Work Text:
Kaveh sat curled up on Alhaitham’s worn couch cushions, knees pulled up to his chest and tucked inside the oversized hoodie that he’d stolen from his boyfriend months prior. His journal was precariously balanced on top, open to a spread that was a mix of half-hearted anime doodles and a scribbled mess that was supposed to be the completed poem he’d be presenting to his class tomorrow. He drug his pen across the page as he attempted to revise the third stanza again. There was just something off about the tone, something that made the emotional impact fall apart rather than crescendo as the poem carried on towards its end.
The new version wasn’t any better. He scrawled out the new verses with a bit too much force, the hurried pen strokes slightly tearing the page and scarring the clean one beneath it with dots of ink. Even worse, his actions only added to the smears of ink that had been accumulating up the side of his left hand for hours now. Kaveh sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand in a futile attempt to quell the headache that’d been building throughout the day.
It didn’t help that, while he was always grateful to indulge in Alhaitham’s cooking, whatever he was busy making in the kitchen was permeating their apartment with a strong mix of smells. The sensory input was too much on top of everything else right now. He shifted, fixing the hem placement on his socks before tossing the journal aside altogether. It bounced off the coffee table before landing with a heavy thunk on the floor.
“What was that? Is everything okay?” Alhaitham asked from the kitchen. Kaveh heard the sizzling of the pan grow louder as some form of liquid was added to it. “Remember that we can’t afford any trips to the urgent care right now without begging Tighnari for help again.”
Kaveh let out a loud and exaggerated groan, the kind he knew annoyed his boyfriend to death. “I know,” he said, drawing out the second word with a yawn. “It was just my journal meeting its demise. It deserves it for wounding my very soul.”
“Just don’t break anything, we need to get the security deposit back when we move out.”
The couch received a swift kick to one of its legs before Kaveh draped himself over one of its arms, kicking his feet in the air. He couldn’t wait for this week to be over already, so he’d finally have time to paint or go out with his friends while pretending all of his academic problems ceased to exist for two days.
Light clanging sounded from the kitchen as Alhaitham retrieved what sounded like one of their seldom-used pot lids from the cabinet above the stove. Kaveh winced and covered one of his ears, opting to curl up on the couch facing away from the offending noises.
He squeezed his eyes shut only to find them flying open moments later. “That’s it,” he mumbled to himself, clambering to retrieve his journal from the floor. “I just need to focus on the construction surrounding the way words sound within the poem to help it flow better.”
Kaveh returned to his tried and true couch perch, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he crossed out old verses with ease and wrote down potential new variations in their place. Getting this done on time wasn’t a hopeless endeavor after all.
Thank the archons, considering he was pretty sure his professor would murder him on the spot if he claimed to have written nothing at all again. The man somehow always saw through his lies and, worse yet, actively encouraged him to “just try harder to put his talents to use.”
As if it had ever been that easy.
“Dinner’s almost done,” Alhaitham said, rounding the corner and leaning against the wall. “I made apple curry tonight.”
Kaveh didn’t look up from his work. “I’m not hungry.”
If he had, he would’ve noticed the way Alhaitham’s mouth set in a firm line before he left the room without another word.
It seemed like mere moments later when his journal was being ripped out of his hands and replaced with a plate full of food. Kaveh frowned, reaching for his work and setting the plate beside him on the couch. Alhaitham simply held it higher, staring down at him with an unimpressed glare.
“What the fuck, Haitham, that’s mine!” Kaveh tried to swipe the journal back again, only to balk as Alhaitham turned and chucked it across the room.
“You’re done working for now. It’s time for dinner.”
“I told you already, I’m not hungry.”
“I don’t care,” Alhaitham placed a hand on Kaveh’s shoulder as he tried to stand, easing him back onto the couch. He retrieved his own plate before sitting cross-legged in front of him on the floor. “You need to eat.”
“You know that eating when I don’t feel up to it always makes me sick.” Kaveh ignored the plate next to him, using his hands to emphasize his words. “I don’t know why you’re making this into such a big deal.”
