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It was late. Dazai was sitting on the sofa, staring at the tv while it played some show he really didn’t care about. He’d been home all day as it was one of his few days off, an official one not just one of the days he couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed, even if those days were less common now.
He’d been sitting there for at least an hour, waiting for Chuuya to come home, he didn’t usually wait for their husband, choosing to trust he’d come home and fall asleep in their bed, waking up with his strong, comforting arms around their torso.
So why was he waiting for him tonight?
Well earlier in the week they’d been on his phone scrolling through YouTube, slacking off at work, until he came across a video, “my journey with asexuality”. He was curious, he’d heard about the term before but never knew what it was, he never really had a reason to explore terms like that in the port mafia, it took 4 years of denial to accept he was bi anyway (mainly due to his own mind but still). he’s changed since then though, so he clicked on it and as he watched the video, he started to realise something more and more that made his heart sink for some odd reason. (He learned later that it was because of fear)
He felt the same as this person had described.
It was too similar of a feeling
He had to be asexual .
That was the only logical solution his mind could think of.
But this couldn’t be right. He enjoyed sex with chuuya, he enjoyed those moments with his lover.
Didn’t he?
Well he enjoyed the intmate moments before it happened, where chuuya cared for them and made sure he was okay and the moments after where he was taken care of, sinking into a warm bath, taking the deep ache away from his bones as Chuuya praised them, making him feel oh so comfortable and relaxed in his tender hold behind him, rubbing circles into his back. In those moments he felt like melted butter in his hands.
But then of course there was that feeling of slight disgust at actually doing it and the urge to dissociate whenever they actually did it, not because of chuuya of course not, but that was just something that happened with everyone else right? That’s the whole reason they never brought it up.
But the more he watched the video the more they realised, no that isn’t something everyone feels. Most people actually enjoy it and aren’t repulsed by the thought or even just the sight of it..
He never felt “excited” for it to happen like other people apparently do, more dreading it.
He felt broken. Would chuuya still want to be with someone so unnatural ? The brunette already thought he was inhuman but this just confirmed it for him. He didn't feel something nearly everyone else did. Of course he wasn't the only one to feel this way but he felt so alone .
So they’d spent the next few days looking into what asexuality actually was and he soon identified more and more with the term.
Sure he cried once or twice because of being so overwhelmed with emotions he didn't know how to process, but he wouldn't let chuuya know that, it’d destroy him knowing he wasn’t there to help console them.
That’s how it came to this.
Sitting on the sofa at 11:34pm, picking at his skin anxiously, not listening to a thing the tv was playing, waiting for his husband to come home so they could talk about it .
He'd never felt so anxious, not even when he confessed to chuuya, waiting on the other side of the latter’s door, waiting for a reply to the crumpled letter which he wrote, in half broken japanese, i love you.
A rule the two had always stuck to, years before they started dating let alone got married, was to tell the other if a boundary changes.
They’d always told each other if something made them uncomfortable or if one thing that they were comfortable with at one point had changed, and they were no longer comfortable with that thing.
Like how one day Dazai would be fine talking to the boss but the next he wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as him, saying how even thinking about him could make him feel so sick he thought he'd die.
Or how chuuya would be fine getting his wounds cleaned but as soon as it involved a needle, he’d completely freak out and shut down.
They never questioned these things and always listened to each other , always told each other .
Always
Except this.
It’d been in his mind for a while, questions like “is this how it’s supposed to feel?” “Does everyone feel so disgusted at this thing we have to do ?” “Do we have to do it?” But they’d ignored it. Sure it’d become a more prominent thought as the days passed but if they just ignored it, then it’d go away right?
But it didn’t, did it.
(Don’t ignore your feelings kids, it’s bad for your noggin)
The sound of keys unlocking the door pull him away from their thoughts. Suddenly his heart was in his throat and they were regretting ever thinking about doing this. He should've just gone to bed like normal but surely if he rushed to their bed now and dived into it like a child would, chuuya’d worry. Whenever chuuya worries about him specifically it makes his heart twist and ache and their stomachs doing enough of that right now thank you very much.
He heard the ruffle of fabric while Chuuya hung his hat and coat, not being as quiet as usual, probably hearing the tv.
Fuck it.
He can do this
He’s a grown ass adult
They used to be the prodigy of the port mafia for god's sake and he’s getting scared of something so small as this?
They could do this.
As chuuya walked into the living room, hair dishevelled and a soft smile tugging at his lips, it felt like butterflies were about to erupt from his chest.
He can’t do this.
They absolutely cannot do this.
He’s going to keel over
Chuuyas probably going to think he’s been hiding this from him the whole time on purpose or that he’s been somehow pressuring Dazai to have sex with him unintentionally or-
Jesus Christ get a grip osamu.
The older walked up to the nervous brunette and sat down next to him putting his hand on their upper thigh, a comforting gesture he started doing long ago.
