’s time for you to know. Taeyong-hyung has been telling me that I should tell you this but I’m a coward. I know that’s no excuse but I literally back out every last minute every single time I plan on telling you.”
Donghyuck listened intently and he could feel his heart beating so loudly, afraid of what Mark has not been telling him.
“I’m so insecure Hyuck. I’m just so damn insecure that I can’t come out of unique ways to surprise you. You said I don’t care when someone asks you out? That’s not true Hyuck. Remember your childhood best friend? Lee Jeno? When he didn’t know you were dating me and came to surprise you on your birthday with a bouquet of roses and a whole box of imported chocolates from Paris? You thought, until now, that I never prepared anything for you that day but that’s not true. I looked for sunflowers you know? I really tried my best, I even asked Ten hyung to help me but I just couldn’t find a shop that sells them because it wasn’t their season yet but Jaemin’s neighbor luckily have sunflowers planted in their garden and they had one felt in bloom so I didn’t waste the opportunity and asked Mrs. Oh if I could buy it. She gave it to me for free and I was very happy, I was excited to give it to you but when I saw you with the bouquet, tell me Hyuck, how could a single sunflower compare to a bouquet of fresh roses? That’s why I didn’t bother giving it to you anymore.”
Donghyuck has his mouth slightly agape as he listens to Mark’s explanation, obviously surprised with the new information he’s hearing.
“And on Valentine’s Day? I wrote a poem for you. I wrote it for weeks and I thought it was the most creative gift I could give you but when I saw what the transferee gave you – a whole big ass sketch of a portrait of you – it made me feel so fucking small and for the first time in my life, I thought I’m just not good at anything.”
Mark laughed bitterly, not meeting Donghyuck’s guilty eyes. “And I was happy, when you told me it’s okay that I didn’t get you anything. I was happy because I thought nothing else matters as long as you’ll have me, as long as I can give you what you want.”
“I didn’t know it was slowly making you doubt my love for you. Because of my insecurities, I just stopped and thought that as long as I’m one call away, then it’s okay. That’s why I’m sorry. But please believe me when I say I don’t love you less than you love me Hyuck. In fact, I think my love for you is greater. But that’s not important anymore, I just want you to know that I never took you for granted and that I appreciate every single time you ask for me because those we’re the only times I feel important in this world – that someone, the person that I love, wants me and loves me for me.”
Mark was already crying and Donghyuck softly patted Mark’s shoulder, encouraging the elder to let it all out. He never imagined Mark, out of all the people, to feel insecure. Mark – who has the highest GPA in their department, soccer captain, sought by half of the population in their university, Mark’s whose literally the guy every person wishes to have as a partner.
“Why didn’t you tell me anything?” Donghyuck asked softly.
“Because I thought it’s weak. I’m scared it will only be an addition to the already-many flaws I showed you.”
“Oh Mark, you’re so stupid.” Donghyuck said as he engulfed the elder into a big embrace. “I will never think less of you if you showed me a weakness Mark. Even though you’re literally perfect in my eyes, I know you’re still a person who is capable of getting hurt.”
“You too Hyuck, if you had told me about your worries, you know I’d do something about it right? I would have stepped up my game and I know, I know you just told me why you’d have to tell me everything but the two of us needs to communicate Hyuck especially when it’s about things like this. So please, if you would still have me, please give me another chance to show you just how much I love you.” Mark pleads, giving Donghyuck’s shoulder soft kisses.
Donghyuck laughed, tightening his hold unto the elder’s which made Mark softly groan.
“Now that I know the two of us are just being stupid, of course I’d still give us a chance. I’m not letting you go anymore.” Donghyuck answered with a sign of relief in his tone.
Pulling away, Mark was also smiling gently as he looks at the sun kissed boy in front of him. “Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend again?”
“Hmm,” Donghyuck answered playfully, crossing his arms as he pretended to think deeply which made Mark groan because he knows what this kind of reaction is. “You can but only on one condition.”
“Name it,” Mark answered, fully accepting the challenge.
“Tell me what you want to do right now. Tell me what you want to try. Don’t hesitate. Walk on the beach? Watch sunset? Or watch your favorite Spiderman movie? Or you want me to cook something you’ve been craving? Tell me Mark, this time let’s not just do what I want.”
The whole room turned tranquil and Donghyuck got worried that he might have said something wrong because the elder is looking at him with an intense gaze and it’s giving him chills into his spine. Mark had never looked at him like this before – dominant and uncareful.
“I want you to ride me.”