Chapter Text
Izuku is nervous. It's one thing to perform in random comedy clubs, bars but your own special? Sold out?
Its fucking wild. Izuku never ever thought he'd be here.
"Izuku, are you ready?" His manager Tamaki says to him
Izuku shakes out his hands and nods "As I'll ever be!"
Tamaki hands him a mic and the song "Candy store" starts playing.
The Riverdale version.
The crowd is screaming and clapping. Izuku can't help but grin as his boots hit the stage, as the track plays.
"But im feeling nice, here's some advice listen up biatch!" Izuku says into the mic as he stands center stage.
The crowd screams, the music dies. Izuku sighs, two hands on the mic.
"I cannot believe I'm here" he looks out into the crowd "You all look so great!"
The crowd claps, a few whistles.
"I have a really special set for y'all. It's my first netflix special-"
Crowd goes "Woooo"
Izuku smiles and nods "Thankyou"
"So when Netflix asked me to do a special, I honestly almost shit myself. I didn't think I was that funny? Sure I've sold out tons of shows, been in a few movies. But a special??? Me??"
Izuku points to himself with a head tilt and rapidly blinks "Wild."
Izuku walks toward the small chair that has a towel, a set of water bottles on it.
"Coming up with a name for the special was hard. But I'm happy with what I picked. Now I know what you are thinking. 'Izuku your special is basically telling us to bully you & bullying is wrong'"
Izuku looks into the crowd & speaks directly into the mic "I've got news for you ... I'm a big advocate for bullying, okay?"
The crowd laughs.
"Izuku bullying is bad, weren't you bullied as a kid?" He makes his voice high pitch "Shut up! It's not! Yes i was and now look at me??"
Izuku hold his arms wide and his voice sounds far "I HAVE MY OWN SPECIAL"
Laughter. Izuku smiles bringing the mic to his face
"Let me tell you why I'm an advocate for bullying. Not the kind that makes people feel bad about themselves. I advocate for the type of bullying that makes you wanna get smarter, better. Because honestly." Izuku pauses "There's way too many dumb fucks in this world and its because weve gone soft"
More laughter.
"See. If it weren't for bullying. Well. I probably wouldn't have found out I was colorblind" Izuku walks to one end of the stage. "For those of you who don't know, I am deutan color blind. Which means I struggle with red, yellow, green and brown. That means these colors tend to be the same to me"
"Picture this, 4 year old Izuku, this little chunky thing. Coloring away" izuku mimics a coloring motion. "I had a best friend. Now this wasn't one of those friends I picked off the street like a stray. This was one of those, our moms are childhood best friends, who planned their pregnancies to line up so their kids could be friends''
Laughter.
Izuku makes a face.
"Yeah my mom was one of / those / moms. My best friend Kacchan was my /very first bully/ and honestly. It's fair id bully the kid who called me kacchan too"
More laughter
"So Kacchan and I are coloring away in preschool. Blue sky, green grass. Yellow sun. Ya know the works we were fucking artist okay? The best. Then Kacchan looks over and goes" izuku makes his voice as child-like as he can. "Oi! Why the hell is your grass blue?"
"Kacchan had a mouth on him as a kid. Granted. I taught him everything he knows. But we aren't talking about that"
"So kacchan tells me my grass is blue. That my sky is red and my sun green. And I'm like "No it's not. Kacchan. You are stupid" and we started arguing because obviously Kacchan is lying ya know? He is just being an asshole. Because Kacchan was an / asshole / kid. Kacchan was one of those kids that your mom goes 'he picks on you cause he likes you'. Because she doesn't know how to tell you that a kid is just a shitty kid"
The crowd laughs
"But anyways. It was so bad we physically fought. Can you just imagine that shit? Two 4 yr olds going at eachother like cats. We probably fought for a total of 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure it was longer & I'm sure I saw our teacher taking bets. She was running a baby fighting ring, she / caused / our fight i know it. I just can't prove"
Laughter.
Izuku runs a hand through his hair, walks to grab a water bottle.
"So now i'm sitting at the doctor with my mom and we find out im colorblind. My mom" He sighs and shakes his head with a smile "she is crybaby y'all. She has enough tears in her ducts that if ya let her. She'd probably drown the world. It's a trait she passed on me. Now i love my momma, i am a mommas boy."
The crowd whoops and he smiles and nods
"But sometimes. My momma is dramatic as fuck. This was one of those moments. The doctor comes and breaks the news to us. 'Mrs. Midoriya, your son is colorblind'. My momma starts bawling, hugging me to her chest. 'I'm so sorry izuku'. This woman was crying as if we were told i got 5 minutes to live"
Izuku looks aspirated
"Poor doctor couldn't even explain what type of colorblindness i had for a good half hour. AND WHEN HE DID? SHE CRIED MORE. My mother was acting as if I had some deadly disease."
