Chapter Text
"So as you can see," Pein - Leader of The Akatsuki, world-renowned criminal mastermind extraordinaire and God of this world - says, tapping his stick against a chart before continuing, "Spending is up 20 percent, and the number of tailed beasts captured is down by 10-"
Pop!
Nine pairs of eyes settle on one man; Pein feels a forehead vein rise to the surface.
"-Hidan...are you chewing gum in my meeting room?"
"Mmphno!"
"Ohoho, you're in trouble now, yeah."
"Mmphshut up, nerd-"
"SPIT THE DAMN GUM OUT, HIDAN!"
With a wet splat, the wad of gum in question lands on the table, and Pein - who is too exalted, too God-like for this, surely - continues with his presentation. He will ignore this oversight because, after all, they are mere peons compared to him, they cannot possibly know any better. He is such a forgiving God, he thinks with a mental pat on his back.
"As you can see, our capital gains are way down and we need to really amp up our efforts if we are to-"
Crinkle.
"-If we are to continue to be successful in-"
Smack.
"HIDAN!"
"Whaaaat?" The whine is punctuated with a rather immature stomp on the floor; the blond to his left giggles into his cloak.
Pein inhales sharply, and reminds himself to breathe because Gods do not get angry, Gods do not worry themselves with the silly antics of idiots. Gods do not get even; they send their angels to do that for them.
"Konan, if you would..."
"Give me the gum, Hidan." Konan - like the angel that she surely is and with the patience of a saint - demands and holds her hand out. The white-haired child leans forward, slowly, and with the most shit-eating of grins, spits the new piece of confectionary into her hand. It's all wet and slimy and covered in Hidan juice. Gross.
"Thank you, Konan. Now, if there are no more ridiculous interruptions, we can continue with my statistics," Pein turns back to his chart, "So as I was saying, we are going to have to find more ways to bring revenue into this organization because-"
"Heh heh heh-" Scribble.
That forehead vein twitches again and Pein thinks he might be having an aneurysm.
"Because if we don't, there will be no possible way to capture the tailed beasts efficiently and without-"
"Hahaha-" Scratch.
"KISAME AND ITACHI!" Pein screams and Tobi pees a little.
Two heads - one blue, one black - look up quickly from the piece of paper they are scribbling on, eyes wide with stupid, fake innocence. Itachi unsuccessfully attempts to hide their work under the table.
Pein is now certain he's having that aneurysm.
"Would you care to share your work with the rest of the group?"
In unison, the two heads shake fervently. They most certainly do not want to share their work with the rest of the group, but Pein was having none of that. With the stoicness of a man who was not merely a man but a God - did I mention that earlier? - makes his way toward the two and snatches the paper from Itachi's hand.
Pein reads it. His lip twitches. He reads it again.
Kisame's mouth is twisted in a way that resembles some stupid cartoon cat, which is impressive because he's a shark and all that. Itachi's face just looks nonplussed and emo, which is not very impressive because he always looks like that.
Pein hands the paper to Kisame, one eye twitching.
"Read. It."
"Uhhh...Leader-sama I don't think-"
"I SAID READ IT, YOU BUFFOON!"
Kisame turns a shade of white and clears his throat. He's probably going to throw up after this.
"-Hey, Itachi. -Yeah? -You know what would be hilarious? -What's that, Kisame? -If, like, there was a pile of dog crap, and like, Leader slipped in it and fell, and then like he'd be covered in the dog crap. That'd be hilarious. -Omfg, lol XD -Or... if instead of like one dog crap, there were like, two dog craps, and he slipped in one and his face hit the other-"
"Alright, Kisame, that's enough! Thank you-"
"And then we drew a picture...of you...in the dog crap-" Kisame holds the paper up, his tone very serious and helpful, in case anyone was confused about the dog crap situation. Hidan and Deidara were heaving on the floor, clearly not confused about it, at all.
"YESTHANKYOUKISAME! We can all see that! You can sit down now!"
And Kisame did just that because he wasn't entirely sure that Pein wasn't going to kill him, but not before mentioning, "See? I did the shading myself-"
"KISAME!"
"Yes, Leader-sama!" The blue man sits immediately.
Pein inhales deeply, with pure sagelike restraint, because it's not worth it, he tells himself, to have to replace all of them because he's killed them. It's not worth it.
And besides, he has a much better plan in store for these idiots. He applauds himself for his genius.
"Since none of you want to take this seriously, I - being the unmitigated genius that I am and thus better than all of you in every way- have come up with the solution to all of our problems. Konan, if you would please, the slides..."
Konan - angel and saint-like patience and all of that - leaves the room and returns with a projector screen, plugs it in, and clicks to the first slide.
"Gentlemen!" Pein says with unbridled excitement, as every mouth at the table opens with some form of indignance, "I give you: The Akatsuki Mall!"
"Leader-sama-"
"This is ridiculous-"
"-no time for this, yeah-"
"But my fuckin' rituals!-"
"A mall would be a good way to make money-"
"I'm not working at another food court, not again-"
"Silence you impudent fools!" Pein shouts and the room grows silent again, "That's right, we are opening a mall! And you idiots will do whatever I tell you to do because it's time to start pulling your weight around here! You're all getting jobs and that's that!"
Deidara groans. Kisame sighs. Itachi sulks. Sasori clicks. Konan smiles. Tobi pees a little more. Hidan curses. Kakuzu crunches numbers. Zetsu photosynthesizes.
And Pein revels in his sheer genius because he is certain that there's absolutely no way that this can blow up in his face.