Work Text:
Reggie didn´t knew when he became “the funny one”. At least he doesn't remember. I mean, since he started spending time with the Sunset Curve guys, everyone had their place and their reason for being in the band.
Luke had always been "the leader." Charismatic, excited and jumping from side to side as if his body couldn't contain the emotions building inside him, Reggie had even heard people refer to him as a dreamer and he thought it was a beautiful description, considering that he was the one who was in charge of the band getting out of that dream and becoming a reality.
Alex was nothing but charming. Polite and always treating people with the respect that over time he felt everyone stopped giving him. He was "the realist" and the one who was in charge of leveling Luke's strength by helping them remember what was true and what was not.
For his part, Bobby was "the dangerous one." His hair longer than his parents would like and black clothes that made the ladies in the church almost swoon the moment they saw him. He was the one who would be in charge of solving the band's problems and would fight as many times as he needed to keep them safe.
And Reggie… well, he was Reggie. Bobby had mentioned in a practice how he was "the funny one" and everyone agreed without hesitation. Only that. There was no wonderful description that nailed it down perfectly, no real use for the band. Just "the funny one"
Which never really left Reggie's head. It didn't make sense. Because when he was in eighth grade he realized that compared to his friends he didn't stand out. To everyone he was just the nerd with the gigantic braces, who was too good at math to ever be interested in anything more interesting. He was just the friend of the cool guys in the band. ̶H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶a̶l̶s̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶y̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶w̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶b̶a̶d̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶o̶m̶e̶.̶
So he decided that people would recognize him from then on.
He took everything that in his head was the best part of his friends. He started with Luke because it was a little easier for him. Like Luke, he flirted with girls whenever he could, skipped class so he could hide in the music room, and didn't mind hiding his emotions, like he had before; Like Alex, he began to care for people and treat them as kindly as possible; He copied Bobby's style a bit, because Bobby was cool and the red and black were so much better than the overalls he wore. The jokes came alone.
Of course he understands that everyone makes jokes from time to time, it was a normal thing that even his parents did. And he started like that. A comment just when I should say it and that's it, everyone would laugh. Not from him, as they sometimes did, but with him.
So, it was something that had happened between his decision of being noticed and high school. Though it wasn't too hard to figure out why. Things in middle school hadn't been very good. In fact, they had stunk. The kids were cruel, especially when it came to band stuff. They would always find a way to tease them right where it hurt the most, without getting to a point where it was enough for the teachers to categorize it as more than a "harmless joke." Things got bad at home and suddenly Reggie was in a circle going from one bad place to another. Band practices were like a lifeline, but they weren't always enough, with everyone having their own problems at home, they weren't as constant as they'd like them to be.
He thinks he reasoned it something like “Well, if I'm going to drown anyway, why not laugh a little before I do?” He liked to think that, because it was a very positive way of looking at it. Laughing felt good
So without realizing it, something had changed between then and his death. He wasn't even sure if it was for the better or for the worse. Because his jokes had earned him so many laughs, pats on the back, and flattery like never before, along with that feeling of light that filled his chest when it happened. But he had also been the victim of so many white eyes, bored stares, and snide comments that would make him feel like his stomach was eating itself up.
Then he died, Julie came, Caleb and his stupid magic came, Julie's magical hug came and everything changed abruptly. Alex was too perceptive of change, and Luke would fit in anywhere he was allowed to play music. Reggie would be in the middle, wanting to stop the momentum of change, but as always trying to follow Luke´s calm.
So, it was fine. Even Alex seemed to be relaxed about it after a few months. And despite all that change, Reggie was still the same old Reggie. Which was fine, because even though all his jokes were different, they were generally received the same way, no matter how silly the comment that came out of his mouth was.
It almost seemed like a chain reaction. Alex would roll his eyes without try to hide the treacherous smile that grew on his lips, Luke would smile with all his teeth and look at Julie, who would laugh genuinely. And Reggie felt like a hot air balloon floating across the room powered by the energy building in his chest.