“That’s not what this is about and you know it,” Alhaitham said, taking a bite of his food. Kaveh had to admit that it did look good, he just wasn’t sure if the combined smell and texture of the dish would be a good choice on top of everything else right now. He felt his headache flare and rested his head in his hands with a wince.
“What are you even talking about? I’m just not hungry right now, I’ll eat something later.”
“That’d be fine if it were true.”
“So you’re accusing me of lying now?” Kaveh’s voice was rising in volume, grating to his own ears. “What would I even be lying about? Do you think I don’t want to eat the food that you spent hours making, is that it? Are you offended that I’m rejecting your offering or some shit?”
“You’re really going to make me spell this out,” Alhaitham’s spoon was scraping the edges of his plate, his knuckles white around his grip on the cutlery.
“Yes, please enlighten me to what you’re thinking, Alhaitham,” Kaveh raised his face to meet Alhaitham’s eyes. “I’m clearly too stupid to figure it out for myself.”
“You’re not eating again,” Alhaitham said, ignoring the way that Kaveh’s hands started to shake. “You’ve been skipping meals, saying you’re not hungry whenever anyone offers you food, and living on snacks and coffee alone. It’s the same as always.”
Kaveh stared at a scuff mark on the floor. A long moment passed before he cleared his throat, gripping the edge of the couch with his shaking hands. “I am eating. Listen, Haitham, I - I appreciate the concern, I do. But I promise that’s not what’s happening. I’ve just had a hell of a week between my classes and work. I keep getting lost in all of my projects and I never realize how much time is passing once I’m absorbed in something, you know that. I’ll try to -”
“You want me to believe that?” Alhaitham sounded angry for the first time since the conversation had begun. He stabbed a piece of chicken on his plate. “Then eat.”
“Can’t you just trust me?” Kaveh cast a glance at the food growing cold beside him on the couch. The smell was adding to the nausea that had begun crawling up his throat. “Please?”
“I couldn’t before. What makes this time any different?”
“Because that isn’t what’s happening! I just need to -”
“You need to do better, Kaveh. No more excuses. Not this time.”
“I’m not making excuses!” Kaveh shouted, rising to his feet. He started pacing the room, articulating with his arms as everything came bubbling out from inside of him. “This isn’t something I can fix because I’m not relapsing! I can’t just fix my brain, okay? My ADHD is a part of me that is never going to leave, so stop pretending that I’m just going to be fine all the time. That’s not how this works. I do my best, each and every day, to try to live life in a way that’s good. Just because you can’t handle it when I’m struggling, or when I’m distracted from basic life functions because my brain forgets that anything outside of my work exists, doesn’t mean it’s intentional. I can’t even remember to do the things I need to in order to survive most of the time! But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying, so don’t sit there and scold me about what I need to do. All I need to do is end this conversation before you insult me again.”
Grabbing hold of the plate that he’d long ago abandoned on the couch, Kaveh lifted the dish high in the air before throwing it on the ground. The dish shattered, food splattering all over himself, the furniture, and the floor. Ceramic shards, large and small, sat in the carnage like stars.
He didn’t stop to see Alhaitham’s reaction before leaving the room, stomping down the hallway. Closing the bathroom door behind him, Kaveh sunk to the floor, finally allowing himself to cry.
The tears were ugly and heavy, clouding his vision with their desperation. The ache in his chest didn’t help the way that his breaths were short and pained. His throat was raw, bile coating his mouth with a bitter taste. Kaveh couldn’t steady himself, ease up the pressure, giving in to the hyperventilation as he slammed his fists against the floor and bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He felt lightheaded, the room spinning around him even after he shut his eyes tight.
He needed to calm down. Kaveh laid down against the cool tiles of the bathroom floor, the frigid temperature stark against his flush cheeks. His limbs were still shaking as he curled himself into a ball, one hand free to tug on his hair. It felt greasy. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken a shower.
“Kaveh?” Alhaitham was outside the door, his voice softer than it had been all night. That was intentional - he only ever changed his tone when he knew Kaveh was upset. “Are you alright?”
