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“It’s beautiful Bea,” Ava said, completely in awe of the view in front of her.
They had driven up to a lookout that gave them a perfect view over the Alps. The two stood side by side looking out at the dimly lit houses. They were all sprinkled throughout the town. Each one alive with its very own story. Every little house held its own little family. Some were filled with the joyous laughter of kids, some were filled with couples in love, and some were filled with the solitude of only one person.
Beatrice found herself looking out over this little town she now called home. She looked over at Ava and smiled, “we’ve always wanted to come here.”
“And now here we are.”
Ava reached for her hand. The girl was always reaching out to her. Beatrice didn’t know if there was any intention behind it, but it always seemed to happen. Whenever the two were in close proximity, they gravitated towards each other like a pair of magnets. Beatrice knew exactly what it meant for her but could only guess at what it meant for Ava.
Beatrice had fallen for the halo-bearer almost immediately after she met her. There was something in Ava’s charm that intrigued her. Something in her smile that enticed her. There was just something about her that was different. Everywhere she went, Ava would glow, attracting smiles from strangers and lighting up rooms. It was hard not to bask in her light, so Beatrice hadn’t been surprised when her stomach started doing backflips every time the girl entered a room.
The rest had been slower. It had built up over long talks and longing looks. It had been earned, along with her trust. The roots of her feelings settled deep and bloomed in the blush on her cheeks. Beatrice fell in love with her slowly, the way you would drift off to sleep, but now her love had taken hold and there was no going back. Not that she would want to. Beatrice was quite content in her love for Ava.
Her heart rate quickened at the feeling of Ava’s hand wrapped in hers. All Beatrice wanted to do was tell her how she felt. She always knew there was a possibility that Ava felt the same towards her. Ava had never defined her sexuality and any time their conversation tipped in that direction, she always talked about the people she may date. She never once limited her attraction by gender.
It gave Beatrice hope, but then again, there was always the chance that she simply wouldn’t be interested in her.
Ava squeezed her hand to get her attention.
“Whatcha thinking about?” She questioned brightly.
You.
“Nothing really. Just looking at all the houses. Thinking about the people who live there.”
Ava nodded and gave her a moment to gather her thoughts.
“It’s funny when you think about it. How each individual person is living their very own life. There are so many people on this planet who we will never meet. Those people may be the most important thing in someone else's life, and we will never know who they are.”
“You could always introduce yourself.”
There it was. That charm that Ava had so naturally. The ability to make Beatrice smile with the simple tone of her voice. The way she could lighten a situation without ever making light of the topic itself.
Ava tilted her head to get a better look at Beatrice.
“You’re awfully philosophical tonight. Everything okay?”
Beatrice looked at her and felt a tug in her stomach. She almost wanted to cry, though she wasn’t entirely sure what about. That would happen a lot to her these days. Sometimes it was the tone of someone’s voice or a familiar part of town, but all the sudden Beatrice would feel tears pushing against her eyes and a lump forming in her throat.
Ava rubbed her thumb over the back of her hand. “Talk to me, Bea.”
“Sometimes this world makes me feel so small and insignificant. As if I don’t matter. And sometimes I get this awful feeling about being forgotten, like no one will be here to remember me when I’m gone.”
Ava looked at her thoughtfully.
“I will remember you. The people who love you will remember you. You matter to us. We love you.”
I love you too.
Though Beatrice wasn’t sure Ava meant it in the same way she did.
“Feeling alone is scary, Bea. But you’re not alone. I’m right here with you.” Ava reassured her.
This was one of the best parts of confiding in Ava. She never made Beatrice feel silly for her thoughts or her feelings. She took the time to validate her and make her feel safe.
“Thank you, Ava.”
The two turned back to the view. Beatrice’s thoughts seemed to have sparked ones in Ava.
“I think about them a lot,” Ava mused, “the people we’ve lost.”
“Really?”
“All the time. I always find myself getting stuck on their voices or the way they sounded when they laughed. I think about that a lot for Mary. I miss the sound of her laugh. I’m scared I'll forget it one day,” Ava paused, “the same way I forgot my mom’s.”
Beatrice felt her heart ache for the girl. She had suffered so much in her life. It really wasn’t fair.
“Loss is hard.”
“Forgetting is harder.” Ava remarked.
Beatrice hummed, more in thought than in response.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a downer. We came here for the view.” Beatrice frowned.