So much laughter it makes izuku smile. This is why he wanted to become a comedian to make people laugh, to bring them joy.
Izuku looks seriously at the crowd, "Finding out I was colorblind wasn't so bad. My mom felt bad, I couldn't see colors right, so she let me have ice cream before dinner. It was only bad when i got to school and kacchan starts 'zuzu''"
The crowd awes at the nickname
"I know cute right? That was the only cute thing about Kacchan. He was feral fucking gremlin. I'm pretty sure he was the devil's spawn"
The crowd laughs
"So kacchan starts chanting 'zuzu don't know his colors' and ya know? When you are a kid and some other kid is talking shit? You gotta deny deny deny? Even if it's true? That was me. Deny deny deny"
"That was the start of my bullying. It doesn't help that I have a smart ass mouth because at one point, Kacchan didn't know how to spell and so I was like "I may not know my colors. But at least i can spell" that's how i ended up in the boys bathroom garbage can"
The crowd laughs.
"You gonna tell me bullying is bad when after that Kacchan learned to spell? & I learned my colors? I'm a famous comedian now because of this too. You mean to tell me it's bad? when have I seen all these positive results?"
There are some shouts of yes in the crowd and Izuku tilts his head and points.
"YOU ARE FUCKING LIAR"
Booming laughter
"I bet if we brought back the kind of bullying that pushed you to be better and do better and less about making ya feel bad about yourself. The world would be better."
Izuku drinks some water.
"There is a downside to this form of bullying though"
The crowd is silent, everything feels as though it's about to get real heavy and serious. Izuku grips the mic and puts his head down and closes his eyes.
"Because of this bullying" a pause "I have a degradation kink now"
He opens his eyes and looks into the crowd and they are in tears.
"GUYS im serioussss" Izuku walks across the stage "here's how i found out. Kill two birds with one stone because how it's also how i found out i am a / bottom / through and through"
"Now back in college I was dating this girl, who now is one of my very best friends" Izuku turns to the camera "Ochako baby I love you."
"For the record only queer people can actually stay friends with their exes. Ochako is as gay as me just more of a disaster then i am" Izuku sighs "She is gonna punch me for this and then be shocked when i say"
Izuku makes his voice whiney and high pitch "Harder daddy"
Loud laughter, he laughs too.
"I should have known I was into men when I had no issues about Ochako using a strap on me. Granted I should wonder why the hell she had a strap on to start with but young and dumb whatever. NOW i'm not saying because you as male let your girl use one you, you are gay or bi or whatever. No no." Izuku points to himself "For me personally. This shoulda been a gay flag"
The crowd laughs
Izuku grins and winks "You like that huh?"
"So we are getting down to business, she is preping me. Calling me pretty" Izuku smirks "Turns out i have a praise kink too what a combination"
Izuku makes his voice husky and brings the mic really close to his mouth.
"I like to be called a good little slut in bed. That really gets my rocks off"
Izuku laughs with the crowd
Izuku starts mimicking a fingering motion, one finger, then two, then three and he is really working the air open and he is biting his bottom lip.
"So she has me like this, fingers in my ass and she telling me how good i am, how pretty i look for her and how beautiful i'll look after she wrecks me"
Izuku stops the fingering motion spreads his legs and hold his hand out in a stop motion
"Now hear me out!" He says "there's alarms going off in the back of my head but am i listening? Absolutely not. Why? Because my moans were so much fucking louder"
The crowd laughs
"So we finally get to said act. Im all fours taking this hot pink silicone dick in my ass like a fucking champ. Ochako pulling my hair calling me all types of things. Then she goes''
Izuku leans in close huffing all into the mic
"God you are such a good little whore"
Izuku whines into the mic, eyes closed, sweat beating down his eyebrow.
"That did me in. It really did. Cummed so hard i swore i died"
The crowd laughs and izuku nods
"AND IF I DID DIED THAT DAY. WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO GO. DEATH BY ORGASM"
The crowd whoops Izuku nods with a grin. "I knowww"
"That's how we figured out hey you got some kinks. But this was also the start of small little addiction. This is why me and Ochako broke up, not because i liked getting fucked in my ass. But my sex drive was now higher than hers and she / couldn't / handle it"
Somewhere in a random city. Ochako face palms and swears to slap Izuku.
"So we broke it off. We started wing maning for each other, setting each other up on dates"
Izuku stares into the camera "Let the record show Ochako SUCKS at this"
Again somewhere Ochako flips the TV off.
"Now she doesnt suck because the guys she picked were ugly. No no the guys she picked were hot as fuck."
Izuku looks into the camera and winks "Tenya im talk about you baby"
"Tenya is this 6'0" izuku flexes "Built guy and he wears glasses"
Izuku sighs as if he is daydreamin about Tenya.