Kaveh didn’t answer. He let the sound of his sobs be his reply.
The door opened. Kaveh kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want to see Alhaitham right now, didn’t want him to see him like this.
(Kaveh knew that Alhaitham had seen him in much more dire straits before, but that didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want his boyfriend to see him struggling at all.)
The sound of fabric rustling reached Kaveh’s ears as Alhaitham laid down on the floor beside him. Kaveh opened his eyes to concern in Alhaitham’s own. Alhaitham reached out, carefully grabbing Kaveh’s wrist before bringing his hand to rest against Alhaitham’s chest.
“Follow my breathing. In and out.”
It was easy to lose track of time as Kaveh lost himself in the steady rise and fall of Alhaitham’s chest, the calculated rhythm of his breathing intentionally grounding. Before too long, Kaveh’s own was largely under control, only the occasional hiccup hitching in his throat.
“I’m sorry,” Alhaitham said, running his hand through Kaveh’s hair, carefully detangling the occasional knot. “I’m just worried about you.”
“Why didn’t you say so?” Kaveh fiddled with the buttons on Alhaitham’s coat. “You could have just asked me how I was doing.”
“I did.”
“No, you interrogated me and accused me of lying. There’s a difference.”
“Then I’ll work on it.”
“You’d better,” Kaveh looked Alhaitham in the eyes. “I’m not having this happen again.”
Alhaitham nodded before sitting upright, guiding Kaveh to follow him with a gentle hand on his back. “Let’s get you cleaned up and then we can figure out what to do from there.”
Kaveh hummed in agreement, resting with his back against the sink cabinets while watching as Alhaitham drew a bath. He worked quickly and efficiently, adding in some of Kaveh’s favorite bubble bath before turning the faucet off. After a quick test of the water’s temperature, Alhaitham returned his attention to his boyfriend.
“Do you need help getting undressed and into the tub?”
As much as Kaveh hated to admit it, his limbs were still a bit too unsteady for him to be confident in his ability to stand. He nodded, giving Alhaitham the okay.
Alhaitham guided Kaveh’s arms to rest up and over his head before starting with his hoodie and the binder underneath it. The hoodie came off easily, discarded in the corner without a second thought. However, Alhaitham paused, his hands resting just above the bottom hem of Kaveh’s binder.
“Is this alright?”
“Yes, just - don’t stare.”
Alhaitham looked nowhere but Kaveh’s eyes as he removed the undergarment, opting to fold and place it near the sink rather than on the floor. Kaveh hadn’t realized just how much it had been constricting his breathing until that moment, his chest shaking as he drew in a full breath. A quick glance down revealed light bruising along his ribs. He frowned, lightly touching the marks and wincing at the throb of pain that followed. He hadn’t realized he’d left his binder on for too long.
“Kaveh?” Alhaitham’s hand was holding his chin. “Can you stand?”
Kaveh stared at the bubbles resting on the surface of the bath, focusing on the way the light reflected off their clear surface. “No.”
The word was barely out of Kaveh’s mouth before Alhaitham was lifting him onto the edge of the tub. With one hand on the small of his back to prevent Kaveh from falling backwards, Alhaitham used the other to swiftly remove his sweatpants, underwear, and socks. In another moment, Kaveh was being settled into the bath, the water embracing him in a warm hug.
The fresh floral scent of the bubbles combined with the heat of the bath was already easing the tension out of Kaveh’s body, the stress melting away from his bones until all he could think about was how he wanted to stay there forever.
“Can I wash your hair?” Alhaitham asked.
“Please.”
Alhaitham’s touch was gentle as he massaged the shampoo into Kaveh’s hair, careful to avoid tugging on his scalp. After several minutes, he’d managed to detangle each strand and coat it in the product. Kaveh dunked his hair under the water at Alhaitham’s instruction, allowing his boyfriend to rinse his locks before they repeated the process with his conditioner.
As soon as his hair was thoroughly cleaned, Alhaitham sat back on his heels. “Will you be able to clean the rest of your body?”