Ava simply shook her head.
“You’ve got nothing to apologize for. And I came here to be with you.”
That had been Beatrice’s reason as well, though she couldn’t admit it aloud. The two stood in silence, leaning into the rail. Ava shifted herself closer to Beatrice and rested her head against her shoulder. Beatrice was grateful for the comfort.
Ava paused for a moment, not quite settling fully against Beatrice.
“Does it bother you that I’m so touchy with you?” Ava’s question was quiet, and Beatrice could hear the unease in her voice.
Beatrice swallowed and chose her words carefully. She could feel the tightrope the two were dancing on, neither one entirely ready to make the leap. They always seemed to be one conversation away from turning comfort to chaos.
“Not at all. I find it quite comforting.”
I wish you would do it more often.
“Okay.”
Ava kept her head on Beatrice’s shoulder but didn’t say another word.
There was an unusual ache in the silence, the pain of a confession neither of them would speak. Beatrice found it agonizing. She knew she could end it with just five words.
I’m in love with you.
But every time those words died on her tongue. They couldn’t manage to find their way past her heart and out into the open. They remained concealed within her walls until she found herself pondering the idea of too late. Of the consequences of waiting. Thinking about the what if and what could be and if she waited too long what might-
“Beatrice?”
“Ava?”
She had been startled out of her thoughts. Probably a good thing considering she had been hurtling towards a cliff she didn’t want her thoughts to tumble over.
“This really is quite beautiful.”
Not as beautiful as you.
“It truly is.”
Ava looked back towards the houses.
“Do you ever picture what your future would look like? After this whole mess is over.” Ava looked up at her with such sincerity.
The air around them was becoming charged again. This was another topic that danced on the fine line of platonic and romantic. Beatrice tried her best to dance around it.
“Sometimes.” She admitted truthfully.
“What’s it like?”
Here we go. Beatrice could feel it edging closer to the ‘who’ of the conversation.
“Happy. I like to imagine it as happy and peaceful,” she stopped for a moment, “it also includes a cat. I’ve always wanted one.”
She tried to maneuver around the human presence of her future. Things were simply safer that way.
“Me too. Anyone else there with you? Beside the cat, I mean.”
You.
“I never get quite that far.” She lied.
“That’s okay. A cat is good.”
Beatrice could swear there was a hint of disappointment in her voice.
“Would you ever want a cat?” Beatrice questioned, regretfully pushing them towards exactly what she was trying to avoid.
“I would.”
There had been weight behind her question, more than she intended. It was the closest she could get to the real question that was clawing at her. In this imaginary future, the one with the cat, is there a version that exists where the three live together? Where the cat belongs to both of them, and Beatrice is Ava’s and Ava is hers. Is there a future for them together beyond their apartment now? The one they share as friends, as roommates.
No. Beatrice found herself thinking bitterly. There isn’t.
Until a raindrop landed on her nose, then another on her forehead, pulling her out of her head.
“It’s raining,” Beatrice remarked plainly.
“Yup. Just felt a drop.” Ava agreed.
“We should head back-” they said in unison.
“To the car.” Beatrice finished alone.
She wasn’t ready for this to be over. She had planned to be here for hours with Ava. She wasn’t ready to go home. Not yet.
Neither was Ava. She nodded, but she didn't move. She stared up at Beatrice with her lips slightly parted and her eyes asking a question that got rudely interrupted by the skies opening up into a total downpour.
They both started to laugh and sprinted back to the car hand in hand.
By the time they reached it, they were both soaked to the bone. Even their shoes had puddles starting to form inside of them. They let go of each other's hands as the car came into view. Beatrice fished for the keys in her pocket. Ava reached the car door before she could grab them.
“Bea, unlock the car!” Ava laughed, pulling at the handle repeatedly.
“I’m trying.” Beatrice was laughing too.
Finally her finger found the button and the car unlocked. Ava swung her door open and hopped in. Beatrice followed soon after. When her door shut there was a moment of silence before they turned towards each other and broke out in hysterical laughter.
“I think it’s raining.” Ava remarked.
“No shit Ava.”
“Beatrice, language!” She scolded.
They continued to laugh until it faded out and it was just the two of them and the rain pounding against the windshield.
Beatrice’s eyes found Ava’s the same way they always did and the energy in the car electrified. They sat, breathing heavy from the run. Or maybe it was the laughter. Or more likely the feelings building between them that neither one acknowledged.