Then, the tranquility that he had felt for so long made him forget that he was often annoying. He knew it and he was fine with it. Because it wasn't like, all the time, just sometimes when he wouldn't know how to measure when to say or do something. It used to happen a lot before Julie and the Phantoms and he was fine with just people liking him when they were in a good mood. Which wasn't a bad thing, because he didn't like being around people in a bad mood either.
That's when, as was often the case, the universe decided to remind Reggie that he was indeed annoying. Maybe it had lasted so long this time because no one but his friends could see him and it's not like they got angry often. The day had started with his head full of thoughts reminding him of all sorts of negative things, from his parents, to Caleb's jolts, and then everyone was going about their own business until rehearsal began, so he was all in his head until that moment. Not a great idea.
Unlike usual, Reggie couldn't wait for the rehearsal to end. The tension could be touched in the air and every negative emotion filled the studio completely. Luke and Julie were stressing out with everyone because despite their many attempts, the song just didn't sound the way they wanted, and Alex was standing next to him, looking like he was about to get up and leave because of the argument between their lead singers.
And Reggie knew all that. he knew they were tense and he knew he was annoying and of course he knew he should keep quiet when someone was fighting (his parents had made sure he knew that), but he didn't know what was going through his head, so after Luke stuttered on a word he couldn't stop a nervous laugh and an imitation from coming out of his mouth. Deep down, he felt a little sorry to admit that he hoped that would make them laugh and forget everything. It didn´t.
From one moment to the other, three pairs of eyes had landed on him and Julie was rolling hers with an annoyed snort, and Alex was sighing as hard as he could, and Luke was looking at him with a frown.
“Actually, Reginald. You should be so thankful that at least you play bass decently."
Okay, Luke used to say that comment regularly, but it was different. He used to say it with a smile and a mocking tone that made it clear that it was not true. And Reggie let it go, even though it always hurt just a little. This time it was different, with the hard look on Luke's face, his reaction so sudden, the tension and whatever Reggie was feeling in his chest made him close his mouth so hard that his teeth collided with each other and held with that pressure in them.
The rest of practice passed in a blur and with his hands running on automatic without much on his mind, he made it to the end.
At some point, practice ended and everyone went out to relax, Luke trailing behind Julie to hang out for a while, Alex wandered off to continue his search for Willie, and Reggie remembers saying, "I'll stay here for a while," and suddenly he was alone, again asking how he felt like he was drowning and he wondered how come no one had noticed before or now how he was feeling and his chest ached, as did his throat and the silence was too much.
He didn't like silence. It reminded him of all those afternoons when one of the others couldn't make it to rehearsal, he would sit at the dining room table, with burnt food that he had made himself because his mother was too tired after work, again and his only company were the cartoon characters playing on his television and the numbers from his math homework.
It felt much the same, only now Reggie couldn't eat, and there wasn't a TV in the garage to help him focus on anything other than the silence that was surrounding him like a mist, rising up and into his ears.
The lack of noise only made the pain in his lips more perceptible thanks to the pinches he gave with his hand on them, and the memories of all the times people had taken it upon himself to tell him how useless he was where shouting so much that his head began to ache.
When the sound was loud enough, he made himself appear in the attic of the old studio and began to move boxes full of things that had belonged to them in life. He checked each one of them for his Walkman, desperate to drown out the thoughts pounding the walls of his head when he remembered that Julie had borrowed it and it was surely in her room and he couldn't go in there because she would get so mad and she would give him that look again and Reggie knew he couldn't bear to see it again.
His throat was burning at that point and he knew he couldn't hold back the tears and suddenly he stopped fighting, because he was alone and sad and lonely and hurt.
And he knew. He knew everything. That he was annoying, that it would always end up alone because people couldn't stand him, that it all became a cycle where things were okay and then suddenly they weren't and of course he knew he was overreacting, and then it all will start again the next day and everything would be all right again and he knew and he knew and he knew.
He was a know-it-all and still, he didn't know how to fix himself.
His fists clenched and there were no jokes at the moment, just Reggie, with his only talents of playing bass decently and talking way too much.