"The guy is a fucking hunk and a good friend of mine. I told you only queer people stay friends with their exes"
Laughter.
"The thing with Tenya is, he is a little bit vanilla" Izuku holds his hand up to show little "I was recently discovered / whore / i didn't want vanilla. I wanted kinky and crazy."
Izuku fake chokes himself and goes "i wanted to be choked and called 'daddy's little slut'."
He looks out into the crowd
"I might have a daddy kink. Gotta explore that"
Laughter.
"Now Tenya was not bad at sex. The man is," Izuku kisses his hand "Mauh chief kiss. It's just he is a three position kinda guy"
Izuku holds three fingers up "Missionary, doggy and cowgirl"
The crowd oohs
"I know! Classics! Love them! I love Tenya! He is a total sweetheart! I know there is a twink out there for him! It just ISN'T ME. I'M A WHORE NOT A HOUSEWIFE" Izuku stomps his foot.
Bright laughter
"I asked Tenya to choke me one time and he did it no problem. So he isn't / all / that vanilla. But when I asked him to fuck me five ways to sunday calling me his dollar store whore. He drew the line"
Izuku does his best to sound like Tenya "Izuku i will not use such language during our love making"
The crowd ‘Aws’
"I KNOWWW he called it love making. I felt so dirttyyy." Izuku's eyes dart from side to side and he licks his lips. "It was only for a moment though because the slut in me was desperate. Because i am dirty, i'm a dirty little whore and i / need / to be treated as such"
Izuku sighs "after trying three more times to get Tenya to manhandle me and call me mean names in bed. I decided I couldn't subject poor Tenya to my sex habits. It wasn't fair to me or him."
The crowds ‘Aws’ and Izuku nods
"But we are still good friends and he is probably watching this blushing all cute right now!" Izuku smiles into the camera.
Izuku would be correct at home in his bed Tenya blushes and mutters a "oh Izuku".
The hour is slowly winding down and Izuku is getting ready to do his final joke. He scratches the back of his head and smiles at the crowd.
"You guys have been so great. And I'm almost sad our time is almost done. I hope i get another special soon because this has been a dream really"
"Anyways yall remember Kacchan yeah? My first bully?"
The crowd nods and shouts yes.
"Okay. So he was my bully but like our moms were still friends. So we would do like 'family dinners' every now and again WHICH like was wild because I wasn't a snitch and Kacchan was definitely not telling his mom he was a dickhead and bully. So we / actually / had to act civil"
Izuku looks at the first row and nods at the confused faces. "I know. Me too"
"I have no idea WHY we didn't just behave this way outside of our houses. But hey whatever. I don't know why I never told on him either. Maybe my kinks were active way earlier than they should have been"
Laughter and Izuku grins and nods.
"So anyways my family recently had a get together with kacchan's, I unfortunately could not go because i was busy doing some shows before having to do this one. Now after we had become old enough to make the choice of to come or not come to these dinners. Kacchan opted out real quick. So i haven't seen him since before college"
"My cousin Hitoshi went though and calls me up"
Izuku holds hand to ear and goes "Have you seen Kacchan?"
"And I'm like no? Haven't seen him in years. And he goes "don't you have him on social media?" Like no last time i had kacchan on social media it was myspace"
"So he gives me this @ for instagram and so i go look it up"
Izuku wipes his face with the towel
"I start losing my shit when i see the page. Because kacchan is model but like kacchan is so HAWWTTT"
Izuku drags a hand down his face
"So I says to Hitoshi i says "why are you telling me this?" And he says my bully was asking for me. And i was shocked to hear that kacchan was even there. We talking some more and i let it slip im being a creep"
Izuku snorts "of course I'm being a creep he gets hot of course. Imma stalk his page a little. Hitoshi asks what I'd do if I ever saw him in person again. Now fair. Valid question the guy tormented me for years, 'course he wants to know ya know?"
Izuku bites his lip "wanna know what i said?"
Chorus of 'Yes' fills the venue.
"Lets remember. Kacchan. Got HAWT. Not HOT. H A W T."
"Scrolling through all his pictures, the rational part of my brain that should give a proper answer checks out. You know who is driving the car now?"
Izuku grips the mic with two hands "Whore Izuku is driving the car now guys. So i says to Hitoshi i says"
Izuku adjusts his grip the mic and brings it close so its pressed against his lips and he says
"ID LET HIM BULLY ME"
He tilts his head up and mic still to his mouth.
The crowd erupts in loud laughter, music starts to play. The crowd is on their feet clapping
Izuku bows and grins and says
"YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! GOODNIGHT!"
The camera zooms in on his face all smiling, freckles on full display and the TV pauses.
And a gruff deep voice says "Bully you huh?"