Kaveh nodded. Everything Alhaitham had done already had already helped to calm his nervous system. He could do this.
“Then I’ll leave a fresh change of clothes by the sink for you.”
Alhaitham was nearly out the door when he stopped, turning to meet Kaveh’s eye. “I have a question about dinner.”
“Okay,” Kaveh said, massacring a handful of bubbles in his fist.
“Did anything about my cooking upset you?”
“Mainly the smell. The texture probably would have, too.”
“Is there anything I can make you?”
Kaveh paused in his bubble city rampage, contemplating the foods that were usually safe to eat whenever he was overwhelmed. “Plain pasta, if we have any.”
“Okay.”
The next few minutes were spent destroying every last bubble in his bath while listening to the sounds of Alhaitham cooking. It should have been comforting, the sound of the kitchen sink filling up a pot and dry pasta being shaken out of its box, the timer being set on the stove.
All it did was make Kaveh feel guilty.
He washed himself as quickly as he could manage, excess body wash pooling on the side of the tub because he’d squeezed the bottle too fast. Kaveh was up and out of the bath before it had finished draining. Wrapping a towel around himself, he went to leave the bathroom only to run headfirst into Alhaitham’s chest and the clothes he was holding.
“You’re finished already?” Alhaitham asked, passing the clothes into Kaveh’s arms. “You should have let me know you were done, I could’ve helped you out of the bath.”
“That’s okay, I’m…doing better, now,” Kaveh said, hugging the bundle of fabric against his chest. “Thank you, though.”
“I’ll let you get dressed. I’m almost done cooking, I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”
Kaveh could barely get out a word of acknowledgement before Alhaitham had gone. He set about getting dressed, noting that every item Alhaitham had grabbed was one of his favorites. A smile rose at the sight of the sweatshirt he’d chosen. It was full of holes and faded, but the garment had been purchased during their first date years back.
It felt like a promise.
The journey to their bedroom was quick, as Kaveh avoided looking toward the kitchen and the mess his outburst had left behind on his way there. Before long, he was curled up beneath their blankets and hugging the plush that Cyno had won him at the arcade last semester.
Grabbing the remote, he turned on the TV and surfed through the home screen apps before settling on YouTube. Kaveh had just turned on a longplay of a new game that had come out which all of his friends wouldn’t stop talking about when Alhaitham entered with a bowl of noodles in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
Alhaitham placed the items beside Kaveh on the bedside table before crawling under the blankets himself. He watched the video playing with an air of abject misery about him.
“I still don’t know why all of you like these games.”
“They’re art,” Kaveh said, grabbing ahold of the bowl and taking a bite of the noodles. He hummed in happiness before going back for more. “Ask Cyno to give you the complete breakdown of the story sometime, then you’ll understand.”
“I think I’ll pass.”
The conversation lulled as Kaveh ate and half-watched the TV, stopping now and again to drink some water. It was helping his residual headache to hurt less, if nothing else.
“I’m sorry, too,” Kaveh said, returning the empty bowl and glass to the bedside table. Hands free, he pulled Alhaitham against his chest, wrapping his arms around his torso and resting his chin on his shoulder. Alhaitham leaned into his touch, nestling his face into Kaveh’s neck.
They laid together, listening to the tinny sound of the video’s audio coming through the TV’s speakers without casting a single glance at its screen. Alhaitham used one of his hands to tease Kaveh’s drying hair through his fingers while Kaveh peppered light kisses against the base of his neck.
“Promise me one thing,” Alhaitham paused in his movements, waiting until Kaveh prompted him to continue. “Tell me how you’re doing. I won’t know that you need help if you don’t say anything.”
“I can’t promise that I’ll remember to, or know what to say, but I’ll try.”
Alhaitham rolled over to face Kaveh. “That’s okay.”
“We’ll try together?” Kaveh asked, cupping Alhaitham’s chin and rubbing his thumb along his jawline.
“We’ll try together.” Alhaitham leaned into his touch, closing the gap between them to meet Kaveh’s lips in a gentle kiss.
Kaveh deepened it, drawing out the moment until he felt ready to part.