“You're up late Osamu, expected you to be sleeping like the dead right now” he chuckled softly, voice like honey seeping into their ears.
“Ah one can dream my dear chibi”they replied, chuckling back but it came across more of a nervous chuckle than he’d hoped for, their mask already cracking and falling to the ground.
A small frown formed at the shorters lips, pulling the tallers hands onto his lap replacing his hand on their thigh, “is everything alright angel? You seem nervous.” His voice was calm and patient. Not commanding, just concerned for his lover.
“Well um..” fuck cmon speak idiot “there’s something i want to uh talk about. I realised s-something the other day-“damn his nervous stutter “and I just thought it’s something we should discu- discuss.”
Fuck yeah, did it without breaking down.
Achievement.
“Alright darling, I’m not going to force you to explain more than you want to but I’ll understand whatever you have to say, I promise” the older of the two smiles reassuringly, putting the younger's nerves slightly at ease.
Deep breaths Dazai, just talk about the basics.
“Okay so um” they take a deep sigh, he hopes whatever’s out there (even if it’s just arahabaki) that this goes well, that chuuya won’t think he’s the monster they already think they are.
“Every time I've had sex, and not just with you with anyone for a matter of fact, I’ve never felt… thrilled about it? Ugh that’s not the right word for it, I don’t even know what I’m saying, this is so stupid I should just-” they put his head into their hands, pulling them away from a now slightly more concerned chuuya and exhale heavily, overwhelmed. They were rambling, one of the things he really didn’t want to happen.
“Love, calm down, it’s alright just breathe hm? I’m here to listen, we can work whatever’s bothering you out together okay?” He put a hand onto the others shoulder, trying to soothe them, acting as an anchor of sorts so they don’t drift away into the crevices of his mind.
The brunette takes a deep, shaky breath and puts a hand onto his lover’s, the one that’s on his shoulder, and smiled.
It wasn’t the best smile he’s ever done, shaky and didn’t quite reach their eyes, but it was genuine and quite frankly all he could muster right now.
He didn’t even know why this was such a big deal.
They looked into his lover's eyes and started talking.
“Okay so, whenever I’ve had sex with someone I’ve never really enjoyed it I guess? It’s always felt like something I had to do in a way, I dunno I just feel.. disgusted even by thinking about it sometimes but i thought, everyone feels this way, no one truly likes it.. that’s why I’ve never brought it up before” they took a breath to steady themselves, their eyes found the floor very interesting at this moment. mm yes, oak flooring is the epitome of interesting to mr Osamu “I’m fine” Dazai.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is I just.. I don't want to have sex anymore.. ever actually. I think I’m asexual but I’m not 100% on that one I just.. It feels right. I’m still looking into it but for now, I think I’m ace.
I don't want you to hate me but I just.., you deserve to know.I wanted to tell you sooner that something just didn’t feel right but I was so fucking scared..but You’re the person I want to live for, I trust you.”
He looks up into cerulean blue eyes and finds an expression he can only describe with one thought that flooded his mind,
Why was I so worried?
Chuuya looked as if he was about to hug him so tight they’d probably lose all air circulation.
The ginger nodded slowly, a slight smile at his lips “okay, that’s completely fine. I’d never force you to do something you're not comfortable with,I’m so proud of you osamu.I can tell this was eating you up inside” He chuckles lightly.
Tears welled up in their left eye, relief flooding their veins.
He doesn’t hate me.
The teary eyed detective smiled slightly, “so you don’t think I’m a monster?this doesn’t bother you? its- it’s okay to feel like this?” The last one mainly to himself. Logically he knew it was perfectly fine to feel like this, to simply say no to something and his wish be answered like that, to not like one thing that others do but that small side of his brain kept him worrying.
Once again his hands were taken by gloved ones, this time pushed against the others chest, “you’d never be a monster to me. sure I enjoy sex but making you feel comfortable, making you feel loved? That comes first and of course it’s okay to feel like that, I can take care of myself in that sense. Feeling like this, it shows you’re human and have things you don’t like, humans do that! They feel” the other chuckled and brought one hand up to the brunettes cheek and softly swiped away a stray tear, “I’ll always love you osamu, never think that because I experience something you don’t that it’ll change”
And that’s all they needed to hear.
Dazai collapsed against chuuyas chest, gasping sobs escaping them as they cried from pure relief of being accepted, not thrown away or discarded just because their libido (or lack of) didn’t match up with his lovers (a silly thought now he’s thinking back on it.)
Chuuya rubbed circles into his crying lover's back, whispering sweet nothings into the other’s ear, telling them how he’s so proud of them for telling him and how they’ll always be the same to him, no matter what.
In the end sometimes words are enough.
Sometimes sex doesn’t make a relationship, even if that’s what Dazai had been taught.
What mori had told them
but Sometimes chuuya is enough for Dazai
And Dazai is always enough for chuuya.