“Ava-”
“Wait.”
Beatrice didn’t understand what she was waiting for until Ava leaned over to her side of the car and pressed her palm against her cheek. There was a shutter of breath. Beatrice’s eyes flicked between Ava’s eyes and her lips.
They were both standing on the edge waiting to jump.
Ava was shaking. Beatrice could feel the tremble in her hand against her cheek. She brought her own hand up to cover hers. It was her silent way of telling Ava it was okay, she’s got her.
That seemed to break Ava from her hesitation. She pulled Beatrice forward and kissed her. Beatrice felt the sparks shoot throughout her entire body. She kissed her back eagerly, and with such certainty. They pulled back, still connected by hands on cheeks.
“I’ve been thinking about kissing you all night.” Ava confessed.
I’ve been thinking about it for much longer.
“I’ve been thinking about you kissing me all night.”
Ava released a breath in a small huff, not quite a laugh, but almost.
“Thank god.”
Her hand had steadied.
Beatrice wanted to tell her everything. She wanted to tell her how she was in love with her. How she had only dreamed of this moment. How for so long Ava has been this bright light illuminating her entire world. But she said nothing. She couldn’t bear the thought of ruining the moment.
“Beatrice?”
“Yes?”
Ava didn’t speak immediately. She was searching for something in Beatrice’s face. Some sort of reassurance. Beatrice answered it by pulling her in for another kiss. This one lasted longer and Beatrice was ecstatic. Every inch of her body was buzzing. They pulled apart, breathless.
“You have feelings for me too?” Ava asked and the shock in her voice was endearing.
“Of course I do. You really didn’t know?”
Ava shook her head lightly. “I mean, there were times when I thought, but I always talked myself out of it.”
“I did the same.”
They hadn’t stopped staring at each other the whole time, lips still parted, breath still heavy. They were both in complete disbelief. This didn’t feel real, but there was a relief to it too. A weight that had been lifted. They had taken the leap, and everything was okay. They were still Ava and Beatrice, the same as they always had been.
“How long have you felt this way?” Ava asked softly.
“It feels like it's been happening since the moment I met you. Little by little every day it just got more and more intense.”
“It hit me like a brick.”
Beatrice laughed.
“I’m serious. I’m sure it was happening before that too, but I didn’t realize until that day we were dancing in the bar. It just kind of hit me all at once. And from there on out I was a goner. Completely lovestr-” Ava stopped herself.
“Love?”
“I mean-”
Beatrice could see the panic building in her eyes.
“Ava,” she reached forward to grab her hand, “I love you too.”
Ava let out a huge sigh.
“Right.”
Her eyes were still wide as if she hadn’t actually heard her. Beatrice squeezed her hand.
“I love you, Ava.”
She visibly relaxed.
“I love you too, Bea.”
And there it was. Finally out in the open. They had finally confessed their feelings. Beatrice felt nothing but warmth in her entire body and she found she didn’t care much that she was soaking wet. She’d gladly stay here with Ava. She would spend the rest of her life in this moment if she could. This part was guaranteed. It was happy and full of love and hope. It was everything Beatrice wanted in her future.
She found herself wishing for a pause button. Some way she could freeze time. Freeze then two of them, here, in this car sharing their first kiss, confessing their love. She wasn’t ready for the rest of it yet. She wasn’t ready for this to be over.
Stop the world. Freeze this moment.
It was a wish. The type you’d make on a shooting star.
As if the universe was listening, and somehow despite the clouds higher in the sky, a shooting star crossed the clear sky along the horizon.
Beatrice closed her eyes and made the same wish again.
Stop the world. Freeze this moment.
Ava smiled at her.
“You’re a wish on shooting stars kind of person?” She remarked fondly.
“Isn’t everyone?” Beatrice questioned.
“I don’t know. I think it takes a lot of hope to wish on a shooting star, to put your wishes out into the universe. It’s pretty brave when you think about it.”
“I’ve not thought about it like that.”
“I’m a wish on shooting stars kind of person too.” Ava added, eyes glued to the sky, “Well, if I’m being honest, I’m also a meant to be and happily ever after kind of person.”
“A hopeless romantic?”
“Emphasis on the hopeless part.”
“I find that hard to believe.” Beatrice was looking right at her; Ava was still talking to the stars.