A sound below where he made him tense and cover his mouth in order to silence his sobs. Because nobody could see him like that, because he was funny and he should always be happy. He was not "the sad one" or "the crybaby". But despite his effort, the little noises passed through his fingers.
"Hello?" It was Alex. And if Reggie could pick one person not to find him like this, it would be Alex. Because the drummer would worry and Reg didn't want him to worry, because no one should be bother because of him, and Alex already had his own things to worry about. He heard the sound of Alex poofing out and knew Alex was going to get him and he just cringed in place, pressing his hands to his face with that much more force. “Reg? Oh my god, are you okay?"
Reggie didn't answer. He wanted to talk and tell him that everything would be okay and to just give him a couple of minutes to get his shit together, but he knew he couldn't say a word with the sounds of his crying, plus the weight on his chest. It was just not possible. So, he just covered his ears because he couldn't hear the concern in Alex's voice, screaming something he didn´t wanted to hear.
He almost screamed when a pair of hands landed on his. They were soft and much smaller than Alex's. He allowed himself to open his eyes. In front of him, his three bandmates were looking directly at him and he clenched his fists tighter. He didn't want this, he had to be able to control his own emotions, he wasn't a little boy.
“Reg” Julie's voice was soft, just like an angel's “Reggie, can you please relax your hands, mi amor? You're hurting yourself.” And Reggie did, because she was Julie, and because she had saved them and he owed her so much and because she sounded like honey on pancakes and he loved pancakes.
Slow, he did as he was told and could see what she meant. Four red-circled crescents were well marked on each of his palms. He hadn't realized it, but now that he had seen them, pain filled his skin. He let out a piteous moan and Julie responded by running her thumbs over the marks, rubbing her skin against Reggie's and making little noises like one would do to calm down a child who fell and hurt their knees. If he was being honest, Reggie felt a bit like that. And like magic, the pain began to subside and Reggie wondered if she wasn't really a witch.
He laughed at his own thought, but it only managed to make a mess of snot and tears all over his face. Luke saw that and wrapped the bottom of his shirt around his hand, running it all over Reg's face, making sure to clean his cheeks well, Reggie noticed that he did it more times than necessary and even started doing it. without the shirt in between. He could feel Alex's hands go through his hair, untangling and stroking his head.
"Shh" said Luke "We got you, don't worry"
“Just let it out, Reg,” Alex said, still moving his hands. And then Reggie snapped.
Because at that moment, he was not alone. Because they were there, despite the fact that he was the most annoying person in the world, and they were there despite the fact that he was making a mess with his tears and that he had made them angry and the thousand things that he had wrong, but yet they were with him.
“I love you guys so much,” he said under his breath. Because he did, because he had never felt such a great love in his chest that was much better than what he felt when they laughed at one of his jokes.
“We love you too, Reg,” Julie said, holding his hands so gently it only hurt more.
“We love you” the boys whispered.
And Reggie cried, so much so that his whole face was swollen. Until, as they came, the tears were totally gone, leaving him so tired he could barely move.
"I'm sorry" Reggie whispered, after many minutes of silence "I'm really sorry, I don't know why I'm like this, I..."
"Reginald" Alex cut him off. The harsh tone of his voice made him obey immediately. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for."
And Reggie didn't believe it. Not entirely, at least. Because he was aware of all his flaws, but he allowed himself to listen to his friends for one more day. One more day in which he would believe that he is not bad, in which he would believe that he was not broken.
“How about we watch a movie and relax?” Julie asked, leaving a soft kiss on one of his hands. He nodded, trying to give her a smile, but it earned him a grimace and teary eyes.
"Star Wars?" Luke asked, giving him one of those smiles that made him so recognizable. He agreed and Julie ran downstairs to look for her computer. Halfway, she turned.
“Oh, and Reg. We're sorry we reacted like that. Really". The boys nodded and a shower of apologies began that filled the silence in his head.
He just snuggled closer into place, and let his friends calm him down until Julie came back with her laptop and a bunch of pillows and blankets
He didn't even finish watching the movie when he fell asleep, repeating to himself “Just one more day" Just one more day of believing, just one more day for fighting against himself.