“That’s because you love me.”
“I feel like a lot of people do. It’s hard not to love you, Ava.” Beatrice replied honestly.
Ava finally turned to meet her gaze and smiled at her, but it reached far beyond just her mouth. It reached out through her eyes and every bit of her body. Pure adoration right at the surface, ready to be given freely.
“When do we leave?” Ava asked.
“When this rain lets up.”
“Good. I’m not ready for this to be over.” She replied earnestly.
“Me neither.”
The two continued to look out over the horizon in hopes that maybe, just maybe, another star would shoot across the sky and grant them another wish.
“Do you dream?”
“Huh?”
“Do you dream?”
“Like when I’m asleep?”
“What other kind is there?”
Beatrice thought about it. She wasn’t one to dream when she slept. She did most of her dreaming when she was awake. Imagining places she could go, things she could do.
“I'm more of a daydreamer. I guess I get it out of my system then.”
“I’m for sure a nightdreamer.”
Beatrice wasn’t entirely sure that was a word, but she didn’t care to correct her.
“Do you dream a lot?”
“Yeah. I do. They often involve you,” Ava paused contemplating her next move, “and bedsheets. Also significantly less clothing.”
Beatrice laughed, caught off guard by Ava’s honesty, but that didn’t stop the blush from creeping its way up her neck. There was something thrilling about talking like this with Ava. There was something reassuring in knowing that Ava wanted Beatrice the same way she wanted her.
“That can be arranged.” Beatrice let herself flirt back.
There was no mistaking the flame that ignited in Ava’s eyes.
“Stupid rain.”
“Believe me, as soon as it is safe, I am driving us home.”
Home.
Sure once the rain stopped, they would drive back to the apartment, but Beatrice was already home. The only defining characteristic of home was that Ava was there.
“You asked me earlier if I would live with a cat.” Ava started, abruptly shifting from their earlier topic.
“I did.”
She continued, “I like cats. But I also like you. So my only condition is the cat has to live with both of us.”
“You’re asking me to move in with you?”
“Beatrice, we already live together. I’m asking for a future with you. Or at least a right now. Who knows how long it will be until the OCS calls us back? We could have so much time together, Bea.”
We could have had more time if I had just told you how I felt sooner.
“I’m in.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You, me, the cat, the future. Our future. I’m in. I want all of it.”
The rain started to slow. It was almost as if it knew a storm had passed. A barrier had been broken.
“Ready to go home?” Ava asked.
“Ready.”
Beatrice put the car into drive and pressed on the gas. She had one clear destination. A clear goal. She was going home.
Ava fiddled with the radio until she found a song she liked. She placed her hand on top of Beatrice’s which rested on her thigh. They drove the whole way home listening to the music and admiring the lights.
And it felt like a beginning. Like a scene in a romance movie she had watched one hundred times over. Beatrice had the girl she loved. She was here with Ava, and she loved her back. They had a future with a house and a cat and endless tomorrows.
Beatrice found herself thinking of all the points in their relationship where this could have happened. It was something she did frequently; considering the different outcomes had they mentioned their feelings at different times.
She turned the radio up and continued to drive.
She continued to think about it. About her and Ava and possibility and what if and could have been and suddenly everything felt more like an ending.
They were so hard to tell apart, beginnings and endings. They bleed too much into each other to really have a clear difference.
Beatrice pulled up to the apartment.
It always felt so real.
But it wasn’t.
It wasn’t real.
It hadn’t been real for one year and seventy-three days. It hadn’t been real since Beatrice lifted Ava into the portal, sending her off to heal.
Beatrice walked up the stairs to her apartment and unlocked the door. She tossed the keys on the table and flicked on the light. She was greeted by a small meow and the rub of a furry head against her leg. She sat down on the edge of the bed and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror.
“She doesn’t exist. Not here.” She spoke to her own reflection.
She tried to think about the way it had actually happened, and Beatrice found she couldn't remember her last kiss. That last kiss with Ava. She knew it had happened, but the specifics had blurred. The same way the sound of Ava’s voice was starting to blur. Or the way that Beatrice found, when she thought too hard about it, the sound of Ava’s laugh had blurred.
This town was filled with little houses. Every little house held its own little family. Some were filled with the joyous laughter of kids, some were filled with couples in love, and some were filled with the solitude of only one person.